Could you please explain why it is
December 19, 2008 8:59 AM   Subscribe

The bottom of Slate's Explainer mailbag.

Part of their Holiday Tradition. Perhaps, as in previous years, the Hive Mind would like to take a crack at some of them?
posted by Potomac Avenue (75 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
Does indoor tanning hurt your t--- if you have had a breast silicone implant put in for over 30 years?
posted by dawson at 9:03 AM on December 19, 2008


My toaster identifies which of the two slots should be used for making a single slice of toast. Why does it make a difference which slot I use?

Cecil Adams answered this one:

The "ONE SLICE" slot is where the toaster's thermostat is. Use the other opening and you could wind up with under- or overcooked toast. If your toaster has an energy-saver feature, in which only the heating coils in the center and on one side warm up when you make one slice, things might come out half-baked.
posted by ALongDecember at 9:04 AM on December 19, 2008 [6 favorites]


I live in Chicago, where taxi drivers are constantly talking on their phones. To whom are they talking?

Each other, duh.
posted by jquinby at 9:07 AM on December 19, 2008 [4 favorites]


I live in Washington, D.C., and we have very long escalators coming out of the Metro. If I grabbed the handrail when I first step onto the escalator and did not let go until I was at the top, my body would be almost prostrate across the steps. As I go higher on the escalator, I have to readjust the hand that is grabbing the rubber handrail. Why can't the companies that make escalators sync the steps and the handrails so that they go the same speed?
Obviousnessly a newcomer who doesn't realize that it takes heroic effort to keep the POS escalators running at all.
posted by exogenous at 9:08 AM on December 19, 2008 [5 favorites]


Can men eat the Activia yogurt that is advertised exclusively to the modern woman in khakis? Will it have the same internal regulatory effects on the male system that are promised for the female bowels? If not, why not?

Dudes just need to wear khaki when eating Activia. The active ingredients get all happy in the company of khaki-clad legs, and do a little happy dance through your bowels. Neither men nor women should wear leather or pleather pants while eating Activia. It's just a bad scene.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:10 AM on December 19, 2008 [4 favorites]


When and why did the Communist Chinese change the name of their capital "PEKING" to Bazging?

Answer: Never

BAZGING!
posted by DU at 9:14 AM on December 19, 2008 [6 favorites]


I'll just c&p part of my post on the same article from Monkeyfilter then:

Why are pandas names doubled? Ling Ling, Tuan Tuan, Yuan Yuan.
this follows a common pattern of re-doubling to create familiar dimunitives; parents will do it for a toddler and girly-girls will choose names like this for themselves because it's cute.
You could even have a go at the national anthems one with reference to the particular theatre of nation-state in the era of high imperialism and the copying of that by nations seeking to appear "modern."
posted by Abiezer at 9:15 AM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


The question posed by the 11 year old was sweet, in a hysterical kind of way.
posted by oddman at 9:16 AM on December 19, 2008


Burma's dictator has a chestful of b------- medals. What's up with that, Explainer

Haha.
posted by delmoi at 9:17 AM on December 19, 2008


If you were on a boat, what signs do sharks give if they are hungry and will attack versus if they just want to swim around the boat?

The ones with cameras are just there for the memories.

How did early man deal with growing toe and fingernails?

I've had this same question, only about hair. (I assume they just bit their nails.) Hack it with a rock? What about before they mastered rock sharpening? Do any other species have "unlimited" hair growth? I guess horse tails.
posted by DU at 9:18 AM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Where do these cream pies come from? Do baseball teams keep cream pies in the dugout?

Right next to the sunflower seeds.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:22 AM on December 19, 2008


I love Explainer. They have a great daily podcast too, which is how I usually consume it. Although for some reason hearing Samantha Henning say "this is your Slate Explainer podcast" really grates on me. It's not my podcast.
posted by grouse at 9:25 AM on December 19, 2008


Dear Explainer,

Who was it that first said, "There are no stupid questions" and have they ever read your year-end blog entry on stupid questions? If they did, do they now regret the original saying? Is there any way to get them to admit they were wrong?

