He made her forget she was a Communist.

November 25, 2008 10:57 AM

He's a madman, she thought as he made love to her again. Oh my God, after twenty years of being the most rational Bolshevik woman in Moscow, this goblin has driven me crazy! Oh joy! It's time for the annual Bad Sex Award. Shortlist is up at The Guardian.
posted by jokeefe (69 comments total)

Hey, where's the NSF tag! Bad writing should be read at home.

I only recognized Russell Banks on that list.
posted by cjorgensen at 11:03 AM on November 25, 2008

You can tell a quality sex scene because it always starts "Dear Penthouse Letters, I never thought I'd be..."
posted by 445supermag at 11:08 AM on November 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

"She said:

'Perhaps you'd like to take off your shorts.'

'Do I have to?'

'I think you do.'"

Even the characters in the story know a lame sex scene when they read one...
posted by Mastercheddaar at 11:15 AM on November 25, 2008 [7 favorites]

You know, the trouble comes from them trying to make it exciting. It's exciting for what it is, I think; it doesn't need to be dressed up. Hell, it doesn't need to be described. Imagine what most of it would be like:

“We awkwardly undressed each other, giggling, giddy on lust and booze...”
posted by sonic meat machine at 11:18 AM on November 25, 2008 [2 favorites]

it doesn't need to be dressed up.

Although that's fun too.
posted by DU at 11:22 AM on November 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'd like to read a sex scene more like this:

"For years Stephanie had been yearning for a real man to take her. To make her realize the awesome potential of her femininity. And now she was standing here naked with him, Prince Ivan Koslowski, heir apparent to the throne of Mikitia. The one. She shuddered when he touched her. She felt an electric bolt run from her thighs, up her spine to silken pearly-white neck. She felt his hot, masculine touch and his urgent, quivering breath on every inch of her body. And the he stuck his weewee into her hooha."
posted by ob at 11:25 AM on November 25, 2008 [70 favorites]

Two things struck me. This I found a little weird:

'The blue veins are divine,' he whispered.

Who says that?

And this just made me roar with laughter:

'Don't stop,' she clamoured; she was nearly there, it was in the bag.

Back of the net!
posted by ob at 11:29 AM on November 25, 2008 [13 favorites]

this is me losing my real virginity at the hands of this infernal, lovable, Jewish clown
Krusty is that you?
posted by pianomover at 11:32 AM on November 25, 2008 [5 favorites]

Miranda wasn't like any of the other women Marcus had been with. For one, she wasn't inflatable. Furthermore, she was fully posable. And, of course, she looked like an anime character.

"If I could meet the man who sculpted you, Miranda, I'd kiss him."

A burst of jealousy shot through his brain.

"Then I'd knife him for touching you."

He entered.
posted by Joey Michaels at 11:34 AM on November 25, 2008 [11 favorites]

'The blue veins are divine,' he whispered.

Who says that?

Someone who really likes cheese.
posted by PenDevil at 11:36 AM on November 25, 2008 [7 favorites]

Sometimes we talk in Bad Sex Language in bed -- the kind of overblown schmaltz like in these excerpts. If you find laughter incompatible with getting it on, don't do this. But it is a lot of fun to see who can keep it going the longest while keeping a straight face.
posted by Forktine at 11:39 AM on November 25, 2008 [8 favorites]

Someone who really likes cheese.

Yeah, thanks. Now I have a really horrific image in my mind of German (let's face it, it has to be the Germans) Roquefort Fetishists getting it on. Before you say something, yes, I know there's something wrong with me.
posted by ob at 11:44 AM on November 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

If you find laughter incompatible with getting it on, don't do this.

I have to resist jokes during sex. It ruins my mood.

Stupid brain can't stay in one gear.
posted by rokusan at 11:45 AM on November 25, 2008

He was fingering his penis, but before he could plunge it deep inside her, she had knelt before him and taken the membrane into her mouth.

what.
posted by jimmythefish at 11:47 AM on November 25, 2008 [12 favorites]

He tore open her chemise and threw her back onto the bed.

