"Don't have a thetan, dude."

January 30, 2009 4:17 PM

Bart Simpson is known for prank calls, but Nancy Cartwright, who provides Bart's voice on "The Simpsons," has been heard this week in a phone message using the voice of the cartoon fourth-grader to promote Scientology.
posted by Joe Beese (91 comments total)

So what? Don't have an engram, man.
posted by rokusan at 4:20 PM on January 30 [4 favorites]

This is why I am a futurama fan instead.
posted by mrzarquon at 4:22 PM on January 30 [8 favorites]

Scientology is stupid. I think that sums that up.
posted by billysumday at 4:22 PM on January 30 [1 favorite]

Dick move.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 4:23 PM on January 30 [1 favorite]

Eat my thetans
posted by poppo at 4:25 PM on January 30 [3 favorites]

I would like to know more about the religion of Butterfinger bars. Please send pamphlets.
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 4:26 PM on January 30 [4 favorites]

I will never promote scientology again
I will never promote scientology again
I will never promote scientology again
I will never promote scientology again
I will never promote scientology again
I will never promote scientology again
I will never promote scientology again
I will never promote scientology again
...
posted by Dumsnill at 4:26 PM on January 30 [58 favorites]

Couldn't anybody do a Bart Simpson voice? What I mean to say is, fire her, replace her, problem solved.
posted by newfers at 4:27 PM on January 30

Bart's a fourth grader? Huh. Learn something new everyday.

never "endorsed any religion, philosophy or system of beliefs any more profound than Butterfinger bars."? Nancy should be good.
posted by niles at 4:27 PM on January 30 [1 favorite]

Wow, maybe this will mean they'll finally put an end to the Simpsons, instead of the current macabre cycle whereby they dig up its decayed corpse once a week in order to bury it again.


naaaaaah. Those guys got alimony to pay.
posted by Afroblanco at 4:27 PM on January 30 [2 favorites]

You seem agitated about all of this, perhaps a Free Stress Test will help you find the source of that frustration.
posted by JimmyJames at 4:30 PM on January 30 [5 favorites]

Howard Stern plays the robocall.
posted by ericb at 4:30 PM on January 30 [2 favorites]

Remember that noise Bart made when he ingested the free jagged metal Krusty O? Yeah, that's the noise I'm making right now.
posted by giraffe at 4:31 PM on January 30 [2 favorites]

"Longtime Scientologist Nancy Cartwright -- best known as the voice of Bart Simpson -- last year gave the church $10 million to help spread the word of founder L. Ron Hubbard into other galaxies.

It was all part of Scientology's Global Salvage effort, which aims to 'de-aberrate' Earth -- meaning to rid mankind of psychology ills and other 'aberrant' behavior.

Surprisingly, Nancy, 50, forked over twice as much as the Scientology's most prominent member, Tom Cruise, who only gave $5 million in an installment plan."^*

posted by ericb at 4:33 PM on January 30 [1 favorite]

Not that big of a surprise, after all, Bart has a history of involvement with ridiculous cults.

I wonder why there was never any Isaac Hayes-style fallout from Cartwright over the Movementarians episode? Was she not a member then? It wasn't as blatant as the "Trapped In The Closet" episode of South Park, but it was pretty clear what they were parodying. The "Dear Leader" unmistakably looked exactly like Hubbard.
posted by DecemberBoy at 4:35 PM on January 30 [1 favorite]

At least one of the Simpsons seems to have an abnormally-wide, upper tooth in the centre of their smile.
posted by Rumple at 4:35 PM on January 30 [8 favorites]

ericb: "Howard Stern plays the robocall ."

For those of who you don't speak Scientology: OT VII is, like, heavy shit.
posted by Joe Beese at 4:35 PM on January 30

Moe's tavern. How can I help ya?

Hi, I'm looking for a Mr. Demen, first name Xenu?

Hold on, I'll check. Hey guys! I'm looking for Xenu Deemen! Where's zee nude men? Hey wait a minute, you little puke! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna audit you 'till yer thetan bleeds! You hear me?!

