Oklahoma Citizen's Proclamation for Morality

June 30, 2009 11:44 PM

It's the immorality, dammit.Sally Kern picks up where she left off. "Oklahoma Citizen's Proclamation for Morality" sets out to blame the current economic crisis on wholesale moral collapse.

It leads off -

WHEREAS, we believe our economic woes are consequences of our greater national moral crisis; and

WHEREAS, this nation has become a world leader in promoting abortion, pornography, same sex marriage, sex trafficking, divorce, illegitimate births, child abuse, and many other forms of debauchery; and

is a downhill slide from there...

posted by felch (36 comments total)

WHEREAS, this nation has become a world leader in promoting abortion, pornography... promoting ill advised deregulation, questionable securities, shortsighted business practices...

Oh, what's the point.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 11:54 PM on June 30

Growing up as I did in the Church (father was a pastor, mother taught at a private Christian school), I noticed an odd phenomenon. Whenever something unfortunate happened to a group that the Church didn't like, it was God's judgment. Whenever something unfortunate happened to a group that the Church did like, it was an attack by the Devil.

Strangely, it never occurred to anyone there that all of the various misfortunes might just be the sort of shit that happens in an unregulated universe.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 12:05 AM on July 1 [8 favorites]

I blame Obama.
posted by philip-random at 12:20 AM on July 1

She's got it all wrong. Spending large amounts of money on alcohol, porn and hookers will do more to help the economy than bizarre attempts at legislative hijacking ever will.
posted by fearthehat at 12:29 AM on July 1

Strangely, it never occurred to anyone there that all of the various misfortunes might just be the sort of shit that happens in an unregulated universe.

Parasite, that's the hard-wired motive seeker in the brain, part of our Theory of Mind. We evolved to understand the motives of other people (and, probably, of prey animals) -- it's one of the things that makes us most human. It's related to pattern seeking. Just like the pattern seeker often sees patterns that aren't there, the motive seeker insists on ascribing motives to random chance. And there must be something to CARRY the motive, and thus the absolute belief in every single human culture about supernatural entities making things happen behind the scenes.

With polytheism, at least the fictitious personalities can be sorted out and categorized and make some internal sense. But then we went to monotheism, ascribing all random occurrences to a single imaginary entity, which meant he had to be batshit insane to carry all those contradictory motives at once. The very worst of the insanity is, of course, avoided by breaking the concept of monotheism -- there's a second Evil Entity for motives we're not comfortable with the Good Entity having.

It's difficult for humans to understand that random things are random. A good chunk of our brain is simply not wired to comprehend the concept. It takes a lot of training of the symbolic areas of the brain to even understand the idea. To an untrained mind, most things happen because something wanted it to be that way. If a tree falls in the woods, well, that's just what trees do -- but if a tree falls in the woods and kills Jake in the process, that must be supernatural intervention. Someone ... some THING ... wanted him dead.

If bad things happen to people you know are good, it must be the Devil; if bad things happen to that evil group over yonder, it must be God smiting them for their wicked ways. Trees don't just fall and kill humans unless there's some malevolent reason for it.

This link is more of the same of that supernaturalism -- instead of looking for root causes, and understanding that we dug our own hole and that we're digging it even deeper -- they believe that bad things happen because of intent. God is smiting the wicked with economic hardship. The economy is entirely a human-built system, but somehow God, not us, is making it break.
posted by Malor at 12:30 AM on July 1 [12 favorites]

I rather enjoyed the rejoinder from this blog post:

OKLAHOMA CITIZEN'S PROCLAMATION FOR NOT TAKING SALLY KERN SERIOUSLY
by Colin Newman

We the People of Oklahoma, Invoking the guidance of basic reason and logic, in order to prevent that vein in our foreheads from popping out; to secure a state government that is merely corrupt rather than criminally insane; to promote our mutual Welfare and Happiness, do establish this proclamation and call upon the people of the great State of Oklahoma, and our fellow Patriots in these United States of America who look to non-Gaylord-owned media for guidance, to acknowledge the need for Sally Kern to step out of the spotlight for a while and mutter gently to her handgun.

