“I’ve stolen Guevara’s puzzle cube” remarked Tom cherubically.

June 6, 2009 5:06 PM

Schott's Vocab Blog is doing a weekend competition for 'puns that monkey with the description of reported speech for comic effect', and has gotten about 2000 entries so far!"Tom said swiftly. "Some of them are actually funny if you think about them," he added judgmentally.

"And this no-frills site serves up random Swifties," Wendell said refreshingly. "I wanted to give an extra link because I procrastinated in posting this," he extrapolated.

"There's more on the inside!" he added punishingly.

Here's the last time we did these on Metafilter, he wrote in riposte. "Only once in ten years!" he noted decadently. "I'm hoping to lure Tom Swifties Master bradlands back to the site with this," he said outlandishly.

"I found this on the Internet!" Wendell said as Hugo ogled. "I think Tom Swifties are funnier than a Gary Larson cartoon with a bike in it!" he said farcically. "I'm glad I took the chance on this," he said haphazardly. "The last time I did something like this, they cut me off at the ankles," he said defeatedly.

posted by wendell (191 comments total)

Thanks for the pun!
posted by litterateur at 5:09 PM on June 6 [2 favorites]

Two married guys, Jim and Alec were having a beer after work. "Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?" said Jim dejectedly.

"How do you mean?" asked Alec, confused.

"Well, see the other day, instead of two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg," Jim sputtered as if inebriated.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," said Alec with resignation. "Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'Pass me the Sugar.' But what came out was "You bitch, you've ruined my life!"
posted by netbros at 5:16 PM on June 6 [5 favorites]

"I'd expected the electric chair, not this," Tom said, aghast.
posted by wendell at 5:18 PM on June 6 [7 favorites]

"Vin Diesel's going too fast," Reginald masturbated furiously.
posted by Christ, what an asshole at 5:19 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"Well, I'm off to do some gardening," Tom said candidly.
posted by nasreddin at 5:19 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"Quick, what's my name?" said Tom swiftly.
posted by champthom at 5:22 PM on June 6 [5 favorites]

"I saw her walk, run, jog, trot, cantor and gallop." Heather said verbosely.
posted by Midnight Rambler at 5:26 PM on June 6

"She was a great actress," said Hannibal gracefully.
posted by nasreddin at 5:28 PM on June 6

here are some of my faves from the competition (I take no credit or blame):

“I hear the president asked King Abdullah about the Saudi penalty for pickpockets,” Tom said offhandedly.

“Matzoh balls and gefilte fish for me”, said Tom judiciously.

“I really dislike reading Hugo,” said Les miserably.

“My aunt is never on time,” Andy Griffith said belatedly.

“Is it Tom Swiftie or Tom Swifty?” she asked, spellbound.

“Has Will Shortz ever met Ben Schott?” she asked quizzically.
posted by wendell at 5:28 PM on June 6 [5 favorites]

"This pinot grigio sucks," Milarepa whined.
posted by milarepa at 5:29 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"LAKERS IN FOUR!", he declared sweepingly.
posted by wendell at 5:30 PM on June 6

"Your favorite band sucks," Cletus mused.
posted by Christ, what an asshole at 5:31 PM on June 6 [3 favorites]

"More chowder!" they clamored.
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 5:32 PM on June 6 [3 favorites]

"This post is so amazing, I wish I had a gift to offer in return," said artifarce lackadaisically
posted by artifarce at 5:32 PM on June 6

"I think it's time to take this to the gray," Jessamyn said metaphorically.
posted by nasreddin at 5:32 PM on June 6 [10 favorites]

"Don't mind my lack of punctuation," said artifarce periodically.
posted by artifarce at 5:34 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"Well, those certainly didn't fit like moccasins," said Peter, pussyfooting around the corpses.
posted by Christ, what an asshole at 5:35 PM on June 6

"These sites are fun but they don't validate," Tom said deprecatingly.
posted by artifarce at 5:41 PM on June 6 [4 favorites]

"We have cameras," said Tom picturesquely.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 5:42 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

She asked herself, "Who am I?" rhetorically.
posted by iamkimiam at 5:42 PM on June 6

REFERENT said Tom PUN
posted by DU at 5:43 PM on June 6 [4 favorites]

"Insert here?" Richard asked eponysterically.
posted by Christ, what an asshole at 5:43 PM on June 6 [2 favorites]

"Virginia, Kentucky, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania are actually commonwealths," box stated.
posted by box at 5:47 PM on June 6 [4 favorites]

"I can manipulate text files in Unix," Tom said.
posted by DU at 5:52 PM on June 6 [23 favorites]

more from the competition (NOT MINE):

“The sun never sets on the British”, said Tom empirically.