/sorta works
posted by orme at 4:36 PM on January 30 [5 favorites]

Easy Solution:

1. Simpsons writers write an episode making fun of scientologists, their first new idea in ten years.
2. Nancy Cartwright quits in a huff.
3. Then write an episode, complete with awkward spliced-together dialogue from previous episodes, in which Bart goes crazy. Despite Milhouse's best attempts, Bart falls off a cliff.
posted by dunkadunc at 4:36 PM on January 30 [12 favorites]

'Bart Simpson' records Scientology ad; producer responds

“Scientologist Nancy Cartwright, who does the voice of Bart Simpson on ‘The Simpsons,’ has recorded a message in the voice of the iconic animated character promoting the controversial quasi-religious organization.

Cartwright recorded the pitch (audio) for a robocall to boost turn-out for a Scientology event at the organization's Hollywood center. Though she takes care to identify herself by her real name and not her character, she uses the Bart voice at a few points in the recording.

‘This is not authorized by us,’ said ‘Simpsons’ executive producer Al Jean. ‘'The Simpsons' does not, and never has, endorsed any religion, philosophy or system of beliefs any more profound than Butterfinger bars.’ (Okay, it's not Jean's wittiest line).

The move is not only unauthorized, of course, but almost certainly violates Cartwright's contract. Though Fox is remaining mum on the subject, and their legal department is very much looking into the matter, the ‘Simpsons’ characters are owned by Fox. Sure, Scientology is a non-profit group (ahem), but it doesn't matter (a Fox vs. the Church of Scientology lawsuit over the misuse of Bart Simpson? Oh-please, oh-please, oh-please...).”

posted by ericb at 4:37 PM on January 30 [3 favorites]

Easier Solution:

1. Poochie Returns!
posted by Joe Beese at 4:39 PM on January 30 [3 favorites]

Maybe they could fire Cartwright and hire Billy West to do Bart's voice like Ren Hoek's.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:39 PM on January 30 [11 favorites]

And by all rights, Scientology's very existence (along with Schwarzenegger being elected governor) should be a sign of out impending demise. It feels like it should all be out of some dystopian novel or something.
posted by dunkadunc at 4:39 PM on January 30 [1 favorite]

FOX News: Will the Voice of Bart Simpson Get In Trouble for 'Unauthorized' Scientology Call?
posted by ericb at 4:39 PM on January 30

Metafilter: the Mecca of Technical Perfection
posted by Joe Beese at 4:41 PM on January 30

It all makes sense now.
posted by gman at 4:42 PM on January 30

This really doesn't bother me all that much. She's a kook, but she's also the voice of a cartoon on TV, so let her be one.
posted by cell divide at 4:42 PM on January 30

This is why you should not make crazy people into millionaires. They give the money to bad organizations.
posted by Astro Zombie at 4:43 PM on January 30 [2 favorites]

But cell divide, that's, like, copyright infringement, man!
posted by joe lisboa at 4:44 PM on January 30

a Fox vs. the Church of Scientology lawsuit

Better ramp up popcorn and lawn chair production.
posted by rtha at 4:45 PM on January 30

I have some criticisms of Scientology which my lawyer has edited for me.

To say that Scientology is a [REDACTED] rather than a [REDACTED] ignores the reality that it is basically a group of organized [REDACTED] whose central mission is to identify the [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] their money [REDACTED] of helping them better themselves.
posted by BrotherCaine at 4:53 PM on January 30 [2 favorites]

I fail at editing jargon apparently, redacted=censored.
posted by BrotherCaine at 4:54 PM on January 30

Who keeps the metric system down?
Who controls the British crown?
We do! We do!
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:56 PM on January 30 [7 favorites]

This comment is so important that I can't post it until someone makes me an ASCII art sofa I can jump on.
posted by Dumsnill at 4:58 PM on January 30

Marisa Stole the Precious Thing: "We do! We do!"

If you're ever tempted to underestimate the potency of evil possessed by this organization, just remind yourself of this fact: They successfully muscled off the IRS.

The IRS.

