Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.

March 3, 2009 11:11 AM

"The Jedi Knights are known for their supposed ability to perform "miracles." They can influence others' thoughts with a wave of their hand, use a slender light saber to deflect blaster bolts with their eyes closed, jump great heights in full gravity, move objects without touching them, see into the future, and do many other things that normal people can't. Or so they claim."
posted by Pope Guilty (42 comments total)

I'm so sick of these goddamn head-in-the-sand "scientists" who ignore the challenges of Intelligent Midichlorian Design, despite the glaring holes in their so-called theories.

TEACH THE CONTROVERSY
posted by middleclasstool at 11:18 AM on March 3, 2009 [11 favorites]

I've been living a lie!
posted by mazola at 11:19 AM on March 3, 2009

Wow - Netcom still exists?!?
posted by twsf at 11:24 AM on March 3, 2009 [4 favorites]

Mitochlorians. It's just science.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:24 AM on March 3, 2009

I find your lack of faith disturbing
posted by ElvisJesus at 11:30 AM on March 3, 2009 [22 favorites]

I still rue the day when George Lucas took an ancient religion done by that old fool Ben Kenobi, and turned it into something boring and scientific.
posted by willmize at 11:32 AM on March 3, 2009 [3 favorites]

The difference here is, their Spaghetti Monster doesn't fly. He lives underground.
posted by hifiparasol at 11:32 AM on March 3, 2009

The analysis of how Yoda is as much of a loser as Gonzo (from PvP):

As with all muppets, everything he does fails. He talks about how Anakin is troubled, but still lets him become a padawan and a Jedi. He works closely with Palpatine AKA Darth Sideous without ever so much as thinking twice. He’s the general of the so-called Clone Army, which kills all of his Jedi but Obi-Wan. He effs up the fight against Sideous.

He doesn’t want to train Luke. Then, when he does want to train Luke, he doesn’t want Luke to leave. If Luke hadn’t left, the whole rebellion could have fallen.

Not until Yoda dies do things go right for the rebellion against the Empire. Yoda’s rise is the rise of the Empire.

Dude is a muppet through and through.”

AKA JEDI MASTER FAIL
posted by GuyZero at 11:33 AM on March 3, 2009 [22 favorites]

The indomitably nerdy amongst us should not miss the Logan's Run FAQ, available from the same author.
posted by kaibutsu at 11:36 AM on March 3, 2009

Last modified on 1-December-2004

Next up, that brand new site The Best Page in the Universe!
posted by coolguymichael at 11:37 AM on March 3, 2009

A life. Get.
posted by tommasz at 11:40 AM on March 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

SadDevotionToThisAncientReligionFilter
posted by Spatch at 11:43 AM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

The analysis of how Yoda is as much of a loser as Gonzo

When Eps 1&2 came out and were terrible, I read some article (at Slate?) about how the entire thing could still be saved with a surprise twist in Ep 3. And he went on to reimagine everything with Yoda being the evil one and Vader as the good guy. Everything fit. It was genius.
posted by DU at 11:44 AM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

I remember that article, too. It was fantastically good.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:53 AM on March 3, 2009

DU: "The analysis of how Yoda is as much of a loser as Gonzo

When Eps 1&2 came out and were terrible, I read some article (at Slate?) about how the entire thing could still be saved with a surprise twist in Ep 3. And he went on to reimagine everything with Yoda being the evil one and Vader as the good guy. Everything fit. It was genius."

Somebody help me track this shit down!
posted by Science! at 11:53 AM on March 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

Are you guys thinking of this David Brin article?
posted by Greg Nog at 11:57 AM on March 3, 2009

No, I don't think the Brin is the thing. And there isn't much hope of googling one particular Star Wars article on the Internet.
posted by DU at 12:00 PM on March 3, 2009

From the Logan's Run FAQ (at the very end):

In fact, your comments will not only be WELCOME, but I will personally respond to every Logan's Run related tidbit you e-mail me by sending back a cheap (really cheap) ASCII art picture of one of the guns they used in the movie/series!

