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137 Uncomfortable Plot Summaries of a wide variety of movies, TV series and even a couple books, from varying points of view (whatever is the most uncomfortable). A treasure trove of pop culture redefinition.
posted by wendell (425 comments total) 165 users marked this as a favorite

 
AUNTIE MAME: Spinster exposes child to sexual fetishists, socialists; thwarts marriage to good Republican girl.

Well, yes. Yes she does.

ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.


This is the best summary of the ALIEN movies ever.
posted by The Whelk at 12:11 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


# BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
# BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA: Redneck trucker kills Chinese immigrants.

This is a trollerer's go-to source. Damn.
posted by DU at 12:15 PM on April 14, 2009 [7 favorites]


FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes world dance for his amusement.

How else would one describe it?
posted by djfiander at 12:17 PM on April 14, 2009 [30 favorites]


The Twilight summary is pretty much all that needs to be said.

Ever.
posted by HostBryan at 12:18 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Yeah, around 25% of these were just restating the whole obvious point of the work.
posted by COBRA! at 12:18 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


This is making my day.
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 12:18 PM on April 14, 2009


I'm pretty sure I once saw a summary of Requiem for a Dream that was something like "Disaffected Brooklyites try to better themselves."
posted by pts at 12:18 PM on April 14, 2009 [8 favorites]


Conan: A young boy grows up to hunt his parents' killer and recapture his father's penis, only to break it.
posted by ooga_booga at 12:22 PM on April 14, 2009


I was going to say the title should be Cynical Plot Summaries, but then I see that is one of the tags. This will be bookmarked in my Movies folder and referred to often. Hope the list grows.
posted by telstar at 12:23 PM on April 14, 2009


Dead Man: .
posted by one_bean at 12:24 PM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


HEART'S "DOG & BUTTERFLY" — harmless flying protagonist repeatedly menaced by slavering jaws of a monster tens of thousands of times heavier than it; ancient primate looks on and approves.
posted by adipocere at 12:24 PM on April 14, 2009


I give up on trying to list a few good ones. Many of these are very funny.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:24 PM on April 14, 2009


GROUNDHOG DAY: Misanthropic creep exploits space/time anomaly to stalk coworker.

But in the most charming and delightful way!
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 12:25 PM on April 14, 2009 [15 favorites]


Thanks for making me laugh. I've been having a tough day.
posted by Afroblanco at 12:26 PM on April 14, 2009


LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.

That description is a thing of beauty.
posted by CheshireCat at 12:34 PM on April 14, 2009 [25 favorites]


CRANK: Drug addict spends last day in orgy of rape and violence.

Actually, I think that was how the film was pitched.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:35 PM on April 14, 2009 [10 favorites]


Funny:
FIREFLY: In an analogue of the post-Civil War west, a white man on the losing side bosses around a black woman.

Perfect:
HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.
posted by Bookhouse at 12:36 PM on April 14, 2009 [24 favorites]


SCARFACE: Immigrant finds running his own business stressful, dangerous.

Now I have to explain to my co-workers that, yes, I do in fact know how to drink water out of a grown-up cup without choking and spitting it all over my desk.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 12:38 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Okay, sorry, one more:

TITANIC: Crazy old widow disregards lifelong memories of husband, children, and grandchildren in favor of that one time she fucked a bum.
posted by Bookhouse at 12:41 PM on April 14, 2009 [46 favorites]


The "Star Wars" and "Seven" ones did it for me, 1f2frfbf.
posted by rokusan at 12:43 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


SE7EN: Homicide detectives unable to prevent even a single murder by admitted serial killer, killer gives cop head.

Ok, that's just about the funniest thing I've read all month.
posted by bondcliff at 12:44 PM on April 14, 2009


ANIMAL HOUSE: Douchebags do whatever they want.
LEAVING LAS VEGAS: Drunk fucks hooker; dies.
THE ACCUSED: Bar attendees disregard pinball machine instructions.
THELA AND LOUISE: Women are terrible drivers.

I wish I'd thought of this before.
posted by Skot at 12:44 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


THELA? Fuck you, me.
posted by Skot at 12:45 PM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]


Here, I made you a delicious sandwich. It is made entirely out of 137-proof snark, and it is very tasty.
posted by Nelson at 12:45 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


These are great. I would add:

CLOVERFIELD: Self-absorbed yuppies have a hard time finding their way to Midtown Manhattan, end up in Central Park.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:46 PM on April 14, 2009 [7 favorites]


BLACK HAWK DOWN: American soldiers battle Negro zombies.
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 12:47 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


Most of these are trying too hard to be clever and witty.

However, some of them make me laugh so hard that my stomach hurts.

So it's quite a net positive.
posted by Damn That Television at 12:48 PM on April 14, 2009


Skot are those ones yours?
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 12:50 PM on April 14, 2009


Killer gives cop head

Bravo, bravo.
posted by From Bklyn at 12:51 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Memento : Brain damaged people are easy to fuck with, but will eventually kill you.
posted by Afroblanco at 12:53 PM on April 14, 2009 [9 favorites]


Skot are those ones yours?

Yeah. Just firing from the hip, and probably killing innocent bystanders.
posted by Skot at 12:53 PM on April 14, 2009


LA CONFIDENTIAL: Rapist joins thug in foiling police corruption scheme.

I just saw this, and yep.
posted by telstar at 12:53 PM on April 14, 2009


THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Mel Gibson fulfills fantasy of showing a Jew beaten to a bloody pulp and killed on-screen.
posted by troybob at 12:54 PM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]


THE DEPARTED: FBI uses Irish drug addict to taunt clergy pedophiles
posted by Smedleyman at 12:55 PM on April 14, 2009


GANGS OF NEW YORK: Leprechauns kill Snidely Whiplash.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:58 PM on April 14, 2009 [19 favorites]


Lost In Translation : Suppressed longing leads to underwhelming infidelity.
posted by Afroblanco at 12:59 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


The Whelk: "ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.

This is the best summary of the ALIEN movies ever.
"

Related:

TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
posted by pbh at 1:00 PM on April 14, 2009


Their 300 one, "gays kill blacks" is kind of weak, seeing as how "A band of valiant, white, straight, scantily-clad heroes sacrifice themselves to stop an invading force of leprous and effeminate Asians" is not a joking description of the movie, it is the movie.

They also forgot one of the best of all time, (quoting IMDB here)

Rick Polito of the Marin Independent Journal printed in Northern California is locally famous for his droll, single-sentence summations of television programs and movies which the newspaper reports will be broadcast. For the Wizard of Oz, he wrote, "Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again."

posted by Ndwright at 1:01 PM on April 14, 2009 [37 favorites]


THE ACCUSED: Bar attendees disregard pinball machine instructions.
posted by Skot at 12:44 PM on April 14 [+] [!]


This one is just fantastic. Audible laughter ensued.

If we're going to get all analytical here though: the first two are definitely accurate and blunt, but the movies were kind of just as blunt in sort of confirming that message to a degree. I think the blunt ones work when they're just more specific to a trait rather than overall tone. Like with Harry Potter's "rule breaking" one on the site. It's like the funniest ones are completely ignorant of the point and deeply laced in delicious irony (instead of bitchy, contrarian irony... but that's subjective?). The fourth one gets closer to what makes your third one so sucessful. Anyway, that was all shooting from the hip, but enjoyable. I'm just trying to nail down what makes the posted list so good. This is superfun.
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 1:01 PM on April 14, 2009


RAMBO III: The United States provides arms, equipment and training to the terrorists behind 9/11.

Hehh..
posted by odinsdream at 1:01 PM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]


My favorite movie...

Bring Me The Head Of Alfredo Garcia: Musician takes road trip with girlfriend, runs into her old flame
posted by Joe Beese at 1:02 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.

I could never quite put into words why I never really liked this series of books. This is why.
posted by Lucinda at 1:04 PM on April 14, 2009


BLADE RUNNER: Man with no apparent skill stumbles into escaped robots, fails to kill most, fucks one.

That's pretty much the message I took away from the movie.
posted by cereselle at 1:04 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Some of these are quite marvelous.
posted by graventy at 1:04 PM on April 14, 2009


ROCKY: White man beats black man.

Nope.
posted by Dr-Baa at 1:05 PM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


Metafilter: Underachievers seek distractions by sharing links, and then mocking those links.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 1:05 PM on April 14, 2009 [35 favorites]


The Little Mermaid: Girl chooses between two forms of mutilation out of lust for rich husband.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:05 PM on April 14, 2009 [14 favorites]


Seriously though, these are great. Blade Runner especially.
posted by Dr-Baa at 1:06 PM on April 14, 2009


PRETTY WOMAN : Prostitute hired.
posted by Afroblanco at 1:06 PM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]


REVENGE OF THE NERDS: Tri-Lamda freshmen charged with felony invasion of privacy
posted by starman at 1:07 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE: Man is betrayed by darker-skinned brother, escapes poverty through blind luck in pursuit of light-skinned woman.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 1:09 PM on April 14, 2009


Hook : Narcissistic man-child torments aging, disabled entrepreneur.
posted by Afroblanco at 1:09 PM on April 14, 2009 [11 favorites]


HOOSIERS: Hicks briefly experience meaningless triumph.
2001: Astronaut battles computer; becomes enormous baby.
LOOK WHO'S TALKING: Trapped consciousness masks existential despair with wisecracks.
posted by Skot at 1:14 PM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]


These are really ahrd to come up with for movies with moral ambivalence in them. Practically everything on my DVD shelf is impossible to denigrate in terms of plot. Happiness, Dancer in the Dark? Jeez!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:15 PM on April 14, 2009


CLOAK AND DAGGER: Spoiled teens discover drugs make them special.

What? There were no drugs OR teenagers in this movie.
posted by desjardins at 1:15 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


300: gays kill blacks

i think needs more specificity:

300: homo jocks fail to kill 8 foot tall black transvestite.
posted by geos at 1:15 PM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]


THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN: Sining midgets on Shetland ponies pretend they're in a cowboy movie.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:16 PM on April 14, 2009


On second view, I'm wondering if he's actually seen all these movies. Some of the summaries are flat-out wrong:

ROCKY: White man beats black man.

