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I'd buy that for a $1M
May 16, 2009 7:55 PM   Subscribe

Maybe you shouldn't buy that.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (63 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite

 
But it keeps the solid gold toilet economy going!
posted by futureisunwritten at 8:07 PM on May 16, 2009


I love the Lite Brite complexion system!

I'm amazed every item isn't from SkyMall, honestly.
posted by winna at 8:10 PM on May 16, 2009 [1 favorite]


LOLPeople with disposable income!
Eat The Rich, amirite?
posted by battleshipkropotkin at 8:14 PM on May 16, 2009


Though i like the floating bed...
posted by battleshipkropotkin at 8:16 PM on May 16, 2009


LOLSWAROVSKI
posted by hattifattener at 8:17 PM on May 16, 2009 [1 favorite]


Yeah, let's make fun of easy-target demographics while pretending to really care about the horrors of capitalism!
posted by setanor at 8:19 PM on May 16, 2009


The $365 Diesel DZ9044 Sideview: Proof that not all ideas are good.
posted by FishBike at 8:20 PM on May 16, 2009


All the pleasure of reading SkyMall without the hassle of traveling.
posted by munchingzombie at 8:24 PM on May 16, 2009 [2 favorites]


Everything is made better by the inclusion of an aquarium. Cars, iPods, other aquariums. Even hydrotherapy tables (even if I was unaware of the existence of such a device).
posted by brundlefly at 8:26 PM on May 16, 2009 [1 favorite]


By the way, love the title to this post.
posted by brundlefly at 8:29 PM on May 16, 2009


It's funny to me what little creativity you would have to have to need what ever you're buying to have gold and gems bedazzled all over it.
posted by nola at 8:33 PM on May 16, 2009


I love blogs that boil down to: "I think that's dumb!"
posted by oddman at 8:35 PM on May 16, 2009 [6 favorites]


Man I've lusted after a Optimus Maximus keyboard since I first heard about them a couple years ago. The price is the only thing un cool about it even if it's totally reasonable considering every single key has a built in display device and the function of all the keys are fully programmable. Very sweet piece of kit.
posted by Mitheral at 8:45 PM on May 16, 2009 [6 favorites]


Stupid.
posted by jayder at 9:05 PM on May 16, 2009


This thing wasn't too expensive.
posted by delmoi at 9:15 PM on May 16, 2009


Is this supposed to make me feel like throwing up? Because I kind of feel like throwing up.
posted by zinfandel at 9:16 PM on May 16, 2009


That magnetic bed is the best thing I've ever seen! A close second was that time I made out with God.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 9:49 PM on May 16, 2009 [5 favorites]


I figured this was going to be a double of this.
posted by mazola at 10:07 PM on May 16, 2009


The mag-lev bed showed up in the last William Gibson book, I assumed he made it up.
posted by doctor_negative at 10:16 PM on May 16, 2009


The mag-lev bed showed up in the last William Gibson book, I assumed he made it up.

He may have. Damned if I can remember which one, but I'm pretty sure magnetically floating furniture is mentioned in some Vonnegut book.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 10:35 PM on May 16, 2009


I like the magnetic bed, but wouldn't be able to sleep for fear that my testicles were growing tumors.
posted by jimmythefish at 10:51 PM on May 16, 2009 [1 favorite]


Mitheral: Do you think it'd be possible to make a keyboard that's transparent at the center of the keys, and then you just lay that over an LCD screen you aren't planning on using anymore? It seems like the cheaper solution, since we've already got a bunch of old monitors in circulation, and the factories are primed to mass-produce LCDs that are in larger sizes.
posted by mccarty.tim at 10:53 PM on May 16, 2009


Hmm, someone should invent gold-leaf-pepper-jack-cheese. It's deflationarily delicious!

If I got that wrong, it's because I was after alliteration and ambivalent about accuracy.
posted by aydeejones at 10:57 PM on May 16, 2009 [3 favorites]


A toilet... for $19 million dollars.
posted by not_on_display at 11:50 PM on May 16, 2009


The Swarovski Crystal Paintball Gun. This is the only one where I actually have to ask, "who would want that?" I literally cannot imagine a market for it.

Who exactly is this targeted towards? The Beverly Hillbillies?
posted by Afroblanco at 12:02 AM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


Agreed Afro. I mean, I can see the demographic for a lot of the other products...but a crystral covered paintball gun? WTH?

