Streets of fire, desire etc......

February 5, 2009 6:07 AM

Amazing Archaeological Discovery! Hair-metal fans said to be stunned.
posted by KevinSkomsvold (44 comments total)

This place has become Metalfilter in the past day or so.
posted by gman at 6:12 AM on February 5

Love the lyrics.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:14 AM on February 5

Sound man's resignation (for the tl;dr set).
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 6:17 AM on February 5

Makes David Lee Roth look like Oscar Wilde in comparison. or something.

"I'm just a gigolo and everywhere I go, people say the same about me."
posted by DU at 6:24 AM on February 5

"I'm just a gigolo and everywhere I go, people say the same about me."

That wasn't his. I'm hot for teacher! was, though. Just sayin'.
posted by jimmythefish at 6:37 AM on February 5

That wasn't his. I'm hot for teacher! was, though. Just sayin'.
posted by jimmythefish at 8:37 AM on February 5

I don't feel tardy.
posted by Ynoxas at 6:40 AM on February 5

This box should go directly and without further molestation, straight to the Smithsonian.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:43 AM on February 5 [2 favorites]

My affection for you soars

I guess this is not an intentional homonym for "sores".
posted by greensweater at 6:45 AM on February 5

Baby my love is like a whale
harpooned by your heart
it's an epic case of fail
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 6:51 AM on February 5

Please don't miss this gem: All Along The Watchtower In Whoville
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:52 AM on February 5

When I see your face
And your emotions of love
You know how it makes me feel.

Endlessly our love will be sight. Hell yeah.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:52 AM on February 5

I was originally going to say "The only thing worse than driving 55 is NOT driving 55". Still not DLR, apparently, but if I may quote Cecil Adams "General Mills doesn't make cornflakes".
posted by DU at 6:55 AM on February 5

*tschhhhh* Calling Dr. Songsmith. Dr. Songsmith to thread 78908. Dr. Songsmith to thread 78908. *tschhh*
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:56 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

Sammy Hagar was an abysmal font of mediocrity.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:59 AM on February 5

OMFG I have one of those cases, bought at (now defunct) Thoroughbred Music. I've been using it to keep my effects pedals in since probably the late '70's.

Sadly, it too is kind of filled with fail.
posted by lordrunningclam at 7:01 AM on February 5

Wait!--Something's definitely not right here. In the last picture you can see a paycheck envelope.
posted by applemeat at 7:03 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]

All Along The Watchtower In Whoville

Wow. Just wow. I'll be honest, though: I get all sorts of anxious and embarrassed at writing lyrics. Makes me wish, actually, that I was a little more like this guy. Just a little, though.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:05 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

Somebody should produce an indie documentary where they go around and try to dig up more information about this particular hair-rawk outfit, using the contents of this case to find clues, tracking down the members of the band to interview them about what they've done since the band broke up and what their personal stories are. Then at the end, the film could try to get all the original guys from the band together again for one last bar gig...
posted by saulgoodman at 7:13 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]

obviously dude was a BASS PLAYER, and didn't like to throw his strings away, so there's like 10 old sets of bass strings.

Why does it always have to be the bass player.
posted by availablelight at 7:13 AM on February 5

Maybe this is viral advertising for the Spinal Tap reunion.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 7:15 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

> Why does it always have to be the bass player.

Because the drummer won't keep his broken sticks.
posted by ardgedee at 7:25 AM on February 5

Why does it always have to be the bass player.

It's all we have to cling to, as the guitar players and even sometimes the drummer, get away with all the girls while we sit silently against the wall next to the leftover carrot sticks on the deli tray. We don't get shown in the videos. Our songs never make the albums. These sad little memories in a box are what makes us the bass player.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:36 AM on February 5 [2 favorites]

But what does one do with an EPIC BOX OF FAIL such as this?

One keeps referring to it as an EPIC BOX OF FAIL whenever possible in as loud a voice as one can muster. Just so everyone around you knows how incredibly cool you are. In fact, you should totally document your clever witticisms and store them in some kind of container, that way when someone finds it by the side of the road in 25 years, they can keep the cycle of awesome alive.

Seriously, I don't know which is more worthy of my derision, the box of stuff or the guy writing about it.

*looks at band photos*

Ok, the stuff. But it's almost too close to call.
posted by quin at 7:43 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]

Yeah, I don't get why this is an epic of box fail. They did a lot more than some loser mocking them on the Internet. (They didn't do it *better* they just did *more*.)
posted by DU at 7:45 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

Agree about the Smithsonian. If Archie Bunker's chair is in there (no doubt prompting increasing levels of "huh?" as the years go by) then this failure pile in a sadness box needs to be in there, too.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 7:46 AM on February 5

Or the guy writing about the guy writing about it. Or me writing about the guy writing about the guy writing about it.
posted by Kiwi at 7:50 AM on February 5

isn't it more a box of epic fail?

