It’s a story of two uncommon and very different friendships—hers for me and mine for her.

June 30, 2009 3:54 AM

It’s a story of two uncommon and very different friendships—hers for me and mine for her. My friendship for her was all about the feeling I call warmth. Her life is not particularly interesting and she’s not much of a conversationalist, so ordinarily I wouldn’t have spent much time with her. But for some reason, I felt the most extraordinary warmth for her. She knew that, and in the end she tried to take advantage of it for financial gain.
posted by dasheekeejones (149 comments total)

Wow. What a train wreck.
posted by handee at 4:04 AM on June 30, 2009

Sounds like a shitty situation, but could it be that he was actually fired for his complete inability to get to the bloody point?
posted by embrangled at 4:04 AM on June 30, 2009 [36 favorites]

It's like the Timecube of bad personal relationships.
posted by jbickers at 4:10 AM on June 30, 2009 [13 favorites]

I suspect this man doesn't need a website, he needs a good therapist.
and a new job
If anyone actually reads that whole thing, follows all the links...let us know... I couldn't do it
posted by HuronBob at 4:10 AM on June 30, 2009

always a good idea to behave like a grown up and post your life story on the internet in situations like this.
posted by fistynuts at 4:10 AM on June 30, 2009 [9 favorites]

My friendship for her was all about the feeling I call warmth. Her life is not particularly interesting and she’s not much of a conversationalist, so ordinarily I wouldn’t have spent much time with her.

Well, he can call it 'warmth' if he wants but I'm betting she'd call it something else.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:15 AM on June 30, 2009

oooh, the gloves are off - look he calls her fat ...

The reality is that she’s just over five feet tall, is in her early forties, has given birth to two children, has thinning hair and what she refers to as Latin legs, meaning they’ll always be a bit thick regardless of her weight, and is fifteen to twenty pounds over her medically ideal weight
posted by fistynuts at 4:19 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Person gets fired and is pissed off, news at 11.
posted by IvoShandor at 4:19 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Also, this guy writes like an alcoholic.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:19 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Also, this guy writes like an alcoholic.

Needs more Bukowski!!
posted by chillmost at 4:21 AM on June 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

Yeah, I feel bad for the guy, but I also feel like something is missing from the story. You don't normally go from "co-worker asking me to pick up lunch tab all the time" to "co-worker asking me for a small loan" to "fired" without at least a couple more pages of anecdotes.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:26 AM on June 30, 2009

Needs more Bukowski!!

Not the interesting kind, the tedious, rationalizing, self-absorbed, self-aggrandizing, no-personal-responsibility kind.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:26 AM on June 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

An finally, here are a few selections from a book I’ve been working on for years. Provisionally titled A Part of All Things, it’s about a number of thoughts I’ve had over the years.

Naturally. I imagine him sitting on his sofa, rehearsing his Oprah appearance a la Kenneth the Page on the set of Conan O'Brien.

I am nostalgic for the olden days, when people made asses of themselves in private and displayed their personal trainwrecks to a small, intimate circle of close friends.
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 4:29 AM on June 30, 2009 [10 favorites]

Wait... what?

This needs more colour and caps. And possibly animated gifs.
posted by bjrn at 4:33 AM on June 30, 2009

An finally, here are a few selections from a book I’ve been working on for years. Provisionally titled A Part of All Things, it’s about a number of thoughts I’ve had over the years.

....Was it written on Big Chief tablets?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:33 AM on June 30, 2009 [11 favorites]

If anyone actually reads that whole thing, follows all the links...let us know... I couldn't do it

I was able to make it most of the way through, but when I got to the page where he uses a rating system of one through four smileys to catalog his memories, I was cringing too much and I ended up just browsing the rest.

It's definitely fascinating, though. Wow.
posted by amyms at 4:34 AM on June 30, 2009

It's mildly interesting in the way you might find the scene of a minor car wreck interesting... not best of the web, it's actually rather boring.
posted by WalterMitty at 4:37 AM on June 30, 2009

After looking at the picture and the first ten words I could tell he got "fired" (he wasn't an employee, but a contractor) for sexual harassment. Then I saw this:

It’s my contention that in her complaint against me she either fabricated things or put a false spin on things in order to get me dismissed straightaway, and that she did this in retaliation for my not giving her the money and for my recent critique of her lack of cooperation on a project at work. I’m guessing she cherry-picked a few e-mails or voice messages and presented them out of context.

Yep.

Also, this pet theory is apparently handed out to every dismissed employee with their final paycheck. I see it constantly:

I think BCBSA fired me simply to keep me from bringing up anything potentially illegal or unethical about the behavior of their employee, Ms. Lopez—anything that would start a trail of permanent documentation involving either their internal Human Resources and Legal departments or, God forbid, an external governmental agency.

I was fired because I KNEW TOO MUCH. Also I used company e-mail to suggest that an employee have sex with me if she wanted me to loan her money, but mostly because I KNEW TOO MUCH.
posted by ND¢ at 4:39 AM on June 30, 2009 [6 favorites]

"...and in the end she tried to take advantage of it for financial gain. "

Hey what else can you say but folks get weird about money.

Now I've got friends in multiple social circles that don't overlap. And what they don't know they aren't going to (easily) find out.

For example, with my banking friends I can talk openly about money, cash flow, net worth, where the hot money is flowing, etc, etc. We're all on pretty much the same footing so that's ok. Even so I don't really reveal how much I got and I suspect they don't either.

But I have other friends who are pursing a life devoted to the arts; musicians, visual artists, a few poets / writers / difficult to categorise conceptual artists. Three points are applicable here: first, it would be downright rude for me to talk them about money 'cause they ain't got none. Second, why would I talk about money if they ain't got none, as I'd probably just make them feel bad. So that ain't right. Finally, I hang out with these folks for the energy, the vibe and I'm genuinely interested in what they are doing. IN THEIR FIELD. Not mine (banking), but theirs (art). So once again, why talk about money around them?

