Your Cheatin' Car....

January 29, 2009 6:41 PM

Do you cheat? Do you have a car? Sorry.
posted by KevinSkomsvold (88 comments total)

(1) 2 3 4 5 Rate This!
posted by cashman at 6:46 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

Is this crazy people who should never get into a relationship with anyone night on Metafilter or something?
posted by bondcliff at 6:48 PM on January 29, 2009 [4 favorites]

1
posted by Zambrano at 6:48 PM on January 29, 2009

I have to admit, this one is some pretty creative vandalism.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:48 PM on January 29, 2009 [9 favorites]

Seems logical. Men who like psycho women that much... they can't stop with just one.

(Most of these are just criminal. The peanut butter and styrofoam, though... that is ART.)
posted by rokusan at 6:49 PM on January 29, 2009

Well, I suppose this sort of thing is better than physically assaulting the cheater directly…
posted by hattifattener at 6:49 PM on January 29, 2009

Marry me, Marisa. I'll be faithful. Mostly.
posted by rokusan at 6:50 PM on January 29, 2009

Where does one get that many pick-axes? It's a comical amount!
posted by Phantomx at 6:52 PM on January 29, 2009 [24 favorites]

The pick axes were very deliberately planned, and carried out. Well done, I say! My cheating ex rolled her car while driving around with the little bastard, so I didn't have to smash it for her.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:53 PM on January 29, 2009

The peanut butter and styrofoam, though... that is ART.

I think that was the intended effect. Sure, anyone can spraypaint "CHEATING BELL-END" on the side of a car. The message is like a plank across the head. We carry nothing away from it. But peanut butter, styrofoam kernels and plasticware? This would give one pause. We ask ourselves - what is trying to be conveyed here? Sure, it's got a strong Duchamps tone to it. But the use of domestic products in such a jarring context sends a visceral message of a home up-ended. The infidelity doesn't just betray our sense of trust in another person, but in our sense of what the home means. It's a masterful stroke of revenge. I hope he was able to appreciate it.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:55 PM on January 29, 2009 [47 favorites]

No thanks.
posted by dead cousin ted at 6:56 PM on January 29, 2009

At a certain point you are just punishing their insurer. I kind of wanted the black interior with the red paint, cool look.

I'd be most upset by the manure. Also, if you find a site with people getting back at cheaters by contaminating their food with random homeless person ejaculate, please do not post it here. Oh crap, I think my self-censoring filters are broken today.
posted by BrotherCaine at 6:59 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

Marry me, Marisa. I'll be faithful. Mostly.

You do know that's a dude, right? Eh, maybe I shouldn't have said anything.
posted by dead cousin ted at 7:00 PM on January 29, 2009

Doing damage to the car indicates some perception that it is the most prized possession. Which is pretty sad in most of these cases.

I liked the "hope she was worth it" sprayed on the outside of the car. The ultimate walk of shame to get that home/to the bodyshop and have it removed. A lot of the others...meh. Who can even say it was a cheating situation?
posted by DU at 7:01 PM on January 29, 2009

I think I could come up with something far grosser than any of those pitiful acts of vandalism. No entrails? No sacks of feces? No piles of discarded cow and pig eyeballs from a meat plant? No syrup-glazed cow tongues and a beehive? Man, these people are just lame.
posted by jamstigator at 7:04 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

I was going to make some joke about how I've never done this since none of the guys I have dated owned cars, but then I realized it wasn't a joke. Some of them didn't even bother to learn to drive. Thanks, MetaFilter, for making me question my choice in men.
posted by piratebowling at 7:05 PM on January 29, 2009 [8 favorites]

Doing damage to the car indicates some perception that it is the most prized possession.

Well, I did see a lot of BMWs and Audis there.

The best revenge, to me, remains lawn-forking. Barring that, spoons will do as well.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 7:05 PM on January 29, 2009

What'd they pour on this car to make the paint come off like that?
posted by echo target at 7:10 PM on January 29, 2009

Actually, the paint splatter on the Audi looks kind of cool.

