McSweeney's help for spam authors
January 14, 2009 7:07 PM Subscribe
THE ELEMENTS OF SPAM (single link McSweeney's post)
I could never warm up to McSweeney's. Those wide margins put me off, for starters.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 7:23 PM on January 14, 2009
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 7:23 PM on January 14, 2009
it
would
be
bad
enough
if
mcsweeney's
were
just
unfunny
but
they
also
have
the
narrowest
text
in
this
sector
of
the
galaxy
posted by DU at 7:24 PM on January 14, 2009 [8 favorites]
MetaFilter: exactly one week away from an 11-inch jizz stick.
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:24 PM on January 14, 2009
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:24 PM on January 14, 2009
Wow. Spam parodies. I love it when we go out on a limb.
posted by jonmc at 7:29 PM on January 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by jonmc at 7:29 PM on January 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you like this, you may find this funny too.
Heh, heh. Reader's Digest never fails to tickle the old funny bone. Laughter *is* the best medicine after all!
I used to love Retard's Digest when I was a kid and but feel like pistol-whipping my parents whenever I find it at their house.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 7:31 PM on January 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Heh, heh. Reader's Digest never fails to tickle the old funny bone. Laughter *is* the best medicine after all!
I used to love Retard's Digest when I was a kid and but feel like pistol-whipping my parents whenever I find it at their house.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 7:31 PM on January 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
but *now* feel like
posted by Turtles all the way down at 7:33 PM on January 14, 2009
posted by Turtles all the way down at 7:33 PM on January 14, 2009
Another recent bit of McSweeney excellence: No Son of Mine Plays Oregon Trail Like That.
posted by Rinku at 7:41 PM on January 14, 2009 [7 favorites]
posted by Rinku at 7:41 PM on January 14, 2009 [7 favorites]
HAMLET (FACEBOOK NEWS
FEED EDITION).
posted by fixedgear at 7:45 PM on January 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
FEED EDITION).
posted by fixedgear at 7:45 PM on January 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
McSweeney's most hilarious essay. Brilliant. I've sent this to everyone I know.
posted by terranova at 7:53 PM on January 14, 2009
posted by terranova at 7:53 PM on January 14, 2009
25. While I was shopping in a pharmacy, a couple of teenagers came in. They were dressed in leather, chains, and safety pins. The boy had blue and purple spiked hair and the girl's hair was bright yellow. Suddenly the boy picked up a pair of sunglasses and tried them on. "What do you think?" he asked his girlfriend.
"Take them off!" she howled. "They make you look ridiculous."
--Audrey Kelly
posted by meech at 8:11 PM on January 14, 2009
"Take them off!" she howled. "They make you look ridiculous."
--Audrey Kelly
posted by meech at 8:11 PM on January 14, 2009
McSweeney's most hilarious essay. Brilliant. I've sent this to everyone I know.
I see what you did there.
posted by The White Hat at 8:12 PM on January 14, 2009
I see what you did there.
posted by The White Hat at 8:12 PM on January 14, 2009
My lower intestine is full of Spam, Egg, Spam, Bacon, Spam, Tomatoes, Spam
posted by nola at 8:35 PM on January 14, 2009
posted by nola at 8:35 PM on January 14, 2009
14. A male friend of mine, an engineer at an aircraft company, works for a woman supervisor. An active member of women's lib groups, she often shows up at work wearing buttons featuring feminist slogans. One day, her latest button, "Adam was a rough draft," proved too much for my friend. The next day, he showed up at work sporting his own button: "Eve was no prime rib."
--Phyllis Reely
Delightful!
posted by From Bklyn at 8:48 PM on January 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
--Phyllis Reely
Delightful!
posted by From Bklyn at 8:48 PM on January 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
I like McSweeney's, but I also like Achewood's dismantling of McSweeney's.
posted by danb at 8:49 PM on January 14, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by danb at 8:49 PM on January 14, 2009 [3 favorites]
This part made me laugh:
Elementary Principles of Composition
14. Use the active voice.
Notice how aloof the passive voice is.
Your balls are to be slurped the most by cum-starved nymphos!!!!!