I guess from what little I've read I'd ask - how does she know he's liquid unless he was bragging around her? Doesn't seem right to dangle cash in front of someone and then complain if they try to take a bite.

I guess the overall point I learned from my pappy (when he was around) is its not good to let people know what you got. Especially when money is concerned.
posted by Mutant at 4:46 AM on June 30, 2009 [7 favorites]

I grow increasingly irritated with his staunch refusal to use anything other than 'a pile of cash' when referring to the money she apparently wanted to borrow from him.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 4:48 AM on June 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

08/14
In the afternoon I sent her an e-mail about my humorous Blackie’s hotdog lunch (you’ve really got to see their jumbo dog sometime) with two of our coworkers, and she sent me an e-mail response chock-full of smiley-faces. That made me feel she was okay with our new, lighter friendship. But I was wrong about that...

There it is.

You think "pile of cash" is bad, he is grown man that has used the term "bust a move" at least four times by my count.
posted by ND¢ at 4:55 AM on June 30, 2009

... when you’ve let yourself be played for a fool, you have to be okay with looking like a fool. [...] And besides, I’m not often a fool, so it’s not too hard to admit it when it does happen.

The website also portrays me as a victim. Some people like being seen as a victim, but I do not because it makes me look weak.

Well there's no way he could be lying, then. Who would put themselves through the ordeal of looking like a weak fool unless they were telling the truth? That's pretty solid logic.

Good thing he made it clear that he's not actually a fool or weak, though. I was worried he might hurt his ego.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 4:57 AM on June 30, 2009

I grow increasingly irritated with his staunch refusal to use anything other than 'a pile of cash'

That bothered me too. Why is he so fixated on certain phrases?

Another cringer: He uses the phrase I would've busted a move on her twice in one paragraph! Young MC he is not, so his use of that phrase is laughably pathetic.
posted by amyms at 5:02 AM on June 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

Why is this guy telling the interwebs all this shit and not his lawyer?
posted by Pollomacho at 5:18 AM on June 30, 2009

She would have been disappointed over the loss of what she’d come to expect, as well as resentful of me for taking it from her.

I read this sentence three times, and it still doesn't make sense.
posted by spinturtle at 5:25 AM on June 30, 2009

That is one seriously creepy individual. If the company that fired him ever needs to prove justification for termination, I think he just gave it to them.

And he just killed his chances of getting hired by any company that knows what Google is.
posted by y6y6y6 at 5:27 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Clearly, the amount of time spent writing all this, and the poor judgment behind posting it publicly, makes this guy a deserving target of ridicule.

That being said, she sounds like a total grifter-- I have little doubt that she's very much like what he described:

In just one month, she seemed to change from being a person who felt close enough to me to ask me for a pile of money to being a person who hated me enough to get me fired. But nothing turns around on a dime like that. She was in fact the same person at both points in time, a person who all along felt no friendship for me, a person who just wanted stuff from me.

She needed his money (from mooching lunch daily, to asking for an outsized loan), he needed the attention and to feel like cock of the walk. They both miscalculated badly. (She didn't swing the loan, he found out it wasn't about his awesomeness.)
posted by availablelight at 5:29 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

In the year before that, we’d had lunch together approximately 75 times, at a cost to me of more than 150 hours and $4,000.

Who performs calculations like this? Working out the time and money value of a friendship. Sounds like two awful people met each other and got what they deserved.

Also: he paid over $50 US for her lunch every time they went out?
posted by molecicco at 5:31 AM on June 30, 2009 [5 favorites]

"Pile" is the operative word here.
posted by xod at 5:33 AM on June 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

Why is this guy telling the interwebs all this shit and not his lawyer?

This is just a guess, but after a brief review of this site I'd say it is because he's:

1. self-absorbed
2. pathetic, and
3. has no case.

posted by moonbiter at 5:50 AM on June 30, 2009

I wonder when he will include a special chapter on his ever expanding website (it expands much like the universe or indeed - a raw pancake would: a tasteless, cold, pale fluid with some mealy clumps in it oozing away from the vague gravitational pull of something resembling a point), welcoming the MeFi attention and carefully answering every single poster who calls him a loser.

Best of the web.
posted by NekulturnY at 5:58 AM on June 30, 2009 [4 favorites]

Holy crap, from this page:

One time she was showing me some bruises on her calves, from her latest home remodeling project. I asked if she had any cellulite farther up and she said no. Another time I told her that, of herself and her sister, Tina, whom I briefly met once, one of them was much more attractive than the other. I never told her who was the more attractive, and I’m not telling now.

She often wore a fitted blouse over what had to be the most successful push-up bra I’ve ever seen...probably had a couple cutlets in there, too. I’d say it was a shelf bra, but who wears a shelf bra to work?

I have now learned from this creepy dude that there is a porn "shelf bra" and an actual "shelf bra". An actual shelf bra is one that's built into a bathing suit or a camisole; simple piece of cloth with an elastic band underneath to hold you vaguely in place. Apparently Dude watches too much porn.

I always meant to ask her what brand and model it was so I could go to a store and have a look at one and see what made it able to do what it did for her.

CREEPY OMG

On this page, he posted a picture of her house. This guy is a crazy stalker.

I hope her daughter finds this website when she’s old enough to understand, and I hope it helps her to avoid making the kinds of mistakes Ms. Lopez has made throughout her life. I imagine her daughter saying to herself Huh...so that’s what she was really doing all those times without me...

!!!
posted by Hildegarde at 6:00 AM on June 30, 2009 [19 favorites]

It reminds me of a number of cheap tv dramas wherein the supposed victim turns out to be the real threat.
posted by nicolin at 6:06 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

BCBSA simply wanted to make a potential problem go away as quietly as possible, ethics be damned.

Well, duh.
posted by anniecat at 6:06 AM on June 30, 2009

I loved the inclusion of a page listing and describing all the restaurants where they had lunch, even reviewing several ('Ask for the John Mickle fried rice').