Let’s play Bingo, said Tom benignly.

“I can’t find my medicinal marijuana delivery systems,” Tom said disjointedly.

“Your boat motor sounds awful” said Evan rudely

“I got screwed by that British talent show!” Susan boiled.

“One car company seems to be doing better than the other two,” Tom afforded.

“From now on, I’ll be texting everything I say!”, said Tom, all atwitter.

This isn’t the best of all possible worlds, Tom said candidly.
posted by wendell at 5:52 PM on June 6 [2 favorites]

"Planetary orbits are non-circular," Tom said...
posted by DU at 5:53 PM on June 6 [16 favorites]

"I don't get this" I said not gettingly.
posted by Free word order! at 5:53 PM on June 6 [2 favorites]

I'm kind of baffled by how many of the entrants don't seem to get the premise, and are just using overdetermined dialogue tags rather than creating puns.

“I prefer the dark,” said Tom delightedly.

Took me a while to get, and then, heh.
posted by RokkitNite at 5:57 PM on June 6

"Clearly," Walter clarified.
posted by WalterMitty at 5:58 PM on June 6

I never claimed they were all good - maybe 2-3 per comments page of 25 - but that's a pretty good percentage for anyplace except MeFi. And some are repairable: here's one I fixed for you...

"Done, and done again", Tom said redundantly.
posted by wendell at 6:02 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

box: "23"Virginia, Kentucky, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania are actually commonwealths," box stated."

Christ, what an asshole: "22"Insert here?" Richard asked eponysterically."

These two are fantastic. The semantic referent that the adverbial refers to is actually not there, but either referred to in absentia (box's example) or obliquely (Christ's example).

More please!
posted by iamkimiam at 6:02 PM on June 6

"Planetary orbits are non-circular," Tom said... obliquely.
posted by aladfar at 6:04 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

Yeah, that was pretty oblique. As was the Unix one. At least I can bask in my own self-assessment.
posted by DU at 6:06 PM on June 6

I don't think what I said made sense actually. It did for a second, when I wrote it, but now it doesn't.
posted by iamkimiam at 6:10 PM on June 6

"Fortunately Tom, these things work in reverse," the Pollack noted.
posted by polyhedron at 6:12 PM on June 6 [6 favorites]

"The best part of Star Trek Voyager was seeing Six from behind", Tom said asininely.
"It's a stretch, but I prefer uniform jokes", Tom closed plainly.
"I hate it when the toilet paper separates", Tom replied.
posted by namewithoutwords at 6:14 PM on June 6 [4 favorites]

DU is too cerebral for me; I prefer the proudly silly like...

"How do I get the horse to go this way?" he asked eponysterically (a-pony-steer... oh, nevermind)
posted by wendell at 6:15 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"Gimme a julep, hold the mint," box said dementedly.
posted by box at 6:16 PM on June 6

"Maybe that joke would work better with a Grasshopper," box said creamily.
posted by box at 6:19 PM on June 6

"Thank god for the Big Book of Adverbs" Tom said referentially.
posted by Serial Killer Slumber Party at 6:19 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"Hey, nice Aibo," box said dogmatically.
posted by box at 6:20 PM on June 6 [2 favorites]

(Six? She was a Seven...)
posted by artifarce at 6:22 PM on June 6

"That bastard's got it coming," Roman said crossly.
posted by polyhedron at 6:22 PM on June 6 [4 favorites]

"Six? She was a Seven...," artifarce added.
posted by box at 6:22 PM on June 6 [11 favorites]

(more of my fave stuff from the competition... remember, I like the proudly silly)

“Damn, I burned the pie…I’m gonna have to start again from scratch!” Tom retorted.

“Let us,” Tom said crisply.

I am not standing in a river, he said in denial.

“I can never remember the name of that street in Paris”, he said ruefully.

