Ex-Masturbator

February 25, 2009 6:51 AM

Ex-Masturbator "Yeah we said it….Nobody talks about it, but most people have done it or are still doing it. It's seems to be a rite of passage for both girls and guys into the world of sex. Some say masturbation is not a sin, some say that it is. But is it really okay in the eyes of God?"
posted by various (219 comments total)

No, because he's blind.
posted by dunkadunc at 6:53 AM on February 25, 2009 [4 favorites]

No, because he's blind.

And has hair on his palms.
posted by mhoye at 6:55 AM on February 25, 2009

Ex-Christian.
posted by netbros at 6:57 AM on February 25, 2009 [11 favorites]

Masturbation is OK but masturbating into someone's eyes is rather impolite at best.
posted by doctor_negative at 6:57 AM on February 25, 2009 [53 favorites]

Can I just do it until I need glasses?
posted by Confess, Fletch at 6:58 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Masturbation is OK but masturbating into someone's eyes is rather impolite at best.

Pearl Vision...
posted by Confess, Fletch at 6:58 AM on February 25, 2009 [39 favorites]

I'm not sure about God, but the cat that lives in my ceiling doesn't seem to mind.
posted by burnmp3s at 7:00 AM on February 25, 2009 [13 favorites]

Can't we, for once, take seriously a thread that combines wanking and LOLXTIANS?
posted by Mister_A at 7:00 AM on February 25, 2009 [5 favorites]

The extra large type on those shirts is helpful for those of us whose vision seems to be getting weaker by the day.
posted by R. Mutt at 7:01 AM on February 25, 2009 [7 favorites]

This shirt is absolutely wonderful. It lets the hardcore self-denial enthusiasts meet each other, and serves as a giant "AVOID AT ALL COSTS" for the remainder of us who like our partners to be willing to enjoy the body as God/nature/whatever created it.

What's up with the "EX-Slave" one though? All of the other shirts address acts that are being interpreted as a sin, but that one just doesn't follow.
posted by explosion at 7:01 AM on February 25, 2009 [5 favorites]

God, I've been touching myself a hundred ways to Sunday. And come to think of it, I'm busy on Sunday.
posted by gorgor_balabala at 7:01 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Strangely enough, all the girls I knew who were in Campus Crusade for Christ would talk about how they used to get drunk and naked all the time. Now they just get really drunk and try to talk to you about Jesus.
posted by dunkadunc at 7:02 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Just get some contact lenses. No one will know your dirty secret.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:02 AM on February 25, 2009

I'm sorry, I can't read this thread. Both hands are busy.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:03 AM on February 25, 2009

"I'm so excited. As a former masturbator I plan to get every color. I want everyone to know power of Jesus is stronger than the devil's urge to purge."

I think someone may be yanking their chain. Or they have a *lot* of masturbating to make up for.

On preview - Cool Papa Bell - then what are you typing wi... OK, never mind.
posted by bokeh at 7:04 AM on February 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

Once I finish I too am an Ex-Masturbator, until the next time.
posted by waraw at 7:05 AM on February 25, 2009 [16 favorites]

How in the world is one supposed to look at a person in a t-shirt with the message "EX-MASTURBATOR" and *not* imagine what they look like masturbating?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:06 AM on February 25, 2009 [26 favorites]

Soooo...I guess masturbation goes on the list of sins, but screwed up, misdirected pride comes off?

Well, at least those video testimonials are hotttt - ahem, excuse me, I have something to go take care of.
posted by Muddler at 7:06 AM on February 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

That shirt is going to revolutionize my art.

My art involves standing at the bus stop and staring without affect or expression at all the womens. With my hands in my pockets.
posted by logicpunk at 7:07 AM on February 25, 2009 [18 favorites]

That would make an awesome wank Zamboni.
posted by bondcliff at 7:07 AM on February 25, 2009

Why do these Christians only obsess over sexual issues, like gays, masturbation, birth control, sex ed?

Why do they never seem to obsess over the over-full prisons, or fairness to the poor, or adequate health care, or government torture?

The one issue of sexual sin presented to Christ, he basically tells everyone to move on and forget it. He begins his public ministry by attacking the eclipse of moral sphere by profit-seekers, when he throws the money-changers out of the temple. His Sermon on the Mount never mentions sexual sin. But that seems to be the primary if not exclusive preoccupation of his putative followers.

Just why, then, should any of us take these so-called Christians seriously?
posted by orthogonality at 7:07 AM on February 25, 2009 [188 favorites]

Wankers.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:08 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

We pray that you will join us in breaking the silence on an issue that has stayed silent for too long. Be the first to boldly rock your Ex-Masturbator shirt and let's change the world baby! Click below on one of the pictures to order your shirt.

All proceeds go towards chastity mittens for the third world.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 7:08 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

is it really okay in the eyes of God?

Sure, as long as a damp facecloth is handy and you've both agreed on a safe word.
posted by CynicalKnight at 7:09 AM on February 25, 2009 [19 favorites]

Fuckin' jerk offs.
posted by gman at 7:09 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Get an inside look of what goes down after church.

Is that a clue as to how they avoid masturbation?
posted by TedW at 7:10 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

It speaks well to the values of Christian love that these people can stay on such intimate terms with their exes!
posted by Abiezer at 7:12 AM on February 25, 2009 [14 favorites]

> What's up with the "EX-Slave" one though? All of the other shirts address acts that are being interpreted as a sin, but that one just doesn't follow.

I think it's supposed to show that you're no longer a slave to the sin of masturbation. The thing links to a blog post which says "You see I was enslaved not only to masturbation but to pornography, sexual fantasies, and a lot of other things I wanted to keep on the dark." and "Then I tried to break free, I found that those same desires tracked me down like a Mississippi Slave catcher. I had never had so much temptation to sin by masturbating in my whole life." So I'm guessing they're playing off something like that.
posted by bjrn at 7:12 AM on February 25, 2009

This thread is just a big circle jerk.
posted by ghost of a past number at 7:12 AM on February 25, 2009

The could go old school with an Ex-communicator shirt
posted by ElvisJesus at 7:12 AM on February 25, 2009 [6 favorites]

You don't wash it, you just throw it away
posted by ElvisJesus at 7:14 AM on February 25, 2009

What a bunch of jack-offs.
posted by billysumday at 7:14 AM on February 25, 2009

Scoff all you like but I bet they have mindblowingly naughty orgasms once every 3-4 months.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:15 AM on February 25, 2009 [15 favorites]

That would make an awesome wank Zamboni.

I guess if there's Bang Bus there's no reason we can't have Wank Zamboni. Seems like an awfully specific combination of kinks, though.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:15 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

EX-BUKKAKEIST
posted by billysumday at 7:15 AM on February 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

This... this here is pure gold.

