Onward, Christian Guerrillas!

June 2, 2001 9:34 PM

Onward, Christian Guerrillas! "Their mission was to record any homoerotic displays to show at Disney's next shareholders' meeting. They believe Disney shouldn't be condoning such behavior." These fun, tolerant folks also want a homosexual warning on "gay tv" shows.
posted by owillis (19 comments total)

The rating thing is a great idea. I always miss the gay shows, but if there's some kind of rating in TV Guide, I can set my VCR and catch them.
posted by RylandDotNet at 10:08 PM on June 2, 2001

Where can i purchase these videos?
posted by jessie at 10:09 PM on June 2, 2001

I know this is obvious but I can't resist...

I'm always amazed by the power that some fundies ascribe to homosexuality. They act as if the mere presence of gays in public life will rip apart their families, transform their godly men into queens, and destroy their vaunted hetereosexual culture. Wouldn't it be fun if it were true?

On the other hand if you spend your time secretly videotaping men in a nightclub, then maybe your grip on the whole straight life isn't that strong to begin with. I also love the proposed ban on disney employees engaging in homoerotic performances. If this ban is necessary Disneyland must have become a lot more fun in the years since I've last visited it.
posted by rdr at 10:16 PM on June 2, 2001

And then there's Mickey. Lives alone with Pluto, never commits to Minnie, always goin' out with "the boys" (Donald & Goofy).
posted by owillis at 11:18 PM on June 2, 2001

Praise the Lord, you poor, damned heathen: I will surely pray for your suffering souls. For you do not know the ways of the homosexuals, and have been taken in by the homosexual propaganda of the perverts in the liberal press.

The Devil gave the homosexuals a special weapon; a bioweapon based on God's one creation, hormones. They're called homones. The excrete them through their pores, and they're made in a special gland they have below the appendix.

Shake hands with one, and the homones invade your biochemistry, turning your regular hormones into homones. At first, you don't notice the difference - it's insideous. But, sooner than you can finish the book of Job, you're all demon inside, looking at your own gender with your black heart filled with Satanic lust.

The homosexual liberal press has hidden these facts from you; but the whole story was brought out by 'Star Trek'. You see, Star Trek always tries to tell people things about society, and they discovered the homosexual conspiracy. So you can see the secret homosexual threat - they called them the Borg, so the homosexuals wouldn't recognise they were being explained, and kill the whole production crew with their secret elite homosexual ninja hit squads.

You see, the homosexuals travel around in secret, trying to blend into society, by being 'squares' outside, but all full of evil homone probes inside their little leather outfits. Then they find innocent normal people, and swarm them, injecting them with homones, and saying that "resistance is futile". Once injected, you become part of 'the collective' and start borging with your own kind in sweaty bath houses.

Happily, there is a solution. You can cure a homosexual by cutting them off from their "collective" and retraining them to accept normal emotions, and giving them injections of complex R, which returns the homones to normal hormones. Once the homones start to regenerate, the homosexual gland dies off like weeds treated with 'Round Up', and they can live happy and productive lives again.

I hope that this explanation, taken with prayer, will assist you in your attempt to live a blessed life. Our Lord Jesus Christ wants you to 'Live Long and Prosper'; accept him as your saviour. Resistance is futile.
posted by Perigee at 12:18 AM on June 3, 2001

If using the Borg as an allegory for homosexual recruitment troops was an attempt at stealth, it was a pretty piss-poor one. I mean, those tight leather outfits and exotic piercings? Come on! Those cubes are just Saturday night at Badlands, carried to their logical extreme.
posted by bradlands at 12:28 AM on June 3, 2001

((Whoa!!! Sorry to post in again, but this is just TOO cool to be true - did anyone catch the line in the warning link that cited:

"Sesame Street" characters Bert and Ernie holding up a sign that reads: "G-A-Y" to their pre-school television audience."

