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June 12, 2009 5:00 PM   Subscribe

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?" Warning: autoplay on first link.

A smidgen of background information here and here.
posted by Horace Rumpole (94 comments total) 36 users marked this as a favorite

 
A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar.

And the horse goes, "I'm in the wrong joke!"
posted by Mikey-San at 5:11 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


Their server is the joke AMIRITE *crater*
posted by cavalier at 5:20 PM on June 12, 2009


Midget walks into a bar and slips in a great big pile of shit. Gets up, brushes himself off, orders a beer.
Big, burly construction-worker-type walks into the bar. Slips in the pile of shit. Stands up.
Midget pipes up, "Man, I just did that!"
And the big, burly construction-worker-type punches the midget's lights out.
posted by heyho at 5:22 PM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


A man walks into a drug store with his 9-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy (who obviously knows the answer, but wants to know if his dad will give him a proper answer or not) asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son... Men use them to have safe sex." Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy." He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
posted by netbros at 5:25 PM on June 12, 2009 [11 favorites]


A man walks into a bar. Says to the barman, "Gimme 4 double whiskies".

Barman raises his eyebrows, but goes ahead and pours out four double whiskies.

Man downs all four double whiskies, one after another.

Man says to the barman, "I shouldn't really have had them - what with what I've got".

Barman says, "Why? What have you got?"

Man replies, "50 cents".
posted by idiomatika at 5:41 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his fly.

The bartentder says, "what's with the wheel?"

Pirate replies "Arr, it's twisting my penis!"
posted by potch at 5:49 PM on June 12, 2009 [29 favorites]


Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.
posted by never used baby shoes at 5:49 PM on June 12, 2009 [4 favorites]




A string lives in a town with a strict segregation policy which forbids strings from being served in bars. However, it's well-known that one of the bartenders at the most popular bar in town is badly myopic, like, we're talking Mr. Magoo here, and for whatever reason refuses to get glasses. So the string thinks, ah, maybe I'll go when I know that guy is tending bar, and maybe he won't notice I'm a string.

So one evening he heads over to the bar and orders a drink (what do strings drink? I don't know... let's say he orders a screwdriver or something). The bartender starts to get the string his drink, but then leans over, squints, blinks, squints again, rubs his eyes, squints, and then shouts "... HEY... you're a STRING! Get out of my bar! You know strings aren't allowed in here!"

The string goes home quite dejected, but then decides that since it took so long for the bartender to realize his stringishness, he should try to go in on a really busy night, hoping that the bartender won't have enough time to go through his big squint-and-blink routine. So the next Saturday, he goes in at the busiest time of night, walks up to the bar, and orders a screwdriver (or whatever). The bartender starts to make him his drink, but then catches on to there being something different about this particular patron. He squints, he blinks, he shouts "Goddammit! You're that STRING from the other night! Get the hell out of my bar!"

The string, completely heartbroken, returns home. The next morning the string, filled with bleak resolve, goes down to the Greyhound station and gets on the first bus that comes by. And then, that evening, in a fleabag motel hundreds of miles from home and even farther from anywhere strings are truly welcome, the string blows his own stringy brains out.

The next week, a horse goes into the bar with the nearsighted bartender. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender can tell that there's something wrong, something different about this customer. He leans over the bar, squints, blinks a few times, and then says "Goddammit all to hell! Are you that STRING that keeps trying to come in here?"

Deeply confused, the horse replies: "No, I'm afraid not."
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 5:58 PM on June 12, 2009 [21 favorites]


What's a foot long and slippery?

A stick!
posted by inigo2 at 6:01 PM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


NOTE: this joke works better in person, as it requires a visual cue.

John the Baptist walks into a bar.

Bartender says "How's it going?"

John the Baptist shakes his head and says "Don't ever let Jesus tell you his stories about when he went fishing"

Bartender says "Why's that?"

John the Baptist stands up and extends his arms out all the way to either side

"Every fish is this god damn big!"
posted by chambers at 6:04 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


So I went to the doctor and showed him this green herb that had appeared on the backs of my palms.

He said: 'Your problem is you've got too much thyme on your hands.'
posted by RokkitNite at 6:04 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


Why can't you tell jokes about the Jonestown massacre?