"Oh, you brute," she sighed.

The rogue smirked at her. "Mind your tongue, you Barnard whore."

She laughed. If only you knew what we Barnard girls got up to during the Regatta, she thought. His wasn't the first moustache to mix its wax with that of her ears. She watched him unzip his fly and drop his twill trousers to the floor. She hissed in anticipation.

A man in full stood before her, the buckle of his sock garters sparkling in the moonlight. "Prepare to feel the sting of Cupid's Arrow." He leapt onto the bed, and the Twenties roared.
posted by Pastabagel at 11:50 AM on November 25, 2008 [40 favorites]

Oh, and the last one isn't that bad is it?
posted by jimmythefish at 11:52 AM on November 25, 2008

Triptych of a Young Wolf dashed my hopes.
posted by Wolfdog at 11:54 AM on November 25, 2008

Could that be true? Yes, he insisted and he swiped her with his tongue.

"PLEASE ENTER YOUR PIN" she commanded.

Oh, he entered his PIN all right.

"WITHDRAWAL OR DEPOSIT?" she asked.

And he thought about that. He thought about it long and hard.
posted by katillathehun at 11:55 AM on November 25, 2008 [53 favorites]

The blue veins are divine,' he whispered.

Who says that?

Nursing home inmates.
posted by Bitter soylent at 11:56 AM on November 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

Nursing home inmates.

I'm speechless.
posted by ob at 12:10 PM on November 25, 2008

These made me forget I'm a Communist.
posted by QIbHom at 12:13 PM on November 25, 2008 [3 favorites]

I fumbled with my pants. Then I had sex. Aftwards, my pants and I shared a cigarette. Later, I washed my pants, because, of course, I had to.

We never spoke of that moment again. Not because we didn't want to, but because I have had bad reactions when I have spoken to my pants. Others just don't understand.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:20 PM on November 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

Ruth looked out the window of the nursing home, and sighed... for his member was like a Christmas tree... dead from the root up with balls for decoration only.
posted by netbros at 12:26 PM on November 25, 2008 [17 favorites]

His chest was the size of a South American country.... Sebastian's erect member was so big I mistook it for some sort of monument in the centre of a town.

Sebastian has locker room issues.
posted by terranova at 12:40 PM on November 25, 2008 [2 favorites]

I think there should be a separate award for excellent depictions of bad sex.
posted by Football Bat at 12:41 PM on November 25, 2008 [2 favorites]

Gatson came into her womanhood, the orgasm receding before them. It had eluded him before, but that's no matter -- tomorrow they'll sex faster, stretch farther. And so they cuddled and spooned on, warm vessels against the night current, their backs shivering and their thoughts borne ceaselessly, naughtily into the past.
posted by shadytrees at 12:46 PM on November 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

"She said:

'Perhaps you'd like to take off your shorts.'

'Do I have to?'

'I think you do.'"

Maybe he wants to do it through the penis hole in his shorts.
posted by Eekacat at 12:46 PM on November 25, 2008

Maybe he wants to do it through the penis hole in his shorts.

Everyone keeps saying "use protection," and what better than a well-worn pair of Y-fronts? Can't blame a guy for being careful with his membrane.
posted by Forktine at 12:48 PM on November 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

You have to be careful, yeah, or things can go crazy down there. And the last thing you want to be is insane in the membrane.
posted by cortex at 12:50 PM on November 25, 2008 [7 favorites]

I haven't laughed like this in ages. Thank you metafilter.
posted by christhelongtimelurker at 12:51 PM on November 25, 2008

Metafilter: The Blue threads are divine.
posted by Kabanos at 12:52 PM on November 25, 2008 [3 favorites]

Don't you mean a fly, or is this a specially-designed pair of shorts with a "penis hole" meant for long-term use?
posted by dunkadunc at 12:52 PM on November 25, 2008

First he came on the Communists,
and she didn’t speak up,
because she had forgotten she was a Communist.
posted by The Bellman at 12:57 PM on November 25, 2008 [6 favorites]

Her: "I'm high class. My rate is $2000 an hour."
Narrator: "Great, here's $17 for 30 seconds of your time."
And, sadly, by Narrator I mean "me."