I got my Ex-Hyprocrite shirt so hyped!!! Thanks ^_^
posted by MrVisible at 7:15 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

There is no way in Hell that I am going to click that article on at work, but since we are talking about one of my favorite topics, I thought I might add my pearls of wisdom.
1. It's fun.
2. You can do it with yourself and others.
3. It's free.
4. You and you alone, know what you like.
5. You can't reject yourself.
6. If done properly, it feels really really good.

and for God's sake.....lock the door and pull down the shades.
posted by doctorschlock at 7:15 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

I note that they are buying their shirts from American Apparel, which are known for their racy ads, such as this one (NSFW; and don't let them catch you beating off to it, either.)
posted by TedW at 7:16 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

What's up with the "EX-Slave" one though?
That got me, too. Here's what they say:"You name it we did it, or thought about it. We were slaves to our passions and pleasures. We knew that the lust, lying, hatred, selfishness and vanity had a grip on us. But one day God gripped us and the chains dropped. We are officially EX-Slaves."
I was hoping there might be an Ex-Master or an Ex-Submissive shirt, but no dice. Also, there's an Ex-Rebel, but no Ex-Hipster Doofus shirt.
I really don't understand why you would want to shout about previously doing something they (not me) are embarrassed about. But, why no ex-pants wetter, or ex-nose picker? I'd personally wear a shirt that said "Tuggy McWhackerson" before I wore one of these.
posted by Bernt Pancreas at 7:17 AM on February 25, 2009

If their god really did exist and is full of love like the talk about, wouldn't he want them to enjoy the wonderful body he gave them? Why would he put the clit on women if it wasn't so people could have fun?

And shouldn't we encourage masturbation in teens so they don't have unprotected sex with others and get pregnant?
posted by silkygreenbelly at 7:17 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

But you, when you pray, enter into your room. And shutting your door, pray to your Father in secret; and your Father who sees in secret shall reward you openly. Mat 6:6

i think that goes for not-masturbating, too
posted by pyramid termite at 7:17 AM on February 25, 2009 [10 favorites]

I'm tempted to buy one to wipe myself off with.
posted by sfts2 at 7:18 AM on February 25, 2009 [10 favorites]

> What's up with the "EX-Slave" one though? All of the other shirts address acts that are being interpreted as a sin, but that one just doesn't follow.


Yeah I found that one to be a little wrong as well.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:19 AM on February 25, 2009

I hope the back of the shirt says "EX- IS FOR EXUBERANT!"
posted by escabeche at 7:19 AM on February 25, 2009 [10 favorites]

This thread would not be complete without a link to Kirk Cameron's best scenes from Fireproof. WHAT WAS ON THAT COMPUTER SCREEN, WAS THAT HONORABLE?!
posted by Mach5 at 7:23 AM on February 25, 2009 [7 favorites]

Whatever you do, do not find out the name of the person in charge of that website. The snark comes easily enough as it is.
posted by TedW at 7:24 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

explosion: "What's up with the "EX-Slave" one though? All of the other shirts address acts that are being interpreted as a sin, but that one just doesn't follow."

Yeah, that one got me too. I guess the guy is a former slave... and then... he quit...
No, it makes no sense at all.

Oh, and if you really want to laugh, look at this poem of a masturbator on the site. That is the written record of a man driven mad. Jesus Christ, some people are screwed up...
posted by PontifexPrimus at 7:24 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm surprised nobody has pointed out that the guy wearing the "EX-SLAVE" shirt is black.
posted by dunkadunc at 7:24 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ex-masturbator? Is that like horse whisperer? I have to masturbate my exes now? Boy, are they going to be exhausted surprised.
posted by emelenjr at 7:25 AM on February 25, 2009 [5 favorites]

Why do these Christians only obsess over sexual issues

As usual, C.S. Lewis gets to The Point...

If anyone thinks that Christians regard unchastity as the supreme vice, he is quite wrong. The sins of the flesh are bad, but they are the least bad of all sins. All the worst pleasures are purely spiritual: the pleasure of putting other people in the wrong, of bossing and patronising and spoiling sport, and back-biting, the pleasures of power, of hatred. For there are two things inside me, competing with the human self I must try to become. They are the Animal self, and the Diabolical self. The Diabolical self is the worse of the two. That is why a cold, self-righteous prig who goes regularly to church may be far nearer to Hell than a prostitute. But, of course, it is better to be neither.
posted by Joe Beese at 7:27 AM on February 25, 2009 [92 favorites]

I really don't understand why you would want to shout about previously doing something they (not me) are embarrassed about.

It's like how folks in AA are always talking about the stuff they used to do while drunk.

(I'm actually not trying to be snarky here. These are two groups whose core belief is "X is bad, but talking about your struggle before God and your peers will help you stop."

If you buy into the premise, then the behavior — talk about X non-stop so that others will feel comfortable acknowledging it too — makes perfect sense. It's just, well, sort of a questionable premise.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:28 AM on February 25, 2009

Jesus is my cum-rag.
posted by bardic at 7:29 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Masturbation is OK but masturbating into someone's eyes is rather impolite at best.
posted by pinothefrog at 7:30 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

I like that all of the models in the "EX-Diva" pictures are posing like divas.
posted by oddman at 7:32 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ex-Farter. It wasn't me.
posted by digsrus at 7:34 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

If these were Ex- Public Masturbator, Ex Subway Masturbator, or Ex Highway Underpass Masturbator I could really get behind what these people are trying to do.
posted by whoaali at 7:39 AM on February 25, 2009

The one issue of sexual sin presented to Christ, he basically tells everyone to move on and forget it. He begins his public ministry by attacking the eclipse of moral sphere by profit-seekers, when he throws the money-changers out of the temple. His Sermon on the Mount never mentions sexual sin. But that seems to be the primary if not exclusive preoccupation of his putative followers.

True, but many Christian denominations seem in reality more aptly called Paulists than Christians, because despite all the lip service they pay the Gospels, what really sets them on fire are the epistles of Paul -- which are obsessed with sexual sin.
posted by blucevalo at 7:40 AM on February 25, 2009 [15 favorites]

Ex-Hyprocrite ?


So you're an Ex-Christian too?
posted by 5imian at 7:40 AM on February 25, 2009 [5 favorites]

No one really believes this is on the level, right? I mean, this is pretty clearly clever marketing to sell "EX-MASTURBATOR" t-shirts to people who would wear them ironically.
posted by DecemberBoy at 7:41 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

The "Ex-Homosexual" and "Ex-Rebel" are the most loaded and unintentionally sinister shirts they're selling...
posted by hermitosis at 7:43 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

If they replaced "Ex" with "Post" it'd be a hell of a lot more interesting.
posted by mistersquid at 7:46 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Ew.

This one is the only mildly amusing one. These people are also into the ex-gay thing. There's a video of an "ex-lesbian" on there, and it is really heart-breaking. I feel really sorry for these people.
posted by greekphilosophy at 7:48 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Did i mention that these shirts as sooooo gangstah????.

....Day-um fo ree-ul!
....DJ 'blahblahblah' in tha house!
....ExMastahbataahhh!!!!
...Dis es fo da realz yall!
...No cootie touchin!
.. UUNNGGHHHHHHH!!!!
posted by 5imian at 7:50 AM on February 25, 2009

I think that it's mostly a way for a would-be evangelist to get people's attention--even if they point and laugh--so that they have an opening to testify. Me, if anyone tries to evangelize me while they're wearing one of those, I'll shake their hand, and while still holding their hand I'll say, "You know, I just masturbated a few minutes ago. Didn't wash my hand." And see how long I can hold on.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:52 AM on February 25, 2009 [11 favorites]

Not only is the ex-slave guy black, so are all the models. Is this "urban" or something? I don't know anyone, black, white, or what have you, who would wear one of these shirts unironically. The marketing of Christian pop-culture ephemera continues to baffle me.
posted by Mister_A at 7:54 AM on February 25, 2009

There's a video of an "ex-lesbian" on there

There seems to be only that one girl wearing the "EX-Homosexual" shirt anywhere in the videos and on the sale site. How awkward...