RUSHMORE: Teen molests teacher, is expelled. Finds love.

THE PROFESSIONAL: Hired murderer sleeps with little girl.

PREDATOR: American military-industrial complex ruins first contact with alien life.



While others are fairly straightforward plot summaries:

TRAINSPOTTING: Statutory rapist and junkie sifts through human waste, gets enormous sum of money.

THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY: Family abandons beloved pets, forcing them to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.

STAR TREK VI: Racist military commander past his prime nearly ruins galactic peace.

RAMBO III: The United States provides arms, equipment and training to the terrorists behind 9/11.

DONNIE DARKO: Hallucinating teen crushed by airplane engine.

posted by Ndwright at 1:16 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


REBECCA: Angry lesbian has trouble coping with a loss to cancer.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:17 PM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]


The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Man defies all scientific reasoning and ages backwards; no one seems to notice, care.
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 1:17 PM on April 14, 2009


Practically everything on my DVD shelf is impossible to denigrate in terms of plot. Happiness, Dancer in the Dark? Jeez!

really?

LARS VON TRIER: NAIVE WOMAN TORTURED AND KILLED.
posted by geos at 1:18 PM on April 14, 2009 [21 favorites]


yeah, Donnie Darko is actually a LOT darker than that, hmm?
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:18 PM on April 14, 2009


geos: And how is that worse than the actual film? It's not. That's the point, they ARE that nasty.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:18 PM on April 14, 2009


Regarding Henry: Lawyer shot in head, improves personality.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:19 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Watchmen: Fetishists team up to stop a nerd from destroying New York.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:19 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Lethal Weapon: Mentally unstable co-worker gets man tortured, his daughter kidnapped, and his house destroyed.
posted by Joe Beese at 1:19 PM on April 14, 2009


DO THE RIGHT THING: Pizza-delivery person wonders whether he still has a job.
posted by box at 1:20 PM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]


2001: Astronaut battles computer; becomes enormous baby.
posted by Skot at 1:14 PM on April 14 [+] [!]


more audible laughter.
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 1:20 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


The Whelk: "ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.

This is the best summary of the ALIEN movies ever."

Related:

TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
posted by pbh at 1:00 PM on April 14 [+] [!]


Se also:

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
posted by ooga_booga at 1:21 PM on April 14, 2009 [111 favorites]


Dancer in the Dark: Blind Bjork belts out bleak ballads, dies.
posted by troybob at 1:21 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


Raging Bull: Asshole goes to jail.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:21 PM on April 14, 2009


THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE: Rich hobbyist declines to mother own child, kills employee.

REAL GENIUS: Irresponsible students destroy national defense project.

SIXTEEN CANDLES: Jock finds new girlfriend, sells old girlfriend to nerd. Also Asians are stupid.

THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION: Convicted criminal disrupts prison, escapes.

GREMLINS II: Sentient nonhumans destroyed by corporate drones.

THE SIXTH SENSE: A bullied child hallucinates.
posted by cereselle at 1:21 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


This will...oh. um, hi!

In other news, this is good.
posted by LMGM at 1:21 PM on April 14, 2009


Se?
posted by ooga_booga at 1:21 PM on April 14, 2009


Punisher: War Zone: Masochist ignores recycling regulations, kills minorities while guido stereotype goes slumming.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 1:21 PM on April 14, 2009


BIRTH OF A NATION: War hero becomes community organizer.
posted by DaDaDaDave at 1:22 PM on April 14, 2009 [20 favorites]


THE ROCK: FBI releases dangerous criminal, puts all of San Francisco in mortal peril in order to break up a group of American soldiers protesting for better compensation.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:22 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


BACK TO THE FUTURE: Teenager accidentally seduces own mother, father exploits situation to get book deal.
posted by burnmp3s at 1:22 PM on April 14, 2009 [17 favorites]


TRON: Overly competitive entrepreneur risks health for professional recognition.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:24 PM on April 14, 2009


The Blair Witch Project: Students go to Best Buy, steal camcorder, stop off out in the forest at night before reading the manual.
posted by Danf at 1:24 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


DO THE RIGHT THING: Brooklyn resident incites riot, burns down place of employment, demands back pay.

LEGALLY BLONDE: Idiot makes mockery of post-secondary educational system.

ROSEMARY'S BABY: Young couple introduced to swinger lifestyle by kindly geriatrics.
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 1:24 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


Dracula: Deluded Brits scheme to murder Romanian royalty as revenge for friend's anemia.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:25 PM on April 14, 2009 [10 favorites]


GIMME SHELTER : Rolling Stones give free concert. Meredith Hunter, The 60s die.
posted by Afroblanco at 1:26 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


E.T.: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
MARLEY AND ME: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.


See also: Old Yeller, Cujo, Aliens3, Pet Semetary, the Thing, and the Scoobie Doo movie with Scrappy in it.
posted by Sparx at 1:26 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


The Thing: Chauvinistic, alcoholic American hicks massively pollute Antarctica, kill only other life form for miles.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 1:26 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


THE EXORCIST: A little girl is incapable of taking care of herself.
DELIVERANCE: Four men embark on a sex-soaked countryside vacation trip.
MY LEFT FOOT: Cripple impresses regular people.
posted by Skot at 1:28 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


It's kind of hard to stop once you get started.

Easy Rider: Drug pushing cross-country rapists stopped by concerned Florida motorists.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:28 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


THE EXORCIST: Jesus trumps science.

Doesn't he always?
posted by filthy light thief at 1:28 PM on April 14, 2009


Finding Nemo: Husband sees wife killed, child abducted.
posted by Joe Beese at 1:28 PM on April 14, 2009


BABY MAMA: An unmanned pregnancy leads to complications.
posted by jeremy b at 1:29 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


The humor of these is really irregular.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:29 PM on April 14, 2009


THE X-FILES: Competent, driven woman held back in her career advancement by male co-worker.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:29 PM on April 14, 2009 [33 favorites]


Star Wars, Episodes I-III: Duly-appointed head of state suppresses fanatical religious militia, creates countless jobs with massive construction project.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:32 PM on April 14, 2009 [28 favorites]


POLTERGEIST : Girl watches too much TV, gets totally sucked in.
posted by Afroblanco at 1:32 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


The Sandlot: Bespectacled teen fakes drowning death to escape homoerotic friendships, meet woman of his dreams.

-OR-

The Sandlot: Animal abuse and child neglect go unremarked, blind junkyard owner becomes an expert in drool analysis.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 1:33 PM on April 14, 2009


Bang the Drum Slowly: A slow agonizing death is the only thing that is more of a bummer than the monotony of baseball.
posted by Danf at 1:34 PM on April 14, 2009


TRANSFORMERS: Army lures enormous, hostile aliens into urban area, needlessly killing thousands.
posted by shadow vector at 1:35 PM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


These actually read a lot like broken picture telephone descriptions.
posted by ob at 1:36 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


Tremors: Backwoods hicks discover extremely rare creature, hunt nearly it to extinction.
posted by specialagentwebb at 1:37 PM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]


THE TRUMAN SHOW: Privileged white male looks history's biggest gift horse in the mouth.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:38 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


Every Guy Ritchie Movie (apart from that one): Gangsters in London, some other sub-plot.
posted by ob at 1:38 PM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]


CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND: Husband abandons family responsibilities to trespass on military outpost for noisy light show.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:38 PM on April 14, 2009 [9 favorites]


A FEW GOOD MEN: Young lawyer destroys army officer's career despite needing him on that wall.
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 1:38 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


THE BLUES BROTHERS: Comedians who can't sing or play music destroy Illinois mall with help from singers and musicians who can't act.
posted by yhbc at 1:39 PM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]


Blue Velvet: Working class small-town entreupeneur is tormented by horny college student.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:41 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: Aging professor flees to remote jungle to avoid child support payments, escape rogue special effects crew intent on making him look ridiculous.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 1:41 PM on April 14, 2009


AMERICAN PSYCHO: Yuppie incurs videotape late fees, enjoys pop music

ROCKY BALBOA: Elderly restaurateur cleans out basement, discovers video games
posted by Smedleyman at 1:42 PM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]


TITUS ANDRONICUS: Happy-go-lucky young noblemen compete for girl's hand, leaving her speechless.

AUDITION: Misunderstood introvert finds joy in needlework.
posted by DaDaDaDave at 1:44 PM on April 14, 2009 [17 favorites]


2001: Astronaut battles computer; becomes enormous baby.

AKIRA: teen-age hooligan becomes enormous baby, fights best friend with laser. Tokyo destroyed.
posted by geos at 1:45 PM on April 14, 2009


I've read phone books more uncomfortable and snarkier than these plot summaries. Droll -1.
posted by doobiedoo at 1:46 PM on April 14, 2009


Jaws: Police harass endangered species
posted by criticalbill at 1:46 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


THE WIZARD OF OZ: Delinquent teen and her aggressive dog flee foster home and go on international killing spree, targeting middle-aged women.
posted by FelliniBlank at 1:47 PM on April 14, 2009 [9 favorites]


GRIZZLY MAN: Werner Herzog listens to a man being eaten by a bear.
posted by geos at 1:48 PM on April 14, 2009 [15 favorites]


The Omen: Planned pregnancy leads to complications.
posted by Danf at 1:49 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Jonestown: The Life and Death of Peoples Temple: Beloved clergyman assembles his congregation in bucolic setting, serves refreshments
posted by Joe Beese at 1:50 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


CASABLANCA: Treasonous fugitives coerce responsible entrepreneur into abetting their evasion of immigration law.
posted by FelliniBlank at 1:51 PM on April 14, 2009 [8 favorites]


MetaFilter: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
posted by oaf at 1:52 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Wait, no, that's Ask MetaFilter.
posted by oaf at 1:53 PM on April 14, 2009 [13 favorites]


101 DALMATIONS: Unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
posted by FelliniBlank at 1:53 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


THE RING: Rural couple starves only child, are right to do so.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:53 PM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]


PSYCHO: A thief is thwarted.
VERTIGO: Retired cop likes blondes.
PEARL HARBOUR: War heroes can be douches too.
posted by minifigs at 1:53 PM on April 14, 2009


Star Wars 4-6: Religious fanatics lie to and groom naive young boy to unwittingly murder his own father.
posted by MythMaker at 1:54 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


THE ACCUSED: Bar attendees disregard pinball machine instructions.
posted by Skot at 12:44 PM on April 14 [+] [!]