The punchlines are too long.
posted by brundlefly at 6:07 PM on June 12, 2009 [45 favorites]


An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained;

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to."
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 6:18 PM on June 12, 2009 [13 favorites]


Why can't you tell jokes about the Jonestown massacre?

This must be along the same lines as the jokes about Idi Amin whose punchline was "He was just trying to keep up with the Joneses."
posted by maxwelton at 6:19 PM on June 12, 2009


What's brown and sticky?

.
.
.

A stick.
posted by ixohoxi at 6:25 PM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


the
posted by Sailormom at 6:28 PM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


Ten elephants walk into a bar.

One say to another: "big bar."
posted by googly at 6:29 PM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


A man walks into a bar. He orders a pint of guinness and a pork pie. He drinks the guinness, puts the pork pie on his shoulder and walks out.

The barman is baffled.

Next day, same thing. Pint of guinness, pork pie. Drinks guinness, pork pie on shoulder, walks out.

Barman is even more baffled.

Next day, man walks in again. Orders pint of guinness and a pork pie. Barman now wise to his tricks, decides to fuck with him. Gives him the pint of guinness and says:

"Sorry, but we're all out of pork pies".

The man doesn't miss a beat. "Salt and vinegar crisps, then."

The barman gives him the crisps. The man drinks the guinness, puts the packet of crisps on his shoulder and walks out.

As he's at the door, the barman yells after him: "Wait! Wait!"

The man turns. "What's the problem?"

"I'm sorry, but I have to know. Why have you got a packet of crisps on your shoulder?" asks the barman.

"Well", says the man, "you were out of pork pies".
posted by unSane at 6:37 PM on June 12, 2009 [8 favorites]


Man walks into a bar with a small amphibian on his shoulder.

"Pint of guinness, and a shandy for Tiny".

As the barman pours, he asks "Why'd you call him Tiny?"

"Because he's my newt", says the man.
posted by unSane at 6:40 PM on June 12, 2009 [6 favorites]


You know what they say about men with big feet, right?....




They have big shoes.
posted by shoebox at 6:41 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


Guy walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a shot. As he's tossing back the shot, he notices a bunch of pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling. So he asks the bartender what's up with the meat.

The bartender answers: "Ever since this bar opened, we've had a standing bet: anyone who can jump from a standing position, grab a piece of meat, and remove it from the ceiling gets free drinks for the next year."

The guy thinks this is a good bet, and decides to take the bartender up on it. But, just as he is preparing to jump, the bartender says: "Oh, one more thing. If you fail, you have to buy everyone in the bar a round."

The guy looks around, sees that the bar is packed. "There must be 200 people in here," he thinks, "that's going to come to at least a thousand dollars if I lose." He looks up at the ceiling. The pieces of meat - looks like beef, possibly ribeye or tenderloin - look reachable, but its tough to tell.

After a few minutes, the bartender becomes impatient. "OK, what's it going to be. You up for this bet or not?"

The guy thinks for a couple seconds more, studies the ceiling for a long moment, finally replies:

"Nah. I'll pass. The steaks are too high."
posted by googly at 6:48 PM on June 12, 2009 [11 favorites]


It's the first night of the honeymoon, and the newlyweds are getting undressed for bed. He takes off his shoes and socks, and she sees that his toes are hideous, all discolored and misshapen.

She says, "My god, what happened to your toes?"

He says, "Don't worry about it. When I was a kid, I had a childhood case of toelio."

He takes off his pants, and she sees that his knees are disgusting, all lumpy and red.

She says, "My god, what happened to your knees?"

He says, "Don't worry about it. I had a childhood case of kneesles."

Then he takes off his underwear.

She says, "Wait, wait, don't tell me-- smallcox."
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:50 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


A guy goes on and on and on with a shaggy-dog story. His friend says, "I know this is a joke, but why the long phase?"
posted by lukemeister at 6:58 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


60s humor:

Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?

To get to the other side.
posted by philip-random at 7:14 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


or ... on review:

Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?

To break on through to the other side.

Yes, I am the kind of guy that doesn't know how to tell a joke.
posted by philip-random at 7:16 PM on June 12, 2009 [3 favorites]


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?





A stick.
posted by webhund at 7:35 PM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.''

The bear replies, ''I guess I will have a soda instead.''

