From E-Meters to Towels

January 28, 2009 1:47 PM

Vince Offer, better known as the ShamWow guy or the SlapChop guy, isn't just a salesman. He's also a filmmaker, and he's battling the Church of Scientology.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing (118 comments total)

Stop having a boring life! You're going to love my nuts! &c.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 1:54 PM on January 28, 2009 [3 favorites]

The Germans always make good stuff.
posted by fixedgear at 1:57 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

Wiki
posted by Science! at 1:58 PM on January 28, 2009

He was happy to use COS when they liked him but not so happy when they fucked him over. This doesn't really seem like a tragedy, more like he should have done his homework before letting the COS run/ruin his life (and business).
posted by doctor_negative at 2:00 PM on January 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

DO NOT USE SLAPCHOP WHEN MAKING PLO CHOPS.
posted by Science! at 2:00 PM on January 28, 2009 [9 favorites]

This is like when the Yankees play the Red Sox– you kinda wish they both could lose.

I mean, on the one hand, it was a really lousy movie that probably wouldn't have been made if not for the intercession of the CoS; on the other hand, the CoS clearly defamed his character; but on the third hand, CoS is not the first religious cult to get a little worked up over a film. Finally, the fourth hand - is any of this illegal? Is it illegal to tell your fellow cult members that a certain film-maker is bad and should feel bad? Did the CoS go beyond that? I don't know, and the story doesn't really make it completely clear.

Also, it seems like Vince has sued a lot of people over his movie.
posted by Mister_A at 2:02 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

I love Vince, the same way I love aerosol cheese.
posted by LunaticFringe at 2:02 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

COS PLAY IS SHAM! WOW!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:03 PM on January 28, 2009 [6 favorites]

Vince appears to have applied all the pragmatic, Machiavellian, making-underlings-bow-to-your-will parts of Scientology, while rejecting the other parts such as the thetans which are just midichlorians turned emo [source]
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:03 PM on January 28, 2009 [9 favorites]

Is Slash a scientologist?
posted by Mister_A at 2:03 PM on January 28, 2009

Love that guy. Slate write up.
posted by sailormouth at 2:03 PM on January 28, 2009

Is Slash a scientologist?

I never heard that. But Axl Rose has driven people to worse.
posted by Joe Beese at 2:08 PM on January 28, 2009

He was happy to use COS when they liked him but not so happy when they fucked him over. This doesn't really seem like a tragedy, more like he should have done his homework before letting the COS run/ruin his life (and business).

By that logic we should never have sympathy for any cult victim ever, because they're obviously all just dumb marks for getting sucked in in the first place. Not everyone is so information-savvy. I'd bet money that most people have still never heard of the Xenu story, the RPF, "Fair Game", or any of the other aspects of how evil Scientology really is despite the information being widely available, and just think it's a somewhat wacky form of psychotherapy that several Hollywood celebrities are involved in. I know just from talking about the Jett Travolta tragedy with people that that's how many people I know looked at it, until I told them some of the aforementioned stuff.

Plus, the ShamWow guy is awesome. Some of the Anonymous kiddies on Why We Protest, those that haven't decided that doing anything worthwhile with your life is totally "gay" and for "moralfags" and in between making juvenile misogynistic jokes about Tory Christman (sorry, I mostly hate those little shits), were talking about doing a massive group buy of ShamWows to support him.
posted by DecemberBoy at 2:08 PM on January 28, 2009 [8 favorites]

0 0 ]
~
posted by Nick Verstayne at 2:10 PM on January 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

I agree that Scientology is an organized fraud operation and its victims should be somewhat sympathized with and not pilloried. for great justice
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:19 PM on January 28, 2009

WHY DOES HE WEAR A HEADSET IN A TV COMMERCIAL???!1?

