100 Things I'm Ready To Take Credit For
January 19, 2009 2:28 PM   Subscribe

Ensuring that at least someone gets his legacy right, Ex-President Bush has on his final day in office commissioned a series of Official Legacy Booklets with such unlikely titles as 100 Things Americans May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record. These weighty tomes inform us, for example, that "the Afghan economy has doubled since 2001"-- an accomplishment perhaps assisted by the arrival of American forces spending some $3 billion per month there.

Other things taken credit for:

1. Stopping a 2006 plot to destroy multiple airplanes... in Britain.
2. Overseeing the largest increase in defense spending since the Truman Administration.
3. Lowering taxes in a time of war.
4. "Focusing attention" on Burma, Belarus, and Zimbabwe, all of which deteriorated during his administration.
5. Funding an aborted coup in Venezuela (described in the pamphlet as "bolster[ing] civil society activists").
6. Cutting aid to any international charity that funds abortions among its other work.
7. Doing... something... for veterans?
8. The Do Not Call List.

Personally, I prefer this alternative list of accomplishments:
Personally assigned pet nicknames to 145 Administration staffers and Cabinet members and 82 individual members of the White House press corps.
Adieu, big fella.
posted by shii (64 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

 
hee hee!
posted by leotrotsky at 2:31 PM on January 19, 2009


Someone needs to get the guy a 100 Things George Bush May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record. Or maybe that would just be cruel.
posted by Artw at 2:33 PM on January 19, 2009 [5 favorites]


GAME OVER.
posted by Effigy2000 at 2:34 PM on January 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


The 2006 plot would be the liquids thing, yes?
posted by Artw at 2:34 PM on January 19, 2009


the Afghan economy has doubled since 2001

Black tar heroin is also known in macroeconomic circles as the "Afghan Miracle".
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:34 PM on January 19, 2009 [6 favorites]


More Things Americans May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:51 PM on January 19, 2009 [12 favorites]


If you have to start shilling your "legacy" before you are even gone, I feel this is a sure fire sign of uber-failure.
posted by MrLint at 3:01 PM on January 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Is this standard procedure for any departing President? 100 Things You May Not Know? What the fuck? Is this absolute cartoon of a leader now passing off the highest office in the land like most people read about Gingivitis at the DENTIST?

100 Things You May Not Know About George W. Bush and Tooth Decay
100 Things You May Not Know About George W. Bush and OsteopOrosis
100 Things You May Not Know About George W. Bush and 100 Things You May Not Know about Teaching Your Children About Sex

JUST GET THE HELL OUT ALREADY!
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 3:02 PM on January 19, 2009


Looks like the expected pardons aren't happening... I wonder if that's a gutsy bet on nothing from his term being investigated or if in his opinion the people that worked for him can just go fuck themselves.
posted by Artw at 3:09 PM on January 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Best of the web (of lies)!
posted by heyho at 3:10 PM on January 19, 2009


No, really. Get out.

(Plus: Could it be...Josh Brolin in a preview scene from W. II?)
posted by kittens for breakfast at 3:16 PM on January 19, 2009


Less than 18 hours.
posted by shadow vector at 3:17 PM on January 19, 2009 [3 favorites]


I love how #1 is "KEPT AMERICA SAFE" except for that small incident where they let two planes get hijacked and smacked into downtown New York City, and that other mishap when a plane got hijacked and smacked into the Pentagon, and the other hijacking where the plane ended up in a field. Besides those incidents he's had a damn near perfect record.
posted by furtive at 3:22 PM on January 19, 2009 [4 favorites]


Besides those incidents he's had a damn near perfect record.

Don't forget the Anthrax, helpfully shipped right from government labs.
posted by delmoi at 3:27 PM on January 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


Well, there's that one city he let drown, but that was God, not Terrorists.
posted by Artw at 3:28 PM on January 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


Well, there's that one city he let drown, but that was God, not Terrorists.

It was terrarists with butterflies!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:30 PM on January 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


I love how #1 is "KEPT AMERICA SAFE"

Well, we should probably give credit where credit is due. America has been a lot safer since Bush signed the order to bring Skynet online.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:31 PM on January 19, 2009


Hush
posted by bouvin at 3:33 PM on January 19, 2009


Don't forget the Anthrax.

