The Beast

January 16, 2009 1:45 AM

Apparently, the president-elect is getting a new limousine. Details are sparse, but one thing is certain: it's damned ugly.

“Although many of the vehicle’s security enhancements cannot be discussed, it is safe to say that this car’s security and coded communications systems make it the most technologically advanced protection vehicle in the world,” Nicholas Trotta, assistant director for the Office of Protective Operations, said in a statement.

Not surprisingly, a Secret Service spokeswoman would not be drawn on whether the vehicle was resistant to bomb or chemical attacks. But it would be a safe guess to say it is.

Cadillac, a division of General Motors Corp., issued its own statement on the new vehicle, saying it had taken steps to ensure no details of its design leaked out during its manufacture.

It said the vehicle, which is completely different to the one now being used by President George W. Bush, had been subjected to “an extreme testing regimen,” for which read: a lot of prototypes were blown up.

“The rear passenger area includes an extensive executive compartment with ample seating space, outward visibility and useful mobile office features,” it added.

No word on an iPod dock.

posted by chuckdarwin (90 comments total)

He gets a new car?

I always wondered why Oprah was lurking around during the acceptance speech.
posted by rokusan at 1:49 AM on January 16 [6 favorites has favorites]

Looks pretty fuel efficient.
posted by nudar at 1:54 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

The graphic on the Christian Science Monitor link made me laugh.

Driver's Window: tough enough to withstand armour piercing bullets. The only window that opens- by just three inches- so the driver can pay a toll or talk with secret service agents running alongside.

Maybe it's just me, but I just can't picture the presidential limo stopping to pay a toll.
posted by ClanvidHorse at 1:57 AM on January 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

*looks under his seat cushion*
posted by Poolio at 1:57 AM on January 16

The vehicle [was] subjected to “an extreme testing regimen,” for which read: a lot of prototypes were blown up.

Video, please.
posted by rokusan at 1:59 AM on January 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

It could be worse. If Ahnold had somehow become President, it'd be Hummer.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 2:04 AM on January 16

It could be worse. If Ahnold had somehow become President, it'd be Hummer.

To say nothing of the cyborgs.
posted by Poolio at 2:13 AM on January 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

I was just thinking that it's probably the only new car GM has sold in a while.
posted by chuckdarwin at 2:17 AM on January 16 [16 favorites has favorites]

Full-size version of the "limousine" link.
posted by alexei at 2:20 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Cheers, alexei. I fucked that one up.
posted by chuckdarwin at 2:22 AM on January 16

Ha ha. "Petrol" how cute.
posted by Science! at 2:22 AM on January 16

(if you check that link, it's a dailymail graphic. The Daily Mail is a British 'newspaper')
posted by chuckdarwin at 2:26 AM on January 16

I know.

I was going to joke about how my 15 year old Jimmy could fulfill most of needs of this car (won't get shot at or bombed because it already looks like it's been shot at and bombed), but this thing has a backup oxygen supply, a more than respectable arms cache, and a supply of the president's blood, just in case! Badass. He can lead the country and not be afraid of zombies.
posted by Science! at 2:30 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't even know what my blood type is.
posted by chuckdarwin at 2:35 AM on January 16

It's a Cadillac. It's made by the people who came up with the Escalade; surely no one was expecting anything remotely good looking from those people?
posted by bjrn at 2:36 AM on January 16

As if they stop to pay tolls ????
posted by Burgatron at 2:46 AM on January 16

If Ahnold had somehow become President, it'd be Hummer.

Always with the plo chops.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:54 AM on January 16 [14 favorites has favorites]

He can lead the country and not be afraid of zombies.

That's exactly the sort of overconfidence will see the First Brains eaten.
posted by codswallop at 3:12 AM on January 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Wow. I thought this was just going to be a heavily-armored, vertically-stretched Cadillac DTS, but supposedly it's based on the same platform as the Silverado, whatever that means these days. I wonder how many parts it actually shares with a Cadillac.
posted by dunkadunc at 3:44 AM on January 16

No word on an iPod dock.

