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November 20, 2008 2:42 AM   Subscribe

100 Movie Spoilers in 5 Minutes. (Single Link College Humor Post). "It was all a dream but check this movie out anyways because it's got a chick with three boobs in it."
posted by crossoverman (46 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
The cool thing is: I haven't watched a few of those movies, but it's all so quick that I don't have time to really store the spoilers into my long term memory, and by now I only remember one of them.
posted by qvantamon at 2:49 AM on November 20, 2008


I love how the nerds of the world have made the 'chick with three boobs' a key plot device of Total Recall.
posted by i_cola at 2:58 AM on November 20, 2008 [2 favorites]


tl/dw
posted by From Bklyn at 3:03 AM on November 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


Either
a) I really didn't get some of these movies;
b) these guys didn't get some of these movies; or
c) this is some clever jape that I don't get.

On a different subject, Total Recall was a dream? Really? Reading Wiki, is that really based on one flash of light at the end of the movie? Dear lord...
posted by twine42 at 3:26 AM on November 20, 2008


I was just gonna sit down and finally watch The Crying Game, but I guess I got time to click this link.
posted by chillmost at 3:30 AM on November 20, 2008 [5 favorites]


Gordon kills his family and coworkers; Simon lives in the weak and the wounded... doc. If you watch the deleted scenes, the movie isn't so comically bad.
posted by giraffe at 3:38 AM on November 20, 2008


On a different subject, Total Recall was a dream?

In the original short story by P.K.Dick, the whole point is the ambiguity in distinguishing between real and implanted memories. In fact, if I recall correctly the action never leaves the doctor's office --- most of the movie plot is padding inserted to make an action movie out of the implanted memory premise, spectacularly failing to capture the spirit of PKD's story, which is rather humorous.
posted by ghost of a past number at 3:40 AM on November 20, 2008


Um, the Bad News bears didn't win. FAIL.
posted by grubi at 5:18 AM on November 20, 2008


I didn't even click on the link but your title already ruined all of the Rocky movies for me.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:46 AM on November 20, 2008


I feel like I just watching 100 movies in less than 5 minutes. Thanks Metafilter!
posted by Mastercheddaar at 5:59 AM on November 20, 2008


I believe the moral of this story is: Meg Ryan's a skank.
posted by phunniemee at 6:07 AM on November 20, 2008 [2 favorites]


I didn't even click on the link but your title already ruined all of the Rocky movies for me.

FAIL. There are six Rocky movies, not only three. Plus, the 4th one is the best one anyway, it's the one where Rocky [SPOILAR] single-handedly ends the cold war.
posted by piratebowling at 6:11 AM on November 20, 2008


There are six Rocky movies, not only three

Only three plots though.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:21 AM on November 20, 2008 [6 favorites]


I believe the moral of this story is: Meg Ryan's a skank.

I guess you didn't take English 201. That's the moral of every story.
posted by milarepa at 6:24 AM on November 20, 2008


[SPOILAR]

That's that one turbo-browed cat from "Heroes," right?
posted by grubi at 6:39 AM on November 20, 2008


spectacularly failing to capture the spirit of PKD's story, which is rather humorous.

It fully captures the spiritof Arnie and Verhoven though, which is awesome.

The scene with the doctor trying to tell him it's a dream was quite nicely done as well.
posted by Artw at 6:43 AM on November 20, 2008


They should have waited to release that clip until after the next Harry Potter movie comes out. You know, the one where SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE.
posted by emelenjr at 7:04 AM on November 20, 2008


I may be misremembering this, but I believe that when Piers Anthony wrote the novelization of the Total Recall film (oh geez) he upped the ante and gave that particular hooker four breasts.

Again, I may be remembering this wrong, but it so totally seems like something Anthony would've gladly done.
posted by Spatch at 7:08 AM on November 20, 2008


Nooooooo!
posted by chillmost at 7:12 AM on November 20, 2008


but it is a plot device, three boobs is!
posted by adamficekblog at 7:13 AM on November 20, 2008


SPOILER ALERT: At the end of this film, the two brothers rip each other's clothes off and go at it, Blair Witch style.
posted by allen.spaulding at 8:00 AM on November 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


Total Recall is the perfect Arnold movie.

What's more interesting is that in that list, I think there was probably only one or two movies I hadn't already seen at some point. It's like a list of the top 100 popular movies, or something.
posted by graventy at 8:01 AM on November 20, 2008


On a different subject, Total Recall was a dream?

In the original short story by P.K.Dick, the whole point is the ambiguity in distinguishing between real and implanted memories. In fact, if I recall correctly the action never leaves the doctor's office --- most of the movie plot is padding inserted to make an action movie out of the implanted memory premise, spectacularly failing to capture the spirit of PKD's story, which is rather humorous.


They try to maintain the question, though. Arnold is in the chair waiting to get his implant, and the tech looks at the software and says "Huh. Blue Sky On Mars -- that's a new one." Also, when he's freaking out, boss man says it's clearly a reaction to the program and the tech says that's impossible -- he hasn't implanted it yet. Then there's the stuff that the Recall guy says before Arnold shoots him -- describing Melina's characteristics for the Ego Trip, the unlikeliness of the spy life vs. confused construction worker, etc. -- all supposedly negated by the drop of sweat supposedly indicating that the guy is fearful and thus there in the flesh.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 8:38 AM on November 20, 2008


supposedly
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 8:39 AM on November 20, 2008


I found the characters quite one-dimensional, and the premise thin.