Hardly persuasive. The five exclamation points feel tacked on, an attempt by an inexperienced writer to breathe life into a desiccated construction. The active voice, however, allows you to write with verve and straightforwardness.
Cum-starved nymphos will slurp your balls the most!!!!!
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 8:50 PM on January 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Elementary Principles of Composition
14. Use the active voice.
Notice how aloof the passive voice is.
Your balls are to be slurped the most by cum-starved nymphos!!!!!
Hardly persuasive. The five exclamation points feel tacked on, an attempt by an inexperienced writer to breathe life into a desiccated construction. The active voice, however, allows you to write with verve and straightforwardness.
Cum-starved nymphos will slurp your balls the most!!!!!
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 8:50 PM on January 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
An active member of women's lib groups...
Heh heh. Good to finally see those libbers taken down a notch!
posted by PlusDistance at 8:54 PM on January 14, 2009
Heh heh. Good to finally see those libbers taken down a notch!
posted by PlusDistance at 8:54 PM on January 14, 2009
I miss the spam messages that promised to give extra footage and volume to my semen velocity:
INCRASE YOUR CUM OUTPUT BY 75%!!!&
or simply:
SHOOT YOUR WAD FURTHER AND LONGER111!!!
I stopped getting these and wondered if they had somehow felt that their mission was accomplished.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 8:57 PM on January 14, 2009
INCRASE YOUR CUM OUTPUT BY 75%!!!&
or simply:
SHOOT YOUR WAD FURTHER AND LONGER111!!!
I stopped getting these and wondered if they had somehow felt that their mission was accomplished.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 8:57 PM on January 14, 2009
171. As a pastor, I rarely use computers. My knowledge of them is limited. So when my PC wouldn't start, I called Microsoft technical support. A young gentleman listened to my woes, then after a long moment of silence said, "Behold, I tell you a mystery; we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed." It was Corinthians 15:15! Apparently, a "virus" had wiped out my "hard drive." We both laughed until he had to take the next call.
posted by terranova at 9:40 PM on January 14, 2009
posted by terranova at 9:40 PM on January 14, 2009
I'm hesitant to lend approval to a single link McSweeney's post, but whatever your opinion on the writing they feature, they publish some amazingly designed, really creative books. I, er, don't have any because I can't afford them, and maybe they're cooler to me because I have enough experience to know just how hard the design and production of those must be, but if you ever get a chance to check them out, they're really, really cool.
posted by Caduceus at 9:40 PM on January 14, 2009
posted by Caduceus at 9:40 PM on January 14, 2009
You know, I clicked the link hoping it was some kind of cool recipe thing for Spam. You know, since I bought some with the hopes of recreating the awesome whatever-it-was that I got from the 7-11 in Hawaii a few years back.
My dismay at finding I was mislead is boundless.
posted by Kimothy at 11:16 PM on January 14, 2009
My dismay at finding I was mislead is boundless.
posted by Kimothy at 11:16 PM on January 14, 2009
Where is the Humor in Uniform® Torture Special?
posted by maxwelton at 3:08 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by maxwelton at 3:08 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you don't think the Oregon Trail piece is funny, then we have nothing in common and we can't be friends.
posted by diogenes at 4:11 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by diogenes at 4:11 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you like this, you may find this funny too.
posted by KokuRyu at 7:18 PM on January 14
Man, Reader's Digest got weird.
7. The minute I walked into the post office, the postmaster noticed the new earrings my husband had given me.
"Those must be real diamonds," she said.
"Yes," I said. "How could you tell?"
"Because," she said, "no one buys fake diamonds that small."
I wept silently as she handed me the mail.
"Another bill from the hospital," she said. "Maybe if Ted's cancer hadn't wiped out your savings he could have bought you bigger diamonds."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 6:04 AM on January 15, 2009 [17 favorites]
posted by KokuRyu at 7:18 PM on January 14
Man, Reader's Digest got weird.
7. The minute I walked into the post office, the postmaster noticed the new earrings my husband had given me.
"Those must be real diamonds," she said.
"Yes," I said. "How could you tell?"
"Because," she said, "no one buys fake diamonds that small."
I wept silently as she handed me the mail.