But then:

Mr. Syd, whom I first met at an al forno trattoria in Florence, Italy, has said it would be remiss, if not downright irresponsible, of me not to include a webpage on cava, the Spanish version of French Champagne and Italian Prosecco. In the end, we compromised on putting a small note here.

Excellent, but for me just one step too absurd to be genuine. Surely?
posted by Phanx at 6:08 AM on June 30, 2009

The audio recordings and interpretations are classic.
posted by dasheekeejones at 6:13 AM on June 30, 2009

I don't know Phanx, that reads to me like every loser attempting to sound worldly and sophisticated I have ever spoken to.
posted by ND¢ at 6:13 AM on June 30, 2009

Also, if he was an IT consultant, you would think he could design a website with real navigation and usability.
posted by dasheekeejones at 6:14 AM on June 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

This is what douches wrinkle into.
posted by Decimask at 6:18 AM on June 30, 2009 [4 favorites]

well, heck... I just noticed the actual url .... anita is gonna be unhappy that he is squatting on her domain!
posted by HuronBob at 6:27 AM on June 30, 2009

I couldn’t believe she told that story. t would be like my telling the story of how Terry Groves, former CIO of BCBS Nebraska, may he rest in peace, once told me that I was perhaps the most brilliant person he’d ever known. I, however, don’t have a need for that kind of attention.

HAHAHAHA.

Yet, it's so sad. He bought her jewelry and giftcards and all kinds of stuff, and he can't admit that he was lonely and attracted to her (for more than her "warmth"). He's such a disaster as a person. I can see why BCBSA got rid of this sad sack. Anita Lopez should get a lawyer and get him to take this down.
posted by anniecat at 6:30 AM on June 30, 2009

How old is this guy? Fifteen?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:37 AM on June 30, 2009

Wow. The restaurant recommendations are where it went from overdocumented grudge to bizarroland, for me. And if you’re in Europe, try the falafel sandwich at Maoz sounds like the showstopper in a disappointing modern musical.
posted by carbide at 6:44 AM on June 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

Where's Judge Judy when you need her?
posted by aftermarketradio at 6:48 AM on June 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

It helps to be reminded of just how obliviously creepy obliviously creepy can get.
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:49 AM on June 30, 2009 [4 favorites]

...As with The Cheesecake Factory, its Art Nouveau decor is surreal; try to get a table in the rounded corner room overlooking Michigan Ave, and be sure to get the made-to-order beignets for dessert."

Beautiful. The Cheesecake Factory truly is surrealist Art Nouveau, n'est-ce pas?
posted by harperpitt at 6:55 AM on June 30, 2009 [12 favorites]

And he just killed his chances of getting hired by any company that knows what Google is.

Site's not on the first ten pages for "John Mickle".

Yet.

(2nd hit for "John Mickle" AND "Blue Cross" though)
posted by Infinite Jest at 6:59 AM on June 30, 2009

> Site's not on the first ten pages for "John Mickle".

I'm sorely tempted to "spam" a paragraph of links to the site with "John Mickle" as the anchor text to help that along. Besides being prickish, cortex would (justifiably) delete it.
posted by Decimask at 7:01 AM on June 30, 2009

On the upside, looking at this is a surefire way to feel better about yourself.
posted by Non Prosequitur at 7:05 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Wow, I just learned something new from this guy:

Flirting generally indicates one or both of the following: a lack of self-confidence, either in general or in a specific situation, or a lack of genuine desire for the other person.
posted by availablelight at 7:12 AM on June 30, 2009

Duuuuude.
posted by Xoebe at 7:12 AM on June 30, 2009

"Bust a move?" Seriously? I didn't read the whole thing, but did he throw any "NOT!" jokes in there as well?
posted by Dr-Baa at 7:12 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

"Besides being prickish, cortex would (justifiably) delete it." <>I'd be a prick to do something like that, and cortex would delete the post.
posted by Decimask at 7:14 AM on June 30, 2009

The internet has helped me realize how many truly terrible writers there are out there.
posted by deanc at 7:15 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

That bra reminded me of when I was in London once, contemplating the London Eye. It’s like a Ferris wheel, nearly 450 feet in diameter, with a number of enclosed pods along the perimeter, each capable of holding a couple dozen people. I’d just taken the half-hour tour, which makes one full rotation, and I was wondering how it was that the pods were able to continuously adjust themselves throughout the rotation so that your feet always stay parallel to the earth’s surface and you always stay upright. It took me half an hour to figure that out...

I can never look at the London Eye again with a straight face.
posted by thread_makimaki at 7:15 AM on June 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

My favorite fantasies are about things that may soon come to pass; that endows the fantasy with an element of prospective reality. This was my fantasy about her as I fell asleep that night: She and I are on the couch. I’m lying on my side and my head is resting on her lap and my arm is around her waist. We sink into the soft thick leather and into one another. It is so very quiet and warm and peaceful and comfortable. Every now and then she softly strokes my face with her hand or just holds me a little closer. She says some things and her voice is a lullaby to me. Before long I fall asleep in her arms. And for a while it is as if I’ve been transported to heaven…because it feels that good.

Dude might just have some mother issues.
posted by verb at 7:19 AM on June 30, 2009 [4 favorites]

Also? An extra helping of "I'm an oppressed white male.

It’s such a lucrative contract that BCBSA has an officer-level department just to maintain that one relationship. That should give you an idea of the importance of internal and external politics at BCBSA, and why for them a Caucasian male contractor is the easiest thing in the world to let go of.

Have we made a bingo card yet? There should be a bingo card for obsessive relationship sob stories posted by guys like this.
posted by verb at 7:21 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Hey I just realized....

John Mickle rhymes with Travis Bickle.