This one is just fantastic. Audible laughter ensued.


LOLRAPE's a bit too uncomfortable for me, but I guess it hits the "whatever is most uncomfortable" definition in the title.

The shorter summaries work best -- they're like newspaper headlines, every word counts. Often adding more words simply belabors the joke.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 1:56 PM on April 14, 2009


DUNE: Eugenics program brings about climate change, destroys universe

(well, the books)
posted by SirOmega at 1:59 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


THE SHINING: Wife and son keep author from finishing his novel.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:59 PM on April 14, 2009 [43 favorites]


REVENGE OF THE NERDS: Young scholars move into fixer-upper, experience sexual awakening.
posted by snofoam at 1:59 PM on April 14, 2009


NORTH BY NORTHWEST: Interrupting secret government plans can be dangerous.
posted by oaf at 1:59 PM on April 14, 2009


CITIZEN KANE: Wealthy newspaper tycoon mutters to self, dies
posted by starman at 2:01 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


THE FIFTH ELEMENT: Cab driver and illegal alien destroy luxury hotel, radio show. Eviscerate Twi'lek.

INVINCIBLE: Wife leaves bartender two weeks too soon.

PSYCHO: Hotel clerk improperly penetrates female guest
posted by Smedleyman at 2:01 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


TITUS ANDRONICUS: Happy-go-lucky young noblemen compete for girl's hand, leaving her speechless.

*blinks* My God, that's evil. Well done.
posted by cereselle at 2:02 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


"REBECCA: Angry lesbian has trouble coping with a loss to cancer."

SILKWOOD: Angry lesbian has trouble coping with cancer.

GODFATHER: Italian conforms to stereotypes.

GODFATHER II: Criminal immigrant thrives in America; second generation immigrant also criminal.

GODFATHER III: Pope conspires with mafia, Italian criminality hereditary.
posted by klangklangston at 2:03 PM on April 14, 2009


Moulin Rouge: Gold digger leads on rich man for his money while banging poor writer on the side.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 2:03 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


IRRÉVERSIBLE: Rectum, nearly killed 'em.
posted by klangklangston at 2:06 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


THE ACCUSED: Bar attendees disregard pinball machine instructions.
posted by Skot at 12:44 PM on April 14 [+] [!]

This one is just fantastic. Audible laughter ensued.

LOLRAPE's a bit too uncomfortable for me, but I guess it hits the "whatever is most uncomfortable" definition in the title.

The shorter summaries work best -- they're like newspaper headlines, every word counts. Often adding more words simply belabors the joke.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 1:56 PM on April 14 [+] [!]


I'm uncomfortable with it too, but that's what makes the specific joke work (not in a general, "it's offensive therefore funny!" way). Not to spell it out, but it's the complete ignorance of the subject matter, and the irony of that ignorance that is funny. Whereas making a crude joke about the rape itself, would be too on the nose and tactless. If that makes sense. Anyways, that's what I'd classify as LOLRAPE instead of what was what above, which was, well, tactful enough for me if that makes sense.

Also you're right on the nose about every word counting and belaboring the joke.
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 2:06 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


Threads: Woman bounces back from the cancellation of her wedding plans by returning to the country and giving birth to a child.
posted by Joe Beese at 2:08 PM on April 14, 2009 [10 favorites]


CRASH: White people and Ludacris conform to ethnic stereotypes.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:09 PM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


Memento : Brain damaged people are easy to fuck with, but will eventually kill you.

Memento: Care for handicapped goes unrewarded.

American Beauty: Paedophile killed.

Beverly Hills Cop: Black man unwelcome in white enclave.

Catch Me If You Can: Proof that crime eventually pays.

Devil Wears Prada: No good assistants in New York.

Gladiator: Man just can't move on.

Syriana: Man sticks nose where not wanted.

The Breakfast Club: Diligent principal betrayed by students.

The Incredibles: Aging has-been seeks limelight.

Zoolander: Unnatractive men somehow models.
posted by djgh at 2:11 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: Cursed sailors attempt to return tainted booty.
posted by snofoam at 2:11 PM on April 14, 2009


Napolean Dynamite: Black dancer helps white boy elect Mexican. Child molester settles for his ex.
posted by TimeTravelSpeed at 2:13 PM on April 14, 2009


IN BRUGES: Tourists abuse, kill, actors, dwarf.

DRUMLINE: Drum. Line.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN: It just goes to show, you can’t be too careful
posted by Smedleyman at 2:14 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


Annie Hall: Animal abuse by neurotic couple goes unpunished.
posted by Danf at 2:15 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


CHARLOTTE'S WEB: Spin artist hypes unremarkable swine, abandons children.
posted by burnmp3s at 2:16 PM on April 14, 2009 [32 favorites]


Harry Potter: Boy locked under stairway by caregivers has rich fantasy life.
2001: Mission objectives thwarted when military men gain sentience, autonomy.
Passion of the Christ: Unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
Gran Torino: Racist old man employs child labor, implicated in gangland killing.
posted by phrontist at 2:16 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


PUMP UP THE VOLUME: Teenager faces onerous FCC violations.
PET SEMATARY: Child dies; continues to aggravate.
TAXI DRIVER: Cabbie struggles to understand his girlfriend's hang-ups.
posted by Skot at 2:17 PM on April 14, 2009


Child molester settles for his ex.

I'm guessing this was supposed to be MANHATTAN?
posted by Navelgazer at 2:17 PM on April 14, 2009


Dr. Strangelove: Attempted impotence cure brings about the end of the world.
The Shining: Man attempts to confront his demons, care for his mentally disturbed boy.
Saving Private Ryan: Army sacrifices eight men to avoid PR disaster.
Predator II: Rouge cop hunts illegal alien.
Shindler's List: Nazi steals money from Jews, bribes army officials.
posted by Hactar at 2:18 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


L.A. STORY: Man uses sudden control over nature to stalk ex.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:18 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


GOOD BYE LENIN: Wall topples, killing woman.
posted by oaf at 2:18 PM on April 14, 2009 [13 favorites]


HOUSE: Kutner dies.
posted by inigo2 at 2:19 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Color me unimpressed by the lot - its an exercise in taking things out of context and being self-impressed by it. I got some laughs out of a few - but not enough to justify not calling it crap.
posted by Fuka at 2:19 PM on April 14, 2009


Oh crap -- SPOILER!!
posted by inigo2 at 2:19 PM on April 14, 2009


E.T.: Illegal alien eludes federal authorities.
posted by ooga_booga at 2:21 PM on April 14, 2009 [15 favorites]


A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE: Whore breaks up family.
posted by AzraelBrown at 2:22 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


The Wizard of Oz: serial killer from Kansas goes on spree with gang, murders two.
The Shining: Demonic kid lures father to his death.
Singin' In the Rain: vengeful actor destroys career of beloved star.
Oklahoma: wealthy land owners and cowboys humiliate poor farm hand.
posted by grumblebee at 2:24 PM on April 14, 2009


The Wizard of Oz : head injury, possible stoke, causes intense hallucinations.
posted by grumblebee at 2:26 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Fuka: Self-unimpressed man sucks fun out of light-hearted parodies.
posted by TimeTravelSpeed at 2:26 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


Lord of the Rings:
Band of midgets walks towards what looks like a flaming vagina, bringing jewelry, in hope of a happy ending.
posted by JeNeSaisQuoi at 2:26 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


REQUIEM FOR A DREAM: Drug addict with financial problems loses boyfriend but learns to make ends meet.
posted by Refugio Nguyen at 2:27 PM on April 14, 2009 [54 favorites]


THE BIG LEBOWSKI: Unemployed man unwittingly entangled in schemes of moneyed and international elites; best friend dies as a result.
posted by Johnny Assay at 2:27 PM on April 14, 2009


Color me unimpressed by the lot - its an exercise in taking things out of context and being self-impressed by it.

You couldn't think up even one?
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 2:27 PM on April 14, 2009 [9 favorites]


SOUND OF MUSIC: Nun leaves convent, Austria.
posted by CaptApollo at 2:27 PM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


OLD YELLER: Boy kills beloved family pet while his father is away on business.
posted by Atom Eyes at 2:30 PM on April 14, 2009


Koyaasiqatsi: World spanning organism of concrete and metal has a pleasant day expanding into planet's countryside; pops zit.
The Truman Show: Reality TV show experiences production delays.
Dr. Strangelove: Woman maritally unsatisfied due to husband's focus on career.
Being John Malkovich: Strange ergot fungus found behind filing cabinet.
Wargames: Main character reaches peak of tic-tac-toe career, switches sports, encounters internal conflict.
posted by phrontist at 2:30 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


STRANGER THAN FICTION: Imaginary man that everyone can see screws up writer's next novel.
posted by AzraelBrown at 2:30 PM on April 14, 2009


FATAL ATTRACTION: An unplanned pregnancy causes complications.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:31 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


THE HULK: Angry man throws tantrums; heavy ordnance.
SHOWGIRLS: Women empower themselves through public nudity.
GOOD WILL HUNTING: A young genius abandons his friends and family.
posted by Skot at 2:33 PM on April 14, 2009


Waterworld: Man drinks own urine. Makes audience want to do the same.
posted by TimeTravelSpeed at 2:33 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


DOUBT: Nun has unwavering belief.
posted by oaf at 2:35 PM on April 14, 2009


FALLING DOWN: Middle-aged man walks home, confronted by the incongruities of rules, castes, and mores along the way.
posted by AzraelBrown at 2:36 PM on April 14, 2009


Ghostbusters: Reckless use of nuclear technology ruins property value of expensive Central Park West real estate.
posted by Joe Beese at 2:37 PM on April 14, 2009


Oklahoma: wealthy land owners and cowboys humiliate poor farm hand.

