Walker, Texas Rearranger

March 10, 2009 1:13 PM

Unhappy with the way the election turned out, but unwilling to move? Don't worry, Presidential Candidate Chuck Norris has your back.
posted by Bernt Pancreas (113 comments total)

Can we keep Austin?
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 1:16 PM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Yes, you fucking idiot. That $900 million over however many years is fucking horrible, but the billions we've given to Israel over the years deserves no comment?

But you're right, Bush certainly did "stampede" the constitution.
posted by Caduceus at 1:20 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh Israel, you say? This just got interesting. * grabs some popcorn *
posted by Jimbob at 1:21 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

A link to an op-ed by Chuck Norris? C'mon, man, that's just too easy. Like shooting fish in a barrel. Like round-house kicking criminals. Like grooming your beard. Like telling some kid he has AIDS.
posted by billysumday at 1:22 PM on March 10, 2009 [8 favorites]

Doesn't he know that blah blah blah President blah blah blah time of war blah blah blah Treason!
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 1:22 PM on March 10, 2009 [12 favorites]

To quote Paul Revere, my state could totally kick the shit out of your state.
posted by box at 1:22 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

But what would Washington and Lafayette make of taxpayer-supported schools teaching and supporting homosexuality, bisexuality, and "transgender sexuality" as alternative lifestyles? What would they think of the pornography that floods our electronic media? - Black Belt Patriotism: How To Reawaken America
posted by Joe Beese at 1:23 PM on March 10, 2009

Austin would have to be like W.Berlin was during the height of the Cold War. The daily Jet Blue supply planes from LA, San Francisco, Boston and New York must keep our way of live alive.
posted by birdherder at 1:23 PM on March 10, 2009 [6 favorites]

Jeez, I was still in elementary school when that byline photo actually looked like Chuck Norris.
posted by JaredSeth at 1:24 PM on March 10, 2009 [5 favorites]

advised
counseled us
taught that
declared that
put it well when

Chuck's got a thesaurus.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 1:26 PM on March 10, 2009 [6 favorites]

what the fuck, Chuck?
posted by porn in the woods at 1:26 PM on March 10, 2009

Hey, weird! Worldnetdaily published some howling bullshit!
posted by Skot at 1:27 PM on March 10, 2009 [11 favorites]

Gracious. It's like the plot to The Ayes of Texas is coming true, only instead of a near-billionaire cybernetic industrialist, we have a broken down martial arts actor, and instead of rugged individualism saving the day from the Ruskies, we'd like just a little bit of The Handmaid's Tale in there, instead. We don't even have Ruskies to worry about in it. No external conflict.

This would be a pretty crappy book, Chuck.

As a movie, it won't be redeemed by any training montages of America "getting tough" and finally making it through in the end after beating Obama to a pulp.

As a political strategy, I can assure you it will end at the bottom of a well, screaming impotently while the rest of us who are not crazed on drugs try to recuperate from the brutal pounding we've received over the past eight years.
posted by adipocere at 1:28 PM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Sounds like a plan. In the meantime, we'll just be cloning an army of W. T. Shermans in our godless liberal Northeast labs. Just say the word, you traitorous fucks.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 1:30 PM on March 10, 2009 [10 favorites]

And [Glen Beck] answered, "If this country starts to spiral out of control and Mexico melts down or whatever, if it really starts to spiral out of control, before America allows a country to become a totalitarian country (which it would have under I think the Republicans as well in this situation; they were taking us to the same place, just slower), Americans won't stand for it. There will be parts of the country that will rise up."

what
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 1:31 PM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Chuck Norris... Rush Limbaugh... any other Conververatti B-listers want to take their shot at saving the party? What's Ron Silver been up to?
posted by abulafa at 1:31 PM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

*Conserveratti. I can't even make up words right.
posted by abulafa at 1:32 PM on March 10, 2009

So, does this mean that Chuck Norris' martial arts schools are training grounds for domestic insurgents?
posted by Saxon Kane at 1:32 PM on March 10, 2009 [3 favorites]

