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It declares YOUR individuality.
January 26, 2009 7:27 PM   Subscribe

The perfect grooming tool. SLYT.
posted by emjaybee (54 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

 
Huh, those guys almost have beards. Perhaps they should let them grow out for more than two days before they start trimming them.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 7:31 PM on January 26, 2009


I'm not shaving my goatse.
posted by gman at 7:32 PM on January 26, 2009 [5 favorites]


See, that's why I wear my facial hair in a soul patch.
posted by NiteMayr at 7:32 PM on January 26, 2009


Pepsi Fu manchu.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 7:33 PM on January 26, 2009


goat on! apply directly to the goatee!
goat on! apply directly to the goatee!
goat on! apply directly to the goatee!
posted by fleetmouse at 7:33 PM on January 26, 2009 [2 favorites]


I applaud this post in the most hysterical manner possible.
posted by fungible at 7:34 PM on January 26, 2009


emjaybee - I applaud anyone who loses their virginity with a bang.
posted by gman at 7:38 PM on January 26, 2009


An advancement in the field of idiotic men's shaving related gadgetry to be sure. Brings to mind Razor Gator.
posted by fontophilic at 7:38 PM on January 26, 2009


That's not a goatee. It's a Van Dyke.

GOD DAMN IT
posted by selfnoise at 7:39 PM on January 26, 2009 [7 favorites]


Skank not included.
posted by peep at 7:42 PM on January 26, 2009 [4 favorites]


I saw this at Walmart today on the shelf right next to the Mullet Minder.
posted by facetious at 7:46 PM on January 26, 2009 [1 favorite]


Heh... Maybe I'm imagining it, but *right* before she exits camera left after saying "fantastic look" at 0:59, it looks like the trophy girlfriend does some kind of weird mouth expression, as if to say, "did I really just say that with a straight face?"
posted by the other side at 7:55 PM on January 26, 2009 [3 favorites]


After watching that video, I will never have a goatee again.
posted by jclovebrew at 7:59 PM on January 26, 2009 [1 favorite]


Previously.
posted by Balisong at 8:06 PM on January 26, 2009


Are the 90's back?
posted by cazoo at 8:11 PM on January 26, 2009


I like Mad Dog's test of the device in the related links.
posted by Araucaria at 8:12 PM on January 26, 2009


This is way better than the competing product, the Insta-Doucheface 9000.
posted by rokusan at 8:26 PM on January 26, 2009 [7 favorites]


I'm a fucking pirate!
posted by nola at 8:31 PM on January 26, 2009


Pfizer Corp. has announced that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
posted by netbros at 8:38 PM on January 26, 2009


I've spent years looking for the opposite of this product: the Lemmy template. I'm beginning to think the guy just has groupies pull out the hairs one by one.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:53 PM on January 26, 2009


But can I use it on my junk?
posted by bardic at 8:58 PM on January 26, 2009


buttgasket
posted by pianomover at 9:05 PM on January 26, 2009 [1 favorite]


we call it the 'dick target'.
posted by spish at 9:07 PM on January 26, 2009 [2 favorites]


No goatees were harmed during the making of this YouTube video.
posted by terranova at 9:11 PM on January 26, 2009


the other side: good catch, she does a little grimace with the teeth.
posted by leotrotsky at 9:17 PM on January 26, 2009


I thought it said 'goatse shaver' and was not impressed, but then I saw it correctly and I wasn't impressed, but then I realized that wasn't a very big difference, and I wasn't impressed.
posted by sfts2 at 10:26 PM on January 26, 2009


Next: The Fu Fashioner.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:39 PM on January 26, 2009



MagnusUltracock (2 hours ago)
I want thIS HANNIBAL LECTER MASK SHAVING DEVICE, except I need it to stay on all day.

I also want it to fire poison darts at my enemies.



I would buy one of those, Mr./ Ms. MagnusUltracock.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:41 PM on January 26, 2009


Now if only they'd make a Neckbeard Saver...
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:44 PM on January 26, 2009 [1 favorite]


I think this thing qualifies as art: "Chindōgu...is the Japanese art of inventing ingenious everyday gadgets that, on the face of it, seem like an ideal solution to a particular problem. However, Chindōgu has a distinctive feature: anyone actually attempting to use one of these inventions, would find that it causes so many new problems, or such significant social embarrassment, that effectively it has no utility whatsoever." (previously) (Also, no puns intended.)
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 11:42 PM on January 26, 2009 [2 favorites]


A perfect complement to the MANGROOMER.
posted by benzenedream at 12:11 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


buttgasket

You're confusing this with the goatse saver. Same manufacturer, but a completely different use.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:40 AM on January 27, 2009


Oh god, it seems to be for real. You can buy them in some store in Arkansas.
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:49 AM on January 27, 2009


That doesn't look like it would make grooming appreciably easier. What they really need to do is package that thing, something that will also cover your eyelids & eyebrows, and a big old butane torch.
posted by aubilenon at 1:51 AM on January 27, 2009


What. The. Fuck.
posted by zardoz at 2:15 AM on January 27, 2009


It makes no sense, though ... I mean, doesn't this just prevent one from shaving the armor-encased area? How would one then trim their goate to a shorter length, or will it just grow forever like the facial hair of some heavy metal bandmember?
posted by bclark at 2:42 AM on January 27, 2009


All your grooming needs in one shiny, silver roll.
posted by Smart Dalek at 3:34 AM on January 27, 2009


The GoateeSaver website has some pretty good reviews....