If he answers me that, I will buy one of his products.
posted by RakDaddy at 2:20 PM on January 28, 2009 [3 favorites]

From sailormouth's Slate link:

Vince also conveys a street-smart persona—with his headset microphone, rat-a-tat phrasing and fuhgeddaboutit confidence—that's intended to get the viewer thinking, "Hey, this guy's sharp. He knows a good deal." (It may also get us thinking, "Hey, this guy's a douche. He needs a better haircut." But that's a secondary issue.)

I think I love Seth Stevenson as much as I despise Vince and his Shamwows.
posted by RakDaddy at 2:22 PM on January 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

Well there's the rub, Manitoba. Is he a victim? Or an opportunist and serial lawsuit-making-guy (suer?). Or both? I mean he sued everybody involved with the movie, and some who weren't involved. He appears to blame the movie's failure on many factors extraneous to its execrable quality. This is a movie that got 0 stars in a review...
posted by Mister_A at 2:27 PM on January 28, 2009

Man will never be free until the last Scientologist is strangled with the entrails of the last infomercial spokesdude.
posted by Atom Eyes at 2:28 PM on January 28, 2009 [10 favorites]

Metafilter: Its victims should be somewhat sympathized with and not pilloried
posted by Joe Beese at 2:30 PM on January 28, 2009

I just bought the towels.

Get em Vince
posted by Addiction at 2:31 PM on January 28, 2009

So, has anyone used those products? Is there any reason to buy them other than to support dude's fight against Scientology?
posted by arcticwoman at 2:34 PM on January 28, 2009

They say a man should always dress for the job he wants.
So why am I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant?
It's all because some hacker stole my identity.
Now I'm in here every evening serving chowder and ice tea
Shoulda gone to FREECREDITREPORT.XN--11B5BS3A9AJ6G
I would have seen this coming at me like an atom b.XN--11B5BS3A9AJ6G
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:36 PM on January 28, 2009 [3 favorites]

That blog reads as insipid drivel from a smug, elitist bitch.
posted by subaruwrx at 2:38 PM on January 28, 2009

East Manitoba: What the hell was that? The results of that Google search are all written in Devangari. Even the URLs are in Devangari, which I didn't even know was possible.
posted by DecemberBoy at 2:39 PM on January 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

You know who else is a smug, elitist bitch? Female shih-tzus. Am I rite people?
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:40 PM on January 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

I don't want boring tuna. I don't want a boring life.
posted by PenDevil at 2:42 PM on January 28, 2009 [7 favorites]

I was about to say, I'm not a TV InfoMercial buyer type person, but what the heck is that shamwow weaved with? Thetans?
posted by cavalier at 2:42 PM on January 28, 2009

I love Vince, the same way I love aerosol cheese.

With boxed wine?
posted by inigo2 at 2:44 PM on January 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

I agree that Scientology is an organized fraud operation

Some might call it a SHAM! WOW!
posted by dirigibleman at 2:47 PM on January 28, 2009 [12 favorites]

Yay, I can tell my Shamwow story now! It's really my 11 yr old nephew's Shamwow story, but here goes:

Nephew is at his friend's house.

I should note here that my nephew and his parents are liberal democrats, and Nephew's friend's family is very right-wing conservative, so the two are really more acquaintances than friends, thrown together because the parents live close to one another.

Anyway, nephew's friend sees Shamwow commercial on TV and is just awed by the product. He begs his parents to buy it and eventually they give in and get it, mostly to please him.

Nephew, visiting his friend, is openly skeptical. He scoffs at the supremacy of the Shamwow. Naturally, being eleven, he baits his friend, "I bet it's no good, probably doesn't even work," etc.

Nephew's friend confidently asserts that of course it works, and he will prove it to nephew! He gets his Shamwow ready, goes to the kitchen fridge, pulls out a can of soda. Then he goes out to the family room, opens up the can and theatrically, just like on TV, pours the whole can onto his parent's rug.

He applies the Shamwow to the stain just like in the commercial. "See?" Takes it away--hmm, there's still some soda left in the rug.