WHEREAS, "It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. " (Thomas Jefferson); and

WHEREAS, "An alliance or coalition between Government and religion cannot be too carefully guarded against" (James Madison); and

WHEREAS, "Our Religious controversies are always productive of more acrimony and irreconcilable hatreds than those which spring from any other cause." (George Washington); and

WHEREAS, "Quoting a bunch of enlightenment era Deists out of context to make it sound like they support theocracy seems like a bulletproof way to make my point!” (Sally Kern); and

WHEREAS, the people of Oklahoma have a strong tradition of deflating the egos and rhetoric of demagogues and blowhards; and

WHEREAS, we believe our economic woes are consequences of banking deregulation, a massive housing bubble, speculation, and the general never ending economic coke party of the last twenty years, none of which were caused by gay people or abortion or gay people getting abortions, and

WHEREAS, “debauchery” predates the great state of Oklahoma by tens of thousands of years and will be around long after we have retreated to mountain strongholds to avoid the zombie apocalypse; and

WHEREAS, alarmed that there are still people who think theocracy is a good idea; and

WHEREAS, grieved that people such as Sally Kern emerge every couple of months to insult my intelligence and lecture me; and

WHEREAS, deeply disturbed that Sally is still so angry even given the quite generous senior citizens discount offered at Hometown Buffet;

NOW THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED that we the undersigned snarky bastards, appealing to the basic decency and reasonableness of our fellow citizens, solemnly declare that the HOPE of the great State of Oklahoma and of these United States, rests upon politicians and civil servants who care more about their constituents than about the 15 or so votes to be gained by showboating and being self righteous;. and

BE IT RESOLVED that we, the undersigned, call upon all to join with us in voting out any politician who seeks to remake Oklahoma into the tiny town in Footloose; and

BE IT RESOLVED that we, the undersigned, humbly call upon El Chupacabra, slayer of goats and men, to have mercy on this nation, to stay his reptilian claw of judgment as we prepare for shearing season.

Signed on Friday the Twenty Sixth Day of of the Month of June in the year of our Lord, Two Thousand and Nine in the Common Era, Year of the Ox, 5th Lunar Month, Fourth day of Rajab, One Thousand Four Hundred Thirty.

posted by Rhaomi at 12:31 AM on July 1 [30 favorites]

Strangely, it never occurred to anyone there that all of the various misfortunes might just be the sort of shit that happens in an unregulated universe.

Unregulated by Satan
posted by mattoxic at 12:33 AM on July 1 [1 favorite]

I was all set to applaud after the initial "Whereas" until I realised they weren't continuing the Christian tradition of Winstanley, condemning property and self-seeking:

And hereupon, The Earth (which was made to be a Common Treasury of relief for all, both Beasts and Men) was hedged in to In-closures by the teachers and rulers, and the others were made Servants and Slaves: And that Earth that is within this Creation made a Common Store-house for all, is bought and sold, and kept in the hands of a few, whereby the great Creator is mightily dishonored, as if he were a respector of persons, delighting in the comfortable Livelihood of some, and rejoycing in the miserable povertie and straits of others. From the beginning it was not so.

Bring back that old-time religion.
posted by Abiezer at 12:55 AM on July 1 [1 favorite]

What a morality whore.
posted by fourcheesemac at 1:33 AM on July 1 [1 favorite]

Oh, is everything my fault again? Cool.
posted by rtha at 1:37 AM on July 1 [2 favorites]

is a downhill slide from there...

Slide? How about "plummet"?
posted by DreamerFi at 1:50 AM on July 1

Is there anything to be gained giving this woman a pulpit? I am not sure what good it does giving her free publicity on Metafilter, Digg, and so forth.
posted by crapmatic at 2:09 AM on July 1 [1 favorite]

Maybe I'm just up too late but right now, I've got more pity for this backwards woman than condemnation. Try and imagine her run-up to releasing this batshit screed, try and imagine what must be going through her head, and what she's been failing to process. Her party is in tatters. Her party's policies have largely brought about our nation's economic collapse. While this proclamation clearly marks her as a shallow thinker, she's capable enough of abstract thought to have earned a couple of college degrees. So, on some level, she must be at least somewhat aware of the true causes of the current crisis. But instead of admitting this to herself, she's done ... whatever this is.