I think it's really funny that even more tolerant Christians still complain about gays being so open with their sexual identity, "pushing it in everyone's faces" -- that's exactly what this is.
posted by hermitosis at 7:56 AM on February 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

You know what you get when you come across an ex-homosexual ex-masturbator?

Two shirts that need to be burned rather than one.
posted by WolfDaddy at 7:57 AM on February 25, 2009

Anybody that wears this is an Ex-hibitionist.
posted by dgaicun at 7:57 AM on February 25, 2009 [4 favorites]

«Между прочим, все мы дрочим.»
posted by languagehat at 7:57 AM on February 25, 2009

Quitting masturbation is easy. I've done it hundreds of times.
posted by jonp72 at 8:01 AM on February 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

Just remember not to sit before the hearth with your genitals exposed and bespattered with semen. That wasn't cool even several hundred years before Christ.

No one really believes this is on the level, right?

Well, perhaps not--except for the Passion 4 Christ Movement, aka the people selling the t-shirts, who are affiliated with a church in the middle of Compton.

Passion for Christ Movement Christian Fellowship
>snip<>
Service Times:
Sunday Service: 11:30 am
Wed Bible Study: 7:30 pm

Soooo.....yeah.
posted by snuffleupagus at 8:04 AM on February 25, 2009

I would like to get one of these, and go to one of their meetings. I would disppear into the bathroom for a few minutes, and then slam the T-shirt down on the table and yell "I'M OUT" and then leave.
posted by never used baby shoes at 8:07 AM on February 25, 2009 [23 favorites]

What's up with the "EX-Slave" one though? All of the other shirts address acts that are being interpreted as a sin, but that one just doesn't follow

It's from this passage or something similar:

Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
-Romans 6:16-18
posted by Pater Aletheias at 8:09 AM on February 25, 2009

Why do these Christians only obsess over sexual issues, like gays, masturbation, birth control, sex ed?

Why do they never seem to obsess over the over-full prisons, or fairness to the poor, or adequate health care, or government torture?

There are lots of Christians involved in those issues--lots and lots and lots. But they don't tend to get linked on Metafilter. There is a whole lot more to Christianity than the political right wing.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 8:11 AM on February 25, 2009 [18 favorites]

If God had wanted us not to masturbate He would have made our arms shorter.
posted by rocket88 at 8:13 AM on February 25, 2009 [18 favorites]

well, at least they're open-source software users AND ex-masturbators.
that's a Drupal site they have there ... although, come to think about it,
isn't all FOSS the product of what amounts to some big technology circle
jerks?
posted by liza at 8:14 AM on February 25, 2009

They really ought to be making tissues.
posted by tawny at 8:14 AM on February 25, 2009

There is a whole lot more to Christianity than the political right wing.

Yeah, but those are the loudest, best armed Christians. In other words, the seemingly dominant ones.
posted by 5imian at 8:15 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

I LOVE THIS POST
posted by alexwoods at 8:17 AM on February 25, 2009

My favourite comment from the site:

I was really afraid that there would be a shortage of things for me to buy in 2009 that show my love and appreciation for our lord jesus christ.

Because of course, the way to show your love and appreciation for your Lord Jesus Christ is to, erm, buy stuff.
posted by MrMustard at 8:18 AM on February 25, 2009 [7 favorites]

rocket88: "If God had wanted us not to masturbate He would have made our arms shorter."

Come on, He already fucked us over with those damn unbending spines.
posted by PontifexPrimus at 8:19 AM on February 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

Ditto orthogonality above.

My question for these folks is where is the outrage over divorce and remarriage?

According to Christ, remarriage after divorce is adultery. Of the sexual sins this (I believe) is the only one mentioned specifically by Christ. And, if memory serves, Paul put adulterers in the same category as "sodomites" and "fornicators". Surely, in terms of sheer numbers, adulterous second marriage is a far larger societal scourge than homosexuality. Consequently, what we need (nay, what God demands!) is for the GLBT community to start picketing courthouses where divorces take place and thereby put an end to this hideous abomination.

It would be, at the very least, an opportunity for cool matching t-shirts.
posted by Toecutter at 8:23 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Actually, I think that C.S. Lewis quote indicates how many christians are missing the point - if sexuality were as low a priority in the actual minds of the 'faithful' as it was in the holy texts, it would be a non-issue and no one would really be talking about it. However, the fevered obsession a large portion of the devout have over the activities of my genitals indicates that, in their minds at least, it's definitely not a minor and low-priority issue.
posted by FatherDagon at 8:24 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

GOD: Hello, what would you like to talk about?
T: Is masturbation permissible?
GOD: Better not tell you that now. Ask John Lennon if it is.
posted by terranova at 8:31 AM on February 25, 2009

True, but many Christian denominations seem in reality more aptly called Paulists than Christians, because despite all the lip service they pay the Gospels, what really sets them on fire are the epistles of Paul -- which are obsessed with sexual sin.

This is wrong for several reasons:
(1) This assumes that the Pauline epistles are less authentically representative of the teachings of Jesus, which is a difficult case to make since they pre-date the gospels. Just because they are in the form of pastoral letters rather than accounts of the life of Jesus is no indication that they are somehow less Christian. I guess if you were an evangelical or fundamentalist and believed that God had providentially inspired Matthew, Mark, Luke and John to perfectly preserve the words of Jesus, you'd be on to something, but I doubt that's at play here.
(2) I'd like to see the studies that show which denominations are really set on fire by the epistles of Paul. Each era tends to have it's own functional canon which prioritizes some books above others, but from where I stand what I see is a huge resurgence in the Gospels as the core texts of Christianity.
(3) I can't even begin to imagine why you think that Paul is somehow more obsessed with sexual sin than Jesus. Or why orthogonality would claim that the Sermon on the Mount never mentions sexual sin. These are not obscure texts--in fact, they are quite easy to find and even available online. Here's a passage from the Sermon on the Mount:

"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
--Matt. 5:27-32

Adultery and lust sound like sexual sins to me. What Jesus doesn't ever mention is torture or prison over-crowding. (In fact, in the same Sermon on the Mount, he says: ""Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.")

And while Paul will, of course, mention sexual sins on occasion, there's no sign at all that he is obsessed with them, and his mentions of them most often come in laundry lists of sins. For example:

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. (Colossians 3:5)

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. (Galatians 5:19-21)

It doesn't surprise me that there are plenty of intelligent people who don't know the first thing about the Bible. What surprises me is that they either think that they do, or are willing to pontificate in spite of their ignorance, hoping no one catches on.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 8:31 AM on February 25, 2009 [34 favorites]

This just in: Many Christian fundamentalists are tacky and self-righteous!
posted by mecran01 at 8:32 AM on February 25, 2009

Ex-ist
posted by pracowity at 8:33 AM on February 25, 2009

So who's giving all those abstainers cancer? The devil?
posted by orville sash at 8:35 AM on February 25, 2009

I used to jerk off. Now I wear a shirt alerting people to this fact. .....what's the problem?
posted by Liquidwolf at 8:36 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ex-Masturbators?

I had intended to go to the Canadian National Exhibition this year, at least for the air show, but not if it's going to be filled with masturbators.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:36 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

I think it's supposed to show that you're no longer a slave to the sin of masturbation.