Does that mean they added a Zune dock?
posted by explosion at 3:51 AM on January 16

So.. obamobile, eh?
posted by rainy at 3:59 AM on January 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

And he'll still get pulled over for DWB.

AMIRITE??? No? Sorry.
posted by bardic at 4:11 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

They keep his blood on board? Really? How long do you think blood survives once it's donated? A couple of weeks tops? Or is it really a batch of frozen blood that they have to try and defrost without cooking it?

I assume it's Obama's blood type, not his actual blood. That would be a touch creepy...
posted by twine42 at 4:17 AM on January 16

Meh I don't think it's ugly. It's a pretty slick looking armored vehicle.
posted by MrBobaFett at 4:20 AM on January 16

Historic pictures. The Lincolns were pretty good looking, but convertibles are never coming back.
posted by fixedgear at 4:23 AM on January 16

My phrase of the week: eh, just give it to Joe.
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:37 AM on January 16

What good are the pump action shotguns if the windows don't open? Every self-respecting armored vehicle has firing ports, come on.
posted by Skorgu at 4:43 AM on January 16

He can lead the country and not be afraid of zombies.

How exactly? The one window that opens only opens 3 inches. Can't throw bags of decoy blood through such a narrow opening.
posted by Gungho at 4:47 AM on January 16

Does that mean they added a Zune dock?

So they can't drive it on the last day of leap years?
posted by inigo2 at 4:52 AM on January 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

He should put on those spinning hubcaps, just to freak out the red belt.
posted by mecran01 at 5:00 AM on January 16 [6 favorites has favorites]

I don't think it looks ugly, exactly...
I think it looks unstoppable.

Frankly, I don't know why it should look differently.
posted by markkraft at 5:12 AM on January 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

And besides, you should check out the interior!
posted by markkraft at 5:13 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

The President in the cutaway picture looks just like the guys from Madmen. It's about time martinis came back to the oval office.
posted by oddman at 5:16 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

He should hand it over to MTV's Pimp My Ride.
posted by bjrn at 5:16 AM on January 16

YO DAWG WE HEARD YOU LIKE PRESIDENTIN SO WE PUT AN OVAL OFFICE IN YOUR CAR SO YOU CAN PRESIDE WHILE YOU RIDE
posted by Spatch at 5:22 AM on January 16 [59 favorites has favorites]

(Totally off topic, again. Montalban is the new Walken.)

If I were Obama, I would insist on the driver opening the window a crack and blaring some Isaac Hayes, while the Secret Service jogs alongside... just because I could.
posted by markkraft at 5:31 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Apparently, the president-elect is getting a new limousine.

Actually, I think this needed a slight correction. When Mr. Obama gets in that thing he won't be the President-Elect anymore.

Incidentally, I had a friend growing up who's family ran his town's black funeral home. When it came time to get a new hearse, his uncle, the current manager, was shopping around, looking at different models until his grandfather, the old patriarch, stopped him and told him that he must get the Cadillac model. He said that "no matter what kind of dirt poor ditch digger a black man may have been in this world, the last time he rides through this town he will be in a Cadillac."

Here's hoping the last time Mr. Obama rides through DC, it will be in a flying jet car that he's driving himself many decades after he's completed his terms in office.
posted by Pollomacho at 5:35 AM on January 16 [10 favorites has favorites]

It's about time martinis came back to the oval office.

Apparently you haven't been watching Bush's final addresses over the last few days.
posted by Pollomacho at 5:36 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

There are rumors that the limo will be backed by a Yukon with a mini-gun.
posted by inconsequentialist at 5:36 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

There are rumors that the limo will be backed by a Yukon with a mini-gun.

