Children's Letters to God? Check.

November 18, 2008 11:03 AM

Children's Letters to God? Check.

Came across this and if they're real, they're very funny. Even if they're faked, they're very funny... That is all.

posted by Lacking Subtlety (55 comments total)

Dear God,
posted by JBennett at 11:05 AM on November 18, 2008

But I have the obvious questions

1. Where does one send such a thing?
2. How much postage is required?
3. They say you don't have to worry if you talk to god, you only have to worry if he talks to you. Does this apply to letters as well?
4. Does god actually write back? Or does he have a secretary handle all correspondence?
posted by cjorgensen at 11:10 AM on November 18, 2008

Pretty sure they are faked, but yeah, funny.
posted by DU at 11:11 AM on November 18, 2008

They look fake to me.
posted by pracowity at 11:12 AM on November 18, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Dear Robert,

What a coincidence!
I am an American, too.

God.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 11:14 AM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

i like Ginny's - we could definitely use another holiday =)
posted by john c. at 11:14 AM on November 18, 2008

Fake. Obviously.
posted by orthogonality at 11:19 AM on November 18, 2008

I'd like to see God's responses.
posted by rocket88 at 11:21 AM on November 18, 2008

If you leave them near the hearth with the milk and cookies, Santa will deliver them to God.
posted by StickyCarpet at 11:24 AM on November 18, 2008

I think they're all scanned from this book.
posted by Staggering Jack at 11:25 AM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Dear Zeus I mean Odin I mean God,

ROFL.

-Kid
posted by plexi at 11:28 AM on November 18, 2008

I think they're all scanned from this book.

Yeah, I clicked "surprise me" and I the first thing I got was the one from Charles, aka "I'm not just saying that because you're God."
posted by lampoil at 11:30 AM on November 18, 2008

Dear God.

Leave me alone about the embezzling thing and I won't bring up the Holocaust.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:32 AM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Dear God,

Why is cannibalism bad when I eat your son every Sunday in church?

Thanks,

A Catholic Kid.
posted by ob at 11:38 AM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Since the letters are just scanned from a book (and uncredited at that) I am crying foul on the post. Copyright matters.
posted by cjorgensen at 11:40 AM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Since the letters are just scanned from a book (and uncredited at that) I am crying foul on the post. Copyright matters.
posted by cjorgensen at 11:40 AM on November 18 [+] [!]

Probably fair to cry foul. Like I said, i just came across it and had my doubts about origin, but found it funny. Didn't really investigate.
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 11:42 AM on November 18, 2008

Fake. Most kids of that kind of age (judging by the handwriting) would spell at least one in every three words wrong - a lot more foenetikal spelling.

Hell, your typical adult can't spell as well as in those letters.
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:43 AM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Dear God,

I have faith that these are real.
posted by swift at 11:47 AM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Dear Catholic kid,

My Son and I are one and the same.

So eat me.

yours,

God

P.S. reread this letter when you get to high school.
posted by Smedleyman at 11:48 AM on November 18, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Dear God,

I’ve taken what you’ve said (through your prophet(s)) about charity to heart. Enclosed is a certified blank check made out to you. Feel free to show up at my bank draw out as much as you like whenever you wish.
(etc)
posted by Smedleyman at 11:48 AM on November 18, 2008

Dear God,

I'm still waiting. Did you forget? I thought we had a deal.

Call me.
posted by rusty at 11:51 AM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Dear God,

I can understand why Metafilter devotees can't help but stink up the joint with snarking when Thomas Kincaide (who invented the Painting of Your Light) is brought up, but why they can't let these letters to You alone is beyond me. And as you know, I am pretty fucking cynical, God.

Kozad
posted by kozad at 11:53 AM on November 18, 2008

Coming soon, kids letters to Santa Claus. Rear or fake? You decide.
posted by fixedgear at 11:55 AM on November 18, 2008

Dear God,

How do you feel about books being copied over and over until you just can't tell if they're real anymore? Also - how long do you think it will take for this thread to be closed?

Yours,
IRFH
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:01 PM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Dear God

I love what you've done with Norway, fantastic stuff, really. Also, New Zealand.

But the rest of it's kind of Meh, would like New Earth with possible Beer Volcanoes.

Sincerly, Hellojed esq
posted by hellojed at 12:03 PM on November 18, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Dear God,

No, really, take care of the guy from XTC first. I don't mind waiting.

Thanks,
Tod Lokken
posted by GuyZero at 12:05 PM on November 18, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Dear Kozad,

Sorry, Bub. I'm with Metafilter on this one.

God
posted by katillathehun at 12:07 PM on November 18, 2008

Are you there God? Its me, ND¢.

Good job on boobs and video games.
posted by ND¢ at 12:09 PM on November 18, 2008

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."
posted by Bitter soylent at 12:12 PM on November 18, 2008 [9 favorites has favorites]

What a coincidence, I was just YouTubing about god being (potentially) an American last night. [tags: selflink, narcisicism]
posted by jessamyn at 12:16 PM on November 18, 2008

As I child I would have been more inclined to send out insulting letters to specific people of more certain existence, with God as the return address.
posted by Wolfdog at 12:29 PM on November 18, 2008

From the comments in the link:

I don't feel it's that bad for people to believe in something. Maybe more of us could learn a lesson there.

