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May 24, 2009 1:29 AM   Subscribe

The Problem With Young People Today Is... Self-described "crabby old fart" Donald Mills has some colorful opinions about "God damned teenagers." Via.
posted by amyms (70 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite

 
Delightful.
posted by slumberfiend at 1:36 AM on May 24, 2009


Dana Carvey did it better (yt).
posted by bardic at 1:40 AM on May 24, 2009


They’ve driven the Buick out of Stupidville and arrived safely in Assclown County

About that, there is no doubt. And keep your stupid-named, slouched self off my damn lawn!
posted by Goofyy at 1:40 AM on May 24, 2009


That is funnier than I expected it to be.
posted by Infinite Jest at 2:15 AM on May 24, 2009


Wow. This is actually a true, and funny, use "Get off my lawn." There was this asshat where I used to work that did not understand that phrase at all. Like it was some internet-meme he was just regurgitating willy-nilly. Well asshat, this ones for you. Sit back, relax, and learn how it's done.

P.S. If you've ever said "Too soon!" just to be funny...yeeaaah, it wasn't really that funny. You were just repeating something you heard, hoping to be funny. If you said it because of something like a Swine Flu joke a couple weeks back, then you were probably spot on and in turn ironically funny.

* Sits back, relaxes, and waits for someone to say "too soon"*
posted by P.o.B. at 3:09 AM on May 24, 2009


"too soon"*
posted by Dumsnill at 3:13 AM on May 24, 2009


Yeah, still not funny.
posted by P.o.B. at 3:14 AM on May 24, 2009


I also took an indirect route from this (so-so) to a pleasurable rewatching of old Dana Carvey Grumpy Old Man bits.

That's right. In my day, we mocked grumpy old people with a style beyond what these newfangled blogs could dream of. Daily updates, click to them whenever you like, cause these days it's you that's important, huh? No! Back then there was just one short skit on just one weekly network show and it only showed up a few times a year and we liked it that way! We loved it!
posted by Bokononist at 3:15 AM on May 24, 2009


Young people want to spend their Sunday’s lying in bed, disrespecting God and following Britney Spears on Twitter.

The problem with young people today is that they can't keep their apostrophes sorted out.

In my day, we learned the correct use of the apostrophe before we learned to use the outhouse. Why, if I'd used one to make a plural of a word that didn't end in 's,' Miss Benevich would have slammed my semicolon with Strunk and White, and she'd have been right to do it.

But these young people today, they stick an apostrophe in almost at random, thinking they always need one to make a plural noun. It's disgraceful.

If this keeps up, our orders for Hello Kitty furniture will all be screwed up, because the Chinese will be laughing so hard at our punctuation. Where will our economy be then?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:11 AM on May 24, 2009 [10 favorites]


That blog can kindly get off my lawn, actually.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:22 AM on May 24, 2009


Metafilter: It’s the thin edge of a dangerous wedge.
posted by davejay at 4:34 AM on May 24, 2009


Nobody "kindly" gets off the lawn. They always do it with at least an eye-roll or an "up yours!" or a some sort of muttering about fascists, if not a full scale F-bomb strafing. If they had any respect, they wouldn't be on your lawn in the first place, now, would they?
posted by louche mustachio at 4:40 AM on May 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Let's face it, Donald Mills put into words, what we are all thinking. He ain't no slouch. But, the problem with old folks today is they forget they were young once too. Buckwheat is not a solid nickname to get you through the good times and bad. Cannot imagine my boss throwing down a "Hey Buckwheat come here" on me.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:42 AM on May 24, 2009


God Damned Donald Mills bored me after about two of those...

That said, is anyone besides me thinking the guy in the picture isn't the guy writing these?
posted by HuronBob at 4:50 AM on May 24, 2009 [3 favorites]


The older you get, the more all human behavior seems silly.

They don’t need drugs. What they need is a 16 hour work day, a shot of cod liver oil and a god damned kick in the ass.

I personally know the kids he's talking about.
posted by Enron Hubbard at 5:13 AM on May 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


This link is relevant to my interests. Thanks.

Oh, and I don't have to tell the damned kids to stay off my lawn. I let the landmines do the talking for me.
posted by spoobnooble at 5:30 AM on May 24, 2009 [3 favorites]


As a public librarian, dealing with "difficult" teenagers is by orders of magnitude the least pleasurable aspect of my job, so I have far more than my fair share of grumpy old man moments.