445supermag, I wrote Penthouse Letters once, but the mail came back. I sent it to the address I got off their SEC filings. There's got to be a dysfunction joke in there somewhere as well. I've been too lazy to repost it, and too broke to buy a copy.

memail me if you have a copy of their mag laying about with an address that works.
posted by cjorgensen at 12:59 PM on November 25, 2008

Don't all men who buy a new pair of shorts cut a penis hole in them the first chance they get?

... Don't look at me like that!
posted by splice at 1:04 PM on November 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

This is fantastic.
posted by flippant at 1:19 PM on November 25, 2008

In actual fact (and whilst I'm avoiding doing the work that I should be doing) there are any number of variants to this. Such as:

"The darkness of the forest only served to heighten her anticipation. When would he arrive? Suddenly through the clearing and lit up by the moon's liquid glow he arrived, Count Giovanni del Corno, heir apparent to the throne of Transalpinia and pioneer aviator. He dismounted his muscular steed and strode towards to her. She shivered at the frisson on the encounter. Was she right to do this? To cuckold her husband, the cold, distant D'Arcy De Winthrop, Duke of Manchestershire? He who had never loved her? She knew in her mind that it was wrong but in her heart and deep in her body, close to that place she knew it was right. Without uttering a single word, he embraced her and she felt his manhood throb cruel and masculine at her torso. They kissed and he tore at her delicate blouse revealing her ample heaving breast. As she sighed the sigh of one who knew that this was the only man in the world that could satisfy her he whipped out the gas mask, the ball-gag, the lederhosen, the shaved squirrel and the crisco. It was then that she knew that he was playing for keeps."
posted by ob at 1:22 PM on November 25, 2008 [2 favorites]

Penis hole is more descriptive than fly. Just like crap shooting is more precise than investing.
posted by Bitter soylent at 1:22 PM on November 25, 2008

I haven't laughed like this in ages. Thank you metafilter.

oh, wait, this wasn't another attempt at a sex scene. I got confused as I hear this so often from women when trying to be sexy. Well, not so much the metafilter part.
posted by Pollomacho at 1:27 PM on November 25, 2008 [2 favorites]

The first one isn't badly written. It's awkward - but it's clear from the context that it's meant to be. That "Do I have to" line is from a virgin teenager, who is not really sure what is going on. I thought it captured the strange mix of lust and confusion and ridiculousness that is teenagers and sex. (The overblown lines at the end are also, clearly, part of the unironic ways that teenagers have.)

I actually felt similarly about the second - the one set in the USSR. It was strange, but again, I think it was meant to be, and works to capture the moment.

The third (town monuments one) had me guffawing, and thinking that clearly it was a winner for bad sex. But it was so very bad I started suspecting it was a concious parody of bad romance novel sex; if that is true, it shouldn't qualify.

But the last two were just plain bad - I could barely read the wolf one.
posted by jb at 1:45 PM on November 25, 2008

Whiffs of onion soup strayed over them as he engulfed her. may be the unsexiestthing I have ever read.
posted by pointystick at 1:47 PM on November 25, 2008 [4 favorites]

unsexiestthing
and has me laughing so hard I forgot to use the space bar.
posted by pointystick at 1:48 PM on November 25, 2008

From the accompanying article:

[Winner Rachel Johnson] received a plaster foot – intended to be an abstract representation of sex - presented by The Wire actor Dominic West ...

A lifetime achievement award was also given to John Updike after the American author realised the "unique achievement" of four consecutive nominations for the award.

Although it really could have been reported more succinctly, like so:

JOHNSON, UPDIKE = BAD SEX
John refused to come. The prize that had awaited him now sat alone, naked, in front of the staring crowd at the In and Out Club. It was left to Dominic to take charge and thrust a full foot of hard white plaster into Rachel's nervous but grateful hands.
"Any attention is welcome," she said, "even if it's slightly dubious attention of this sort."
posted by Kabanos at 1:51 PM on November 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

this post is so good i am typing this comment with one hand
posted by dirty lies at 1:59 PM on November 25, 2008

I LOVE YOU METAFILTER!

