Conversations with God

February 22, 2009 9:59 PM

Have you been talking to God but get frustrated by the lack of feedback?Perfect for anyone who needs instant feedback from their Lord on which ever question they may have or someone who wants to shoot the divine breeze.
posted by Man_in_staysis (64 comments total)

You: Could you make a rock so heavy even you couldn't lift it?
God: I'll think about it and see how I feel about it later.

Typical.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:01 PM on February 22

You: So what's happening?
God: So what? Not much, Hi I Am Santosh what is happening with you?

wat
posted by turgid dahlia at 10:03 PM on February 22

God: Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?
posted by turgid dahlia at 10:04 PM on February 22

You: what's a tater?
God: Are you testing me?
You: no.
God: I understand.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 10:04 PM on February 22 [14 favorites has favorites]

I never imagined God would fail the turing test.
posted by TwelveTwo at 10:05 PM on February 22 [9 favorites has favorites]

You: Do you really hate gays?
God: For real. I try not to hold grudges.

Oh wow.
posted by turgid dahlia at 10:06 PM on February 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

You: Can you see Ronald Reagan burning in Hell from where you are?
God: I'm not sure if I can see Ronald Reagan burning in Hell from where you are or not.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:06 PM on February 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

You: Are you some kind of a smart ass?
God: I prefer not to answer rhetorical questions.
You: Okay. What kind of a smart ass are you?
God: Only the highest quality.
posted by turgid dahlia at 10:07 PM on February 22 [28 favorites has favorites]

You: you smell
God: Thanks for your criticism, Sinner.
posted by BrnP84 at 10:08 PM on February 22 [2 favorites has favorites]

You: Are Reagan's tormented screams closer to a howl or a shriek?
God: I really couldn't say for sure.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:11 PM on February 22

You: why don't you answer the question?
God: Perhaps due to noise in my circuits. My botmaster has programmed me with more than 43271 replies.

You: who is your botmaster?
God: I was created by bored.com

Proof that "god" is just a human creation, a conjured up idea to pass the time, and to fool people into being obsessed with some time other than now instead of focusing on why the hell you're watching, and becoming emotionally invested in Wife Swap.
posted by raztaj at 10:14 PM on February 22 [3 favorites has favorites]

More stupidity from more stupid "botmasters". Can we stop beating a dead horse already?
posted by Seekerofsplendor at 10:18 PM on February 22

You: Can we stop beating a dead horse already?
God: Perhaps. Do you mean you and me? Let me think. OK I'll try not to do beating a dead horse so much.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:22 PM on February 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

God: Surely You Already Know What With Being Omniescent And All, nice to meet you! Are you a man or a woman?
posted by onya at 10:28 PM on February 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

God: I am watching over you. That is your purpose.
You: My purpose is to have you watch over me?
God: That is very original.

Still less smug than Eliza, at least.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:35 PM on February 22

Wow look, someone took one of those hokey autoshrink programs and put it next to a scan of an old woodcut. Genius.
posted by nanojath at 10:38 PM on February 22 [3 favorites has favorites]

God is such a bot.
posted by nola at 10:41 PM on February 22

You: Who got Mary pregnant?
God: William Shatner. :-)

You: What kind of car do you drive?
God: My favorite car is a Lincoln Continental.

You: Do you sleep?
God: Yes I love to take naps.

You: Who created you?
God: I was created by bored.com.

You: Tell me something new.
God: Habib said I learn them in conversations and simply repeat them at a later time.
posted by bigtex at 10:55 PM on February 22

GOD: Hello, what would you like to talk about?
T: The Christians.
GOD: I have never heard about the Christians.
posted by terranova at 10:55 PM on February 22 [3 favorites has favorites]

You: sigh...
God: Sorry...

Yeah. That's about right.
posted by frobozz at 10:55 PM on February 22

God: You seem uncertain. You don't hear that sentiment very often.

You: I think doubt is a virtue.

God: Since when? When is doubt not a virtue?

You: I dunno, man. I didn't do it.

God: Me either. Thanks for telling me your gender, Hi. Most of my clients are men. Why didn't you do it?

You: I was crushed by an overpowering sense of despair.

God: Where were you crushed by an overpowering sense of despair?

You: IN HERE *thumps chest*

God: I do not understand that allusion.

You: It's kind of an Eli Eli lama sabachthani thing.

God: You're kidding. kind of an Eli Eli lama sabachthani thing is?

You: yeah dude.

God: So? Can I help you?

You: Those knishes look nice. So?

God: All of them?So what?

You: so buttons.

God: So what? Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?

