Crocodile sandwich

February 4, 2009 9:50 AM

I'll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy.
posted by cranberrymonger (54 comments total)

I'll have a crocodile sandwich and be quick about it!
posted by Lord_Pall at 9:52 AM on February 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

"It is so huge it just basically blows all other snakes that we've known of out of the water in terms of its size. It is really truly huge."

That's what she said.
posted by orme at 9:58 AM on February 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

"I'll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it swallowed whole by a nightmarish giant serpentoid from a distant misty epoch when gods and demons roamed the EarthLand" said Rangar, Snake Slayer Supreme, casually, to the bartender, who was in reality a nightmarish giant serpentoid in disguise.
posted by Damn That Television at 10:00 AM on February 4 [3 favorites has favorites]

I am glad these things are extinct. I don't think I could bear the thought of even one living on the same planet at the same time as me.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 10:01 AM on February 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

Crikey! Let's grab it by the tail and really piss it off, mate!
posted by stavrogin at 10:02 AM on February 4 [12 favorites has favorites]

Gorilla sandwich, do not want!
posted by steef at 10:03 AM on February 4

So a giant snake walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Holy shit, how did you do that?"
posted by quin at 10:05 AM on February 4 [4 favorites has favorites]

I want this motherfuckin' snake off my motherfuckin' crocodile!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:06 AM on February 4

I used to have this dream that a creek I played in as a child, and occasionally saw black snakes and copperheads near, was filled with enormous constrictors of various types. Filled to the point that the entire creek bed was covered in these brown and black writhing masses and would lash out at me whenever I touched the water. Even as an adult the dreams were disturbing enough to wake me up in a sweat. I haven't had this dream in years.

I guess it'll be coming back shortly.
posted by Science! at 10:06 AM on February 4 [2 favorites has favorites]

Sorry, I don't have time to eat in. Can I just carry the sandwich out in my handbag?
posted by Spatch at 10:09 AM on February 4

Thestar.com needs work on spelling.
posted by Mister_A at 10:09 AM on February 4

When trailers for "The Love Guru" were circulating, I remember laughing at the bit where Mike Myers ordered "alligator soup, and make it snappy. You see, because alligators are snappy and also, I want it prompt."

That's probably the only good memory anyone will ever have about "The Love Guru."
posted by sjuhawk31 at 10:10 AM on February 4

And which aquatic vertebrates in particular?
"Primitive crocodiles," Head says, adding the serpents would have swallowed their toothy victims whole.


It couldn't have eaten Sarcosuchus this way -- Sarcosuchus was larger... and may have enjoyed snake entrees as do its contemporary descendants.
posted by terranova at 10:10 AM on February 4

"Researchers remarked that the snake was frigidus vectus, more commonly known as 'cold-hearted.' Using simulation software, paleontologists analyzed the snake's eyes, and were startled to learn that the male snake likely made misrepresentations to its female counterparts."
posted by brain_drain at 10:10 AM on February 4 [4 favorites has favorites]

This illustration shows what the giant snake "Titanoboa cerrejonensis" might have looked like if it looked nothing like what the article describes it as: much shorter than a bus, smaller than the crocodile it supposedly ate and easily able to slither through a doorway.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 10:12 AM on February 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

Oh, and apparently snakes eating crocodiles is not that uncommon.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 10:17 AM on February 4

This illustration shows what the giant snake "Titanoboa cerrejonensis" might have looked like if it were three feet long and in the extreme foreground of the picture.
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:18 AM on February 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

Thestar.com needs work on spelling.

