Your Kid's Band Sucks!

February 26, 2009 7:41 PM

A Jonas Brothers Guide for Adults . "If you're expecting them to fade away...think again." Tweens unite! "It's full scream ahead!" Ohhhh, myyyyy!

Huffington Post: Tweens To Freak For Jonas Brothers In 3D.

ParentDish: 5 Reasons Why I Truly, Madly, Deeply Love the Jonas Brothers.

StarPlus.com: Jonas Brothers Win 'Worst Album,' 'Worst Band' Honors at last evening's NME Awards.

posted by ericb (53 comments total)

So that's what happened to those dorks I used to babysit.
posted by humannaire at 7:50 PM on February 26

They said Nelson would fade away too.
posted by Joe Beese at 8:08 PM on February 26

Eventually young teen girls must learn to cynically rise above the mass market entertainment being peddled to them. *smokes pipe*
posted by shii at 8:26 PM on February 26 [2 favorites has favorites]

omigodomigodomigodomigodomigodomigod JOBROS
posted by QuarterlyProphet at 8:28 PM on February 26

Wow, Tiger Beat is still around! That was the must-read magazine of my tween years (and I was a tween before tween was even a word -- yeah, yeah, get off my lawn).
posted by amyms at 8:30 PM on February 26

The harvest will be good this year.
posted by The White Hat at 8:31 PM on February 26 [5 favorites has favorites]

HEY! What's in that pipe? It smells funny! Can I have some? Will it help me "rise above the mass market entertainment being peddled to me?" /14 year old AV
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 8:36 PM on February 26 [1 favorite has favorites]

Remember Hanson?

Aren't they due for a tour with Leif Garrett?
posted by munchingzombie at 8:36 PM on February 26

Remember Hanson?

One of the Hanson boys is in a new supergroup.
posted by amyms at 8:39 PM on February 26

Yeah, just like Menudo, New Kids, NSYNC, etc, etc, etc, etc, all weren't going away.
posted by GavinR at 8:40 PM on February 26

Hey now, if the Beatles, Scott Walker and Cornelius could transcend their pop idol beginnings, then there's hope for these lads. Give them time that pipe.
posted by naju at 8:53 PM on February 26 [3 favorites has favorites]

My high-school aged sister mentioned tonight that the Jonas Brothers are due to show up at theaters across the country to surprise fans, and gushed over how amazing it would be if they showed up here. She could not, unfortunately, elaborate on why that would be so amazing, nor could she explain why they were so great.

She also didn't appreciate my dad's comment that "for all you know, they aren't all they great in person. Maybe they kick dogs or something."
posted by niles at 9:02 PM on February 26 [5 favorites has favorites]

There have been some bands that made some amazing music at a really young age -- Cap'n Jazz, Rites of Spring to name two off the top of my head.

Which just emphasizes the fact that kids these days have horrible fucking taste in music, not to mention everything else.
posted by bardic at 9:04 PM on February 26 [1 favorite has favorites]

Might kinda suck to be a tween heartthrob band like the Jonas Brothers--the first ten rows of every concert will be filled with nubile young women who desperately want to have sex with you, and every single girl has a long jail sentence attached.* At least Foghat doesn't have to card their groupies.**

* Not that many rockers quibble about such minor details as legal age if you read the anecdotes of roadies.
** Well, maybe for a senior-citizen's discount.
posted by maxwelton at 9:12 PM on February 26 [2 favorites has favorites]

That'd sell albums Niles, "Dog kickin' good!"
posted by jellywerker at 9:13 PM on February 26

One of the Hanson boys is in a new supergroup.

James Iha and one of the Hansons? Well that pretty Friggin' weird. I guess it will be interesting, though. I've thought that the 'reunited' smashing pumpkins kinda sucked.

