Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

May 12, 2009 10:14 PM

From the greats of the silent era to the modern masterpieces of the 21st century, the medium of film has never truly achieved artistic perfection. Until today.
posted by Lord_Pall (90 comments total)

This isn't real, is it? Could it be?
Don't tease.
posted by maryh at 10:22 PM on May 12

I'm sorry, but you're wrong. The Room is as close to artistic perfection as film can be.
posted by Bageena at 10:25 PM on May 12 [5 favorites has favorites]

That's probably not going to be a very good movie.
posted by infinitywaltz at 10:27 PM on May 12 [3 favorites has favorites]

It's no Ghostbusters 2.
posted by Riki tiki at 10:28 PM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

Ah, Asylum, the geniuses who brought us the cinematic tour de force that was (and still is) "Transmorphers," which, "[u]nlike its namesake... has no recognizable actors, no merchandising tie-ins and a garbled sound mix. Also unlike “Transformers,” it has cheap special effects and a subplot involving lesbians."
posted by dersins at 10:30 PM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

So, yes, it's probably real.
posted by dersins at 10:31 PM on May 12

Yeah, but you just know in the sequel they'll have to put aside their differences and team up to fight the greater menace that is ELBOW SQUID!
posted by WolfDaddy at 10:32 PM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

The giant octopus smashing the fighter plane out of the sky is what sold me, this movie is going to be soooo great.
posted by drinkyclown at 10:33 PM on May 12

In fact, the entire Asylum slate is pretty impressive:

Sexpot3-DDD (A comedy about sex and pot. In 3D. Which is an interesting trick given that it's direct-to-video).

The Terminators (Built to serve mankind... now re-programmed to destroy!)

War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave (starring C. Thomas Howell and Kid!)

Snakes on a Train (No, seriously-- I shit you not. "Under a powerful Mayan curse, snakes are hatched inside a young woman, slowly devouring her from within. Her only chance for survival is a powerful shaman who lives across the border. With only hours to live, she jumps on a train headed for Los Angeles. Unfortunately for the passengers aboard, they are now trapped, soon to be victims of these flesh-eating vipers.")

I could go on, but I'll spare you.
posted by dersins at 10:42 PM on May 12 [6 favorites has favorites]

10:45 restate my assumptions

there's a reason for everything
posted by nervousfritz at 10:45 PM on May 12

Even as parody this is just lame.
posted by caddis at 10:55 PM on May 12

Debbie Gibson. Nuf' said.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:59 PM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

When did Debbie Gibson become Cynthia Rothrock?
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:12 PM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

That's probably not going to be a very good movie.
posted by infinitywaltz at 11:27 PM on May 12 [+] [!]

FTFW FTW FWIW FSMN
posted by mazola at 11:12 PM on May 12

only in your dreams
posted by sexyrobot at 11:14 PM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

shark your love
posted by scrowdid at 11:15 PM on May 12 [3 favorites has favorites]

foolish beast
posted by scrowdid at 11:16 PM on May 12

Scuse me gents! It's Deborah Gibson. Deborah.
posted by lattiboy at 11:31 PM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

It's like they read my diary and made my worst nightmare into a movie! Chilling!
posted by Nattie at 11:32 PM on May 12

Metafilter: We'll get them to kill each other.
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 11:34 PM on May 12 [5 favorites has favorites]

Great, now I have something new to worry about when flying.
posted by imabanana at 11:35 PM on May 12 [3 favorites has favorites]

Considering the calibre of Snakes on a Train, I am SO EXCITED FOR THIS MOVIE.

SO SO EXCITED.
SO EXCITED.

EXCITED.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 11:37 PM on May 12

A movie this wonderful could only star one man! Only one man could utter the line "We're dealing with a menace." so tonelessly, so perfectly wooden: Lorenzo Lamas.

