Stupid Drivers

December 2, 2008 2:32 PM

There's always a few things they don't teach you at Driver's Ed that everyone should know. Like making sure the car is in park and not reverse when you finally surrender to the police. If someone honks at you, don't threaten them with a python. Try not to sneeze when driving near rivers. Don't try to eat cereal while driving. The trunk isn't a good way to get into your car. A six day roadtrip is too much for a "test drive."
posted by Deflagro (36 comments total)

First post, I notice.
An effort not gone unseen.
Remember, this isn't that other site, I think you
Know which one I mean.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:36 PM on December 2, 2008 [9 favorites has favorites]

get outta my FPP and get into my car
posted by porn in the woods at 2:45 PM on December 2, 2008

I hate it when I have to sneeze whilst driving.
posted by mr. strange at 2:50 PM on December 2, 2008

Alright, the python story was pretty funny.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:51 PM on December 2, 2008

Text messaging while motorbiking, however, is entirely appropriate.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:53 PM on December 2, 2008

Yeah, on second reading, I don't know what my problem is. Chalk it up to a profound lack of caffeine in my day. Sorry about the snideness.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:53 PM on December 2, 2008

I'm prone to violent sneeze attacks, and as such, I've always dreaded what might happen if I were to be hit by one while driving in a precarious situation, like, say atop one of those lofty, narrow highway interchanges. And now I know that my dread was well-founded.

Thanks?
posted by Atom Eyes at 2:55 PM on December 2, 2008

Who takes a snake for a drive?

Who threatens people with a non-venomous snake?

"I'll threaten to hug them... to death! The hug of doooom? Yeah, that sounds good."
posted by Pronoiac at 2:57 PM on December 2, 2008

Who threatens people with a non-venomous snake?

Those things will wrap around you with lightning quickness and squeeze until your ribs break and your lungs collapse. I'd take venom over that any day. I think a python makes an excellent car defense device.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:59 PM on December 2, 2008

Last line from the cereal-eating accident: Police say the woman was not hurt, but she was embarrassed. Somehow, this really amuses me. Physical harm vs. public humiliation, or something of the sort.

And it seems those hands-free devices aren't the answer to making safe phones in cars. From the article: drivers using a handsfree device drifted out of their lanes and missed exits more frequently than drivers talking to a passenger.
posted by filthy light thief at 3:10 PM on December 2, 2008

Aw, car snakes are mostly just for status. Somebody's compensating for something, if you know what I'm saying.
posted by Astro Zombie at 3:11 PM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Hands Free - It's the Law!
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 3:13 PM on December 2, 2008

I work with a woman who eats cereal and milk while driving to work every morning. She says she does it to save time. She's always late anyway.
posted by longsleeves at 3:15 PM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

That texting-while-motorbiking clip Burhanistan linked to is unbelievable!
Unfortunately I made the mistake of reading some of the comments on that page. They're quite unbelievable too. So much hate, so sad. And the posters seem to be really obsessed with poop.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:16 PM on December 2, 2008

Something else about that car snake article:

Magistrate Laurie Verra fined O'Keefe $400 for threatening the woman and her children, and a further $800 for having the snake in his vehicle.

Just to recap: in Australia, threatening a woman and her children with what you tell them is a "death adder", telling them "you're going to die" = $400. But driving around with your snake in the car = $800. Lest you car-snake enthusiasts get any ideas that you're somehow better than someone who threatens to kill a woman in front of her own children.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:18 PM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

So I guess I can’t market my car snake 5 python restraint system. I mean - there’s no way you’d go through the window.
But yeah, the crushed ribs and spine thing, yeah.
posted by Smedleyman at 3:21 PM on December 2, 2008

Every year I look forward to the newspaper stories about the reckless drivers the cops nab during the Canadian long weekends. Some of the best ones I can remember off the top of my head:

- driver watching a movie on a laptop perched on his dashboard
- driver literally tossing a salad in a bowl on her lap
- driver stinking drunk in a car with no plates...driving himself to jail for a different conviction
- driver claiming she had to drive 145 km/hr to make the heater work
- driver claiming he was late for church
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:25 PM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I want a device in my car that stores the pythons/adders/cobras/coral snakes in a safe, comfortable, unseen location. Let's say the trunk. You open the snake box in the trunk and it looks like the motherfucking well of souls from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

"Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?"

When the alarm system is activated and the car sensors detect that a person is sitting in the seat, the snakes will be sucked from the well of souls in the trunk, through a series of tubes, and will exit forcibly (and enraged) through ports hidden behind the air vents.

This would also work if my back windshield were smashed again for no apparent reason. It would be like that blue dye used in banks, you know, the canister of dye that explodes? So it would be like "La la la, I'm going to smash this windshield.....SMASH....SPROIIIINNNNG HOLYFUCKSNAKES! AAAAAHHHH! I TOTALLY REGRET MY ACTIONS AND REALIZE I'M A BAD PERSON! OH MAN, I SHOULD NOT HAVE FUCKED WITH THIS GUY'S CAR! MY LIFE'S A WASTE! AAAAH!"