“I am on. I am so on. I am more on than anybody else,” Tom said, moronically but honestly.

“I’m a Vermont Maid,” she said surreptitiously.

“How am I? I ‘eel ‘ine, thanks,” Tom answered with an ineffable tone.

“A reporter should always ask ‘who, what, when and why,’” he said unwarily.
posted by wendell at 6:23 PM on June 6 [3 favorites]

"LAKERS IN FOUR!", he declared sweepingly.

"Fuck Kobe in the ass with a garden weasel" Ufez said justifiably.
posted by Ufez Jones at 6:27 PM on June 6

"I can't remember what retsina reminds me of," Tom opined.
posted by wanderingmind at 6:33 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"I’m looking for a peanut-based candy," she cracked brittlely.

"Is that “Africa” by Toto?," he inquired colorlessly.

"Darling, I've destroyed your skillet," she deadpanned.
posted by applemeat at 6:37 PM on June 6 [5 favorites]

"I have what kind of bowel syndrome?" Tom asked irritably.
posted by burnmp3s at 6:40 PM on June 6 [2 favorites]

DU is too cerebral for me; I prefer the proudly silly like...

"How do I get the horse to go this way?" he asked eponysterically (a-pony-steer... oh, nevermind)
posted by wendell at 6:15 PM on June 6

Well, then, how about:

"I've been riding this horse all day," grumbled Weston eponysterically.
posted by Maxson at 6:40 PM on June 6

'I think I got jizz on the carpet,' he ejaculated carelessly.
posted by RokkitNite at 6:49 PM on June 6 [21 favorites]

If we can have anti-limericks, what about anti-Swifties?

"Look Ma, no hands!" said Tom, waving his bloody stumps in the air.
posted by dunkadunc at 6:50 PM on June 6 [2 favorites]

“I inseminate hogs,” she inserted, hamfistedly.
posted by applemeat at 6:52 PM on June 6 [19 favorites]

(and MORE, not mine, but I heartily endorse from the linked contest)

“Always zombies…never mummies…” muttered Tom, cryptically.

“That celery looks delicious,” said the stalker.

“I know all about the Masons”, said Tom craftily

“The economy is in a free fall,” said Tom indecently.

“The ice caps are growing,” Tom said polemically

“The Cartwrights have lost the Ponderosa!” yelled Tom derangedly.

(and my favorite mistake:) “That damn Moby Dick took me forever to write,” Hemingway wailed
posted by wendell at 6:54 PM on June 6

"My, what a large grilled cheese sandwich!" said Tom euphemistically. But nobody could understand a word he said because of the enormous cock in his mouth.

Am I doing this right?
posted by ook at 6:59 PM on June 6 [13 favorites]

"It's a collection of German fairy tales," he recounted grimly.
posted by Abiezer at 7:00 PM on June 6

“I can never remember the name of that street in Paris”, he said ruefully.

Surely

"Great, stuck in a traffic jam in Paris" he said ruefully.
posted by maxwelton at 7:00 PM on June 6

"I love that new-car smell," box fumed.
posted by box at 7:03 PM on June 6

"Sure, you can have my gold mine," he exclaimed.
posted by maxwelton at 7:07 PM on June 6 [6 favorites]

Keep me posted, railed Tom.
posted by swift at 7:08 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

Tom silently signaled "she's not my type!" with frantic hand gestures.
posted by maxwelton at 7:11 PM on June 6

“Just let that fucking cat try it again,” he countered with alarm.
posted by applemeat at 7:12 PM on June 6 [2 favorites]

"This pencil needs to be sharpened," Tom said pointedly.
posted by Shohn at 7:14 PM on June 6

"It's too dark in here," he said politely.
posted by rbellon at 7:15 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"I want all the shrimp and scallops to myself," he declared selfishly.
posted by rbellon at 7:18 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

(more Picks from the NYTimes Blog... I take no credit or blame, except I LIKE these)

“Would it kill you to press a pair of pants?”, Tom asked without irony.

‘Too bad, I guess I’ll just have to buy a Volvo’, Tom sobbed.

“Neither front nor back,” Tom sighed.

“I think we’re lost…” he trailed off.

“I like to write poetry about U-boats.”, said Tom subversively.

