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April 2, 2009 12:43 PM   Subscribe

Salon has some fun with The poetry of Glenn Beck. Part 2. Part 3.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle (73 comments total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

 
Stephen Colbert's response to Glenn Beck's 9/12 Project: The 10/31 Project
posted by Atom Eyes at 12:47 PM on April 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


George Saunders couldn't have written it any better.
posted by billysumday at 12:48 PM on April 2, 2009


He definitely peaked with "Meatballs at the Furniture Store". The kennings in that masterwork are a true wonder. The stuff from his latter period is a bit too pedantic and formulaic. By March 11, 2009, the kennings have all fled.
posted by Mister_A at 12:50 PM on April 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Saw the Colbert thing last night via torrent-delay. Is it just me or was Colbert's responses actually not as funny as Glenn Beck's hysterics? A friend who was watching said, of Beck's laboured on-air pseudo-weeping, "Does anyone fall for this?" I was able to tell her, on the spot, yes, yes they do.
posted by JHarris at 12:54 PM on April 2, 2009


I saw bits of Beck when I was in North Americ a couple of years ago, and he didn't seem to have quite lept into the deep end of psychosis then, he just seemed like a boring, right wing asshole back then.

It seems like he realised that it's when O'Reilly is completely batshit that he gets noticed, and consquently we now get Beck in tears, or his eyes in close up as he tells us of his deep fears for the world as we know it... Alas, as JHarris points out, it seems to work.

He's certainly getting a lot more notice with his scary new behaviour.
posted by opsin at 12:59 PM on April 2, 2009


Taking a page from the televangelists?
posted by ZenMasterThis at 1:01 PM on April 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


I always felt one of the problems with the academic study of poetry is that it doesn't recognize or research poetry as a folk form, a sort of a shorthand commication that once was generally rhymed and now is generally not, but is used by everyday people for fixing their experiences in a formal manner of communication that may not have much craft, but usually has a directness of expression and a documentary quality that is worth looking into. I mean, soldiers wrote poems during WWII from the foxholes and published them in Stars and Stripes, and people wrote short satirical poems that they sent to newspapers in response to news stories, and children composed poetry to accompany their games, or to mock their teachers, and etc. It just seems like a form that has a democratic, participatory component, and it's a pity this isn't taken more seriously in the ivory towers of poetry. It's lovely and wonderful.

At least, I felt this way until I read the poetry of Glenn Beck.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:05 PM on April 2, 2009 [3 favorites]


I feel like I am reading the lost chapter of Brief Interviews with Hideous Men!
posted by speicus at 1:08 PM on April 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


I get the prose poetry thing, but what's so exciting about The Well? Is that the only ad I haven't blocked, or is Salon realy excited about the prospects of the mid-90s community site-thing coming back?
posted by filthy light thief at 1:11 PM on April 2, 2009


is Salon realy excited about the prospects of the mid-90s community site-thing coming back?

If so, that would fit the pattern of Salon being excited about all the wrong things about five years too late.
posted by blucevalo at 1:13 PM on April 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


I wonder if he's aware of what an amazingly giant douchebag he is. Do you think he possesses that level of introspection?
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 1:15 PM on April 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


God this fool is off his rocker of late. I always had him pegged for a dumbass. He's got that "I'm trying to sound smart but I'm really fucking stupid" thing going on.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:15 PM on April 2, 2009


Glenn Beck is that distinctly aggressive combination of drooling ideologue and dry drunk that makes Rush Limbaugh look like Harry Reasoner.
posted by blucevalo at 1:17 PM on April 2, 2009 [3 favorites]


"Saw the Colbert thing last night via torrent-delay. Is it just me or was Colbert's responses actually not as funny as Glenn Beck's hysterics?"

Beck was (unintentionally) funnier, but Colbert used the segment as an opportunity to nail him hard: "The 9-12 project is not for families directly affected by 9/11, just people building their careers on it."
posted by krinklyfig at 1:19 PM on April 2, 2009 [5 favorites]


A friend who was watching said, of Beck's laboured on-air pseudo-weeping, "Does anyone fall for this?"

