"It's all caviar and ballons until someone backhands a cop!"

December 20, 2008 4:29 PM

The Cliche-o-Matic: Never be at a loss for banal words again!
posted by Navelgazer (46 comments total)

I'd hit it.
posted by grouse at 4:33 PM on December 20, 2008

"Don't shit on my cakehole and tell me it's cookies."
posted by Bookhouse at 4:33 PM on December 20, 2008

Meh.

(~_^)
posted by gomichild at 4:34 PM on December 20, 2008

There's more than one way to bang a hooker? No shit. There's just ways that cost more.
posted by Weighted Companion Cube at 4:37 PM on December 20, 2008

Don't shit on my thread and tell me it's inappropriate! = Don't breathe on my cakehole and tell me it's cotton candy!
posted by gman at 4:38 PM on December 20, 2008

"The weenie is always sweatier in the old folks' home."
posted by brundlefly at 4:40 PM on December 20, 2008

"Don't shit on my toes and tell me it's Christmas."

But it is Christmas!
I have poop on my toes.
posted by slimepuppy at 4:40 PM on December 20, 2008

Cliché fail:

"Don't suck on my leg and tell me it's foreplay!"
posted by CKmtl at 4:42 PM on December 20, 2008

It's all shits and Mardi Gras until someone hoses down a ballsack.
posted by WolfDaddy at 4:49 PM on December 20, 2008

some of my results:

"I'm so peckish I could suck down a Frenchman!"

"Don't shit on my mother and tell me it's Tuesday!"

"The inmates are always foamier at the OK Corral."

"It's all caviar and nipple clamps, until someone tweaks and ass crack!"

"That's the way the firehose splatters."

"Some days you're the poop, some days you're the cup."

"I need that like a need a beaver in my tuckus."

"I can see the money shots at the end of the doctor's visit!"

"You can't bang a lawyer without swallowing some spunk."

You'll notice a certain theme to all of these.
posted by LMGM at 4:52 PM on December 20, 2008

It's all tits and strippers until someone busts a ballsack.

I could do this all day.
posted by slimepuppy at 4:57 PM on December 20, 2008

After getting "Some days you're the poop; some days you're the cup!" (Situation #10) and "He doesn't know cookie dough from tranny turds!" (Situatioin #12) right off the bat, I became suspicious. Upon further examination, it turns out it isn't what I initially thought. Good on'im for including the word "snarkier" in the word list though.

"That which does not castrate me will only make me snarkier!" (Situation #13)
posted by Avelwood at 4:57 PM on December 20, 2008

This is my newest and bestest friend!

Some days you're the lip gloss; some days you're the rubber!
posted by P.o.B. at 4:58 PM on December 20, 2008

"i'm so horny i could lick a llama"

i quit - it's all downhill from there
posted by pyramid termite at 5:16 PM on December 20, 2008

You can't marry a millionaire without greasing some ass. So true.
posted by waraw at 5:16 PM on December 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

AKA Snowclones.
posted by Rhaomi at 5:18 PM on December 20, 2008

pyramid termite, the first one I got was:

"I'm so horny I could lick a woodsman."
posted by brundlefly at 5:18 PM on December 20, 2008

The word corpus was apparently populated by 12 year olds.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 5:19 PM on December 20, 2008

"That and a firehose will get you a movie deal"

Indeed. Indeed it will...

(I love this very much.)
posted by howrobotsaremade at 5:20 PM on December 20, 2008

"You can't pork a Muppet without greasing some fur."

O.O
posted by Night_owl at 5:22 PM on December 20, 2008

Situation #4: Stupidity (e.g., 'She's not the sharpest tool in the shed!')

She's not the roundest testicle in/on the titty bar!
posted by ZenMasterThis at 5:23 PM on December 20, 2008

You're the yak's asscrack!
posted by triolus at 5:34 PM on December 20, 2008

what
posted by fixedgear at 5:37 PM on December 20, 2008

"I'm so drunk, I could pork a Frenchman!"
"She's not the scariest pair of nipples in the porno!"
"The tits are always curlier in the other bed."
"The hazing of a dozen strippers begins with a single wedgie."
"I need that like I need a camel toe in my knickers!"
"You're the beaver's gonads!"
"I can see the snuggles at the end of the peep show."
"That and a paddle will get you a movie deal."
"Well, stroke my sphincter and call me Lambchop."
"Fools fight on where Canadians fear to stand."
"Holiness is in the pope hat of the bushwacker."
"Sometimes you have to wrangle the jackass by the bolo tie."
"You can't host a lawyer without fingering some ass."