“I thought we were going to crash,” Tom went on to explain.

“We will bury you!”, said Kruschev gravely.
posted by wendell at 7:19 PM on June 6

"I'll never guess the identity of the Dark Knight." Tom said balefully.
posted by oneirodynia at 7:20 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

“That’s it! I’ve had it with this infinite stream of people coming in with diarrhea and the giggles!” said Dr. Tom enthusiastically.
posted by greatgefilte at 7:21 PM on June 6

"You're not the worst tennis player I've ever seen," he said backhandedly.
posted by rbellon at 7:25 PM on June 6

"Stop impersonating me on the Twitter!" Kanye said puffily.
posted by erniepan at 7:26 PM on June 6

"I'll need to apply myself", Tom stuck on.
posted by pointilist at 7:32 PM on June 6

"Ow, my balls!" exclaimed Tom, testily.
posted by Xoebe at 7:39 PM on June 6 [4 favorites]

"Tastes better with a slice of cheese," Tom smiled craftily.
posted by Abiezer at 7:39 PM on June 6

"It's probably the best-known film studio in the UK," Tom opined woodenly.
posted by Abiezer at 7:44 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"I'm going to go with the flow," Tom said and meant.
posted by wannalol at 7:48 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"I'm locked into Rastafarian style haircuts," Tom added dreadfully.
posted by Loudmax at 7:52 PM on June 6

"We've got 2000 swifties!" Tom said not-many-of-them-goodly.

I mean: "Puns are the lowest form of humor" Tom said theres-over-2000-goddamn-many-of-these-ly.

I mean: "Why am I posting here?" mazola said thread-shittingly.
posted by mazola at 7:53 PM on June 6

"A samurai must always be faithful to his lord," Musashi said gently.
posted by erniepan at 7:59 PM on June 6

"I can't remember what I was supposed to buy from the grocery store," he said listlessly.

"I've bitten my fingernails all the way down," Tom quickly exclaimed.

"The angle of your teeth will need correction," said the dentist bracingly.

"Okay, no more assassin robots from the future," she said determinedly.

"At root, it's hash," the eunuchs prompted.
posted by Loudmax at 8:06 PM on June 6 [4 favorites]

In the spirit of DU's:

"I've not yet mastered shell scripting," Tom admitted abashedly.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:14 PM on June 6 [2 favorites]

"I've determined the nature of your inheritance," said the old man willfully.

"Why, this train would never go off the rails," said the conductor distractedly.

"Hold your nose until we get out of the sewer," said Tom instinctively.

"I better stop now," said Max loudly.
posted by Loudmax at 8:16 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"The rain in Spain, mainly," said Tom plainly.
posted by Dumsnill at 8:22 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"I don't care if you don't like it, I will say it anyway," said Tom trocheeishly.
posted by Twang at 8:24 PM on June 6

OK, unix Tom Swifties are good...

"emacs sucks," Tom vied.

DU's was better.
posted by 7segment at 8:32 PM on June 6

Tom said something once in ASL, unremarkably.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:42 PM on June 6

"I prefer a darker bread for my pastrami," Tom said wryly.
posted by jonp72 at 8:45 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"Check out this labyrinth!" Tom said amazedly.
posted by jonp72 at 8:46 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"Do you really think I could help you write this book?" Tom asked bemusedly.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:47 PM on June 6

"I was attacked by wasps on the way to work," Tom bemoaned.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 8:50 PM on June 6

(from the blog contest...)

“Texas has the best state capitol of them all!” Tom remarked ostentatiously.

“I’m here to pick up the new dining room furniture,” said Tom comfortably.

“You’re an inch taller since your last exam,” the doctor said gruesomely.

I dropped my camera cried Tom, Bellowing and Howelling

“Because of your actions, you will be burned in Hell,” Tom said sincerely.

“Australia is just full of those jumping mammals”, said Tom ruefully.

“Sorry about the teethmarks” he told his girlfriend bitterly.