Not only must Kerns must contend with a country that no longer takes her party seriously, she also must face a country that is slowly but steadily shedding its dependence on her god. It has taken the United States awhile to catch up with the rest of the civilized world, but it's finally happening - the numbers of self-identified atheists and agnostics are on the rise and it's only a matter of time before we start treating homosexuals like full citizens. Roe v. Wade isn't going anywhere. Christianity's here to stay, sure, but it's hemorrhaging relevance rapidly. Ten years ago, this proclamation would have frightened me - today, it's almost quaint. Teh gayz made teh sub-primez assplode? Adorable! What else ya got?

Picture Kerns up late at night, face lit in the blue-white glow of her monitor. Picture her copy-pasting WHEREAS again and again, scanning wingnut sites for cherry-picked quotes from the founding fathers. Think of her typing and deleting and typing and deleting the entries near the bottom, trying to decide if she's "troubled," "outraged," or "deeply disturbed" that the President isn't going to bother with the National Day of Talking to the Invisible Sky Wizard. What doubts must plague her! Even as she types her entreaty for a national revival and a new, biblical law for our land, the rational portions of her mind - however underdeveloped they may be - must know it will never, ever happen. She can caps lock her way through THE HOLY BIBLE as much as she pleases, but the United States is just as likely to base a new civil code on the Koran or the Bagavad Gita as it is her favorite mythology at this point.

Instead of confronting the truth of the situation, Kerns has chosen to retreat into this fantasy world, where porn and divorce somehow negatively impact the stock market. Rather than attend to her party's crumbling credibility, she's decided to waste the Oklahoma statehouse's time with this strange offering to a god who is Not There or Not Listening. Kerns is unable or unwilling to endure life in the twenty-first century - our homosexual brothers and sisters are coming into the fold, in some cases even grasping the reigns of power and she's clasping those scales to her eyes as tight as she can. And she's undertaking all of this effort under the apparent delusion that our great nation takes its lead from Oklahoma on anything whatsoever.

I feel like I just read a letter asking Santa for a kidney transplant. It's hard to understand why someone would write such a thing. It's hard not to feel bad for someone with such obvious, terminal confusion.
posted by EatTheWeak at 2:12 AM on July 1 [8 favorites]

Wait, California voted down homer-sexer "marriage"! Why don't God done erased Cali's budget deficit?
posted by orthogonality at 2:22 AM on July 1

Can we lock her and her ilk in a mental institution? Christ.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:41 AM on July 1

You know what this country needs? Grilled cheese sandwiches. For everybody.
posted by WalterMitty at 2:49 AM on July 1 [4 favorites]

A gay gave my cow Bessie the evil eye! Now she won't give milk, her udders have dried up.

Also, gay marriage controls the weather and is the cause of all of the recent tornadoes.
posted by XMLicious at 2:58 AM on July 1 [1 favorite]

Oklahoma isn't helping it's case against one of my previous comments on the state.
posted by educatedslacker at 3:07 AM on July 1

crapmatic, though I agree with the idea that it's often better not give attention to such grandstanding, this woman already has a pulpit -- a seat in the Oklahoma house of representatives. In the case of an elected official spouting this kind of nonsense, I think it's far better to see it exposed and ridiculed than just quietly ignored. If we, the sane, don't stand up and unequivocally call this theocratic bullshit what it is, we stay quiet at our own risk.
posted by diocletian at 3:32 AM on July 1

crapmatic: Is there anything to be gained giving this woman a pulpit?

I'm glad you asked. As a matter of fact, yes, there is. The best and easiest way to discredit nutjobs is to let them speak freely. You don't have to lift a finger. Were this insanity confined to the OK (and not sensational, as noted by someone else) House chambers, it may slip by unnoticed and get passed. This way, it's more like she's let rip with thunderous, wake-the-dead fart in a crowded and hushed cathedral during midnight mass. Yes, chances are that a large majority of people reading about it are just as gobsmacked as you.
posted by felch at 3:46 AM on July 1

XMLicious: "A gay gave my cow Bessie the evil eye!"