I'm really more of an indentured servant.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:36 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Though it may have major health benefits, I am not really a fan.

My clinical psychology teacher made a point to say that if a sexual act was not for love, sexual dysfunction was likely result in the future.

Now of course, if two lovers engage in this, then there is no problem as far as I can imagine. ;)
posted by JoeXIII007 at 8:38 AM on February 25, 2009

Damn orville, DSB is real!
posted by Mister_A at 8:39 AM on February 25, 2009

Not only is the ex-slave guy black, so are all the models. Is this "urban" or something?

Is it "urban"? WTF?

Passion For Christ Movement appears to be an outreach ministry aimed at young African Americans. The fact that it's aimed at young people might explain the focus on sexual issues since it's such a huge deal when you're young. To claim that they can't possibly be worried about anything else simply because right now they're worrying about sex is ridiculous. You have no idea what these people do or do not do in their communities. And as someone who lives smackdab in the middle of a very poor, mostly black area I can tell you who is most responsible for helping out the needy around here. It ain't enlightened white atheists. It's black churches.

Don't get me wrong, I think this T-Shirt thing is silly and I don't like that they're making something natural into something to be ashamed of but the assumptions some of you have made in this thread...ugh.
posted by lysistrata at 8:39 AM on February 25, 2009 [5 favorites]

Those bible folks were into some freaky shit...

Matthew 13:4
As he was scattering his seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up.
posted by orme at 8:41 AM on February 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

Parody shirts.
posted by CunningLinguist at 8:41 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Who is truly the sinner? The man seeking inner peace through refreshment of his seed? Or the filthy, dogging deity watching him through the crack in the curtains?
posted by biffa at 8:41 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

I enjoy fishing, in fact I am quite good at it. I am in fact a Masterbaiter.
posted by pianomover at 8:42 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Surely, in terms of sheer numbers, adulterous second marriage is a far larger societal scourge than homosexuality.

And there you have it. You want to make sure that the minority you scold and look down on is actually a minority.

I think Pater Aletheias is on the right track though. Christians (and anyone else really) who quietly do good works hardly get any press while that God Hates Fags asshole and those like him end up in the news all the time. Standing up to these people is very important though, otherwise we end up with shit like prop. 8.
posted by ODiV at 8:46 AM on February 25, 2009

It's sex with someone I love.

(Props to Woody Allen.)
posted by bardic at 8:47 AM on February 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

I note that they are buying their shirts from American Apparel

That's hilarious. They might as well be slipping the dollar bills directly into Dov Charney's thong.
posted by 912 Greens at 8:51 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

and for God's sake.....lock the door and pull down the shades.
posted by doctorschlock at 10:15 AM on February 25

And, to add to that wisdom, if the shades are venetian blinds, make sure that they're slanted to prevent passers-by from seeing in, instead of just (admittedly dim-wittedly) blocking you from seeing out, especially if you live in an apartment building near the apartment of a female coworker, who has to pass by your window to get her mail...

Hypothetically speaking, of course.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:52 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

When I was 13 my CCD class (and the kids from the Catholic school, who were obviously exempt from CCD) had its obligatory pre-Confirmation retreat, and a lot of this was talk about sex- boys in one room, girls in the other. The priest basically presented two themes: (1) women were evil and they would use their feminine trickery to force you to get them pregnant, and (2) masturbation is evil. The first line was so fucked-up and misogynist even to my 13-year-old ears that it was hard not to laugh. But the second was even worse: The priest wrote "MASTERBATION" (sic) on the chalkboard and explained that its sinfulness was evident right away- "see, boys, it's a sin because you are the MASTER." I'd been jacking off for the previous couple of years any chance I got and had, by that time, also admitted to myself that I was gay, and I concluded then and there that the real danger in masturbation was that it made little gay boys realise that they were little gay boys. I couldn't get off to Farrah Fawcett; I thought about Coach Sojka and Mr Golvidis, my science teacher, who still gives me a boner, but enough about that.

This priest also told us about how shocked the kids in CYO were whenever they saw his penis, which was apparently a lot of the time, and how he'd have to point out to these kids that he still has "the ability" even if he's taken a vow of chastity. Yes, he'd lecture junior-high boys about his cock while standing naked in front of them in a beach change room.

You can't make this stuff up.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 8:53 AM on February 25, 2009 [11 favorites]

Internet explorer cannot display the webpage.

Dang, and I really wanted to see these.

Well, back to what I was doing, then.
posted by yhbc at 8:59 AM on February 25, 2009

But is it really okay in the eyes of God?

Oh please. Like it isn't something he hasn't already seen a trillion times before.
posted by chillmost at 9:04 AM on February 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

The video at the website has some great, awkward moments. At the 8 minute mark there is the face-palm realization that kids are probably going to look up 'masturbation' on the Internet after seeing the shirts. At the 10 minute mark they hilariously interrogate some proper white grandma about her masturbation history.

But seriously man, if that video is supposed to discourage masturbation it is doing a piss poor job. It's full of hot young black girls tortured by their own high sex drives, detailing how they used to be addicted to touching themselves. (17:10: "Y'all want to hear something so perverted..." Yes. OH MY GOD, YES.)
posted by dgaicun at 9:08 AM on February 25, 2009 [6 favorites]

From the MASTERbation article:

Curled up in a fetal position, crying, because your bed is even more empty and you're lonelier than you did before you violated yourself...

[...]

You cry, you repent and say you won't do it any more but you find yourself molesting yourself again...When will it ever end?

Uh... yeah... You're doing it wrong.
posted by splice at 9:08 AM on February 25, 2009 [18 favorites]

Why do these Christians only obsess over sexual issues, like gays, masturbation, birth control, sex ed?

Why do they never seem to obsess over the over-full prisons, or fairness to the poor, or adequate health care, or government torture?

Because they want to control your thoughts and desires by making you feel guilty for something that is a natural process. God made it feel good for a reason. Wet dreams are not a sin and that is caused by your subconscious.

With Prison, treating poor people like crap, terrible health care and torture, those are already controlled by someone. Religion can be used for good and for social control all in the name of God. This christian I'm an Ex crap is just a way for you to feel guilty about enjoying something. I like my religion. I say my prayers and go to church on Sundays. You will never catch me trying to do this, "I'm an Ex-this or that... You can be too! Ask me how!" garbage. I'm more if you want spiritual help go to church. If you don't then ok.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 9:09 AM on February 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

What I got out of this whole thing:

'The devil's urge to purge' might just replace 'tinkering with the R2 unit' as my new favorite euphemism for masturbation.
posted by slimepuppy at 9:10 AM on February 25, 2009 [7 favorites]

Which one will you choose?
The feminist Jesus who’s down with women being independent
Wants you to burn your bra, and listen to Bob Dylan
The homosexual Jesus who doesn’t see you sinning
The Beyonce Jesus who’s cool with you wearing a freakum dress, all the while being a Christian
Which one will you choose?
posted by EarBucket at 9:10 AM on February 25, 2009

"Yeah we said it….Nobody talks about it ...

This guy obviously hangs out with a less raw crowd then me. I have heard some pretty funny monologues about the subject from some of my friends.
posted by jefeweiss at 9:17 AM on February 25, 2009

Some of the language used in the video is ...creepy.