There's a "Church of Scientology" en route to our favorite sushi place and I get a chill up my spine passing it each way.
posted by Joe Beese at 5:01 PM on January 30 [2 favorites]

Longtime Scientologist Nancy Cartwright -- best known as the voice of Bart Simpson

Before this phonecall, what exactly was she second-best known for?
posted by Horace Rumpole at 5:03 PM on January 30

Who makes Steve Gutenberg a star?
posted by Brocktoon at 5:04 PM on January 30 [1 favorite]

God bless Bart Simpson.
God bless Nancy Cartwright.
God bless L. Ron Hubbard.
God bless each and everyone who loves or is upset by any or all of the above.
America, what a frickin´ riot, ya gotta love it.
posted by lometogo at 5:06 PM on January 30 [1 favorite]

There's a "Church of Scientology" right down the road from my place, too, I discovered. I'm a little disturbed.
posted by dunkadunc at 5:07 PM on January 30

If you're ever tempted to underestimate the potency of evil possessed by this organization, just remind yourself of this fact: They successfully muscled off the IRS.

The one thing that puts my mind at ease about the CoS is knowing that they're giving /b/tards something to do besides raid Habbo Hotel.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:08 PM on January 30 [1 favorite]

so what? I tell people I call about something I want who I am all the time.

scientology sucks but to remind people who she is and what she is known for is legit.
posted by krautland at 5:08 PM on January 30

Before this phonecall, what exactly was she second-best known for?

Marrying the guy that co-created the Destroyer series?
posted by theroadahead at 5:09 PM on January 30

Note: Bart died on the way back to his home planet
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 5:09 PM on January 30 [10 favorites]

If you're ever tempted to underestimate the potency of evil possessed by this organization, just remind yourself of this fact: They successfully muscled off the IRS.

The IRS.

One of the suggestions for Obama on change.gov is to review Scientology's tax-exempt status. It had like 55,000 votes last time I looked.

The persistent rumor, and of course there's no way to verify this, is that some OSA (Scientology's secret police) goons showed up at the office of a certain top IRS official with evidence, possibly even a videotape, showing that either the IRS guy himself or his son (accounts differ on the details) was fucking underage girls. Supposedly they were granted tax-exempt status very soon afterwards.

If it hasn't been pulled yet again, a video exists of Miscavige at an IAS event positively gloating over being granted tax-exempt staus. It's pretty revealing.
posted by DecemberBoy at 5:11 PM on January 30 [3 favorites]

Marrying the guy that co-created the Destroyer series?

Oh no, he's not a scientologist too is he? I mean they were pulpy as all hell, but I loved the Destroyer series back in the day... I think something inside me just died a little.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 5:14 PM on January 30

DecemberBoy: "If it hasn't been pulled yet again, a video exists of Miscavige at an IAS event positively gloating over being granted tax-exempt staus. It's pretty revealing."

Transcript, with commentary
posted by Joe Beese at 5:14 PM on January 30 [2 favorites]

"The move is not only unauthorized, of course, but almost certainly violates Cartwright's contract."

Yep. I'd bet money on that. I don't have a problem if she wants to give all her money to some wacky cult (although it's foolish and dangerous), but she is bound by terms and did not create Bart Simpson, nor does she own any rights to the character.
posted by krinklyfig at 5:15 PM on January 30

"And by all rights, Scientology's very existence (along with Schwarzenegger being elected governor) should be a sign of out impending demise. It feels like it should all be out of some dystopian novel or something."

Doomsday and other assorted cults have been with us for a very long time. So have utterly ridiculous leaders.
posted by krinklyfig at 5:24 PM on January 30

The move is not only unauthorized, of course, but almost certainly violates Cartwright's contract. Though Fox is remaining mum on the subject, and their legal department is very much looking into the matter, the ‘Simpsons’ characters are owned by Fox.

Much later, it was generally agreed that the Scientology/Fox Wars only precipitated the inevitable scouring of the Earth's crust down to the mantle.
posted by Aquaman at 5:24 PM on January 30

but she is bound by terms and did not create Bart Simpson, nor does she own any rights to the character.

In her fucking awful book, My Life as a Ten Year Old Boy, she brings up several times the fact that she is explicitly not allowed to use Bart's voice to say anything that wasn't written for the show and/or approved by Fox, so if you're interviewing her for college radio or something, don't ask her to do IDs as Bart, etc.

