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The 7 Greatest Stories in the History of Esquire Magazine
November 21, 2008 12:41 PM   Subscribe

The 7 Greatest Stories in the History of Esquire Magazine via

posted by Knappster (28 comments total) 17 users marked this as a favorite

 
Esquire pulls this stunt every two years or so, and it never stops smacking of journalistic onanism. It's still slipping into the Rolling Stone rut of surprisingly still-decent magazines that that no one bothers to read.
posted by zoomorphic at 12:51 PM on November 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


Agreed. Compliments should come from other people.
posted by rhymer at 1:05 PM on November 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


Wait, so we're against onanism now?

I really need to read through my memail.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:15 PM on November 21, 2008


Big goofs here in the sidebar. There's a thumbnail of The Falling Man above the following stores: The Über-Geek: 16 Futuristic Gifts to Impress the Poindexters and The Jet-Setting Retiree: 17 Vacation Gifts for People with Nothing but Free Time
posted by porn in the woods at 1:15 PM on November 21, 2008


Sometimes I wish someone would pay Tom Junod to simply stop writing. His prose is insufferably bad, like being trapped in a dutch oven of chili farts and cat shit.
posted by docpops at 1:16 PM on November 21, 2008


That list was basically "Hey, look at all the famous people who have written for us!"
posted by mudpuppie at 1:38 PM on November 21, 2008


I subscribed recently but let it lapse after one year. Chuck Klosterman's clueless babbling, months of hints about the next SEXIEST WOMAN ALIVE!, and italian shoes you just have to have. I was expecting more.
posted by longsleeves at 1:53 PM on November 21, 2008


Big goofs here in the sidebar.

Oops. They'd better fix that before someone posts a screencap.
posted by squalor at 1:56 PM on November 21, 2008 [3 favorites]


Yeah, but "Frank Sinatra Has a Cold" is so, so good.
posted by soundofsuburbia at 2:40 PM on November 21, 2008 [3 favorites]


No "Secrets Of The Little Blue Box"? I guess it has limited appeal outside of computer geeks and the hack/phreak underground in particular, but its importance to the history of electronic nerdery is enormous. Steve Wozniak, upon reading that article, figured out how to build blue boxes of his own, and the proceeds from selling them (with the help of Steve Jobs), often to shady mafia types, helped finance Apple in the early days.
posted by DecemberBoy at 2:53 PM on November 21, 2008


If all the male mags were in study hall at high school, it'd go as follows: GQ, the pampered mimbo, is bragging about how he's perfected the gin & tonic in secret hopes that his dad, Vanity Fair, will be impressed by his son's Faux-Dapper Masculinity. Meanwhile, FHM just made out with a cheerleader in the janitor's closet and is now telling Maxim to smell his fingers. Details is retying his ascot, hoping no one realizes he secretly lusts after Blender. Esquire is sucking up to the teacher because he knows he's getting a C in social studies and wants extra credit, so he unctuously points out all the times he aced tests in the past. He's one of those kids who used to get good grades but recently buckled under the increased competition of high school. No one really buys his shtick anymore, and he's unsure if he should throw in the towel and align himself compete with glossy, empty-headed GQ or numbly accept that he's dwindling into a print version of AskMen.com. So, did Esquire mention that he was once responsible for "Frank Sinatra Has a Cold?"

"Sure," says the teacher, "But you also wrote "The Favorite Bands of John Mayer."
posted by zoomorphic at 3:07 PM on November 21, 2008 [7 favorites]


I just *love* ranked lists.
posted by MarshallPoe at 3:12 PM on November 21, 2008


The greatest story in the history of Esquire was the one where they made George Clooney watch "two girls, one cup."

Yes, this really happened.

In fact, I re-read it today at the salon.

p.s. said article also features George Clooney discussing a video in which a monkey shoves his finger into his own butt, smells it, then falls over. Esquire, you're SO CLASSY.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 3:54 PM on November 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


The Ted Williams article was good. Thanks.
posted by RussHy at 4:32 PM on November 21, 2008


If all the male mags were in study hall at high school...

I didn't realize all these were different magazines. Huh.
posted by DU at 4:58 PM on November 21, 2008


I loved that article, bitter-girl.com.

However, it introduced me to "two girls, one cup", which I subsequently watched. So mixed blessing reading that article, at best.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 5:12 PM on November 21, 2008


Previously: Falling Man (also with inappropriate ad juxtaposition).
posted by kirkaracha at 5:16 PM on November 21, 2008


Durn Bronzefist, the best part was Clooney's publicist attempting to break Clooney's time in enduring watching that video...like, competitive 2 girls-1 cup watching, which will probably become an event in the 3025 Space Olympics.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 5:24 PM on November 21, 2008


I don't know about how self congratulating this list is...

But I do know that the article about the chechan rebels taking that school, was, flat out, fucking amazing.
posted by tylerfulltilt at 5:34 PM on November 21, 2008


The greatest story in the history of Esquire Family Guy was the one where they made George Clooney Stewie watch "two girls, one cup."
posted by Sys Rq at 5:59 PM on November 21, 2008


I can't believe the crowd here in the blue would think much of Esquire, but it did have its moments 30 or 40 years ago. If nothing else, with George Lois and his innovative cover design. (Not a lot of magazines end up in the Museum of Modern Art.)

[Every Esquire cover, courtesy of a ColdChef post.]

I subscribed recently but let it lapse after one year.... italian shoes you just have to have. I was expecting more.

I finally gave up on the magazine too, last year (even at $1/issue). I couldn't stand all those $25,000 watches, even more than the shoes. Actually the thing that started its downfall for me was the Britney Spears cover five years back, a rehash of the magazine's famous Angie Dickinson cover of years earlier. (Which apparently they've just recreated yet again, using four women instead of one.) I realized that Britney was barely 21, whereas Angie had been in her mid-30s at the time, and the whole thing started to feel like child pornography to me.
posted by LeLiLo at 9:54 PM on November 21, 2008


Wasn't "Rollerball" first published in Esquire?
posted by Trochanter at 6:04 AM on November 22, 2008


I realized that Britney was barely 21, whereas Angie had been in her mid-30s at the time, and the whole thing started to feel like child pornography to me.

It's interesting that your idea of child pornography consists of neither children nor pornography.

However, yes, that Britney cover was indeed a low point, if only because it's symptomatic of the same "Hey, remember when this magazine wasn't terrible?" shtick as the listy retreads in this post.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:09 AM on November 22, 2008


Yes, read Secrets of the Little Blue Box. Amazing, influential, and a good read; it should be on the list.
posted by blahblahblah at 10:49 AM on November 22, 2008


It's interesting that your idea of child pornography consists of neither children nor pornography.

I actually said that to me it had started to "feel like," not that it really was child pornography — partially because I'm so old now that many people in their 20s (or even 30s), acting in what I'd consider nonadult ways, seem like children to me. It was an awkward way of saying that these days I don't really care about 95% or so of what Esquire thinks is relevant.
posted by LeLiLo at 2:48 PM on November 22, 2008


Eh, I like Esquire.
posted by billypilgrim at 4:35 PM on November 22, 2008


What's with all the Esquire hate? Where else am I to go for the latest breaking news in $80 pairs of socks?
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:46 PM on November 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


I still have the issue with this article:
http://www.thedqtimes.com/pages/castpages/other/fredrogerscanyousayheropg1.htm

Every, every time I read it I cry.
posted by 100watts at 10:36 AM on December 11, 2008


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