So the bear and the bartender talk over nonalcoholic drinks all night about the reality of interspecies communication.

===========================

Why aren't there any Mexicans on Star Trek?

Well, that's a highly debatable assumption. First, one only sees a small fraction of the Terran population on the show, so there is no reason to assume that any ethnic group is unrepresented in that vision of the future. Secondly, there have been several notable characters played by actors of Hispanic descent. Recently, these include Robert Beltran (Chakotay) and Roxann Dawson (B'Elanna Torres). Interestingly enough, Dawson seems to have changed her last name from Caballero, perhaps in order to reduce the risk of being typecast because of her ethnicity. Star Trek in general seems to be very progressive with respect to using diverse casts, as evidenced by the first interracial kiss on The Original Series, and the introduction of Chekov during the height of the Cold War.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 7:41 PM on June 12, 2009 [9 favorites]


So Roy Rogers is sitting on his rocking chair on the front porch of his ranch house admiring the sunset and he takes off his brand new pair of Tony Lama rattlesnake boots and sets them next to the chair as he goes inside to get a glass of lemonade. When he returns, his boots are gone. He looks out into the field and sees a cougar chewing on his boots. He reaches inside and grabs his trusty rifle and shoots the cougar dead. He drags the cougar and what is left of his boots back up to the porch. The shot alerted his neighbor, who came over to make sure everything was alright. The neighbor walks up to the porch, sees the cougar and the boots, then asks," Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
posted by Balisong at 7:59 PM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


An American, and Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar and each order a pint of beer.

A fly lands in the Englishman's beer and he starts a bit, then politely asks the bartender "My dear chap, I've had a small mishap with a fly! Would you be so kind as to get me another pint of bitter, old boy? Thanks so much."

A few minutes later, by random chance, another fly lands in the American's beer. He cocks an eyebrow, picks it out with his fingers, flicks it away, and continues drinking.

By an amazing coincidence, another fly lands in the Irishman's beer. He quickly pinches the fly out, holds it over the glass and yells "Alright, spit it out, ya bastard!"
posted by zardoz at 8:20 PM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


A baby seal walked into a club.
posted by dancestoblue at 8:23 PM on June 12, 2009 [5 favorites]


So this seal walks into a bar, bar-keep says "Whatcha gonna have?" seal says "Well, pretty much anything but a canadian club on the rocks."
posted by dancestoblue at 8:24 PM on June 12, 2009 [9 favorites]


So there are these little smurf-like creatures called Trids. All they ever ate were Tridberries. Unfortunately, the Tridberry bushes only grew at the top of a tall mountain guarded by an evil troll who hated Trids. Every time the Trids would send out a party to gather up Tridberries, the troll would kick them back down the mountain. Well the Trids were getting very hungry and implored a traveling Rabbi to talk to the troll into letting them gather some berries. The Rabbi could see that the poor little Trids were suffering badly and agreed. Three of the bravest and strongest Trids accompanied the Rabbi up the mountain to show him where the bushes were. As they approached the bushes, the evil troll came storming out of his cave, grabbed the Trids and kicked them back down the mountain to their village. The Rabbi shook with fear as the evil troll came over to him and eyed him for a minute before walking back to his cave. The Rabbi called out to the troll, "Why do you not kick me off this mountain?"
The troll replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
posted by Balisong at 8:26 PM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


So we all know that Gandhi was one of the most gifted spiritual leaders of his time, but often times certain personal features get left out of the biographies. For instance, due to his frequent barefoot marches, the soles of his feet were nearly half an inch thick. Further his hunger strikes left him enfeebled and caused his breath to smell terrible. These attributes, of course, made Gandhi...

A super-callous fragile mystic plagued by halitosis.
posted by The White Hat at 8:40 PM on June 12, 2009 [7 favorites]


Six blind elephants were arguing about what humans are like. They decided to each touch a human and report what they felt. The first blind elephant said, "Humans are flat." The other five elephants agreed.
posted by shetterly at 8:55 PM on June 12, 2009 [25 favorites]


So a lame dog wanders into a Western town. He encounters the sheriff:

"Howdy, Lame Dog."
"Howdy, Sheriff."

The lame dog walks on. He encounters the school marm:

"Well, hello there, Lame Dog!"
"Howdy, ma'am."

The lame dog walks on. He goes into the saloon.