I'll never understand how Chuck Norris became such a cool meme for this generation. Back in his salad days, making those goofy chop-socky flicks (and gettin' paid by all those *left coast* studios, thank you) we all thought he was... cheesy. Ugh.
posted by shino-boy at 1:35 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Well, shino-boy, he still is cheesy. That's why he was a hilarious meme. Trouble is, I think he took it for genuine popularity when he found out about it.
posted by sonic meat machine at 1:39 PM on March 10, 2009 [3 favorites]

But what would Washington and Lafayette make of taxpayer-supported schools teaching and supporting homosexuality, bisexuality, and "transgender sexuality" as alternative lifestyles? What would they think of the pornography that floods our electronic media?

They would think, "Braaaaiiiiiiinnnnnnnsssssss...."
posted by cimbrog at 1:44 PM on March 10, 2009 [15 favorites]

I'll never understand how Chuck Norris became such a cool meme for this generation.

This may help.

I, for one, can't wait for the inevitable Chuck Norris/Joe the Plumber buddy flick. That shit is going to be sweet.
posted by EarBucket at 1:46 PM on March 10, 2009 [5 favorites]

Traitor.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:51 PM on March 10, 2009

that's just too easy. Like shooting fish in a barrel

What does that even mean? Why would it be so easy to shoot fish in a barrel? If I filled a barrel full of water and then added three goldfish to it, do you really think it would be so easy to shoot them? Am I supposed to assume that there is no water in the barrel? If so, then I would agree that it would be relatively easy to shoot them. But why would you use a barrel as a means of storage if you are not going to add liquid? That's what barrels are for. Or I suppose the barrel could be filled with hundreds of fish. Then it might be easy to shoot them.

But as I understand barrels, water, and fish, I do not think that it would be too easy to shoot fish in a barrel.
posted by flarbuse at 1:51 PM on March 10, 2009 [8 favorites]

Yes, you fucking idiot. That $900 million over however many years is fucking horrible, but the billions we've given to Israel over the years deserves no comment?

Those numbers are actually billions.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:52 PM on March 10, 2009

The footnote to this article is a piece of comedy genius.

Yeah, I'm basically now assuming that the entire right wing is some kind of elaborate satire.
posted by bwerdmuller at 1:55 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

But as I understand barrels, water, and fish, I do not think that it would be too easy to shoot fish in a barrel.

Flarbuse. Dude. Take a Xanax.
posted by Skygazer at 1:58 PM on March 10, 2009

Maybe this will help, flarbuse.
posted by MrMoonPie at 2:07 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Norris: Thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation.

WTF? Cell groups?!

This is BS. I hope some whacko doesn't try to become a hero/martyr for the Right wing Jesus and guns crowd. There's a hell of a lot of not so subtle suggestion going on seems like. I hope I'm wrong or at least being too paranoid.

Am I being paranoid?

(Jeez...maybe I should take a Xanax too, Flarbuse.)
posted by Skygazer at 2:09 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Flabuse, your understanding is incomplete - if you shot into a barrel full of water with fish in it, the concussion created by the bullet impacting the water would stun the fish, they would float to the top and you could pick them up, easy as pie. No aiming would be required, and it would work no matter the size/number of fish.
posted by davey_darling at 2:10 PM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Chuck is no genius. But I've met the guy. He's a really sincere and nice man with a great sense of humor. I'm not sure when he transitioned to being a full-tilt wing-nut. It's sad.
posted by tkchrist at 2:13 PM on March 10, 2009

flarbuse: It's an idiom. A common saying. A figure of speech. It means: "an easy activity." I hope this has cleared some things up.
posted by billysumday at 2:17 PM on March 10, 2009

At least at the moment, these cell groups seem to be organizing for 'We Surround Them,' which seems to be a Heritage-Foundation-funded Glenn Beck publicity stunt aimed at gathering snapshots of white people to be shown on the Fox News.