My god, thank you, I'm watching a bunch of classic musicals for a project and Oklahoma's main plot was completely baffling. Jud is bad because he's ...poor? And ...leers? And then there is a wicked salon dream ballet? What?

That and South Pacific's message of sleeping with 14-year-old girls who are being sold into marriage by thier mothers being presented as romantic and how the female lead goes from being a horrifying racist to not quite so horrifyingly racist. And Oh god! The opening shot, shirtless sailors in front of a huge sign that reads "TRADESMEN MUST USE REAR ENTRANCE" right before a song about how sexually frustrated they are with no women around?
posted by The Whelk at 2:38 PM on April 14, 2009 [20 favorites]


HOME ALONE: Child vigilante administers torture to petty criminals.

and I'm already sorry for this one, but:

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN: Man tries to compromise with woman, woman still complains.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:38 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Blues Brothers: Two criminals ruin lives, destroy Illinois law enforcement's transportation and then sing and dance.

Highlander: Scottish man outlives many people by beheading them.

Spartan: People rarely talk. Some die.
posted by quin at 2:39 PM on April 14, 2009


Rainman: Retiree's established routine is interrupted by sudden appearance of his mercurial and cognitively impaired younger brother.
posted by phrontist at 2:39 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


Monsieur Hire: man falls in love with his beautiful young neighbor, gives her everything.
posted by winna at 2:39 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Thank you, The Whelk. I fucking hate hate hate Rogers & Hammerstein.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:39 PM on April 14, 2009


ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST: Native American meets statutory rapist, takes law into own hands.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:45 PM on April 14, 2009


Highlander: Old Scotsman is a pain in the neck.
posted by ooga_booga at 2:45 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Highlander 2: Is a pain.
posted by ooga_booga at 2:46 PM on April 14, 2009


SYNECHDOCHE, NY: Self-obsessed man confuses life and art.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 2:46 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


NETWORK: Man is mad as hell, he claims he is not going to take it anymore, so his bosses have him killed.
posted by AzraelBrown at 2:47 PM on April 14, 2009


Ender's Game: Kid's killing spree blamed on video games.
posted by ooga_booga at 2:48 PM on April 14, 2009 [34 favorites]


LOLITA: A pedophile is deliriously happy for a while.
CHINATOWN: Emotions run high over water management issues.
OLIVER: Thieving little children are rightfully beaten and starved.
posted by Skot at 2:50 PM on April 14, 2009


SYNECHDOCHE, NY: Self-obsessed man confuses life and art.

I watched that *LAST NIGHT* and had this kind of conversation:

BF: What did you think?
ME: It's very strange, Kaufman always does dreamlike really well but this is almost hallucinatory and funereal. It's like an adaptation of Lanark with Proust thrown in and also The Obscure Object Of Desire. It's nice to see a movie be so completely itself and refuse to do any of the work for you. All the shifting of realities and recursions...what did you think?
BF: I think I get to pick the movie next time.
posted by The Whelk at 2:53 PM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]


GHOSTBUSTERS : Nosy environmentalist nearly destroys entire city.
posted by Afroblanco at 2:54 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE: As penance for a lifetime of murder, mayhem and deception, man must visit Philadelphia.
posted by DaDaDaDave at 2:56 PM on April 14, 2009 [12 favorites]


Charly: Retarded man learns something, forgets it.
posted by Astro Zombie at 2:56 PM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]


PERFECT STRANGERS: Well-meaning immigrant causes emotional breakdown of struggling everyman.

SMALL WONDER: Lonely couple ignore son, provide love and attention to appliance.

X-FILES: Federal agents consistently ineffective in preventing crime or arresting criminals.

GREEN ACRES: Rude retiree is tolerated by small-town citizens.

BEVERLY HILLBILLIES: Frugal investor avoids being dragged into financial ruin by greedy banker.
posted by AzraelBrown at 2:56 PM on April 14, 2009


The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover: French chef creates innovative new dish for his favorite customer.
posted by Joe Beese at 2:57 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


PASSION OF THE CHRIST: an exercise in taking things out of context and being self-impressed by it.
posted by Smedleyman at 2:57 PM on April 14, 2009


The original list is lazy. And most of you either don't get it, or aren't quite as clever as you think you are.
posted by jabberjaw at 2:58 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


MYSTIC RIVER: Sean Penn has anger issues.
posted by oaf at 2:58 PM on April 14, 2009


GHOSTBUSTERS: Important theological message learned by some.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 2:59 PM on April 14, 2009


JABBERJAW : Man misses point, fails to amuse anybody.
posted by Afroblanco at 2:59 PM on April 14, 2009 [7 favorites]


or really, more like :

JABBERJAW : Scooby Doo is apparently a shark now.
posted by Afroblanco at 3:00 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


METAFILTER: most of you either don't get it, or aren't quite as clever as you think you are
posted by Astro Zombie at 3:00 PM on April 14, 2009 [7 favorites]


jabberjaw: "most of you either don't get it, or aren't quite as clever as you think you are."

It's true that some of ours aren't as funny as your one about...

Wait. Something's not right here.
posted by Joe Beese at 3:03 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


GRIZZLY MAN: Crunch, crunch, crunch.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 3:05 PM on April 14, 2009


JABBERJAW: Frustrated by inexplicable obsession with cartoon shark, man lashes out at internet peers.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 3:05 PM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


THE ADDAMS FAMILY: A family of sociopaths obsessed with death torment and kill innocent people.
posted by The Whelk at 3:06 PM on April 14, 2009


Um, noting that these are supposed to be uncomfortable misreadings, not just simplistic misrenderings, Jabberjaw has a point, and the attempted zings on him reinforce it. How is "Scooby Doo is apparently a shark now" uncomfortable?

SCOOBIE DOO: Junkie and dog run from hallucinations, harass businessmen.
posted by klangklangston at 3:07 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


"Scooby Doo is apparently a shark now" uncomfortable?

Because the user in question apparently felt the need to take their username from a lame Scooby Doo ripoff. Anyway, this dumb serious discussion is ruining a delightfully silly thread.

Everyone, please continue.
posted by Afroblanco at 3:10 PM on April 14, 2009


ON THE WATERFRONT: Corruption uprooted by pigeon enthusiast.
posted by exogenous at 3:11 PM on April 14, 2009


Metafilter: Average citizens fib about doing their jobs to impress strangers doing the same. Meanwhile, world economy collapses.
posted by pokermonk at 3:12 PM on April 14, 2009 [7 favorites]


RASHOMON: Something happens. Nobody can agree on what.

PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN: A young girl and her eunuch bodyguard are unwittingly drawn into a feud between two criminals.

SPIDER-MAN: A man repeatedly fails to kill his son's best friend.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: An adventurer is repeatedly thwarted by Nazis.
posted by Ndwright at 3:13 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


FREE WILLY: Young runaway steals orca.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: A young woman is imprisoned with her captor until Stockholm syndrome occurs.

GLADIATOR: A newly crowned Roman emperor's obsession with the arena leads to his death.
posted by Orange Pamplemousse at 3:16 PM on April 14, 2009


CITIZEN KANE: Deranged sociopath annoyed at losing sled
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 3:21 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


GLADIATOR: Murderer kills Roman emperor in front of audience.
posted by quin at 3:21 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


THE ENGLISH PATIENT: Entitled nobleman seduces married woman and leaves her to die in the desert.
posted by Devils Slide at 3:23 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


Pulp Fiction: Boxer and hitman battle over lost treasure.
posted by No Robots at 3:26 PM on April 14, 2009


TOOTSIE: A famous transvestite destroys the lives of all around her.
FEARLESS: Man survives plane crash and is resultantly depressed.
posted by Skot at 3:28 PM on April 14, 2009


PULP FICTION: Two very different men deal with the trauma of having objects in their rectum
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 3:28 PM on April 14, 2009 [9 favorites]


ALIVE: Men bond over dinner.
posted by inigo2 at 3:29 PM on April 14, 2009 [7 favorites]


Cold Comfort Farm: A woman breaks up her rural family's incestuous love affairs.
posted by winna at 3:30 PM on April 14, 2009


Spirited Away: Schizophrenic ten-year-old girl is enslaved and tormented by hallucinations after being abandoned by parents.

Labyrinth: Inexperienced babysitter keeps infant from sleep by turning on David Bowie.

Pan's Labyrinth: Schizophrenic ten-year-old girl is enslaved and tormented by hallucinations after being abandoned by parents.

Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe: Werner Herzog Shits His Oeuvre.
posted by oulipian at 3:32 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


GODZILLA: Giant lizard defines several kinds of awesome
posted by uandt at 3:33 PM on April 14, 2009


CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND: Alien abduction preferable to marriage and children.

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE: Small town existence drives self-sacrificing, ambitious man to commit felony, attempt suicide; is saved by narcissistic hallucinations.