Americans aren't allowed to say that.
posted by gman at 10:20 AM on February 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

Schnappi, the little crocodile, is glad snakes got smaller.
posted by nickyskye at 10:23 AM on February 4

So, is it quite large then?
posted by Meatbomb at 10:24 AM on February 4

Cretaceous cage match: Titanoboa vs. Sarchosuchus
posted by stargell at 10:26 AM on February 4

Wait, why do warmer temperatures correlate with larger reptiles? The amount of heat an animal (even a cold-blooded one) produces internally scales with volume like L^3, the amount it loses to the environment at a given temperature scales with surface area like L^2, and I'd think that increasing the production/loss ratio would be a good thing in colder temperatures, not warmer ones.
posted by roystgnr at 10:28 AM on February 4

An ancient snake as long as a bus and weighing about the same as a car, probably ate crocodiles for lunch, a University of Toronto researcher says.

Feed the snake, Feed the snake
Be the cake, the cake is a lie, baby
The snake is long, as a bus
Feed the snake... he's vile, he eats crocodiles

The breast is the best
The breast tastes the best
Get here, and he'll do digest

The blue bus is crushin' us
The blue bus is crushin' us
Driver, havin' us for lunch

The killer awoke before dawn
He put his boots on
They were snakeskin boots
Big as a bus
The end
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:37 AM on February 4

Since I haven't really been up on my dinosaurs since I was 7 years old, the Allasaurus was new to me. I think that it's supposed to be Allosaurus, or possibly Allah-saurus. But to be fair, none of the 3 options are covered by my less-than-comprehensive spell-check review (Firefox and MS Word 2003).
posted by filthy light thief at 10:45 AM on February 4

By comparing the size of the bones to those of living boas, the researchers were able to extrapolate the ancient anaconda's size, Head says.

Boy, those are some brave researchers; I bet those boas didn't like that one bit.
posted by charlesminus at 10:47 AM on February 4 [2 favorites has favorites]

The linked story glosses over the interesting point on climate change. From New Scientist:

Jason Head at the University of Toronto, Canada, and colleagues dug up the 60-million-year-old relative of the boa constrictor in a Colombian coal mine (Nature, DOI: 10.1038/nature07671). Temperature can affect body size, and for the snake to grow to 13 metres long and weigh over 1 tonne, the tropics would have to have been at about 33 °C, 7 °C warmer than today's average.

posted by monju_bosatsu at 11:02 AM on February 4

I just have to ask: Weren't there any prehistoric creatures that were cute and cuddly?
posted by tommasz at 11:07 AM on February 4

You know, I don't have a snake phobia, but let me say, for the record, "aaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
posted by marginaliana at 11:12 AM on February 4

I've gotten so used to junk reporting from the science rags that I fully expected this article to be fluff and conjecture from start to finish. Imagine my surprise when, halfway through the damned article, they actually deign to mention that bones have been found. Luckily, after that single fact-based sentence, the rest of the article again veers into rampant speculation.
posted by lekvar at 11:14 AM on February 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

"alligator soup, and make it snappy. You see, because alligators are snappy and also, I want it prompt."

See, that's the problem with humor these days. Let the joke explain itself - it's so much funnier without his explanation.
posted by ORthey at 11:27 AM on February 4

I just have to ask: Weren't there any prehistoric creatures that were cute and cuddly?

Look into prehistoric mammals. Giant beavers! Tiny elephants! Of course you also have stuff like 'bone-crushing dog'...
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:29 AM on February 4

See, that's the problem with humor these days. Let the joke explain itself - it's so much funnier without his explanation.

But the fact that the joke is funnier without the explanation is, itself, the joke! Mmm recursion.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:30 AM on February 4

But the fact that the joke is funnier without the explanation is, itself, the joke! Mmm recursion.

I guess I should actually watch the movie to decide. But then I'd have to watch that movie.
posted by ORthey at 11:33 AM on February 4

Further proof that the magic goes away.
posted by GuyZero at 11:34 AM on February 4

tommasz : I just have to ask: Weren't there any prehistoric creatures that were cute and cuddly?

Certainly! Just look at the Bullockornis. Sure, it's common name was "the demon duck of doom" but that's all just bad propaganda. Apart from the fact that they were eight feet tall, five hundred pound carnivores, I'm sure they were very friendly. I mean, they are just really big meat eating ducks, right?