Although, if I'm going to do one over on someone's car, I would go buy some seafood and leave it in the car on a hot day. They'll never get the smell out. And most people associate memories with smells, so every time they step in the car they are reminded of how shallow they are.

As an added bonus, no property damage!
posted by hellojed at 7:11 PM on January 29, 2009

What'd they pour on this car to make the paint come off like that?

Scorn and ridicule.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 7:12 PM on January 29, 2009 [12 favorites]

Those poor cars! They never did anything...yet they get the brunt of all the rage.

Car Abuse. A silent shame.
posted by sandraregina at 7:17 PM on January 29, 2009 [8 favorites]

"I kind of wanted the black interior with the red paint, cool look."

Me too.

The spray foam in the cracks was a most excellent way to glue the doors shut. I wonder if it would even be possible to save the car.
posted by Mitheral at 7:21 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

"What's more chickenshit than fucking with a man's automobile?"
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 7:22 PM on January 29, 2009

How mature.
posted by lucidium at 7:28 PM on January 29, 2009

Introducing the 2009 BMW Polyamory. Now with multiple, simultaneous interiors.
posted by netbros at 7:30 PM on January 29, 2009 [4 favorites]

I once dated a young lady who told me that her ex was in jail for torching via road flare her last boyfriends car. I found this out about 6 months into the relationship and about two weeks before he got out.
posted by Big_B at 7:33 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS, LARRY!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:36 PM on January 29, 2009 [21 favorites]

I guess this is what happens when you fuck a stranger another woman in the ass.

Well, possibly in the ass, I guess.
posted by DecemberBoy at 7:37 PM on January 29, 2009 [4 favorites]

Aw, dammit. Beaten by seconds.
posted by DecemberBoy at 7:38 PM on January 29, 2009

Where does one get that many pick-axes? It's a comical amount!

I was just imagining a conversation in the hardware store.

"You only had seven pick-axes. Are there any more in the back?"

"I'm sorry, that's our whole stock."

"God damnit!... Oh well, ring 'em up."
posted by nanojath at 7:43 PM on January 29, 2009 [4 favorites]

I used to date a girl from New Orleans whose father was "in the shipping business" if you know what I mean. One of her ex-boyfriends got mad at her and keyed her car.

His car was stolen and driven into the Mississippi River. I tried to be nice to her after she told me that.
posted by ColdChef at 7:45 PM on January 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

Marry me, Marisa. I'll be faithful. Mostly.
You do know that's a dude, right?

Bah. Irrelevant! This is cosmic comment-submission timing we speak of. Synchronicity. Art!

What is sex, really, anyway? Who would let a few fleshy, dangly bits get in the way of a cosmic, deep relationship founded on digital snark and some well-timed, expressionist peanut butter?

Have you no soul, Cousin Ted?

(Okay. I need to stop drinking now.)
posted by rokusan at 7:47 PM on January 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill you and he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill us!

Jeff Spicoli: Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes!

Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna shit!

Jeff Spicoli: Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?

Jefferson's Brother: First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us!

Jeff Spicoli: Relax, all right? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.
posted by not_on_display at 7:55 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

I used to work with someone who set her ex's car on fire. Burnt it to a fucking crisp.

She also would open beer bottles with her gold tooth.

True fucking story.

Ahh, Brooklyn, she ain't what she used to be.
posted by milarepa at 7:56 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

The peanut butter/plasticware one has cat litter on the roof?
posted by figment of my conation at 8:02 PM on January 29, 2009

I like to think material things don't matter to me, but I cringed at the pictures of that beautiful black Beamer vandalized to shit.

But really, the best revenge is comes through the use of a digital camera.
posted by bardic at 8:07 PM on January 29, 2009

This would have better spark if there were more links, I think. Perhaps. Maybe.

I admit some of the pics really got me, though - the pickax proliferation, the incredibly elaborate peanut butter/plastic utensils/kitty litter/styrofoam defacing, and the spray foam.