You know you want to watch it.
posted by Ghidorah at 11:37 PM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

Sounds a bit far fetched to me. I like my sea-monster battles to be a touch more realistic.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:38 PM on May 12 [3 favorites has favorites]

I like the part where the army develops a giant can of whoopass and the navy figures out a way to transfer it to a giant jar, which they then lower to the bottom of the sea for the giant octopus to open on the giant shark.
posted by pracowity at 11:54 PM on May 12

I want this muthafuckin' mega-shark off my muthafuckin' plane.
posted by gompa at 11:58 PM on May 12

This looks incredible. I might purchase the DVD.
posted by spiderskull at 12:15 AM on May 13

Needs more Renegade!
posted by Darned account name at 12:18 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

Hey, John, it's your manager. Good news. These producers have optioned your script. Here's the thing, they aren't super experienced. They've done a few things, and they know their way around a set, but they haven't actually produced anything before. But one of them is an actor, he's done lots of stuff. He starred in Transmorphers. The money's good, though, and they really...

I'm sorry, what?
posted by incessant at 12:45 AM on May 13

Does Giant Octopus jump the Mega Shark?
posted by bardic at 12:48 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

I hope it'll be as good as this...
posted by thermonuclear.jive.turkey at 12:53 AM on May 13 [6 favorites has favorites]

You asshole.
posted by m-a-s-o-n at 12:57 AM on May 13

Moi?
posted by thermonuclear.jive.turkey at 12:59 AM on May 13

I hope it'll be as good as this...

Eat the rich.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:07 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

why the fuck is youtube telling me I need the new flash player when I already have it? GRRRRRR
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 1:36 AM on May 13

Deborah. Ah, sweet youth of mine, back to haunt me.
posted by maxwelton at 1:47 AM on May 13

"Meh."
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:04 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

Did Ms. Gibson excitedly declare "Thrilla' in Manilla."? I didn't see Diablo Cody's name in the writing credits, ghostwriting gig?
posted by Glee at 2:12 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

OK I fixed my flash problem.. now I wish I hadn't.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 2:42 AM on May 13

Good to see that Noah Baumbach finally has a special effects budget.
posted by darth_tedious at 2:51 AM on May 13 [4 favorites has favorites]

Texas has sharks?
posted by mattoxic at 3:48 AM on May 13

Stack trace of my brain:

1) Wow, this looks really dumb.
2) Oh, it's from some place called "The Asylum". Sounds like some kind of comedy team that makes fake movie trailers that are hilariously terrible. I'll go watch some.
3) No, these are just plain terrible. And they make a whole movie like this?
4) Their website is also hilarity-free.
5) OK, the hilarity is back now:

The Asylum is an American film studio and distributor which focuses on producing low-budget, usually direct-to-video productions. The studio is best known for producing titles which appear to capitalize on productions by major studios.... In 2008, 20th Century Fox threatened legal action against The Asylum over The Day the Earth Stopped, a film believed to capitalize on The Day the Earth Stood Still.

The Wikipedia list of "mockbusters" is also pretty great, although the list of "formerly popular actors and musicians" that star in their films is pretty depressing.
posted by DU at 4:26 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

This movie sucks. They have deviated from elements of the earlier movies, altered timelines and betrayed the existing literature and fanbase.
posted by srboisvert at 4:26 AM on May 13 [10 favorites has favorites]

Well, it looks better than Eagle vs. Shark.
posted by 0xdeadc0de at 4:59 AM on May 13

I hope it'll be as good as this...

I like the part where all of those people get eaten by the giant shark. And I like the part where the Bad Guy gets on the Jet Ski and you think oh no he's going to get away but then he gets eaten by a giant shark. But I hope the lethargically yelling people in the water don't get eaten by a giant shark.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 5:20 AM on May 13

I'm reserving judgment until I see Pete Hammond's review.
posted by total warfare frown at 5:26 AM on May 13

Why are the planes crashing?
posted by Bobby Bittman at 5:26 AM on May 13

That's a whole lot of hype for a SLYT post.
posted by Joe Beese at 5:29 AM on May 13

If there's no T-Rex, I'm not buying.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:32 AM on May 13

George Lucas should team up with these guys, he could pick up on proper use of CG, they could..well, put George Lucas on their label.
posted by samsara at 5:42 AM on May 13

if there is no giant glowing blue penis involved, I'm not going to watch,man
posted by HuronBob at 5:52 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

Deepest. Bluest. My hat is like a shark's fin.
posted by nicepersonality at 6:02 AM on May 13

this is proof God loves me.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 6:40 AM on May 13

It's no Ghostbusters 2.