He tries to sop it up. It's not working. He diligently wrings out the Shamwow and really gets to work on the mess--still can't get up the stain.

Now he's panicking, looking for some way to hide this from his parents, moves some furniture around. It's looking good for the kid because they don't catch on real quick.

Then, the ants appear.

Long story short, they had to buy a brand new carpet. Not only wouldn't the stain come out of the rug but the pad underneath was completely soaked, sticky through and through.

And his parents aren't particularly keen on Nephew any more, either.
posted by misha at 2:48 PM on January 28, 2009 [66 favorites]

From the Unexamined Life biography files:

Vince Offer is writer/director of "The Underground Comedy Movie," a series of vignettes about masturbation, defecation, alienation, urination, necrophilia, voyeurism, casual brutality and mockery of the unfortunate. A former Church of Scientology member, Mr. Offer currently is spokesperson for ShamWow! absorbent towels and Slap Chop food choppers.
posted by terranova at 2:48 PM on January 28, 2009

This tuna looks boring.
posted by defenestration at 2:51 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

You have to give him credit...not everybody manages to leave the church of Scientology, sue the church of Scientology, and live to tell the tale. Dude's pretty hardcore.
posted by Ziggy Zaga at 2:51 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

Great, now I want some shamwows (is that the correct plural?) even more. And feel even guiltier about that.
posted by threeturtles at 2:51 PM on January 28, 2009

Man, he has this down. 3:10 length SlapChop ad.
posted by cavalier at 2:51 PM on January 28, 2009

Then, the ants appear.

Thanks, ants! Thants.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:56 PM on January 28, 2009 [11 favorites]

I must not watch enough TV because the only way I know about this guy is from this blog.
posted by DU at 2:57 PM on January 28, 2009

I believe the plural is "shams wow". From the latin.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 2:58 PM on January 28, 2009 [9 favorites]

Shamwowen, clearly.
posted by Wolfdog at 3:03 PM on January 28, 2009

One Shamwow, many Shamwii.
posted by PenDevil at 3:05 PM on January 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

I got a box of ShamWow! for Christmas. Apparently you can pick them up in the As Seen on TV™ aisle at your local Walgreens/Rite Aid, if you're not into $16 shipping handling and processing fees. They work OK, but they get dirty quickly and washing them doesn't seem to remove any dog/cat hair they pick up. And if you've got any body hair at all, don't use them to towel off—it hurts. Also, don't let your roommate put them in the dryer.
posted by carsonb at 3:11 PM on January 28, 2009

I was going to post about this but I was waiting for the new TF2 Scout update to come out so I could tie it all together. Might as well just post what I've got since we don't need two of these threads:

Meet Vince Offer: In the late '90s Vince decided to make the jump from cable access to the big screen as the writer, director, and star of The Underground Comedy Movie. Unfortunately for him his movie was "a monument to ineptitude and self-delusion." Undaunted, he did what any up and coming self starter would and hawked the videos on late night TV, inadvertently opening up a whole new world of opportunity in infomercial sales.

These days Vince is garnering fresh attention as the spokesman for ShamWow and Slap Chop, two products that he sells with an abrasive enthusiasm that straddles the line somewhere between winking parody and an old fashioned hustle. (Though dissenting opinions about his products exist.) But wait, there's more!

He's also butted heads with the Church of Scientology the Farrelly brothers, and Anna Nicole Smith. In a further twist, he shares an uncanny resemblance to the Scout from Team Fortress 2 which was a significant factor in the viral spread of his advertisements.

Anyway, rumor has it that Valve is adding the line "Are you following me, camera guy?" or some variation of that in the upcoming Scout update.
posted by CheshireCat at 3:11 PM on January 28, 2009 [7 favorites]

cavalier: "Man, he has this down. 3:10 length SlapChop ad."

Holy cow!

"C'mon guys, were going to make America skinny again, one slap at a time."