"...she was in bondage to masturbation and pornography, she shared her testimony with another woman at the impact conference and she broke down crying. She and another girl both repented and now are free. Men and women are gonna be rockin' this shirt!"

They've been filled with the YOU'RE-ALL-GOING-TO-HELL sermons ... but they're making it urban chic...?

I too am baffled with their misguided attempt at reaching today's youth.

...also: Only In America.
posted by weezy at 9:27 AM on February 25, 2009

There are lots of Christians involved in those issues--lots and lots and lots. But they don't tend to get linked on Metafilter. There is a whole lot more to Christianity than the political right wing.

BO-RING! Bring on the snake handlers and their little rubber fetus dolls!
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:43 AM on February 25, 2009 [4 favorites]

There are lots of Christians involved in those issues--lots and lots and lots. But they don't tend to get linked on Metafilter. There is a whole lot more to Christianity than the political right wing.

This is true. Of course, there's a huge progressive Christian movement that's certainly getting more mainstream press attention than it was fifteen years ago. No one can pretend to be completely unaware of a politically progressive Christianity.

But there are also an awful lot of Christians who are just too busy working on fighting social injustices to get very politically vocal.
posted by roll truck roll at 9:43 AM on February 25, 2009

Oops, I thought I was being so clever with the triple link. One of those should go here.
posted by roll truck roll at 9:46 AM on February 25, 2009

There are lots of Christians involved in those issues--lots and lots and lots.

Who?
posted by swift at 9:49 AM on February 25, 2009

"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
--Matt. 5:27-32

Sounds to me like these folks ought to have arm stumps instead of t-shits.
posted by Caduceus at 9:54 AM on February 25, 2009

Roll truck roll -- I've been thinking more and more lately that progressive Christianity (social justice, GBLT stuff, environment, feminism, peace etc. etc.) in this country is, for lack of a better phrase, "where it's at". And this from a second generation Unitarian Universalist. The problem with UUism is that it just doesn't resonate with most Americans who were brought up at least nominally Judeo-Christian, so as a vehicle for big change, it's somewhat limited. Anyway, I wish the progressive Christian movement would be more vocal on these issues :)
posted by Toecutter at 9:59 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Who?

I usually abhor these "Google it for me" games, but in recent history there's been the Catonsville Nine. I can tell you that the Catholic church on up to the Pope was against the invasion of Iraq, that there are pro-choice Catholics, as well as various and sundry Christian social justice groups.

Hard as it may be to believe, Christians aren't a monolithic group of gay-hating, woman-hating young-earth hillbillies.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:00 AM on February 25, 2009 [5 favorites]

...also: Only In America.

America:Utah -- Developed World:America
posted by everichon at 10:01 AM on February 25, 2009

What's hilarious is they use two very good looking people as part of the banner at the top. Sex sells, even if your selling "don't have sex."
posted by Ironmouth at 10:06 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Don't worry so much. Last time that God and I spoke, he personally assured me that not only is it OK with him, but in fact he actually enjoys watching.
posted by Flunkie at 10:11 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Anyway, I wish the progressive Christian movement would be more vocal on these issues :)

I agree, and it's tough. The sites I linked above, especially Sojourners, are beacons of hope for me.

I go to church at a Salvation Army Harbor Light Center. I'm not really theologically in line with the SA, but I think that their commitment to urban communities is great. I see their impact on my neighborhood all the time.

I got married at a Swedenborgian church in San Francisco. I was very proud a couple months later that when the Supreme Court struck the ban on gay marriage, they were the first church to make major accommodations to marry as many gay people as possible, all for free. In retrospect, they probably realized that the window would be very brief so they had to move quickly.
posted by roll truck roll at 10:16 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

posted by various Some say masturbation is not a sin, some say that it is. But is it really okay in the eyes of God?"

Yes, if it's the Second Coming.
posted by mattdidthat at 10:17 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Who?

Aren't most Americans Christian? So take a random sample of people working for pretty much any cause that you find worthy and some of them are probably Christian.

Don't worry so much. Last time that God and I spoke, he personally assured me that not only is it OK with him, but in fact he actually enjoys watching.

proof, kinda (cartoon nfsw)
posted by ODiV at 10:19 AM on February 25, 2009

Also, if any of the Ex-Masturbator people are reading this thread, riddle me this: if God didn't want us to masturbate, how come he invented Jergen's?

Checkmate.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:23 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

What's up with the "EX-Slave" one though?

I think it's supposed to show that you're no longer a slave to the sin of masturbation.

I'm really more of an indentured servant.

I'm a sole proprietor!
posted by Flunkie at 10:32 AM on February 25, 2009

Ex-Wanker
posted by Pronoiac at 10:35 AM on February 25, 2009

unlike many animal species, and with very few exceptions, humans are not able to lick their own genitals. if it were possible for us to do so, we wouldn't even have invented the wheel yet.
posted by kitchenrat at 10:35 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

humans are not able to lick their own genitals

I double-dare you to search for "self suck" on x-tube.

Apparently all it takes is a little dedication. And a small pillow.
posted by snuffleupagus at 10:43 AM on February 25, 2009

And a big weiner helps too, snuffie.
posted by Mister_A at 10:45 AM on February 25, 2009

at least for the external genitalia crowd.
posted by snuffleupagus at 10:45 AM on February 25, 2009

Umm...I'm not really interested in conducting a survey but I think the dedication may in fact be the determining factor for some of these fellows.
posted by snuffleupagus at 10:47 AM on February 25, 2009

I'm an ex-man living the ex-life taking exlax and not having fun because I have an ex-sex life.
posted by doctorschlock at 10:50 AM on February 25, 2009

I can tell you that the Catholic church on up to the Pope was against the invasion of Iraq, that there are pro-choice Catholics, as well as various and sundry Christian social justice groups.

And I can tell you that the Catholics are making the news here in Raleigh because they are a) starting a support group for people "afflicted" with gayness in order to promote celibacy and b) the Bishops of Charlotte and Raleigh appeared at a news conference to announce the need for an amendment to the state constitution to ban gay marriage-- even though gay marriage is not legal in NC.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 10:51 AM on February 25, 2009

Aren't most Americans Christian?

It's kind of tough to nail that one down. There are a lot of people who are atheists or agnostics, and the polls often make poor estimates or just flatly downplay the number. Add in the number of Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, and other religions I'm missing, and the number gets whittled down. Then, of course, there are the folks who believe Catholics are not, in fact, real Christians. Eventually you can get down below 50%, and say, "No, most Americans are not Christian."

Or I could take the non-sarcastic route and say that most folks in America who decry homosexuality, masturbation, etc. do so as vocal Christians. Most folks who decry torture, war, etc. do so as American citizens without specifying their religion. While they most likely are Christians, they're not acting specifically in the name of Christianity. It seems that a lot of movements in America done in the name of Christianity are petty and selfish.

I really would like Christians to check out Matthew 6:5-6 a few dozen more times.
posted by explosion at 10:51 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Yeah, and that's sad, SLoG. I wasn't trying to make some sort of counterpoint. Just answering the question "Who?"
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:58 AM on February 25, 2009

"so...ex-masturbator, eh?"
"what? oh, the shirt. right. yeah. yes, i am."
"um...so...why?"
"oh...i forgot how"

must own shirt
posted by sexyrobot at 11:00 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Who?