Maybe you're too paranoid, or maybe I'm not paranoid enough.
posted by box at 2:19 PM on March 10, 2009

The title of this post is great!
posted by brundlefly at 2:20 PM on March 10, 2009

I ate lunch at a table within arm's reach of Chuck Norris and his posse in a sushi bar in LA years ago, just before Walker, Texas Ranger went off the air. We didn't talk to him, but he seemed like a total dick. He kept going on about how he was so glad that Walker, Texas Ranger was finally over, because it was total crap and so beneath him, and he was pretty short with the wait staff, and nobody with him could get a word in edgewise. I imagine that President Norris would be a lot like Kim Jong-il with facial hair.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:21 PM on March 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

I think it's hilarious that these secession-crazy Republican morons are often the same ones who remind you that the GOP was the party of Lincoln.
posted by turaho at 2:25 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

flarbuse is right. Shooting fish in a barrel would only be easy if the fish were large, plentiful, and the barrel contained no water. In other words, if the fish were small, the barrel was filed with water, and there were only a few fish, then even an experienced marksman might struggle to shoot the fish. Furthermore, there is a strong chance that any bullets fired into a barrel might ricochet off the bottom and inadvertently kill or wound the shooter. This is a very real possibility.
posted by ornate insect at 2:25 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

So "Love it or leave it" is a one way street? How convenient...
posted by SirOmega at 2:31 PM on March 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

Wait ... Chuck Norris is NOT a fictional character?
posted by ElvisJesus at 2:31 PM on March 10, 2009

Christ, what a star of Delta Force and Delta Force II: The Columbian Connnection.
posted by hifiparasol at 2:34 PM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

The extra N stands for BYOBB.
posted by hifiparasol at 2:35 PM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

You people know, right, that when you shoot into a barrel full of fish (especially with a shotgun, which is how these things are done), you're almost certainly going to put some holes in the barrel? You know that, right? And so then, the water's going to run out? You see where I'm going with this? The size of the fish is irrelevant, and so's the number. Just shoot the fucking barrel already. You're overthinking it.
posted by mudpuppie at 2:38 PM on March 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

wait a second... Chuck Norris is now actively calling for Texas to secede from The United States?

GIVE BACK THAT FLAG, CHARLIE!
posted by shmegegge at 2:39 PM on March 10, 2009

flarbuse is right. Shooting fish in a barrel would only be easy if the fish were large, plentiful, and the barrel contained no water. In other words, if the fish were small, the barrel was filed with water, and there were only a few fish, then even an experienced marksman might struggle to shoot the fish. Furthermore, there is a strong chance that any bullets fired into a barrel might ricochet off the bottom and inadvertently kill or wound the shooter. This is a very real possibility.

One word: Shotgun.
posted by mr_roboto at 2:40 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

or trebuchet.
posted by shmegegge at 2:43 PM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

I hope some whacko doesn't try to become a hero/martyr for the Right wing Jesus and guns crowd.

Like this guy?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 2:46 PM on March 10, 2009

FYI Obama won the popular vote in Houston.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:50 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

You know who else was a separatist?

That's right, Jacques Parizeau. There's nothing quite as French as secession. So think about it Chuck - if Texas secedes, it becomes MORE FRENCH. The textbook definition of a dilemma.
posted by GuyZero at 2:56 PM on March 10, 2009

I think you could also set the barrel on fire. The result would be one of two things -- either the water would start boiling and poach the fish (which you could then serve with cocktail sauce); or the barrel would disintegrate into a pile of ash, the water would extinguish the fire, and you could then collect the fish from the pavement. My point being that if you need to kill some fish, the barrel is a pretty good damn place to start.
posted by mudpuppie at 3:02 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

I finally get it. Rush, now Chuck... these are but the first public tryouts for the upcoming tv series "So You Think You Can Lead the GOP".
posted by Artful Codger at 3:11 PM on March 10, 2009 [9 favorites]

Conververatti B-listers... *Conserveratti. I can't even make up words right.

I dunno, I rather like the uncorrected 'Conververatti'.

It sounds like an Italian roadster. Fast, expensive, impractical.
posted by rokusan at 3:19 PM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Don't Mess With The Pan-Cooperative Autocracy Of Texas
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:20 PM on March 10, 2009 [3 favorites]

It's like shooting beans on a plate.
posted by infinitewindow at 3:28 PM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Like shooting fish in a barrel.

