"I knew that the cello comes nowhere near one’s scrotum.”

January 27, 2009 11:40 PM

'Cello scrotum' is a hoax. So was 'guitar nipple'. Baroness Elaine Murphy, a physician, member of the House of Lords and contributor to the Lords of the Blog blog, fesses up after 34 years. But other instrumental infirmities appear to be real, as catalogued in the recent paper titled A symphony of maladies.
posted by grounded (43 comments total)

Tell that to my scrotum.
posted by potch at 12:41 AM on January 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

Perhaps, but tambourine scrotum is very real.
posted by Curry at 12:45 AM on January 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

Well, fiddler's neck is real, though mine disappeared as soon as I was old enough to grow a full beard.
posted by Schlimmbesserung at 12:48 AM on January 28

(Oh, and we always called it a "viola hickey.")
posted by Schlimmbesserung at 12:50 AM on January 28

Seriously, Oliver Sacks' Musicophilia has a chapter about dystonia, or chronic involuntary muscle contractions brought about by repeated movements. It's a career-ender for many pianists and violinists.

Not as exciting as guitar nipple, but still worth mentioning.
posted by micketymoc at 1:27 AM on January 28

I am, etc.
posted by slater at 1:29 AM on January 28

Theremin vas deferens.
posted by autodidact at 1:31 AM on January 28 [3 favorites has favorites]

Next you'll be telling me Shatner's bassoon is made up.
posted by Abiezer at 1:36 AM on January 28 [7 favorites has favorites]

This cello, it vibrates?
posted by nthdegx at 2:06 AM on January 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

Man, playing the cello does hurt. I was encouraged to switch to it after my fingers became too clumsy for the violin. I gave it up for the guitar, where the bumps, bruises, cuts and scratches can be worn as badges of honour. Especially when you hit the asshole lead singer with it.
posted by Jimbob at 2:28 AM on January 28 [2 favorites has favorites]

Drum shoulder is real. I just had cortisone injections the size of Red Bull cans in both rotator cuffs.
posted by basilwhite at 2:42 AM on January 28

Lead Singer Asshole, that's a new one. I've always stayed away from wind instruments for fear of flute rash.
posted by Elmore at 2:47 AM on January 28 [4 favorites has favorites]

"Van Halen solo vocal track," however, is still very much real.
posted by zippy at 2:49 AM on January 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

Elmore, are you referring to Lou Reed Syndrome?
posted by zippy at 2:53 AM on January 28

"Van Halen solo vocal track," however, is still very much real.

I believe you're thinking of Han Solo Guitar Tracks.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:23 AM on January 28

Cake is a made up drug. It's made up of many different compounds.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 4:32 AM on January 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

I was disappointed in the article's discussion of cures for flautist’s chin and related conditions:

Both conditions may be alleviated by beard growth, although we have yet to discover a solution for women.

These physicians, limiting themselves by arbitrary conceptual boxes! Clearly all women flautists need beards! The medical establishment should get on that tout de suite!
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:50 AM on January 28 [2 favorites has favorites]

As a former cellist, let me suggest the medical community focus on cello *ass.*

You try sitting in a chair practicing for 8 hours a day, dammit.
posted by fourcheesemac at 4:54 AM on January 28 [2 favorites has favorites]

'Cello scrotum' is a hoax. --- Baroness Elaine Murphy, a physician, member of the House of Lords and contributor to the Lords of the Blog blog, fesses up after 34 years.

Yeah, but blogger's butt is a real P.I.T.A., as she will soon find out.
posted by Termite at 5:24 AM on January 28

Come, they told me ear drum drum was also fake.
posted by DU at 5:31 AM on January 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

"[The cello scrotum debunker] enclosed a photograph of himself, fully dressed, playing the cello, to prove the point."