Thanks!

HLM

PS Dumbest question I got this year was from a customer at my store. He came in with some CDs and said his stereo was broken and he wanted to know if I could play his music through the in-store sound system. When I refused, he wanted to know, "specifically," why not.
posted by Manhasset at 9:25 AM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


If you were on a boat, what signs do sharks give if they are hungry and will attack versus if they just want to swim around the boat?

If they're smiling, it means that they're friendly sharks.
posted by backseatpilot at 9:26 AM on December 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


"I have been accused of assault in Ohio. The woman fell over a box in the hall backward, and my brother opened the door, saw her lying there, and started hitting me. I got him down and held him down. It was all over a fight concerning my niece. What do you think will happen?"

You'll live happily ever after?
posted by dirtdirt at 9:27 AM on December 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


Why don't humans have a mating season?

We do. It's called "freshman year."
posted by googly at 9:27 AM on December 19, 2008 [6 favorites]


And the thing with the hair and nails - as a serious answer, I imagine that walking around barefoot and doing a lot more manual labor (digging around in the dirt, shaping rocks, etc.) would keep your nails pretty trimmed. Once stone tools got figured out it was probably a pretty small leap to slash at your long hair with a sharp rock.
posted by backseatpilot at 9:29 AM on December 19, 2008


Why do cockroaches flip over on their backsides when they die? I sprayed RAID into a hole in my wall the other day, and by the next morning I found six cockroaches laid out on my floor, all flipped over and all very dead!

Fool! They were playing dead. Try tickling them on the belly; it works with my puppy.
posted by found missing at 9:31 AM on December 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


Surprisingly, the answer to many of these questions is "Yo Mama."
posted by Paid In Full at 9:31 AM on December 19, 2008 [4 favorites]


Oooh, a podcast. I'm there! I just wish I hadn't missed 7 years already.

Also, only about half these questions are dumb.
posted by DU at 9:32 AM on December 19, 2008


If they're smiling, it means that they're friendly sharks.

and if they're singing, you must suck their dicks.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:39 AM on December 19, 2008 [5 favorites]


If there is so much oil in the Middle East, could one missile (such as the ones used to penetrate bunkers and caves) explode deep underground and hypothetically blow up a few countries?

Someone at DARPA needs to send this person a research grant application form.
posted by mandal at 9:40 AM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


It is a common baseball prank to give someone a cream pie in the face during a TV interview. Where do these cream pies come from? Do baseball teams keep cream pies in the dugout?

They store them in Barbasol cans.
posted by cl at 9:41 AM on December 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


If someone with DNA from the Stone Age were born today, would they be normal?

I was really surprised to see this on there, because the short answer is: probably, depending on whether we're talking about ancient anatomically modern humans or Neanderthals.

Ancient AMH have DNA that is indistinguishable from humans today, e.g. Caramelli et al 2003:
Following the most stringent current standards for validation of ancient DNA sequences, we typed the mtDNA hypervariable region I of two anatomically modern Homo sapiens sapiens individuals of the Cro-Magnon type dated at about 23 and 25 thousand years ago. Here we show that the mtDNAs of these individuals fall well within the range of variation of today's humans, but differ sharply from the available sequences of the chronologically closer Neandertals.
Neanderthals, all bets are off. They're not all that genetically different from AMH and current humans, but there are too many ifs to make a solid prediction either way.

And, after Neanderthals die out ~30kya, every human in the world has DNA presumably within the modern range, which leaves about 20k years of Stone Age (Upper Paleolithic, Mesolithic, Neolithic) with JUST modern human DNA.
posted by The Michael The at 9:48 AM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


I live in Washington, D.C., and we have very long escalators coming out of the Metro. If I grabbed the handrail when I first step onto the escalator and did not let go until I was at the top, my body would be almost prostrate across the steps. As I go higher on the escalator, I have to readjust the hand that is grabbing the rubber handrail. Why can't the companies that make escalators sync the steps and the handrails so that they go the same speed?