Snakes.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 3:28 PM on December 2, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

When I read "python" I was sure it was in reference to this, because I just can't get my head around threatening someone with a constrictor as a weapon.

I suppose that there are many people who don't see the type of snake, they just see the reptile and freak, but for those of us who can tell the difference, well, it would be like threatening me with a turkey claiming it was some vicious raptor like an eagle.

I think I'd be more prone to just laugh at the stupidity of the person trying to start the confrontation. (Then I'd get the entrenching tool out of the trunk of my car and start beating them, after explaining that it was nothing more than a soft feather pillow and they had nothing to worry about.)
posted by quin at 3:41 PM on December 2, 2008

I went to high school with a guy who kept a large snake in his car, because his mom wouldn't let him keep it in the house. I don't remember if it was a python or a boa though.
posted by nomisxid at 3:56 PM on December 2, 2008

- driver watching a movie on a laptop perched on his dashboard
- driver literally tossing a salad in a bowl on her lap
- driver stinking drunk in a car with no plates...driving himself to jail for a different conviction
- driver claiming she had to drive 145 km/hr to make the heater work
- driver claiming he was late for church

Is this like a one-of-these-things-does-not-belong game? That last one is probably the excuse I would try to use.
posted by mannequito at 4:11 PM on December 2, 2008

Snakes on a car.
posted by desjardins at 4:16 PM on December 2, 2008

Asked why he had the snake in his vehicle, he said he often took it for a drive. That admission brought about the second charge, because the law states that the only two reasons snakes can be transported in public is to visit the vets, or when moving house.

what i wonder is: why is there a law on the books about transporting snakes... there has to be a story there and I bet it's even funnier.
posted by geos at 4:18 PM on December 2, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

A van creamed my friend's car it as it was parked on the side of the road. Pushed this (heavy, 80s BMW) across the street and wrapped it around a telephone pole. This bad picture is what was left. The driver's excuse for plowing into a parked car? He sneezed.
posted by Skorgu at 4:32 PM on December 2, 2008

Wow, nomisxid. Did I go to high school with you? It was a scarlet king snake, though.

She was awesome. Everyone thought she was a coral snake. I could park my unlocked car anywhere and no one would fuck with it. And she looked great against the black interior.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 4:32 PM on December 2, 2008

Ah, the never ending glory of evolution in action.
posted by maxwelton at 5:04 PM on December 2, 2008

spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints wrote: Snakes.

...on a plane.
posted by wierdo at 5:06 PM on December 2, 2008

~~~~~~~~~~~: ~~~~~: ~~~~~~~~~:
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 5:42 PM on December 2, 2008

Snake on a lamer?
posted by Pronoiac at 5:45 PM on December 2, 2008

I'd have to say that if some crazed motherfucker tried to threaten me with a three foot snake I'd be less afraid and more... amused? I'd laugh my ass off, actually, further enraging the perpetrator. In his het up state he would probably hurl the snake at me, and w00t! FREE SNAKE!
posted by louche mustachio at 7:39 PM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

A few weeks ago I pull up to a red light and the old lady driving the car to my right is knitting a sweater. The light turns green and I figure she'll put the sweater down and drive normally. Nope. She continues knitting and steers with her knees as she pulls away from the light.

So I phone her in. Cop eventually catches up to her and lights her up. She continues driving. Either her mirrors aren't properly adjusted or she's too busy with her knitting. So the cop pulls alongside and motions for her to pull over. She thinks he's waving, and waves back. So the cop rolls down his window and motions for her to do the same. I am still close enough to hear him yell at the top of his lungs, "Pull OVER!"

The old lady shakes her head, and yells back, "NO. CARDIGAN!"
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:43 PM on December 2, 2008 [9 favorites has favorites]

I never did this "driver's ed" thing. Did they cover fuelling up?
posted by pompomtom at 8:50 PM on December 2, 2008

Or fueling up whilst smoking?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:04 PM on December 2, 2008

The sneezing link didn't work for me (404) so here's a link to what I imagine is the same story, different source.
posted by Goofyy at 2:08 AM on December 3, 2008

As someone with experience eating cereal while driving, I know that that woman did three things wrong. One, if driving conditions are unsafe normally, you probably want to go more with a sandwich or fruit or something. Two, you don't eat cereal while on the highway. You need to be on a street with lights so you can take bites at the red lights. Three, you don't use a bowl, you use a large, cylindrical tupperware, something that you can hold with the hand that's on the steering wheel (maybe a tall, plastic cup). I normally drive with one hand, anyway, even if I'm not doing anything else besides driving, so it was easy for me to just use the hand that's not steering as the spoon hand. Also, I think it really helped that I mostly drank the cereal, rather than eating it with a spoon.
Also, I'm terrified when my allergies are acting up. I'm always afraid that I'll sneeze a few times in a row and end up dead.
posted by zorrine at 9:25 AM on December 3, 2008

The python-packing driver has inspired me. I am going to begin carrying a tabby kitten with me wherever I go, and when other drivers piss me off, I will show them my kitten and tell them it is a tiger and will eat them and their children. They will tremble and be very, very afraid.
posted by notashroom at 9:45 AM on December 3, 2008