Woah.
posted by dasheekeejones at 7:21 AM on June 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

To be fair, you really should try the falafel at Maoz. It's terrific.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 7:22 AM on June 30, 2009 [9 favorites]

"I did that with Alma a couple times, though—talk about hard coming back to work. Oops, that’s a double entendre, but I’m going to leave it because you’ve got to have some fun in life. I’ll even throw in a Hello, Mama!"

This guy is so hot.
posted by BaxterG4 at 7:37 AM on June 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

*cough* fuckingidiot *cough*
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 7:37 AM on June 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

And if you’re in Europe, try the falafel sandwich at Maoz

I'll try to remember that for the next time I'm in... Europe. It's between the Eiffel Tower and the Acropolis, right? Oh god.

Is this a new genre? Legal diatribe/nostalgic romance/restaurant review?



(It's kind of brilliant)
posted by oinopaponton at 7:40 AM on June 30, 2009 [10 favorites]

Once I started reading this as one of those, "slightly-touched unreliable narrator" short stories that crops up in the New Yorker every so often, it started to become the gift that just keeps giving, page after linked page:

I don’t know how many times she saw him, but once she told me they were in a club one night, and that he said it was a good thing there was a table between them. I asked her what he meant by that, and she said he meant that otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to keep his hands off her. I wondered what would have been so wrong with just holding hands across that table for a while.

Or, as Spinoza may have put it, what John tells me about Anita tells me more about Anita than it does about John. And it's freaking brilliant as fiction.
posted by availablelight at 7:47 AM on June 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

Once I asked Ms. Lopez what was the greatest compliment she’s ever gotten. Ever the femme fatale, she said it was when she and her former husband were in a restaurant and he told her she was the most beautiful woman in the room. I found that sad because his words were a cliche, not something from his heart. And if what’s in a person’s heart is itself a cliche, what you get with that person is the same thing...

The greatest compliment I’ve ever given a woman was telling Charleen that the best thing in all of life was to go to bed with her every night, to wake up with her every morning, and to have held her all night long in between.

Ugh never trust a man who steals lines from the Goo Goo Dolls.
posted by zoomorphic at 7:48 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

[of course, that should have read, "tells me more about John than it does about Anita"]
posted by availablelight at 7:48 AM on June 30, 2009

My only hope is that he is pulling an incredibly extensive prank on the web. Please tell me I'm not grasping at straws here.
posted by Hactar at 7:49 AM on June 30, 2009

Is this something I would have to read in order to snark on? Because, seriously, I couldn't make it past the top page.

Carry on...
posted by bumpkin at 7:52 AM on June 30, 2009

The restaurant recommendations are where it went from overdocumented grudge to bizarroland,

I think the guy is smarter than we give him credit for... this is a rather clever way of bringing in more traffic and increasing the page rank of the site.
posted by crapmatic at 7:53 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Dude might just have some mother issues.

Yeah, and those would be the icing on his ginormous cake of other issues. What a nut case.
posted by PuppyCat at 8:07 AM on June 30, 2009

You don't have to go to Europe any more!

Damn, I'm going to Maoz (Brewer Street branch) right now...
posted by Phanx at 8:13 AM on June 30, 2009

First Michael Jackson died, now this.
posted by storybored at 8:17 AM on June 30, 2009 [6 favorites]

Obviously, Anita didn't give her blessing to john posting her name, picture and distorted observations about her. It seems that linking to an internet stalker, is aiding an internet stalker. I don't think this post belongs here.
posted by JeNeSaisQuoi at 8:20 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

I have little doubt that it's real; he reads like a pretty classic late-game ladder-theory-lovin' "Nice Guy". A common sort, you'll find them in any sleazy singles bar buying drinks for blitzed 18-year-olds who overflow the tops of their tube dresses.
posted by bonehead at 8:28 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

My only hope is that he is pulling an incredibly extensive prank on the web. Please tell me I'm not grasping at straws here.

It certainly doesn't seem real. As you dive in deeper (and don't ask me why I've bothered), it gets creepier and creepier, which I think is the point. The double-entendres about the hot dog? The weirdness about taking the blouse he bought her for a present to the cleaners and her noticing? ALL OF IT after the first paragraph?

It just seems like someone's trying to go viral with...something.
posted by xingcat at 8:29 AM on June 30, 2009

On the plus side, it's legitimately useful to know where in Omaha you can get a baguette better than any in France and Chinese food better than any in SF Chinatown.
posted by escabeche at 8:30 AM on June 30, 2009

Bloody hell. That femme fatale page is one long trip down the rabbit hole to a veritable wonderland of obsessively detailed narcissm and inappropriateness.
posted by Sparx at 8:40 AM on June 30, 2009

Yes, the femme fatale page in pretty creepy. Actually, all of it is pretty creepy, at least as much as I got through before I couldn't take it anymore.

What I am left wondering is this: If the company didn't tell him why they ended his contract, who does he know she got him fired? Did I miss something somewhere? After reading the last part of the timeline page, seems to me maybe they thought his "solution to the project" sucked, and possibly his work wasn't as wonderful as he seems to think it is.
posted by Orb at 8:47 AM on June 30, 2009

I’m fairly observant so I don’t miss much of what’s going on around me.

Heh.
posted by Rykey at 8:49 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Why is he so fixated on certain phrases?

I'll take "Schizophrenia" for $200, Alex.

If the company didn't tell him why they ended his contract, who does he know she got him fired?

I'll take "Schizophrenia" for $400, Alex.

Quite seriously, if I was this woman, I would get a restraining order and a gun.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:55 AM on June 30, 2009 [4 favorites]

Well, even if Blue Cross didn't have a reason to fire him before, they sure do now. Seriously, how could anyone, even a severe weirdo like this guy, think it's a good idea to put all his job grievances out there like this?
posted by mygothlaundry at 8:56 AM on June 30, 2009

I think I'm with the general consensus here. There seems to be some event missing, in this ... I'm not even sure how to class this thing. Bizarro World Lifetime made-for-tv movie narration, sorrows of young worther-esque monologue without the finale, or (presumably) older than age-bracket appropriate myspace ramblings.