*Does not link the the fat virus thread*
posted by Science! at 3:13 PM on January 28, 2009

Not only wouldn't the stain come out of the rug but the pad underneath was completely soaked, sticky through and through.

There's your mildew, that is gonna smell.
posted by Bonzai at 3:14 PM on January 28, 2009 [4 favorites]

SpamWow.
posted by stargell at 3:15 PM on January 28, 2009

Thanks, ants! Thants.

Luckily they weren't thethants! Ahahaha! Ha! Ha.

Sorry.
posted by WalterMitty at 3:18 PM on January 28, 2009

I love every part of Vince, including his nuts.

I had never heard of or seen the Slap Chop before this post, but I'd seen and considered buying Shamwow several times, and I still might.

I own one of the Slap Chop's competing products (probably the one he held up to compare in the infomercial) and I concur that cleaning it is the biggest PITA, which makes the Slap Chop's hinged body very attractive.

I would need to buy two, though, to keep my kitchen kosher. One for dairy, one to chop up the ham for that instant breakfast.
posted by yiftach at 3:19 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

O wow. I totally see the Scout and Vince connection. That'd be a sweet update.

"Brudda, I hurt people. You followin me, camera guy?"
posted by cavalier at 3:19 PM on January 28, 2009

He managed to muscle up some big A-list names like Slash from Guns n Roses, Ant, a couple of budding soft-core porn stars and Joey Buttafucco.

Big which-list names?
posted by gurple at 3:20 PM on January 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

WHY DOES HE WEAR A HEADSET IN A TV COMMERCIAL???!1?

As I understand it, the headset is a carryover from when Vince did live shamwow demos like those found at state fairs and whatnot. You have to admit it's a good touch.
posted by dead cousin ted at 3:31 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

You have to admit it's a good touch.

No. I don't.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:34 PM on January 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

We all know the truth.
posted by dead cousin ted at 3:37 PM on January 28, 2009

The truth will set you free cost you $19.95 in shipping and handling.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:39 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

His last name is really Offer? Does he have an uncle named Bookman who works as a library inspector?
posted by krinklyfig at 3:39 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

what a bunch of baloney. "one of the good guys"?! Shamwow earphone boy is just as douche-y as everyone else in the CoS. He deserves to have been "wronged" by the CoS for having been retarded enough to get involved with them in the first place.

This thread annoyed me way more than it should.
posted by diablo37 at 3:40 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

Sounds like somebody needs a cleansing!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:44 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

I would need to buy two, though, to keep my kitchen kosher. One for dairy, one to chop up the ham for that instant breakfast.

UR DOIN IT WRONG.
posted by piratebowling at 3:44 PM on January 28, 2009 [3 favorites]

This CNBC video shows that ShamWow is clearly more important than talking about the financial crisis.
posted by amuseDetachment at 3:52 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

Seth Stevenson pretty much nailed it with He appears to be saying, 'I am a carnie huckster, you know it and I know it, but that's OK because this product is that good.'

I was pretty much sold when he told me I hate making salad.
posted by Roman Graves at 3:52 PM on January 28, 2009

I don't know why there's all this hate for Vince. Sure, he's a pitch man, but every second one of his informercials is on is one more second that that screeching banshee Billy isn't.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 4:02 PM on January 28, 2009

I believe the plural is "shams wow". From the latin.

Until this gets posted on slashdot, at which point it becomes "shamwoxen".
posted by inigo2 at 4:02 PM on January 28, 2009 [3 favorites]

The headset is so we know this isn't just some guy. This is Someone From Headquarters. He's In The Know, so we should Trust His Word.
posted by DU at 4:03 PM on January 28, 2009

Keeeeeeeerazy. My wife called me last night to say that one of our friends had just told her the guy from the ShamWOW! commercials had made an awful movie and that I needed to find it ASAP, because, you know, I have a deep, unsettling passion for watching terrible movies. I did an internet search, immediately found the Wiki and read about the movie, then actually passed on adding the movie to my download list for the night. I'm sure it'll make it on there soon, but I'm still watching Man Bites Dog and after that, I've got Little Otik to watch! Seriously though, this was just last night that I heard about this. Now it's on Mefi. What is going on?
posted by Bageena at 4:05 PM on January 28, 2009

Oh man, I forgot about the $20/month on paper towels. I have more kids than average, including TWIN 3 YEAR OLDS and I don't spend that much paper towels.
posted by DU at 4:05 PM on January 28, 2009

I just saw - last night - the ShamWow guy doing the ads for ShamWow -in Spanish!