On the other hand, I remember what a lot of kids were like when I was in high school, and it's like my sister once said; "I didn't like teenagers when I was a teenager, so there's not much chance I'm going to like them now."
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:40 AM on May 24, 2009 [12 favorites]


I'd be very surprised if the guy behind the curtain is a day over 30.
posted by TBoneMcCool at 5:50 AM on May 24, 2009 [7 favorites]


The problem with young people today is that they churn out tedious, unimaginative blogs in hopes of getting book deals.
posted by youarenothere at 6:13 AM on May 24, 2009 [20 favorites]


Card Cheat's Sister: "I didn't like teenagers when I was a teenager, so there's not much chance I'm going to like them now."

This.
posted by localroger at 6:15 AM on May 24, 2009


That said, is anyone besides me thinking the guy in the picture isn't the guy writing these?

Yup. It sounds entirely like it was written by a 30ish web-savvy type trying to figure out a way to make a hit blog. "If you thinking picking a handle like..." Come on. No senior I've ever met says "handle" in that way. The photo? Just a little too perfect -- perfectly lit, perfectly classic "old man's couch" etc...

Utterly fake. Funny to some extent, but just at fake as the Onion.
posted by modernnomad at 6:27 AM on May 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Too soon.
posted by shadow vector at 6:29 AM on May 24, 2009


Well of course it's fake! The guy makes an over-the-top post halfway down that outlines that fact.

But still, it's a well written, and funny troll. And besides, we all know that people over 30 can't write anything funny.
posted by fungible at 6:39 AM on May 24, 2009


Reminds me of The Bile Chronicles, a site that unfortunately has gotten off the internet's lawn.
posted by TedW at 7:01 AM on May 24, 2009


If I had ever slouched around my house, my old mom would have beaten me senselessness with a lemon reamer...

I see what you mean.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 7:04 AM on May 24, 2009


The problem with young people today is that they know that adults/older people aren't really going to kick their asses. When I was young, I can't recall any older people beating me up, but I sure as hell was convinced that they might. As such, I didn't mouth off to older people. I didn't piss them off.

When I was 24, I was walking down the sidewalk and a kid who was about 12 was coming the other way. He greeted me with, "What are you looking at, asshole?" or some variation of that. Why was he not afraid I would kick the shit out of him? Kids now know that adults won't beat them up, and it makes then a bit more bold. At the time, I felt like adults needed to start a disinformation campaign about a neighboring town where strange adults were routinely beating the shit out of kids.

Another problem with young people today is that their parents will take their side.

When I was in the 6th grade, I was intentionally being such a smartass that my teacher yanked me out of class and took me out into the hallway. My antics had pushed her too far, and she was tightly holding my upper arm while she shared her thoughts with me. As a result of this arm-grab, she actually slightly punctured the skin on my arm. I didn't have blood running down me or anything like that, but the skin was slightly broken and blood could be seen. I then did what any kid at the time would have done. I made sure my parents didn't see that. Why? Because if they had, they would have wanted to know what I did to piss off my teacher so much. And then I would have been doubly in trouble with my parents.

But today's kid would show his parents. His parents would then ask him for his side of the story and believe it over the teacher's version. His parents would go to the principal and the teacher would wind up getting suspended or fired over the incident.

There is no fear anymore. Kids know that they won't get harmed physically. They also know that they really hold more power than adults do because their ability to accuse renders adults powerless.
posted by flarbuse at 7:05 AM on May 24, 2009 [20 favorites]


The problem with young people today is that they know that adults/older people aren't really going to kick their asses. When I was young, I can't recall any older people beating me up, but I sure as hell was convinced that they might. As such, I didn't mouth off to older people. I didn't piss them off...There is no fear anymore. Kids know that they won't get harmed physically.

Huh? Also the problem with women today? And homos? Kids, women, and homos have all really gotten out of control since the end of child abuse, domestic violence, and gay bashing? Whuah?
posted by youarenothere at 7:16 AM on May 24, 2009 [3 favorites]


> Another problem with young people today is that their parents will take their side.