The companies do, in fact, produce escalators that have synced steps and handrails. What you're witnessing is a distortion in the very fabric of space and time caused by the immense amount of suckage emanating from the Capitol and the White House. In effect, this means that nothing will function correctly in Washington.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 9:49 AM on December 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


In case you don't understand Potomac Avenue's line: I'M A SHAAAARK!
posted by Skot at 9:49 AM on December 19, 2008


I think Jack Handey wrote at least a few of these, because they are definitely Deep Thoughts (tm). In particular this:

" If one gets a personal e-mail from a very famous or important person, such as the president, or the queen of England, or the Pope, or Paul McCartney, can that e-mail have monetary value? I guess not. It's just an electronic transmission on a screen. There's no original. There's no way to buy or sell it. Seems a shame tho."

reminds me of this:

"The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you."
posted by Kiablokirk at 9:51 AM on December 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


Why do all of the deli guys and food cart guys call me "Boss" (well, me and everyone else)?

Maybe you and your friends should stop wearing spikes and throwing fireballs at Italian immigrants.
posted by shadytrees at 9:57 AM on December 19, 2008 [6 favorites]


Why do cockroaches flip over on their backsides when they die?

Cecil Adams got to this one too. In 1983. And, coincidentally (or not?), republished on the front page of his website this very week.
posted by mhum at 10:13 AM on December 19, 2008


It's true: women love soup. I don't get it.
posted by mattbucher at 10:14 AM on December 19, 2008


The fucking cockroach question is winning? It's the most boring one in the bunch! I want to know where the king and queen of America are.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:15 AM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


What is the most disloyal dog breed?

judas terriers

Why does some music make you want to shake your butt?

the singers have bop guns

Could you please explain why it is that squirrels are capable of such amazing athletic feats?

they work out on power lines with crows spotting them

Why do women like soup?

it's the only way they can stay soft and squishy

If you were on a boat, what signs do sharks give if they are hungry and will attack versus if they just want to swim around the boat?

hungry sharks will always demand a passenger list

If someone with DNA from the Stone Age were born today, would they be normal?

no, they would be 10,000 years old and drink half their weight in geritol a day

How did early man deal with growing toe and fingernails?

it's not a well known fact but before the dinosaurs went extinct, some of them attempted to survive by opening beauty shops

During this weekend's football playoff game in Green Bay, the temperature at kickoff was 0 degrees, and by the end of the game was -4 degrees. When players get injured in such weather, do they bother putting ice on the injury?

no, they use frozen cheese

If there is so much oil in the Middle East, could one missile (such as the ones used to penetrate bunkers and caves) explode deep underground and hypothetically blow up a few countries?

yes, that's why we have a grand canyon

Why do cockroaches flip over on their backsides when they die?

they're giving you the finger - six times

How long can humans live when they are caught on fire?

that depends on how fast they're extinguished
posted by pyramid termite at 10:16 AM on December 19, 2008 [23 favorites]


Ancient AMH have DNA that is indistinguishable from humans today

That's not what that paper says. It focuses entirely on mitochondrial DNA, which reproduces asexually and therefore will not be subject to some of the same forces of evolution as the rest of your DNA. But that doesn't mean that the rest of the DNA wouldn't be very similar. 25,000 years is really the blink of an eye in evolutionary timescales.
posted by grouse at 10:17 AM on December 19, 2008


It's questions like these that make me love Ask MeFi.
posted by Lemurrhea at 10:49 AM on December 19, 2008


Paging hodgman!
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:52 AM on December 19, 2008


How did early man deal with growing toe and fingernails?

I've had this same question, only about hair. (I assume they just bit their nails.) Hack it with a rock?