Most particularly the spray foam - so methodical, both in application and the logic behind it. It's not the frustrated passion of keying, nor the gut-wrenched smashing of a window. No, that took precision, and a level of neat calculation that would leave me worried for weeks after.

Ahh, fidelity.

It's really the comments in here that made it worth reading, though. Especially once a certain amount of lift had occurred.
posted by batmonkey at 8:13 PM on January 29, 2009

Hope posting this thread was worth it! Barstard
posted by fusinski at 8:23 PM on January 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

Most of the paint actually looks really awesome. Can I just dump paint on my car like these pictures? Will it work the same way?
posted by Citizen Premier at 8:36 PM on January 29, 2009

Pfft! My car looks like those just from normal use.
posted by dirigibleman at 8:47 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

In many parts of the world people can't afford cars. So from a global perspective, Americans are like the Wall Street asshole who lights cigarettes with $100 bills.
posted by troybob at 8:50 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

Most of those cars had European plates. Just sayin'.
posted by bardic at 8:51 PM on January 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

If Americans are messing with Europeans' cars as well, all the worse for our reputation!
posted by troybob at 8:55 PM on January 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

Between this, the DABA girls, sorry-mom.com, and the "mad at dad" moms, I swear I'm never going to have sex again.

And I mean it this time.
posted by Afroblanco at 8:56 PM on January 29, 2009

How do we know they were che... oh. Nevermind. Didn't scroll far enough.
posted by Ugh at 8:59 PM on January 29, 2009

Even from an American perspective a lot of Americans are like the Wall Street asshole who lights cigarettes with $100 bills.

I remember having a college roomate who talked for days after getting dumped about wanting to go to his ex-girlfriends house, kill her dog, cut up all of her clothes and trash her car. I kept wondering if I was going to have to call the cops on him. Instead he got drunk for a week straight morning noon and night. Since then, these revenge stories aren't really all that funny to me.
posted by BrotherCaine at 9:00 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

The wife says this one reads "Happy New Year 2009," and this reads "I love you." So, maybe not all jilted lovers, but some imaginative mayhem nonetheless.

I particularly liked the subtlety in this shot; it took me a second to appreciate the "thumbs up" flashed by the driver. And the spray foam? Inspired.
posted by Graygorey at 9:22 PM on January 29, 2009

Just piling on with the "Wow, pickaxes" sentiment. Nothing says agrieved party like the willingness to use pickaxes. Wow.

Still, seafood in the hot car is better. Most of these are criminal offenses, unfortunately. While the scum might have cheated, the vandal is the one who would probably end up in jail. Of course, rather than just setting the seafood on a seat, why not put some of it down the heating vent. Or, y'know, say, coyote urine.
posted by Ghidorah at 9:35 PM on January 29, 2009

Chicken bombing is the way to go, if you're serious. Just save your chicken bones and various pieces of carcass and put it into mason style canning jars. Fill the rest of the volume of the jar with milk and seal the jar up. Break into the target, and hide the jar in an air duct of some kind. Eventually the rotting milk/chicken mixture will burst the jar from internal pressure. This will be the worst smelling substance ever. This smell will be a part of the car forever, especially when the heater is on. The upside is that the bursting process might take a month, so revenge is served cold but prepared hot.
posted by schyler523 at 9:54 PM on January 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

all you really need at this time of year in michigan is a garden hose
posted by pyramid termite at 9:56 PM on January 29, 2009

"Hope she was worth it."

Hmm. I question the writer's sincerity.
posted by BigSky at 10:01 PM on January 29, 2009 [6 favorites]

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS, LARRY!

Warning: also happens when you find a stranger in the Alps.
posted by mazola at 10:04 PM on January 29, 2009 [5 favorites]

In my experience, late model beemers and audis tend to have comprehensive insurance. Just sayin'.
posted by ryanrs at 10:14 PM on January 29, 2009

In my experience, late model beemers and audis tend to have comprehensive insurance.

Yeah, except now they require psychological screening of every new girlfriend.