I don't think bringing back corporal punishment is the answer, but this can definitely be a problem. There have been a number of times at the library where we've asked kids to leave, or banned them for a day/week/month (in writing), and they've returned an hour later or the next day with a parent (it's usually the mother) in tow. Every single time the parent in question has absolutely refused to accept the idea that their perfect little angel could have been kicked out of the library for a valid reason; right off the bat they assume we just get our kicks by giving their kids a hard time for no reason at all (and, believe me, public libraries go out of their way to avoid kicking people out and/or banning them, so anyone of any age who has been asked to leave has been acting like an asshole). In one particularly bad instance we had to ban the mother too, because she walked in the front door screaming and swearing and proceeded to physically threaten the staff at the circ desk when it was explained to her that her son had been banned because he was throwing sharpened pencils (full-length, not those little golf ones libraries give out) at other kids' heads.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:22 AM on May 24, 2009 [4 favorites]


An old joke, not done well here.

Dana Carvey did it better

Dana Carvey? Monty Python did it waaaaay better decades ago.
posted by LooseFilter at 7:36 AM on May 24, 2009


Goddamned young people these day. God damn them.

The problem with young people these days is that they are always rolling up their cigarettes up in their sleeves, wearing leather jackets, leaning on posts, not paying their rent, and taking my god damned daughter to the god damned sock hop every god damned weekend. These ruffians think that they can speed down fucking main street at 80 mph hanging out the window listening to rock and or roll, like they own the goddamned place. An absolute abomination to society is what these goddamned youth are.

If my generation would have cruised around on the proverbial motorcycle terrorizing the goddamned neighborhood like a bunch of pinko commies, our parents would have taken us by the ear and given us fifteen lashings with the belt, as any responsible parent would do. The parenting these days, the softness of it, is making this world go to hell, or at least to fucking Switzerland.

These kids with their greased back hair and their utter lack of morals and their VD. Someone should make a sanctuary for people my age where there are rules and none of these teenagers ruining the place. We could call if Florida and have all the nice weather and golf a man of my stature could ever dream of. Nothing would ever go wrong and there would sure as tits never be any crazy stories on the goddamned 6 o'clock news.
posted by clearly at 7:40 AM on May 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


The problem with young people today is that they churn out tedious, unimaginative blogs in hopes of getting book deals.

the problem with the publishing industry these days is that any mediocre writing with enough popularity might get picked up. still, this old site will probably only top out at a vanity press.
posted by the aloha at 7:43 AM on May 24, 2009


flarbuse has got it. Every kid these days is quite well aware that adults who aren't their parents can't lay a thin finger on them for any reason whatsoever short of actual murder.

We need an "I'm looking the other way" understanding among adults that allows for a judiciously-applied slapdown when the kids overstep their social boundaries.

I blame the parents who shriek, "how dare you punish my child" when they get a hand slapped by another adult for some minor transgression for starting this whole thing.
posted by Aquaman at 7:53 AM on May 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Conservatives are apparently trying to make themselves look cool when it's obvious they're both obsolete and morally wrong in just about every way.
posted by kldickson at 7:55 AM on May 24, 2009


And before you know it every church in the land will be nothing more than a god damned discotheque stuffed to the rafters with uncontrollable, raving young people.

Didn't this already happen?
posted by Afroblanco at 8:08 AM on May 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


A san old timer myself, I can but add that this was a great nation till two things happened:
1. The death of disco
2. The end of the Rat Pack

till then, we had great values and standards.
posted by Postroad at 8:32 AM on May 24, 2009


I'd be very surprised if the guy behind the curtain is a day over 30.

Yeah, I'm pretty damn sure that nobody over the age of 30 uses the term assclown.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 8:34 AM on May 24, 2009


Apparently the problem with old people is that they spend too much time being pissed off about young people.
posted by lullaby at 8:35 AM on May 24, 2009


I miss Ed Anger.

*sniff*
posted by mazola at 8:41 AM on May 24, 2009 [4 favorites]


CONTRIVED!
posted by Senator at 8:42 AM on May 24, 2009


And before you know it every church in the land will be nothing more than a god damned discotheque stuffed to the rafters with uncontrollable, raving young people.

Can you feeel it?

(And by it, I mean the breasts and buttocks of your parishioners.)
posted by PeterMcDermott at 8:45 AM on May 24, 2009


The funniest one is also backasswards: it's us old people who take to spontaneous combustion. I've never heard of a teenager taking up this arcane hobby.
posted by kozad at 8:59 AM on May 24, 2009


I think George Will already writes this kind of thing, only for real: "Kids today and their denim jeans..."