I remember reading that a lion's mane in captivity is much longer than it is in the wild. When you're in a cage with nothing to do but lay around and eat steak, you kind of let yourself go. Having to run around on the savanah through the brush and grasses keeps their manes naturally trim. I reckon the same was true of early humans - their hair was probably quite long, but maybe not as long as it would grow if you or I stopped cutting it.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:56 AM on December 19, 2008


I think that a modern woman with nice long nails who manages to survive lost in the wilderness for a few weeks would return with substantially fucked up nails.
posted by Wood at 11:06 AM on December 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


Dumbest question I got this year was from a customer at my store.

Dumbest question I ever got was from a customer at my store. I was standing at the top of a staircase to the basement (where the bargain books were) and a customer came up to me and said "Is this the staircase to the basement?" I looked him straight in the eye and said "No, sir, this is the staircase to the attic," and walked away. I'm still amazed I kept that job for another few months.
posted by languagehat at 11:28 AM on December 19, 2008 [3 favorites]


I have been accused of assault in Ohio. The woman fell over a box in the hall backward, and my brother opened the door, saw her lying there, and started hitting me. I got him down and held him down. It was all over a fight concerning my niece. What do you think will happen?

When you go to the kitchen and see that your brother stole your refrigerator you're going to be really angry. You're going to want to get him down again, but by now that woman who fell over the box in the hall-way? She's gotten back up, has stopped screaming and is pissed. She found that softball bat you keep next to the front door and she thinks she's gonna use it. Your brother is going to hide behind her and wait for you to notice that the box in the hall-way is full of the stuff from the fridge, and generally talk shit at you. You're going to get really really angry and jump out a window, run around the house and come back in the front door, intent on getting at your brother from behind. Of course, he and the woman will have switched places, and you will have been foiled! So you'll run outside and start kicking your brothers car and he'll just stand there and laugh because you still haven't noticed that the fridge sticking out of his trunk is your fridge!

After a while, once you've got his car door good and messed up and you're pretty tired, the woman, who with your brother, has come out onto the lawn to watch you try and beat up a car, is going to ask you what's up with the fridge. You're going to say you don't know, but you're really tired, need a beer, and you'll be right back. You'll go into your house, the woman and your brother will exchange a high-five out on the lawn, then get into your brother's car and drive off somewhere. When you get to your kitchen you'll notice the fridge again and punch the wall really hard. Your hand will go through the plaster. It'll feel good, so you'll do it again, but this time your hand will hit something really hard, you'll hear a sound kind of like a small branch snapping and feel a surprisingly large pain in your punching hand. Moments later your hand will swell up ridiculously and when you admit to yourself that it's broken, you'll have to get your neighbor to give you a lift to the hospital.

Yeah, it's gonna be a tough month.
posted by From Bklyn at 11:29 AM on December 19, 2008 [5 favorites]


In the late 1930s or early 1940s, I was looking through an old stack of Life magazines, and there was a picture of an old couple sitting on the porch of a cabin (or shack) up in the mountains somewhere in Appalachia, with the notation: "The King and Queen of America?" The small article with the picture stated that if George Washington had become king of the U.S., these two would (under the usual custom) be our king and queen.

As of 2000, Paul Emory Washington was the "King of America."
posted by Johnny Assay at 11:30 AM on December 19, 2008 [5 favorites]


Based on Johnny Assay's link, this is probably the photo the questioner was thinking of.
posted by gubo at 11:40 AM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


I thought it was Elvis Costello.
posted by box at 11:42 AM on December 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


Dumbest question I got this year was from a customer at my store.

Oh, I'll play! Years ago at the depressing futon store (is there such a thing as a non-depressing futon store?) where I worked:

Customer: (Pointing at perfectly ordinary clock on the wall behind me) Is that a clock?
Me: (Turns head) Uh, yes.
Customer: (Nods with satisfaction, leaves without another word)
posted by Skot at 11:43 AM on December 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


Why do all of the deli guys and food cart guys call me "Boss" (well, me and everyone else)?

