Not Safe For Kids

January 25, 2009 3:20 PM

The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson Show is easily the most terrifying "children's show" ever broadcast.

David Nkrumah Liebe Unger Hart is pretty mysterious.

posted by chuckdarwin (42 comments total)

They promised me a hooker!
posted by waraw at 3:28 PM on January 25 [1 favorite]

see also Tim and Eric
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 3:33 PM on January 25 [2 favorites]

I linked to the 'terrifying video' on my first FPP. It hasn't got any less scary in the 3 and half years since.
posted by ClanvidHorse at 3:37 PM on January 25

No, Apaches is the most terrifying thing every broadcast to children. I, and many others, still bear the scars.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 3:37 PM on January 25 [6 favorites]

I don't know, I kind of liked the "terrifying" song, even though it did drag on a bit and had no chorus.

Kind of cool to see aliens - and a gray no less! - being used by public access television Christians. A perfect use of the medium.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:53 PM on January 25

Oh this was nice:

Also, if you are looking for David Nkrumah Liebe Unger Hart, David Liebe Unger Hart, David Liebe Hart, David Unger Hart, or just plain David Hart, you have come to the right place.

If you need his services, David is a church musician, sign painter, artist, puppeteer and actor.

He is also looking to meet young, attractive, single women. If interested and you meet these qualifications, please call him at 213-381-0791 (serious calls only).

posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:55 PM on January 25 [6 favorites]

NSFW!
not. safe. for. weed. just sayin'.
posted by joe lisboa at 4:25 PM on January 25 [2 favorites]

I saw this on Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe special on children's TV. Damn right it's terrifying.
posted by tiny crocodile at 4:26 PM on January 25

Great job!
posted by photoslob at 4:28 PM on January 25 [4 favorites]

I thought it was gonna be the guy in the birdcage chair.
posted by Monstrous Moonshine at 4:31 PM on January 25 [1 favorite]

btw, this guy performs @ the walkway to the Hollywood Bowl. Like, every time I've been there, just below the ticket booths. His schtick is alright. But less of a talent and more of a warning not to talk to the guy. Less annoying than the prosthelytizers with megaphones, fer sure.
posted by Monstrous Moonshine at 4:49 PM on January 25

A kid's show I had forgotten about until recently is a top contender for Most Disturbing Kid's Show: The Gigglesnort Hotel.
posted by zardoz at 4:51 PM on January 25 [1 favorite]

I think it's scary if you're a sinner.
posted by Faze at 4:57 PM on January 25 [3 favorites]

Today I have gazed into the abyss, and the abyss gazed also into me...
posted by cthuljew at 5:17 PM on January 25

No, Apaches is the most terrifying thing every broadcast to children.

"Apaches" should be called "Darwin."
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 5:23 PM on January 25

This is so outside my frame of reference I can say this is the first video I truly did not understand in any way at all. WTF.
posted by kozad at 5:24 PM on January 25

This guy have enough energy that he should really be putting it toward more profitable endeavors.

Also, loved the part where the woman starts speaking German out of the blue.
posted by wastelands at 5:37 PM on January 25 [1 favorite]

I think I may have seen a portion of one of these at a videofest organized by Irwin Chusid years ago...yeah, just plain weird.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:39 PM on January 25

Wow. I'm surprised that any kid that saw Apaches would ever leave their room afterwards. That was...wow...
posted by mr.grum at 6:03 PM on January 25

This guy have enough energy that he should really be putting it toward more profitable endeavors.

ChristWow!

All I can say is Christ, Wow!

Anyone actually used one of those ShamWows? I'm actually considering buying one. Thanks, wastelands!
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 6:10 PM on January 25

Anyone actually used one of those ShamWows? I'm actually considering buying one.

I got my sister a batch for Christmas, and she let us keep one. I haven't used it yet because I want the first time to be special. I'm a sad man.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 6:16 PM on January 25

This is exactly like the pretend "TV shows" that little kids make up as a game, complete with wacky songs with make-'em-up-as-you-go lyrics. The only difference is it's being done by an insane adult, and there's lots of Video Toaster wipes and creepy ventriloquist dummies. Also, since when do Christians believe in aliens? I think this guy is a devotee of the brand of religion usually limited to schizophrenic vagrants.
posted by DecemberBoy at 6:22 PM on January 25

Is a "ShamWow!" anything other than chamois?
posted by Flunkie at 6:26 PM on January 25

I used a ShamWow to wipe up some water last month. It did indeed do a serviceable job of wiping up the water. I don't really know where the wow part comes in.
posted by joannemerriam at 6:33 PM on January 25

I use old worn-out underwear to wipe up spills and polish my chrome.