Heh.
posted by Toecutter at 5:36 AM on January 28

"given the angle of the cello, you would have to have pretty enormous bollocks"
posted by mr vino at 5:50 AM on January 28

Guitar nipple is NOT a hoax! Sometimes I play solos so furiously, my nipples bleed!
Someone once suggested I try using a pick with my hand, but that's just how I learned to play.
posted by orme at 5:50 AM on January 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

Achy Breaky Pelvis, Lumber Lung, and Juggler's Despair
posted by sourwookie at 6:03 AM on January 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

What, no guitar face?
posted by MrMoonPie at 6:23 AM on January 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

Misty butt is real. Any drummer knows that.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 6:26 AM on January 28

(PDF)
posted by hermitosis at 6:44 AM on January 28

Skin flautist's gag is certainly real enough.

Lead Singer Asshole
As seen in Pink Flamingos
posted by TedW at 6:57 AM on January 28

Yeah, but blogger's butt is a real P.I.T.A., as she will soon find out.

Blah blah "pocket that can be stuffed with delicious fillings" blah blah.

Also, one of the first-recognized disfigurements among musicians was Keyboardist's Mullet, diagnosed as early as the 18th Century. While often similar in appearance, the affliction known as Bassist Perm is not caused by playing the instrument; rather, it is simply a manifestation of the same unfortunate personality disorder that causes a person to irrationally choose the bass guitar as their primary instrument.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:41 AM on January 28

I could have told the world, if I'd known about it, that cello scrotum was bogus, as I'd never had a problem with it in four years of playing the instrument in high school. Then again, given that I spent most of that time hopelessly crushing on an incredibly cute girl in my section, it might have been that my boner was holding the instrument away from the boys.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:42 AM on January 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

Double bass shoulder is real: not from playing but from carrying. Lovely instrument, wonderful to play, hell to schlep.
posted by Pallas Athena at 8:02 AM on January 28

hell to schlep

Please do shut up. I spent my teenage years lugging a full drum kit.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:30 AM on January 28

Perhaps 'Cello scrotum' is impossible for mortal men, but Honoré de Balzac only turned to writing after a tragic performance of Vivaldi's Cello concerto in C minor, RV 401 rendered him incapable of 'handling his bow,' IYKWIM.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:36 AM on January 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

These physicians, limiting themselves by arbitrary conceptual boxes! Clearly all women flautists need beards! The medical establishment should get on that tout de suite!

Or, in the case of flautists, TOOT de suite.

And I agree, beard growth should be an available remedy to all flautists. End gender constraints! BEARDS FOR ALL!

[NOT FLAUTIST. EXCEPT THAT I AM. SORT OF.]

D'oh.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:38 AM on January 28

From the BBC's coverage:

"Scrotal flak

A spokesman for the BMJ said that, 34 years on, no-one faced the sack for failing to spot the implausible condition."

Also, ew. Worst weapon ever.
posted by lucidium at 10:08 AM on January 28

Please do shut up. I spent my teenage years lugging a full drum kit.

You think you had it hard?
posted by zippy at 10:20 AM on January 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

Cake is a made up drug. It's made up of many different compounds.

The cake is a lie.
posted by tommasz at 11:04 AM on January 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

Guitar nipple as a journal-reported medical malady might be a hoax, but the anecdotally reported syndrome from leaning into the edge of an acoustic guitar's box is real.

(I'm male BTW)

I had it: a benign hardening of tissue under the right nipple (I'm right handed) that started just a few months after I switched from electric to acoustic. *After* I'd had it surgically removed (by a worried & G.N.-uninformed Dr.), I happened to mention it to my dad, an acoustic player & friend of many others, who said "oh yeah, that's jsut guitar nipple." The tissue removed was about the diameter of & twice the thickness of a Kennedy half dollar.

If I hadn't had my first taste of valium & demerol for the surgery, I might have been mad.

There are beards for women Someone should let the crafter know about the market among female flautists.
posted by morganw at 1:43 PM on January 28

@ morganw
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:59 PM on January 28

Uhm, so, how many/what other fake diseases make it into the BMJ, then, I wonder?
posted by NikitaNikita at 10:24 PM on January 28

this woman single-handedly blasted all of friggin' Monty Python as the funniest brain to have been produced by United Kingdom.
posted by liza at 11:33 PM on January 28

How did I wind up getting guitar scrotum?
posted by mazola at 10:40 AM on January 29

mazola, do you, as I suspect, rock out with your cock out? That'll do it every time.
posted by MrMoonPie at 12:21 PM on January 29