I can't wait for his obligatory follow-ups, seething with polysyllabic vituperation for rock music and tennis shoes.
posted by Tube at 8:59 AM on May 24, 2009


I work in a public library, 2nding The Card Cheat's comments. Things have flipped around so much now that my bosses want even the bad kids to keep using the library - even the ones who alienate other members of the public with their rowdiness, volume, swearing and just generally behaving like asses.

It can be incredibly draining trying to walk that tightrope and keep myself from telling them what I actually think of their behaviour.
posted by stinkycheese at 9:01 AM on May 24, 2009


The idea has potential, but he really should work on the voice, as mentioned above. Handles, assclown, mom? It doesn't ring authentic.

Would be funnier if the picture was of a thirty year old man, though, and then he could keep the anachronistic bits.
posted by sugarfish at 9:08 AM on May 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


This might be funny if it weren't a poorly made fake.
posted by Nelson at 9:10 AM on May 24, 2009


The problem with young people today is that they churn out tedious, unimaginative blogs in hopes of getting book deals.

Has the realization that most format-heavy humor bloggers are likely looking for book deals ruined our appreciation of humor bloggers? (I admit, I thought the same thing and didn't read more than the first entry or two...)

Also, Donald Mills ate my balls!
posted by mrgrimm at 9:17 AM on May 24, 2009


Yeah, ditto that on Ed Anger. Which means we miss Eddie Clontz.
posted by grounded at 9:29 AM on May 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Nobody has ever cared what young people think and now’s not the time to start.

QFT
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:30 AM on May 24, 2009


But these young people today. They think churches are boring and “lame.” The only way they’d sit through a sermon was if it were on Youtube and included someone getting kicked in the giblets or an exploding toilet.

An exploding toilet would have enhanced any of the sermons I was unfortunate to have to sit through as a kid.
posted by metagnathous at 9:59 AM on May 24, 2009


An exploding toilet would have enhanced any of the sermons I was unfortunate to have to sit through as a kid.

you've never heard of analbaptists?
posted by pyramid termite at 10:02 AM on May 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


P.S. If you've ever said "Too soon!" just to be funny...yeeaaah, it wasn't really that funny.

I said that a while ago in a thread about the Endor holocaust. Was it funny then?
posted by brundlefly at 10:32 AM on May 24, 2009



We need an "I'm looking the other way" understanding among adults that allows for a judiciously-applied slapdown when the kids overstep their social boundaries.


I understand your sentiment but honestly, I'm having a hard time thinking of a situation where I would trust the average American fat ass Nascar Dad's judgment over when it was time to strike my child. Yes, children should be taught to respect their elders; the problem is that so many children don't actually have elders worthy of respect.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:38 AM on May 24, 2009 [3 favorites]


This is how you build a smokin' blog. Congrat's to whoever these people are.
posted by Aetius Romulous at 10:40 AM on May 24, 2009


They drag themselves down the street with their concave backs...

Damn young uns can't even slouch properly.
posted by ComfySofa at 10:42 AM on May 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


you've never heard of analbaptists?

Yeah, I have. Grew up around them, sad to say.
posted by metagnathous at 11:01 AM on May 24, 2009


we had to ban the mother too, because she walked in the front door screaming and swearing and proceeded to physically threaten the staff at the circ desk

That was your first mistake. What you should have done was to call the cops and have her arrested for assault.

I do miss me the days of shushing, indeed I do. People want to socialize, go to the mall. Or the Y. Or the soda shop. Anyplace but the library.

As to the post. It would be funnier if it were funnier. I think the writer has a problem with getting the diction quite right - which is kind of life or death with comedy.
posted by IndigoJones at 11:32 AM on May 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


The problem with young people today is that they can't keep their apostrophes sorted out. [...] Why, if I'd used one to make a plural of a word that didn't end in 's,'

Wait, what? So it's okay to pluralize words that do end in s? Did you forget to take your pills today, grandpa?
posted by Sys Rq at 12:14 PM on May 24, 2009


I said that a while ago in a thread about the Endor holocaust. Was it funny then?