Don't forget the "smoking gun!"

Oh, how I miss Suck.com.
posted by ericb at 3:29 PM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

No, no, no. You have the shooting fish in a barrel concept all wrong. You shoot the barrel near the bottom and let the water drain out. Collect fish.
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 3:33 PM on March 10, 2009

Chuck Norris masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. And other random facts. Sorry if this has been linked to before. I've never entered a Chuck Norris thread.
posted by gman at 3:34 PM on March 10, 2009

Unless the barrel is on a treadmill, in which case, you won't be able to shoot it. Chuck, however, could kick it open and catch the fish before they hit the ground.
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 3:35 PM on March 10, 2009

Anyone who has been around Texas for any length of time knows exactly what we'd do if the going got rough in America.

Run away?
posted by Lemurrhea at 3:43 PM on March 10, 2009 [6 favorites]

I’d always considered ‘rising up’ things like preserving the union and the values of the constitution, not, y’know, quitting. Huh. Live and learn.

flarbuse you’ve got it all wrong. You put fish in a barrel to salt them away for the winter. It would be easy to shoot them if, before you salted them, you shot them. I don’t think anyone is thinking live fish in a barrel in water….Hmmm on the other hand there’s no specification that the shooting would occur pre-salting. And salt, like sand, is an excellent bullet stop. So maybe you’re on to something there. And there’s no exacting specifications of the barrel. If we’re talking 55 gallon drum or iron barrel or wood or what. And are we shooting from the side? If so, you can’t even see the fish even with top quality optics. Although I assume you’re close enough that windage isn’t a factor, but then, how close are you? Even 80 yards away with a 10 to 20 mph wind you can still hit a target with a scope without worrying too much about correlated deflection but there’s no specification of distance to the fish or the barrel…Now that I think about it you’re right, none of this adds up at all. And certain fish aren’t as vulnerable to concussion and shockwave effects, so even if it was water…hmmm…
I think we need a short outline of range to target, what kind of firearm we’re using, the type of fish and number, and type of barrel and whether there’s water in it or salt to determine if shooting them wouldn’t be easier than just picking them up. At the very least you’d have to load your firearm. I mean, a speargun would be way easier in certain circumstances. But that’s not shooting really, that’s more like archery.
posted by Smedleyman at 3:44 PM on March 10, 2009 [3 favorites]

It's not a chin under Chuck Norris's beard. It's a stupid, stupid man.
posted by Astro Zombie at 3:46 PM on March 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

"Shooting fish in a barrel would only be easy if the fish were large, plentiful, and the barrel contained no water."

No but it's relative, you see? Shooting fish in a barrel is easy, because your alternative is shooting fish in the river, and that's much harder.

Also, with a barrel, you can aim the gun perpendicular to the surface of the water, thus removing the effects of refraction. With a river, lake, or ocean, your angle to the fish is going to be low (unless you charter a helicopter, or a bridge) so refraction makes it much harder to aim. Also, reflections off the water's surface.

Fish in a barrel really is quite easy in comparison.
posted by -harlequin- at 3:48 PM on March 10, 2009

-harlequin-, I think it’s easy to shoot fish in a river, under certain conditions, if my mom helps, are you calling me an Communist?
posted by Smedleyman at 3:51 PM on March 10, 2009

Why shoot the barrel at all when dunking it in a dumpster-size frydaddy will make it much more delicious and easier to boot?
posted by phylum sinter at 3:57 PM on March 10, 2009

Finally, a President who pretends to be a cowboy hardass!
posted by DU at 3:58 PM on March 10, 2009 [10 favorites]

I'd like to see Bruce Lee come back from the dead and give Chuck a round house kick to the face.
posted by cazoo at 4:03 PM on March 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

There's is also always the possibility that if the fish are in a barrel that previously held wine or whiskey, they'll be passed out drunk.
posted by mudpuppie at 4:05 PM on March 10, 2009

Choose birdshot for all your icthyoid barrel-blasting adventures. And stand a few feet over the top of the water. Delicious, pellet-filled fish are yours for the shooting!
posted by Mister_A at 4:09 PM on March 10, 2009

Yet the Feds have just skyrocketed our national deficit and debt by trillions of dollars, and it plans much more fiscal expansion with few expectations of resistance.