Let me just confirm this rumor. One of the Obama team's offices is across the street from mine and they occasionally close the street for his motorcade to park and wait for him. There is indeed a large American made SUV with some heavy firepower in the (very large)convoy.
posted by Pollomacho at 5:50 AM on January 16

and it's carried on the backs of White House interns inside a giant bullet-proof hamster-ball.
posted by Auden at 5:51 AM on January 16

I hear it has an advanced monitoring system, too!
posted by markkraft at 5:51 AM on January 16

I don't get why it looks ugly. It's a stretched Caddy.
posted by Cyclopsis Raptor at 5:52 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm sure the car pays tolls when they take it to get washed. At that time, any driver spotting attractive members of the opposite sex is required to roll down the window and say "Hey Babyyyy!" regardless of the drivers sex and/or sexual orientation in order to keep the car's purpose secret.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:55 AM on January 16

I'm impressed that this thread is free of bad hack jokes about spinners, rims, and hoopties. Well done, Metafilter, well done.
posted by Pastabagel at 6:01 AM on January 16

There are rumors that the limo will be backed by a Yukon with a mini-gun.
posted by inconsequentialist at 8:36 AM on January 16

I can't confirm whether it's a Yukon or a Suburban, but you often see these secret service motorcades crawling through downtown DC traffic, and I can confirm that on at least the last secret service vehicle in the caravan, there is indeed a rear facing death cannon of some sort operated by precisely the kind of guy you'd think would be operating such a thing. I know this because they drive around with the rear window open.
posted by Pastabagel at 6:05 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Seriously, the blood?! I'd bet dollars to donuts that Obama has to donate his own blood to have in storage in case of emergencies (often people who are going in for major surgery donate some of their own blood before hand, it's not at all unheard of) - but IN THE CAR?

Which means they also need to have the equipment necessary to give him a transfusion. I'm going to go ahead and assume that Secret Service agents are trained to do this, but I'm still baffled by how much junk this thing has got to have in its trunk.

Does it also have snacks? What about snacks?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:08 AM on January 16

Neat, fixedgear. I didn't know FDR used Al Capone's Cadillac as his limo.
posted by hoppytoad at 6:25 AM on January 16

I'm impressed that this thread is free of bad hack jokes about spinners, rims, and hoopties. Well done, Metafilter, well done.

He's young enough to know the right car to buy
but old enough not to put rims on it.
posted by inigo2 at 6:26 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm impressed that this thread is free of bad hack jokes about spinners, rims, and hoopties. Well done, Metafilter, well done

?
posted by fixedgear at 6:32 AM on January 16

The blood isn't on board in case he needs a transfusion, but in case of a vampire attack. Just toss them a couple pints and speed away. It's brilliant, really, and shows the sort of forward-thinking, inclusive vision this administration is all about.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:32 AM on January 16

What about snack attacks?! Can the window roll down far enough to receive a fast food bag and beverage tray?

Cos man, I would hate to think of our President having to suffer through a bad case of the munchies.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:43 AM on January 16

any driver spotting attractive members of the opposite sex is required to roll down the window and say "Hey Babyyyy!"

Hence why Ted Nugent's backup plan is to become First Driver if the Drug Tzar thing falls through.
posted by mannequito at 6:47 AM on January 16

Seriously, the blood?! I'd bet dollars to donuts that Obama has to donate his own blood to have in storage in case of emergencies (often people who are going in for major surgery donate some of their own blood before hand, it's not at all unheard of) - but IN THE CAR?

It's actually a pretty funny story. Biden was hanging out at Barack's apartment, and Rahm had been over earlier cutting the skin off of pudding to make pudding skin singles with an x-acto knife. So anyway Barack accidentally smacks a wooden spoon, which launches the x-acto knife into the air, and ends up giving Barack a pretty nasty gash. Luckily, Biden had been storing his blood in his own apartment rather than at the blood bank, because he thought blood banks were a scam. So Barack got a transfusion of Biden's blood, which freaked him out because he has a blood phobia and Biden is a little weird. And Biden figures Barack owes him a favor, so Barack lends Biden his car to transfer his blood back to a blood bank. But then Barack's car overheats due to the AC being cranked up all the way, and the blood is starting to warm up, so Biden fills up the radiator with some of the blood. Later, Lloyd Bridges is helping Barack work out by having him run behind his car, and blood starts leaking everywhere and there's an accident and Barack is back in the hospital needing a transfusion. But this time it turns out to be Hillary Clinton's blood! Freeze frame, cue cheesy synth baseline.
posted by burnmp3s at 6:54 AM on January 16 [8 favorites has favorites]