LOLITA: Lonely widow woos handsome lodger to provide suitable stepfather for daughter.
posted by Doktor Zed at 3:34 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


So far my takeaway from this thread is that this type of summary is harder than it looks at first glance. Keep tryin' folks.
posted by GuyZero at 3:35 PM on April 14, 2009


actually Oulipian, I think it's more like this

LABYRINTH: Fantasy creatures torment spoiled girl into giving up what she loves.
posted by The Whelk at 3:35 PM on April 14, 2009


ERASERHEAD: an unplanned pregnancy results in complications.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:37 PM on April 14, 2009 [22 favorites]


SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE: Man discovers the solution to abject global poverty: random chance
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 3:38 PM on April 14, 2009 [11 favorites]


RESERVOIR DOGS: Severed ear, gasoline, and Bob Dylan.
posted by clearly at 3:39 PM on April 14, 2009


SUPERMAN: an unplanned adoption results in complications.
posted by uandt at 3:40 PM on April 14, 2009


HIGH ANXIETY: Mel Brooks stops being funny.
posted by shmegegge at 3:40 PM on April 14, 2009


HAMLET: Deranged coward harasses and kills the last surviving members of his family, gives away country to lifelong enemy.
posted by Krrrlson at 3:40 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Crash (David Cronenberg): Shared enthusiasm for an obscure hobby leads to romance
posted by Joe Beese at 3:42 PM on April 14, 2009 [10 favorites]


HAMLET: The Queen's new marriage is threatened by her mentally unstable son.
posted by The Whelk at 3:42 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


Legend - Tim Curry gets extra horny for Mia Sara. Tom Cruise cavorts in the snow.
posted by nomisxid at 3:43 PM on April 14, 2009


BATMAN RETURNS: Millionaire murders a disadvantaged, orphaned cripple.
posted by Krrrlson at 3:43 PM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]


ROMEO AND JULIET: Kids can't stay off lawn; Dies
posted by uandt at 3:44 PM on April 14, 2009


NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD: Cops kill black man
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 3:45 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


BATMAN RETURNS (v2): Sexually frustrated furries battle for control of city.
posted by Krrrlson at 3:45 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


24: Torture works
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 3:48 PM on April 14, 2009


Rocky didn't win that first fight.

Clint Eastwood didn't hang Eli Wallach.
posted by Zambrano at 3:49 PM on April 14, 2009


They Shoot Horses, Don't They?: Producer overcomes obstacles to present entertaining show.
posted by Joe Beese at 3:50 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


WITNESS: Loser cop fails nailing amish hottie
posted by uandt at 3:50 PM on April 14, 2009


THE WEST WING: Deranged liberal reacts to the Bush v Gore verdict with vivid hallucinations
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 3:51 PM on April 14, 2009 [12 favorites]


JABBERJAW: Closeted gay musician confronts racist society.
posted by jabberjaw at 3:52 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


TOP GUN: Closeted homosexual starts WW3 to gain love/respect from coworker
posted by uandt at 3:53 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


12 ANGRY MEN: Bleeding-heart liberal bullies jury into acquitting likely murderer.
posted by Krrrlson at 3:54 PM on April 14, 2009


GRAVE OF THE FIREFLIES: Unsupervised minors go on petty crime spree, fad diet.
posted by FelliniBlank at 3:54 PM on April 14, 2009 [7 favorites]


No Country for Old Men: Christ, what an asshole.
posted by Danf at 3:56 PM on April 14, 2009


FOXFIRE: Homeless lesbian recruits teenagers for vandalism, tattoos.
posted by box at 3:58 PM on April 14, 2009


1984: Lonely man learns to love
posted by Joe Beese at 3:58 PM on April 14, 2009 [13 favorites]


THE BIRTH OF A NATION: A valiant knight triumphs over the forces of darkness
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 4:00 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


The Breakfast Club: Four teens convince a nerd into writing an essay for them.
posted by dinty_moore at 4:04 PM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]


Okay, so it appears that "an unplanned pregnancy results in complications" can be ironically applied to 27% of all the movies ever made (and 37% of the sci-fi). I never knew.

If I may join the fun (because I STARTED IT):

SUPERMAN: Newspaper writer moonlights. (a more common practice lately)

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: Battle with difficult machines ends when people reject technology (with some exceptions 'grandfathered' in)

I LOVE LUCY: Immigrant marries unstable woman to stay in country.

GILLIGAN'S ISLAND: Not all 'Desert Island Scenarios' involve sex.

MY MOTHER THE CAR: Unstable man influenced by voice on car radio.

12 ANGRY MEN: "Jury of your peers" is an unachievable standard.

THE BIRDS: Small town doomed by bad relationship with ecology.

THE MATRIX: Underachiever becomes incredibly powerful in a different culture.
posted by wendell at 4:04 PM on April 14, 2009


Pocahontas: Explorer, pedophile commits genocide, is hailed as hero.
Fargo: Lumberjack lookalike finds new use for wood chipper.
Forrest Gump: Politeness, hard work, blind obedience to authority keys to success for developmentally delayed.
Natural Born Killers: Love triumphs over all.
The Children's Hour: Lesbian removed from proximity to impressionable children.
Gaslight: Woman nags husband about utilities, home repair.
Nell: Stalker traumatizes, abducts shy homebound woman.
posted by notashroom at 4:05 PM on April 14, 2009


AMELIE: Delusional sociopaths defy Darwin.
posted by Krrrlson at 4:08 PM on April 14, 2009


THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY: Two-timing womanizer gets his comeuppance.
posted by jabberjaw at 4:08 PM on April 14, 2009


MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON: Boy-loving hick given free access to Congressional pages.
posted by FelliniBlank at 4:10 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


24: A tight deadline and lax supervision can fix most problems.

HOUSE: Doctors should not be punished for misdiagnosis (the first three times)

LOST: Nothing makes sense.

HEROES: With great power comes ridiculous problems.

LIFE ON MARS (UK): For man ahead of his time, suicide is a good option.

LIFE ON MARS (US): For man ahead of his time, it's just a software problem.
posted by wendell at 4:10 PM on April 14, 2009


Christiane F. - Teenager girl lives out her dream of attending a David Bowie concert
posted by Joe Beese at 4:13 PM on April 14, 2009


DEATH PROOF: Accident-prone teetotaller is ruthlessly hunted down and butchered by a bunch of stoned, loud-mouthed women
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:14 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


A CLOCKWORK ORANGE - Murderous teen awarded Government Scholarship.
posted by Mintyblonde at 4:20 PM on April 14, 2009


THE VANISHING: Man tries to share girlfriend's experiences and is smothered.
posted by kirkaracha at 4:21 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


LOST HORIZON: Man believes subjugating native population brings about paradise.
THE FALL: Druggie enlists girl as accomplice.
BLAZING SADDLES: Black man ruins plans for economic development.
YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN: Man resorts to reanimating the dead to be rid of hellish fiancee.
posted by LionIndex at 4:25 PM on April 14, 2009


THE MATRIX: Backflipping goths massacre minimum-wage security guards
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:28 PM on April 14, 2009 [13 favorites]


APOCALYPSE NOW: Lyndon B Johnson is the King of Belgium
posted by geos at 4:31 PM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]


Arlington Road: Loving couple find way to deal with nosy neighbor
posted by Joe Beese at 4:31 PM on April 14, 2009


MONSTERS INC.: Power station technicians gain possession of a biological toxin.
HARVEY: Outcast's raging alcoholism is justified.
posted by painquale at 4:33 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


EYES WIDE SHUT: Wife reveals to her husband her desire for other men, he gets upset, she consoles him with promises of regular fucking.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 4:35 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


UNFORGIVEN: Murderer takes short break from murdering, refreshing self for further murder
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:35 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Leaving Las Vegas: Woman helps boyfriend realize his ambition
posted by Joe Beese at 4:35 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER: most of you either don't get it, or aren't quite as clever as you think you are

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN: Accents on patronymic umlats, Terri Garr’s rack
posted by Smedleyman at 4:41 PM on April 14, 2009


GREASE: Lawless teens step on everything
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:41 PM on April 14, 2009


THE QUICK AND THE DEAD: An emotionally scarred woman who shot her own father sleeps with a teenage boy, convinces a peaceful preacher to kill people, and destroys most of a small town with gunpowder.
posted by brundlefly at 4:43 PM on April 14, 2009


THE PRODUCERS : Corrupt moneymen create institution that's "too big to fail." It fails.
posted by Afroblanco at 4:46 PM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


ROAD TO PERDITION: Son tries, fails to take up family business.
posted by AzraelBrown at 4:46 PM on April 14, 2009


FARENHEIT 451: Insufferable boor tries to get people to listen to his annoying lectures about how TV rots your brain and how much he reads, only to find out people would much rather talk about what they watched last night.
posted by AzraelBrown at 4:51 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


King Lear: Two sisters work together to cope with their father's dementia
posted by Joe Beese at 4:53 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


SHE DOESN'T CONVINCE CORT TO KILL! NOOOOOOOOO YER WRONGGGG

/shockingly enormous fangirl of TQATD ps. Spotted Horse cannot be killed by a bullet.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 4:54 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


THE LION KING : Animated jungle creatures re-enact Hamlet.
THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW : Transvestite Jesus gives his life so that square Americans can discover their sexuality.
posted by Afroblanco at 4:57 PM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]


MULHOLLAND DR.: Man in late middle-age directs failed television pilot, adds graphic lesbian sex scene, releases the result as a feature film and is nominated for an Oscar

DEAD RINGERS: Lonely boys grow up to find love, women with mutant vaginas, drugs, cake, no ice cream, death

HELLBOY: Terrifying monster frightens away a young woman's paramour, preys on her insecurities, seduces her

JAWS: Hounded animal is shot, stabbed and finally gruesomely murdered

GHOST WORLD: Obnoxious young woman, bored, destroys man's life, gets on a bus

AUDITION: Jealous child ruins lonely woman's one great chance at love

BAD LIEUTENANT: Drug-addicted policeman has religious experience, fails to arrest rapists
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:04 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Mary Poppins: Investment banker makes a poor hiring choice.
posted by Chrischris at 5:05 PM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


IRREVERSIBLE: French dude has sex with smoking hot chick but takes ages to finish because he's a gay
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:09 PM on April 14, 2009


JAWS: Hounded animal is shot, stabbed and finally gruesomely murdered

Reading that reminded me of a "Movies In Reverse" plot summary I read for Jaws on 4chan:

"Enormous shark throws up so many people that they need to open a beach."
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:12 PM on April 14, 2009 [8 favorites]


V for Vendetta: Terrorist brainwashes innocent women, attempts to destroy London.
West Side Story: Criminal delinquents sing, dance, murder each other.
posted by Chrischris at 5:15 PM on April 14, 2009


EYES WIDE SHUT: Whoremonger stumbles upon sex magic ritual, nothing happens.