I've taken to referring Glenn Beck as a "sobbing coward" when given any opportunity. When asked why? I just point to his constant crying and talking about how afraid he is of everything.

It is probably a completely unfair character assassination on my part, but it's also an obvious truth when attention is drawn to it.

So; I can't believe anyone listens to that sobbing coward. But then, I suppose I'd be sad and scarred too if the best I could come up with was:
The government isn't hearing their voice; even if you call,
They don't listen to you on both sides; if you're a conservative,
You are called a racist; you want to starve children,
Yada, yada, yada, they're, and every time they do speak out,
They are shut down by political correctness.
It's like he's a right wing emohawk.
posted by quin at 1:28 PM on April 2, 2009 [14 favorites]


At some point, hopefully soon, Beck is going to hit complete incoherence. He's a handful of neurons away from being on a street corner with a poster board screaming about Jesus and Area 51 to passers-by.
posted by GuyZero at 1:29 PM on April 2, 2009


quin, emohawk is the best new word I've heard in quite some time.
posted by Mister_A at 1:29 PM on April 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Glenn Beck is the LeBron James of totally fucking insane dipshits, and this poetry proves it.
posted by Damn That Television at 1:30 PM on April 2, 2009


Wow, these only get better.
posted by Damn That Television at 1:36 PM on April 2, 2009


emohawk! Ha, good one quin!

BTW, Glenn Beck is a douche.
posted by snsranch at 1:39 PM on April 2, 2009


I prefer the poetry of S. Palin.

"Challenge to a Cynic"

You are a cynic.
Because show me where
I have ever said
That there's absolute proof
That nothing that man
Has ever conducted
Or engaged in,
Has had any effect,
Or no effect,
On climate change.
posted by yeti at 1:42 PM on April 2, 2009 [5 favorites]


GO CRY IN YOUR BLOODY BATTLEFIELD, EMOHAWK.
posted by The Whelk at 1:42 PM on April 2, 2009 [8 favorites]


Watching the video of this guy, he has the performance skills of a second rate professional wrestler doing a pre-match rant. I was shocked at the overblown phoniness of it all. A real poet knows how to read his own stuff.
posted by idiopath at 1:44 PM on April 2, 2009


From Urban Dictionary:
emohawk:
It's an emohawk. A polymorph that is spayed at birth and is
half domesticated. It's trained to change shape at it's owners behest like all polymorphs it's an emotional leech, it has the ability to steal emotions from living creatures.

Emotions are a highly valued trading commodity.
"It's the emohawk!".

"The gun, the emohawk's the gun!"
posted by Xurando at 1:46 PM on April 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


He's no Rumsfeld.
posted by vibrotronica at 1:50 PM on April 2, 2009


Freedom's untidy
and free people are free
to make mistakes
and commit crimes
and do bad things.
They're also free
to live their lives
and do wonderful things.
And that's what's going to happen here.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 1:50 PM on April 2, 2009


The emohawk makes an appearance in Red Dwarf, btw. Twice, I think.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 1:51 PM on April 2, 2009


Oh cool, is this the thread where we piss on someone while basking in being better than them?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:56 PM on April 2, 2009


I am all ears to hear about how awesome and sincere Glenn Beck is.
posted by GuyZero at 1:58 PM on April 2, 2009


MetaFilter: reaily excited about the prospects of the mid-90s community site-thing coming back.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 2:00 PM on April 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh cool, is this the thread where we piss on someone while basking in being better than them?

You're not from around here, are you?
posted by billysumday at 2:01 PM on April 2, 2009 [3 favorites]


Metafilter: Jesus decides to take the money from you now, and then he gives it to Octomom.
posted by mrgrimm at 2:01 PM on April 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'm not sure if pissing and basking are activities one should run together, but whatever gets your rocks off...
posted by elwoodwiles at 2:02 PM on April 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh cool, is this the thread where we piss on someone while basking in being better than them?

If I could actually urinate on Glenn Beck, I would. Unless he was on fire.
posted by ScotchRox at 2:04 PM on April 2, 2009 [11 favorites]


Glenn Beck is that distinctly aggressive combination of drooling ideologue and dry drunk that makes Rush Limbaugh look like Harry Reasoner.