Is this sarcasm? Because Ghostbusters 2 is fucking awesome.
posted by poppo at 6:44 AM on May 13 [2 favorites has favorites]

if there is no giant glowing blue penis involved, I'm not going to watch,man
posted by HuronBob at 8:52 AM


You mean, like a radioactive blue whale shows up at the end and rapes the winner?
posted by orme at 6:45 AM on May 13

"You mean, like a radioactive blue whale shows up at the end and rapes the winner?"

there... you nailed it (no pun intended).. where were you when they were working on the script?
posted by HuronBob at 6:59 AM on May 13

I hope it'll be as good as this...

If you've ever seen Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, you'll know that that's not the part of the movie to favor with a clip.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:18 AM on May 13

There can be only one really bad shark movie. That movie is Shark Attack 3: Megalodon.

There is a very specific reason for this. This movie contains a pickup line so bad, so forced, so over the top that it has become known as the line.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 7:21 AM on May 13

Because I have been hurt, you must be hurt.

I give you, the line.
posted by The Whelk at 7:48 AM on May 13 [8 favorites has favorites]

> The giant octopus smashing the fighter plane out of the sky is what sold me, this movie is going to be soooo great.

It's like Snakes On A Plane never happened.

*shakes head sadly*
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:51 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

I was on board with this until I saw the footage of the Iowa-class battleship steaming into action. There is no freaking way that they would be able to get either of the two remaining Iowas out of mothballs, refitted and ready to go in time to deal with a giant-shark-and-octopus crisis. Totally absurd.
posted by Tullius at 7:59 AM on May 13 [4 favorites has favorites]

Foolish feat.
posted by blucevalo at 8:10 AM on May 13

[watches The Line]

Bwahahahahaha! No, wait, did that really just happen?

[watches it again]

Ahahahahahahaha! Stop it! Come ON! Really?

[ad absurdum]
posted by yiftach at 8:24 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

So that's what happened to Debbie Gibson. I wasn't wondering. But I am wondering where Admiral Harriman Nelson is when you need him.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 8:27 AM on May 13

I have to see this film! This could take the all-time number one spot from Atomic Twister, in which a tornado sweeps through a small town and threatens its nuclear power plant. As it's the night-shift, the power plant is of course manned only by the young-but-plucky-female-nuclear-physicist and the non-too-bright-but-heart-of-gold janitor. THRILL to the cars-on-visible-wires being flung around by the tornado! GASP at the arrogance of the alpha-male-policeman who ignores the physicist's warnings! SIGH at the loosely tacked-on subplot in which the attractive teenagers survive mild peril and end up falling in love! And when you've enjoyed Atomic Twister, watch its spiritual sister Atomic Train, in which a nuclear bomb is being transported by train that gets hijacked and catches on fire. Naturally, the bomb is travelling next to a stack of Sodium ingots (yes, you heard me) so dumping water on the fire only exacerbates their problems...

> I give you, the line.
Everything I know about US culture, I learned from Hollywood. My mental picture of your everyday lives and conversations is awesome.
posted by metaBugs at 8:36 AM on May 13 [3 favorites has favorites]

I went so far as to skim the Wikipedia entry for Shark Attack 3 to see if there's some explanation for The Line.

Many reviewers took issue with the bad dialogue, particularly a scene where John Barrowman delivers the dead-pan line, "You know, I'm really wired. What do you say I take you home and eat your pussy?" This was later revealed (on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross) to be an ad-lib by Barrowman intended to make his co-star laugh, although for some reason it was left in the movie's final cut. Some subsequent TV broadcasts of the movie, however, replace the line with "What do you say I take you home and we watch I Love Lucy?"

I'm not sure which version I love better.
posted by DU at 8:43 AM on May 13 [3 favorites has favorites]

¿Quien es mas macho—Señor Lamas o Señor MEGA SHARK??
posted by emelenjr at 8:46 AM on May 13 [8 favorites has favorites]

I am going to try both and see which works better.
posted by Astro Zombie at 8:54 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

Bad movies are cool but I prefer the unintentionally bad ones.
posted by zzazazz at 9:01 AM on May 13

Meh. I'm waiting for Jaws 5: Big Shark in the City (around 5:00).
posted by slogger at 9:14 AM on May 13

Okay. Neither work.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:15 AM on May 13

What do you say I take you home and eat your pussy?

in soviet russia, pussy eats you
posted by pyramid termite at 9:21 AM on May 13

I was on board with this until I saw the footage of the Iowa-class battleship steaming into action.