What happened to the good old days of 'ex' revenge, when all you had to do was tell everybody at the office party that he couldn't get an erection unless you wore a Kermit the Frog hand puppet?
posted by troybob at 10:17 PM on January 29, 2009

"Rex cries after he ejaculates."
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:31 PM on January 29, 2009

What'd they pour on this car to make the paint come off like that?

That's not vandalism, she just bought him a Chrysler.
posted by CynicalKnight at 10:34 PM on January 29, 2009 [6 favorites]

There's always public transit.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:38 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

What'd they pour on this car to make the paint come off like that?

Maybe something as simple as brake fluid. But pros use methylene chloride.
posted by ryanrs at 11:29 PM on January 29, 2009

Maybe something as simple as brake fluid. But pros use methylene chloride.

I'm told that if you apply really cheap, greasy bologna (like the pre-sliced sickly-pink kind that comes in plastic-on-cardboard packages) to the hood/roof/trunk of a car on a sunny day, the paint will peel right off when removing the now-rancid lunchmeat. Not sure if it really works, though.
posted by DecemberBoy at 12:17 AM on January 30, 2009

What'd they pour on this car to make the paint come off like that?

Err...paint-stripper?
posted by w0mbat at 1:17 AM on January 30, 2009

On further examination, I'm pretty sure it's methylene chloride. It looks like it, particularly the crinkled, blistered paint and the white residue on the windows.

In related news, methylene chloride has recently been banned in the EU. Nearly all use will be phased out over the next two years. So all you crazy european girlfriends, now's the time to stock up!
posted by ryanrs at 1:23 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

this is a perfect summary of why i only partake in public transit...
posted by vantam at 1:50 AM on January 30, 2009

'cause crazy shit never happens on the bus.
posted by ryanrs at 2:01 AM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

In related news, methylene chloride has recently been banned in the EU.

Supposing I wanted to buy some: what legitimate uses does it have (other than stripping the paint off a cheater's car, which I think is quite legitimate) and where would I buy it?
posted by pracowity at 3:26 AM on January 30, 2009

You can use it to dissolve the body after you kill the cheater (which I think is quite legitimate).
posted by Dumsnill at 3:50 AM on January 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

It's the best way to weld plexiglas. It's also a particularly nasty toxic and carcinogenic chemical. Absorbs through skin. Inhalation is a bad idea. Here's an MSDS.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:07 AM on January 30, 2009

I have seen the last car on the first page. It was parked outside a key shop in Manchester, UK a couple of years ago. Closer examination revealed that the letters where decals rather than actual scratches, probably put there by the key place for publicity. Still a good one though.
posted by ghost of a past number at 4:24 AM on January 30, 2009

The pick ax, plastic utensils and spray styrofoam showed thought and style. The methylene chloride a level of thought out damage while everything else showed pure rage though I will give props to the red paint in the interior with bucket of feces showed fervor. Overall, I think the best ones are where the possibility of being caught by the law has minimal impact.

My lawyer is my vengeance. As the Klingons and Sicilians say, "Vengeance is a dish best eaten cold."
posted by jadepearl at 5:31 AM on January 30, 2009

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MOCK A RANGER ABOUT HIS ABS, LARRY

I just can't imagine having this kind of hatred for anyone. If you are that invested in a relationship, it should mean that you still have feelings for that person and would not want to see them hurt. When I see a Porsche damaged by a jealous ex, I automatically think, these two people never really liked each other; it was always a surface thing, a status thing, an uneasy relationship based on mutual distrust.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:09 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

I was an EMT years ago and had to transport a guy to the ER after he tried torching a car.
He poured a bunch of gasoline into the smashed window, then was hit in the face with a fireball when he threw in the match. He wasn't seriously burned or anything, so it was hard not to laugh at the line across his forehead where his baseball cap blocked the flame. He kept asking me if he looked really stupid with no eyebrows. The answer was yes.
posted by orme at 6:10 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

I wonder who cheated on Andy Warhol.
posted by planetkyoto at 6:15 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

I liked the red paint on the black too. Just saying.
posted by pearlybob at 6:34 AM on January 30, 2009

I cannot match this thread's complete awesomeness of Fran Snarkinton input.

