I like tuttles

March 11, 2009 8:47 AM

Mindless SLYT Post! A turtle celebrates Hump Day!
posted by cloeburner (31 comments total)

Two snails collided one day, and the only witness was a turtle. When he was later asked by the police what happened, the turtle replied, "I don't know, officer. I all happened so fast."
posted by jbickers at 8:53 AM on March 11, 2009 [2 favorites]

It's a typo, title should read 'I like buttles'
posted by mannequito at 8:54 AM on March 11, 2009 [5 favorites]

I was eating breakfast when I clicked on this.
posted by Pecinpah at 8:54 AM on March 11, 2009

How low we have descended... Given the state of the world, have we turned to amphibian lust to distract us from our anxieties?
posted by njohnson23 at 8:58 AM on March 11, 2009

Unavoidable.
posted by EarBucket at 8:58 AM on March 11, 2009 [3 favorites]

One summer, when I was about nine and still went to the zoo, I was doing what sticky, sweaty kids normally do: wandering about aimlessly, staring at animals, and sipping a soda. I came upon two fairly large turtles doing their private thing in public. I watched curiously, then realized that turtles just don't care. Plus, it was going to take them a while, so they might as well get started early, I thought.

Then someone bellowed out, "Get it on, turtles!" I promptly shot the mouthful of Coke I had been swallowing right out my nose. Turtles know no shame, but the burning that should have been on their blushless cheeks was instead now concentrated in my sinuses.

Turtles, I took the hit for you.
posted by adipocere at 9:06 AM on March 11, 2009 [7 favorites]

To us it looks like a turtle getting it on with a shoe, making sounds like a squeaky toy and always on the verge of falling over.

To the turtle it feels like he is one of those big black bodybuilders, pounding his moaning ho and going "Bitch like that? Oh yeah, bitch like that!"...
posted by PontifexPrimus at 9:21 AM on March 11, 2009 [2 favorites]

yeah, and it's favorites that are killing Metafilter.
posted by horsemuth at 9:27 AM on March 11, 2009 [5 favorites]

Huh. I didn't know my downstairs neighbors have a turtle.
posted by nosila at 9:32 AM on March 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

I like how the person taping this is laughing at first and then it turns into uncomfortable silence and she continues to film until the turtle is finished.
posted by spec80 at 9:33 AM on March 11, 2009 [2 favorites]

I love you all so very much.

Thank you. <3
posted by tapesonthefloor at 9:44 AM on March 11, 2009

Yeah, baby, go all the way down. Yeah, that's right, all the way down. Oh yeah.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 10:14 AM on March 11, 2009 [8 favorites]

I dunno about "mindless". That turtle was focused man.
posted by rokusan at 10:29 AM on March 11, 2009

we make a good team my Adidas and me
we get around together, rhyme forever
and we won't be mad when worn in bad weather

My Adidas, Run DMC
posted by ardgedee at 10:29 AM on March 11, 2009

I was working on this post. You beat me!

The turtle penis explained.
posted by cjorgensen at 10:38 AM on March 11, 2009

I had the sound off as I'm at work.

Am I correct in assuming that the soundtrack picked up the turtle grunting,

"you like that, huh, I bet you do, you leather-clad little minx. Yeah, take it just like that. This turtle's comin' right out of his shell"?
posted by MuffinMan at 10:52 AM on March 11, 2009

The grunting is the most essential aspect.
posted by cloeburner at 10:55 AM on March 11, 2009

When I originally saw this the video was called "Turtle Rape Shoe."
posted by nanojath at 10:56 AM on March 11, 2009

Yeah, I saw it originally in with that title, but I found the name objectionable so I chose another.
posted by cloeburner at 11:02 AM on March 11, 2009

You will rarely see your turtle's penis, however, because he keeps it inside his tail.
from :Turtle Penis Explained

I am sure I know plenty of men that would LOVE to be a turtle.
posted by psylosyren at 11:06 AM on March 11, 2009

Well thank God for the internet.
posted by Holy foxy moxie batman! at 11:26 AM on March 11, 2009

Sure, we can all laugh, but privately, I bet we are all thinking the same thing: that really is one damn sexy shoe.
posted by quin at 11:28 AM on March 11, 2009

Things work out, imma be showin' that shoe my eh face. You know what I'm talkin' about. eh! ...eh! ...eh!
posted by team lowkey at 11:59 AM on March 11, 2009

I'm pretty sure that's a tortoise, not a turtle. Russian tortoise, maybe.
posted by xbonesgt at 12:16 PM on March 11, 2009

psylosyren: "I am sure I know plenty of men that would LOVE to be a turtle."

Basically, a male climbs into his water dish, extrudes his penis from the vent in his tail, and swishes it around in the water. No one knows why he does this! Maybe it's to cool it off on a hot day.

"Man, it's sure hot today, eh, Steve?"
"Yeah... but fortunately I can do something about that!"
"Heh, aren't you gonna drink that water? Steve, what are you... why are you unzipping... OH MY GOD THAT'S DISGUSTING!"
"Relax, man, I'm a turtle at heart. Ahhhhh..." *swish* *swish*
posted by PontifexPrimus at 1:23 PM on March 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

It's a typo, title should read 'I like buttles taters'

FTFY.
posted by verb at 1:36 PM on March 11, 2009

a male climbs into his water dish, extrudes his penis from the vent in his tail, and swishes it around in the water

"Man, that water's cold."

"Deep, too."
posted by stargell at 2:11 PM on March 11, 2009 [3 favorites]

Enh...enh!
posted by evidenceofabsence at 4:21 PM on March 11, 2009

nanojath, That's actually what kept me from posting the video, and none of the others I found were as funny. I didn't notice they called it that until after I'd sent the clip to my girlfriend's mom.

The girlfriend and I spent an hour searching on: turtle penis orgasm sex shoe.

The girlfriend found the turtle penis article.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:36 PM on March 11, 2009

It's lonely being a turtle.
posted by spamguy at 8:03 AM on March 12, 2009

DH Lawrence's review of the video:

"War-cry, triumph, acute-delight, death-scream reptilian ... The silken shriek of the soul's torn membrane?"

Sounds like "Eh! Eh!" to me but I'm not much of a poet.

(I had to study and discuss this unpleasant poem about an orgasmic tortoise for my English A Level at school)
posted by BinaryApe at 3:45 PM on March 12, 2009