Huh. Maybe I'm doing something wrong (or right) but I never just happen to see guys with big boners walking around... posted by JoanArkham at 10:46 AM on April 30
When I was about 11 or 12 we had to take swimming once a week. One kid in my class got a boner right before he had to demonstrate his backstroke. From then on we called him Jaws. posted by ob at 10:50 AM on April 30 [13 favorites has favorites]
But seriously, if you've never had a boner, you're missing out. It's the best thing ever. I get a boner when it's sunny–most enjoyable! posted by Mister_A at 10:50 AM on April 30 [5 favorites has favorites]
No matter how deep you dig you will never find the full extent of awkward boners. No matter how much research you do, unless you were a teenage male at leat ten years ago, you cannot imagine how an awkward boner will be regarded. For my brothers who are currently suffering, I've been there, but trust me. In the future, when you're drunk, it's really funny. posted by Science! at 10:51 AM on April 30 [2 favorites has favorites]
Ah, men. Is there nowhere they won't inadvertently advertise their readiness for coitus?
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:42 PM on April 30
Ah, men. Is there nowhere they won't inadvertently advertise their readiness for coitus?
I think you're being hard on the male gender, AV. We often face stiff competition for potential partners. Sometimes the only way to get out of the woods is to bone up on advertising strategies, and pitch our tent wherever we can. posted by dersins at 10:56 AM on April 30 [13 favorites has favorites]
That said, I think a lot of these are not actually boners. for example, that guy probably just has an extra baseball in his pocket. posted by delmoi at 11:02 AM on April 30
Hermitosis: between this and your Guys With Iphones post, can we safely assume something is ...on your mind? posted by The Whelk at 11:03 AM on April 30
Mmm, cathartic. posted by Nelson at 11:07 AM on April 30
I'm grateful that fashions were at maximum bagginesss during my most boner-vulnerable years. Kids today and their tights jeans, it must be rough. posted by gngstrMNKY at 11:07 AM on April 30 [2 favorites has favorites]
I've never had an awkward boner. Seriously, the guy is like Noël Coward in a hoodie, he gets invited to more parties than I do. posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:08 AM on April 30
When my husband and I were dating in high school, an inadvertent boner was a source of embarassment. Now that he's 42, a random boner is a source of pride.
Am I mistaken in remembering that there was a band called Sweatpants Boner? Regardless, that's my favorite band name ever. posted by Divine_Wino at 11:11 AM on April 30
Hermitosis: between this and your Guys With Iphones post, can we safely assume something is ...on your mind?
Yeah -- this time of year I always get this strong desire to start dabbling in photography again. Must be the warm weather. posted by hermitosis at 11:12 AM on April 30 [1 favorite has favorites]
I have 'READY FOR COITUS' tattooed on the side of mine, like this:
8==readyforcoitus==D
When it's flaccid it shortens to 'RAD'.
I did the same thing, but mine shortens to READ IT. posted by emelenjr at 11:12 AM on April 30
I have 'READY FOR COITUS' tattooed on the side of mine
That's nice. I opted for the Treaty of Westphalia.
My goodness, being in a regatta certainly made those boys happy. And while spandex is a privilege and not a right, in the case of those damp and happy boys, spandex should be mandatory.
I could always predict when I was going to be called to the board in class. Awkward boners were a leading indicator. posted by sonic meat machine at 11:19 AM on April 30
One night, while I was in high school, I was eating dinner at a friend's house. His mother and grandmother were sitting at the table with us, apparently discussing some culinary matter, because suddenly--and very loudly, in her "old lady from Queens" voice--grandma says, "Oh, I know, I had to use the bohhhaahhh!"
I had to excuse myself from the table. posted by uncleozzy at 11:19 AM on April 30
Huh. Maybe I'm doing something wrong (or right) but I never just happen to see guys with big boners walking around...
What about little boners? posted by spicynuts at 11:28 AM on April 30
Dick Cheney though?
You mean they managed to keep his residence off of Google maps for eight years, but this is out there for everyone to see? I would have preferred that Cheney's dick remained in an undisclosed location. (And yes, though I came early just to snark, I have since hit every page on the linked site and followed the whole thread. Hypocrite!) posted by barrett caulk at 11:29 AM on April 30
I just realized while looking at this. Getting a boner while wrestling could really fuck with your opponent's mind. posted by prufrock at 11:36 AM on April 30 [2 favorites has favorites]
unfortunate moments in maleness courtesy of
I read that as "...moments in male courtesy." posted by StickyCarpet at 11:38 AM on April 30
Ah, men. Is there nowhere they won't inadvertently advertise their readiness for coitus?