Indeed. I think Beck is a big silly douchebag, but when viewed as part of the spectrum of wingnut talk shows it seems that his role is to give Limbaugh excuse to make even more extreme lies seem palatable and mainstream. The local conservative talk show douchebag in my city worships Beck, and has encouraged listeners to set up "circles of influence" and other action groups. This is cause for alarm, I think. Because if things go off the rails there is already this network of jackass middle class men who subscribe to the lies these people peddle and that could potentially try to cause trouble for others.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:04 PM on April 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


If I could actually urinate on Glenn Beck, I would. Unless he was on fire.

Ideally, the fire would be hot enough so your urine would do nothing to douse the flame, but only cause acrid, foul steam to fill his burning lungs while he's being charred to death.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:05 PM on April 2, 2009 [4 favorites]


Oh cool, is this the thread where we piss on someone while basking in being better than them?

Honestly? Yeah, there should be limits to internet smugness and self-righteousness, and god knows that snark gets overdone. But I really can't feel too bad about pissing on Glenn Beck. I try to be humble (I live in the upper midwest-- it's drilled into you here), but yes, I feel like I'm better than him. I don't make my living going on tv and busting my ass off to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Glenn Beck should be pissed on, then shat on, then buried in a deep hole, then pissed on some more. And then the ground should be salted. With piss.

Then we all go off, rehydrate, and do the same thing to Lou Fucking Dobbs.
posted by COBRA! at 2:09 PM on April 2, 2009 [9 favorites]


You know what would be cool? Is if one of Glenn Beck's assistants tracked down this website and read the comments, and then wrote them into one of Beck's segments about the evil far-left web Nazis like the Daily Kooks and the Metafilterites. I would only hope one of my comments was included. So here goes:

Glenn Beck, I want to rip out your windpipe, dry it in my smokehouse, fashion a blowpipe out of it, rip out your teeth, stuff them in the blowpipe, and shoot them at you as you lay dying in pain!!!
posted by billysumday at 2:10 PM on April 2, 2009 [5 favorites]


Then we all go off, rehydrate...

Make sure to take lots of vitamin B!
posted by Burhanistan at 2:16 PM on April 2, 2009


Oh cool, is this the thread where we piss on someone while basking in being better than them?
Yes.
posted by Flunkie at 2:16 PM on April 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Wow, that's harsh.

Me, I get the feeling that the must suitable punishment for him is being Glenn Beck.
posted by JHarris at 2:20 PM on April 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Glenn Beck: Fascism is coming
posted by Joe Beese at 2:24 PM on April 2, 2009


I fear for this country too. I fear that after eight years of being ruled by idiots, people will flock to a bigger idiot. It might be this guy.
posted by fungible at 2:26 PM on April 2, 2009


the must suitable punishment for him is being Glenn Beck.

I dunno. he has what all borderline psychotic conspiracy theorists crave: an audience, and legitimacy. Like those guys ranting on public access, or even the cliched sandwich board wielders. Whenever I see Glenn Beck, I feel as though i'm watching someone slowly lose their sanity on live TV, ala the anchor from Network.

Hey, look, Glenn feels the same way!

seriously though, we should be careful snarking on him, because THEY SURROUND US
posted by ScotchRox at 2:33 PM on April 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Projection much? Glenn Beck warns: 'Fascism is on the rise'
posted by homunculus at 2:34 PM on April 2, 2009


From the NYT link: The conservative writer David Frum said Mr. Beck’s success “is a product of the collapse of conservatism as an organized political force, and the rise of conservatism as an alienated cultural sensibility.”
posted by ZenMasterThis at 2:38 PM on April 2, 2009 [3 favorites]


You know what would be cool? Is if one of Glenn Beck's assistants tracked down this website and read the comments

I forget who, but somebody showed up here once claiming they used to work with Beck and he was actually a performance artist and a nice guy and moderate in real life and blah blah blah. I didn't believe them.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 2:42 PM on April 2, 2009


The conservative writer David Frum said Mr. Beck’s success “is a product of the collapse of conservatism as an organized political force, and the rise of conservatism as an alienated cultural sensibility.”