It better transform into an awesome robot.
posted by I Foody at 7:01 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

There are rumors that the limo will be backed by a Yukon with a mini-gun.

Now there's a good use for an SUV. The way that the flip-up doors shield the gunner is pretty clever too.
posted by smackfu at 7:05 AM on January 16

Please tell me there are two of these things. Do we really want the most death-threatened President ever to be riding around in an easily identified car?
posted by jock@law at 7:11 AM on January 16

That car isn't ugly at all. It has clean lines and looks dignified.
posted by orange swan at 7:31 AM on January 16

That's not ugly. THIS is ugly.
posted by chugg at 7:38 AM on January 16

Wikipedia shows that identical limos are used. (See photo.) They don't mention the protocol, but I imagine that decoys are part of Secret Service routine.

(And I am so on the NSA list for just googling "presidential limo secret service." OH HAI GUYZ!)
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:51 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

In presidential convoys, they often include at least one decoy limo.
posted by thewittyname at 8:00 AM on January 16

Speaking of Pimp My Ride, I stumbled across an episode the other day where they overhauled the crappy car of a woman who had a pet snake. To ensure the snake got to come along and enjoy the new car, they built a terrarium in the back seat. To ensure the snake got the full effect, they took a fake rock from the terrarium, hollowed it out, and installed a 2" T.V. screen.

That reptile was totally pimpin'.
posted by Paid In Full at 8:04 AM on January 16

Doesn't look any uglier than most limos . Better in fact.
posted by Liquidwolf at 8:06 AM on January 16

any driver spotting attractive members of the opposite sex is required to roll down the window and say "Hey Babyyyy!"

"Excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to the medical school? I'm supposed to be giving a lecture in 20 minutes, and my driver's a bit lost."
posted by inigo2 at 8:14 AM on January 16

There are rumors that the limo will be backed by a Yukon with a mini-gun.

Holy shit but if I had that thing there would a lot of tore up motherfuckers on Flatbush ave. I TOLD YOU NOT TO DOUBLE PARK ON THE MAIN STREET LEADING IN AND OUT OF BROOKLYN WHILE YOU PICK UP CHEESECAKE AT JUNIORS ASSHOLE AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET MINI-GUNNED SOMETHING SERIOUS.
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:22 AM on January 16 [5 favorites has favorites]

"Apparently, the president-elect is getting a new limousine."

What president-elect? Flagged as US-centric.
posted by Eideteker at 8:28 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Gonna have a hell of a time getting parts when GM goes under.
posted by rusty at 8:29 AM on January 16

Sure it's ugly, but I like that New President smell.
posted by mazola at 8:36 AM on January 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Chauffeur: Trained by CIA to cope in the most demanding of driving conditions

They had him driving schoolbuses?
posted by Joe Beese at 9:02 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

inconsequentialist : There are rumors that the limo will be backed by a Yukon with a mini-gun.

And once again, the world shifts ever so much closer to existing in the GI Joe universe.
posted by quin at 9:22 AM on January 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

Please tell me there are two of these things. Do we really want the most death-threatened President ever to be riding around in an easily identified car?

That's why there's also a decoy, backup White House.
posted by kcds at 9:52 AM on January 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Fuel Consumption: About 8 miles to the gallon

what
posted by rmless at 10:22 AM on January 16

Anything more than a couple of miles and he rides in this or this.
posted by Pollomacho at 10:44 AM on January 16

bjrn writes "It's a Cadillac. It's made by the people who came up with the Escalade; surely no one was expecting anything remotely good looking from those people?"