When this happens to me, I like to pretend that they're saying "Balls"
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 11:48 AM on December 19, 2008


Few of these questions hold any interest to me. Women like soup better thasn men? Really? Was there a study done on this? My guess is it has to do with calories. I would like to know which dog breed is the most disloyal, however. The question I've been thinking about lately is:

Why, aside from some British shows and a very few Canadian shows, aren't there any foreign television shows available to rent from Netflix? Many of the best movies available are foreign, why not TV? Where are the Swedish dramas? The Australian comedies? The Dutch mini-series?
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 11:59 AM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Why do all of the deli guys and food cart guys call me "Boss" (well, me and everyone else)?

Because they recognize you (and everyone else) as their superior.
posted by swift at 12:05 PM on December 19, 2008


That's a good question. Here's mine:

Why don't they make movies where two cheesy features from the 90s conflict with each other in some non-violent but dramatic way? Like instead of Aliens vs Predator,

Kindergarten Cop vs Mr. Mom
Ferris Bueller vs Garp
Benny and Joon vs Harold and Maude
Tootsie vs Ghostbusters
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:06 PM on December 19, 2008 [7 favorites]


Edit out 90s in that post. I just got back from my office xmas party which raises another question.

Why do companies have office parties at like 1:30 in the afternoon so you go and get drunk and then inevitably do a bunch of work after while drunk? Seems fiscally unconscionable. But fun!

*hits reply all*
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:10 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Who made up the rule that if you wore a shirt all day, went home, and washed it, you can't wear it the next day?

Goddamn right. I hate that rule.

When I worked at the library someone asked me what color the yellow pages were. I'm pretty sure they were serious. The patron was frustrated with the two-volume-government-pages-are-blue phonebook.
posted by marxchivist at 12:32 PM on December 19, 2008


filthy light thief:
Dudes just need to wear khaki when eating Activia. The active ingredients get all happy in the company of khaki-clad legs, and do a little happy dance through your bowels. Neither men nor women should wear leather or pleather pants while eating Activia. It's just a bad scene.
"

Fuck that, I wear jeans and eat that yogurt, and my wife's nose is happier for it.
posted by notsnot at 12:46 PM on December 19, 2008


Who made up the rule that if you wore a shirt all day, went home, and washed it, you can't wear it the next day?

If this really is a rule, it's not enforced particularly well. I only have a few shirts that I can wear to work so I wear the same shirt on consecutive days every week. And I don't usually wash them in between. Nobody seems to notice or care. People aren't paying as much attention to you as you might think. I couldn't tell you what anybody at the office was wearing today.
posted by GalaxieFiveHundred at 12:55 PM on December 19, 2008


People aren't paying as much attention to you as you might think.

I have found the opposite to be true, alas. Who notices the difference between pairs of work pants? Answer: All the women in my office (except me.)
posted by small_ruminant at 1:01 PM on December 19, 2008


And if you work in IT there's no reason to even wash that Filter shirt you wear everyday. Just let it ride homey, nobody cares.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:15 PM on December 19, 2008


I wear jeans and eat that yogurt, and my wife's nose is happier for it.

You hang your wife upside down and poop in her nose?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:21 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


One time I pretty much wore the same pair of pants to work for about a year. It was a small office of a staffing firm. Anyhow, I washed the pants regularly and pretty much only wore them to work (I would usually change after work or whatever). Eventually I admitted wearing the same pants for a year, and the response was basically, "Yeah, we noticed that. We just figured you had a bunch of pairs of the same pants."

That was supposed to be kinda related to the shirt thing.
posted by snofoam at 1:21 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


I answered these on my blog this morning.

� I have been accused of assault in Ohio. The woman fell over a box in the hall backward, and my brother opened the door, saw her lying there, and started hitting me. I got him down and held him down. It was all over a fight concerning my niece. What do you think will happen?

