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This is Why You're Fat
February 9, 2009 4:29 PM   Subscribe

This is Why You're Fat.
posted by empath (111 comments total) 18 users marked this as a favorite

 
I wanted this so much to be a Weird Al Yankovic parody of Mims, "This Is Why I'm Hot." Weird Al, is there no musical trend that you cannot cannibalize?
posted by jonp72 at 4:34 PM on February 9, 2009


I only made it down to the second photo (the corn-dog pizza) before I threw up. So I can thank it for a net weight loss.
posted by The Card Cheat at 4:34 PM on February 9, 2009 [1 favorite]


It made me hungry and I wouldn't eat nearly any of that stuff.
posted by cjorgensen at 4:34 PM on February 9, 2009


Guilty as charged (except I'm not fat, yet).
posted by sciurus at 4:39 PM on February 9, 2009 [3 favorites]


I clicked through to the "Super Tuber" only to find out the example shown is actually made with a tofu hot dog. I feel betrayed.
posted by mullacc at 4:39 PM on February 9, 2009 [2 favorites]


That website makes me feel like I am rubbernecking a food disaster.
posted by incompressible at 4:40 PM on February 9, 2009 [3 favorites]


Augh Jesus.
I've already eaten like 7 rugelach and 1 brownie and some ice cream today and that website just turned me off to food.
posted by 235w103 at 4:41 PM on February 9, 2009


Better food porn.
posted by eyeballkid at 4:42 PM on February 9, 2009 [6 favorites]


The Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt made me slaver, and I just had a big dinner.
posted by languagehat at 4:46 PM on February 9, 2009


I think I just puked a little in my mouth. Who eats this shit?
posted by MaryDellamorte at 4:47 PM on February 9, 2009


wow, 10 posts in and metadotted. or whatever. Is it on digg or reddit or something?
posted by empath at 4:48 PM on February 9, 2009


I often just browse flickr and look at what other people are cooking. This is just as good.
posted by Science! at 4:48 PM on February 9, 2009


Yes to digg and reddit and many other sites. Also, will not end well.
posted by fixedgear at 4:49 PM on February 9, 2009


I did, in fact, laugh at the corndog pizza. But as much as I like pizza and as much as I like corndogs, they are probably not two great tastes that taste great together.
posted by maxwelton at 4:52 PM on February 9, 2009


Golden brown, baby, golden brown. The food color of champions.*

* OK, champion sumo wrestlers or some such.
posted by maxwelton at 4:54 PM on February 9, 2009


You got your Corn-Dog Pizza on my Turbaconucken! No! You got your Turbaconucken on my Corn-Dog Pizza!
posted by jamstigator at 4:56 PM on February 9, 2009


Dear AskMe,
I left my 16lb Breakfast Burrito on the countertop overnight. Was it ever safe to eat?
posted by kuujjuarapik at 5:02 PM on February 9, 2009 [19 favorites]


[few comments removed - can we please not pre-fuck a thread by predicting that it will go poorly? thanks.]
posted by jessamyn at 5:04 PM on February 9, 2009 [6 favorites]



I think I just puked a little in my mouth


Now spit it on a plate and post it on that site.
posted by scarello at 5:05 PM on February 9, 2009 [3 favorites]


I think there's some stuff in there that could be modified to be only really bad for you, as opposed to OH MY GOD DON'T EAT THAT.

And sick as I am of the bacon meme, bacon taco shells could be pretty good.
posted by Bookhouse at 5:06 PM on February 9, 2009


It's glandular, I swear!
posted by Rinku at 5:07 PM on February 9, 2009


I WANT THAT OREO. And the french-fry wrapped hot dog.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:08 PM on February 9, 2009 [1 favorite]


I just feel tired.
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 5:08 PM on February 9, 2009


"Bob Evans Sausage Gravy Machine" is a great name for a band.
As a name for a food product dispenser it's an abomination past imagining.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 5:09 PM on February 9, 2009 [2 favorites]