Also, what is it that is so special about Swarovski crystals that makes them so desirable amongst the "ooh, shiny!" set. What sets them apart from other cut class?

Is this one of those diamond vs cubic things that I'm just not going to understand because it's all marketing, or is there something about this brand name crystal that I'm not getting? I mean, I get that they're shiny and pretty and one should line one's magpie nests with them, but how are they better than the other shiny rock like items?
posted by dejah420 at 12:34 AM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'm with dejah420. I've been puzzled by Swarovski Crystal for awhile. How in the world has this company succeeded in branding glass? I can understand being able to sell glass figurines for a premium price but the way they've been able to sell random crap is just mystifying. My favorite example are eyeglasses with crystals embedded in them. Yes they're really selling glass lenses, ok so maybe they're plastic lenses, with glass embedded in them.
posted by rdr at 1:27 AM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


So much of this stuff is so useless. I mean, I can imagine that having unlimited wealth is nice. I could probably use arbitrary amounts of it if I had it around to use. But why'd you buy this kind of pointless crap? Like the crystal covered paintball gun. I mean, if you just had unlimited amounts of money, I can see spending $5001 on a paintball marker, like if you really loved paintball and it was better. But covering it in crystal doesn't make it better, it just makes it gaudy. Why do that when you could make it out of carbon fiber with internal components made out of titanium and magnesium, or build it to super-tight tolerances so it's really accurate, or do something else that would actually improve its performance?
posted by Mitrovarr at 2:09 AM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


Do not mock the bed. The bed is awesome.

Her: Oh. My. God. Your bed is floating!
Me: Yeah, check it.
H: Where did you get it?
M: NASA brought it back from the moon. Hop on up on it. That's right. Awesome.
H: Oh my god it didn't sink or anything! Can I jump on it?
M: Heh, you can do anything on this bed.
H: (bouncing) You say NASA made it?
M: Naw, they found it. On the moon.
H: On the moon? The moon moon?
M: (gazing at her ass as she bounces) Yeah, it was buried under some rocks and shit, so NASA dug it up and had all these scientists run like tests and shit. Then it blasted some radio signal that fucked up all their equipment. And it floats when you lay it down. That's all it does now. Cool, huh? Only floating bed in the world.
H: (stops bouncing) It's amazing. How did you get it?
M: Yo, what I tell you? My pop's in fucking Congress. He funds NASA.
H: Ohhh. What makes it float?
M: I dunno, magnets and shit. Everything on the moon floats, don't you watch TV?
posted by Ritchie at 2:45 AM on May 17, 2009 [42 favorites]


Ritchie: If you ever entered politics, you would become the president of Earth in about two months.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 3:27 AM on May 17, 2009


"I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks ... got a fur sink ... let's see ... an electric dog-polisher ... a gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater ... and of course I bought some dumb stuff, too."

- Steve Martin
posted by diogenes at 4:03 AM on May 17, 2009 [9 favorites]


Eh, this kinda site has been done before, but in a more intelligent and more humorous way. Some of the jokes were actually just plain abusive though, for example:

If you’re riding your Vespa around town with your “friend” Luis on the back,...

Who insinuates about sexuality like this anymore? Yawn, last century, grow up, get with the program, x, y...zzzzz.

Actually, this site reads like the author is insecure about their own consumption patterns. Maybe they aren't capable of consuming the 'right' goods to achieve the status they want in society. They find the significance of certain goods too complex to handle correctly, and have failed to be accepted into the top consumption class. But they do understand that the status they want doesn't come from simply consuming expensive goods, but consuming those with the right meanings and values. So they set out to police the easiest consumption boundaries they can find - those of conspicuous consumption - to reassure themselves of at least that understanding.
posted by Sova at 4:44 AM on May 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


This thing wasn't too expensive.
posted by delmoi


Have you seen what they're selling dead hookers for?
posted by gman at 4:52 AM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


I don't buy it.
posted by bwg at 4:55 AM on May 17, 2009


This is just like reading Sky Mall, which in combination with the safety cards (parody), are my favorite part of flight.

I once spent the entirety of a flight with my fellow passenger, who I think was as exhausted as I was, trying to decipher every single safety scenario and the details involved (my favorite is the no shoes graphic which I can't find, but often distinguishes between loafers and high heels, and I'm still not certain why). After that we moved onto the Sky Mall catalog.