It's okay; in the movie it's actually Yamato but there just isn't enough good color footage of her to use, so they subbed in an Iowa as a stunt battleship.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:24 AM on May 13

Oh man oh god.
posted by stinkycheese at 9:25 AM on May 13 [5 favorites has favorites]

I have had it with these motherfuckin' octupi on these motherfuckin' sharks.
posted by katillathehun at 9:36 AM on May 13

Meh. They're never as good as the book.
posted by notashroom at 10:49 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

My favorite part is when the shark bit the Golden Gate Bridge.
posted by kirkaracha at 10:58 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

Wow. The concept behind this movie is dubious at best. Everyone knows that a squid would have made for a better adversary. Not only that, but my informal market research indicates that a squid would have been the bigger box office draw. I'm sorry, but an octopus just is not A-list material.
posted by Hylas at 11:41 AM on May 13

Is this sarcasm? Because Ghostbusters 2 is fucking awesome.

I'm pretty sure it's a reference to this previously posted persistent query.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 11:52 AM on May 13

Hi guys!
posted by deborah at 11:57 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

The studio is best known for producing titles which appear to capitalize on productions by major studios..

Dibbs on motherfucking Sharks on a Barque!
posted by octobersurprise at 12:14 PM on May 13 [2 favorites has favorites]

You can have that, as long as I get Sharks on a Log, the thrilling tale of preschool snacktime gone horribly wrong.
posted by DU at 12:18 PM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

Oh please let them make The Clockguys
posted by Dr-Baa at 1:18 PM on May 13

I watched Asylum's "Terminators" last night, and the only black guy wore a doo-rag, and was named Pac. That won me over.
posted by broken wheelchair at 1:36 PM on May 13

DU: In 2008, 20th Century Fox threatened legal action against The Asylum over The Day the Earth Stopped, a film believed to capitalize on The Day the Earth Stood Still.

Ah, that's where I remember "The Asylum" from! We rented it from a Redbox one day just for the laugh factor. That giant robot on the cover? It doesn't from that spot the entire movie. It doesn't take a step, it barely does anything! In fact, the humans in the movie don't even appear to be too concerned with it. I wouldn't doubt if it was added on a whim during post production.

The Wikipedia list of "mockbusters" is also pretty great, although the list of "formerly popular actors and musicians" that star in their films is pretty depressing.

Their film Ten Million Years B.C. (also rented from Redbox) has Michael Gross, the dad from Family Ties. I couldn't help feeling sorry for him, but I also couldn't help hoping that the dinosaur that causes the oddly tacked-on third act of the film wouldn't be devoured by a gigantic bloodthirsty Alex P. Keaton.

Ah, "The Asylum." If it weren't for you, would Redbox have anything at all?
posted by JHarris at 7:50 PM on May 13

To be fair to Mr. Barrowman, it's only slightly less wooden than how he normally reads lines.

cause seriously, it wasn't the nonsense plots that turned me off Torchwood, It was the horrible, horrible acting. If you have a drama-sci-fi-thing you need to make me care about the omnisexual-immortal hero , at least a little
posted by The Whelk at 8:59 PM on May 13

Not bad. But it's no zombie fire ants vs 4 foot long cement eating worms
posted by Smedleyman at 12:06 PM on May 14

lol for dersins on the Snakes on a Train reference.

Funny story along with that travesty - they tried to sue the studio that did Snakes on a Plane for stealing their idea.

I find it more likely that they heard about the Snakes on a Plane idea and quickly vomited out a script and movie so they could "finish" their "masterpiece" first and make the aforementioned spurious claim.
posted by Darth Meatloaf at 1:02 PM on May 14

I caught about the last third of Alien v. Hunter on Sci-Fi last night.
I am now even more excited for this film.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 4:05 PM on May 17

It's no Mansquito but it'll do.
posted by chairface at 9:19 PM on May 29