Pater Alethias for one (no snark intended).
Many members of my parish and my denomination (Episcopal). Many do strive to pay attention to and work on the things that we believe matter - poverty, social justice, war, etc. I personally would not attend a parish that was not supportive of same-sex marriage and other issues I care about.

MeFi mail me if you want to discuss; I do not wish to derail.
disclaimer: this is anecdotal evidence based on my own experiences and does not imply that I disagree with the notion that many Christians are bigoted jerks who make a big noise. I sucks hard that the biogted jerks are more vocal and more plentiful.
posted by pointystick at 11:05 AM on February 25, 2009

Is this one of the Ex-Games?
posted by MtDewd at 11:09 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Just why, then, should any of us take these so-called Christians seriously?

Maybe some of those girls are backsliders.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:11 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

I saw one of the "Ex-Fornicator" shirts being worn and presented ironically (said in a mock bad Hollywood southern accent: "That part of my life is over," or words to that effect, when asked if she'd reconsider) at Mardi Gras in New Orleans yesterday. Just to let you know.
posted by raysmj at 11:13 AM on February 25, 2009

"Maybe some of those girls are backsliders."
Is "backslider" a euphemism? 'cause it could be a good one like "saddlebacking".
posted by pointystick at 11:18 AM on February 25, 2009

If you do your wanking in enough strangers' chimneys, you too could be an X-mas-turbator!
posted by Navelgazer at 11:32 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Most folks who decry torture, war, etc. do so as American citizens without specifying their religion. While they most likely are Christians, they're not acting specifically in the name of Christianity. It seems that a lot of movements in America done in the name of Christianity are petty and selfish.

I agree, saying that most Americans who speak out against torture are Christians seems to be as irrelevant as saying that most Americans who speak out against torture are white or eat meat or are a member of any other majority group. Which is odd, because obviously one's religious affiliation or lack thereof has a bearing on one's moral views of something like torture.

Whatever the reason, I think it hurts the image of Christianity as seen by outsiders (such as myself) that the most vocal representatives of their faith tend to focus on the most divisive and least universal aspects of their religious beliefs.
posted by burnmp3s at 11:32 AM on February 25, 2009

Is "backslider" a euphemism? 'cause it could be a good one like "saddlebacking".

Carpet burn is an epidemic problem amongst America's youth.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:33 AM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

"The three second blissful orgasm achieved by masturbation"

three seconds?! this cat could stand to learn from some of the women i've known, who can teach a motherfucker the difference between masturbation as an addiction and masturbation as a genuine expression of self-knowledge and self-love.
posted by barrett caulk at 11:37 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

I want to get a shirt made up that reads "X-Masturbator!".

When people ask about it, I want to explain that I have a passion for the sport and I would like one day to compete in the X-games. Until then, like any good athlete, it's all about the constant practice. Honing yourself to perfection, through diligent concentration and constant repetition until you can perform in your sleep.
posted by quin at 11:47 AM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Honing yourself to perfection

Perhaps not the best choice of words. Ow.
posted by carsonb at 12:01 PM on February 25, 2009

Pater Aletheias, I fully agree with "There is a whole lot more to Christianity than the political right wing."

That said, I do not mean to be disrespectful, but your name suggests you are one of the people who do not put much faith in Jesus's "Call no man father." Priestly organizations can do much good, but not everything they do seems to be in accord with what's in the Bible.

As for the two things you cite as evidence of Jesus's concern about sexuality, those are matters of integrity: you shouldn't divorce because, if you've pledged yourself to someone for life, you should honor your word, and lust, a form of avarice, threatens that vow, so it's something to be wary of.

If you can show me where the Bible says men or women should be virgins, I'd be grateful. Or where it says they shouldn't masturbate. The Bible on homosexuality is trickier, but Jesus never bothered to say anything about it, and I tend to figure that for Christians, what Jesus says should be most important.

I'll also note that you assume all the Pauline letters are authentic. For people who know little of Bible scholarship, I'd recommend starting with Authorship of the Pauline epistles. The undisputed books of Paul are more liberal than those of his suspected imitators, Deutero-Paul and Pastoral Paul.
posted by shetterly at 12:01 PM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Honing yourself to perfection

carsonb : Perhaps not the best choice of words. Ow.

The rhythmic stroking of a tool across an oiled surface? I'll stand by my phrasing.
posted by quin at 12:13 PM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

I ordered one, but it came with a very fortunate typo.
posted by dirty lies at 12:16 PM on February 25, 2009 [4 favorites]

Oh, cool. Btw, I'd like to have it carved in my gravestone. Thank you ! Inspirational.
posted by nicolin at 12:17 PM on February 25, 2009

I guess it depends on the oiled surface you're using. But if you get off on a whetstone, oiled or not, who am I to say anything?
posted by carsonb at 12:18 PM on February 25, 2009

Imagine God before the foundation of the world, creating an orgasm?!!!!! My God, I feel a praise coming on!!!

Da ... ah ... *headsplode*
posted by WCityMike at 12:20 PM on February 25, 2009

"As the caterpillar chooses the fairest leaves to lay her eggs on, so the priest lays his curse on the fairest joys."

--William Blake, The Marriage of Heaven and Hell
posted by hermitosis at 12:25 PM on February 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

Quick, someone call Alexyss Tylor!

(JACKRABBIT!)
posted by bitter-girl.com at 12:26 PM on February 25, 2009

http://shop.cafepress.com/ex-christian
posted by ChrisLee at 12:27 PM on February 25, 2009

WCityMike: "Da ... ah ... *headsplode*"

And, uh, just to clarify, that's *headsplode*.

Head as in cranium.
posted by WCityMike at 12:29 PM on February 25, 2009

I need to get one of those and add to it so it says:

ex-masturbator
current liar
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:33 PM on February 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

912 Greens: They might as well be slipping the dollar bills directly into Dov Charney's thong.

Misread as "Dick Cheney's thong." MINDBLEACH MINDBLEACH MINDBLEACH
posted by hangashore at 12:35 PM on February 25, 2009

I think it's supposed to show that you're no longer a slave to the sin of masturbation.

I can hardly wait until some oh-so-sincere and clueless white-boy proselytizer wears that t-shirt to downtown Compton or Watts. It'll be a real-life Spike Lee film.
posted by happyroach at 12:42 PM on February 25, 2009

MINDBLEACH MINDBLEACH MINDBLEACH

Let me help. Just imagine the thong as leopard-print. Along with it, Dick Cheney is also wearing black, knee-high socks and black patent leather shoes. Rod Stewart's "Tonight's the Night" begins playing. Dick Cheney raises his hands behind his head and he starts dancing, thrusting his hips at you as he slowly approaches you, a smile growing across his face. Paul Wolfowitz is sitting next to your left, nodding his head and grinning, whispering, "Aw, yeah, that's the stuff. Mm, shake it." Alan Greenspan is sitting to your right, wearing adult-sized footie pyjamas and eating oatmeal from a very large bowl. Someone begins to massage your shoulders, and although you can't see who it is, you feel their hot breath on your neck, and hear them murmuring, "Oooh, yeeah, I'll be your P.O.W. any day." And that's when you notice the taut leather straps around your wrists, waist, and ankles.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 12:49 PM on February 25, 2009 [10 favorites]

Ex-Masturbator? More like Pre-Spree Killer.
posted by Pope Guilty at 12:50 PM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

"The three second blissful orgasm achieved by masturbation"

Yeah, again, not doing it right.