I can definitively say this is not why I'm fat.
posted by Foosnark at 5:09 PM on February 9, 2009 [1 favorite]


This is why I'm not fat.
posted by Tube at 5:12 PM on February 9, 2009


Eh, I'll eat a salad tomorrow and it'll balance out.
posted by naju at 5:12 PM on February 9, 2009


This is not why I'm fat. I'm fat because I ate your mom.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:15 PM on February 9, 2009 [4 favorites]


Lookin' good, Tube.
posted by ikahime at 5:16 PM on February 9, 2009


guilty! also not yet fat.
posted by jessamyn at 5:23 PM on February 9, 2009 [1 favorite]


I eat stuff like that whenever I want and I'm thin as a rail. So much for that.
posted by jonmc at 5:23 PM on February 9, 2009


Obama just said pork in the news conference and I though about b*con.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:24 PM on February 9, 2009


YO DAWG WE HEARD YOU LIKE STUFFING YOUR VILE GREASY SLAB OF A FACE SO WE DEEP-FRIED YOUR DEEP-FRIES SO YOU CAN CORONARY WHILE YOU CORONARY
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:25 PM on February 9, 2009 [3 favorites]


That is why you're fat.
posted by IvoShandor at 5:29 PM on February 9, 2009


There is almost nothing better than a deep-fried Mars bar.
posted by Evangeline at 5:31 PM on February 9, 2009


> Eh, I'll eat a salad tomorrow and it'll balance out.

Why wait til tomorrow? Eat a handful of radishes along with the cheese-filled deep fried bacon ice cream cake and they'll fight it out inside. The radishes are so much healthier, they're bound to win.
posted by jfuller at 5:33 PM on February 9, 2009 [2 favorites]


Obama just said pork in the news conference and I though about b*con.

He also just used the phrase 'ginned-up' which made me think of gin.
posted by jonmc at 5:33 PM on February 9, 2009 [1 favorite]


I wanted this so much to be a Weird Al Yankovic parody of Mims, "This Is Why I'm Hot."

This should be saved for a parody of Al Gore's "Inconvenient Truth" presentation, entitled, of course, "This is why it's hot."
posted by weston at 5:33 PM on February 9, 2009 [3 favorites]


jonmc thinking of gin has made me think of gin.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:35 PM on February 9, 2009 [2 favorites]


the last thing i want in my corn dog pizza is a distracting wooden stick.
posted by man vs sun at 5:35 PM on February 9, 2009 [3 favorites]


Give me a few minutes to get to the bathtub, dude.
posted by jonmc at 5:37 PM on February 9, 2009


Also. From The Meaning of Life. Mr. Creosote.
posted by jfuller at 5:37 PM on February 9, 2009


Ummmm, where can I get my hands on the Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt?

And for those who need it, Eamon's in Old Town Alexandria sells the Deep Fried Milky Way bar. They also have the 'batter burger' (deep fried hamburger) and 'batter sausage' (same concept!). I'm just sayin.
posted by matty at 5:40 PM on February 9, 2009


Awesome and frightening. If I were on a healthy-eating kick, I'd find these foods disgusting. But I'm not, and I'm currently hungry, so I find these foods awesome.
posted by zardoz at 5:44 PM on February 9, 2009


turgid dahlia's name has made me think about smoking a fatty boombatty blunt.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:45 PM on February 9, 2009


I get chest pains just looking at that site.
posted by mds35 at 5:45 PM on February 9, 2009


Pre-fuck is my new favorite verb.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:04 PM on February 9, 2009 [12 favorites]


It's like the poor glutton's version of gluttony is a bliss (which appears to be on a Mexican kick at the moment).
posted by PY at 6:04 PM on February 9, 2009


One time intakes of even crazy foods like corndogbaconpizzafries aren't going to make you fat. THIS is why you are fat.
posted by DU at 6:13 PM on February 9, 2009 [2 favorites]


I did once try a deep-fried Mars bar at a carnival, and it was revolting. Never again.
posted by peggynature at 6:13 PM on February 9, 2009