She also doesn't talk about Scientology in the book, saying her beliefs are her own business. Guess she's changed her mind on both fronts.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 5:28 PM on January 30 [6 favorites]

Lentrohamsanin: "She also doesn't talk about Scientology in the book, saying her beliefs are her own business. Guess she's changed her mind on both fronts."

Well, now that Cruise - realizing his few remaining high-earning years were at risk if he didn't - has forced himself to shut up about the bridge LRH built for all of us to achieve total knowingness, I guess one of the B-listers had to pick up the slack.
posted by Joe Beese at 5:38 PM on January 30

Isn't the Bart Simpson voice her actual voice?
posted by troybob at 5:39 PM on January 30

Does does this mean the the Simpsons has jumped the couch? Or just another step in the steeplechase?
posted by jeffburdges at 5:42 PM on January 30

Isn't the Bart Simpson voice her actual voice? No
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:55 PM on January 30 [1 favorite]

It feels like it should all be out of some dystopian novel or something.

Seriously. I can't get over the fact that Scientology is real.
posted by diogenes at 5:59 PM on January 30 [3 favorites]

dunkadunc: "There's a "Church of Scientology" right down the road from my place, too, I discovered. I'm a little disturbed."

Don't we all have Scientology places near us? I've got one just a mile thatta way.
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:07 PM on January 30

One of my best friends lives right down the street from the Scientology celebrity center. They send out memos when they're having party things basically saying, "Hi, we're going to annoy you all night. Deal with it." Ugh.

Yeah, okay, there have been a lot of lame doomsday cults out there, but not many of them have celebrities on TV telling mentally ill people that that their medication is unnecessary. That is why the CoS can go screw off. Beck excluded, of course.
posted by giraffe at 6:21 PM on January 30 [2 favorites]

Before this phonecall, what exactly was she second-best known for?

When I was a kid, there was this TV movie on about a clumsy girl with poor eyesight who was abandoned by her mother to a state institution for the mentally retarded where she was sterilized against her will. Nancy Cartwright was in that.
posted by MegoSteve at 6:30 PM on January 30

Before this phonecall, what exactly was she second-best known for?

The tuba-playing 'Muffin' on the '80s television series Fame (two episodes)?
posted by ericb at 6:32 PM on January 30

Her website (with credits).
posted by ericb at 6:33 PM on January 30

> Beck excluded, of course.

Beck's dead to me. I can't listen to him anymore without thinking "He sounds clever and talented, but he's a fucking Scientologist."
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:04 PM on January 30 [24 favorites]

In Beck's defense, he was born into Scientology. The poor little guy never had a chance.
posted by Joey Michaels at 7:16 PM on January 30 [7 favorites]

Don't we all have Scientology places near us? I've got one just a mile thatta way.

Yes, they're everywhere. (Shiver.)
posted by rokusan at 7:22 PM on January 30

One of the suggestions for Obama on change.gov is to review Scientology's tax-exempt status. It had like 55,000 votes last time I looked.

Since then it's gotten harder to look, so here's the Change.gov results. So damn transparent that I had to work around a redirect and look at source just to find them.

I doubt anything will be done about the tax exemption. Besides whatever juice they have, they'd spin it as a threat to tax exemptions for every religion and shut that idea down right quick.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 7:58 PM on January 30

Ay Carumba, R2-45
posted by Smedleyman at 8:08 PM on January 30 [10 favorites]

R2-45

Oh, that's just fucking gold.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:46 PM on January 30

Before this phonecall, what exactly was she second-best known for?

Getting her first period in the back seat of the getaway car in The Legend of Billie Jean, d'oh.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 9:40 PM on January 30 [1 favorite]

Need more rickrolling at some major scientology center
posted by sanskrtam at 9:59 PM on January 30

Don't we all have Scientology places near us?

Nearest to me is Milwaukee -- but then we've got a Sequoia Academy approved as a public charter school.
posted by dhartung at 10:39 PM on January 30

I for one welcome our new Bart-voiced Scientology overlor-- ah, nevermind.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 10:39 PM on January 30

She was in the Twilight Zone movie, you philistines!
posted by Pope Guilty at 10:50 PM on January 30

Yeah, okay, there have been a lot of lame doomsday cults out there, but not many of them have celebrities on TV telling mentally ill people that that their medication is unnecessary.