"When I first got my GoateeSaver, I wasn't sure it would be wide enough for my goatee."

Yikes.
posted by orme at 3:55 AM on January 27, 2009


Was it just me, or did all the men in that commercial seem to have goatees that were wider on one side than the other? Especially the guy with the trophy skank?
posted by jacquilynne at 5:47 AM on January 27, 2009


"...would find that it causes so many new problems, or such significant social embarrassment, that effectively it has no utility whatsoever."

Wait, the solar-powered lighter is awesome!
posted by odinsdream at 6:55 AM on January 27, 2009


I always thought that kind of van dyke looked like the guy just pulled his face out of a pile of shit. But then, I really dislike (understatement) facial hair.
posted by Goofyy at 7:16 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Actually, my beard helps protect my face from piles of shit.
posted by orme at 9:04 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Some douchebag MLB relief pitcher somewhere is going to endorse this, I just know it.
posted by schoolgirl report at 9:20 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


"NEW GOATEESAVER! ORDER NOW AND IT COMES COMPLETE WITH A HOT CHICK!"


I love the model's expression at the beginning; like she's stealing herself up to actually touch the guy. What do you wanna bet she obsessively washed her hands afterwards?
posted by happyroach at 9:38 AM on January 27, 2009


It seems to be for real. You can buy them in some store in Arkansas.

[ COMPLETELY OBVIOUS RACIST/REGIONALIST SNARK DELETED BY ADMINS ]
posted by rokusan at 9:52 AM on January 27, 2009


This is the second time I remember goatees and related styles being completely ridiculed and lambasted on the blue.

Is there something wrong with goatees/Van Dykes that I'm not aware of? Is it all facial hair? Because "pornstaches" and "neckbeards" all seem to get the glare of disdain as well.

While this particular product may indeed be silly, to those of you who are so annoyed by it, is there any proper way to wear facial hair? Or is it all anathema?

I'm currently sporting a smaller modified Balbo since I accidentally cut the connectors on my Van Dyke. Does such a large percentage of people really think I'm somehow deficient because of this choice?

I'm actually quite serious in asking this.
posted by Ynoxas at 10:43 AM on January 27, 2009


A percentage of people will think you're deficient no matter what you do with your facial hair. The goatee/van dyke seems to get a lot of hate because it was too popular for a while. Shrug.

(I've had a van dyke for a dozen years; currently experimenting with a full beard but I'm not sure it's an improvement. But I need some kind of beard. I need it. Because I HAVE NO GODDAMN CHIN WHATSOEVER)
posted by ook at 11:18 AM on January 27, 2009


Is there something wrong with goatees/Van Dykes that I'm not aware of?

The video answers this question in the first two sentences. "It reflects your personality. It declares your individuality." A not statistically-insignificant number of goatee wearers seem to be under the mistaken impression that this is somehow true. And for that, they get mocked.
posted by jacquilynne at 11:27 AM on January 27, 2009


The manliest of men sport ungroomed, untrimmed full beards like mine. If I am feeling whimsical, it can be styled into a Ducktail or French Fork with minimal labor. All other styles of facial hair are naught but admissions of failure and insufficient follicles.

Back to the GoateeSaver itself, I quote the FAQ:

How do I adjust the GoateeSaver guides?

You will notice an arrow on the middle guide that shows the direction the nuts.


I think that just about says it all, really.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:26 PM on January 27, 2009


I don't understand this thing at all. What are the little roller things for?
posted by sevenyearlurk at 1:35 PM on January 27, 2009


When I was climbing trees for a living, I had to shave my head because it was just too messy with all the leaves and crap I'd get in my hair. After I shaved my head, it looked weird without any hair. My wife had told me she hated facial hair, but I grew a van dyke out anyway.

That was fifteen years ago, now she won't let me shave it off.
posted by Xoebe at 2:27 PM on January 27, 2009


Faint of Butt: All other styles of facial hair are naught but admissions of failure and insufficient follicles.

But I can't help it, it's GENETIC!
posted by Barry B. Palindromer at 2:27 PM on January 27, 2009


is it all anathema?

Yes. Go shave.
posted by everichon at 3:11 PM on January 27, 2009


Where would the mouthpiece go if I used it on my junk?
posted by hal_c_on at 3:22 PM on January 27, 2009


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