“I will not eat them in a box. I will not eat them with a fox,” Tom said insouciantly.
posted by wendell at 8:54 PM on June 6

"Yeah! Do it! Delete the entire system tree!" Tom rooted.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 8:54 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"I wonder if someone come up with a recursive one", Tom lisped.
posted by Dr Dracator at 8:58 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

My favorite from the comments: "“What’s your favorite vegetable?” she asked broccoli."
posted by pracowity at 9:00 PM on June 6 [3 favorites]

"You people sound like a bunch of fairies", Tom trolled.
posted by orme at 9:03 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"Alright - let's start from the very beginning," said Tom grubbily.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:04 PM on June 6

As she stepped over the threshold, he said "You look adorable."
posted by nickyskye at 9:10 PM on June 6

"Your favorite pun sucks!", Tom exclaimed.
posted by orme at 9:15 PM on June 6

"Hey, look, he fractured his arm!" Tom broke in humorously.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:19 PM on June 6 [4 favorites]

"Did I say that, or just think it?," box allowed.
posted by box at 9:20 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"My sheep on the mountain graze," Tom yodeled.

"'Sister Act' is my favorite movie," Tom enunciated.

"Ptooie," Charles T. "Rex" Pecht orated.

"I you he she it we they," Tom pronounced.
posted by notswedish at 9:21 PM on June 6

"I feel like you all are referring to me personally", Tom pronounced.
posted by orme at 9:24 PM on June 6

HA!
posted by orme at 9:24 PM on June 6

"... And that's how I killed a grizzly with a baseball bat" said Tom unbearably.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:27 PM on June 6

I just want to say I love stuff like this.

That's all. Go back about your business.
posted by HostBryan at 9:30 PM on June 6

"Hot shit on fire, do I ever love baseball," said Tom foully. "Ass!"
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:33 PM on June 6

"Is this chicken salad safe to eat?" asked Nicholi.
posted by orme at 9:34 PM on June 6

"I've dropped my toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.
posted by namasaya at 9:35 PM on June 6 [4 favorites]

"Look at that big, ugly animal over there," said Tom, hypocritically.
posted by namasaya at 9:36 PM on June 6 [7 favorites]

"Joy! Joy! I've succeeded in cloning myself!", said Tom, beside himself with joy.
posted by namasaya at 9:37 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"Yes it is. Anyway, here's my CV," Tom resumed, adding, "I've worked two years where I am now and three years at my previous employer. Six years altogether. Hm. Wait, that's not right," he said nonplussed.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:38 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"I'm looking to hire a new boss", Tom managed.
posted by orme at 9:40 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"I must have that vasectomy!" Tom demanded.
posted by orme at 9:42 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"Christ, what an asshole", was Tom's cross analysis.
posted by orme at 9:44 PM on June 6

"I'll give you that vasectomy, Tom", the doctor disseminated.
posted by orme at 9:47 PM on June 6

"Those look like dee-diddly-doe-diddly-deer droppings," box scatted.
posted by box at 9:47 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

(more from the contest, not me, he said Keenely)
“Dad, these shoes are your sister’s,” said Tom, pedantically.
“I’m cutting off all your hair,” said the barber distressingly.
“All the auditorium seats from A1 to A15 have broken,” Tom said robustly.
“Thousands upon thousands now have H1N1,” he said mellifluously.
“Are the fish not biting, or did the worm fall off my hook?” Tom debated.
“R U ok in prison? asked Tom, contextually.
“Someone has stolen the electric stove from the duke’s palatial home!” Tom shouted in a deranged manner.
“I could have sworn I killed that vampire!” Tom said mistakenly.
“Just reel out a little more cable,” the TV installer said coaxingly.
“I’ve always wanted a fish pond,” Tom said coyly, “but these fish are big and ugly!” he carped.
“It’s a poem about an underwater boat,” said Tom subversively.
I only steal french bread, said tom painstakingly.
“Wow, that river sure is moving” said Tom and Dick, concurrently.
posted by wendell at 9:54 PM on June 6

"I'm running out of puns", said Tom emptily.
posted by orme at 9:55 PM on June 6

"Damn! that razor is sharp."Tom said cuttingly
posted by hortense at 9:55 PM on June 6

"Why yes, I do prefer pussy!" said Gaye openly.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 10:00 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"Hey, I've never had a cavity in my life," Tom said precariously.
posted by aws17576 at 10:02 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"Oh, I have a cavity? Eh, it'll heal," Tom said recalcitrantly.
posted by aws17576 at 10:02 PM on June 6