Damn! Can anyone find this image online??. Is this available as a poster???? If not, can I buy the licencing rights????))
posted by Perigee at 12:38 AM on June 3, 2001

The Bert and Erine story got started by some Southern preacher who thought that "puppets" that protray male figures living and vacationing together made them "gay". I beleive that The Childrens Workshop has denied the "gay" rumor several times.
posted by bjgeiger at 6:11 AM on June 3, 2001

But what about Tinky-Winky?

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posted by jpoulos at 6:57 AM on June 3, 2001

To apply the same logic, since Jesus surrounded himself with men, does that make him gay?
posted by darukaru at 7:44 AM on June 3, 2001

Where can I sign up to be in a secret elite homosexual ninja hit squad?
posted by billybunny at 8:02 AM on June 3, 2001

want a homosexual warning on "gay tv" shows....

The rating thing is a great idea. I always miss the gay shows....

Yeah, I could go for the idea too, if they supported some quid quo pro: all video or movies with *any* Christian content must conspicuously labelled "Warning: Christian content".
The idea could be expanded to include those 'special' recordings too.
posted by Twang at 2:01 PM on June 3, 2001

what about edgar and clive?, they travelled around together
posted by clavdivs at 2:22 PM on June 3, 2001

The irony that always strikes me about stories likes this one is that those who oppose gatherings such as "Gay Days" seem to be the first ones to take an interest in them or get themselves involved. The ultimate irony is that fools like Martin Mawyer and Phillip Vaught are working against their own interests. If they really don't like "Gay Days" they would be better severed to let it toil in obscurity. Instead, what they have done have unwittingly promoted the event, made it a much bigger issue than it seems to be and almost have guaranteed its continued existence and success by making those involed more resolute about continuing the event. If they really didn't like it they should just ignore it (that way they may get their wish and it would go away), you know, live and let live. But then again, I'm not surprised that a few right-wing Christian nuts can't grasp the concept of irony seeing as their worldview totally lacks it, their loss.

And Perigee, not you again and your rants about the liberal media, give it up already. Where is all that Christian love that some of you religious nut jobs always talk about? Oh, I forgot, that love is not for certain people.

In the words of Dark Helmet "Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb."
Hahahahahaha.
posted by Bag Man at 4:41 PM on June 3, 2001

((Err.. Bag Man: perhaps the concept of Satire is beyond you. From now on, I'll place a big banner saying "THIS IS AN ABSURDIST POST" to assist the humor impared. Perhaps, one day, I will hold a telethon; Leonard Nimoy can host it. Perhaps you could volunteer to man the phone bank. I mean, really - a gland underneath the appendix?? ))
posted by Perigee at 5:31 AM on June 4, 2001

Thanks for the satire Perigee! I thought it was a great piece. Should we submit it to landoverbaptist.org? You've obviously got the spirit of the "conservative christian" down pat.

On the original article, think it would be possible to get these folks some faith based funding for their project? (oops, look out, satire again)
posted by nofundy at 6:25 AM on June 4, 2001

The rating thing is a great idea. I always miss the gay shows....

and...

Yeah, I could go for the idea too, if they supported some quid quo pro: all video or movies with *any* Christian content must conspicuously labelled "Warning: Christian content".

And both tags would pop up every time Ned Flanders is on the screen.
posted by Pinwiz at 10:15 AM on June 4, 2001

"Remember, no foot longs...they make me uncomfortable"
posted by DiplomaticImmunity at 10:50 AM on June 4, 2001

Hay Perigee, perhaps you should look up the word too. You're not the only one who reads solan.com (in fact I salut salon.com for it's funny, insightful and best of all liberal take on politics), but that doesn't mean I can't condemn Mawyer and Vaught's actions. Nor point out the Irony that not only underlies their actions, but also the actions of many right-wing groups, and left-wing groups for that matter. However, given other comments on MiFi that you have authored in the past, my post still rings true. By the way, I would not suggest quitting your day job to write comedy.
posted by Bag Man at 9:02 PM on June 4, 2001