Yes ... I'm single. Why do you ask?
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 6:46 PM on January 25

Also, since when do Christians believe in aliens?

"Christians" are not a monolithic block. For any given thing that's explicitly stated in the Bible, you'll find Christians who disbelieve it until it's pointed out to them that it's in the Bible, Christians who disbelieve it even after it's pointed out to them that it's in the Bible, Christians who have essentially no opinion on it, Christians who think it's allegorical, Christians who interpret it in ways that certain other Christians would find reprehensible, Christians who believe it, and Christians who think it's fundamental to Christianity.

And again, that's for stuff that's explicitly in the Bible. It shouldn't come as a surprise that different Christians have different opinions on something that the Bible doesn't explicitly mention at all^*.

*: And this even ignores the fact that there are Christians who think there are aliens in the Bible.
posted by Flunkie at 6:53 PM on January 25 [8 favorites]

"Christians" are not a monolithic block.

The point is that this guy seems more crazy than Christian, not that belief in aliens is indicative of craziness, although having a public access TV show where an alien puppet sings about how God loves the aliens pretty much is. Like, I think he's of the same denomination of the guy who used to try to sell me and my friends used batteries and a rubber duck in the park, and intently carved "WWW.ARTBELL.COM" into the table, when we were smoking pot there during high school lunch break.
posted by DecemberBoy at 7:18 PM on January 25

Good catch, Flunkie. Never-mind which version of the "Bible" they adhere to.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

Emo Philips
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 7:20 PM on January 25 [2 favorites]

That German woman in the second video is certainly jarring.
posted by delmoi at 7:27 PM on January 25

Anyone actually used one of those ShamWows? I'm actually considering buying one.

I bought a ShamWow! at the Sears in downtown Oakland. I've only used it once, when my husband dragged out the Christmas tree for disposal -- it seemed better than a paper towel, but I'm reserving judgment until I use it/them a few more times.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 7:56 PM on January 25

Scary stuff for kids? I nominate "One Got Fat." which I learned about from this fan-made Boards of Canada video.
posted by Bookhouse at 8:09 PM on January 25 [2 favorites]

The point is that this guy seems more crazy than Christian

Then perhaps you should have asked something other than "since when do Christians believe in aliens?"
posted by Flunkie at 8:11 PM on January 25

I couldn't actually finish watching any of these videos
posted by mmmleaf at 10:39 PM on January 25

WTF was up with APACHES?? They showed that to kids in school?
posted by AzzaMcKazza at 10:53 PM on January 25

No, Apaches is the most terrifying thing every broadcast to children.

Wow. Probably a good thing I never saw that, given the amount of time I spent as a child amusing myself on the farm.

The grain is not a slide! The grain is not a slide! Wheeeeee!
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 11:44 PM on January 25

Would Apaches have been shown to elementary school children in Belfast in 1990?
posted by ryanrs at 1:32 AM on January 26

Poor guy.
posted by JHarris at 1:32 AM on January 26

[Big thanks to whichever overworked, stressed-out admin sorted my code... probably vacapinta]
posted by chuckdarwin at 1:47 AM on January 26

Great production values.

The one guy doesn't even wait til the end of the show to ask for a ride home, because he "doesn't have a bus pass."
posted by mannequito at 4:41 AM on January 26

Would Apaches have been shown to elementary school children in Belfast in 1990?

I saw it in primary school in ~1980. I'd be very surprised if it was still being shown a decade later. But who knows?
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 6:23 AM on January 26

Mum And Dad Are Getting Ready For The Party... FPP I did on Apaches and other disturbing Public Information Films
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:06 AM on January 26

Re: Apaches, I just sat through the whole thing. Woof.

If you're the morbid sort and just want to see the kids bite it,

Part 1: 5:00
Part 2: 1:08, 7:58
Part 3: 2:56, 6:02

and now I'm off to hell. Peace.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 8:50 AM on January 26