"The customer is always right," said Virgil peremptorily.
posted by aws17576 at 10:04 PM on June 6

"Can I bust up that chifferobe?" Tom aksed.
posted by flarbuse at 10:09 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"Isn't this just two sticks nailed together perpendicularly?" Tom cross-examined.
posted by rmless at 10:11 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

"I'm stood out here in the garden fishing," called Tom gnomically.
posted by Abiezer at 10:11 PM on June 6 [2 favorites]

"Should I eat that, or break up with it?," box asked me.
posted by box at 10:13 PM on June 6 [2 favorites]

"That wall is appears to be leaning away from us," said Tom obtusely, and then muttered, "My dog would love this."
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:14 PM on June 6

(I could read these all night, and probably will... more from the contest...)
I prefer to garden organically, said Tom, shooing the pest aside.
“That’s no bull.” Tom uttered.
“Putting on underwear helps me meditate,” she said brazenly.
“That’s the third electric shock I’ve gotten this week!” Tom said, revolted.
“I told you before, I like my pasta al dente,” said Tom firmly.
“See–the boogie-man isn’t under your bed,” Tom demonstrated.
“I’d rather have a real motorcycle,” Tom moped.

The Most - Too Much! - Repeated from the Contest:
Evergreen tree puns with "opined"
Prisoners coming down the stairs "condescending"
George Hamilton "tangentally"
"tireless" car jokes
Dropped toothpaste "crestfallen"
Missing flowers "lackadaisically"
'80s music "adamantly" (which shouldn't qualify because he picked the stage name as a intentional pun on 'adamant'. And you can do better.)
Fertilizer "repeating"
"doleful" pineapple
posted by wendell at 10:19 PM on June 6

"Man, this band really sucks," said Tom disconcertedly, and turned to his dad, who apparently wasn't enjoying it, either.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:20 PM on June 6

"Firstly, the moon's made of cheese; second, Saddam did have WMDs; third, centrifugal force is just sideways gravity; and lastly, this is nothing more than the set-up for a bad pun," said Tom, forthrightly.
posted by Abiezer at 10:24 PM on June 6 [4 favorites]

"I can has cheezburger?" Tom sayz. Lolz.
posted by hillabeans at 10:28 PM on June 6

"I have successfully edited Molly Ringwold out of The Breakfast Club!" Tom declared.
posted by deadbilly at 10:41 PM on June 6 [5 favorites]

"Tomorrow, the professor will lecture on the early evolution of male genitalia," Tom predicted.

"Thanks for letting me crash at your place!" Tom said flatulently.
posted by deadbilly at 10:43 PM on June 6

"I'm working hard on a formula that will enable me to pickle men," Tom said diligently.
posted by deadbilly at 10:45 PM on June 6 [2 favorites]

"I do enjoy camping," Tom said intently.
posted by donmateo at 10:53 PM on June 6

(these are MINE)

"I write jokes for Internet Cats", Tom said, lollygagging.

"I never MetaFilter I didn't like," Tom declared Willingly, and the crowd replied with "Rogers".

"I can't figure out Cortex," Tom said cerebrally.

"I Twitter about my underwear," tom said briefly.

"Second-rate inspiration..." Tom bemused.

"I've been eaten by a rightwing talkradio star!" Tom said, in a Rush.

"Yes, I'm a hacker," Tom coughed.

"I know I suck at this," Tom said vacuously.
posted by wendell at 10:54 PM on June 6 [2 favorites]

"I'm going without my wife," Tom said ruthlessly.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:55 PM on June 6

"It was... it was... soap poisoning!" Ralphie lied.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:56 PM on June 6

"She will be the next to retire," the court ruled ruthlessly.

"I've decided to stop publicly criticizing my political adversaries," said Rush abashedly.

"I'm all out of breath mints," Tom asserted.

"Just a few off the top of my head," Zippy capitulated.
posted by Herodios at 11:03 PM on June 6

"I've started hearing things that aren't there," Tom said eerily.