This is MADE OF WIN.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:39 PM on December 20, 2008

"It's all ice cream and beach balls until someone sprains an asscrack." That's exactly what my horrifying Aunt Vi used to say.
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:44 PM on December 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

They're missing one:

She had a [body] that could make a [Bishop] kick out a [stained glass window]!
posted by Devils Rancher at 5:53 PM on December 20, 2008

"Well, tweak my nethers and call me a taxi."
posted by OverlappingElvis at 6:00 PM on December 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

Don't piss on my hand and tell me it's Christmas!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:00 PM on December 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

Don't suck on my toes and tell me it's yummy? Huh, that one sort of makes sense...
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:01 PM on December 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

This thread is uglier than death backing out of a shithouse reading Mad magazine.
posted by jonmc at 6:12 PM on December 20, 2008

Don't nail me to a cross and tell me it's Easter.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 6:20 PM on December 20, 2008 [5 favorites]

"That's the way the man sauce sizzles"
posted by Lemurrhea at 6:21 PM on December 20, 2008

Metafilter: That which does not burn me will only make me snarkier!
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:28 PM on December 20, 2008

I didn't get where I am today by using cliches.
posted by uosuaq at 6:30 PM on December 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

Crikey:There is more then one way to polish off an andoconda!
posted by Upon Further Review at 7:44 PM on December 20, 2008

I didn't get where I am today by using cliches.

I got to where I am today by using cliches.

This is one of those weird situations where saying the exact opposite of a sentence has the exact same intended message. Is there a name for that?
posted by Lemurrhea at 8:47 PM on December 20, 2008

cliche
posted by Frasermoo at 9:29 PM on December 20, 2008

I'm impressed with Charlie Hatton, the funnyblogger who put this thing together (IN MARCH OF 2006!) There are several YEARS of material ranging from mildly humorous to ROFLMAO, including his application of the Chuck Norris Facts formula to Alton Brown:

#7. Alton Brown doesn't reduce sauces. He demoralizes sauces.

#9. Alton Brown's blender has four speeds: 'stir', 'mix', 'frappe', and 'plasmify'.

#20. Alton Brown's cakes don't rise. They ascend.

#23. Alton Brown doesn't whip potatoes. Alton Brown's potatoes whip themselves, if they know what's good for them.

#24. Alton Brown's other car is the Wienermobile.

#36. In Alton Brown's fridge, the open boxes of baking soda aren't thrown out when they're through absorbing odors. They go straight to the Louvre.

#40. Alton Brown's fudge brownies aren't simply dark and rich. Alton Brown's fudge brownies actually exert a mild gravitational pull.

#41. Gordon Ramsay calls Alton Brown 'sir'.

#46. Alton Brown doesn't use deodorant. Alton Brown brushes down with olive oil.

#54. Alton Brown owns the fastest mixer in existence. When he runs it in reverse, time flows backwards.

#55. The Eskimos have fifty words for 'snow'. Alton Brown has fifty words for 'kosher salt'.

He also has a collection of lists he wrote that were rejected by McSweeney's (of course, some of them are better than ones they've used):

Additional Situations During Which Sting May Be 'Watching You'

Every leaf you rake
Every limp handshake
On your coffee break
When your bunions ache
During Rikki Lake
At your next clambake

Note: I really felt like throwing a 'When you cheat on your taxes' or 'While you're sleeping' in there, but I thought it might be a little much.

I'm adding this guy to my list of unknown people funnier than I am, so how dare I even think I can succeed at writing funny, dammit.
posted by wendell at 9:56 PM on December 20, 2008 [5 favorites]

Alton Brown could make a pound cake out of an ounce of seaweed.
posted by tehloki at 3:39 AM on December 21, 2008

She's not the slipperiest dildo in the taco platter.
posted by Esoquo at 9:07 AM on December 21, 2008

Also, fools drop trou where Puritans fear to stand.
posted by Esoquo at 9:11 AM on December 21, 2008

Navelgazer: I am sure you regret posting this, but you know you cannot put the crisco back in the firehose.
posted by idiopath at 3:30 PM on December 21, 2008

I'm so famished, I could suck down a Frenchman!

wait...what?!
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 9:36 PM on December 21, 2008

and by the way, don't shit on my mother and call it chocolate.

Best thing since Internet-sliced bread
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 9:40 PM on December 21, 2008

I'm so horny, I could cram a penguin.

Excellent.
posted by Cantdosleepy at 7:11 AM on December 22, 2008

Don't sweat on my crotch and call it Christmas.
posted by minifigs at 8:12 AM on December 23, 2008