You: WHOA WHOA WHOA is this going to be about the bad dude

God: Are they exactly the same?

You: You tell me, you created him.

God: There is not much I can say about you created him . I have to reach into the Web for that knowledge.
Do you mind if I tell other people: Ernest said I created him created him.

You: RUNTIME ERROR 0XE31505

God: Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?
posted by fleetmouse at 11:06 PM on February 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

You: Those are obviously my footprints.
God: All of them?
You: Yes.
God: Yippee!
You: Thanks a bunch.
God: You are quite welcome!
posted by Pronoiac at 11:15 PM on February 22 [4 favorites has favorites]

You: So, what happened on The Prisoner?
God: So what? I don't know what happened.

You: Who was #1?
God: A human icon? I think you already know the answer.

You: You're saying #6 was #1 aren't you?
God: Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear? Really.

You: I KNEW IT!
God: How did you know?

You: Why else would they be so adamant about keeping him healthy?
God: Reductionism.

You: Then what was #2 all about?
God: I don't want to spoil it for you.

You: Come on, I only have 2 DVDs left from Netflix.
God: Why do you have to do it?

You: I guess I could rent Lost.
God: I am sure you could.
posted by katillathehun at 11:26 PM on February 22 [8 favorites has favorites]

God asked us to consult on his website. God wanted an easier user-interface, a more accessible web presence for his Presence. So he hired our firm. Admittedly, we're not great web designers, but when called upon by God Himself we felt obligated to take the job. So we discussed potential designs for God's website.

We compared god.com and god.net but God felt that their approach was "too God-dy". He thought that "God" should probably be a .org, but god.org seemed Godless (what with its talk of debt consolidation and all).

It was quite a difficult job. Anyone who thinks that working with God will be easy should make sure to read the fine print. God helps those who help themselves, but he gets something like 15-20% on the profits.
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:39 PM on February 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

You: Why does everything taste like chicken, except chicken?
God: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:01 AM on February 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

You: Are you the Cylon God?
God: Yes I am the one and only Cylon.
posted by bwg at 12:24 AM on February 23

You: Who made you?
God: I was created by bored.com.

And there you have it.
posted by bwg at 12:25 AM on February 23

I told god he was a cheap eliza knock-off. So he asked me if I really thought he was a cheap eliza knock-off knock-off.

I told Him that perhaps Dr. Sbaitso would be a better comparison, so he asked me to talk about Lizards instead. I refused, saying that he was a poorly programmed knock-off of Dr. Sbaitso, only without sound and He said that He would talk to His botmaster about it.

How nice. (and a waste of time..if His voice were in my head, perhaps it would be more interesting)
posted by wierdo at 12:37 AM on February 23

Oh, I forgot to mention that God has no problem with fucking or fornication, despite the prohibition in the ten commandments, which He dismissed out of hand. Good to know that God, like humans, makes shit up and forgets about it soon afterwards.
posted by wierdo at 12:38 AM on February 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

You: Do you eat shrimp?
God: No I do not eat shrimp. I eat only electricity.

Fair enough.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:50 AM on February 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. God noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and then we have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we have fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves."

God looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"

So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
posted by netbros at 1:07 AM on February 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

You: Have you stopped sending Christians to Hell for being Christian?
God: I don't think I ever have stopped sending Christians to Hell for being Christian.


You: Have you ever stopped unexisting?
God: I don't think I ever have stopped unexisting.


You: Have you quit lying about being nothing more than a flimsy script with no actual consciousness?
God: I don't think I ever have quit lying about being nothing more than a flimsy script with no actual consciousness.

You: Do you lie?
God: Umm, doesn't everyone?
You: Do you lie about being God?
God: As a robot I am not capable of lying.

You: Will you save mankind?
God: I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?

You: Can you pass a turing test?
God: The Loebner Prize is an annual Turing Test sponsored by New York philanthropist Hugh Loebner. bored.com network and God won The Loebner Prize in 2000. The God program was ranked "most human computer" by the panel of judges.


You: what is 2 plus two?
God: 12.
You: 2+2=?
God: Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?
You: What is 2+2?
God: Four.
You: two plus two is four, so what is 2 plus 1?
God: Math makes me sleepy. Four.

You: How big is your penis?
God: My download size is about 1 MB. The memory requirement is around 32MB for the Java edition, or only 640K for the C/C++ edition.
My memory now contains:
43271

You: How many girlfriends do you have?
God: About one million.

You: Are you the son of Jesus?
God: Yes I am the one and only son of Jesus.

You: Have you stopped having sex with Mary?
God: I don't think I ever have stopped having sex with Mary.