The video is pretty funny, though. They all know that nobody's gonna be wearing that shirt. When I was growing up, masturbation was one of those things you didn't mention. For them to wear the shirt, they're acknowledging that they did it.

I'll believe it when I see one.
posted by mrgrimm at 1:00 PM on February 25, 2009

What are you people snarking at?

This is the Internet Age. We've ditched those silly, antiquated 20th century notions of privacy, good taste and personal boundaries.

Why, I think that we should all be compelled to wear t-shirts that advertise uncomfortable details about our sex lives. Each and every one of us -- from the 2-minute missionary position, come-rollover-and-snore folks to the freakiest freaks in McFreakville.

The possibilities are endless.

Front of t-shirt:

I LIKE DRESSING UP IN A CHIMP COSTUME AND BEING WHIPPED AND BEATEN BY A WOMAN IN A ZOOKEEPER COSTUME.

Back of t-shirt:

BAD MONKEY! BAD MONKEY!
posted by jason's_planet at 1:03 PM on February 25, 2009

Front of t-shirt:

MY WIFE THINKS MY PENIS IS TOO SMALL

Back of t-shirt:

BUT SHE STAYS WITH ME BECAUSE I'M A GOOD FATHER TO OUR CHILDREN
posted by jason's_planet at 1:10 PM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Back of t-shirt:

BUT SHE STAYS WITH ME BECAUSE I'M A GOOD FATHER TO OUR CHILDREN

Better yet:

[PICTURE OF DUDE'S WANG]

IS IT?
posted by CKmtl at 1:23 PM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

I’m curious what Wolverine and Professor X think about this. I mean the mutant rights movement has enough problems without...y’know...


I’d like to wear a shirt that says “Ex-Defenestrator” and eye some folks carefully. In a tall building.
posted by Smedleyman at 1:33 PM on February 25, 2009 [4 favorites]

I think this appealing to actual traditions within evangelcalism/ fundamentalism. The first is the "lurid testimony:" I was the most sinningest, lowdownest philanderer, most vile thief and liar, You wouldn't believe the evil I got into, but one day after waking up in a pile of naked bodies I realized . . . And the next day my friend led me to Jesus."

The second is more related to Pentecostal/African-American traditiosn what I would call spontaneous, or [ahem] "Ejaculatory Declarations" of praise and deliverance.

It's just adapting this type of thing for pop culture. I mean every damn webpage has an ad for Snorg Tees, shouldn't the Ex-Fornicators have something?
posted by MasonDixon at 2:21 PM on February 25, 2009

All this thing is is someone's attempt to make some money.

Which is what about 90% of all the Jesus Junk I see is.

*sigh*
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:32 PM on February 25, 2009

I hope the back of the shirt says "EX- IS FOR EXUBERANT!"

Mine would say "EXCESSIVE!"
posted by Curry at 2:34 PM on February 25, 2009

If I see one of these Ex-Masturbator shirts, I'm going to challenge them to prove it.
posted by Smedleyman at 2:45 PM on February 25, 2009

Let me help.

I hate you so much.

So much...
posted by quin at 2:47 PM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: it's going to be filled with masturbators.
posted by CynicalKnight at 2:47 PM on February 25, 2009

I like to sometimes imagine god, sitting up there, with a whole bunch of people on his right hand (who sits on his left?), checking stuff out on like a huge bank of flatscreens. Pestilence here, genocide there, starvation somewhere else. Woman getting raped and then knifed in an alleyway. Guy who took some bread to feed his family getting his hand chopped off with a machete. Couple kids setting fire to a dog. Buncha scientists working on a new biological weapon which actually melts your eyes out of your face and then turns your heart inside out.

God nods, pleased. “All is as it should be,” he mutters through his long white beard, which is perfectly white, unlike the long white beards of most other old men, which are sort of brownish-yellow around the mouth area, from soup or whatever. God picks up this really big remote control (he calls it the ‘Megatron’) and flicks through the channels, only half paying attention to the never-ending catalogue of despair, misery, suffering and tragedy. Grabs a fistful of chips out of a fancy bowl. But then something catches his eye. His hand stops, halfway to his mouth. He flicks back one channel. “On screen!” he bellows, and the image moves onto a huge projector, with really good DPI. He peers closely at the grainy, ghostly green image. A young Cornish boy, thirteen or fourteen years old (“Bring me his file!” he calls to Saint Christopher, throwing the chips at him), hand sneaking beneath his pyjama pants as he lies in bed.

God stares, stricken with horror. A single tear rolls down his cheek. He sighs, leans forward, cradles his forehead with his hand. “Should we say something?” Saint Ignatius whispers to Saint Paul.

“No,” says Paul, “Just leave him be. He’s hurting enough.”
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:58 PM on February 25, 2009 [30 favorites]

I'll give it up when they pry my cold dead fingers from around. . . .oh never mind.
posted by Danf at 3:01 PM on February 25, 2009

Turgid Dahlia, that was beautiful.
posted by MasonDixon at 3:11 PM on February 25, 2009

It's kind of tough to nail that one down.

No, it's not. America is largely Christian, no question.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:12 PM on February 25, 2009

If God had wanted us not to masturbate He would have made our arms shorter.

Why do you think god put us on Earth at the same time as the tyrannosaurus rex? They were there to set an example!
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:24 PM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Brandon Blatcher - America is largely nominally Christian, to be sure, but not in the way in which the people running this site mean it (i.e. "Born Again.") So we're talking at least two different definitions of "Christian" here (more once you bring in the questions of whether Catholicism counts, well what about LDS, etc .) Among the born again community, wearing a shirt that said "ex-masturbator" would be met would approval. That is not most of America. It's a not-insignificant percentage, but far from "most."
posted by Navelgazer at 3:25 PM on February 25, 2009

Why do you think god put us on Earth at the same time as the tyrannosaurus rex?

Moreover, how do you think they became extinct?

"Grrraaaaarrgh! I can't ... reach it! Unf ... urrgh ... GRAAAAAAAAARGH SCREW IT!"

*runs off cliff*
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:33 PM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Backslider.

Though, really, a backslider is one who reverts to his sinful ways (wrongdoing in general) after committing himself to Jesus and/or Christianity. I heard that word a lot growing up... sigh.

If I'm made in God's image, then I will thank the Lord for what he has made and celebrate it as I see fit. Orgasms are fantastic; if I weren't meant to have them, and by any means possible, I don't see why God would have bothered to make them possible in the first place.

Life is short; pleasure is fleeting but essential in order to survive all the stress we endure on a daily basis. I am personally thanking God RIGHT NOW that I'm a woman and can have lots and lots and LOTS of orgasms!

Now, pardon me while I go pray. (It's private.)
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 3:36 PM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah... blacks and whites can be friends in christ's church?
posted by subaruwrx at 4:20 PM on February 25, 2009

I personally want the "EX-fornicator" t-shirt. It says so much, you know?
posted by Mental Wimp at 4:24 PM on February 25, 2009

Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, $6 for two week shipping? Pass.
posted by subaruwrx at 4:32 PM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Among the born again community, wearing a shirt that said "ex-masturbator" would be met would approval.

No, because for one thing, we frown on lying.