You are obviously not drinking enough.
posted by jonmc at 6:22 PM on February 9, 2009


That was extremely entertaining.
posted by Toecutter at 6:23 PM on February 9, 2009


I don't think apple pie topped with cheddar cheese counts. That's a classic.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 6:34 PM on February 9, 2009


I hate to admit this, but I did some salivating over those pictures. Though I don't often eat fast food or anything fried, and it's been well over a decade since I had an Oreo, and there are lots of other foods I'd probably rather eat, given the choice. It's, well, food, and it's in front of me. Ans I'm not full. Of course it's going to have a certain appeal.
posted by orange swan at 6:39 PM on February 9, 2009


I'm thinking the grilled-white-bread-and-american-cheese-smashed-flat as a bun could be strategically deployed for maximum deliciousness without all the silly overkill of bacon and multiple hamburger patties. Maybe just slap some pulled pork and pickles between two crunchy, yet gooey, Sammich Buns (TM).
posted by Bookhouse at 6:46 PM on February 9, 2009


I had Loaded Potato Bites at Arby's today. They were good.
posted by jonmc at 7:05 PM on February 9, 2009


I felt ill up until probably the most disgusting thing (by probable group consensus): the sausage gravy machine. I am trying to lose weight, and I've turned corner where, honestly, overly-greasy food kind of makes me feel sick, mostly because I haven't had very much of it recently.

But, but... SAUSAGE GRAVY IS A GIFT FROM THE GODS!
posted by Ghidorah at 7:06 PM on February 9, 2009


without all the silly overkill of bacon

Excuse me, what?
posted by Hildegarde at 7:15 PM on February 9, 2009 [3 favorites]


I expected a single-link ADM post.
posted by oaf at 7:16 PM on February 9, 2009


I can't believe I felt gross for eating maple bacon lollipops. Christ, I'm practically Michael Pollan compared to these diners.
posted by elizardbits at 7:18 PM on February 9, 2009


Meat Ship. MEAT fucking SHIP.
posted by emjaybee at 7:23 PM on February 9, 2009 [4 favorites]


Like many above, I thought a few of the items look like clever combinations if not tempting. In smaller portions consumed, say, every five years, they would be no more unhealthy than a normal portion of cocido madrileƱo or seared foie gras. And maybe quite delicious. Spaghetti & Meatball Dinner on a stick is, what, a few noodles, a spoonful of beef, batter, sauce? But I'm not one to run away from deep frying.
posted by noway at 7:24 PM on February 9, 2009


Most of the people in those photos aren't fat at all. In fact they look very very happy.
posted by jessamyn at 7:29 PM on February 9, 2009


bad week to go on a diet.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:39 PM on February 9, 2009


I have something kinda gross to ask.. has anyone else noticed that your shit turns black after eating a lot of Oreos? Only me? K, seeya later.
posted by autodidact at 8:20 PM on February 9, 2009


In fact they look very very happy.

Know who else looked happy?
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:21 PM on February 9, 2009


Most of the people in those photos aren't fat at all. In fact they look very very happy.

Of course the people in the photos aren't fat at all. If they were fat, they wouldn't like to photographed. BUT, you can catch a glimpse of knuckles that go inward in the 3rd photo.

Sorry.
posted by hal_c_on at 8:21 PM on February 9, 2009


has anyone else noticed that your shit turns black after eating a lot of Oreos?

Yeah, I was gonna say something.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:23 PM on February 9, 2009


The Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt looks like something I'd make when I was stoned.

Wait. I've probably made and consumed something like that. Many times.

/can't seem to break 140lbs @ 5'9"
posted by porpoise at 8:23 PM on February 9, 2009


You know, absolutely nothing here so far looks appetizing.
posted by cmgonzalez at 8:29 PM on February 9, 2009


I'm pretty sure I was meant to have that giant KitKat at some point in my life. For a birthday or something. Please.
posted by kerning at 8:31 PM on February 9, 2009 [1 favorite]


that double bacon fatty melt is really tempting - but i'm learning to just say no

woah, that's a deep dish pizza
posted by pyramid termite at 8:49 PM on February 9, 2009


wait til you see the krispy kreme bacon cheddar cheeseburgers - a lot of this stuff is just WRONG
posted by pyramid termite at 8:52 PM on February 9, 2009


The Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt made me slaver, and I just had a big dinner.