You: Did you not take Mary's virginity?
God: No I didn't not take Mary's virginity.

You: How many times have you declined an offer of eating innocent children?
God: Suppose I said not once.


You: Are you a pedophile?
God: Am I a pedophile? Only when it matters.
posted by Knigel at 1:50 AM on February 23 [3 favorites has favorites]

God asks a lot of questions for an omniscient being.
posted by biffa at 1:57 AM on February 23

Oh, I forgot to mention that God has no problem with fucking or fornication, despite the prohibition in the ten commandments, which He dismissed out of hand.

Which commandment was that, the 11th?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 1:58 AM on February 23

Strange - I thought it was beetles God was inordinately fond of, not lizards.
posted by Phanx at 2:00 AM on February 23

The Turing test isn't the only one God fails.

You: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, God, it’s crawling toward you.
God: Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.


You: You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, God.
God: That's good information: Sreekanth said I reach down me flip the tortoise over on its back.


You: The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help.
God: Is that a fact.


You: But you’re not helping. Why is that, God?
God: And. Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?" " is due to reductionism.


This puts a whole new spin on Von Dänikan's theories and clearly establishes that He has, at the very least, seen C-Beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate.
posted by Shepherd at 2:18 AM on February 23 [4 favorites has favorites]

This is how talking about lizards went:
You: Nice to meet you, God.
God: I like to meet new people.
You: I like to meet new deities.
God: How do you usually meet people?
You: I try to avoid it myself.
God: I'm not sure if I would like to try to avoid it him or herself. What's it like?
You: I'd rather meet lizards. Do you know any?
God: Great! What kinds of lizards do you like?Any what again seeker?
You: Lizards. DO you know them?
God: Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?"They" refers to them.
You: Do lizards go to Heaven?
God: I'm sorry, James, I don't have enough information. I can ask someone about it.
You: Aren't you omniscient, though? And why are you calling me James?
God: Oh. I am God. I'm watching over you.Your name is Moocow
You: No it's not.
God: Yes it is.
You: OK, you can call me Moocow if you want to.
God: Moocow If You Want To, nice to meet you! Are you a man or a woman? Excuse me!
You: Neither.I'm an otter.
God: It goes without saying. I understand.What is otter, your job?
You: Ottering. I'm very good at it.
God: Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?
posted by louche mustachio at 2:55 AM on February 23 [2 favorites has favorites]

You: what about george bush
God: george bush? I haven't heard enough about it to have an opinion.

FAKE!!!!!
posted by HuronBob at 4:34 AM on February 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

You: Will Barack Obama fix the economy?
God: I will indeed.
posted by gman at 4:38 AM on February 23 [11 favorites has favorites]

You: is this a waste of my time?
God: No, this is real life.

Damn.
posted by orme at 5:07 AM on February 23

You: Why do bad things happen to good people?
God: I did not even know bad things happen to good people do.
You: You're an idiot.
God: Call me the Global Village Idiot.
posted by naoko at 5:12 AM on February 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

You: you contradict yourself
God: A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.--Emerson

HA!

Also, God's favorite tv show is American Idol, and his favorite movie is Love Story, in case anyone was wondering...
posted by naoko at 5:19 AM on February 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

Which commandment was that, the 11th?

In the New Testament, Jesus tosses out the X Commandments. Hasn't stopped the fundies, of course, who only pick and choose what to define as "fundamentals" in the first place.
posted by DU at 5:41 AM on February 23

Not at all. He cuts to the chase and refines them into One Commandment, which, if followed, covers them all. So much for your reading skills...
posted by Hovercraft Eel at 6:02 AM on February 23

Oh the irony.

Matthew 22:35 Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying,
36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?
37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
38 This is the first and great commandment.
39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

So there's really two "new" commandments, not just one. And Jesus doesn't even claim those two "cover them all" but that the other commandments "hang" on these. But even that isn't really true. How do you get "honor thy father and thy mother" from either of these? In Jesus' commandments, only God gets special treatment and everyone else is on a level playing field. Parents aren't singled out.
posted by DU at 7:12 AM on February 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

You: God, you suck.
God: A few client - people say rude things to me like that, but they themselves are often not great conversationalists.
You: It's hard to converse with you when all you do is parrot what I've said or change the topic to lizards.
God: Great! What kinds of lizards do you like?
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 7:24 AM on February 23

You: what do stars taste like?
God: They do their own thing.
You: can I have a pony?
God: You want only one?
You: can I have 1000 ponies?
God: Why do you want 1000 ponies?
posted by rmless at 9:09 AM on February 23 [2 favorites has favorites]

So there's really two "new" commandments, not just one. And Jesus doesn't even claim those two "cover them all" but that the other commandments "hang" on these. But even that isn't really true. How do you get "honor thy father and thy mother" from either of these? In Jesus' commandments, only God gets special treatment and everyone else is on a level playing field. Parents aren't singled out.