A: The Buckeyes will win three straight over the Wolverines before Rich Rodriguez finds the maize-and-blue equivalent to White/Slaton to restore Michigan's place in the top tier of the Big Ten.

posted by GamblingBlues at 1:21 PM on December 19, 2008


What's the difference between Social Security and a Ponzi scheme?

Really, I want to know.
posted by swift at 1:27 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


What's the difference between Social Security and a Ponzi scheme?

Really, I want to know.
Ponzi schemes, to be sustained indefinitely, require an ever-increasing number of current investors to pay the current beneficiaries. Social Security does not.
posted by Flunkie at 1:39 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Why don't humans have a mating season?

The evolutionary and/or biological justifications for concealed estrus in humans is in fact an ongoing topic of scientific interest and debate (article cited not as any sort of authoratative conclusion, just an example of the sorts of complicated issues under discussion).
posted by nanojath at 2:01 PM on December 19, 2008


How do i pres Butan?

(p.s. i know i had to press a button to post this)
posted by phylum sinter at 2:11 PM on December 19, 2008


Metafilter: Justifications for concealed estrus in humans
posted by Skot at 2:25 PM on December 19, 2008


The escalator/handrail thing: it's to keep you from leaning on the handrail.
posted by schoolgirl report at 2:41 PM on December 19, 2008


Burma's dictator has a chestful of b------- medals. What's up with that, Explainer?

Bastard medals? Bullshit medals? Buggery medals?

Because man, if there's a country where you can win medals for bullshitting and buggery, I am there.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:59 PM on December 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


Baloney Medal nomnomnom.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 3:08 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Because man, if there's a country where you can win medals for bullshitting and buggery, I am there.

that would be spain - surely you've heard of the rutting of the bulls
posted by pyramid termite at 9:20 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Why do already-fabulously-rich celebrities agree to do those GOD AWFUL World of Warcraft Commercials?
posted by tehloki at 9:41 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Oh dear. I prefer my bullshit nonliteral and my buggery entirely separate from it, thanks.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:28 PM on December 19, 2008


Yeah, we noticed that. We just figured you had a bunch of pairs of the same pants.
I have a coworker that does this. Now I'm curious.
posted by camdan at 4:29 PM on December 20, 2008


I also had a job where - well, actually, I wore the same pair of pants every day. And I'm a lady person. And they were janitor pants from the thrift store and they didn't fit me at all - I got them because they were a dollar. I was working as a telemarketer and I firmly believed, being a right-thinking individual, that telemarketers shouldn't have a dress code, so I followed the letter of the law (no jeans) but not the spirit (look professional). I was one of their best performers, so no one bothered me about it.

Oh, and I was fuckin' punk rock at the time, so I only showered like once a week. That's what I call Stickin' It To The Man.
posted by smartyboots at 2:51 AM on December 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


Oh, and I was fuckin' punk rock at the time, so I only showered like once a week. That's what I call Stickin' It To The Man.

The only-mildly-punk-rock also shower only once a week, but use deodorant on the other days. It's known as Speed Stickin' It To The Man.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:12 AM on December 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


I wanted to see them answer the Beijing question. Just explain that the name was never correctly pronounced PayKing because they were using antiquated phonetics.
posted by Megafly at 12:49 PM on December 21, 2008


Jesus christ, how did we get this far in the thread without mentioning the most obvious question:

HOW IS BABBY FORMED?
posted by desjardins at 10:33 AM on December 22, 2008


I have one:

Why is it that when you look at a light through some hair, or a latticework of wet branches, the hairs or the branches seem to bend into a circular pattern orbiting around the light?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:33 PM on December 22, 2008


Why is it that when you look at a light through some hair, or a latticework of wet branches, the hairs or the branches seem to bend into a circular pattern orbiting around the light?

Circles of light in Tree-Tops (from The Nature of Light and Color in the Open Air, by M. Minnaert)
posted by jquinby at 7:51 PM on December 22, 2008 [2 favorites]


Yesterday was the last day of the Explainer podcast until further notice.

.
posted by grouse at 5:58 PM on January 10, 2009


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