Not church.
Well, mainly this was due to the fact I'd almost invariably fall asleep in the middle of the main service, but I'm sure all the girls dressed in their Sunday best didn't help any, either. But, yeah, teenage boy + nap + waking up = plenty of wood.
You want awkward? Try shuffling out of a church assembly of 300 in ill-fitting polyester slacks with naught but a bible for a shield for your hormonally supercharged pokey bits. It also probably didn't help that I would also blush as red as a beet at the drop of a hat.
Actually, now that I think about it I'm pretty sure I had a boner continuously from about age 12 until about 24.
Is this awkward enough? I could go put on some yoga pants and think sexy thoughts about the Large Hadron Collider... mmm Hadron Collider. Aaaargh, too late. *blushes* posted by loquacious at 11:39 AM on April 30
Wow, 7 posts on MeFi tagged with "boner". Should I have expected greater or fewer? posted by Mikey-San at 11:41 AM on April 30
I just wanted to include myself in this awkward boner link. Because I've had a few. Starting with the first junior high school dance, where I had to crank myself over the boner to give sufficient distance between me and the surprisingly thin fabric layer between me and the ripe flesh of the party-dress-clad girl I was awkwardly clutching. Women will never understand. But I'm not complaining, because I still wake up with an unawkward boner every morning. For which I am thankful (fingers crossed, knock on wood [pardon the pun], and Viagra who?).
Oww, the peckerslap. That poor kid. posted by kuujjuarapik at 11:57 AM on April 30
So! They laugh at my boner, will they? I'll show them! I'll show them how many boners The Joker can make! posted by Ratio at 11:57 AM on April 30
Starting with the first junior high school dance, where I had to crank myself over the boner to give sufficient distance between me and the surprisingly thin fabric layer between me and the ripe flesh of the party-dress-clad girl I was awkwardly clutching.
Oh man, yeah. Doing the whole hips angled away and pointing down thing, chest forward, basically the "velociraptor stance" so as not to poke the poor girl, wishing you could explain that "SERIOUSLY IT JUST DOES ITS OWN THING, I CAN'T CONTROL IT, OH GOD I'M SORRY". Who decided school dances were a good idea, anyway? Bunch of virile young manchildren awkwardly smelling the sweet breath of their female classmates, it's a dangerous scene. posted by Greg Nog at 12:10 PM on April 30 [4 favorites has favorites]
Bunch of virilepuerileyoung manchildren awkwardly smelling the sweet breath of their female classmates
I once did a play where I had to do a brief nude scene, full frontal. I fretted a lot over: "Jesus, what happens if I get a hard-on right when I have to go on?" It never happened, although I guess the inescapable answer to myself would have to have been, "Well, I guess you're going onstage with a boner."
Of course, when I wasn't worrying about that, I was instead thinking to myself, "I hope everyone realizes that it's February, and this theater is pretty drafty." THANKS, BRAIN. posted by Skot at 12:17 PM on April 30
*wobbles, then finally puts this down in the CONS column for exploring the advantages and disadvantages of HRT* posted by adipocere at 12:22 PM on April 30
barrett caulk: Exactly. Freak dancing? At least we had standards! Harrumph! posted by Turtles all the way down at 12:30 PM on April 30
Indeed! We did our dry-humping parked in cars in the football field parking lot or in rheostat-dimmed basements with a perpetual anxiety of the parents' footfalls on those stairs before we'd glimpsed Nirvana. posted by barrett caulk at 12:36 PM on April 30
Here is a list of times, conditions, and/or events during/under which young men will get more-or-less spontaneous boners:
Wind
Night
Dinner
School bus
Bike ride
Smell of tacos
Absence of wind
Moonlight
Clouds
Solitude
Opposite of solitude
Air conditioning
Thinking
Music
Peaches
This list is by no means complete, and I've left out some of the more obvious ones (girls/women/mom/boys/men etc.), but it paints a pretty good idea of the kinds of things that can prompt a boner. posted by Mister_A at 12:46 PM on April 30 [5 favorites has favorites]
You want awkward? Try shuffling out of a church assembly of 300 in ill-fitting polyester slacks with naught but a bible for a shield for your hormonally supercharged pokey bits.