Of course, more mainstream religions work to undermin AIDS eradication, suggest homosexuals are a disease who need to be eradicated, hide Nazis in the south of France, or cover decades of child rape, amongst other charming practises. So, you know, maybe they're hoping to become respectable by behaving badly.
posted by rodgerd at 12:34 AM on January 31 [6 favorites]

In trying to figure out how so many celebrities are caught up in this, a friend insists joining has to be a "career move". I don't know if I agree (how many directors, producers, and studio owners are members?), but it's hard to imagine they are all true believers. So what are the ones who know it's BS buying? Those millions could be going towards so many worthy causes.
posted by AppleSeed at 4:48 AM on January 31

Coming soon to a movie theater near you: the actor who plays a cartoon character becomes a cartoon character in real life.
posted by unSane at 5:39 AM on January 31

"In Beck's defense, he was born into Scientology. The poor little guy never had a chance."

Hey, man, I was born into Catholicism, which as cults go has been around far longer, and I recovered just fine.
posted by Eideteker at 7:23 AM on January 31 [1 favorite]

In trying to figure out how so many celebrities are caught up in this, a friend insists joining has to be a "career move". I don't know if I agree (how many directors, producers, and studio owners are members?), but it's hard to imagine they are all true believers.

Here's a list of famous members.

The main thing to remember about the organization is that people willfully submit to it and expose their inner selves to probing examination, which is probably archived.

There was a magician who was famous for hypnotizing people in phone booths merely after sending out a random call. The trick to him was simple. The person who answers the call is so highly suggestible that getting them into a trance on the phone was no problem.
posted by Brian B. at 8:15 AM on January 31

Q: Why was their no fallout from Cartwright when The Simpsons parodied her religion like South Park and Isaac Hayes?

A: Cartwright salary $$$$$$$$$$$ > Hayes


Scientology is f'd up but like the majority of religions and cults it will die out in a couple of generations.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:20 AM on January 31

I think at this point they can just fire Cartwright and use the archives of Bart Simpson dialogue to cobble together whatever speaking roles are written for him in future episodes.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 8:40 AM on January 31

I don't like Scientology, not one bit, but this is a very clever move on Cartwright's part with good timing.

1. They definitely won't fire her for one offense. so she gets to do it once "for free". (They might fine her but she has to be worth millions by now...)

2. By now, everyone who cares knows she's a Scientologist, so it's not like she's "coming out".

3. The show's in the "familiarity breeds contempt" zone - I'll bet that Fox and many of the execs are secretly very pleased to get the free publicity (though I imagine Mr. Groening's pretty disgusted...)
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 9:29 AM on January 31 [1 favorite]

think at this point they can just fire Cartwright and use the archives of Bart Simpson dialogue to cobble together whatever speaking roles are written for him in future episodes.

That true - especially since a lot of the newer episodes are just re-hashed versions of the older episodes.

Cripes, the new episodes suck so bad!

That being said, Nancy also does the voices of Rod and Todd Flanders, as well as Nelson Muntz (who's character I can't stand, but I might be in the minority here)
posted by bitteroldman at 9:33 AM on January 31

Ralph Wiggum too.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 9:44 AM on January 31

I guess the combination of LOLScientology and a Simpsons reference is guaranteed to get big yucks on MeFi, but this is still a crappy single-link post to a minor Yahoo news item.
posted by googly at 10:20 AM on January 31

In trying to figure out how so many celebrities are caught up in this, a friend insists joining has to be a "career move". I don't know if I agree (how many directors, producers, and studio owners are members?), but it's hard to imagine they are all true believers.

There've been some rumors that some members who have second thoughts are held in check by blackmail -- remember, part of reaching "clear" involves going over every dark and disturbing thought or impulse or experience you ever had. It's built-in crowd control -- what's that, famous actor? You're beginning to think this is weird or we don't conduct ourselves in an ethical manner? Hey, remember that time we were running your engrams and you told me about that guy you blew in college when you were high, and how you're really not gay but you kind of liked the thrill of walking the other side of the line? Man, I'm sure honored that you trusted me with that information.