Just seems like he's significantly downplaying his own involvement. 'Warmth', eh?

Other than that, yes, from here, it seems manifestly unfair, but blorging [sic] about it on the inertwebs [2 sic] may not be the most productive thing. No way you'll win political office now.
posted by LD Feral at 8:59 AM on June 30, 2009

Best of the web? Really?
posted by hippybear at 9:10 AM on June 30, 2009

This has to be the launch of an ARG, doesn't it? I mean, it has to be.
posted by jbickers at 9:11 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

"I’m fairly observant so I don’t miss much of what’s going on around me."

Really? Because he seems to have missed every convention ever about what is and isn't appropriate in just about every social situation ever*.

*Based on the limited number of social situations references: Having a job, getting fired, being a friend, having a web site, looking for a job
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:17 AM on June 30, 2009 [4 favorites]

Nothing about this feels good, including our discussion and exposure of it. Maybe it's because I saw that GG Allin documentary last night, so my quota of "gawk at the disturbed asshole trainwreck" is filled for the week.
posted by naju at 9:20 AM on June 30, 2009

I had black coffee and apple pie with a slice of melted yellow cheese. I think that was a good selection. Betsy had coffee and a fruit salad dish. She could have had anything she wanted.

posted by porn in the woods at 9:20 AM on June 30, 2009 [4 favorites]

I couldn’t believe she told that story. t would be like my telling the story of how Terry Groves, former CIO of BCBS Nebraska, may he rest in peace, once told me that I was perhaps the most brilliant person he’d ever known. I, however, don’t have a need for that kind of attention.

Wow, that's a relief. I'd hate to think he had a need for that kind of attention.
posted by ook at 9:22 AM on June 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

Holy crap I just followed some of those links from the first page. Lady needs to get a restraining order, stat.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:23 AM on June 30, 2009

I was too scared to read more than a page - I call viral.
posted by mippy at 9:29 AM on June 30, 2009

One day I went to a jewelry trunk show at Neiman Marcus and picked up a pair of $800 Saint gold stud earrings whimsically shaped like a bee.
posted by mippy at 9:30 AM on June 30, 2009

The section of his book on Philosophy is pretty awesome. He cites "philosophical works of Ludwig Wittgenstein" as further reading. In my fantasy, he is looking at a copy of the Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus while writing this:

You should always see, and limit your desires to, what’s in the big picture. If you want to eat scrambled eggs but you don’t want to clean the pan, plate, and fork, and if you don’t want to pay to eat them in a restaurant, then you shouldn’t want to eat scrambled eggs because they don’t exist in themselves, only within those two big pictures.
posted by dosterm at 9:34 AM on June 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

If this turns out to be viral, it's brilliant, and I'm totally jealous.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 9:35 AM on June 30, 2009

It’s sad that if she happens to view this website, this lackluster rating of her physical appearance will be the thing she finds most disturbing.

I'm guessing not. Guy's delusional. And I second whether this really belongs here... I hope Anita is talking to her lawyers.
posted by jokeefe at 9:36 AM on June 30, 2009

Jesus Christ. I'm only half way through this snoozefest and even *I* know why his girlfriend fell out of love for him.
posted by Maisie at 9:53 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

This makes me sad. This man is so desperately lonely and broken and confused.

I haven't (couldn't) read the whole thing. Was their whole relationship a series of office lunch dates? Did he get fired for crossing the line from co-worker to creepy stalker via inter-office email? I dunno. I guess I shouldn't even comment without reading more closely, but I just can't bring myself to do so. It hurts.

Because I see something of myself in this man. The self-justifying, the almost obsessive need to pick at an emotional scab until it bleeds afresh, because the pain signifies, dammit, and it MUST mean SOMETHING. Weaving a blanket of words that go round and round until they are less a blanket than a shroud.

I found this profoundly depressing. I'm gonna go outside and stand for a moment with my face in the sunshine. Then I'm going to tell my girlfriend that I love her and ask her what she'd like for lunch.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:54 AM on June 30, 2009 [21 favorites]

Obvious stalker is obvious.
posted by mosk at 9:54 AM on June 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

Also - the restaurant thing- total shades of American Psycho...This guy's got nothing on Bret Easton Ellis...
posted by PuppyCat at 10:16 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

This one - whoa. FREAK.

Sunda
www.sundachicago.com
This hadn’t opened before my friendship for Ms. Lopez ended, but I stopped there the other day for some takeout and was told they don’t do that because they’re all about presentation; I thought that was pretentious so I walked around, looking at the decor and at some dishes that had been served, and none of it was more than you’d expect from a mid-priced restaurant; now, if you go to Le Jules Verne in the Eiffel Tower, you don’t go for takeout because it’s out of the way and because you want to enjoy the view while you dine...but in the west Loop?


K - gonna stop perusing this train wreck- I'm officially scared now.
posted by PuppyCat at 10:18 AM on June 30, 2009

One evening as the three of us were getting ready to leave, she asked him what he thought she looked like. He said he didn’t know. She asked him to feel her face, but still he didn’t know. Then she asked him to guess how much she weighed. He said 200 pounds; you’ve just got to admire a man who would tell a woman he thought she weighed 200 pounds. Now, most men aren’t good with that kind of thing, so it shouldn’t have been a big deal. But I thought Uh-oh and I laughed because I knew it was going to be a big deal for her. She’d once told me she was in the mid-130s, and she couldn’t believe he’d guessed so high.

In the months to come, I heard her tell that story many times. She even told it to me once, and I was there when it happened. I could tell she wanted whomever she told it to to say something like No! You can’t be more than 120! I could never understand why she just didn’t let it go and laugh it off. I got some good jokes out of it, though. Once I sent her and him an e-mail about having had an Italian beef sandwich for lunch. I said something like It’s a tasty sandwich but kind of fattening once you throw in an order of onion rings...Anita must eat a lot of Italian beef.