THE STAR WARS SAGA: Two unplanned pregnancies result in complications.
posted by vibrotronica at 5:16 PM on April 14, 2009


CLOVERFIELD: Self-absorbed yuppies have a hard time finding their way to Midtown Manhattan, end up in Central Park.

I prefer CLOVERFIELD: Self-absorbed yuppie's refusal to evacuate disaster area leads to death of friends, self.
posted by Ritchie at 5:20 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Sound of Music: Draft-dodger seduces his nanny, flees authorities, sings off key.
posted by Chrischris at 5:26 PM on April 14, 2009 [7 favorites]


Lost, Season 1: White westerners have mental breakdowns while an Iraqi does their dirty work.

Lost, Season 2: Local residents torment survivors of a disaster while preventing them from returning to their homes. This drives a black man to kill a doctor and a cop.

Lost, Season 3: A man travels through time in order to discover there is no such thing as free will.

Lost, Season 4: Scientists and mercenaries arrive on an island with an ultimatum for its inhabitants: give us your leader, or we kill everyone.

Lost, Season 5: It is revealed that the resurrection of Jesus Christ wasn't all that special. Happy Easter, fuckers.
posted by pokermonk at 5:27 PM on April 14, 2009


DR. ZHIVAGO: Blissfully ignorant young woman informed that she's the bastard offspring of adulterers.
or
Unplanned pregnancy results in complications.

BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI: Malcontent destroys public works project.

RYAN'S DAUGHTER: Schoolteacher betrayed by nymphomaniac and foreign invader.
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:31 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


BAMBI: unwed mother gunned down by stranger, leavng son to be raised by absentee father
posted by TedW at 5:36 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


ANIMAL FARM: The pursuit of liberty and equality leads inevitably to brutal dictatorship
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 5:46 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Deliverance: Pals on vacation have wacky misadventure.
Poltergeist: Family regrets real estate investment.
Blair Witch Project: Teen disregards advice to carry handkerchief, finds self in peril
Steel Magnolias: Unplanned pregnancy results in complications
Carrie: Girl is burning sensation at high school prom
Ma Vie en Rose: Transvestite child threatens family harmony, alarms village
Porky's: Teens plan terrorist attack on local business
Helter Skelter: Unsupervised young people gather, hijinks ensue
Brokedown Palace: Vacationing girl learns Thai culture, value of loyalty
Real Women Have Curves: Rebellious teen causes heartache for menopausal mother
posted by notashroom at 5:47 PM on April 14, 2009


BAD LIEUTENANT: Teens demonstrate the meaning of color coded jelly bracelets to a police official

ZOOLANDER: Male model masterminds intricate scheme to defeat international crime cartel, open learning academy.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: Unplanned adoption results in complications, commandments.
posted by Smedleyman at 5:49 PM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


RAIN MAN: Man exploits autistic sibling.

SOYLENT GREEN: Disgruntled cop tries to disrupt food supplies, fails.

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: Robots solve humanity's problems.

MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO: Mother's illness causes girl to enter fugue state, endanger sister.

RED DAWN: Survivalist is right.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:51 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


DR. ZHIVAGO: 197 minutes establish world’s most expensive cocaine reference
posted by Smedleyman at 5:52 PM on April 14, 2009


GHOST DOG: Hitman dies, becomes role model.

BOONDOCK SAINTS: Serial killers aided by FBI agent.

REPO MAN: Man without drivers license steals flying car.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 5:54 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY: Dave's not here, man
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 5:55 PM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]


CAPOTE: Two misfits meet, find love

And

THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY: Two-timing womanizer gets his comeuppance.

Bwa haha!
posted by jokeefe at 5:58 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


THE CHANGELING: Bitter woman shuns orphan, receives mental health treatment.

FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL: American sociopath seduces hapless Brit.

MILLION DOLLAR BABY: Boxer murders lonely woman.
posted by wholebroad at 6:00 PM on April 14, 2009


THE SHINING: A door repairman has his work cut out for him.
posted by Krrrlson at 6:13 PM on April 14, 2009


MEDEA: woman wins custody battle.
OEDIPUS: Abandoned child briefly reunited with family.
posted by sarcasman at 6:20 PM on April 14, 2009 [9 favorites]


MOMMIE DEAREST: Spoiled daughter thwarts, disrespects hard-working single mother.

AUNTIE MAME: Gin-crazed deviant kills husband, kidnaps grandchild, pimps out secretary, employs five full-time interior decorators.

METROPOLIS: Evil twin of robot destroys city in attempt to perform revolutionary head/hand/heart surgery.
posted by sixswitch at 6:20 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


FelliniBlank: "DR. ZHIVAGO... BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI... RYAN'S DAUGHTER... ."

you leave me no choice...

Lawrence of Arabia: Misfit learns the true meaning of being a soldier
posted by Joe Beese at 6:21 PM on April 14, 2009


RED DAWN: Teens given real world civic lessons.
posted by sarcasman at 6:22 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


GATTACA: Parents try to destroy son's life, fails to anticipate his incredible luck.
posted by shadytrees at 6:24 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


FARGO: Minnesota man fails to get the principle.
posted by sarcasman at 6:30 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


REAL GENIUS: Irresponsible students destroy national defense project.

Also, popcorn.
posted by Dr-Baa at 6:35 PM on April 14, 2009


DROP DEAD FRED: Mentaly disturbed woman abandons mother and destroys her marrage, affects mental health of those close to her.
posted by The Power Nap at 6:45 PM on April 14, 2009


POM POKO: Tanuki terrorize, plan massacre of inhabitants of new suburb.
posted by subbes at 6:47 PM on April 14, 2009


Lawrence of Arabia: Misfit learns the true meaning of being a soldier

I prefer "War Hero Kills: Rather Likes It, Actually"

DIRTY DOZEN: A group of militarist fanatics and their suicide mission
MASADA: A group of religious fanatics and their suicide mission
ALAMO: A group of nationalist fanatics and their suicide mission
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 6:48 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


TRANSFORMERS: Alien robot heroes transform into Chevy ad that audience pays to see.
posted by EatTheWeak at 6:50 PM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


CLOVERFIELD: Self-absorbed yuppie's refusal to evacuate disaster area leads to death of friends, self.

I AM LEGEND: Gentrification's one holdout. There goes the neighborhood.
posted by jessamyn at 6:56 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


HARD CANDY: Medical student and photographer share drinks, laughs.
posted by patr1ck at 7:06 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


Christine: Fixing up an old car costs more than teen imagines.

Shawshank Redemption: Man discovers escaping from prison is pretty shitty.

Bolt: Lost boy in big city learns his true nature after discovering pussy.
posted by maxwelton at 7:10 PM on April 14, 2009


WHAT'S EATING GILBERT GRAPE: Young man beats up his disabled brother, burns down the family home.
posted by box at 7:10 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


How about CLOVERFIELD: Douchebag bitches about his last night in Manhattan on a shaky camera.
posted by jabberjaw at 7:15 PM on April 14, 2009


The Iliad: Mercenary throws hissy fit, gets lover killed
posted by kosher_jenny at 7:20 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


CHRISTINE : Rebellious youth discovers love, auto repair.
posted by Afroblanco at 7:21 PM on April 14, 2009


THE ILIAD: Gay pouting leads to disfigured corpse.
posted by klangklangston at 7:28 PM on April 14, 2009


Death Sentence: Formerly mild-mannered risk assessor kills young men for their muscle cars, crashes them anyway.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:31 PM on April 14, 2009


Hot Fuzz: Bored small-town cops torment mentally retarded people, blow up pub to deny them access.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:33 PM on April 14, 2009


HEAT: A long romance ends in tragedy.
posted by box at 7:35 PM on April 14, 2009


Shine A Light: Middle-aged gay man teaches interpretive dance to a crowd of awkward 40-somethings with the help of a backing band and a few classic Rolling Stones songs.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:35 PM on April 14, 2009


Here are my versions:

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE: Bombay Dreams now cost two million Indian Rupees.
BLUES BROTHERS 2000: Everything's better with song and dance.
HANCOCK: You need super-human strength to get away from your ex.
LADY IN THE WATER: Even in children's fables, climax scenes happen only after all cameras are in place.
posted by the cydonian at 7:41 PM on April 14, 2009


KARATE KID: A war-traumatised loner passes on the cycle of violence to the next generation
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 7:41 PM on April 14, 2009 [8 favorites]


GIMME SHELTER: Thanks to the help of real-life lawyer Melvin Belli, Mick Jagger gets away with murder.
posted by box at 7:42 PM on April 14, 2009


ANGEL: Mostly-retired sadistic serial killer reminisces about his glory days while trying to avoid their lingering consequences.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT: Middle son attempts to seize control of the family fortune in his father's absence.