(fap fap fap fap)

No, seriously, I love you.

XD
posted by liza at 2:06 PM on November 25, 2008

His chest was the size of a South American country.

You know, I assume she was going for Brazil, but I prefer to imagine Ecuador to make a better contrast between his chest and that monument in the center of town.
posted by aliceinreality at 2:10 PM on November 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

Note to self: If you put your novel online instead of having it published conventionally, one advantage is that you are not considered for this contest.

Just sayin'.
posted by localroger at 2:14 PM on November 25, 2008

Their affair was one to remember. As General Winecooler burst into the room handsomly, he gained the attention of every XX chromosome pair in the room. Sally Goodlington, with her coy smirk and ladly swing of the hips, approached him for a light. Their eves locked in a lustful staring contest. "You know," she burred in between drags of her menthols, "I have a suite that is going to waste right now."

Soon after, the sexening had begun. And oh yes, it was hot. With much thrusting and convulsions of both pelvic region, building in intensity with a series of satisfied moans, climaxing into a final grunt and an explosion of sticky manliness with a distinct afterscent of feminine disappointment.
posted by piratebowling at 2:16 PM on November 25, 2008 [6 favorites]

The world screamed as he faded into her, his ego dissolving in the grip of the ancient mammalian rite. The rhythm of it became the rhythm of him, her gasps became his breaths, his breaths became her: they were flattering indeed. They rose together and peaked together, her legs convulsing madly as he paused intent against and parted, sated.

This thread is fun.
posted by sonic meat machine at 2:23 PM on November 25, 2008

Looking at Amazon, the one with the monument reference was intentional.
posted by Pronoiac at 2:26 PM on November 25, 2008

Forktine: But it is a lot of fun to see who can keep it going the longest while keeping a straight face.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID
posted by Pronoiac at 2:27 PM on November 25, 2008

He, a Cistercian. The other, a Capuchin. They spent that single passionate evening using one another's genitals to make funny little hats, and to see which of their engorged members could hold up a wet bath towel for the longest. At Matins, Schlitz slipped back into his robes, and slipped quietly from Brother Bernard's life...forever.
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:30 PM on November 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

For those craving more...
Winners from previous years.
posted by Kabanos at 2:33 PM on November 25, 2008

The Green slowly unbuttoned her stricy schoolmarm dress. "Did you bring the condoms?", she asked in The Blue's direction. "STDs are no joke, and besides I'm not ready to have a baby yet, not until I've fulfilled my life long quest to eat the best falafel in Greensboro, North Carolina."
The Blue sighed through gritted teeth. "I have condoms."
"Man, is she ever strict", he then thought. "Still, look att all that Green! I bet she knows all the positions in the extended version of the Kama Sutra. And I be she's the only one who can make me feel like a man again."
A harsh voice broke through his pondering. "Well, put one on then! Do you want me to help you with that?"
"Jeesus", The Blue shot back. "I've been doing this longer than you have. I'm fine."
"But I'll help anyway", The Green said and bent forward, her lips protruding.
Then, at that exact moment, The Grey crawled out from under the bed...
posted by soundofsuburbia at 2:44 PM on November 25, 2008 [4 favorites]

Stricy?
posted by soundofsuburbia at 2:45 PM on November 25, 2008

From this year's winner:

Almost screaming after five agonizingly pleasurable minutes, I make a grab, to put him, now angrily slapping against both our bellies, inside

Both our bellies? I'm having a hard time picturing this.
posted by verstegan at 2:49 PM on November 25, 2008

But it was so very bad I started suspecting it was a concious parody of bad romance novel sex; if that is true, it shouldn't qualify.

Kathy Lette is a writer of comedy, so I dare say it's intended as a parody, although it does seem a bit... mixed.

