Job Rejection Letters by Jack Handey:

June 6, 2001 3:20 PM

Job Rejection Letters by Jack Handey: In this week's New Yorker there was a great humor piece that will be sure to strike a chord with those trying to find a job in the technology field right now.
posted by matthew (19 comments total)

These are great.

Who is this Jack Handey guy, anyhow? Is there really someone named "Jack Handey", or are there a couple of comedians who write stuff under that name? (I s'pose I could probably find out in a few moments by doing a Google search, but somehow it seems easier to post the question here rather than actually doing the research.)
posted by Shadowkeeper at 5:23 PM on June 6, 2001

Jack Handey was a writer for Saturday Night Live, I believe. IMDB link.
posted by zempf at 5:42 PM on June 6, 2001

Hey isn't this the Jack Handey who did "Deep Thoughts" on SNL? That was funny.
posted by brownpau at 5:44 PM on June 6, 2001

Yes, this is the same author as Jack Handey from SNL, not sure if that's his real name though. He's written a few pieces for The New Yorker before, but since they don't do archives on their site; you'll have to go back and check your actual pulp copies (gasp!) of the magazine for them.
posted by matthew at 6:28 PM on June 6, 2001

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy
I was wondering what happened to this guy, glad he's still around...
posted by BGM at 6:29 PM on June 6, 2001

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Aaahhh, I love those Deep Thoughts. They were the only thing I really looked forward to on SNL.
posted by brownpau at 6:52 PM on June 6, 2001

Pah, he's lucky ;-) Most of the companies us schmoes apply to never have the decency to write back.. even with only something rude to say.
posted by wackybrit at 7:31 PM on June 6, 2001

Pah, he's lucky ;-) Most of the companies us schmoes apply to never have the decency to write back.. even with only something rude to say.

Good call. This, alone, is the reason I dread looking for new employment. Why advertise a position if you're not gonna take proactive steps towards filling it? Assholes. (sorry).
posted by Hankins at 10:08 PM on June 6, 2001

My fave Deep Thought:

"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget about them - because, man, they're gone".
posted by crunchburger at 6:43 AM on June 7, 2001

I'm pretty sure Jack Handey is a real person - his name ran in the SNL credits, anyway.

My favorite Deep Thought was always: "If you ever find yourself falling off the Empire State Building, just go limp, like a dummy, and maybe somebody will catch you because, hey, free dummy!"
posted by starvingartist at 7:05 AM on June 7, 2001

I never knew he was real. Cool.

"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone."
posted by gramcracker at 7:08 AM on June 7, 2001

"If a child asks you where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, probably because of something you did."
posted by kindall at 7:49 AM on June 7, 2001

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."

Wow, I'm so pleased he's a real guy.

That "Free dummy" one is sublime.
posted by Shadowkeeper at 9:20 AM on June 7, 2001

'Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.'
posted by Skot at 9:25 AM on June 7, 2001

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

There's a whole list of these things here

Jack Handy is humour in the jugular vein.
posted by haqspan at 9:59 AM on June 7, 2001

I am always interested in seeing what someone's favorite deep thought is. After a while someone needs to point to a list.

Pretty soon we will get too clever by posting a George Carlin quote:

"I think we ought to just go ahead and make "zillion" a real number. "Gazillion," too. A zillion could be ten million trillions, and a gazillion could be a trillion zillions. It seems to me it's time to do this."

...and then closing it with a link to a quote generator. It seems to me it's time to do this.
posted by john at 10:22 AM on June 7, 2001

I can never pick just one favorite. (I like the Disney one best, but it's already been posted.)

"If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink."


"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing."


There's plenty more, but I won't spam.
posted by CrayDrygu at 12:44 PM on June 7, 2001

Handey is said to be responsible for two long-running popular sketches: "Toonces, the Driving Cat" and "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer", and the all-time classic ad-parody, "Happy Fun Ball".

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

This seems to be a Jack Handey profile in Swedish (followed by several Deep Thoughts -- djupa tankar -- also in Swedish), suggesting he's written for the New Yorker before as well as National Lampoon, Punch, Playboy and Omni. Apparently his wife is named Marta (several d.t.'s name her) and Toonces is the name of one of their cats.

Oh, wait, here's the English version.

An earlier New Yorker piece. He wrote something for Outside last year, but it isn't online.
posted by dhartung at 1:52 PM on June 7, 2001

Yeah, Deep Thoughts were always my favorite part of SNL, and I even have the books.... it's hard choosing a favorite but the one that sticks in my mind the most is "Here's a good tip: when you climb stairs, always kick up your feet as you walk to make sure no one's following too closely." Don't ask me why. Maybe it's because I'm imagining the expression on the face of the guy walking behind him.
posted by Laugh_track at 5:29 AM on June 9, 2001