How the mighty have fallen.

I dunno. How can you judge a limo by its looks? All the modern limos look like stretched modern cars, and most of those don't have a lot of style. The Hummer limos are particularly ugly to me, not just because of the Hummer part necessarily, but because they're so boxy and weird looking.
posted by krinklyfig at 11:00 AM on January 16

What good are the pump action shotguns if the windows don't open? Every self-respecting armored vehicle has firing ports, come on.

Well, it would certainly make it easier for the Secret Service to assassinate the president in the event of a coup. I don't understand why they don't give him the pump-action shotgun.

Fuel Consumption: About 8 miles to the gallon
what

To be fair, the doors weigh as much as airplane cabin doors. You have any idea how heavy those suckers are?
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 11:01 AM on January 16

grapefruitmoon writes "(And I am so on the NSA list for just googling 'presidential limo secret service.' OH HAI GUYZ!)"

We're so used to thinking this way. We're living in a police state.
posted by krinklyfig at 11:02 AM on January 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Fuel Consumption: About 8 miles to the gallon
what

To be fair, the doors weigh as much as airplane cabin doors. You have any idea how heavy those suckers are?

Yes, they don't say how much it weighs, but any bulletproof car is going to be incredibly heavy. The only way to stop armour-piercing bullets and shrapnel is to use thicker armour, which means loading up the car with a lot of strong, heavy metal. This car is even designed to withstand a bomb blast from directly under it, which is not exactly a standard feature even in the bulletproof car world. If you're worried about those kinds of things, your MPG is probably not a big concern.
posted by burnmp3s at 11:10 AM on January 16

There are rumors that the limo will be backed by a Yukon with a mini-gun.

Pacifist.

See, the popemobile has it built right in so that God's hand can be on the trigger.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 11:11 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

If you're worried about those kinds of things, your MPG is probably not a big concern.

What about your RPG?
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 11:13 AM on January 16

I don't see it as particularly ugly; why was that such a feature of the post?
posted by Doohickie at 11:26 AM on January 16

What about your RPG?

In mine I play a half elf who was afflicted with lycanthropy. I don't get much benefit in magic use, but my saving throws are bitching.

Wait, what were we talking about?
posted by quin at 11:49 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

RPG = rocket propelled grenade... or at least I think that may be what Durn was referring to, a bit oblique to MPG, but germane to bomb-under-car.
posted by edgeways at 11:56 AM on January 16

I was punning on rocket-propelled grenade, but now I'm all about whether the Beast is lycanthrope-proof. Given the name, I'm thinking it's probably not safe to mess with under a full moon, itself.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 12:23 PM on January 16

Another question: What if the President has to make a pit-stop? What's the protocol for him getting a bathroom break? Does he pee in a bulletproof jar?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:43 PM on January 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

Given the title I was expecting a much uglier car. This just looks like a slightly heavy chunky limo. Sure, it's not an exceptionally attractive car, but I don't really expect the Bulletproof Obamobile to look like anything other than a generic official car.

(For "ugly", I think of some of the things I see around town sometimes, limos made out of stretched Hummers or random Ford SUVs. Those are ugly.)
posted by hattifattener at 1:46 PM on January 16

I don't see it as particularly ugly; why was that such a feature of the post?

Boycarzone
posted by inigo2 at 2:49 PM on January 16

That's not ugly.
posted by limeonaire at 4:45 PM on January 16

vehicular aesthetics are most subjective. to foreign eyes, it lacks style; it is merely safe
posted by chuckdarwin at 5:43 PM on January 16

It's a Cadillac. It's made by the people who came up with the Escalade; surely no one was expecting anything remotely good looking from those people?

They've always got the WTF.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 8:06 PM on January 16

WTF indeed.
posted by mazola at 8:39 PM on January 16