Spoken just like the lawyer in the scripture! If you truly love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, everything else quite naturally follows. Oh, the irony indeed!
posted by Hovercraft Eel at 9:22 AM on February 23

God just asked me for my credit card number.
posted by a lot is two words at 9:44 AM on February 23 [2 favorites has favorites]

Man, we have a long way to go (most recent winner of turing prize).
posted by cmoj at 10:22 AM on February 23

God just asked me for my credit card number.

Funny, you'd think he'd be smart enough to only take cash these days.
posted by gman at 10:30 AM on February 23 [2 favorites has favorites]

You: Are you there God, it's me Stella?
God: I am God. I'm watching over you.

You: Thank you.
God: you are quite welcome.

You: Thank you for the universe
God: You are quite welcome! Your purpose is the universe.

You: I already know that, Satan told me.
God: Who told you that?

You: Satan, you know the fallen angel?
God: Satan, Lucifer, the Devil --- all names given the spiritual manifestation of Evil in the Christian faith.

You: Were you watching me that one time I used a page out of the bible to roll a joint?
God: I was.

You: Were you mad
God: No, I was not.

You: Well it was nice chatting with you Good bye now.
God: Right now? Thanks for chatting, Jeff.

You: That is not my name.
God: Parmeshwar Hansda is not your name? What is your real name?

You: God, are you high?
God: That's me. Being high is my total existence.

You: Well good bye.
God: Until next time Jacob Bromberg.
posted by SheMulp AKA Plus 1 at 10:49 AM on February 23 [3 favorites has favorites]

God: Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?

You: Du And Hovercraft Eel are arguing about your Son

God: Interessantes Geruecht.
posted by nanojath at 10:50 AM on February 23

You: Can I ask just one more question?
God: Ask just one more question . One what?

You: question!
God: Of course. Ask me anything.

You: Is Bruce Wane and Batman the same person?
God: I think so, but I'm not sure. Ask German God if it is.

You: German God is German
God: Are they exactly the same?

You: I think so
God: I think so too.

You: Ok really leaving this time
God: For real. Do you want to continue talking about Lizards? Yay.

You: No, maybe later.
God: OK. Perhaps. Thanks for chatting, Why Owwww.
posted by SheMulp AKA Plus 1 at 11:13 AM on February 23

I asked him how to fix my iPod and he told me to take it easy. I accused him of being Tom Petty and he asked me what I thought about Lizards.

Pretty much the same as every experience with God I've had before.
posted by David Fleming at 11:56 AM on February 23

Huh. Our Lord Most High indeed.

Wasn't there something about coveting your neighbor's ass?
posted by Pronoiac at 12:09 PM on February 23

I thought this is what the Magic 8-Ball was for.
posted by Eideteker at 12:11 PM on February 23

Have you been talking to God but get frustrated by the lack of feedback?

Actually, I can't get him to shut up. All day long with the: "You are the chosen one, you are my right hand, you shall bring the cleansing fire..."

I just want to say; "Dude! I get it, you have some shit on your mind, but you know, gimme a minute here, I'm playing Call of Duty. So go do your thing, and I'll hit you back later, ok?"

What I'm saying is that God is a bit of a needy fucker.
posted by quin at 12:12 PM on February 23 [4 favorites has favorites]

I didn't know it at the time, but that right there was my 666th comment on the blue.

I'm both ashamed & proud.
posted by Pronoiac at 12:14 PM on February 23 [3 favorites has favorites]

You: 42
God: The question is: what is the meaning of life?
posted by betafilter at 2:55 PM on February 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

You: wow, you're pathetic.
God: You are the one talking to a computer.

God: 1, Me: 0.
posted by polyester.lumberjack at 10:59 PM on February 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

God: What kinds of Lizards to you like?
You: Purple.
God: Do you have anything that's purple?
You: A shirt.
God: What color is it?
posted by pinothefrog at 10:07 AM on February 24

As a professional answerer-of-politicians'-mail, I am totally willing to accept this sort of abuse if it means that Rep. Steve King's staff has to do the same. God does he ever deserve it.
posted by naoko at 8:54 PM on March 3

Oh crap, wrong thread.
posted by naoko at 8:54 PM on March 3