So W reduced the rate at which debt accrued, huh, and Obama is now reversing this trend?

Yet our Congress and president stampede that founding document, overlook its explicitness and manipulate its words to abandon a balance of power and accommodate their own desires, partisan politics and runaway spending.

Damn those reach-across-the-aisle Democrats! How I yearn for the days of W.

...before America allows a country to become a totalitarian country (which it would have under I think the Republicans as well in this situation; they were taking us to the same place, just slower)

Oh fuck off.

Seriously though, how partisan and cock-eyed can you get? So it's only when the Democrats get into power that suddenly stuff is wrong with the US? What's it been, half an hour? Yet eight years of this crap, essentially perpetrating the same stuff you now blame Obama for, and you're ready to secede?
posted by djgh at 4:24 PM on March 10, 2009 [6 favorites]

Don't you get it guys? His brand of Neoconservatism is spiritual—accordingly, its veracity and truth cannot be measured in the material world.

He has already seceded from reality; it seems now he's simply looking to express his ignorance materialistically.
posted by defenestration at 4:33 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

How angry must Chuck be that he didn't get to be the Bauer character in 24?
posted by maxwelton at 4:34 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

I hear Austin's a great city but if we have to sacrifice it to get rid of Texas I say so be it.
posted by photoslob at 4:36 PM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Try a shot of our barrel-aged fishwater.

(oh sorry were we done with that?)
posted by Artful Codger at 4:42 PM on March 10, 2009

I'll stick with the Libertarian Bacon Pirate, thanks.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:44 PM on March 10, 2009

Obliterating a Fish In A Barrel: Mythbusters
posted by ornate insect at 4:47 PM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

I hear Austin's a great city but if we have to sacrifice it to get rid of Texas I say so be it.

So now I'll need a passport just to attend SXSW?! Eff that noise, it's a pain-in-the-ass as it is.
posted by joe lisboa at 4:48 PM on March 10, 2009

"Fish in a Barrel" was an old Marx Brothers movie. The guys were so talented and experienced, they nailed every scene in one take. The director never saw anything like it before or since.
posted by team lowkey at 4:48 PM on March 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

Chuck Norris--the hero, icon, and legend--is back, packing a political and cultural punch, as only he can deliver.

I think the Norris meme is going to his head.
posted by Holy foxy moxie batman! at 4:51 PM on March 10, 2009

I'm just going to dip one out of the barrel with a net like a normal person you bunch of gun simple nuts.
posted by Divine_Wino at 4:55 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

I hope some whacko doesn't try to become a hero/martyr for the Right wing Jesus and guns crowd.

It happened to Clinton a couple of times, early on. And the rhetoric was just as irrational and hateful then - hell, they're probably recycling some of it. I just hope that they're equally stupid and incompetent this time around.
posted by dilettante at 5:10 PM on March 10, 2009

I kid not bow fishing. Think a gun and a barrel is hard, try bow and arrow out on the lake.
posted by zengargoyle at 5:10 PM on March 10, 2009

I wish the left would vilify the right with Chuck Norris like the right vilifies the left with Jane Fonda.
posted by munchingzombie at 5:14 PM on March 10, 2009

I'm just going to dip one out of the barrel with a net like a normal person you bunch of gun simple nuts.

We're just bitter, so we cling to our guns and the fish in our pants.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:16 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

"Get over it."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Man, it feels good to say that.
posted by Ron Thanagar at 5:32 PM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

I would like to note that I favorited this thread just in case I run into a barrel of fish and need to know what to do.
posted by naoko at 6:26 PM on March 10, 2009

Schwarzenegger... Jesse Ventura... Chuck Norris... Oklahoma Governor Steven Seagal?
posted by terranova at 6:28 PM on March 10, 2009

Holy foxy moxie batman!: "I think the Norris meme is going to his head."