It looked and sounded to me like it was not dubbed. He did it in Spanish, it was horrible, horrible, horrible Spanish, but it was him. Right then and there he scored major cred with me.

My wife has been hinting that she would like to try a ShamWow for some time. Me, I am skeptical, you can see the camera cuts in the ShamWow ads, that say to me, "not really".

Nevertheless, he is in a fight with Co$? I am gonna buy some ShamWows today.
posted by Xoebe at 4:08 PM on January 28, 2009

The Shamwow was the most coveted gift at our office white elephant gift exchange. Even better than the Chia Head.
posted by birdherder at 4:23 PM on January 28, 2009

Shämwow (shām-wau) - 1. n a movie so awful that its trailer contains no redeeming moments. 2. n an item with an utter surfeit of fail, making any successful promotion of the item impossible.
posted by zippy at 4:25 PM on January 28, 2009

¡Hola! Soy Vince con Shamwow
posted by birdherder at 4:28 PM on January 28, 2009 [4 favorites]

Enjoy Little Otik, Bageena.

*shudder*
posted by lyam at 4:31 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

WHY DOES HE WEAR A HEADSET IN A TV COMMERCIAL???!1?

If he answers me that, I will buy one of his products.

He's just like the guys in the commercials that use a handheld microphone, except that he needs his hands free for the hands-on (natch) demos.

The use of a handheld mic or an obvious headset mic is meant to do two things: one, increase the reliability of the audio during a live production (saves money on reshooting scenes and such) and two, project an appearance of honesty and directness.
posted by davejay at 4:32 PM on January 28, 2009

(I am secretly in love with the SHAMWOW! GUY!)

(Also, my friend's kids think my Billy Mays impersonation is hilarious)
posted by bitter-girl.com at 4:40 PM on January 28, 2009

every second one of his informercials is on is one more second that that screeching banshee Billy isn't.

Why does that man shout so much? Honestly, he frightens me. Can you imagine the road rage?
posted by sugarfish at 4:43 PM on January 28, 2009

I am mesmerized by Vince and his ShamWow! And now my daughter is begging me to stop saying:

Tacos * Fettucine * Linguini? * Martini? * Bikini.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 4:44 PM on January 28, 2009

Here's my 10 year old doing the ScamWow commercial. Note the squint!
posted by lee at 4:45 PM on January 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

As someone who eats a breakfast of finely-minced hard-boiled egg, green onion, pickle, and ham every morning, the Slap-Chop really looks like an amazing product.
posted by uncleozzy at 4:45 PM on January 28, 2009 [5 favorites]

I heard he has some kind of palsy that paralyzes one side of his face. That's why he both wears the headset and is only seen at that angle.
posted by frecklefaerie at 4:47 PM on January 28, 2009

My wife has been hinting that she would like to try a ShamWow for some time.

Oh so that's the euphemism the kids are using nowadays.
posted by Nick Verstayne at 4:55 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

¡Hola! Soy Vince con Shamwow

OH MY GOD
posted by Roman Graves at 4:55 PM on January 28, 2009

He should have just stayed in Scientology and hocked the snuggie. I mean, the people in the advert look like they're in a cult anyway...
posted by ob at 4:59 PM on January 28, 2009

I asked this question in some previous ShamWow-related thread, but I didn't see an answer, so I'm trying again:

Is a ShamWow anything other than chamois?
posted by Flunkie at 5:01 PM on January 28, 2009

I don't know why his movie wasn't funny, because that SlapChop commercial is hilarious and Vince knows it. You can see it in his squint.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 5:02 PM on January 28, 2009

Is a ShamWow anything other than chamois?