The secret to doing these is to provide a mostly-true summary but nuanced to make it sound much, much worse. This is basically how Focus on the Family would present the movies and TV shows it critiqued back when I used to read their mailings.
posted by suetanvil at 7:43 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


THE LAST WALTZ: Rich guys hire Martin Scorsese to film their retirement party.
posted by box at 7:44 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


THE MATRIX: Computer geek quits his job to spend more time playing a superhero in an online game.
posted by roystgnr at 7:48 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


BACK TO THE FUTURE: Eccentric old loner helps his friend's father hook up with a teenaged girl.
posted by roystgnr at 7:54 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


SUPERMAN: Vigilante violates laws of nature to protect his interspecies relationship.
posted by roystgnr at 7:59 PM on April 14, 2009


EASTERN PROMISES: Chauffeur helps facilitate an adoption.
posted by box at 8:04 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


The Unit:
Organized criminals murder people overseas.
posted by not_that_epiphanius at 8:05 PM on April 14, 2009


Superman 2: Lawmaker abandons his responsibilities because love interest doesn't appreciate his career.
posted by Ubiq at 8:19 PM on April 14, 2009


BLUES BROTHERS: White felons perpetrate minstrel show, return to prison.
posted by klangklangston at 8:20 PM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


Shrek: Conservative monster petitions government to evict immigrants.
Neon Genesis Evangelion: Deranged boy drives mother to kill God.
Akira: Self-absorbed delinquent absorbs self, Tokyo.
posted by agent at 8:20 PM on April 14, 2009 [7 favorites]


GODSPELL: For his cryptic aphorisms, a clown is punished with torture and execution.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 8:31 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


THE MATRIX: Emo kid griefs, hax MMOG.
posted by Ritchie at 8:36 PM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]


THERE WILL BE BLOOD: Oilman struggles with his faith.
posted by hojoki at 8:46 PM on April 14, 2009


TAXI DRIVER: Young war veteran is the last to witness an attractive Cybill Shepherd.
posted by hojoki at 8:55 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


EQUILIBRIUM: Man stops taking medication, kills coworkers.
posted by ymgve at 8:57 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


FORREST GUMP: A moron named after a racist enjoys good fortune. This is an allegory for the American Dream.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 8:59 PM on April 14, 2009


GREY GARDENS : Reclusive, disposophobic daughter enables mother to live in squalor and isolation.
posted by Afroblanco at 9:02 PM on April 14, 2009


THE DREAMERS: French misfits reenact scenes from their favorite movies.
posted by The Whelk at 9:06 PM on April 14, 2009


CLERKS : Nothing is funnier than dick jokes.
MALL RATS : Nothing is funnier than dick jokes.
CHASING AMY : Heh heh. Heh heh. Lesbians are hot.
JAY AND SILENT BOB STRICK BACK : Nothing is funnier than dick jokes.
DOGMA : Nothing is funnier than Catholics.
posted by Afroblanco at 9:07 PM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]


A CHORUS LINE: Sadistic director forces starving dancers to confess their secrets.
posted by The Whelk at 9:07 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


I can't believe they passed up any of the Star Trek movies.

STAR TREK II: Officer cheats on test, gets best friend killed.

STAR TREK V: Officer finds God, won't give him a lift.

STAR TREK GENERATIONS: Officer gets self killed, twice.

STAR TREK FIRST CONTACT: Selfish behavior excused by Herman Melville. Again.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:08 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


SPACE CAMP : Juvenile delinquents steal space ship and use it to cause millions of dollars worth of damage.
posted by Afroblanco at 9:11 PM on April 14, 2009


SUPERMAN RETURNS: Unstoppable Alien stops U.S Economic progress.
posted by The Whelk at 9:13 PM on April 14, 2009


WALL STREET : Idealistic young stockbrocker sacrifices himself to expose corruption in the financial sector and save his father's company.
posted by Afroblanco at 9:17 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


THE BIRDS: A wealthy women becomes the center of attention in a small coastal town.
posted by The Whelk at 9:17 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


EQUILIBRIUM: Father destroys society to gain son's respect.

TRUE ROMANCE: Hooker improves loser's self esteem.

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS: Grandma reminicses on old boyfriend.
posted by porpoise at 9:37 PM on April 14, 2009


STARSHIP TROOPERS: A city is secretly destroyed by veterans in order to justify sending thousands of children into space to battle insects.
posted by Down10 at 9:46 PM on April 14, 2009


GODZILLA VS KING KONG: Invasive species disrupt Japan countryside, government measures ineffective.
posted by anti social order at 9:47 PM on April 14, 2009


WAR OF THE WORLDS: Using total annihilation by space aliens as a distraction, dockworker murders frightened man.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:48 PM on April 14, 2009


THE LAWNMOWER MAN: Retarded man cuts grass, becomes an evil cybernetic overlord.
posted by Down10 at 9:49 PM on April 14, 2009


FALLING DOWN: Unemployed man has trouble getting breakfast, goes shopping, meets family at beach.
posted by anti social order at 9:51 PM on April 14, 2009 [7 favorites]


CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND: Foolish humans wrangled by musical notes.
posted by Down10 at 9:53 PM on April 14, 2009


THE LAWNMOWER MAN : Low-quality CGI barely distracts you from the fact that THIS MOVIE DOESN'T HAVE A GODDAMN THING TO DO WITH THE SHORT STORY THAT IT'S ALLEGEDLY BASED ON.
posted by Afroblanco at 9:58 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU: Toxic-waste-dumping, rich western vigilantes violate international maritime law to once again trample the rights of poor men forced into piracy by global economic inequality. AIG executive and international playboy are bailed out.
posted by The World Famous at 10:09 PM on April 14, 2009


GREMLINS: Demons can be purchased at any Asian market.

AIR BUD: Basketball rule book omits an outlandish scenario.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET: Johnny Depp has a powerful nocturnal emission.
posted by Down10 at 10:13 PM on April 14, 2009


It's hard to do these properly when almost all of the movies in my collection are subversive to begin with, but I've just gotten home from a GIlbert & Sullivan rehearsal, so:

THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE: Marauding noblemen terrorize an aging veteran until he gives them his beloved daughters.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:16 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


CONTROL: Ian Curtis dies, friends and family profit.
posted by threeze at 10:18 PM on April 14, 2009


desjardins

I likewise wondered about that Cloak And Dagger description. I just realized, though, that he's thinking of the comic book characters.
posted by Clay201 at 10:21 PM on April 14, 2009


A CLOCKWORK ORANGE: A teenager undergoes treatment for his addiction to milk.
posted by Down10 at 10:24 PM on April 14, 2009


MY COUSIN VINNY: Inexperienced attorney risks relatives life and freedom to jumpstart his own career.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:26 PM on April 14, 2009


THE BIG CHILL: Friend's suicide provides excuse for spousally-sanctioned infidelity.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:27 PM on April 14, 2009


MILK: Straight shooter prevails over backstabbing politician.

(May God have mercy on my soul.)
posted by DaDaDaDave at 10:30 PM on April 14, 2009 [7 favorites]


COMMANDO: A busy father skips his flight and proceeds to cancel dozens of meetings with his peers in hopes of picking up his daughter on time.
posted by maxwelton at 10:32 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


TRUE LIES: Distant, untruthful husband tricks wife into performing unwilling striptease.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:38 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


MEAN GIRLS: Teenage girl disobeys parents, destroys royal tradition.

RENT: New York creative types willfully impede attempts to improve a bad neighborhood.

PI: Mathematician discovers cure for migranes.

SECRETARY: Quirky but motivated administrative assistant falls in love, has accident.
posted by mindless progress at 10:40 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


THE CRYING GAME: Lovable terrorist gets what he wants- and then some.
posted by hamida2242 at 10:47 PM on April 14, 2009


SAY ANYTHING: Kickboxer deflowers and absconds with felon's daughter.
posted by painquale at 10:52 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


THE WIZARD: A two hour video game commercial is so good... it's bad.
posted by hamida2242 at 10:57 PM on April 14, 2009


MILLER'S CROSSING: Thug broods, gets beat up, loses hat.
posted by CunningLinguist at 11:01 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Pi: Obsessive recluse kills mentor, cheats orthodox Jews out of long-sought-after secret.
Angel Heart: Alektorophobic Private Investigator rapes teenager, dies.
Hard Candy: New couple have first fight.
1984: A dangerous terrorist is captured, rehabilitated.
A.I.: Wealthy unstable mother abandons comatose son for expensive doll, abandons doll when son revives.
High Plains Drifter: Vengeance-driven madman vandalizes, burns town.
Pleasantville: TV-junkie sex perverts ruin lives of peaceful townsfolk.
The Passion of the Christ: Megalomaniac is tortured to death, rest of world won't shut up about it for millennia.
Sleeping Beauty: Rich white man feels up comatose underage girl, kills the woman who swore to protect her.
The Clearing: Wealthy industrialist lacks sympathy for people with less money than himself.
Pitch Black: Serial killer exploits his affinity for bats to lure androgynous teenager into small aircraft.
Cold Mountain: Deserter kills militia men, impregnates virgin.
Unbreakable: Two men in their 40's become friends, discover irreconcilable differences.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 11:08 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


I HEART HUCKABEES: Los Angeles environmentalist linked to arson, violence, and mental illness.
GROSSE POINTE BLANK: Hired killer invades quiet town to indulge in murder and narcissism.
SAVAGE GRACE: unplanned pregnancy leads to complications
CUBE: Numbers whiz allows innocent people to die gruesome deaths.
FINAL DESTINATION: Teens defy higher power and are struck down.
HAROLD AND MAUDE: Older woman takes advantage of a suicidal young man.
RUN LOLA RUN: Chronically late woman gets her boyfriend killed.
STIR OF ECHOES: Unstable father ignores his family for a teenage girl.
posted by mindless progress at 11:16 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


ROAD WARRIOR: Dog food eating ex-police officer steals truck, torments fetish cyclists.
posted by Smedleyman at 11:24 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Just a couple I thought of looking at my (sad and small and bad for this exercise) DVD collection:

Time Bandits: Microwaved treat kills parents of mentally unstable child.

I feel really bad that this one just popped into my head, because it's awful.

Northern Exposure: Ungrateful Jew attempts to scam state out of hundreds of thousands of dollars in goods and services.
posted by malthas at 11:26 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


APOCALYPSE NOW: Grocery clerks sending errand boy to collect a bill leads to complications.
posted by Smedleyman at 11:33 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


DR. HORRIBLE'S SING ALONG BLOG: Unappreciated internet dork makes a difference.
posted by mindless progress at 11:39 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY -- Man takes a long trip.
posted by daver at 11:44 PM on April 14, 2009


WIZARD OF OZ: Farm girl dreams in color but wakes up in Kansas.
posted by swift at 11:45 PM on April 14, 2009


And for those wondering how to make it even more uncomfortable:

DANCER IN THE DARK: Woman daydreams on company time.
posted by Navelgazer at 12:20 AM on April 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


FIGHT CLUB: Schizophrenic shoots self after support groups fail to help him.
posted by Navelgazer at 12:28 AM on April 15, 2009 [4 favorites]


WIZARD OF OZ: sepia, color conflict, sepia wins.
posted by telstar at 12:32 AM on April 15, 2009


This seems to work for any presentation.