"Well, what will ya have, Lame Dog?" asks the barkeep.
"Gimme a shot of Red Eye," says the lame dog.

The bartender pours the drink. While the dog is lapping it up, he asks, "What brings you to town, Lame Dog?"

The lame dog holds up one leg. "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."
posted by SPrintF at 9:10 PM on June 12, 2009 [5 favorites]


Wanna hear a parlour joke?
A man and a woman were fucking in a parlour...
posted by signal at 9:11 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


John Wayne walks into a bar, and everybody in the bar turns around (mime turning around) and goes "Hey, it's John Wayne!" and he's all blasé and stuff. Then he walks into the back room, and everybody turns around from their gambling tables (mime turning around) and goes "Hey, it's John Wayne!" and John acts all gruff and indiferent. Then he goes to the bathroom, and when he comes out, he's got piss all over his pants, really bad. So everybody starts laughing, and pointing, and going "John Wayne pissed himself!". And he goes "Shaddup! You'd have piss on your pants too if when you walk into the bathroom everybody goes 'Hey it's John Wayne!' (mime turning around holding your penis)"
posted by signal at 9:14 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:26 PM on June 12, 2009 [13 favorites]


Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:30 PM on June 12, 2009 [7 favorites]


Drunk staggers into a bar.
"Tarbender, how big is a penguin?"
"Oh, about a foot tall."
"Ya sure? Could it be, maybe, five feet tall?"
"No. I think the biggest ones are only about three feet tall."

"Crap! I just ran over a nun."
posted by hexatron at 9:38 PM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:38 PM on June 12, 2009 [8 favorites]


First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:39 PM on June 12, 2009 [3 favorites]


I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?!
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:39 PM on June 12, 2009 [15 favorites]


I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:41 PM on June 12, 2009 [6 favorites]


I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:42 PM on June 12, 2009 [3 favorites]


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:43 PM on June 12, 2009 [14 favorites]


So there has been a Blob, Spiderman, and Creepshow reference already? Alright what about the Spielberg TV show where the meteor hits earth near the kids house and he becomes magnetized? Yeah that's right, this kid is magnetized and they're going to pair him with the really unpopular girl because she is the magnetic opposite!
posted by P.o.B. at 9:54 PM on June 12, 2009


Why'd the first monkey fall out of a tree?

Cause it was dead.
posted by gofargogo at 10:02 PM on June 12, 2009


Why'd the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Cause it was dead.
posted by gofargogo at 10:03 PM on June 12, 2009


Why'd the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Cause it was dead.
posted by gofargogo at 10:03 PM on June 12, 2009


Why'd the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
posted by gofargogo at 10:03 PM on June 12, 2009


Because it was dead?
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 10:05 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


No! Peer Pressure!

Now, why did the chicken fall out of the tree?

Cause it was STAPLED TO THE MONKEY!!!




(Sorry, I only remember two jokes, and that's one of them. The second one is worse).
posted by gofargogo at 10:08 PM on June 12, 2009 [6 favorites]




What goes ha ha ha ha ha ha ha bonk?


A man laughing his head off.
posted by sixswitch at 10:26 PM on June 12, 2009


A scientist wants to reduce my body temperature to minus 273 degrees Celsius.

My wife says it'll kill me, but I think I'll be 0K.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 10:50 PM on June 12, 2009 [34 favorites]


Mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." Mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy...!"
posted by abc123xyzinfinity at 10:56 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


A man walks into a bar.
The bartender says "what'll you have?"
The man says "gimme a double whisky before my troubles start."
The bartender serves him. He picks up the drink and bangs it back in one shot.
"Set me up again," he says, "before my trouble starts."
The bartender sets him up again. Again he pounds it back in one shot.
"Gimme another before my trouble starts."
Then, as he belts back his third double, the bartender says, "That'll be fifteen dollars."
The man says "Now my trouble starts..."

(told to me this morning by my precocious 11-year-old son).
posted by spacely_sprocket at 11:16 PM on June 12, 2009 [4 favorites]


A beautiful blonde in a short skirt gets onto an elevator, and stands in the corner opposite a grizzled old man in a tattered coat. After the elevator gets under way, the man leans unsteadily forward, leering at the blonde, and asks, "Can I smell your crotch?"