Bush almost protected us from another Metallica album, though. He gave that the old Yalie try.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:36 PM on January 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


If only each port-a-potty on the National Mall ("the largest temporary restroom event in the history of the United States") tomorrow were installed with one of these!
posted by ericb at 3:53 PM on January 19, 2009


So this was a vanity pressidency then?
posted by Smedleyman at 3:57 PM on January 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


I wonder if that's a gutsy bet on nothing from his term being investigated or if in his opinion the people that worked for him can just go fuck themselves.

I certainly hope so, but I still expect 'em. He'd better hurry though, he's already gone to court to try to take back one of his pardons (that he issued by mistake!), if he wins that case there could be a case for Obama not to 'delver' or 'execute' the pardons. He's really cutting it down to the wire. and given his history of incompetence he's really putting his cronies at extreme risk. A risk exacerbated by his administration's epic failure at everything it tries to do.
posted by delmoi at 3:57 PM on January 19, 2009


Someone needs to get the guy a 100 Things George Bush May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record.

Yeah, but he wouldn't read it, nor would he understand it if he did. Incompetent people are blind to their own incompetence.
posted by amyms at 4:00 PM on January 19, 2009


I am not!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:02 PM on January 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


Heh, heh, heh! Denial ain't just a river in Louisiana!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:03 PM on January 19, 2009 [3 favorites]


Incompetent people are blind to their own incompetence.

Otherwise known as the Dunning-Kruger effect.
posted by benzenedream at 4:08 PM on January 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


100 Things Americans May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record

I really hope in the next year we find out many, many more than 100 "Things about the Bush Administration Record". Bush should be careful what he wishes for.
posted by benzenedream at 4:12 PM on January 19, 2009


Incompetent people are blind to their own incompetence.

Not to the untrained eye!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:15 PM on January 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


This alternative list might be more appropriate.
posted by armage at 4:20 PM on January 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


1. Stopping a 2006 plot to destroy multiple airplanes... in Britain.

That would be the liquids plot that the UK authorities wanted to hold off to gather more evidence (since they had the plotters under surveillance and didn't actually consider the plot to be a credible threat anyway), that the US jumped the gun on and forced the UK to act prematurely over, right?
posted by Nice Guy Mike at 4:23 PM on January 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


IIRC wasn't there some suspicious political timing to that?
posted by Artw at 4:34 PM on January 19, 2009


I'm pretty sure he caught a fish once.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:27 PM on January 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


I only mention it because I'm pretty sure he actually declared it the high point of his presidency shortly afterward, and I don't see it on any of these lists.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:28 PM on January 19, 2009


Of course now I think on it a bit that might be included as part of "Kept America Safe." Yes.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:29 PM on January 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Point #29 (Yes, there are actually one hundred points.)
Led the international response to the genocide in Darfur and worked to end major conflicts in Africa.

When did this happen? Have I been living in some bizarro the-American-presidency-is-a-big-joke-but-no-one-notices universe for last few years while some of these things that need to be addressed have actually been taken care of back in the real world?
posted by Avelwood at 5:34 PM on January 19, 2009


101. Got a lot of brush cleared.
posted by brundlefly at 5:40 PM on January 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


So long, fucko.
posted by tristeza at 5:50 PM on January 19, 2009


So long, Cowboy.
posted by MarvinTheCat at 5:59 PM on January 19, 2009


When did this happen? Have I been living in some bizarro the-American-presidency-is-a-big-joke-but-no-one-notices universe for last few years while some of these things that need to be addressed have actually been taken care of back in the real world?

Maybe they're referring to Colin Powell's efforts just before he got frustrated and quit?
posted by heathkit at 6:12 PM on January 19, 2009


37. Singlehandedly turned large volume of oxygen into carbon dioxide, which can be used by plants for growth and photosynthesis.
posted by PlusDistance at 6:57 PM on January 19, 2009 [4 favorites]


To steal the funniest line from the fake Ann Coulter on SNL the other night:

"Okay, Katrina was bad. But we have no way of knowing how many hurricanes President Bush has prevented since then."
posted by George_Spiggott at 7:32 PM on January 19, 2009 [5 favorites]


Really?
posted by Artw at 7:35 PM on January 19, 2009


This tutorial may be of use to some of you.
posted by CKmtl at 7:53 PM on January 19, 2009


12 hours!
posted by Goofyy at 9:00 PM on January 19, 2009


When did this happen?