SPOILER: The video is only 4 minutes-and-change long, so technically, they could have gone through 125 movies rather than stopping at 100 (Citizen Kane).
posted by not_on_display at 8:41 AM on November 20, 2008


I may be misremembering this, but I believe that when Piers Anthony wrote the novelization of the Total Recall film (oh geez) he upped the ante and gave that particular hooker four breasts.

I do not believe that you are misremembering. Yes, I'll admit to having read that particular novelization.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:43 AM on November 20, 2008


ZEN VHY ARE YOU SVEATING?
posted by Artw at 8:49 AM on November 20, 2008


adamficekblog: "but it is a plot device, three boobs is!"

I distinctly remember the cat-girl dancer in Star Trek V: Shatner Ruins the Franchise as having three boobs, too. Which is about the only thing that those two movies have in common, apart from being vaguely SciFi-ish. Oh, and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy mentions "a three-breasted whore from Eroticon VI".

Now if I only could get my mind to remember the really relevant stuff in life instead of factoids like those...
posted by PontifexPrimus at 8:55 AM on November 20, 2008


The little person in Total Recall (same scene as the multi-boobed chick in the bar) lived about 3 minutes from my house in California in a little known community of all little people. It was common to hear of high school bullies finding the community and driving through it yelling things... Oh high school.
posted by namewithhe1d at 9:09 AM on November 20, 2008


Then there's the stuff that the Recall guy says before Arnold shoots him -- describing Melina's characteristics for the Ego Trip, the unlikeliness of the spy life vs. confused construction worker, etc. -- all supposedly negated by the drop of sweat supposedly indicating that the guy is fearful and thus there in the flesh.

I have this theory that Verhoeven is one of the best filmmakers of the 1980's and early 90's, specifically because he makes action movies that really mock the cliches and fundamental premises of action movies. The scene with the doctor in Total Recall is fantastic because of what it does to the viewer. When you watch that sequence, you're doing the exact same thing Quaid is doing- looking for an excuse for the violent action fantasy to continue, even though the doctor actively points out the film's plot-holes. When you see that bead of sweat, you sort of relax- because it means that the movie isn't over yet, even though you realize that, if the Doctor is correct, the best ending for Doug would be to take the pill and wake up. The entire remainder of the film is a paean to believing in interesting fantasy over boring reality.

NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT ROBOCOP.
posted by 235w103 at 9:29 AM on November 20, 2008 [6 favorites]


Black Book is awesome, BTW.
posted by Artw at 9:33 AM on November 20, 2008


even though the doctor actively points out the film's plot-holes.

I wouldn't call them plot-holes anymore than the kid who sees monsters whose parents point out that there's no such thing aren't pointing out a plot hole. It's a hard-to-believe set of circumstances that in most cases would be the result of some kind of error or delusion. But in those movies, the viewer gets to see the monsters and knows the kid is right. T.R. uses the unreliable narrator so you can't trust what you're seeing.

NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT 3-SECOND UNICORN DREAM SEQUENCES.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 9:52 AM on November 20, 2008


Real film dorks would have dissed 12 Monkeys as a remake.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:25 AM on November 20, 2008


Does it really count as a spoiler for totally, totally predictable movies? I mean, I don't have to actually watch all of any Meg Ryan movie to know that she and the dude end up together.

Also, SHE is killed in City of Angels, not HIM.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 11:32 AM on November 20, 2008


He was sent back in time to kill Sarah Connor but then she killed him in a machine press but then he said he'd be back but then he killed himself in molten steel but then he did come back but then he killed himself again and then he became governor.

How'd I do?
posted by googly at 12:16 PM on November 20, 2008


I think the only one of these films I haven't seen is "Hancock" and given the spoiler here, I'm wondering if I want to now...
posted by crossoverman at 12:23 PM on November 20, 2008


Don't.
posted by Artw at 12:27 PM on November 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


I'd like to suggest that some of the films 'spoiled' herein are included for padding. Really: The Two Towers? Is this a movie the ending to which matters?
posted by shakespeherian at 12:44 PM on November 20, 2008


Wow, All Romantic Comedies end with the couple getting together and all Sports Movies end with the team winning! (well except where they don't)

I'm wondering if I want to now...
Hancock is about the worse film I've seen this year... (well it's actually probably about 7 different movies fighting for space)
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:59 PM on November 20, 2008


Wait a second, Mr. Pink got away at the end? I thought we heard gunshots?
posted by cazoo at 2:25 PM on November 20, 2008


What happened to Mr Pink?

Oh and did they miss out the twistiest twist of all time? So twisty it's not actually in the original film... or is it?
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:01 PM on November 20, 2008


I swore I read somewhere that Steve Buscemi insists that Mr. Pink did in fact get away. Not sure what QT said.
posted by Ber at 3:01 PM on November 20, 2008


It's ambiguous. Which is better than Deckard being a replicant, because that's a bit shit.
posted by Artw at 3:08 PM on November 20, 2008


Marky Mark was NOT on earth all along in the Planet Of The Apes remake.
posted by goshling at 3:40 PM on November 20, 2008


And Lincoln was a monkey, in some unclear way.
posted by Artw at 3:45 PM on November 20, 2008


The twist in The Sixth Sense was included in a set of lecture notes for one of my first-year degree classes. Sadly, with this being winter 2000, the film wasn't yet out on video. Oh well.
posted by mippy at 10:12 AM on November 21, 2008


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