"Another bill from the hospital," she said. "Maybe if Ted's cancer hadn't wiped out your savings he could have bought you bigger diamonds."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 6:04 AM on January 15, 2009 [17 favorites]
33. My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."
As I sat with my fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought for a minute, then responded, "big boob fuck sex."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 6:06 AM on January 15, 2009 [8 favorites]
As I sat with my fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought for a minute, then responded, "big boob fuck sex."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 6:06 AM on January 15, 2009 [8 favorites]
48. Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him.
"I'm going to be away for a long time," I told him. "I'm going to Iraq."
"Why?" he asked. "Don't you know there's a war going on over there?"
"I do," I replied, wrapping my hands around his small throat. "In death, we will be reunited."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 6:10 AM on January 15, 2009 [8 favorites]
"I'm going to be away for a long time," I told him. "I'm going to Iraq."
"Why?" he asked. "Don't you know there's a war going on over there?"
"I do," I replied, wrapping my hands around his small throat. "In death, we will be reunited."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 6:10 AM on January 15, 2009 [8 favorites]
17. Driving with my two young boys to a funeral, I tried to prepare them by talking about burial and what we believe happens after death. The boys behaved well during the service. But at the gravesite, I discovered my explanations weren't as thorough as I'd thought. In a loud voice, my four-year-old asked, "Mom?"
"Yes," I whispered.
"What's in the box?"
"A corpse," I replied. "And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment: so Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto salvation."
He appeared satisfied with this answer, but a few minutes later he tugged at my sleeve.
"I'm atheist," he said. "Deal with it."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 6:16 AM on January 15, 2009 [3 favorites]
"Yes," I whispered.
"What's in the box?"
"A corpse," I replied. "And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment: so Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto salvation."
He appeared satisfied with this answer, but a few minutes later he tugged at my sleeve.
"I'm atheist," he said. "Deal with it."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 6:16 AM on January 15, 2009 [3 favorites]
I miss the spam messages that promised to give extra footage and volume to my semen velocity:
INCRASE YOUR CUM OUTPUT BY 75%!!!&
Oh, I miss those too. There was something touchingly naive about the idea that:
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:13 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
INCRASE YOUR CUM OUTPUT BY 75%!!!&
Oh, I miss those too. There was something touchingly naive about the idea that:
Your girlfriend will be blasted away in the ocean of your cumwas a selling point. The idea that I might want to be "blasted" or even "drowned" by fountains of sperm never occurred to me.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:13 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
21. A woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy along with her seven-year-old son. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"
"What do you say?" she said.
He replied, "You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached into her purse and gave her son the money.
Many years later I found out that her son had done very well for himself as a gigolo. He knew just what to say to all the old women to make them feel good about themselves, and eventually one of his clients died and left him a fortune. Now I'm sorry I didn't train my boys better, but it's not too late for my grandsons!
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:26 AM on January 15, 2009
"What do you say?" she said.
He replied, "You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached into her purse and gave her son the money.
Many years later I found out that her son had done very well for himself as a gigolo. He knew just what to say to all the old women to make them feel good about themselves, and eventually one of his clients died and left him a fortune. Now I'm sorry I didn't train my boys better, but it's not too late for my grandsons!
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:26 AM on January 15, 2009
I like McSweeney's, but I also like Achewood's dismantling of McSweeney's.
I also very much appreciate McSweeney's, although I didn't think this particular thing was very funny. But that Achewood supposed 'dismantling' was even less funny.
posted by kingbenny at 9:21 AM on January 15, 2009
I also very much appreciate McSweeney's, although I didn't think this particular thing was very funny. But that Achewood supposed 'dismantling' was even less funny.
posted by kingbenny at 9:21 AM on January 15, 2009
YEAH FUCKING SHOW SPAM WHOS BOSS DAVE EGGERS!!!
AND CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT AIRLINE FOOD!!! ITS SO BAD
posted by Damn That Television at 9:30 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
AND CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT AIRLINE FOOD!!! ITS SO BAD
posted by Damn That Television at 9:30 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you like this, you'll enjoy Penny Arcade's Mr Period.
posted by tomcooke at 10:15 AM on January 15, 2009
posted by tomcooke at 10:15 AM on January 15, 2009
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posted by KokuRyu at 7:18 PM on January 14, 2009 [2 favorites]