I agree. Believe in me. Send money to my newly created church at www.believeinmentalwimp.com. That is all.
posted by Mental Wimp at 12:30 PM on November 18, 2008

Dear Kozad,

Kids are cute, and they say amusing things. They didn't make that book, they just wrote those things (or something like that, which was mimicked by adults). Thomas Kinkade is a hack who abuses people's need for comfort by charging way too much for reproductions. I mean, seriously? This is your new work? And Nascar? Stop charging so much for "inspirational" items.

Sincerely,
filthy light thief
posted by filthy light thief at 12:34 PM on November 18, 2008

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and the kissed right in church.
Is that ok?
-Neil

Dear Neil,
It depends on the shape of their genitals. Kindly check that and write back soon.
-God
posted by Salvor Hardin at 12:35 PM on November 18, 2008 [5 favorites has favorites]

Dear Batman,

Superman is picking on me again. You seem to be the only one he's afraid of. Will you talk to him?

-- A Kid
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:36 PM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I am usually pretty cynical, but I think these are real letters. Look at the names of the kids, those are straight out of the 50's and 60's, if not earlier. They had better penmanship in those times, people spelled words correctly too--it had a higher value.
posted by chocolatetiara at 12:42 PM on November 18, 2008

A quick google of the author's name returned this article, which states the the origin of the letters:

It all started in 1961 when Hample was an author talking to students at St. Augustine's School in Larchmont, N.Y., about his The Silly Book, which had just been published. As he was leaving, he impulsively asked one of the nuns his life-changing question: "What do you think would happen if I asked them to write to God?" She said she didn't know but would think about it. A couple weeks later she sent him his first set of letters and he sensed he was on to something. He went to the town's synagogue to solicit more, then reached out to other schools, houses of worship and "grandchildren and children of friends."

posted by Staggering Jack at 12:54 PM on November 18, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Dear God:

What is David Tibet on about?

Sincerely,

Everichon

PS. and/or what is David Tibet on?
posted by everichon at 12:57 PM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Copyright matters.

Yes, won't someone think of the poor bestselling author who built his career on republishing the work of uncompensated children?
posted by designbot at 1:02 PM on November 18, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

Dudes, this StumbleUpon to Metafilter dumping has to stop.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:10 PM on November 18, 2008

Dear jessamyn,

Does that mean Bowie cribbed from Ferlinghetti?

Does this mean there is no God?

Yr pal,
posted by kittyprecious at 1:15 PM on November 18, 2008

Dear Satan,

Did you make a deal with David Blaine? It's not the magic tricks; it's the weird stares.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 1:33 PM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Copyright matters.
Not only this, but it also seems to be content ripped from the previous ripper. Oh ad affiliate programs, is there anything you can't corrupt?
posted by kaytwo at 1:43 PM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Interviewing God.

(Last updated Jan. 6, 2007.)
posted by NemesisVex at 2:03 PM on November 18, 2008

Danged spamblogs. Bah.
posted by batmonkey at 2:04 PM on November 18, 2008

Children's Letters to God? Check.
To Jettison
posted by Servo5678 at 2:08 PM on November 18, 2008

Copyright matters.

To god?
posted by srboisvert at 2:46 PM on November 18, 2008

Coming soon, kids letters to Santa Claus. Rear or fake? You decide.
posted by fixedgear at 11:55 AM on November 18 [+] [!]

Dear Fixedgear,

I'm going with Rear, that Santa Claus always was a creepy bastard.

Sorry about that,
--God
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:53 PM on November 18, 2008

Fake or real, these prompted a really powerful blast of childhood memories about the vicar whose rubbish answers to my questions about God converted me from a rather suspicious six year old into a tiny militant atheist. I didn't even know his name and face were in my memory until just now, even though I sometimes tell the 'when I stopped believing in God' story, but both just came to me in a flash.

Google informs me that he's dead now, and that someone I was at primary school with rang the bells at his memorial service, and that he was chaplain to the football club I support, which means we must've been unknowingly watching the match together a lot of times.

It's probably a bit weird to be fondly mourning the priest who accidentally converted me to atheism in a LOLXTIANKIDZ thread on MetaFilter, eh? Do carry on.
posted by jack_mo at 2:54 PM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

It's probably a bit weird to be fondly mourning the priest who accidentally converted me to atheism in a LOLXTIANKIDZ thread on MetaFilter, eh? Do carry on.

Nothingness works in mysterious ways.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:59 PM on November 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Yeah, the one about "I can't manage to love the four people in my family" bit is what sets of FAKE sirens in my head. Little kids will scream "I HATE YOU" until they're blue in the face, but they would never even think of not actually *loving* their family members and would sooner write to G-d about ponies than "I can't love my family."
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:06 PM on November 18, 2008

Children's Letters To Christopher Walken? Check.
posted by greenland at 5:31 PM on November 18, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

...would sooner write to G-d about ponies than "I can't love my family."

I don't know about that. At 9 or so, I tried to give my family the "It's not you; it's me" speech.
posted by troybob at 6:51 PM on November 18, 2008

Well, filthy light thief, and others, if you're talking about money, I'm aboard with you.

I personally found the letters charming and full of the ambiguity about God's supposed omnipotence as applied to the kids' little tiny lives, whose concerns are so huge, which then make one wonder about how one could possibly believe in a personal God who intervenes in each person's life...and if these letters are made up, they have, I am sure been written and or prayed before. That's the whole point of the propagandized Personal God.
posted by kozad at 8:12 PM on November 18, 2008

2. How much postage is required?

Depends. From here, it's a local mail. From your address, it's international long-distance.
posted by DreamerFi at 5:21 AM on November 19, 2008