And not an upbringing that involves the words "bargain" or "Mephistopheles".
posted by shadytrees at 2:49 PM on April 2, 2009


I forget who, but somebody showed up here once claiming they used to work with Beck and he was actually a performance artist and a nice guy and moderate in real life and blah blah blah. I didn't believe them.

I often wonder how many of these people are just faking it for the money and how many are pulling some kind of Andy Kauffman stunt. I haven't yet decided which one Glenn Beck is.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 3:22 PM on April 2, 2009


>I forget who, but somebody showed up here once claiming they used to work with Beck<>

The passage in question:

Ok..final thoughts...

I jumped in on this thread because…

A: I work in talk radio.. a fact I more then cringe at when I hear the hate Rush and Hannity..and all the rest spew. But that said I know people who have worked with Beck..I know his story...I can assure you he's not a racist. Infotainment yes..racist no. (Although we could point to the LDS priesthood/doctrine factor..which I would agree with..but I can tell you beck would stand up to any LDS member or leader who he felt was truely discriminating against someone.) Infact, I take call after call from right-wingers PISSED off at something beck said everyday. It’s because THEY TOO do not “get it.” Any more then they get South Park or the Daily show.

B: Beck IS satire..he uses his incorrect..and sometimes tasteless humor to make his point..but damn it most of us..outside of this thread apparently..have at one time or another used satire to make our point. The difference is that most of us have don’t have the talent to sit behind a microphone and entertain a national audience for three hours a day. (if you think you can..contact premier..they want to talk to you.) Beck will be the first to tell you..”man if you agree with everything I say..you are a blind sheep.” He himself will tell you..”I’m just a rodeo clown” and he is…

C. Every time I see a Media Matters post on Meta I cringe..this is a group that DOES nothing more then douche bag Bozell’s Media research Center..they take up donations..ie waste money..to scrutinize media that YOU yourself as a viewer/listner should be scrutinizing anyway. If you aren’t you don’t need a fucking council to tell you what’s wrong..you need to throw away you damn T.V. My second thought on these “call your provider and protest” groups is that the only people they serve is the people that ALREADY agree with them. Bozell on the right…Brock on the left…and neither one of them are getting anything done that will truly make this country a better place..both of them need to STFU and buy their own tv networks.

D: I was fucking appalled that some of the same people slamming beck on this thread would defend South Park to their hearts content. If you want to slam him for “dumbing” down America great..but your going to have to slam all the other crap on TV too. If you however have never listened to Beck..and you jumped in this thread to slam him because of one comment you saw taken out of context..(watch the whole show..then get back to me..)..man that just ain’t right OR true and you are a dumb ass for not knowing what you are talking about.

That is all. Flame on…
posted by [redacted] at 6:51 AM on November 17, 2006

posted by darth_tedious at 3:30 PM on April 2, 2009


South Park is dumbing down America? It's got some of the best social commentary on TV!
posted by ZenMasterThis at 3:44 PM on April 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


This is fucking brilliant:
WRONG WITH US
Put these people in jail, put these people in jail,
Put them in jail, what is wrong with us;
We knew this guy was in the country,
He was -- he has been in the country
And extradited before; we have thrown him
Out of the country, then we brought him back, and
Then we threw him out and he came back again;
What the hell is wrong with us, what is wrong with us.
Also, one of my faves: The Poetry of Donald Rumsfeld
posted by eyeballkid at 4:16 PM on April 2, 2009


Yeah, I'm not even particularly a fan of South Park and I think it's a smart show.
posted by vibrotronica at 4:18 PM on April 2, 2009


I often wonder how many of these people are just faking it for the money and how many are pulling some kind of Andy Kauffman stunt.