It's not just the gays you should be worrying about...
posted by Rhaomi at 3:55 AM on July 1

*sigh* Would it have killed him to continue the National Day of Prayer, just to keep a little peace in these times of extreme dis-ease? These people can be managed to a certain extent! I give Obama huge props for choosing the Camp David chapel as his place of personal worship, and I'm not saying Kerns isn't batshitinsane, but missing that one strikes me as just a bit bitchy.
posted by njbradburn at 3:59 AM on July 1

You know what this country needs? Grilled cheese sandwiches. For everybody.

i'll vote for anyone who has this as their main political platform
posted by jammy at 4:00 AM on July 1

WHEREAS, we believe our economic woes are consequences of our greater national moral crisis

Question for Ms Kern: These woes began on the tail end of WHICH party's dominance of all government and media?
posted by DU at 4:05 AM on July 1

Interesting that she ignores unrestrained, rapacious greed. I was under the impression that that sort of thing was pretty universally considered immoral.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:09 AM on July 1

Also, I challenge Ms Kern to name any 6 Commandments or any 4 Beatitudes.
posted by DU at 4:24 AM on July 1

WHEREAS, deeply disturbed that the Office of the president of these United States
disregards the biblical admonitions to live clean and pure lives by proclaiming an entire month to an immoral behavior;

I'm not American. Can someone explain what she's talking about here? Also, are non-Americans welcome? I'll bring cake.
posted by Infinite Jest at 4:34 AM on July 1 [1 favorite]

njbradburn: "*sigh* Would it have killed him to continue the National Day of Prayer, just to keep a little peace in these times of extreme dis-ease? These people can be managed to a certain extent! I give Obama huge props for choosing the Camp David chapel as his place of personal worship, and I'm not saying Kerns isn't batshitinsane, but missing that one strikes me as just a bit bitchy."

Oddly enough, Obama was arguably hewing close to scripture by celebrating the day of prayer in private. From Jesus himself:

When you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." (Matthew 6:5-6, New International Version)

Infinite Jest: "I'm not American. Can someone explain what she's talking about here?"

I think she's talking about National Gay Pride Month (or something like that), which Obama held an event at the White House to commemorate.

Lemon Supreme, please
posted by Rhaomi at 4:41 AM on July 1 [1 favorite]

Interesting that she ignores unrestrained, rapacious greed

The Cardinal Virtues, Christian Conservative style.
posted by felch at 4:47 AM on July 1

You know, greed is a pretty obvious blameworthy sin here without dragging any of the other six in.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:09 AM on July 1

or any 4 Beatitudes

John, Paul, George and Ringo?
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:14 AM on July 1 [3 favorites]

Faint of Butt beat me to it on preview. Darn darn darn the luck.
posted by educatedslacker at 5:41 AM on July 1

Rhaomi, I would totally sign that shit if that dude takes off the 'year of [their] imaginary friend' crud. Separation for the win!
posted by kldickson at 5:43 AM on July 1

Wait, California voted down homer-sexer "marriage"! Why don't God done erased Cali's budget deficit?

Probably because the Cal Supreme Court didn't annul all of the gay marriages that took place while it was legal, so about 18K of us are still married (Special Rights! Woooo!). Also, no one voted to put "Stoning sinners is a-ok!" on the ballot. I mean, California's full of stoned sinners, just not the kind Kern would like.
posted by rtha at 5:55 AM on July 1

Whenever something unfortunate happened to a group that the Church didn't like, it was God's judgment. Whenever something unfortunate happened to a group that the Church did like, it was an attack by the Devil.

Really? In the crazy sect I most recently examined, the "unfortunate occurence / group we like" quadrant of reality was explained by "God testing their faith". The Devil was just in the "fortunate occurrence / group we don't like" quadrant explanation: "The Devil is tempting them/us".

And of course all four quadrants were complete. The "fortunate occurrence / group we like" quadrant was "God blessing them".

Is there no doubt why this is a comforting theology? You see "good" or "evil" people, you see good or bad things happen to them, and no matter what combination you see, The Church predicted it!
posted by roystgnr at 5:58 AM on July 1

the "unfortunate occurence / group we like" quadrant of reality was explained by "God testing their faith"

The emails I get from religious, (medically) sick relatives contain references to "God's larger plan". It is left unexplained why an omnipotent deity can't create a plan that doesn't give people cancer.
posted by DU at 6:05 AM on July 1