Bloop Bleep Bloop Bleep Bloop Bleep Bloop wee wee wee wee CRSSHHH!.... ok that's a wrap.

July 2, 2009 12:36 PM

Asteroids... the movie?
posted by geos (91 comments total)

They already did that. It's called Armageddon. Sure looks like a video game, anyway.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 12:40 PM on July 2

Starring Bruce Willis as Colonel Track Ball...
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:40 PM on July 2 [2 favorites has favorites]

Seems like buying the rights to a name with no story would be a bad idea. Oh well, at least this time a video game movie won't break all sorts of canon and cause fits of outrage among the hardcore fans.

...unless it's shot in 3D.
posted by Chan at 12:41 PM on July 2 [3 favorites has favorites]

I'm willing to believe that someone would be stupid enough to think asteroids brings enough name recognition to bring extra paying customers to a mediocre action movie, but this:

Universal has won a four-studio bidding war to pick up the film rights to the classic Atari video game "Asteroids."

I find difficult to believe.
posted by demiurge at 12:42 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

Every time someone walks up the right of the screen they should reappear on the left.
posted by ALongDecember at 12:44 PM on July 2 [26 favorites has favorites]

...unless it's shot in 3D.

Then it'd be Maelstrom.
posted by brundlefly at 12:45 PM on July 2

Do you, demiurge? Do you really? Just how intelligent do you think these studio heads think the American public is, anyway? Come on; they think we're a bunch of assholes who will pay to see anything with a name star.

The depressing thing is, we keep proving them right by going to see stupid fucking movies like this.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 12:45 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

As opposed to today's games, there is no story line or fancy world-building mythology, so the studio would be creating a plot from scratch

This is an outrage! How dare they? Asteroids was as much a piece of Nobel-calibre minimalist literature as it was an arcade classic.

Your protagonist was a linear guy, a vector personified, a simple triangle as old as Euclid, tending his simple cathode-tube plot. Then along come all these strange multivalent shapes moving at odd angles. Entropy, chaos, the arrival of Mandlebrot's maddening goddamn equation and the discombobulating intrusion of the whole fragmented fractalized postmodern world.

Asteroids was a Mondrian doing battle against an endless accelerating army of Pollacks. It was the 20th century's descent into the existential void in bold 2D.

Is nothing sacred in Hollywood?
posted by gompa at 12:46 PM on July 2 [21 favorites has favorites]

So now can make whatever space movie they want now and mitigate their risks with brand-name recognition. Well played, executives.

Now they just have to make an amusement park ride out of it. (Obligatory Coupon: The Movie link.)
posted by tastydonuts at 12:47 PM on July 2 [2 favorites has favorites]

this

Universal has won a four-studio bidding war to pick up the film rights to the classic Atari video game "Asteroids."

I find difficult to believe.


Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen box office results are the best of the 2009 summer, helping Transformers 2 to pass $200 million in its opening weekend.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 12:48 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

they think we're a bunch of assholes who will pay to see anything with a name star

Assuming it's a quarter to get in I'm all for it.
posted by CynicalKnight at 12:49 PM on July 2 [4 favorites has favorites]

I think David Cronenberg should adapt "Centipede."
posted by brundlefly at 12:50 PM on July 2 [11 favorites has favorites]

I can't imagine this movie working since the novel was so intricate. You said they made into a video game too? What will they think of next?
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 12:50 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

GAME OVER
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:51 PM on July 2

in the same way our we started as quasi-amphibian lizards scurrying back and forth on newly discovered land, Asteroids beings the modern age of twitchy information overload FPS games...

...ahh the phosphor screen is filled with tiny rocks and that annoying siren saucer is shooting at me...

i can only hope the film, in the same way, pares the action/adventure genre to its core.
posted by geos at 12:52 PM on July 2

Plenty of old games have been made into movies. ET, Indiana Jones, Ghostbusters...
posted by backseatpilot at 12:55 PM on July 2 [2 favorites has favorites]

My favorite part of Armageddon.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 12:55 PM on July 2

I think David Cronenberg should adapt "Centipede."
posted by brundlefly

eponysfavorited
posted by Dr-Baa at 12:56 PM on July 2

You know what video game would make a great movie?

Not a gawddayum one, since all video game movies suck.
posted by Dr-Baa at 12:58 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking vector rocks on this motherfucking projective plane!
posted by Smedleyman at 12:59 PM on July 2 [13 favorites has favorites]

Starring Bruce Willis as Colonel Track Ball...