Recoiling, she sputters, "What? No! You can't!"

The man wavers momentarily, then mutters, "Oh...must be your feet, then."
posted by Xoebe at 11:27 PM on June 12, 2009 [5 favorites]


A man walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sits down and places the box on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the box. The man opens the box and pulls out a little man about a foot tall, a small piano, and a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" marvels the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the box again, this time pulling out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Magic genie. I've been granted my wish, so here - go ahead and rub it. But I warn you, the genie's a bit deaf."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, a gust of smoke poofs out, and a large impressive-looking genie appears before him intoning, "I will grant you a single wish!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" Suddenly the air is filled with feathers and loud quacking! The bartender turns to the man and cries over the noise, "What the hell - I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

"Tell me about it," shouts the man. "You don't really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist, do you?"


A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says to him, "Say - we've got a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies, "...You got a drink named Bob??"


A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:33 PM on June 12, 2009 [3 favorites]


People are sitting at tables in a restaurant, when a filthy, toothless woman staggers in. She approaches a table, yanking her skirt up, and cackles, "Super pussy!". Aghast, the people at the table are speechless.

She tromps over to another table, yanks her skirt up, and again, loudly proclaims, "Super pussy!" The people get up and hurry away from the table.

She comes to another table, where a man reads a newspaper. She pulls her skirt up, and gleefully shouts, "Super pussy!"

The man glances up, wrinkles his nose, returns his gaze to the newspaper, and dryly says, "I'll have the soup."
posted by Xoebe at 11:35 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


Momus walks into a bar. sits down, and takes a tiny, exquisitely designed, handcrafted, fully-functional grand piano out of a box. He orders a drink, and then proceeds to spend the rest of the evening complaining about how, due to the deafness of the genie he discovered, no one will ever be able to play it.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 11:44 PM on June 12, 2009 [3 favorites]


A man goes to the doctor, who tells him "you have a tapeworm."

"My God," says the man, "what do I do?"

"Come back tomorrow with a piece of potato and a lemon cookie."

The man returns the next day with a piece of potato and a lemon cookie. The doctor directs him to bend over the examining table, and then shoves the piece of potato and the cookie up the man's ass. He then says "Come back tomorrow with a piece of potato and a lemon cookie."

The man returns the next day with a piece of potato and a lemon cookie. The doctor directs him to bend over the examining table, and then shoves the piece of potato and the cookie up the man's ass. He then says "Come back tomorrow with a piece of potato and a lemon cookie."

The man returns the next day with a piece of potato and a lemon cookie. The doctor directs him to bend over the examining table, and then shoves the piece of potato and the cookie up the man's ass. The man says "How long will this go on for?"

The doctor replies "we're getting there. Come back tomorrow with a piece of potato and a hammer."

The man returns the next day with a piece of potato and a hammer. The doctor directs him to bend over the examining table, shoves the piece of potato up the man's ass, and picks up the hammer. The man waits nervously for a few seconds until the tapeworm sticks his head out the man's asshole.

"Where the hell's my lemon cookie?!" *WHAM*
posted by fatbird at 11:45 PM on June 12, 2009 [4 favorites]


All jokes should end with that last line. Could be the next Aristocrats!
posted by brundlefly at 12:18 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]


How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW 'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!
posted by brundlefly at 12:22 AM on June 13, 2009 [13 favorites]


What's blue and smells like red paint?



Blue paint.
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 12:31 AM on June 13, 2009 [15 favorites]


This video site reminds me of the most embarrassing moment in my life.

About a year and a half ago, when I was still in school, comedian Pablo Francisco was coming and the student activities group was giving out tickets. For those not familiar with Francisco's work, he's known for his movie preview guy. All you had to do was tell a joke on camera and if it won, you'd get the ticket and it'd be shown before the show.

I knew just the joke. In 9th grade, my architectural drawing teacher told the funniest Polack joke I have ever heard (if you want to hear it, just send me a MeFi Mail message and I'll send it to you). It's a rather lengthy joke, like five minutes to get through it to build it up, but the punchline is fantastic. When I first heard it, I remember laughing so hard for like 5 minutes that my sides hurt. I've told this joke before and people would usually get a really good laugh out of it. So I decided to do it.