I usually avoid talking to my neighbors because I'm usually a) being hit on, b) being given 'help' on Sudoku or a crossword puzzle, or c) being proselytized to, but that guy was awesome. I still think of him sometimes.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 5:36 AM on May 17, 2009


my favorite is the no shoes graphic which I can't find, but often distinguishes between loafers and high heels, and I'm still not certain why

High heels can tear the giant happy fun slides that you use to escape after scary not so fun landings.

Link to Passengers' Role in Safety from Boeing
posted by educatedslacker at 6:04 AM on May 17, 2009


High heels can tear the giant happy fun slides that you use to escape after scary not so fun landings.

Yeah, but why can't people wear loafers in certain scenarios? I really wish I could remember what airline that was.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 6:13 AM on May 17, 2009


I'm with dejah420. I've been puzzled by Swarovski Crystal for awhile. How in the world has this company succeeded in branding glass?

"Crystal" glass produced by Swarovski (among many other companies) isn't just ordinary glass - it contains a large amount of lead oxide, which raises its refractive index, making it a lot shinier. Swarovski just happens to be the best-known producer of lead glass beads.
posted by daniel_charms at 7:06 AM on May 17, 2009


"Do you think it'd be possible to make a keyboard that's transparent at the center of the keys, and then you just lay that over an LCD screen you aren't planning on using anymore?"

Probably, but because of the necessary thickness of the keys your viewing angle would suck.
posted by Mitheral at 7:24 AM on May 17, 2009


But why'd you buy this kind of pointless crap?

Rich people make a sport of impressing other rich people. Thus the paintball gun that was 1.00 more expensive than the other paintball gun.

Of course, this is all nouveau riche stuff. Old money buys paintings, islands, and racehorses. And Congressmen.
posted by emjaybee at 8:03 AM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


I've always wondered what Ritchie Rich was doing as a grown-up. It's so cool that you're on Metafilter, Ritchie! I always figured you'd be quite the ladies man when you grew up.
posted by nosila at 8:45 AM on May 17, 2009


High heels can tear the giant happy fun slides that you use to escape after scary not so fun landings.

Virgin touts its floaty magnetic escape slides (for first class). But you have to remove any diamond incrustations first.
posted by hal9k at 8:51 AM on May 17, 2009


It was all funny until I got to the Captain Kirk chair. Now I'm just sitting here wishing I had $2000.
posted by emperor.seamus at 9:12 AM on May 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


Vielle Bon-Secours, found exclusively at the Bierdome in London, is the world’s most expensive beer at $1000 per bottle (about $78 for a pint). What makes the beer so pricey? Distinctive aroma and flavors. And presumably a rare type of drunkenness that somehow makes you more attractive to hot women as opposed to more willing to settle for a gal of huskier carriage.

Again with the fat-woman jokes.
posted by box at 9:53 AM on May 17, 2009


From the site: watches aren’t often worn by most people

Is this true? I can't imagine not wearing a watch, though perhaps this is just habit. Are teh kidz no longer wearing wristwatches? Blimey.
posted by fightorflight at 10:37 AM on May 17, 2009


But why'd you buy this kind of pointless crap?

Well, that kind of begs the question of whether anyone is buying this pointless crap. For most of these things, all we know is that someone made and is hoping to sell the pointless crap. There are enough people in the world with more money than sense that it isn't a completely impossible hope.

(And, TBH, there are a few of these things that I'd buy if I really had absurd amounts of money, like the floating bed or the truffle or the gold bathroom. Of course I'd buy the bathroom ironically. For the Ritchie Rich / Scrooge McDuck-themed wing of my guest cottage.)
posted by hattifattener at 11:04 AM on May 17, 2009


I've heard it's human nature to want expensive things when you can afford everything you really want. I imagine the companies make these things for publicity more than anything, though. Some billionaire buys it and the company makes the news, and blogs make fun of the conspicuous consumption, which hopefully gets a few people to look at the cheaper wares.

Also, I actually kinda like the bloody bath mat, and at $22, it's a luxury I could afford. I won't buy it, but once I get my billion dollar bailout (I'm needed to prop up the slacking industry), I will go for it.
posted by mccarty.tim at 11:40 AM on May 17, 2009


I'm with you guys on the blood bathmat, but if you get that, you really need to purchase a matching Psycho blood shower curtain.