This guy just might be the Awesomest Nerd EVAR.
posted by slogger at 12:00 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Victim: Let me see your identification.
Jedi: [waving one hand] You don't need to see his identification.
Victim: ...Sir, step out of the vehicle please.
Jedi: I don’t need to step out of the vehicle.
Victim: Yeah...you’re going to need to remove my foot from your ass in a minute you don’t get out of the speeder.
Jedi: I don’t need to remove your foot from my...uh...
Group: *chortle*

Old, kinda trite, but I do like the juxtoposition of the miraculous with the insights from science.
Mostly as to what we take for granted.
I mean, ok, walking on water - miraculous. Let’s take it as read someone could actually walk on water.

So? Look at the fucking SUN! A burning ball of gas millions of miles away burning for millions of years without which no life on Earth is possible. On top of that it’s an incredibly complex cyclic star, plus, the mechanisms of fusion we’re just starting to understand and we still can’t replicate (enough to be usedful -so far). That’s just for starters - the atmosphere, the water cycle, the entire Earth environment, the magnetic sheild that protects us from cosmic radiation, this vastly complex system all life relies on - down to the amazing colonies of bacteria in our guts that we’re in symbiosis with, all this nearly incomprehensible in its complexity - but Ooh! a guy can lift rocks with his mind - suddenly all that we just take for granted.

Manipulation of the environment by technology is far far more wonderous than it is by natural or supernatural ability.

You can deflect laser blasts, swell. Can you move at lightspeed? No? My ship can.
You can jump high, can you fly? Huh, there are jet packs that can help you do exactly that (Boba Fett’s got one now).

Even granting the force (or miracles) as ‘technology by other means’ - it’s only real advantage is that it’s so compact and transportable. On the other hand, it’s not perfectly reliable like a well engineered piece of equipment, so there’s a trade off there.

Only interesting thing about the force was the ‘hokey’ mysticism that revealed the underlying connectedness of all things, take that away (as Lucas did) and yeah it’s just a bunch of neat tricks done by elitists.
posted by Smedleyman at 12:00 PM on March 3, 2009 [5 favorites]

When calling one religion hokey, it's best to avoid talking about the unfounded parts of other religions.

The highest-ranking members of the Jedi Order are called Jedi "Masters"; Yoda is the most well-known, and the most notorious, of these Jedi Masters. His followers treat him with the highest, unquestioning reverence, gobbling up his homespun wisdom as though it were manna from heaven. (emphasis mine)

See, manna is Biblical, part of a religious fable/ myth/ whatnot, which some claim refer to magic mushrooms. In short, no one knows what Manna was really referring to. My suggestion for this particular case: "gobbling up his homespun wisdom as though it were a plate of delicious Wookie Cookies (not to be confused with bantha pies).
posted by filthy light thief at 12:10 PM on March 3, 2009

Overthought, this plate of beans is.
posted by BigLankyBastard at 12:16 PM on March 3, 2009 [9 favorites]

FTL: It's pretty common knowledge that manna refers to cards with mountains, and trees and shit that give power to your monster, elves and dwarves.
posted by Science! at 12:18 PM on March 3, 2009 [6 favorites]

Chad Vader returns from the Dentist
posted by homunculus at 12:38 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

From the David Brin article:

Above all, I never cared for the whole Nietzschian Ubermensch thing: the notion -- pervading a great many myths and legends -- that a good yarn has to be about demigods who are bigger, badder and better than normal folk by several orders of magnitude.

Kind of reminds me of Brad Bird and the Incredibles.