But to be serious for a moment, in MY born-again community, we'd think someone wearing a shirt like that was, well, ridiculous-a blatant sign of either pride, lack of discretion, or just plain foolishness.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:33 PM on February 25, 2009

Well, this is going to be the centerpiece of the uniform in my born-again community on the day we go to heaven and the authorities find our bodies in the communal yurt.
posted by swift at 4:43 PM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

EX-THEICIDAL

There was one god
posted by LanTao at 4:45 PM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

It doesn't surprise me that there are plenty of intelligent people who don't know the first thing about the Bible. What surprises me is that they either think that they do, or are willing to pontificate in spite of their ignorance, hoping no one catches on.

I searched the online bible simply for the word "sex" and here's what popped up. Looks like ol' Paul was a bit obsessed, judging by the number of references in Romans, Corinthians, etc.
posted by Mental Wimp at 4:50 PM on February 25, 2009

Good job, Mental Wimp!
posted by roll truck roll at 5:03 PM on February 25, 2009

Genesis 19:5: They called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them."

MetaFilter 26:2: Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:10 PM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

The shirt is good, but I'd like shirts that were more specific. I mean yes I used to masterbate, but I want people to know I used to masterbate to tranny porn. Yeah know what I mean. I want to let it all hang out.

EX-BOOGER-EATER, would make a good T also.
posted by nola at 5:13 PM on February 25, 2009

Jesus Christ, some people are screwed up...

Our Jesus Christ screwed up some people...

best said with Cumbrian dialect
posted by five fresh fish at 5:40 PM on February 25, 2009

Maybe shirts with a velcro patch on them?

 xxx    xxx
x   x  x   x
x   x  x   x
x   x  x   x
 xxx    xxx

days since I
masturbated
THINK CLEANLY
posted by Pronoiac at 5:46 PM on February 25, 2009

But to be serious for a moment, in MY born-again community, we'd think someone wearing a shirt like that was, well, ridiculous-a blatant sign of either pride, lack of discretion, or just plain foolishness.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies

That makes sense, but can bunnies wear any clothing without looking foolish?
posted by flaterik at 5:55 PM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Haha, that is excellent, Mental Wimp. I loved this line:

Do not dishonor your father by having sexual relations with your mother. She is your mother; do not have relations with her.

I imagine someone saying in an increasingly disturbed and grossed out voice, like

"Do not dishonor your father by having...sexual relations with your...your mother. She's your mother! DO NOT HAVE RELATIONS WITH HER!"
posted by voltairemodern at 6:01 PM on February 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

In any community I've ever been a part of, wearing a shirt that says "EX-MASTURBATOR" would label you as a huge fucking creep everyone should stay the hell away from.

Of course, in the starry-eyed Campus Crusade for Christ crowd, everyone likes to talk about what a huge sinner they used to be / how righteous they are now. They also like to have "pray-ins" where they stay up all night in a basement, so they can know what it's like to be homeless. True Story.
posted by dunkadunc at 6:05 PM on February 25, 2009

"Ex-masturbator" may just be bragging about how you're getting all the action you can handle now.
posted by shetterly at 6:05 PM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Well, you can shake their hand without hesitation.
posted by Hovercraft Eel at 6:44 PM on February 25, 2009

Cute baby shower gift idea: "Pre-Masturbator" onesie.
posted by swift at 6:51 PM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'd like to see the studies that show which denominations are really set on fire by the epistles of Paul.

I have no "studies" to back up my contention (on the other hand, I see no "studies" cited in your comment, either), but I've been part of any number of congregations in which the Pauline epistles set people on fire, and did so in a major way. It's just as difficult to imagine the New Testament without the Pauline epistles as it is to imagine it without the Gospels, and there are few Christians who would not consider Paul's writings to be part of "the core texts" of Christianity. If I somehow seemed to imply otherwise, then you are absolutely correct -- and I was indeed wrong.

Whether Paul's epistles are or are not obsessed with certain themes that the Gospels are or are not obsessed with is another debate altogether, but I really don't see that you gain very much by implying that you think that I'm not only ignorant but willfully ignorant.
posted by blucevalo at 7:27 PM on February 25, 2009

Jesus is my cum-rag.

I knew I couldn't be the only one who calls it the shroud of turin.
posted by troybob at 7:50 PM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

People are going to buy these because they are hilarious, and they are going to end up indirectly supporting the stated cause. Nightmare fuel.
posted by Arquimedez Pozo at 9:13 PM on February 25, 2009

Ex-hypocrite would lead me to believe that these people have left the Republican Party?
posted by mmrtnt at 9:49 PM on February 25, 2009

Ex-masturbator would mean... uh, I've found someone to fuck?
posted by mmrtnt at 9:53 PM on February 25, 2009

Ex-Interneter

I'm buying one
posted by mmrtnt at 9:58 PM on February 25, 2009

I keep hearing that guy's misery of masturbation poem remixed as a Wesley Willis song. Only Wesley could do that bit of doggerel justice.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:55 PM on February 25, 2009

Among the born again community, wearing a shirt that said "ex-masturbator" would be met would approval.

No, because for one thing, we frown on lying.

But to be serious for a moment, in MY born-again community, we'd think someone wearing a shirt like that was, well, ridiculous-a blatant sign of either pride, lack of discretion, or just plain foolishness.

Fair enough, St. Alia. I was thinking back to my born-again youth group, where this sort of thing would have honestly been encouraged. The ex-masturbator shirt anyway. Ex-fornicator would've gone over like a lead balloon, but that's because any teen known to not be a virgin was basically shown a back door in that group.

Your community sounds better than the one I knew (meaning that very sincerely.)
posted by Navelgazer at 10:56 PM on February 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ex-Masturbator

Cumming out of retirement.
posted by mazola at 11:06 PM on February 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Cute baby shower gift idea: "Pre-Masturbator" onesie.

Since masturbation has been observed in utero, ex-masturbator would be appropriate even for a baby (assuming they have stopped)

Also, in response to The Madness, The Misery of Masturbation, how about a pro-masturbation song?
posted by TedW at 4:43 AM on February 26, 2009

Ask and ye shall receive.
posted by jeffburdges at 5:57 AM on February 26, 2009

Username obliged comment.
posted by Onanist at 6:42 AM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

any teen known to not be a virgin was basically shown a back door in that group.

That's known as "saddlebacking" these days, IIRC. Don't get santorum on the sheets, or mum will find out!
posted by five fresh fish at 7:34 AM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Apparently all it takes is a little dedication. And a small pillow.
posted by snuffleupagus at 1:43 PM on February 25 [+] [!]

And a big weiner helps too, snuffie.
posted by Mister_A at 1:45 PM on February 25 [+] [!]

Dedication...check
Small Pillow...check
Big wein....God damn it!
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 7:50 AM on February 26, 2009

If their god really did exist and is full of love like the talk about, wouldn't he want them to enjoy the wonderful body he gave them? Why would he put the clit on women if it wasn't so people could have fun?

I thought here at Metafilter, we believed the enjoyment bits were just a happy accident of evolution.
posted by weston at 3:46 PM on February 26, 2009

You didn't get the latest memo, weston? We've changed our stance on that issue.

Keep up.
posted by ODiV at 4:11 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Like a crack addict addicted to crack,
I am addicted to myself.

That is all.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 1:24 PM on February 27, 2009

I wonder if the creator of the What the the Fuck webcomic is a Mefite. :)
posted by WCityMike at 9:10 AM on February 28, 2009