Yes, it features 1000% more wow.
posted by drezdn at 5:05 PM on January 28, 2009 [5 favorites]

OMG Slap Chop is amazing.

"You're going to love my nuts!"
*Vince pulls bowl of nuts from crotch.*
posted by sugarfish at 5:12 PM on January 28, 2009

Is a ShamWow anything other than chamois?

Uh, it's made in GERMANY. Duh!
posted by dead cousin ted at 5:33 PM on January 28, 2009

Here's my 10 year old doing the ScamWow commercial.

You need to be urine testing that kid. I think he might be using cocaine.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:33 PM on January 28, 2009

Also, I've had a tool like the slapchop for probably 15 years, I think I got it from pampered chef. Apparently there are people that didn't know those existed.
posted by dead cousin ted at 5:37 PM on January 28, 2009

"does your chopper do this? no?" *throws into sink behind him*
posted by man vs sun at 5:59 PM on January 28, 2009

That guy is so oddly amusing to watch. He definitely has a freaky aura about him, so the former CoS thing explains a lot.

Also, he looks like Ze Frank crossed with Dean Stockwell.
posted by wowbobwow at 6:19 PM on January 28, 2009

My favourite line from the YouTube thread discussing the SlapChop infomercial:

"That man could sell me used lottery tickets."
posted by spoobnooble at 6:38 PM on January 28, 2009

Apparently the squint was the result of a stroke. Or so they say.

Another interesting fact: A WHOIS reveals his real last name to be Shlomi, which when Googled leads us to...this.
posted by vanadium at 6:39 PM on January 28, 2009

Metafilter: I fear you’re violating [our religion]ism’s doctrine.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:41 PM on January 28, 2009

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Thus I find myself allied with Vinny Headset in the same way I am allied with 4Chan - i.e. however douchey and juvenile they are, taking down CoS is an objectively noble cause. Gotta buy a ShamWow now.
posted by Navelgazer at 7:03 PM on January 28, 2009

Add me to the vince fan camp. I'm even his friend on facebook.
posted by saxamo at 7:13 PM on January 28, 2009

Lemme just put this out there for anyone who might be thinking of picking up The Underground Comedy Movie...

I bought that sucker one night. One really g'damn stoned night (natch). It arrived, and I was pretty pumped. I watched about 5 minutes and thought "this might be the worst thing I've ever seen". It was not only not at all funny - but it's the kind of totally-not-funny that reminds you of the big dumb jocks in high school who thought punching the indefensible nerdy kid right in the nose until a tooth came out was the coupe de grace of high-comedy.

But now, here's the "rub"....

I started skipping chapters, and within a few seconds, I thought it broke my DVD player. You see, fellow mefites, TUCM is actually about 5-6 "skits" (if you'd call them that) done over and over and over again, with only slight variations. For 88 minutes straight.

In one scene, Michael Clarke Duncan is in a billiards hall. The "comedy" is that he's a gay man - BUT Ohh there's a twist! - he's also.... a virgin. Oh, and the hilarity ensues lame joke is watching overtly-gay men try and seduce him over and over again. He stops just shy of beating the shit out of anyone who does, thereby making the joke... I guess... that he's "too gay" to hit someone? I"m not sure. This goes on for about 5 minutes at a time. Each time we check in on that scene, it's almost identical, the characters are all the same, but the dialog is just a slight bit different.

It's offensive, sure, but... I don't take issue with that. TUCM is offensive just for the sake of doing so. Like as if it was made on a bet. Though, I'm not even sure who would've won the bet.

To put it another way - I lent it to a friend on the condition that after he finished watching it, he smashed it to pieces, so no one else would suffer having to watch it again. Even after 3 joints, he said he never once even giggled at it. And smashed it with pride.