For the record, I, a child of the 70s and 80s, have come to loath George Lucas and Star Wars. I don't care if my children ever see the movies.
posted by KokuRyu at 12:43 PM on March 3, 2009

This is not the FPP you're looking for.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 12:44 PM on March 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

Chad Vader returns from the Dentist
Nononono, don't put that in your vent, Chad.
That is all kinds of awesome.
posted by Bernt Pancreas at 12:46 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Chad Vader is bigger than you imagine (or, at least created to seem large), as Chad Vader has been translated into at least 5 languages, including Portuguese, Spanish, French, Chinese, Hebrew and Lingua Franca Nova.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:02 PM on March 3, 2009

Reading this was a real hoot. Thanks for posting, Pope!
posted by chudmonkey at 1:31 PM on March 3, 2009

Guilty indeed, Mr. Pope. You have blastered my childish dreams. *sobs, runs off to Middle Earth*
posted by Cranberry at 2:18 PM on March 3, 2009

R2-D2 Subtitled for Your Pleasure
posted by homunculus at 2:25 PM on March 3, 2009 [3 favorites]

WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

ALDERAAN WAS AN INSIDE JOB!
posted by qvantamon at 2:29 PM on March 3, 2009 [12 favorites]

Chad Vader is good, as is Eddie Izzard, discussing the Death Star canteen.
posted by twsf at 2:33 PM on March 3, 2009 [3 favorites]

You can jump high, can you fly? Huh, there are jet packs that can help you do exactly that (Boba Fett’s got one now).


Yeah, he does have it with him...in the stomach of Sarlac. (And no, as much as I would have liked, he was not burped up out of the pit so some hack could write a crappy book.)
posted by P.o.B. at 2:38 PM on March 3, 2009

I'm not sure I can take this seriously.

Most conspiracy theories I have been able to validate are published on black backgrounds with brightly-colored text and a veritable armada of outrageous pictoral evidence, preferably in animated gif form.

If any of this were true, it would warrant the most attention grabbing tags one could find on their HTML quick guides.

The docility of design here screams FAKE!
posted by pokermonk at 2:41 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Midichlorians my arse!
posted by Artw at 3:13 PM on March 3, 2009

LOLJEDIS
posted by Law Talkin' Guy at 3:45 PM on March 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

Further evidence: if it were actually true that "size matters not" for their telekinetic powers, Vader never would have needed a Death Star. He could have just telekinesed any planet which displeased him into the nearest star. Yet, somehow, the Empire felt the need to construct a massive, and no doubt very expensive planet-destroying vessel.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 4:08 PM on March 3, 2009

It was part of Palpatine's stimulus program.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:10 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

"discussing the Death Star canteen."

Yeah, one of the best things in Star Trek, dramatically speaking, as in it alleviates a lot of standing around type stuff, are the replicators - logistics isn't the amazingly huge hassle it would be in Star Wars.
The Death Star would have so many attendant ships it'd be silly. Especially since they (apparently) don't incinerate or recycle their garbage, not to mention the sewage system pest problems. (Not that Star Trek doesn't go and dick around with this conceptually anyway, but still).
And go explain the rebellion to Joe Moisture Farmer. Hey, we want to overthrow the empire. 'Cos it's evil, and replace it with this other set of royalty more sympathetic to this weird religion.
In The Hidden Fortress you have the peasants trying to steal from the samurai and the princess and run off, which is logical given the conditions.
Lucas keeps pushing the dichotomy between the 'good' guys doing good guy stuff and the 'bad' guys doing bad guy stuff further and further, but Kurosawa's stuff was better because it was just 'guys' doing stuff. So change is possible. And so, drama.
posted by Smedleyman at 8:49 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Man, it's always a good day when I'm reminded to watch Eddie Izzard doing the death star canteen bit again. Thank you.
posted by yhbc at 8:51 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

I prefer to believe in the force of these Jedi Knights. They seem pretty magical to me...
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:49 AM on March 4, 2009

Not forgetting the Peter Serafinowicz Vader in Love sketches.
posted by merocet at 8:02 PM on March 4, 2009