Ha ha... ha.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:19 AM on June 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

Okay, I plugged my headset in to listen to "the lunch tapes." Gee, five messages from one office buddy to another asking if he's had lunch yet. How terrible! How Unusual! What a window onto the soul of someone who'd like to grab a bite to eat.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:26 AM on June 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

This is so creepy. Anita should move out of Omaha and possibly change her name (but she does sound like she was not entirely innocent in this either).
posted by arnicae at 10:39 AM on June 30, 2009

Has anyone tipped him off to this thread yet?

Would you want to engage in conversation with him? I can only imagine how that would go.
posted by dasheekeejones at 10:40 AM on June 30, 2009

Whoa, PuppyCat. The part of that paragraph I noticed was:

if you go to Le Jules Verne in the Eiffel Tower, you don’t go for takeout because it’s out of the way and because you want to enjoy the view while you dine...but in the west Loop?

This is so ridiculous, and he tries so hard it almost physically hurts me.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 10:47 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

The section of his book on Philosophy is pretty awesome. He cites "philosophical works of Ludwig Wittgenstein" as further reading.

Does he mention anything in there about drinking Port or enjoying Backgammon?
posted by Senor Cardgage at 10:51 AM on June 30, 2009 [6 favorites]

Because I see something of myself in this man.

Ditto. He likes girls; I like girls. He's guilty of over-sharing on the internet; I've over-shared on the internet. He has boundary issues; I like falafel.

I'm staring into the fucking abyss, here, people. And it's looking right back and telling me where to get some awesome falafel.
posted by logicpunk at 11:03 AM on June 30, 2009 [18 favorites]

I just want the story to reach those who might find it interesting. If you find it interesting, share it with your friends.

Oh we are, buddy. We are.
posted by Hildegarde at 11:05 AM on June 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

This is truly a De Profundis for the modern age.

God damn the modern age to hell.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 11:05 AM on June 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

Nor do I want to see her hurt or punished, much less to do those things to her myself. For people like her, life is in great part the continual pain and punishment of being used and taken advantage of, of enjoying and yet mistrusting each little period of hope before the inevitable setting in of reality. And yet, if I were to see her walking along the street and suddenly collapsing of what appeared to be a heart attack or stroke, I don’t think I’d try to help her. I’d just draw close and watch her die, and I’d think two things: Well, you don’t see that every day and Good-bye, but the world is a better and safer place without you in it. It would break something inside me to see that and to feel that, but maybe that would be the point...to die a little bit more.

OK, after getting some work done, I went back to read some more. I couldn't resist.

So putting up this web site wouldn't be hurtful if she found it? And the rest of this quote is just ... wow.

I'm changing my opinion of him from creepy to spooky, possibly even scary.
posted by Orb at 11:05 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Because I see something of myself in this man.

If you had read more, you would have seen that his misfiring neurons have turned universal human emotions into a rich and frightening tapestry of delusion.

We all want to know why someone has rejected us, but very few of us are obsessive stalkers, just as we all think there's something weird about rich and powerful people, but only David Icke has turned the belief that they're reptilian aliens into a whole career.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:17 AM on June 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

He awarded four smileys to this memory:

New Year’s Eve 2007. I stopped by her desk on my way out and she said she wasn’t feeling well but that she needed something to eat. I went to Bennigan’s downstairs and brought back a bowl of soup for her. I always felt particularly warm when I was able to make her life better, but for her this was just another free meal when she was hungry. She didn’t think about how nice it was to have a friend who enjoyed doing something like that for her, and so for her there’s nothing to remember about this time. But for me, if I had to pick my single fondest memory of her, this would be it. What ends up as your fondest memory of someone is not necessarily the same as what was your fondest time while you were living it with them, but in this case, for me, it is. And somehow that makes me feel good.

But, of course, this isn't a memory of her, it's a memory about how great he is. This whole website is the creepy, boring, creepy chronicle of a myopic narcissist. It makes me really uncomfortable to read it, because I don't want to be in this dude's head. The way he sees himself is so distorted. Yikes.
posted by prefpara at 11:33 AM on June 30, 2009 [5 favorites]

only David Icke has turned the belief that they're reptilian aliens into a whole career.

Yes, but that's just because the reptilian aliens like David Icke more than they like the rest of us. I for one welcome, etc., but do they care? Do they let me make a career out of chronicling their weirdness? No, they do not, and you just KNOW there's something weird about that.
posted by mygothlaundry at 11:33 AM on June 30, 2009

Ohhh, my bad. If I had read on I would have seen:

These memories will always be a source of happiness for me. Not because of what she brought to them, but because of what I brought to them.

Shudder.
posted by prefpara at 11:36 AM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

See, now I wish that dasheekeejones and I had mutually espousenated one another in the "He Ain't Ralph" thread in MeTa so that I could add the sorely-needed batshitinsane tag to this post.
posted by Maisie at 12:14 PM on June 30, 2009

But, of course, this isn't a memory of her, it's a memory about how great he is. This whole website is the creepy, boring, creepy chronicle of a myopic narcissist.

The entire account is peppered with comments like, "I knew she had no one else to do this [nice thing] for her" and "it made me feel good to make her life a little better", "I know there was no one else to tell her these nice things about herself", etc. This guy clearly got off on feeling like her (vastly superior) benefactor. (It's a little reminiscent of the abusive/controlling romantic partner who threatens, "nobody loves you--or ever will--like I do, baby.") He even tells her at one point, "I'd give you anything to make your life easier."

Then she goes ahead and tries to milk this dynamic to its inevitable conclusion, and he's outraged.
posted by availablelight at 12:17 PM on June 30, 2009

This guy is the worst ex-boyfriend ever. Poor Charleen:

The first time I kissed her, it was exotic and yet somehow familiar. Like having heard of cinnamon and the faraway places from which it came, but only now tasting it for the first time. The world’s possibilities suddenly seemed endless...

and then this gem:

Later I wondered if it was more that she loved being loved the way I loved her than it was that she loved being loved by me.

and yikes --
So far I’ve managed to find only three things I’ve loved more than life itself...my two children and Charleen.

