The Obama Proxy

March 16, 2009 10:35 AM

Having grown tired of all the ludicrous conspiracy theories about Barack Obama not being eligible to hold the office of the President, one lone writer gives us his own deranged take with "The Obama Proxy". The descendants of the Melchocki Indians will not be amused.
posted by ELF Radio (23 comments total)

Barack Obama slowly lowered himself into the chair. The chair’s pristine leather rubbed gently against his magnificent suit...

First Fanfic.
posted by Joe Beese at 10:37 AM on March 16

Hey Joe!
posted by Mister_A at 10:40 AM on March 16

Yeah, that's it, describe those materials you dirty, dirty.... oh sorry.
posted by jon_kill at 10:42 AM on March 16

Ahhh Shlongenstein. He is back.
posted by pianomover at 10:43 AM on March 16

So, I assume this is a gag?
posted by Mister_A at 10:48 AM on March 16

Needs more burbling anus.
posted by carsonb at 11:16 AM on March 16

WTF?
posted by awesomebrad at 11:39 AM on March 16

Needs more burbling anus.

RTFA
posted by grobstein at 11:44 AM on March 16

This story is much more fun if you think that every time the story mentioned Barack's bowel evacutations, the author shat in real life. I imagine him in his basement in front of his computer, hunched and screaming over a plastic trash bag as his ass explodes, his mother pounding on the door demanding to know why he took all the trash bags.

Then I imagine that after the story, like his bowels, is finished, he surveys the dozens of large trash bags full of his runny excrement sitting like squat trolls along his basement walls. Then it downs on him to his mounting horror that because he filled the bags to the top, they will most assuredly tear open when he tries to lift them. My mind leaves him there, chafed and frowning over a future filled with his mother screaming at him for being a disappointment as 30 gallon bags of shit burst apart over his legs and feet. Then I get a cookie.
posted by Pastabagel at 11:46 AM on March 16 [1 favorite]

And that, kids, is why it's important to always eat a light breakfast.
posted by PlusDistance at 12:08 PM on March 16 [1 favorite]

I really appreciate the tiny, completely unnecessary details that make this tale so magical.

E.g: Though Barack had escaped from lethal range, the explosion was still severe and his eardrums had completely ruptured. A stinking flow of blood and earwax, accumulations from years of atrocious hygiene, poured from his decimated ears.

Really? Obama can't use a q-tip? Really?

It's the little things, you know? That's what really makes a story great.
posted by dnesan at 12:11 PM on March 16

Barack Obama slowly lowered himself into the chair. The chair’s pristine leather rubbed gently against his magnificent suit and produced a sound rich in subtle harmonics; the kind of sound that can only come from materials of the greatest quality.

His suit....it sings to me.

/pull voting lever
posted by the bricabrac man at 12:14 PM on March 16

You know I was eating my dinner here, right?
Really though, I should know better than to be eating dinner while reading Metafilter. As far as slashfic goes, this is some pretty... ripe stuff.
"Barack Obama twisted and yanked the shoe until finally, with a wet belch it popped free from Washington’s gurgling anus, uncorking the ancient rectum which released a chunky, yellow pulp." WHAT

I remember the first time I ran across slashfic on the internet, when I was 10 or 11. It involved Frank and Joe Hardy getting seduced by Fenton, and at some point Iola and Chet showed up and got all shocked before joining in. There weren't any burbling anuses or syrupy wheezes, but I kind of lost interest in the Hardy Boys after that.
posted by dunkadunc at 12:16 PM on March 16

It just goes to show you can't be too careful.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 12:26 PM on March 16 [3 favorites]

Barack Obama, exhausted and trembling, mastered his revulsion, then sat down on Bill Clinton. He was weak and bewildered, and also thought it best to play along until he had formulated a plausible escape plan. To his surprise (and secret delight), he found the ergonomics of Bill Clinton extremely comfortable. Bill’s ample buttocks were situated to provide perfect lumbar support, and once Barack was fully seated they began to vibrate in gentle, soothing oscillations.

What
posted by KokuRyu at 12:48 PM on March 16

I can't say as I've ever read anything quite like that before.

I wish I could still say that I've never read anything quite like that. My life is ruined.
posted by spinturtle at 1:41 PM on March 16 [1 favorite]

And that, kids, is why it's important to always eat a light breakfast.

Which is why I start every morning with an entire box of Obama Fingers with funk sauce.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 1:45 PM on March 16

That made National Treasure look like All The President's Men.
posted by WPW at 2:06 PM on March 16

somebody's got a scat fetish, et seems.
posted by LMGM at 2:18 PM on March 16

It was a dark and stormy night; the oily shit fell in torrents from Barrack Obama's ass, except at occasional intervals, when it exploded in a violent projectile of feces. Suddenly a shot rang out. It rang out like the red phone from Moscow at 3 in the morning. But it wasn't the red phone or the shot that made me vomit. It was the thought of Bill Clinton's ample buttocks and Ronald Reagan's intestinal sac leaking juices. I looked up. Thankfully it was only Dick Chenney hunting Quayle. Dan lay dead in the sticky fecal stew. Dubya was right after all. The End.
posted by ElvisJesus at 2:49 PM on March 16 [1 favorite]

Obligatory mention of "Guts". Don't read over dinner.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 3:12 PM on March 16

O ... kay.
posted by Michael Roberts at 5:17 PM on March 16

Two Parties One Cup?

* shuts lights, closes door
posted by Pastabagel at 8:10 PM on March 16