I once earned fifty bucks for sending a sex-gone-hilariously-wrong letter into a women's sex magazine. Good to see my sex-letter-writing was of professional quality.
posted by andraste at 3:07 PM on November 25, 2008

His ballot engorged by over 2% as the election results slid in harder and faster, promising bipartisan reach arounds across the aisle on a scale not even felt by interns.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:10 PM on November 25, 2008 [2 favorites]

John refused to come.

Refused to, or was unable to after reading his own sex scenes?
posted by tommasz at 3:23 PM on November 25, 2008

... now angrily slapping against both our bellies, inside...

Look, if you treat a penis like a small trapped, frightened animal or a loose deflating balloon, don't be surprised if it starts acting like one.
posted by Pronoiac at 3:28 PM on November 25, 2008 [3 favorites]

What? Why are you looking at me like that?
posted by Pronoiac at 4:35 PM on November 25, 2008

hands lazily laced behind his head as he watched the cricket on a small flickering television screen in the corner. His chest was the size of a South American country. A slanting tongue of lamplight lit up his lap and I could see the outline of his large appendage.

And then the umpire gave him out, LBW
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:55 PM on November 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

Oh, man. The first one from this link is just awesome. It's fully erect with awesomeness, even.

And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.

Zorro!
posted by bluishorange at 5:57 PM on November 25, 2008 [5 favorites]

I write professional wrestling based erotic fan fiction. My fan fiction is not professional but it is based on wrestling that is.

An excerpt from my opus “Brock Lesner’s Jock Girlfriend”:

He wormed his fingers through the feather soft red hair of his fictive wife, Debra, and they strolled along her curly avenues taking in the texture of those conditioned, scaly, tangled locks. She was in a skin tight magenta top tucked into black exercise suspenders sized for a Debra ten years ago. The top sparkled like the broken texture of a sunset Great Lake large enough to feel the pull of the pregnant white moon as the Lyra giggled in the lava light. Her voice sounded like drowned wind chimes, it tickled her words like strangled mice.

Brock bellowed: “Jesus Christ! I just had the most awesome work out!” and then “I’d like to give you a work out!” He slowly dragged his arms over her, the massive pink hillscapes wrapped around her head like a vice; his back glistened the sweat forming a star chart. His back had a tattoo that was fucking scary.

He sprung like a bear trap hoisting her legs up around the mountains he wore as shoulders. Her cardinal hair cascaded down the brute and he laughed at the feeling of it against his big sweat encrusted thighs. He said “Your hair feels silly against my thighs.” then he says “I’ll brutalize you if you don’t do as I say!” then he says “You know what I want” and it was true she could feel it pressing into her face. It reminded her of the knuckle of her arthritic aunt only much bigger.

So they danced. They coupled carnally, courting coitus coquettishly, flesh familiar. Force feeding fellatio. Frantically finger fucking. They were born and reborn in spandex and arms veined like with tactile transit maps. They were lovers. They were jocks.
posted by I Foody at 6:48 PM on November 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

I venture to mention that Simon Montefiore is, remarkably enough, a well-respected Russian historian, an acclaimed biographer of that *real* Georgia goblin, Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili. After reading the unintentionally hilarious excerpt from his Sashenka, I recommend that Simon stick to history. . . .
posted by rdone at 7:28 PM on November 25, 2008

Metafilter: Thick stripes on your chest. Like Zorro.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:08 PM on November 25, 2008

These made me remember I'm a Communist.
posted by contraption at 11:17 PM on November 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

Zorro!

I'm torn between:
1. *sigh* I miss fucking like rabid woodland creatures.
2. In this allegory, his dick is a metaphor for their housecat, which they are giving a bath: dick = pussy, obviously. It does not like water. The come signifies the pet shampoo, misaimed in the ensuing chaos.
posted by Pronoiac at 11:40 PM on November 25, 2008

... and I unsheathed my mighty member, tumescently throbbing, and knocked over the lamp on the night table.
"I'm sorry," I said gruffly, not meaning it.
"Shut up and stick it in me," she said, meaning it very much.
So I did.
posted by klangklangston at 10:07 AM on November 26, 2008 [1 favorite]