*ducks*
posted by By The Grace of God at 7:54 AM on February 5

DU, dost thou protest too much?
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:02 AM on February 5

I can't even play the kazoo, let alone do I have big hair.
posted by DU at 8:10 AM on February 5

"Club Ectasy"

Vallies and castles
Spread across the devine
I feel them intervine
For what thou hold
The passage to my heart
The key to the Everlasting Tree
Doc Seuss is coming to the castle tonight
You can't miss me
Please
I am the Cat Dressed
In black and white
Doc Suess is coming to the castle tonight
Standing at the bar
Waiting to get my bomb tonight
Look at me
Oh can't you see
Please
The bomb is starting to hit me
Doc Seuss Is Coming To The Castle Tonight
On no why won't someone
Pick me up
Can't they see
Please
The bombs catching up on me
Doc Seuss Is Coming To The Castle Tonight
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 8:16 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I don't get why this is an epic of box fail. They did a lot more than some loser mocking them on the Internet. (They didn't do it *better* they just did *more*.)

At least they had the god damned common courtesy to throw that case in the garbage and not subject their offspring to "Daddy once played in a rock and roll band. Here let me show you this box...."
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 8:20 AM on February 5 [2 favorites]

This case is dented, rusted,
like my heart in your hands,
filled with broken dreams,
like a rose crushed under a black stiletto heel.
posted by CynicalKnight at 8:21 AM on February 5

Man, I was hoping for like, mummified remains of some ancient dude doing "metal horns." And this is what I get?

EPIC FAIL, INDEED.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:38 AM on February 5 [2 favorites]

I feel a great deal of affection for the former owner of that case, and his bandmates. I hope they are all happy with where life has taken them.
posted by not that girl at 8:57 AM on February 5 [2 favorites]

Sammy Hagar was an abysmal font of mediocrity.

Worse than Comic Sans?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:58 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

did anyone else think those looked like flat-wound bass strings? in a hair band? something fishy here. . .
posted by barrett caulk at 9:28 AM on February 5

Worse than Comic Sans?

Worse even than Wingdings.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:46 AM on February 5

People who make fun of bad dancing and bad lyric irritate the hell out of me. That is all.
posted by Squid Voltaire at 10:20 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

Worse than Comic Sans?

Sammy Hagar is the Remedy Double-extras of mediocrity.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:32 AM on February 5

People who make fun of bad dancing and bad lyric irritate the hell out of me. That is all.

May you be irritated without interstice for so long as there is Metafilter.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:34 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

I don't know what to make of the resignation letter. The whole box seems authentic but for that one letter. The lyrics seem too juvenile to belong to a band that made it far enough to have actually hired a half-literate sound engineer.
posted by Dragonness at 2:03 PM on February 5

Hoo-boy, am I conflicted now.

On the one hand, having written a number of songs myself, I don't want to even imagine what my lyrics would look like, without any musical context, anonymously thrown to the reasoned judgment of the internet. Nobody deserves that.

On the other hand, those lyrics are objectively awful, to the point where I propse that the next MeFi Music contest be one of trying to write the music around them that would make the lyrics somehow not be laughably bad.

But back to the first hand, it's not like the dude was trying to write bad lyrics, it's just something he was no damn good at. That's not the way he expresses himself, just like dance is most certainly not a way in which I can express myself.

But on the other hand:

When I look in my heart
And feel I could of lost a part
it makes every sunny day
wish my girl Lisa was here today

I mean christ almighty.

Anyway, Here's where I landed.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:18 PM on February 5

The guitarist of Anvil played guitar with a vibrator. This seems the most relevant place to unload this piece of trivia.
posted by ersatz at 2:41 PM on February 5

Featuring the touching, introspective pro-life anthem (I think?) "Staying Alive":

Can she see
The sadness in my eye
It takes strength not to cry
They walk and stare
Can they see
I just want to say hi!
Maybe touch their life
They just make me
Want to cry, but I try just
To say hi!
Life is too short
How can people abort
Can they see
Theirs a baby trying to be [sic]
Not a human doing
But a human being (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ha...oh man - ed)
Don't you know they got feeling
It's much easier to say by
Or not to try
Ten years gonna go by
120 months since he was denied
Won't someone take
The esesence life [sic]
Take advantage of being alive
It's like having the power
To make a decision
Life or death
Taken away my breath
Miracle or decision

Now imagine this... masterpiece... being sung over an over-the-top buttrock power ballad, a la "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". That would basically be the worst and greatest thing ever at once.
posted by DecemberBoy at 10:30 PM on February 5