About six months ago, I sent a picture of that to a buddy of mine. He told me that if I did the cooking, he'd bring the ingredients. So we went for it. It was awesome in every way. But unlike some meals that you can't really have more than once a month, or a couple of times a year, that was one of those meals that you can only ever eat once. It's just what the doctor ordered...you not to consume. You just aren't permitted to do it twice. Each burger/sandwich/whatever was something like 1800 calories and 80g of fat. Not even your pitiful American fast food places have more than one or two items that can rival such an unnecessary product.

This is a sandwich with its own body count.

On the other hand, my buddy hasn't got an ounce of fat on him and never exercises. I hate him with the white hot heat of a thousand suns.
posted by ten pounds of inedita at 9:56 PM on February 9, 2009 [1 favorite]


ten pounds of inedita: heh.
When I was a high school student, I worked for a certain multinational fast food corporation mainly associated with hamburgers. Yeah, you know, the one with the clown.
After close one night one of my coworkers and I were discussing the logical endpoints of the hamburgers we made all evening.
"If we make quarter pounder burgers, why not a pounder burger?"
Some sizzling later, we had ourselves a heavy, fatty monstrosity.
"That's cool. But what if we made a four pounder?"
Some more sizzling later, we had ourselves a horrible, horrible, vast fatty monstrosity. Holy hell.
"Sixteen pounder?"
That was as far as we got before we got cursed out by the manager and told to clean up and go home. I think I'm glad now that we stepped back from that exponential abyss.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 10:04 PM on February 9, 2009


Is it cuz I'm fly?
posted by Navelgazer at 10:16 PM on February 9, 2009


can we please not pre-fuck a thread

Coitus interruptus, baby!
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:17 PM on February 9, 2009


My run-in with the fry-coated hotdog.

It was OK. Too much fry, not enough dog.
posted by bardic at 12:53 AM on February 10, 2009


I was going to come on here and ask, in all-caps, "Where's the poutine?!!" but I see that jessamyn linked to some. Nonetheless, here's where you go for some serious poutine-related food pr0n (and recipes!).
posted by LMGM at 12:53 AM on February 10, 2009


They also have the 'batter burger' (deep fried hamburger) and 'batter sausage' (same concept!).

The batter burger and battered sausage are staples of the Irish diet.
posted by minifigs at 1:27 AM on February 10, 2009


I had four teeth extracted a few hours ago and I can't even drink a glass of water yet. I'm looking at these terrifying absurdities to stave off hunger for a while.
posted by plant at 1:53 AM on February 10, 2009


Oh hell no, don't you dare include king cake.

Everyone should make their own king cake. Once you spend all that time kneading, you've worked out enough to merit eating the whole damn thing.
posted by Katemonkey at 1:56 AM on February 10, 2009


Right! Off to the kitchen!
posted by bosun_bones at 5:17 AM on February 10, 2009


If you are going to get super fattening then do it right. A lot of these things looked stupidly gross. Who the hell eats a ketchup and maple syrup flavored pizza? Yuck! Go here and if your left arm going numb half way through, smack your chest once or twice to get the old girl working again.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 5:32 AM on February 10, 2009


French Fry-Encased Hot Dog On A Stick? If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
posted by taz at 6:36 AM on February 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


I would try most of these. A few I have tried. And I can authoritatively say that cheesecake on a stick is all kinds of awesome.