HAMLET: brooding orphan decides not to kill himself.
posted by telstar at 12:40 AM on April 15, 2009


ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW: wedding attendees get lost, crash party.
posted by telstar at 12:48 AM on April 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


SLINGBLADE: Sadistic son manipulates mentally unstable man into killing own father.

12 MONKEYS: Work-release volunteer turned vigilante fights ecoterrorists.
posted by saysthis at 1:22 AM on April 15, 2009


THE SHINING: Failed writer attempts to murder own family.
posted by mary8nne at 3:29 AM on April 15, 2009


THE SHINING: Failed writer kills black guy
posted by mary8nne at 3:29 AM on April 15, 2009


Yikes. A lot of folks here have the lyrics open in a different tab but appear to have never heard the song.

These aren't just single-sentence summaries. These aren't supposed to be quick commentaries (a la Movie-a-Minute). These are supposed to be single-sentence summaries of movies, but phrased in such a manner that only makes sense if you've seen it and, even then, is unlikely to have been what you got out of it when you saw it.

MERE SUMMARY: BOONDOCK SAINTS: Serial killers aided by FBI agent.

MERE COMMENTARY: HIGH ANXIETY: Mel Brooks stops being funny.

HOW THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK: BOONDOCK SAINTS: Employees angry to find selves outsourced.

Now I feel awful for having gone to such efforts to explain a joke. Nothing kills humor quite as fast, except maybe the same joke being used over and over ("an unplanned…").
posted by DoctorFedora at 3:52 AM on April 15, 2009 [6 favorites]


DoctorFedora: You should see what these people think qualifies as limericks. Their haiku are even worse.
posted by dirty lies at 4:27 AM on April 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA: An emaciated white woman betrays her mentor and dumps her boyfriend, travels to Paris to throw a Blackberry into a fountain.
posted by clockzero at 4:33 AM on April 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


SNOW WHITE: Seven infantile midgets exploit a narcoleptic beauty.
posted by daniel_charms at 6:31 AM on April 15, 2009


YOUTUBE : Americans apparently more skilled at making videos than forming complete sentences.
posted by Afroblanco at 6:58 AM on April 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE: Old lady destroys a wizard's house, ruins his livelyhood.

JAMES BOND: Genius scientist's groundbreaking experiment ruined by foreign spy. (alternative: plan for world peace ruined by foreign spy)

WAR AND PEACE: Fat Russian nobleman squanders his fortune on utopian projects.
posted by daniel_charms at 7:05 AM on April 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


MULHOLLAND DR.: Failed actress hallucinates, commits suicide
CANDIDE: Naive youth takes road trip, becomes disillusioned, takes up gardening
CASABLANCA: Bar owner kills high ranking official, provides material support to terrorists
RAINMAN: Narcissist kidnaps mentally handicapped man, exploits him in gambling scheme, seeks custody
LORD OF THE FLIES: Children left to own devices, anarchy ensues
posted by effwerd at 7:31 AM on April 15, 2009


PRETTY WOMAN : Prostitute hired.

Make that: Prostitute hired, retained.

ROCKY: Black man beats white man, but just barely. And for how long?
posted by Eideteker at 7:45 AM on April 15, 2009


THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE: Four children cause global warming.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:58 AM on April 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


GLENGARY GLENROSS - Over zealous sales management technique leads to declining revenues.
posted by Keith Talent at 8:05 AM on April 15, 2009


This kind of thing has already been done by lots of movie haiku sites.

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY

Old Billy Crystal
Looks mysteriously like
Young Billy Crystal

AMERICAN HISTORY X

White supremacist
Hears black guy tell joke in jail
And changes his ways
posted by Beardman at 8:07 AM on April 15, 2009


These aren't just single-sentence summaries. These aren't supposed to be quick commentaries (a la Movie-a-Minute).

In fairness, though, a good fraction of the summaries in the original linked blog post are just single-sentence summaries or quick commentaries, even if that wasn't the intent.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:08 AM on April 15, 2009


GLENGARRY GLENROSS : Failing business reduces office expenses by limiting coffee consumption.
posted by Afroblanco at 8:21 AM on April 15, 2009


A League if their Own: Women steal jobs from men at war, cry about it.
There Will Be Blood: Man abuses adoption system and steals milkshakes from country people.
Little Miss Sunshine: Coached by her drug-addicted grandfather a young girl performs a strip-tease on stage.
posted by Alison at 9:17 AM on April 15, 2009


BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S: Young couple commit a petty theft.

ARMAGEDDON: In the face of a threat to the planet, NASA demonstrates its incompetence, while all other space agencies fail to react at all.

DAS BOOT: Submarine crew commits treachery.

AMADEUS: Celebrity musician spends his days drinking, fails to fulfil a contract.
posted by daniel_charms at 9:25 AM on April 15, 2009


ONCE: Irish hipster fails to seduce married teenage immigrant.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:32 AM on April 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


AMÉLIE: Delusional woman seeks happiness by manipulating the lives of others.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:39 AM on April 15, 2009


A.I.: Wealthy family discards a high-tech gadget.
posted by jabberjaw at 9:39 AM on April 15, 2009


I'm going to revise my previous entry a bit:

THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE: Humans enter the world, global warming follows.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:55 AM on April 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


WIZARD OF OZ: What happens over the rainbow, stays over the rainbow.
posted by Danf at 10:20 AM on April 15, 2009


RUN LOLA RUN: Chronically late woman gets her boyfriend killed.

RUN LOLA RUN: Proof-of-payment fare scheme beneficial to homeless.
posted by oaf at 10:31 AM on April 15, 2009


It certainly helps to imagine the plot as viewed from the point of view of the antagonist, or a disinterested third party. Especially a deranged disinterested third party.

I like the euphemistic treatments of arguably awful events, turning them into nice-sounding things. Someone included in their "Requiem for a Dream" summary that the girl manages to "make ends meet." If I'd been drinking, there would have been a spit take.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:24 PM on April 15, 2009


Oh, and:

Mary Poppins: Witch's attempts to disrupt cycle of abuse through escapism end in tears.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:36 PM on April 15, 2009


Lost Highway: I really have no idea
posted by criticalbill at 3:42 PM on April 15, 2009


The Passion of the Christ: Unemployed carpenter ironically dies in bizarre carpentry incident.
posted by Grangousier at 4:14 PM on April 15, 2009 [9 favorites]


THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE: Children steal coats from an elderly man.
posted by brundlefly at 5:17 PM on April 15, 2009


GREMLINS: Unsafe product sold in Chinese store.

AMERICAN HISTORY X: Rightwing militant changed by homosexual encounter.
posted by dgaicun at 7:20 PM on April 15, 2009


WINGED MIGRATION - Hunter shoots bird.
posted by box at 7:38 PM on April 15, 2009


BIRTH: A lonely woman lusts after a little boy with a secret identity.

BIG: A lonely woman lusts after a little boy with a secret identity.

THE PASSION OF CHRIST: Illegitimate child grows up on wrong side of the law.

INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE: Slave owner becomes sympathetic figure after turning to mass-murder and cannibalism.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN: Two aging fathers escape the obligations of domestic life in the Great Outdoors.

GATTACA: A man overcomes his physical and mental limitations by lying about his job qualifications.
posted by dgaicun at 9:56 PM on April 15, 2009


GATTACA: Identity theft pays off.

BIG: Identity falsification pays off.

THE SPANISH PRISONER: Secretary fails spectacularly in attempt to seduce boss.

STAR WARS EPISODE IV: Farm boy uses skills learned on the farm to put torpedo in exhaust hole.
posted by The World Famous at 10:08 PM on April 15, 2009


PROBLEM CHILD : Passive, weak-willed man abducts genius child from vivacious adoptive mother.
posted by Afroblanco at 9:53 AM on April 16, 2009


THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE: Runaways start a gang, leading to violent death.
posted by jabberjaw at 11:37 AM on April 16, 2009 [1 favorite]


TERMINATOR II: Brutal stepfather insists boy go to war, nuclear holocaust follows.
posted by springload at 2:59 PM on April 16, 2009


Lost Highway: I really have no idea

LOST HIGHWAY: Man's midlife crisis leads to makeover, road trip.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:45 PM on April 16, 2009


A little late to the party, but...

HOUSE, MD: Drug-addled doctor and his oversexed team flout hospital regulations and experiment with the lives of critically ill patients.

DEXTER: Small children routinely left in the care of a serial killer.
posted by rebel_rebel at 6:01 PM on April 16, 2009


***Anthology!***


AMERICAN HISTORY X: A young reactionary learns tolerance after a homosexual experience.

BEETLEJUICE: A young married couple suffer violence after a home invasion.

BEING JOHN MALKOVICH: Urban failures exploit space/time anomaly to repeatedly rape a celebrity.

BIG: A bored woman fucks a fun little boy with a false identity.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN: Two aging fathers escape the obligations of family life in the open country.

THE CROW: Ineffectual police force leave armed hoodlums to try and stop rampaging zombie.

GATTACA: A man overcomes his disabilities by lying about his job qualifications.

GREMLINS: Small town Americans are endangered by unsafe Chinese merchandise.

INNERSPACE: Two macho pilots invade the body of a slight, anxious man.

INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE: Slave owner becomes sympathetic figure after turning to cannibalism.

THE PASSION OF CHRIST: Illegitimate child grows up on wrong side of the law.

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS: Man endangers young son in get rich quick scheme.

THE TERMINAL: Homeless foreigner unsuccessfully propositions a beautiful woman.
posted by dgaicun at 4:11 AM on April 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


PATTON: Penis shaped blot on giant American flag incites mass murder of thousands of employees of the German government.
posted by Smedleyman at 6:48 AM on April 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


THE PRESTIGE: Professional dispute arises between two men who kill small birds for others' entertainment.
posted by Ritchie at 7:54 PM on April 21, 2009


Eraserhead: Man leads lonely life in the city. -or- An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
posted by owtytrof at 8:42 AM on April 22, 2009


Eraserhead: Single parent loses head over glamorous neighbour.
posted by Grangousier at 4:29 PM on April 23, 2009


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