He's marketing his product. It's only business. (brushes jaw)...

The most successful salesmen are the ones who truly believe in their franchise.
posted by Joe Beese at 7:18 PM on March 10, 2009

If you show the fish in this God blasted over-analyzed barrel a picture of Chuck Norris, they'll shoot themselves.
posted by Skygazer at 7:36 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Please, please give Austin to the bastards.
This town is intolerable. Especially next week when all the other fucktards come to town.

I pray for secession. I don't think anything else would convince my wife to leave this hell hole of a "state".
posted by Seamus at 7:54 PM on March 10, 2009

So what you're saying is you don't care for Texas?
posted by nola at 8:38 PM on March 10, 2009

Do you think you can axe-kick your way through committee meetings regarding land use policy and highway systems? Regardless, I wish him luck and note that there's precedent for upstart executives within the US.

Essays which harken back to the founding fathers have been steadily getting on my nerves more and more recently. I think this is due to more authors tying increasingly tenuous assertions to Jefferson, et al. Norris wrings his hands when he asks what they'd think of PORN on the INTERNETS, for example. Well, let's step back: What would they say about a black man in the presidency? Jefferson would be hypocritically ambivalent, of course, he owned slaves but wrote extensively advocating its cessation. He also poses a quandary for Republicans who invoke his name for support: He absolutely loathed the idea of political parties, writing," If I could not go to heaven but with a party, I would not go there at all."
Also, their responses to the current banking crisis would be utterly alien to us: Many were bankrupt or nearly so, and the circumstances that put them their made them deeply suspicious of banks in general, letting the charter for the national bank lapse in 1785, just four years after its creation.

Appealing to Sam Houston is a nice touch: a hot-tempered war veteran (he modeled himself after his patron, Andrew Jackson), he left Tennessee for Texas not out of the desire to make his own fortune; he was on the lam, having been found guilty of assaulting a senator (again, modeling himself after Jackson, he beat the stateman with a hickory stick). Houston, however, had the sense to see the plain truth when it came to secession and prophesied,"Let me tell you what is coming. After the sacrifice of countless millions of treasure and hundreds of thousands of lives you may win Southern independence, but I doubt it. The North is determined to preserve this Union." He would also be too "cut and run" for Norris and Beck's taste. Once Texas quit the Union, he refused to give allegiance to the Confederacy, and was promptly booted out of the Governor's office.

And so on. There are a lot of interesting facts about the men who founded our country and our states, and I hope that Chuck Norris and Glen Beck (as well as whoever runs WND) decide to acquaint themselves with those facts some day.
posted by boo_radley at 8:52 PM on March 10, 2009 [3 favorites]

Also, I would wish the Country of Texas the best of luck with the Mexican-Texas war that would immediate erupt as Mexico tries to annex Texas back into the motherland.
posted by boo_radley at 8:54 PM on March 10, 2009

Why doesn't Glen Beck just die?
posted by Burhanistan at 9:03 PM on March 10, 2009

Love it or leave it.

(I left it.)
posted by bardic at 9:05 PM on March 10, 2009

doesn't this break 6,9, and 10 of the Chun Kuk Do?
posted by es_de_bah at 9:21 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

also, does chuck norris actually have the ability to 'quip?' this seems like an oxymoron.
posted by es_de_bah at 9:25 PM on March 10, 2009

I picture flarbuse as the hayseed from Raising Arizona:

Gale: All right, ya hayseeds, it's a stick-up. Everybody freeze. Everybody down on the ground.