That being said...
I might get me a Slap-Chop. I'm gonna love my nuts.
posted by revmitcz at 7:29 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

"(Also, my friend's kids think my Billy Mays impersonation is hilarious)"

"Make it into a paste to make it ten times more parrrhful!"
posted by krinklyfig at 7:32 PM on January 28, 2009

"Is a ShamWow anything other than chamois?"

Yeah, it's just a synthetic chamois. You can get one just about anywhere under different names, and about half the price he's asking, but you gotta admit, the guy knows how to sell, because everyone knows who he is.
posted by krinklyfig at 7:35 PM on January 28, 2009

REMIX!
posted by niles at 8:11 PM on January 28, 2009

If I buy a Slap Chop, will my strawberries sparkle like Vince's? It's MAGIC, I tell you.
posted by catlet at 8:17 PM on January 28, 2009

This guy would still be in the COS if he didn't suck so much ass at filmmaking and the sham wow only looks decently useful b/c of fancy editing, the only thing I'd ever give this guy is a fart in the mouth.
posted by BrnP84 at 8:50 PM on January 28, 2009

I don't think this has been mentioned, but I've always been bothered by the point where vince holds up the shamwow and says "this last *voiceover* ten years *end voice over*, this last a week". Watch the clip again if you didn't notice it. I always wondered what was up with that.
posted by dead cousin ted at 9:30 PM on January 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

I have clearly fallen way behind on my hating.
posted by nicwolff at 12:10 AM on January 29, 2009

He's kinda cute, but he'd absolutely hot with a sham wow stuffed in his mouth to shut him up!
posted by Goofyy at 1:15 AM on January 29, 2009

(Also, my friend's kids think my Billy Mays impersonation is hilarious)

Yeah, I just discovered over the holidays that my Billy Mays impression cracks my whole family the hell up. I guess there's some benefit to being an unemployed insomniac mimic?

THIS. IS. BILLY MAYS HERE FOR SPARTA!
posted by Eideteker at 1:39 AM on January 29, 2009

(I also do a Vince impression. Just pick up any random object: "This is f' da house, da cah...")
posted by Eideteker at 1:42 AM on January 29, 2009

Yay, I can tell my Shamwow story now! It's really my 11 yr old nephew's Shamwow story, but here goes:

[...]

And his parents aren't particularly keen on Nephew any more, either.

Eh, the unexamined life is not worth living.
posted by ersatz at 5:38 AM on January 29, 2009

It's pretty hard not to kill (comedy-wise) in a room full of small children, but Billy Mays! just makes it that much easier.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 5:40 AM on January 29, 2009

Oh come on. Why all the hatred for the huckster? It's not like he's barging into the homes of vulnerable pensioners and conning them into buying twelve grand's worth of poorly installed solar panels. Don't you find all his 'Find The Lady' patter just a little bit amusing? You know it's a shill, but still... it's funny, too.
posted by RokkitNite at 7:43 AM on January 29, 2009

I love that we can have 100+ comments all dripping with contempt about how silly it is. That Shamwow commercial is sheer genius. It's a freakin towel and here we are, wannabe digerati, all talking about it.

dead cousin ted nails it, btw: the Shamwow ad is just the State Fair pitchman routine brought to TV. It's beautiful to watch those old guys work a crowd live, really amazing performance. Just keep your hands out of your pockets.
posted by Nelson at 10:05 AM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

Shamwow is the reason I can Slap away everyday.
posted by orme at 10:59 AM on January 29, 2009

East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94: Thanks, ants! Thants.