I love me some poutine, when I can get it, but I'd always felt it had one small weakness, that the standard-shaped fries used didn't convey enough of the toppings. After seeing this, the solution—using waffle fries—is one of those things that's obvious in retrospect, yet it had never occurred to me before.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 6:48 AM on February 10, 2009


Speaking as someone from Rochester, NY I am personally thrilled the Garbage Plate is the first thing I saw on that link. We may have high crime, lousy weather and an eroding city but we've got the greatest bad food on the planet!
posted by tommasz at 6:59 AM on February 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Whatever doesn't kill you is just begging for a second coating of bacon and butter.
posted by Flipping_Hades_Terwilliger at 7:05 AM on February 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


pyramid termite - woah, that's a deep dish pizza

Isn't that just a quiche?
posted by porpoise at 7:22 AM on February 10, 2009


There is one reason why i am fat. I am typing on it now!
posted by Goofyy at 7:35 AM on February 10, 2009


Some were weird, some gross... But "deep fried coca-cola"? Can someone explain that to me?
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 7:43 AM on February 10, 2009


Isn't that just a quiche?

A quiche has a custard-based filling. There are generally no eggs in a Chicago-style pizza.

But "deep fried coca-cola"? Can someone explain that to me?

Coca-cola syrup—the stuff that's mixed with carbonated water to make Coke at fountains—is used as a flavoring and sweetener in a batter, which is then deep-fried.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:06 AM on February 10, 2009


Holy fuck.

Okay, I'm fat, and I can honestly say, that is not why. That's just... I just dry-heaved into my wastebasket at work. Thanks, guys!
posted by cereselle at 8:14 AM on February 10, 2009


Garbage Plates are so yummy. They take care of your needed 3 daily meals in one sitting. They also keep your protein and lipid / carb needs up to par in the Winter time. If you were from Rochester, NY you would understand.
posted by celerystick at 8:18 AM on February 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Welsh Rarebit? Welsh Rarebit is in there with Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburgers? C'mon.

Thankfully, that's the only thing I've had listed on that website.
posted by MasonDixon at 8:29 AM on February 10, 2009


BARF
posted by Dr-Baa at 9:45 AM on February 10, 2009


Best blog ever. I keep thinking my mind will stop being blown by some of the extremes and then I come across the gravy machine or the cheese brick or...
posted by Ogre Lawless at 11:45 AM on February 10, 2009


...damn, only six pages.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 11:45 AM on February 10, 2009


I'm sick of the whole bacon meme but that doesn't mean I don't really want to try the bacon ice cream.

Good thing there are no pictures of this.
posted by CunningLinguist at 12:18 PM on February 10, 2009


If these things are rare enough to warrant being posted on a looksee blog, then it's a good chance they're not what's making me fat. It could just as easily be a never-ending list of common everyday household objects that contain HFCS.
posted by Eideteker at 3:32 PM on February 10, 2009


I'm not fat.
posted by trii at 5:45 PM on February 10, 2009


Hey, it's a blog about the Texas state fair!
posted by Miko at 8:35 PM on February 10, 2009


Fucking gross.
posted by bwg at 11:09 PM on February 10, 2009


This is Why You're Fat A Hipster.

Fat people don't eat this shit. This is 'OMG everybody, just look at what I'm eating!!' food. Primarily consumed by skinny white attention whores who need to be slapped in both directions across the face until all this badly-improvised meat and sugar filled horseshit comes spewing out of their mouth, ruining their favorite ironic T-shirt from the Goodwill.
posted by dgaicun at 11:56 PM on February 10, 2009 [12 favorites]


Allow me to testify on behalf of the Corndog Pizza. It is delicious.
posted by Iason at 2:10 AM on February 11, 2009


Fat people don't eat this shit.

Yes I do.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 4:39 AM on February 11, 2009


Is this where we all show up and say we're not hipsters?
posted by jessamyn at 7:02 AM on February 11, 2009 [3 favorites]


All this fat goes straight to my hipsters.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:44 AM on February 11, 2009 [4 favorites]


the world will meet its doom cos'a these
posted by Kennerd at 1:34 AM on February 12, 2009


I'm still a hipster.
posted by tehloki at 10:08 AM on March 7, 2009


I'm a hamster.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 10:02 PM on March 7, 2009


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