I hang my head in shame. But at least I don't own a car.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 6:35 AM on January 30, 2009

I just can't imagine having this kind of hatred for anyone
You're not mental though, are you?
posted by asok at 7:31 AM on January 30, 2009

He poured a bunch of gasoline into the smashed window, then was hit in the face with a fireball when he threw in the match. He wasn't seriously burned or anything,

Also something an acquaintance of mine did to a car for insurance purposes. And then he had to walk back from the godforsaken nowhere that he had chosen to perform the burn-out. Genius.
posted by asok at 7:33 AM on January 30, 2009

Oooh, speedholes.
posted by thewittyname at 7:52 AM on January 30, 2009

Metafilter: dissolving the body after you kill the cheater (which I think is quite legitimate).
posted by cereselle at 8:42 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Just for the record, I don't think meh methylene chloride would be very good for dissolving bodies. Historically, the tool of choice has been "lime" - why change now?
posted by sneebler at 9:53 AM on January 30, 2009

Dear god, the acceptance of brutal revenge as just reciprocation for --*gasp* having sex with another person -- in here is kind of disturbing me.
posted by tehloki at 11:38 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

It's bad enough that one gf found out about another, but how did they explained it to the wives when they went home?
posted by Crash at 11:51 AM on January 30, 2009

Of course, when it is reversed, this scenario more often plays out on the physical body of the cheating female. The cops just came to some neighbors' house a few weeks ago because the guy walked in on his wife/partner/whatever in bed with another guy.

So I would rather have my car axed than me axed.
posted by Danf at 12:19 PM on January 30, 2009

Who axed you?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 12:53 PM on January 30, 2009

Sex? With someone who isn't me? I AM ENRAGED. FOR I AM YOUR END-ALL BE-ALL AND YOU WILL HONOR THAT.

Or else your car pays the price!!
posted by grubi at 1:14 PM on January 30, 2009

guy cheats, girl hits his car?
girl cheats, guy hits her cat?

jeez, I will never get female logic.
posted by krautland at 2:15 PM on January 30, 2009

Metafilter: dissolving the body after you kill the cheater (which I think is quite legitimate).

posted by cereselle at 11:42 AM on January 30
posted by revgeorge at 7:13 AM on January 31, 2009

Dear god, the acceptance of brutal revenge as just reciprocation for --*gasp* having sex with another person -- in here is kind of disturbing me.

Beats murder. Seriously, have you ever had a six-year marriage end because your spouse took up with another man behind your back? It can make you positively peevish and testy.
posted by Devils Rancher at 3:43 PM on January 31, 2009

Devils Rancher: It depends on whether the marriage was ended by the cheating spouse, or by the "cuckolded" one. I see lots of tragedies which are basically rooted in the fact that people don't discuss their opinions on open sexuality before marriage, or if they do, lie about them.
posted by tehloki at 12:01 AM on February 2, 2009

I see lots of tragedies which are basically rooted in the fact that people don't discuss their opinions on open sexuality before marriage, or if they do, lie about them.

I initiated the divorce, after learning of the affair. Our marriage was based on monogamy, when we took our vows, so I was betrayed. All I'm saying is that it can make you angry to get lied to about faithfulness, when it's what you expect from someone you trust, which is SOP in 99% of traditional marriages. I'f she'd expressed her desire to sleep around before we'd discussed marriage, I would never have entertained the idea. A lot of the time, especially after a protracted number of years, it can be pretty traumatic, and evoke feelings of rage, which can lead to things being smashed. I'm saying if you've just gotta let it out, their car is a much more suitable target than their body. I will note that I was distraught enough that I briefly pondered murder, and whether it would be worth spending the rest of my life in prison. It only took 5 seconds to reach a negative conclusion, but I have to admit that I did, for one brief moment, stare down the urge to kill. It's not a pretty thing. I'm not proud of it. I'm a very non-violent person, but the rage was real.
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:27 AM on February 2, 2009