How scary could that really be?
posted by quin at 11:41 AM on February 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

"It would barely be able to squeeze through an average household door."

No no no no no no no no no no no.
posted by bokane at 11:53 AM on February 4

Jason Head at the University of Toronto, Canada, and colleagues dug up the 60-million-year-old relative of the boa constrictor in a Colombian coal mine (Nature, DOI: 10.1038/nature07671). Temperature can affect body size, and for the snake to grow to 13 metres long and weigh over 1 tonne, the tropics would have to have been at about 33 °C, 7 °C warmer than today's average.

Just imagine the size of the snakes that live IN THE SUN!!!!
posted by blue_beetle at 11:54 AM on February 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

quin: "tommasz : I just have to ask: Weren't there any prehistoric creatures that were cute and cuddly?

Certainly! Just look at the Bullockornis. Sure, it's common name was "the demon duck of doom" but that's all just bad propaganda. Apart from the fact that they were eight feet tall, five hundred pound carnivores, I'm sure they were very friendly. I mean, they are just really big meat eating ducks, right?

How scary could that really be?"

So even millions of years ago Australia had the weirdest animals on Earth? What an odd island.
posted by Science! at 12:00 PM on February 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

I just have to ask: Weren't there any prehistoric creatures that were cute and cuddly?

Yeah but Titanofluffy just doesn't have that ring to it. There's newspapers to be sold here.
posted by mannequito at 12:10 PM on February 4

Alligator soup, alligator soup,
If I don't get some I thin I'm gonna poop
Take away my roller skates, take away my hoop,
But don't take away my alligator soup.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:14 PM on February 4

Why was everyone bigger then? Is there an explanation?
posted by gorgor_balabala at 12:16 PM on February 4

And in Sacramento, California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger wearily struggles into his loincloth, hefts his sword and says, "I'll be back."
posted by SPrintF at 12:42 PM on February 4

Giant beavers!

Thanks, I just had it stuffed. Into the mouth of a bus-sized snake.
posted by backseatpilot at 1:00 PM on February 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

Forget making another Turducken for Easter. I'm making a BoaCrocoEaver.
posted by porpoise at 1:05 PM on February 4

The question is, was there ever a snake big enough to eat Ice Cube?
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:59 PM on February 4

So now we're gonna have scientists fighting over who's found the biggest snake. Just a guess: they're all men.
posted by jamstigator at 3:05 PM on February 4

Dagnabit, I assumed this thread was about motherfucking sandwiches.
posted by homunculus at 3:21 PM on February 4

Interesting paleontological tidbit: Selandian construction workers used to use the T. cerrejonensis' shed skin as rubbish chutes on tall building projects, efficiently moving rubble and other detritus from the higher levels to a garbage receptacle on the ground.

More often than not, this receptacle was a hippopotamus' mouth. Also there was a kind of bird which functioned as a stopwork whistle, letting the labourers know when they could have lunch.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:04 PM on February 4

"Oh great, brontosaurus on rye again. Y'know, we've been eating this fucking thing since Thanksgiving and it feels like it's never going to end."

"But Thanksgiving was almost a year ago."

"Dude, brontosaurus."
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:06 PM on February 4

Crikey! Let's grab it by the tail and really piss it off, mate!

"That's not a snayke. THIS is a snayke!"

Wait, what?
posted by miss lynnster at 5:30 PM on February 4

"Dagnabit, I assumed this thread was about motherfucking sandwiches."

Your post had a lot less mystery meat in the sandwich.
posted by Mitheral at 6:16 PM on February 4

"That's not a snayke. THIS is a snayke!"

That's not a snake. That's a spoon.

I see you've played Snakey-Spooney before!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:32 PM on February 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

That's no spoon...that's a space station.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:30 PM on February 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

Picture of 100ft-long 'snake' sparks fears of mythical monster in Borneo
posted by homunculus at 2:24 PM on February 20