I never enter contests but I was sure I could win this. I went up to the set up they had, asked if there was any problems with jokes about ethnic backgrounds and they were like "No problem, they're fine" and I told my joke. I was a bit nervous being on camera, so I said a fair number of "ums" and "uhs" but at the end, I got a good number of laughs from people who decided to stand around and listen in.

I get an e-mail and it turns out I won the ticket. I was planning on going to the show anyway, so it worked out because I decided to take a date to the show. So it was the show, a sold out crowd pretty much, and they play all the videos on a huge giant screen on the stage. I've never seen myself on the big screen so it was a treat and I came off as kinda nervous. Now most of the other jokes were one or two liners, so my joke was the longest and they decided to show the whole thing. Around the 3 minute mark, people started to shout "JESUS CHRIST, HOW LONG DOES THIS GO ON?" and people started booing. I wish I was imagining it but there really was an entire audience of around 5,000 or so booing at me. People were shouting "SHUT THE FUCK UP" and I remember saying "YOU'RE GOING TO MISS THE FUCKING PUNCHLINE." No one could hear the punchline because someone was yelling over it.

I felt so small and especially because I was with a date. It was a good show but it's like my worst nightmare come true, that I was booed by an entire packed audience. Oh, and the date didn't want to see me again after that night.
posted by champthom at 12:37 AM on June 13, 2009 [7 favorites]


By the way, I'm part Polish and the other ethnicities in the joke so I can get away with telling those kinds of jokes.
posted by champthom at 12:37 AM on June 13, 2009


A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman "I'll have a . . .

(silence for a minute whilst surveying the range of drinks on offer)

. . . pint of Guiness, please."

And the barmans replies "Why the big pause?"
posted by protorp at 1:07 AM on June 13, 2009 [2 favorites]


A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician get up one morning before the Sun breaks to go deer hunting. After an hour of spotting absolutely nothing, they make their way to the edge of a clearing and behold, the sight of a glorious buck greets their wary eyes. They hunker down behind the brush and ready their weapons.

The physicist leans out slowly, barely crackling a branch, and takes his shot . . . a full five feet to the left. The three men curse under their breath, knowing the buck surely heard the gun and will be gone by the time they look up. Strangely, as they peer into the clearing, they find the beast standing completely still. Frozen in fear, the best they can figure.

The engineer wastes no time, sure that they won't get another chance, and fires at the buck so quickly that he goes wide five feet to the left.

Before either of the two men can react, the statistician drops his gun, leaps out of the brush into the clearing, and shouts back, "WE GOT HIM!"
posted by Mikey-San at 1:15 AM on June 13, 2009 [6 favorites]


s/wary/weary/
posted by Mikey-San at 1:16 AM on June 13, 2009


A Grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender sees him, and says, "Hey, did you know there's a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper replies, "There's a drink named Tom Collins?"
posted by potch at 1:17 AM on June 13, 2009 [2 favorites]


Dammit, I said left twice, even after previewing, and the joke is totally broken. I should get out of this thread.
posted by Mikey-San at 1:18 AM on June 13, 2009 [2 favorites]


A duck walks into a pharmacy, and asks "Do you have any grapes?"

The pharmacist looks a little confused, replies "No, this is a pharmacy. Try the grocery down the street", and out walks the duck.

The next day, the duck comes back, asks "Do you have any grapes?"

The pharmacist again looks confused, and says "No, like I told you yesterday. This is a pharmacy. We don't have any grapes".

The duck says "Oh", and leaves.

He comes back the next day, and asks again "Do you have any grapes?"

The pharmacist, getting a little irate says "Dammit, for the last time, we don't have any grapes. Get out of my store."

"Oh!" Says the duck, and leaves.

He comes in again the next day, asks "Do you have any grapes?", to which the pharmacist bursts out "God damn it, we don't have any grapes. If you come in one more time and ask for grapes, I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the ceiling and use you as a punching bag."

"Oh!" Says the duck, and scuttles out.

The next day, the duck comes back in, and asks "Do you have any nails?"

The pharmacist is a little surprised by this, and says "No, we don't have any nails."