Do you mean to say you missed Bush bringing peace to Somalia? For some reason they don't brag about that one so much in public.
posted by stammer at 9:13 PM on January 19, 2009


[points at Bush]

[voice of Nelson Muntz]

Ha-ha!
posted by five fresh fish at 9:21 PM on January 19, 2009


I had the misfortune of clicking a link the other day and seeing Bush give some sort of farewell speech. And I realized as I watched him that NOTHING he has been tasked to do has ever turned out a success. His entire life has been one of unmitigated disasters. And there he is, up at the podium, blaming everyone else for his failings.

What a maroon. His father must be absolutely mortified. George Jr. is a crushing disappointment.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:26 PM on January 19, 2009


A farewell salute
posted by homunculus at 9:38 PM on January 19, 2009


If you open up your copy of "100 Things Americans May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record" and #1 on the list is:

"We tortured the crap out of every prisoner we could."

Then save that copy! That's one of the 1:1,000,000,000 rare variants, the variant that contains the truth. Worth a fortune someday. A fortune, I tell ya!
posted by jamstigator at 2:08 AM on January 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


All those action-verbed bullet points remind me of a formula résumé. I gain some amusement by jumbling them: swap "Disrupted" for "Protected", that sort of thing.
posted by scruss at 5:01 AM on January 20, 2009


Achievement #1 - preventing Arab tourists coming to the US due to radical overhaul of immigration system.
posted by MuffinMan at 5:22 AM on January 20, 2009


Now watch this golf swing.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 5:33 AM on January 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


NAANA NA NA NAAANA NA NA... HEY HEY HEY Good Bye!!!! Don't let the.... in fact DO let the door hit your ass on the way out you sorry excuse of a president.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 6:06 AM on January 20, 2009


So as we get into the last half hour or so before the inauguration, I keep looking at the news waiting to see that Bush tried pushing through like a hundred pardons in the last couple of seconds.

Because it's just the kind of dick move I can see him going out on.
posted by quin at 8:27 AM on January 20, 2009


T-minus 33 minutes. Anyone hear about any pardons yet? I haven't heard anything. What's up with that?
posted by delmoi at 8:28 AM on January 20, 2009


aww, that naughty new administration turned The Bush Record into a 404.
posted by scruss at 9:11 AM on January 20, 2009 [3 favorites]


aww, that naughty new administration turned The Bush Record into a 404.

Hahah.

Also, no pardon's so far. Perhaps they got issued silently.
posted by delmoi at 9:32 AM on January 20, 2009


Mirror site here, now that the original has been 404'ed.
posted by benzenedream at 9:58 AM on January 20, 2009


The Bush Scandals List as Bush Leaves Office
posted by homunculus at 10:02 AM on January 20, 2009


"Disrupted terrorist plots and built a coalition of more than 90 nations to fight terrorism."

That includes a vanload of guys from Lichtenstein, right?

"Expanded the Border Patrol and improved border security."

Keeping us much, much safer from a Canadian Bacon-style scenario, amirite?

"Transformed the State Department and our approach to diplomacy to help spread democracy worldwide and combat the conditions that breed terrorism."

HA HA HA HA HA
posted by notashroom at 1:26 PM on January 20, 2009


Now I have thought on it even a bit more, I believe catching a fish may be the entirety of what is meant by "Kept America Safe".
posted by Wolfdog at 5:39 PM on January 20, 2009


In Final Legal Act, Bush Appeals Spy Ruling
posted by homunculus at 9:42 PM on January 20, 2009


Russell Tice Confirms Everything We’ve Surmised About Bush’s Illegal Wiretap Program
posted by homunculus at 10:46 AM on January 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


Praise Bush! via
posted by phoque at 7:28 PM on January 29, 2009


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