I so want one!
posted by math at 12:20 PM on May 17, 2009


I really want the floating bed and I think that it would be completely possible to make one for less than a god damn million dollars
posted by tehloki at 12:29 PM on May 17, 2009


I bet Marie Antoinette picked diamonds out of her cake all the time.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:58 PM on May 17, 2009


People in preindustrial Europe typically had bad teeth because of all the diamond dust in their flour, it is true.
posted by hattifattener at 1:44 PM on May 17, 2009


Luckily, they were tripping balls on ergot pretty much 24/7, so it didn't really bother anybody.
posted by box at 2:07 PM on May 17, 2009


fightorflight: Is this true? I can't imagine not wearing a watch, though perhaps this is just habit. Are teh kidz no longer wearing wristwatches? Blimey.

They've been eradicated by the cell phone, at least among most of the people I know. The remaining few who do wear them do it for the appearance alone.
posted by Mitrovarr at 2:37 PM on May 17, 2009


Eat The Rich, amirite?

...yes?
posted by regicide is good for you at 3:47 PM on May 17, 2009


No price is too high for a bed that floats. It's a floating bed, for Christ's sake!
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:01 PM on May 17, 2009


The carbon-fiber helmet was the one that confused me the most. 5000$ is a fairly large chunk of change, to me, but surely any money spent protecting the place where your brain lives is money well spent, if you enjoy doing things that put that brain at risk of injury, right?

I mean a helmet made out of solid gold, which would be both obnoxiously heavy and so soft as to provide little protection, that would be ridiculous, but this isn't at all.
posted by paisley henosis at 4:45 PM on May 17, 2009


paisley henosis: The carbon-fiber helmet was the one that confused me the most. 5000$ is a fairly large chunk of change, to me, but surely any money spent protecting the place where your brain lives is money well spent, if you enjoy doing things that put that brain at risk of injury, right?

Generally speaking, more pricey helmets do not protect your head better, once you get to a certain minimum level of quality. That helmet is probably so expensive not because it provides better brain protection, but because it weighs half a pound less than a regular helmet or something along those lines.
posted by Mitrovarr at 8:01 PM on May 17, 2009


If a helmet is used by professional racers, it's good. At $5,000 it probably one of their cheapest pieces of gear.
posted by oddman at 8:12 PM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


Whenever I see that bed, I always think to myself that a sheet of metal wouldn't be very comfortable to sleep on. Then it occurs to me that you could put a mattress on top.

Also, that blood mat (and shower curtain) aren't the color of dried blood, which seems a little weird to me. But, I guess you see fresh blood in the movies, which is where the inspiration comes from.
posted by philomathoholic at 12:32 AM on May 18, 2009


Wouldn't buy the bed. I'm holding out for the anti-gravity plates from Ringworld.

The keyboard is to lust for. But the way I go through keyboards, it had better be built to withstand (ab)use.

Swarovsky: In Zurich, in the train station, they had a very large christmas tree covered in Swarovsky crystals. It was awesomely beautiful, and well-guarded. I love sparkly things.

Wristwatch: absurd. Living in Switzerland, my eyes are constantly assaulted by ads for watches. Analog watches (oh, so fashionable). I hate analog watches. Just try to find a special digital watch (something stylish but functional) and you're likely to end up empty-handed. So I end up wearing an el-cheapo Casio. I don't like using my phone as a timepiece.
posted by Goofyy at 12:58 AM on May 18, 2009


They've been eradicated by the cell phone, at least among most of the people I know. The remaining few who do wear them do it for the appearance alone.

I was one of them, those who had given up a watch for a mobile. Then I started flying regularly for work, and now, they've made a comeback.

Also, I got a nice deal on a Seiko. Yay for excess inventory I guess.
posted by the cydonian at 7:02 AM on May 18, 2009


Eat The Rich, amirite?

...yes?
posted by regicide is good for you at 3:47 PM on May 17 [+] [!]


Eponycompletelytrue.
posted by FatherDagon at 10:34 AM on May 18, 2009


Most things like the high-end purchases are on my Not-to-buy list for now. Hope the economy turns....
posted by Hadley at 7:03 AM on June 7, 2009


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