The street sweeper truck from hell

June 17, 2009 12:53 PM

The Chronicles of Bruiser "It looked like the fucking Apocolypse. Metallica blaring, strobe light, smoke, and road flares all going off at once. I ran at them full steam an shouted 'I am the Dark Lord here to REAP YOUR SOULS.'" The unbelievable true story of a Street Sweeper named Bruiser.

Awhile back I happened across a website called Legendary Threads (previously) wherein they recount some of the best forum or email threads on the internet. There is plenty of interesting reading here for the bored surfer, though it is rife with broken links.

The link for the Chronicles of Bruiser now points to an outdated Something Awful forum where you must pay to read the gem. All throughout his time posting these stories, people would be beside themselves in joy and anticipation of the next posting, arguing that it should be compiled into a book or *gasp* a MOVIE. A brainstorm of the actor who would play Bruiser in the movie prompted him to speak up and say "why not me?" Well, the book has to come first, so instead of linking to all the posts in the forum, someone compiled it into an easily readable document on Scribd.

Do yourself a favor and start reading. It better not be at work, because you won't be able to stop once you start...

posted by namewithhe1d (22 comments total)

I enjoy reading these SA stories quite a bit, but don't they always sound like the same person is relating the story?
posted by lyam at 1:04 PM on June 17, 2009

Wow, I had missed that previously. Thanks for posting this, it's freaking hilarious.
posted by scrutiny at 1:06 PM on June 17, 2009

If you loathe Scribd you may find it easier to read a PDF copy here or here.
posted by Nelson at 1:17 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I truly LOVE stuff like this, thanks namewithhe1d.
posted by Edgewise at 1:19 PM on June 17, 2009

Reads like OC and Stiggs but w/ less funny
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 1:36 PM on June 17, 2009

From a legendary SA thread, Humper-Monkey's ghost story.
posted by Pope Guilty at 1:39 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

CHILDREN! GO HOME! YOUR LEADER WAS BEATEN BY A STREET SWEEPER! YOU ARE NOW SHAMED! LEAVE OR BE ARRESTED! I *WILL* IMPOUND YOUR SHIT!
posted by ubermuffin at 2:15 PM on June 17, 2009

Not to derail too much, but does anyone remember the epic SA thread about a European driving his $250K+ car from the eastern seaboard across the South on his way to Laguna Seca raceway?
posted by duende at 2:32 PM on June 17, 2009

Didn't the Bruiser stories end up being outed as fakes?
posted by Lizc at 2:56 PM on June 17, 2009

Didn't the Bruiser stories end up being outed as fakes?

Certainly outed by me as soon as I got to the "magically knocking out the crackhead with the board" bit.

Not funny, not believable, not particularly well-written.
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:07 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

I once spent a very worried five minutes after the local carpet cleaner asked me if I had stairs in my house, concerned that my collection of sex toys would star in another BigPeeler thread.
posted by subbes at 3:53 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

But really he just wanted to upsell me a carpet runner cleaning.
posted by subbes at 3:55 PM on June 17, 2009

I read a dozen or so pages of this and stopped because it just seems too good to be true, and if it was fake that would be really lame.

But then I got a glass of whisky and curled up in bed to read the rest of it because who cares and either way it's entertaining as all hell.
posted by lucidium at 4:07 PM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

Not to derail too much, but does anyone remember the epic SA thread about a European driving his $250K+ car from the eastern seaboard across the South on his way to Laguna Seca raceway?

No, but goddamn I would love to read that.
posted by pts at 4:11 PM on June 17, 2009

There is only one Bruiser on the internet that i recognize
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:13 PM on June 17, 2009

This was amazing. I've paid to read less interesting personal accounts. I feel like i owe bruiser money, and if there was a book i would probably just buy it to give him his due.
posted by djduckie at 5:44 PM on June 17, 2009

Page after page of bragging. And then I got to the part where the girl falls in love with him because he drives a Hummer.
posted by lekvar at 6:11 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'll tell you one thing. The guy knows the layout of Murfreesboro. Dunno about the whole race around the square in a sweeper truck, particularly given the proximity of the city cop shop, but his route description was dead on. Great reading, bullshit or not.
posted by rhythim at 6:37 PM on June 17, 2009

Wow, Scribd sucks so, so much.
posted by signal at 9:56 PM on June 17, 2009

Upon further reading, the tales do start to stretch credulity. Especially the ones about how smoothly he was picking up that girl, and the garbage dumped in the rich kid's car. On reflection, I think it's more of a creative writing exercise.
posted by Edgewise at 6:34 AM on June 18, 2009

I really enjoyed this, but also smell some fakeness... come on, MeFi detective squad, surely you can sniff this one out, give us a conclusive verdict?
posted by Meatbomb at 8:26 AM on June 18, 2009

This is pretty old as far as SA threads go, but then again the really good threads like these appear only about annually.
posted by wires at 6:55 PM on June 18, 2009