The duck pauses, and asks "Do you have any grapes?"
posted by vernondalhart at 3:09 AM on June 13, 2009 [6 favorites]


If you're wondering where East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 got all these jokes from, they're here. Warning: gratuitous anti-Americanism.
posted by surrendering monkey at 3:33 AM on June 13, 2009


So, this penguin decides to take a vacation. It's cold as fuck in the Antarctic all the time, so he decides to go someplace warm, & settles on the Great American Southwest. He flies into Phoenix rents a car, & sets out driving into the desert, just taking in the sights.

Of course, it's hot as hell, and as he drives along, his car starts to overheat, so he decides he'd better have it looked at by a mechanic. He pulls into a small town, finds a little service station & explains his problem to the mechanic on duty.

The mechanic says "Well, I can take a look at it, but it's going to be about an hour.," which leaves the penguin with some time to kill.

By now, it's the middle of the afternoon, and it's getting really hot, and being a penguin, he's not used to the heat, so he looks around for someplace to cool down and spots an ice cream parlor across the street.

He waddles over and orders a large bowl of vanilla ice cream, and man, is it good & refreshing, & he really digs in. Of course, penguins only have flippers, so he gets ice cream all over his face in the process of eating it.

When he's done, he walks back across the street to the shop, where the mechanic is busy tinkering around under the car. The penguin asks "So, what have you figured out?"

The mechanic rolls out from under the car, looks up at the penguin and says "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replies "Nah -- it's just ice cream."
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:12 AM on June 13, 2009 [4 favorites]


Hmm.. I thought this was going to be a short film along the same lines starring my favorite comedian, Jimmy Pardo.
posted by mediocre at 4:58 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]


What do the European People's Party and the Atlantic have in common?

They both gained 200 seats last week.
posted by djgh at 5:03 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]


What's green and will kill you if it falls out of a tree onto your head?

A pool table.
posted by rifflesby at 7:12 AM on June 13, 2009


So this guy walks into a bar, and strangely enough, half of his head -- the left half -- has been painted bright orange. He orders a shot of whiskey and a beer, takes a twenty-dollar bill out of his wallet, puts it on the bar, and tells the bartender to keep the change. "Actually," says the bartender, "It's on me, if you'll tell me why you've got half of your head painted orange."

"Well, that's an interesting story, actually," the guy replies. "See, I'm in the army, and I just got back from a tour of duty in Iraq. One day, I was driving a jeep in this convoy moving supplies across the desert, when this freak sandstorm blew up. Visibility dropped to absolutely nothing, radio comms and GPS conked out on me, and my radiator blew. By the time the wind had died down, I was all alone -- the convoy had moved on, not realizing that my truck had died on me.

"So, there I was out in the middle of the desert, with no communications, no transport... I had a canteen of water, but I knew that wasn't gonna last me. I was pretty much fucked. But, I decided I was better off walking than just sitting there... if I was lucky, maybe I could get into transmitter range of someone and order a rescue party. So, I salvaged a radio out of the jeep and started walking.

"It wasn't long, though, before the water ran out, and I knew I was done for. My legs went numb, my vision was blurring... I wasn't gonna make it. But just then, I tripped over something in the sand. Using my last bit of strength, I dug it up -- it was one of those old brass lamps, like straight out of an Aladdin movie! And hey, I'm not a superstitious guy -- magic and fairies and all that, I know that's bullshit -- but dying of thirst in the middle of the desert, you bet your ass I rubbed that motherfucker for all I was worth.

"And like the fella said: Lo and behold! A puff of smoke blows out of the lamp, and with a flash of light there's a friggin genie standing there. I couldn't believe it, I thought I must be hallucinating. But the genie says "I thank you for freeing me from my prison, mortal. In reward, I shall grant you three wishes."

"So I thought, all right, I need to test this, right? Make sure I haven't just gone crazy. So I told the genie, "I wish for a wallet, which I can never lose, and no matter how much money I take out of it, it always contains five hundred dollars in American twenty-dollar bills." And the genie says "Sure, no problem," and hands me a wallet. I open it up, and there's five hundred dollars in twenty-dollar bills inside just like promised. I take the money out and tear it into confetti, then close my eyes and throw the wallet as hard as I can... and then I open my eyes again, put my hand in my pocket, and take out a wallet, and inside the wallet is five hundred dollars in twenty dollar bills. "What is your next wish?" asks the genie.