These tickle me.
posted by Awakened at 11:05 PM on June 6

"KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!" Kirk screamed, uproariously.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:21 PM on June 6

"I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure," Ripley exploded radiantly.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:24 PM on June 6

"I shouldn't have eaten that laundry detergent," said Tom Cheerfully.
posted by scose at 11:31 PM on June 6

"Never have I been happier," said a restored Tireisias, ungallantly.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 11:59 PM on June 6

"Estoy embarazada," she said shamefully.
posted by iamkimiam at 1:17 AM on June 7

"C'est n'est pas une pipe," Magritte painted.
posted by iamkimiam at 1:20 AM on June 7

"I'm not a hipster!" said the girl wearing the trucker hat and skinny leg jeans holding a can of Pabst in one hand and a vegan noodle bowl in the other while standing next to her fixed gear bike in front of Buffalo Exchange ironically.
posted by iamkimiam at 1:27 AM on June 7 [2 favorites]

"Luke, I am your father!" said Darth Vader forcefully.
posted by iamkimiam at 1:34 AM on June 7

Favourite from the NY Times comments "I'll just have to kill the king," Reggie sighed.

'Allo 'Allo! here's something for fans of 80s British sitcoms

"Listen very carefully. I shall say this only once" she said repeatedly.
posted by electricinca at 1:38 AM on June 7

more from the contest (if captured, the wendell will disavow any knowledge...)

“It’s all so clear to me now!” said Seymour plainly.
(somebody's) grandmother’s favorite: They were out of bananas, said Tom fruitlessly.
“Trust me on this - they won’t want the Kippers”, said Tom, unerringly.
“We’re having scallopini again,” Tom revealed.
“Tell your son to stop playing with matches!” shrieked Tom, flamboyantly.
“My life would be easier if I had a pet collie,” said TomTim, with lassitude.
It’s an ill-wind, said the man with gusto.
“What’s under this green jello,” Tom asked sublimely.
“Who will say $100,” the auctioneer asked morbidly.
“Fee, Fo, Fum,” the giant said defiantly.
“Yes, we have no bananas,” sang Tom fruitlessly.
“I am a former Jeopardy champion,” bragged Tom exquisitely.
“That’s a non-stop train,’ expressed Tom.
”They’ve rounded off the top of the door,” said Tom archly.
“I really love my new parrott,” the Somali pirate said polyamorously.
“A few of us have infiltrated the KGB,” said Tom inspiringly.
“We’ll never get all this hay on the wagon’”, said Tom balefully.

...and I'm only up to #1000
posted by wendell at 2:05 AM on June 7

"This suit is made from a single piece of cloth" said Tom seamlessly.
posted by hardcode at 2:09 AM on June 7

"I rejected her because she wasn't the right type," Tom mimed.
posted by maxwelton at 2:21 AM on June 7

"This earthquake is getting me down", Tom grumbled.

"I love fondue", he said cheesily.

"This divorce is costing me a fortune!" Tom exclaimed.
posted by cbrody at 2:22 AM on June 7

"All rise!" the bailiff said woodenly.
posted by maxwelton at 2:23 AM on June 7

"I'll mail you the dip recipe over my dead body", Chris said posthumously.
posted by cbrody at 2:34 AM on June 7 [1 favorite]

"We won't miss the ship", Tom said assuredly.
posted by cbrody at 2:40 AM on June 7

"I've been subjected to one scam after another", Tom reported consequentially.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:37 AM on June 7 [1 favorite]

"I've corrected the errors in your reverse polish notation", Charles said forthrightly.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:43 AM on June 7 [1 favorite]

"This is my brother Peter, and his friend of the same name", Tom repeated.

"Goodbye, cruel world", Sue E. sighed.

"I'm going to take my ____ to the ____", Tom denounced.

"It's just a tiny little bit of smoke", Tom whispered.

"I WANT VANILLA", I screamed.

"Sorry to have fell on you", he honoured. "I'll be up in a second", he offered.

"No Entry", Tom signed.

"I must learn this. I must learn this. I must learn this", Tom wrote.
posted by twirlypen at 4:40 AM on June 7 [2 favorites]

This will not end well said Wendell, apocalyptically.
posted by Xurando at 5:07 AM on June 7

I like writing letters, JtJ posted.
posted by JtJ at 5:51 AM on June 7 [1 favorite]

Wiping the blood and meat from his coat, Tom said "That was abominable."
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 6:54 AM on June 7 [1 favorite]

“I happen to be of Middle-Eastern descent,” Tom Said.
posted by applemeat at 8:26 AM on June 7 [1 favorite]

"Why?" asked Tom penultimately.
posted by ErWenn at 8:38 AM on June 7

Because.
posted by swift at 8:47 AM on June 7

"Because," said all swift-like.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:13 AM on June 7

"This rocket came from outer space!", Tom said, exorbitantly.