When I was a kid I remember hearing about all the, I guess I would call it "Old people music", it's hard to think of any examples, maybe Bryan Adams? I wondered how anyone could listen to crap like that. I wonder if that's how kids today feel about bands I like now like Arcade Fire or the Decemberists? Or the "new" Smashing Pumpkins for that matter.

It's weird to think of the "kids today" not rocking out to 1979 and Bullet with Butterfly Wings. And of course there was plenty of vapid palbum like Briney Spears, N'Synch, etc.
posted by delmoi at 9:29 PM on February 26

I feel like I should hate these little twerps, but I just can't be bothered. I hadn't even heard of them until a few months ago, and the only time I hear about them now is when they're disdainfully mentioned on the Internet.

Remember when older people hated the kids' music because it was anti-establishment/sexually provocative/etc.? Now the kids' music is hateable because it's a completely soulless, corporate, plastic, unthreatening-to-anyone product. Before too long, Top 40 pop music will be completely prefabricated on 1984-style versificators and twinky twerps like the Jonas Brothers will just be the corporate spokesmodels for it. We're pretty close to that already.
posted by DecemberBoy at 9:37 PM on February 26 [1 favorite has favorites]

Also, as a wise man once said: "There's something I don't like about a band that always smiles."
posted by DecemberBoy at 9:39 PM on February 26 [1 favorite has favorites]

When I was a kid I remember hearing about all the, I guess I would call it "Old people music", it's hard to think of any examples, maybe Bryan Adams? I wondered how anyone could listen to crap like that. I wonder if that's how kids today feel about bands I like now like Arcade Fire or the Decemberists? Or the "new" Smashing Pumpkins for that matter.


My impression was that no one over 12 would ever admit to liking these schmucks. It's the same demographic that liked New Kids on the Block, Hanson, or any other similar product-band: adolescent suburban white girls with lots of disposable income. In a few years they'll grow out of it, will be embarrassed to have ever liked them, and a new product-band will come along for the new generation of adolescent suburban white girls with lots of disposable income. The Circle of Crap.
posted by DecemberBoy at 9:44 PM on February 26

adolescent suburban white girls with lots of disposable income.

Data Point: The Obama girls are big fans, or at least one of them is (I don't remember which)
posted by delmoi at 9:49 PM on February 26

But these huge group sexual frenzies are interesting. Because that's what they are: massive amounts of girlish erotic force. Is it just a 20th and 21st century thing? Is it just linked to the rise of mass media? The riots at Valentino's funeral were a flare up of the same impulse, imo. *wanders off muttering, kicking old Partridge Family issues of TeenBeat out of the way*
posted by jokeefe at 9:54 PM on February 26 [1 favorite has favorites]

In something like a Utopia the government would issue Rock and Roll Licenses and improprieties such as this would be prevented by an elite and powerful branch of the police, drowning out those who oxymoronically purport to be in a rock and roll band while wearing purity rings with some really loud Slayer.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 10:25 PM on February 26

In something like a Utopia the government would issue Rock and Roll Licenses and improprieties such as this would be prevented by an elite and powerful branch of the police, drowning out those who oxymoronically purport to be in a rock and roll band while wearing purity rings with some really loud Slayer.

Otherwise known as the theme to Rush's 2112.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:48 PM on February 26 [3 favorites has favorites]

Last summer, I went to hear Conor Oberst and his Mystic Valley friends play. As the band came out, I heard someone behind me gasp, "They look like the Jonas Brothers." And it was true.

Conor Oberst is a Jonas brother for Old People.
posted by betweenthebars at 11:02 PM on February 26 [7 favorites has favorites]

Might kinda suck to be a tween heartthrob band like the Jonas Brothers--the first ten rows of every concert will be filled with nubile young women who desperately want to have sex with you, and every single girl has a long jail sentence attached.

