Stupid sexy spiders

April 30, 2009 8:21 PM

Yet another reason to be spider-averse - traumatic insemination.
posted by idiomatika (39 comments total)

Bedbugs do it too -- and nobody likes bedbugs.
posted by Afroblanco at 8:25 PM on April 30

My interpretation of this and its implications for my worldview depend on if the spider chicks like it or not.
posted by norabarnacl3 at 8:28 PM on April 30

It just goes to show: you can't be too careful.
posted by arachnid at 8:31 PM on April 30 [2 favorites]

This only makes me like spiders MORE.
posted by HopperFan at 8:37 PM on April 30 [1 favorite]

Are you a spider?
YES I AM A SPIDER!
Are you a sexy spider?
YES I AM A SEXY SPIDER!
Are you a sexy spider who likes sexy sex?
YES I AM A SEXY SPIDER WHO LIKES SEXY SEX!
Are you a sexy spider who likes sexy sex puncturing your sexy sex spider ovaries?
YES I AM A SEXY SPIDER WHO LIKES whoa, timeout.
posted by boo_radley at 8:38 PM on April 30 [24 favorites]

Geez, you're making this too easy.

Traumatic insemination? That sounds like the last time I tried to compile C++ code.
                          ^{(Write awful activity here.)}

Go ahead, try it. It's fun.
posted by koeselitz at 8:38 PM on April 30 [1 favorite]

You can see more explicit videos of this at piercingtheabdomenoffemalesfertilisingtheireggsdirectlyintheovaries.com

Unfortunately it's a pay site.
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:38 PM on April 30 [2 favorites]

bypassing structures in the females' genitalia.

Dear Spiders..you're doing it wrong
posted by spicynuts at 8:39 PM on April 30

(I meant filling in the blank, not compiling C++ code.)
posted by koeselitz at 8:40 PM on April 30

(Seriously, the C++ code compiling: don't try it. It's not fun at all.)
posted by koeselitz at 8:40 PM on April 30 [1 favorite]

Isn't that what women's navels are for?
posted by qvantamon at 8:42 PM on April 30

Hence the phrase "bugfuck crazy".*

*Yes, I know that spiders aren't insects. NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRDS!
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:44 PM on April 30

Anticlimactic.
posted by MrVisible at 8:45 PM on April 30

Hey guys, you know that feeling you get when you see another guy kicked in the balls? Yeah, I'm having that in my ovaries right now.
posted by strixus at 8:45 PM on April 30 [1 favorite]

qvantamon: Isn't that what women's navels are for?

qvantamon's profile: Occupation: Software Developer

I'm... um... no. No, I won't say it.

Sorry, man- just too easy. And it takes one to know one, anyway, right?
posted by koeselitz at 8:46 PM on April 30

This is the first time that traumatic insemination has been shown to occur in spiders. I attended a talk given by this guy at the last international arachnology conference, and it caused quite a stir.
posted by dhruva at 8:49 PM on April 30 [1 favorite]

I'm sorry dhruva, this is the hurf-durf-spider-sex thread. Serious discussion of this issue should be conducted in some other thread that you are free to start or not at all.
posted by spicynuts at 8:57 PM on April 30 [1 favorite]

yeah but the problem is that on MeFi, any spider thread turns into an arachnophobe's free-for-all.
posted by dhruva at 8:59 PM on April 30

i think this is a traumatic-insemination-ophobe free for all more than an arachnophobe free for all.
posted by spicynuts at 9:08 PM on April 30

woah - and germaine greer thought she had something to gripe about
posted by pyramid termite at 9:13 PM on April 30

Am I too late to get in on the LOLTexians thread? Oh... sorry this is the LOLRachnophobes thread? My bad.

that being said. Very interesting. My most firm memory of spider sex is during "The Trials of Life" video set where the eeny-teeny male spider inseminates the MUCH LARGER FEMALE SPIDER and runs off for his life.
posted by Severian at 9:14 PM on April 30

Maybe the male spiders got on the interwebs, found out about the whole girl-spider-eats-boy-spider-after-spider-sex thing some species got going on and were all like "Ohnoudon" and started the traumatic insemination thing only to discover it's making their penises shrink and now the other boy spiders are all like "way 2 go at leest I can pleeze a lady b4 I die luzer" and I bet it's turning into quite the throwdown.
posted by Salmonberry at 9:15 PM on April 30 [2 favorites]

So this is what the Evil Mothers were talking about.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 9:23 PM on April 30

Dear AskMefi,

Why don't girl spiders ever give us nice guys a chance? Why do they always seem to go for the traumatic inseminators?
posted by orme at 9:44 PM on April 30 [12 favorites]

Quite a few species of creepy crawlies reproduce via traumatic insemination. For an image that will haunt your dreams check out this image of a male bean weevil's equipment on Wikipedia's page on traumatic insemination.
posted by Kattullus at 9:44 PM on April 30 [1 favorite]

"So what do you say to you and I head back to my place so I can DELIVER MY GENETIC PACKAGE?"

It sounds so clinical it just might work.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:16 PM on April 30

Penis fencing.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:04 PM on April 30 [2 favorites]

Gives whole new terror to the concept of the crack spider's bitch.
posted by The otter lady at 11:28 PM on April 30 [2 favorites]

Yet another reason to be spider-averse - traumatic insemination.

Perhaps you mean "unexpected traumatic insemination".
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:38 PM on April 30 [1 favorite]

Uther Bentrazor: So this is what the Evil Mothers were talking about.

The ones who said that everything was just dirt?
posted by koeselitz at 11:40 PM on April 30 [1 favorite]

The African bat bug also pierce and inseminate other males.
posted by tellurian at 11:50 PM on April 30

Spiderman is beginning to get a tingle now...
posted by Effigy2000 at 12:22 AM on May 1

Ok, I now have "Callosobruchus_analis_penis.jpg" in my cache and history and I can't tell if thats SFW or NSFW and I feel sorry for whichever sysop monkey checks it...
posted by Molesome at 4:32 AM on May 1

Play safe, sexy spider ladies. When met with any new suitor, always check for the fedora.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 6:11 AM on May 1

Having watched the first two Alien movies recently, I found this especially disturbing for some reason.
posted by elder18 at 7:32 AM on May 1

"The evolution of these features has been heretofore difficult to explain," he said.
"Perhaps the secondary genital structures of butterflies and spiders could have originated via traumatic insemination."

Not only are these spiders rapists, they're evolutionists too!
posted by fontophilic at 9:17 AM on May 1

Sounds like a weekend at my local gay bar.
posted by virgored at 10:46 AM on May 1

Why don't girl spiders ever give us nice guys a chance? Why do they always seem to go for the traumatic inseminators?

From TFA: Because the old way of doing it gave preference to the last guy to fuck you instead of the first.

jessamyn: Some comments deleted. Take it to Meta, folks.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:54 AM on May 1

I didn't see it mentioned in the article, but please tell me the female rips the males head off and eats it.

Cause that's what I would do.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:18 PM on May 1