"Water," I say. "Food and water and... actually, let's just make it a banquet. A huge, lavish banquet with all the best food and drink from around the world, and the world's most beautiful serving girls to cater to my every whim, and it's all somewhere cool and comfortable and there's a radio that works."

"And another wind blows up, and when I can open my eyes again, there's a set of stone steps going down into the ground, like the entrance to an ancient temple or something, uncovered by the wind. And down the stairs is a wonderful cool basement, lines with silk tapestries and soft cushions, and food and booze and girls like you wouldn't believe. I must've spent a week there at least, just eating and drinking and screwing, and then I used the radio that was there to call back to base and get some guys to fix on my signal and come pick me up.

"And the genie says, "What will be your final wish?" And I knew I had to make it good, so I thought long and hard about it. I could put an end to the whole stupid war and go home -- heck why stop there, I could put an end to all war, and have world peace for ever! Or end poverty and famine, or... And then it hit me, and I knew exactly what I had to wish for.

""Genie," I said, "paint half of my head orange."
posted by rifflesby at 7:45 AM on June 13, 2009 [13 favorites]


The following was contributed to the Ableton Live forum, I couldn't find a link:

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. 'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nk hole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says. Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.' The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'. 'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...' 'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".' 'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end.' 'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?' 'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently...

'I f*cking wrote it !!!'


I believe it to be the joke referred to here (and Robin Williams butchered it in "The Aristocrats").
posted by not_that_epiphanius at 8:07 AM on June 13, 2009 [5 favorites]


A beautiful, well dressed blonde woman exits her new Mercedes-Benz CL55 AMG and enters the Manhattan bank, where she asks for the loan manager. The loan manager determines that the lady would like a $5,000 dollar loan, in order to make a business trip to Europe.

After checking her references and credit, he finds that she is quite wealthy and he is more than willing to write her a signature loan, but she insists that her car be the collateral. She turns over the keys, accepts her loan and receives a ride to the airport with the Bank's courtesy Cadillac.

A week later, she returns, and pays the principle and $72.50, interest and fees, and the loan manager returns her keys.

"Why did you make a loan for a business trip to Europe, if I may inquire? You certainly have more than a hundred times that amount in your checking account, alone?"

The blonde replies -- "Where else can you rent a secure parking space for a Mercedes for a week and with airport chauffer service for only $72.50?"
posted by liquoredonlife at 10:01 AM on June 13, 2009


Two cymbals and a snare drum fall off a cliff...
.
.
.
.
Bah-dum-chhhhhh...
posted by honeybee413 at 12:58 PM on June 13, 2009 [6 favorites]


What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre, motherfucker.
posted by Jawn at 2:04 PM on June 13, 2009 [5 favorites]


Why did the Amish woman divorce her husband?

He was driving her buggy.
posted by Arch_Stanton at 2:10 PM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]


Why do farts stink?

˙ooʇ `ɯǝɥʇ ʎoɾuǝ uɐɔ ǝldoǝd ɟɐǝp ʇɐɥʇ os
posted by heyho at 2:55 PM on June 13, 2009 [3 favorites]


From the 1970's, we have:

How many ski bunnies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

That's just silly. Ski Bunnies screw in the jacuzzi.

☭☟☭☟☭☟☭☟☭☟☭☟☭☟☭☟☭☟☭☟☭☟☭☟☭☟

Or this classic:

How many dadaists does it take to change a light bulb?

Dadaists change many to how a light does bulb it take.

Thankyouverymuchi'mhereforever.
posted by not_on_display at 8:51 PM on June 13, 2009


I'm more of a fan of Broken Jokes.
posted by Wild_Eep at 11:00 PM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]


gofargogo: "Why'd the fourth fifth nth monkey fall out of the tree?"

Monkey see, monkey do.

and now....

Why did the chicken walk down the middle of the road?



To get to the other end.
posted by not_on_display at 10:48 AM on June 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


What do you call an african-american that flies an airplane?



A pilot, you racist.
posted by inigo2 at 1:11 PM on June 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


What do you call cortex?

A mod *and* a rocker!
posted by lukemeister at 8:26 PM on June 14, 2009


How many dadaists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fish!
posted by googly at 6:55 AM on June 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


My mom just sent me this one:

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You can't lose an eye just from bird crap."

"You can if it's your first day with the hook!"
posted by not_on_display at 9:34 AM on June 15, 2009 [3 favorites]


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