Does this mean you don't think any of them truly believe it? I envy your optimism. I assume that Coulter, Beck, Limbaugh, etc. are 100% sincere, and the vast majority of the millions of people who watch them and read their books share their beliefs.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 4:28 PM on April 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Also, one of my faves: The Poetry of Donald Rumsfeld

I'm glad to see the one I just made up isn't one of the ones they already did.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 4:58 PM on April 2, 2009


I assume that Coulter, Beck, Limbaugh, etc. are 100% sincere,

Speaking of Coulter and Limbuagh: Coulter Falls For Fake Obama NASCAR Story That Limbaugh Said No One Would Believe
posted by homunculus at 5:01 PM on April 2, 2009


I assume that Coulter, Beck, Limbaugh, etc. are 100% sincere, and the vast majority of the millions of people who watch them and read their books share their beliefs.

It'd be pretty amazing if it turns out those millions of people are actually hipsters, donning the political equivalent of an ironic shirt.
posted by brundlefly at 5:13 PM on April 2, 2009


It'd be pretty amazing if it turns out those millions of people are actually hipsters, donning the political equivalent of an ironic shirt.

Yeah, but then they'd be canceled out by the millions of ironic republican hipsters just pretendin' to be Democrat.
posted by suedehead at 5:32 PM on April 2, 2009


to scrutinize media that YOU yourself as a viewer/listner should be scrutinizing anyway.

I have to spend my time posting to MetaFilter - I don't have time to listen to Rush, Paul Harvey and Glenn Beck. Plus, isn't Beck on Cable? I'd rather see nothing on the TV come June 20th 2009 than get cable.
posted by rough ashlar at 7:55 PM on April 2, 2009


May I say? As a member since 2005 and a lurker for much longer, it is a dream come true to have something I worked on become an FPP. I'd like to thank We Had A Deal Kyle, my late parents, and The Academy. Oh, and whatshisname? Right. God.
posted by Superfrankenstein at 8:06 PM on April 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


Hey! It's the next MeFi's own! Nice work Superfrankenstein.
posted by GuyZero at 9:09 PM on April 2, 2009


When it comes to found poetry, nothing tops The Selected Verse of Phil Rizzuto.
posted by kalimotxero at 9:19 PM on April 2, 2009


The best way to respond to Glenn Beck is to refuse take him seriously and mock the shit out of him. Surprisingly enough, this is exactly what Fox's Shep Smith does
posted by afu at 9:53 PM on April 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Heh. "Fear chamber". Shep Smith is wacky.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:05 PM on April 2, 2009


There is no way Coulter takes herself seriously. She's friends with Bill Maher and a bunch of other raging liberals.

As for Beck and Rush, well, you can't fake that level of nuts.
posted by mek at 1:14 AM on April 3, 2009


There is no way Coulter takes herself seriously. She's friends with Bill Maher and a bunch of other raging liberals.

If that is true then it doubly damns Ms. Coulter, author of a couple of the liberal-hating hatchet jobs Slander, Treason and Godless, and additionally damns her raging liberal friends for knowing the truth and not saying anything about it. As They Might Be Giants said (who I'm growing increasingly certain have a quotable lyric for every situation ever), "you can't shake the devil's hand and say you're only kidding."
posted by JHarris at 10:15 AM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]


O'Reilly in Bircherville: Obama's selling us out to 'one world government'

Oliver North Compares Expansion of AmeriCorps Program to Nazism and Stalinism, “Free Enterprise” to Julius Caesar

These people are fucking nuts.
posted by homunculus at 1:08 PM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]


Pittsburgh shooter Poplawski "didn't like our [gun] rights being infringed upon"
posted by homunculus at 2:57 PM on April 4, 2009


Glenn Beck’s America
posted by homunculus at 10:31 PM on April 4, 2009


Michele Bachmann: Obama’s Going to Send Your Children to Political “Re-Education Camps”
posted by homunculus at 3:04 PM on April 6, 2009


Credit where it's due: Glenn Beck's thorough debunking of FEMA camps
posted by homunculus at 10:10 AM on April 7, 2009


Roger Ebert: Thoughts on Bill O'Reilly and Squeaky the Chicago Mouse
posted by homunculus at 1:59 PM on April 8, 2009


Clash of the Titan Wingnuts
posted by homunculus at 2:22 PM on April 8, 2009


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