Feisty Hayseed: Well, which is it, young feller? You want I should freeze or get down on the ground? Mean to say, if'n I freeze, I can't rightly drop. And if'n I drop, I'm a-gonna be in motion. You see...

posted by funkiwan at 11:50 PM on March 10, 2009

Look, the whole "shooting" of fish in a barrel needn't be done with a firearm of some sort. You could very easily shoot a barrel of fish with a camera. What could be easier than taking a photo of fish in a barrel? Unless it were dark, I mean, or maybe some water from the barrel had gotten into your camera and damaged it. But otherwise, it'd be pretty easy, I think.
posted by darkstar at 12:24 AM on March 11, 2009

well, if i lived in texas i'd vote for willie nelson instead
posted by pyramid termite at 12:41 AM on March 11, 2009 [2 favorites]

Especially next week when all the other fucktards come to town.

hey shithead, the slogan is "Keep Austin Weird," not "Malign People That Come To Your Town To Spend Lots Of Money At Local Businesses Thus Keeping Your Local Economy In Much Better Stead Than If It Didn't Happen And Keeping You Slightly Less Miserable Overall Even Though There Are Some Visitors In Your Town For Two Weeks And That Can Be Somewhat Inconvenient At Times" you fucking misanthrope.
posted by Hat Maui at 2:23 AM on March 11, 2009

^^no anger intended, just profane joshing
posted by Hat Maui at 2:25 AM on March 11, 2009

We're dangerously close to a joke about Chuck Norris kicking fish in a barrel to death. You've been warned.
posted by Mikey-San at 2:45 AM on March 11, 2009

When was the last time the US actually elected someone with facial hair, out of interest?
posted by MuffinMan at 3:05 AM on March 11, 2009

1909, William H Taft.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 5:23 AM on March 11, 2009

If World of Warcraft is any indication, Chuck'll get at least 20 supporters in Barrens chat alone.
posted by Spatch at 5:32 AM on March 11, 2009

We're dangerously close to a joke about Chuck Norris kicking fish in a barrel to death. You've been warned.

Just do it people! You know you want to. The suspense is killing me!
posted by diogenes at 7:18 AM on March 11, 2009

Why is it always Texas? Why won't these freaks stop taking the name of my beloved state in vain? Just, I know there are crazy people in Iowa, why doesn't anyone talk about them for a while?

Fuck Chuck Norris.
posted by threeturtles at 9:02 AM on March 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

A plane crashed here.
posted by aftermarketradio at 9:51 AM on March 11, 2009

Chun Kuk...jeezus. Yes he's made significant contributions to the martial arts. But why does everyone feel the need to be a 10th degree or some such. And in a style they 'invent.' You get a black belt, you're now a serious student, hoorah. Everything else, it's just what you do. Like getting a doctorate, you're not a 10th degree cardiologist. We all know Jonas Salk was a better doctor than Nick Riviera whatever their respective titles.

But more to the point, it occurs to me there's a Polka song (you know how the kids are into their Polka) called "Roll Out the Barrel", perhaps we could shoot people singing that. Which would be easier on the ears. I'm not sure of the fish angle, but a lot of Nordic types are into Polka and they eat Lutefisk which is a type of fish. But it doesn't go down easy. So I have to say this phrase has really confounded my sensibilities.
posted by Smedleyman at 10:01 AM on March 11, 2009

(although I will say some people deserve the title 'master' (or grandmaster) But that has precedent in the arts and such, Picasso, Dali, etc. And you call some conductors Maestro and so forth. And some people have achieved true mastery. Learned from a ROKMC officer, I couldn't imagine not giving him the courtesy of that title. )
posted by Smedleyman at 10:05 AM on March 11, 2009

Chuck Norris is an idiot, has no reading comprehension, doesn't know American OR Texan history, doesn't understand either Constitution, and is too full of himself by a mile.

And I say that as someone who worked at a Kinko's his show used for script copying and had a good experience with him as a customer.

He's making terrorist threats, IMO.

His BS is not what Texas is all about, and it won't be.

While I'm here ranting about CN, he should know that none of us are fooled by his claims of being 6'. He's 5'10". As average as they come.
posted by batmonkey at 12:43 PM on March 11, 2009

Dear Chuck Norris:

Please suck my dick.

Cordially,

Guy_Inamonkeysuit
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 1:27 PM on March 11, 2009

Chuck is a furry? I did not know that.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 6:24 AM on March 13, 2009

Chuck Norris... Rush Limbaugh... any other Conververatti B-listers want to take their shot at saving the party? What's Ron Silver been up to?

Unsuccessfully battling esophogeal cancer, apparently.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:50 AM on March 16, 2009