Probably not. Then again I've heard that phrase used over and over in situations just like that, so YMMV and all that. I guess that happens when you spend enough time around people who are socially awkward, not to mention immature, and their repertoire of jokes consist of attaching "your mom is a" whatever the last word you just uttered. Sort of like some of the people here have read enough bullshit on the internet to brush this one off as some inane dribblings of a 20something writer. In that respect I would agree it really isn't that funny, and at best will get an eye roll out of you because it just wears you down more than it brings you up.
posted by P.o.B. at 12:20 PM on May 24, 2009


Just spent three days having my 88-year-old father treat 53-year-old me like an 18-year-old kid. Believe me, there are much better ways to recapture your youth. And I may be too old for this, but he really is an assclown. I'm seriously considering writing a blog criticizing people my age and older titled "The Trouble With Old Folks Today or I Don't Have to Get Off Your Lawn, It Hasn't Been Yours Since Your Mortgage Went Underwater".
posted by wendell at 12:50 PM on May 24, 2009 [3 favorites]


I once said something old-fartish to a black co-worker, and followed it up with "and get off my lawn!" and we both laughed. Then, another co-worker, a white guy who was actually kind of an old fart, took me aside and told me my comment was racist. I could not make him understand the joke. I think in his mind lawn jockeys were involved.
posted by zinfandel at 1:02 PM on May 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


I like the way you think, youarenotthere.
posted by barnacles at 5:52 PM on May 24, 2009


Cliff Yablonski did this better.
posted by photoslob at 6:11 PM on May 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


We need an "I'm looking the other way" understanding among adults that allows for a judiciously-applied slapdown when the kids overstep their social boundaries.

More than a few times in developing countries, when I've attracted a small horde of kids following me about & horsing around, some elderly man has stepped in & given them a strong talking to. The kids would be a bit cheeky towards him as well, but covertly, and you could sense that they had fear of the old guy, mixed with respect.

It's not a physical slapdown, but in these places where gangs of kids routinely play in the streets, and all kinds of people just hang around outside for whatever reason, there seems to be a stronger sense of community members taking responsibility for the public peace & welfare, and telling kids in no uncertain terms when they're acting out of line.

It's a bit of a shame that in the West the responsibility for gently disciplining kids is thought to belong pretty much only to the parents.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:29 PM on May 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


the problem is that so many children don't actually have elders worthy of respect.

amen.
posted by auntbunny at 9:21 PM on May 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


if I had ever asked my old dad to call me “Phat A” he would have brained me with a pair of ice tongs and changed my nickname to “that idiot boy.”

I think we may be half-brothers.
posted by MikeMc at 10:59 PM on May 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


'the problem is that so many children don't actually have elders worthy of respect.'

amen.


Amen II. With lots of knobbly knobs on.
posted by i_cola at 5:56 AM on May 25, 2009


Recommended reading.
posted by flabdablet at 6:55 AM on May 25, 2009


Every generation has some cultural element that's defined it—transcendentalists, flappers, boomers… I think ours will be called the will-less generation.

I remember my grandparents (children of the Depression that came of age during the Second World War) having this undefinable character—something in their faces—that has been lost in the genetic mix of the last two generations. They had pride getting their hands dirty and getting things done. These days that has been almost entirely replaced with cynicism. And the kids of cynics? They are the worst, because they have no will. Because really, what's the point? They see the whole cycle in their parents and grandparents: the lofty ideals of the 60s are replaced with cold realites of the 80s. That's what you get when you care. So they don't. This generation's youth are, without a doubt, the most ennui-filled bunch of kids the world has ever seen. They simply don't care more than I can even begin to understand.

Anyway, that's what I think is wrong with kids these days.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 2:52 PM on May 25, 2009


They had pride getting their hands dirty and getting things done.

Yes. I think of my grandfather, whose dissertation was apparently so outstanding that the university had to invent a wholly new, higher class of University Medal specifically for him.

Then the war came along, and refugee camps, and resettlement in Australia, whereupon nobody was much interested in employing a foreign scientist of his particular specialisation, so what to do? Back-breaking labour shovelling bricks into a furnace; hell yeah, why not? And raising poultry to make some money from the meat & eggs, growing vegetables & fruit - whatever made ends meet.

My pet theory is that the children of immigrants like that (and, I guess, just about anybody who went through the war) are driven to excel professionally, but the rot sets in with the next generation, who've never known that kind of hardship & who receive the world on a platter, so they spend most of their time typing stuff onto a website, and other frivolous activities.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:28 PM on May 25, 2009


Yeah, I'm pretty damn sure that nobody over the age of 30 uses the term assclown.

He explains the assclown thing in one of the comments.

Yes, I read some of the comments, too. His reply to this one gave me a laugh.
posted by Life at Boulton Wynfevers at 5:52 AM on May 26, 2009


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