I would have thought communion would be the difficult bit, what with the slow shuffle in a line where you don't have crowd cover, and half the congregation sitting either already back or waiting to join the line. Of course even if it doesn't happen, the fear can be omnipresent. I would have been ready with my prepared explanation "I just really love Jesus" but of course no one asks the question. posted by Durn Bronzefist at 12:55 PM on April 30
There should be an instructional video to show young ladies before dances. posted by drezdn at 1:07 PM on April 30
Mister_A: shades of Derek & Clive there (the alter-egos of a drunken Peter Cook and Dudley Moore) for example (seriously NSFW) posted by ob at 1:14 PM on April 30
I remember getting an embarrassing boner on a bud ride to school when I was in 11th grade. These were not unusual for me, as something about the gentle vibration of the bus always seemed to encourage swelling, but this time the boney grew to unusual proportions. It forced the other children up against the sides of the bus and eventually out the windows. It pushed the driver straight through the bus's windshield. Eventually it bust the bus apart, as a butterfly bursts out of its pupae.
Of course, it was at that moment that my math teacher arrived and asked me to go to the chalkboard and solve and equation. posted by Astro Zombie at 1:34 PM on April 30 [5 favorites has favorites]
Trust me guys, the girls dancing with you at school dances? Totally aware of the phenomenon. Mostly they just didn't say anything about it. posted by aclevername at 2:02 PM on April 30
haha I'm a girl
I can intentionally think dirty thoughts in public places without risk of embarassment posted by little e at 2:17 PM on April 30 [1 favorite has favorites]
haha I'm a girl
I can intentionally think dirty thoughts in public places without risk of embarrassment
haha I have ED so I can do that too! In fact I'm having dirty thoughts about you right...OMG I'm CURED! posted by sexymofo at 2:29 PM on April 30
Womenfolk may laugh, and that's their prerogative, but they get boners too. They're just (usually) smaller than ours, more unobtrusive, to cause less of an upset in polite company. Bunch a dang sizeist boner-sportin' womefolk.
Dang it! You know what I'm talking about here: erectile tissue. We all got it in one form or another. Some of us have to try and conceal it, but others get away scott free, never having to worry about the random rude bulge ruining the dinner party or wedding photo.
Think about the humiliation of that, womenfolk! How would you all feel if people were staring at your sexy bits and . . . what?
haha I'm a girl
I can intentionally think dirty thoughts in public places without risk of embarrassment
it can go further than that, too.
girls i've known who had their clits pierced said they would often orgasm walking down the street, just from the way the walking motion would cause the piercing to
rub against them. posted by UbuRoivas at 4:06 PM on April 30
Looking at all of these, I'm not sure that all of them are sporting a bona fide boner. Some men just protrude more, even when they're not, you know, engorged. posted by echolalia67 at 4:28 PM on April 30
In fact I'm having dirty thoughts about you right...OMG I'm CURED!
that sounds about right, back in my carnie days I performed healings AND worked the burlesque show posted by little e at 4:46 PM on April 30 [1 favorite has favorites]
This was pretty funny. That's all I have to say. posted by mnb64 at 5:22 PM on April 30
Thank god for that, here was me about to have nightmares about the baby's arm Cheney had in his pants. posted by paisley henosis at 10:50 PM on April 30
You want awkward? Try shuffling out of a church assembly of 300...
That's what the term "Catholic girls" is all about. (re: see FZ song) posted by Drasher at 4:57 AM on May 1
"This song's about boners."
"Yeah. heh-heh BAD Boners"
"There's no such thing as a bad boner, Beavis."
"What about that time I had chicken pox and my hands were all covered in duct tape?" posted by Uther Bentrazor at 5:52 AM on May 1
What do you call the useless piece of skin attached to the end of a penis?
I could always predict when I was going to be called to the board in class. Awkward boners were a leading indicator.
posted by sonic meat machine at 1:19 PM on April 30
Eponysterical?
Jesus, is that not the truth. I don't know if I ever worked an Algebra problem on the board without one. Also, I blame the cheerleader that sat behind me that apparently wore one of her uniforms to school every day.
At least in my memory she did. posted by Ynoxas at 12:50 PM on May 12
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posted by prufrock at 10:41 AM on April 30