This guy is a DAD? Oh man.
posted by Locative at 12:29 PM on June 30, 2009

One of the things I did on my year of travel was to reread and then burn all but two of her love letters to me. There were 126 of them. I particularly remember the time in Rome, where I burned some of them one afternoon on the rooftop balcony of my room near St. Peter’s, and the time in Maui, where I burned some of them on the beach at night.

I kept only two of her letters, one to read and to burn wherever I eventually settled down, and one for my death.

The first night after finding that card, I put it in bed next to me. I have a queen bed so there’s plenty of room, but when I woke up in the morning I found that I was lying on my side and gently cradling the card to my chest. I didn’t remember any dreams I may have had during the night, but I felt unusually well-rested and peaceful. And so the card remains in bed with me every night...
posted by Locative at 12:33 PM on June 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

I have dated someone very like this guy. He's ok now, after the therapy.
posted by domo at 12:35 PM on June 30, 2009

My friendship for her was all about the feeling I call warmth. Her life is not particularly interesting and she’s not much of a conversationalist, so ordinarily I wouldn’t have spent much time with her. But for some reason, I felt the most extraordinary warmth for her.

One gets the impression that this man's frequent but unsuccessful attempts at masturbation involve photos of restaurant menus and dead birds. Also, I imagine he calls his penis "Mother."

That probably says a lot more about me than him.
posted by Pastabagel at 12:36 PM on June 30, 2009 [9 favorites]

Most men would say Alma is the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen in all of life. She has the face of an angel...a very sexy angel.
posted by Locative at 12:38 PM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

In all of life, she’s the only thing I’ve found that I fully loved in the most personal of ways—a way that was all about her and me, a way that was created in me for her alone. In contrast, the love I feel for my parents and the love I feel for my children are built-in feelings. There was nothing for me to find—I was born and there were my parents, I fathered children and then there they were.

The site was good for a guilty laugh until I read this shit. This gave me chills. Anita Lopez and Charleen and whoever else seem to have gotten away, but his kids were stuck with him. I hope they turn out alright.
posted by dosterm at 12:45 PM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

I imagine he calls his penis "Mother."

I'm going to spend the rest of the day trying to forget this.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:47 PM on June 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

I wonder what his eHarmony survey results would say about him? And I wonder where he is now? That poor consulting firm that lent him out. I'm thinking they broke all ties with him and the company.
posted by dasheekeejones at 12:48 PM on June 30, 2009

You know, as I re-read the summary statement, one could almost sing the theme for Courtship of Eddie's Father.

"Let me tell you about my best friend..."

Now that's the soundtrack of John Mickle's life/website.
posted by dasheekeejones at 12:49 PM on June 30, 2009

Seriously scary, this latter-day "D-Fens" Foster. Had I been the woman he obsesses about I would call the cops and get a gun. I so hope it's "only" some jackasses marketing Falling Down II.
posted by Glee at 12:53 PM on June 30, 2009

Wow - this guy is a mess. At the bottom of the BCBSA page he tells about how he had to work over the weekend - unpaid, at that - to meet a deadline a few days before he was fired. Looks like his anger is being tragically misplaced.
posted by torquemaniac at 12:56 PM on June 30, 2009

I'm going to spend the rest of the day trying to forget this.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:47 PM on June 30

Then you probably don't want to know what "Mother" says to him.

Oh, it's 4:00! Medicine time! Yay!
posted by Pastabagel at 1:02 PM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

During the years we were together, I thought about her so much I sometimes wondered if she’d die if I ever let go of those thoughts.

Yeah, textbook narcissist, even with the so-called greatest love of his life.
posted by availablelight at 1:04 PM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

We agreed to meet out front, and I was standing there on the sidewalk and she just rolled right on by without even seeing me. For fun, I called her on her cell just as I was catching up to her from behind and putting a hand on her shoulder. For some reason, this kind of quirky thing was one of the reasons I enjoyed spending time with her. It made her unique in a head-in-the-clouds way.

What.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 1:23 PM on June 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

His BCBSA page is not to be missed, particularly by anyone who works in IT. I'm so glad I saved it for last. Based on the glowing way he describes what must have come off to his coworkers as extreme self-righteous douchebaggery, I would not be surprised to learn that his coworkers set Ms. Lopez on him in the hopes that his being dismissed would be the outcome.
posted by Maisie at 1:24 PM on June 30, 2009

This is a viral for the new MC Hammer reality show, right?
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 1:28 PM on June 30, 2009

Another strange thing about this -- it's pretty flawless from a proof-reading standpoint--it's quite well-written.

I'm not saying that someone can't be bonkers and represent themselves well in writing, but it's a little odd that when all of these things are put together, he seems off-the-chart crazy, but it's painstakingly rendered. The amount of time this represents is pretty mind-boggling, even for crazy.

Much less tedious if you were cracking up with laughter the whole time you wrote it.

That's what I want to believe, anyway. That's the scenario I can live with. Because if this guy is for real, and out there....well, that's a disturbing world.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:37 PM on June 30, 2009

I read all about this guy in this book.
posted by palliser at 1:39 PM on June 30, 2009

Another strange thing about this -- it's pretty flawless from a proof-reading standpoint--it's quite well-written.

I'm not saying that someone can't be bonkers and represent themselves well in writing, but it's a little odd that when all of these things are put together, he seems off-the-chart crazy, but it's painstakingly rendered. The amount of time this represents is pretty mind-boggling, even for crazy.