Uhhhhhhh, from their Wikipedia page:

"to signify their vow to abstain from premarital sex, on their left-hand ring finger they all wear purity rings...Joe [Jonas] has said that the rings symbolize "a promise to ourselves and to God that we'll stay pure till marriage," and Nick had stated that "it's purity rings pretty awesome, and the rings are just one of our ways of kind of like being different than everybody else out there." They reportedly started wearing the rings when their parents, Denise and Kevin Sr., asked them if they wanted to. They also reportedly abstain from alcohol, tobacco, and drugs."
posted by banishedimmortal at 11:21 PM on February 26

Conor Oberst is a Jonas brother for Old People.

You take that back.
posted by jokeefe at 11:31 PM on February 26 [2 favorites has favorites]

jokeefe- conor oberst is a Jonas brother for people who drink, smoke (something) and have pre-marital sex.
posted by mrzarquon at 11:55 PM on February 26

Doesn't he have an anti-smoking song?
posted by mannequito at 12:59 AM on February 27 [1 favorite has favorites]

"to signify their vow to abstain from premarital sex, on their left-hand ring finger they all wear purity rings...Joe [Jonas] has said that the rings symbolize "a promise to ourselves and to God that we'll stay pure till marriage,"

Okay, now I can bother to hate them. Jesus, that's just repulsive. As bad as NKOTB or NSync or Backstreet Boys etc. etc. were, at least they didn't fucking wear "purity rings" to "promise to God to stay pure till marriage". That's so far over the top that it's like a parody of corporate Disney-wholesome kiddie-pop. Can the Ramones please reincarnate into 19-year-old bodies and return to us to destroy this crap?
posted by DecemberBoy at 1:06 AM on February 27

I can't hear the name of these guys without thinking of The Onion's The Outside Scoop:

2008 was the year of the Jonas Bothers. Peppy, good looking, and they can dance, too. "Burning Up" was the song for the summer, fall, winter, and spring combined! Now, I love music, and I appreciate cryptic names, but I can't get my head around the Jonas Bothers. What a weird name! The Jonas Bothers…bothers whom exactly? It seems that they're all related, so you'd think that the Jonas Family would have been more appropriate

posted by kcds at 4:58 AM on February 27

Hi. You've reached the Corey Hotline.
Maybe you and I will get married some day.
posted by Spatch at 5:33 AM on February 27 [4 favorites has favorites]

of course there was plenty of vapid palbum

Like Billy Corgan. LOL.
posted by Hovercraft Eel at 5:36 AM on February 27

Conor Oberst is a Jonas brother for Old People.

Is he related to Conor Obersturmbannfuhrer?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:48 AM on February 27

I have never heard even one thing about these guys until now, and I don't exactly trust the MSNBC and Disney sites to set me straight (and Tiger Beat is still around?) so: what phase is the hype and madness in? Are Nick, Joe and Kevin in the future, present, or past of teenage girls? Which one is the dreamy one?

of course there was plenty of vapid palbum

Palbum sounds a little too intimate for my liking.
posted by pracowity at 6:11 AM on February 27

Man, it must be weird living that lifestyle. To have your entire life defined by Disney. Every production they've starred in has been a Disney one, every concert has been Disney-sponsored, and their popularity is based solely on them being marketed to tweens on the Disney Channel, Disney Radio, and Disney CDs 24/7.

They seem happy. But I imagine it must feel stifling.
posted by Rhaomi at 6:21 AM on February 27

Especially late at night in The Compound when Minnie and Daisy slip into bed next to you and all you can do before the injection takes hold is hope is that they didn't bring Pluto this time.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:37 AM on February 27 [5 favorites has favorites]

I see scandal on the horizon. Mark my words, within two years one of them will be caught on tape doing blow with a hooker in a Santa Monica hotel room.

I can dream, can't I?
posted by Evangeline at 6:39 AM on February 27

Oh NME, you're so funny.

MGMT, Muse, Kings of Leon and Oasis were among the winners at the Shockwaves NME Awards in London on Wednesday night. Brooklyn, New York duo MGMT grabbed two prizes - they were named Best New Band before receiving the Best Track award for "Time To Pretend."