Probably the more common answer is that their more famous members are shielded from the realities of working class people practicing their religion. Celebrities get stuff comped all the time, so they don't ever experience the real expense of making it to clear or OT, so they never have that horrible thought of wondering how real people pay for it. And CoS really wines and dines celebrities to get them to join up. I remember how sad I was when I saw Will Smith joined, and heard him talk about how compatible it was with Christianity -- you know, all the aliens and nuclear bombs and volcanoes they talk about in Leviticus. But I guess dude doesn't know about that stuff, and probably won't find out until it's too late, if at all.
posted by middleclasstool at 10:29 AM on January 31 [1 favorite]

There've been some rumors that some members who have second thoughts are held in check by blackmail -- remember, part of reaching "clear" involves going over every dark and disturbing thought or impulse or experience you ever had. It's built-in crowd control -- what's that, famous actor? You're beginning to think this is weird or we don't conduct ourselves in an ethical manner? Hey, remember that time we were running your engrams and you told me about that guy you blew in college when you were high, and how you're really not gay but you kind of liked the thrill of walking the other side of the line? Man, I'm sure honored that you trusted me with that information.

not unlike confession in the Catholic Church....
posted by Rumple at 11:59 AM on January 31

To their credit, though, the Catholic Church does have the Seal of the Confessional and it's taken very seriously.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 12:04 PM on January 31

'Scientology" even sounds like a fake cult from the Simpsons. Like something Lionel Hutz or Troy McClure would have been a member of.

"Hi, I"m Troy McClure! You might remember me from such educational films as 'L Ron Hubbard: Auditor of the Universe' , and 'The Thetan who saved Christmas'."
posted by Liquidwolf at 6:21 PM on January 31 [7 favorites]

"remember, part of reaching "clear" involves going over every dark and disturbing thought or impulse or experience you ever had."

So Mr.Smedleyman, what's the darkest thing in your mind.
'About 99 percent of the time, I'm really holding myself back from killing anyone near me.'
'...Do....uh....Do you want to kill me right now?'
'Yes.'
'How, uh, is there some measure of..'
'Very badly.'
'I see...Uh...'
'Especially with folks who endanger others or use force inappropriately or unethically. I particularly have a hard time not killing them. Usually I have to hit a heavy bag for several hours.'
'Ah. Well perhaps Scientology isn't for you...uh'
'What? I thought you said you could help me?'
'Ok, uh, calm down there...we have a program called R2-45, would you kill people who are suppressive personalities?
'What!? I'd never harm an innocent person. Are you trying to piss me off?'
'Uh, no, just uh...heh, joking there.'

"Don't we all have Scientology places near us?"

Closest proselytizing religion to me is the Jehovah's witnesses. Although I do occasionally tell them I'm a scientologist or I'm a tlamacazqui of Teotl (typically I get a 'what's that' and a nice throat swallow when I mention Aztec - Last time I was eating a blood orange, which when peeled has kind of a ghoulish look to it if you don't know what it is. Asked if they were there for Tozoztontli - when we give the blood of our captives to the Earth. Those people don't even believe in blood transfusions. Yeah, that was a nice day. They haven't been back.)
posted by Smedleyman at 8:25 PM on January 31 [3 favorites]

I roll around on the ground and beg Xenu to take the deamons out of my head... works pretty well.
posted by zengargoyle at 10:26 PM on January 31

Getting her first period in the back seat of the getaway car in The Legend of Billie Jean, d'oh.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 12:40 AM on January 31 [+] [!]

you're thinking of Yeardley Smith she dose Lisa's voice.
posted by SheMulp AKA Plus 1 at 11:04 PM on January 31

The existence of stuff like this reinforces my belief that Scientology is a big joke perpetrated by the rich and famous. Then I remember the people it has killed, and I'm not so sure.
posted by tehloki at 11:24 PM on January 31

By now there are surely Bart Simpson imitators who can take her job and do it for a tenth of the price.

Or they could pull a Marvel and just kill Bart, only to bring him back to life in a few issues/episodes.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 9:15 PM on February 1