"Look under the green Jell-O," he said, sublimely.

"I need a flower for my lapel," he said, lackadaisically.

"I think I'm gay," Tom said, half in Earnest.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 9:55 AM on June 7 [3 favorites]

"I don't think we will send you for compulsory psychiatric treatment," said Dr Tom, noncommittally.
posted by Abiezer at 10:19 AM on June 7

"I'm not a racist, that's what so insane about this" Kramer said niggardly.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 11:34 AM on June 7

Ugh. What I meant to type, way back then, was:

"I've been riding this horsecow all day," grumbled Weston eponysterically.

I return you to your proofreading superiors.
posted by Maxson at 12:06 PM on June 7

"This marker is remarkable at marking redundant marks," remarked Mark markedly redundantly.

"Hmm, this penny's misshapen," Tom said absently.

"Ricky, don't lose that number," said Dan steely.
posted by hypersloth at 1:25 PM on June 7

"I bet we can bring down the walls of Jericho," Joshua said, sounding horny.
posted by hypersloth at 1:34 PM on June 7

"I think we're going to need a longer boat.", he said sternly.
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 1:40 PM on June 7

"See you in church!" said Tom vicariously.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 1:43 PM on June 7 [1 favorite]

"I feel like an oxymoron," hypersloth yelled silently.

"Just a small amount of butter please," said Pat sparingly.

"Bullseye!" spotted Mark, accurately.
posted by hypersloth at 1:57 PM on June 7

"This champagne's delicious!" bubbled Dom effervescently.

"I'm just gonna lay on a raft in the pool all day," said Bob, lazily.

"Tea?" asked Earl briskly.

Jeez I can't stop.
posted by hypersloth at 2:15 PM on June 7

"I've been listening to Tim Simenon's late 80s/early 90s DJ dance electronica," said Tom bombastically.
posted by Abiezer at 2:43 PM on June 7 [1 favorite]

"So I'm guessing twos can be anything in this poker game," Tom deduced wildly.
posted by hypersloth at 3:14 PM on June 7 [2 favorites]

"If we're playing poker, why am I trying to shoot the moon?," said box heartily.
posted by box at 6:51 PM on June 7

"Uhh Leroy, what's with the pocket protector?," Tom asked pensively.
posted by mulligan at 8:43 PM on June 7

"Why, I'm facing the bird now," he said awkwardly.
posted by bicyclefish at 11:44 PM on June 7 [2 favorites]

"And then, I sewed arms and legs onto the torso", Dr. Moreau said rememberingly.
posted by The Toad at 3:34 AM on June 8 [1 favorite]

"I declare Humpty to be the King!" said Tom egregiously.

SHEESH!
posted by Jofus at 3:55 AM on June 8

"I'll have the pancakes...no the crepes...no an eggo..." waffled Tom
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 6:51 AM on June 8 [1 favorite]

"This is the best internet competition ever!!!" said Tom hyperbolically
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 6:54 AM on June 8

"This is, and is not, a Tom Swifty" said Tom paradoxically.
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 8:47 AM on June 8

...or should it be:

"This is not a Tom Swifty" said Tom paradoxically
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 8:47 AM on June 8

"I can't stop biting my fingernails down too far," Tom quickly cut in.
posted by hypersloth at 11:20 PM on June 8

"I can't cut this damn steak," Said Tom, bluntly.
posted by featherboa at 5:52 AM on June 9

"En Garde!" parried Barb, feeling foiled again.
posted by hypersloth at 1:09 AM on June 10

Okay, I had a dream in which people were sharing these, so I'm going to add in my own, late, even if no one sees them.

"From the halls of Montezuma, to the shores of"
"From the halls of Montezuma, to the shores of"
"From the halls of Montezuma, to the shores of"
He forgot, triply.

"What has three letters and is a large flightless bird?" he asked awkwardly.

"Who has Erdley?"
"Hap," he answered haphazardly.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 6:29 AM on June 18