Shockwaves? Heh, more like waves of ... being unimpressed. Declaring The Jonas Brothers the worst thing ever is just their way of raising above the Tween noise.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:02 AM on February 27

On a side note, did we really need the term tweenager, or its even more annoying abbreviation tweens? Ugh, just typing those in gave me the gooseflesh.
posted by jester69 at 7:21 AM on February 27

I recently dated a lady who has two little girls, ages 6 and 9. I was amazed at the movies I was able to sit through and my ability to enjoy the things they enjoyed. But the Jonas Brothers were the one thing that made me want to stick rusty nails in my ears. I'd rather help with another stuffed animal wedding anytime over having to listen to or see the Jonas Brothers ever again.
posted by marxchivist at 7:22 AM on February 27 [1 favorite has favorites]

Shrug. Not my taste, but their fans seem to dig it. If I got all het up every time millions of people liked something that I thought was junk, I'd have a goddamn aneurysm.
posted by box at 7:27 AM on February 27 [1 favorite has favorites]

If we have to endure another manufactured teen pop boy band, could we at least pick cute boys? These guys are ugly. They're too old to pull off the look they have, and sideburns-guy is really freaking ugly with the greaser getup. The gay one's kinda cute though.
posted by Nelson at 7:31 AM on February 27

My cousin spent an hour telling me about how great the Jonas brothers are, showing me a scrapbook she made, and reading to me a fan fic she wrote starring them.

I nodded along and smiled, and then made my mother her favorite dinner and offered my abject apology for my New Kids on the Block years.

One day she'll be making me Sangria chicken and apologizing.

Thus is the cycle of life.
posted by FunkyHelix at 8:10 AM on February 27 [4 favorites has favorites]

Cynics insisted Bobby Sherman would never last, too...
posted by steambadger at 8:32 AM on February 27

"The way I feel about the Rolling Stones is the way my kids are going to feel about Nine Inch Nails, so I really shouldn't torment my Mom anymore."
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 9:13 AM on February 27

I used to call them Jewish Hanson, and then I found out that, despite their dark features and that curly mop of hair on the youngest one, they're not Jewish at all. A huge disappointment.
posted by munyeca at 9:20 AM on February 27

When the Jonas Brothers get done singing, their throat gets parched. That's why they drink ORANGE DRINK. And I love ORANGE DRINK.
posted by zenon at 9:29 AM on February 27

I wonder if that's how kids today feel about bands I like now like Arcade Fire or the Decemberists?

That's all packaged up in a deceptively simple and easy to deride package called "indie" that can be disregarded as the realm of the objectionable group known as "hipsters."

Everyone does this with whatever's outside their scene.
posted by Mr. Anthropomorphism at 11:14 AM on February 27

It must be hell for the gay one to grow up in that fundie environment.
posted by Ber at 11:54 AM on February 27 [1 favorite has favorites]

"to signify their vow to abstain from premarital sex

That's just marketing. This is the formula for this kind of adolescent-targeted performer/band/act:

Are you a girl?

YES -> Your market is teenage boys. Dress skimpily, and sing about how much you want to get it on with them.

NO -> Are you a boy?

YES -> Your market is teenage girls. Sing about how pure your love is and how you will be everlasting and eternally in love with them.


This group is the "boy" type, therefore it's all purity rings, faithfulness, and everlasting love.
posted by -harlequin- at 12:25 PM on February 27 [1 favorite has favorites]

Caution: This discussion contains users known to the state of California to be jaded.
posted by -harlequin- at 12:29 PM on February 27 [1 favorite has favorites]

They fade away pretty quickly when you don't pay attention to them.

[walks away whistling "Just don't look! Just don't look!"]
posted by Saxon Kane at 4:47 PM on February 27

Is it just a 20th and 21st century thing?

Dude, Liszt had *panties* thrown at him.
posted by The Whelk at 10:07 AM on March 5