He's bonkers, and a Stanford grad:

There have been five great learning epochs in my life. The first was my time at Stanford, 1978-1982; it awakened my mind.
posted by availablelight at 1:43 PM on June 30, 2009

I keep coming back for more. I'm laughing now, He's "Shocked, shocked" to discover that contract employees aren't as valued as permanent employees. No Shit Sherlock. The creed about the BCBSA is hilarious. The incredulity that he describes typical, corporate interactions is hilarious. Really? You volunteered to work for free and they said YES? How unethical of them!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:49 PM on June 30, 2009

Well that was disturbing.
posted by kaspen at 1:50 PM on June 30, 2009

His BCBSA page is not to be missed, particularly by anyone who works in IT. I'm so glad I saved it for last. Based on the glowing way he describes what must have come off to his coworkers as extreme self-righteous douchebaggery, I would not be surprised to learn that his coworkers set Ms. Lopez on him in the hopes that his being dismissed would be the outcome.

Indeed. His bewildered, wide-eyed descriptions of standard large-business development and management practices have ring of a scrappy "I know how things should be done" developer. Companies like Verizon, DowAgro, and so on have processes and systems that make his 'rigid' BCBSA descriptions look positively streamlined. They're not about CYA for the most part; they're about solving problems, for better or worse, that have emerged over time with simpler mechanisms. They may not be the best solution, but things like "You're a contract developer, don't call up our end users and chat with them about requirements" are not uncommon. Among other things, a chatty dev can easily get a company on the hook for dates, features, and other requirements that the company is not willing to promise.

Anyways. Total nitpicking, but another fascinating example of his internal "Everyone is corrupt and I'm a straight shooter" worldview...
posted by verb at 1:52 PM on June 30, 2009

If your corporation is in need of some retooling, give me a call. I’ve got an economics degree so I know about this kind of thing. For $250 per hour, plus expenses, I’ll give you some solid recommendations... I’d do it for $200 per hour, but that’s only $8,000 per week and I like the sound of $10,000 per week.

For Real?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:52 PM on June 30, 2009

dosterm: Anita Lopez and Charleen and whoever else seem to have gotten away, but his kids were stuck with him.

After reading the page about Charleen, I came away with the impression that she was the wife and mother of his kids, and he doesn't seem to have any contact with her anymore (at least it seemed that way from what he said near the end of that page), so maybe (hopefully) he has limited contact with the kids now too.
posted by Orb at 1:54 PM on June 30, 2009

If your corporation is in need of some retooling, give me a call. I’ve got an economics degree so I know about this kind of thing. For $250 per hour, plus expenses, I’ll give you some solid recommendations...
posted by kaspen at 2:03 PM on June 30, 2009

Woops, preview fail. But really, "I've got an economics degree so I know about this kind of thing"? It's too terrible to be true.
posted by kaspen at 2:04 PM on June 30, 2009

After reading the page about Charleen, I came away with the impression that she was the wife and mother of his kids, and he doesn't seem to have any contact with her anymore (at least it seemed that way from what he said near the end of that page), so maybe (hopefully) he has limited contact with the kids now too.

No-- Charlene is the woman after that--though he alludes at another point to regret at not time not spent with his kids at one point (in the context of chastising Anita for spending time away from her daughter), so maybe he's been an absentee dad:

There have been five great learning epochs in my life. The first was my time at Stanford, 1978-1982; it awakened my mind. The second was my time with my children when they were very young, 1987-1993; as anyone who has children knows, that experience is its own thing. The third was my time with Charleen, 1994-2001; it awakened my heart. The fourth was my year of travel, 2004-2005; it was a kaleidoscope of everything—it was deep and it was just plain fun. The fifth was my eighteen hours with Julie in France, 2004; it let me know that it was possible to love a second time, and that is the answer to the biggest human question of all time.
posted by availablelight at 2:17 PM on June 30, 2009

He's bonkers, and a Stanford grad:

There have been five great learning epochs in my life. The first was my time at Stanford, 1978-1982; it awakened my mind.

Nobody of that name is listed as having graduated in 1982 in the alumni directory.
posted by Comrade_robot at 2:22 PM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Also - the restaurant thing- total shades of American Psycho...

Yep, all this guy needs is a page on Genesis and a nail gun.
posted by fleetmouse at 2:23 PM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

If your corporation is in need of some retooling, give me a call. I’ve got an economics degree so I know about this kind of thing. For $250 per hour, plus expenses, I’ll give you some solid recommendations... I’d do it for $200 per hour, but that’s only $8,000 per week and I like the sound of $10,000 per week.

For Real?


Oh, he's a bargain at twice the price. I'm going to forward his CV and salary requirements to my boss right this instant.
posted by Maisie at 2:25 PM on June 30, 2009

The fifth was my eighteen hours with Julie in France, 2004

That wouldn't happen to be Julie Delpy, would it?

*shudders*
posted by fleetmouse at 2:25 PM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Then again, I’d need a full-time staff of three—someone intimately familar with your business operations, an accountant, and a researcher—so it might be cheaper to fly us around in a corporate jet. Besides, I’d like to try that one time. Imagine being able to sleep in a real bed way up there in the sky. I prefer a queen-size, but a full-size will do. And since you’re probably wondering, I’ve already made love on an airplane at 35,000 feet so that’s not going to be a draw for me. Just a good night’s sleep...

I wasn't wondering and ew!
posted by Maisie at 2:33 PM on June 30, 2009

Nobody of that name is listed as having graduated in 1982 in the alumni directory.

Interesting....so:

1) "My time at Stanford" = didn't actually graduate;
2) Fake name;
3) Fake everything

I was wondering if #3 might be the case after google-stalking didn't turn up much for either him or "Anita Lopez" + "Blue Cross".
posted by availablelight at 2:34 PM on June 30, 2009

High-functioning autistic driven by emotions of sexuality that he cannot empirically describe or logically resolve, meets narcissistic sociopath who pretends to form emotional ties in order to make financial gains. Just another boy meets girl story on the Internet, I guess.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 2:40 PM on June 30, 2009 [5 favorites]

fleetmouse: Yep, all this guy needs is a page on Genesis and a nail gun.

Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying in a narrower way.
posted by shakespeherian at 2:43 PM on June 30, 2009