You're welcome. Yerwecom.
posted by workerant at 12:04 PM on January 29, 2009

punching the indefensible nerdy kid right in the nose until a tooth came out

wait... came out of his nose?

also,

Metafilter: punching the indefensible nerdy kid right in the nose until a tooth came out.
posted by klanawa at 12:18 PM on January 29, 2009

wait... indefensible?
posted by klanawa at 12:18 PM on January 29, 2009

Thanks for the background info, I had no idea about the movie or the scientology angle. I don't think I'd ever be tempted to buy one of the products Vince shills, but it always puts a smile on my face whenever I see him on TV working his schtick.

Dude's a hustler. I respect that.
posted by kryptondog at 1:27 PM on January 29, 2009

Thus I find myself allied with Vinny Headset in the same way I am allied with 4Chan - i.e. however douchey and juvenile they are, taking down CoS is an objectively noble cause.

Almost all the *Chans are no longer involved with Project Chanology. They've mostly collectively decided that it's "gay", because others have gotten involved including people who were protesting Scientology when they were in grade school and new people who actually care about stopping a dangerous cult, and it's grown beyond their dumbass little let's-DDoS-Scientology's-servers boys' club. They only originally went after Scientology because they got a video of Tom Cruise acting wacky pulled from some websites, and they think of the Internet as "theirs" and see themselves as the arbiters of cutting-edge Internet cool, even though their whole ridiculous culture is a retread of what Something Awful and Portal of Evil were doing 10 years ago.

They refer to people that are against Scientology because it hurts people instead of their original motivations of DDoSing COS servers because it was something to do to fill the many empty moments in their pointless little lives as "moralfags", and now dedicate their collective energies to much more worthwhile pursuits like prank calling video game stores and asking for Battletoads. Longtime Scientology critics like Mark Bunker and Tory Christman tried to help them and give them advice, and they mostly got harassed for their troubles. They even posted Mark Bunker's personal information and harassed him over the phone. They're fucking ridiculous little loser twerps, and the biggest thing they've accomplished so far is making local news when some dipshit reprobate covered himself in Vaseline and pubic hair and harassed staff members in a Scientology org in New York (they laud this event as "what Chanology should have been"). All the actual important wins against Scientology since they started have been accomplished by longtime critics and ex-members, the same people who were fighting Scientology since before they existed and will continue after they're gone. They're totally worthless wastes of oxygen.
posted by DecemberBoy at 5:09 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

Suck it, blue.
posted by xorry at 5:49 PM on January 29, 2009

WHY DOES HE WEAR A HEADSET IN A TV COMMERCIAL???!1?
So that his many fans will recognize him from flea markets where he chatted them up. Look, if you're the kind of slattern whose social life revolves around carney pitchmen chatting you up at county fairs, you need those little details to help you separate the wheat from the tawdry, itinerant chaff. Is this so hard to understand?

The sham wow, which you can indeed buy for way less at any ethnic market or flea market, can entirely de-sop a just-bathed Australian shepherd, be wrung out, and de-sop the next dog. If you have Australian shepherds, this counts as "really works." Never had a problem getting the animal hair out - I use a little thing called "the hose" - but possibly my Shaw Wow's are not-authentic-Teutonic knock-off wows and I've been living in a fool's paradise thinking my pooches were cleaned according to Vince's way.

My assumption is that if you buy things off the TeeVee, the TeeVee people sell your name and address and god knows what else to everyone and their dog and quite possible Thatans who exist but not in the way L. Ron imagined.

Seriously though, in the flesh Vince has the true salesman/sociopath/professional magician ability to be very aware while misdirecting like a mo-fo. It's uncanny and almost supernatural. Don't see it all on the TV.

Okay, now let's talk about Max Hodges from TMZ. (He must be doing something fascinating and unexpected, like taking down Heidegger once and for all.) MSTPT, if anyone can find out if Max and Harvey Levin are a couple, it's you! Great link. So nice to know I'm not alone in my freak Vince lust. Or maybe not.... considering what this says about us as a nation and women.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:28 PM on January 29, 2009

And another Metafilter Scientology thread goes by without a peep out of this Clearwaterite! How very, very odd!
posted by interrobang at 8:27 AM on January 30, 2009