How the fuck do you play Asteroids with a track ball? That's just ridiculous.
posted by mr_roboto at 1:01 PM on July 2

Dr-Baa: "You know what video game would make a great movie?

Not a gawddayum one, since all video game movies suck."

I was going to yell at you, until I saw your profile picture.
posted by boo_radley at 1:01 PM on July 2

PEW!!PEW!!PEW!!PEW!!PEW!!PEW!!PEW!!

I used to play an Asteroids ripoff at the convenience store down on the corner summer of 8th grade. I can still smell the Doritos.

PEW!!PEW!!PEW!!PEW!!PEW!!PEW!!PEW!!

But I'm not gonna go see this stupid movie.
posted by emjaybee at 1:02 PM on July 2

You're going to love Uwe Boll's upcoming feature Robotron.
posted by Skot at 1:07 PM on July 2 [2 favorites has favorites]

Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking vector rocks on this motherfucking projective plane!

it's not a projective plane, it's actually a torus. if it were a projective plane you would come around the edge with reversed orientiation, like you travelled on a mobius strip.
posted by geos at 1:07 PM on July 2 [5 favorites has favorites]

As opposed to today's games, there is no story line or fancy world-building mythology, so the studio would be creating a plot from scratch. Universal, however, is used to that development process, as it's in the middle of doing just that for several of the Hasbro board game properties it is translating to the big screen, such as "Battleship" and "Candyland."

What. The. Fuck.

Asteroids: shoot stuff, fly around, don't die.
Battleship: find the opponent's ships, destroy them, don't die.
Candyland: get to the end first, watch out for "sticky" spots and warps back to earlier points in the track.

Those can all be spun into whatever the fuck you want, and still retain the essence of the game. In fact, you could pin those storylines onto a LOT of existing movies (less so Candyland, unless it's used as an analogy to the particular movie plot).

Do these particular cultural names really get that much more interest in a movie franchise? "Oh, dude, have you seen the trailer for Battleship? Nah, the MOVIE! It's epic! Like Pearl Harbor epic, without all the sissy emotional crap and more bombing people. Fuck yeah! Let's go play Battleship every day until the movie comes out!"
posted by filthy light thief at 1:08 PM on July 2

The Crossfire movie adaptation would be badass, if only for the awesome theme song. You'll get caught up in it!
posted by ALongDecember at 1:11 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'd see Joust the movie before I see Asteroids (actually, Joust would be pretty freakin' cool movie. Flying ostriches, lava, jousting, eggs? Right up Michael Bay's alley).

Shit, Hollywood, while your down there at the bottom of the barrel, how about Pong. In 3D. Figure out how to get an R rating and I'm there.
posted by zerokey at 1:11 PM on July 2

I still wait for Twister: the movie, and Hungrier Hungrier Hippos: Hippos take Manhattan. I hear they have Argento in line to direct Lawn Darts.
posted by idiopath at 1:14 PM on July 2

Or..or...

Shuffleboard: Death by Grandpa
posted by zerokey at 1:16 PM on July 2

The following video games would make better movie premises than Asteroids:
Tooth Protectors
Ducks Ahoy!
Hunt the Wumpus
M*A*S*H: The Game: The Movie
posted by Dr-Baa at 1:16 PM on July 2

MetaFilter: The 20th century's descent into the existential void in bold 2D.
posted by Brak at 1:19 PM on July 2

When I was 11 or 12 years old, an Asteroids appeared at a local restaurant. I'd walk down there many afternoons to play it, and got good enough that I could build up a huge pile of extra ships and just play until I get bored.

Eventually a bunch of businessmen started playing with me during lunch hours. Quite a crowd could form, and it was pretty exciting for my little self to be the center of attention. Those guys got pretty into the whole thing, with much hooting and hollering, and while they may have been wearing suits, they certainly weren't acting like my dad did around video games. AND they were slipping me the occasional quarter!

Then one day my world came crashing down. I showed up to play and a manager came out and told me in no uncertain terms that I wasn't welcome anymore.

It was a full decade until I found out what had happened: those businessmen were young executives from IBM headquarters (this was in White Plains, New York), and it turns out they had been gambling on who could beat me / how well I would do. My mother heard about this from one of her friends whose husband worked at IBM, and was horrified. It was her who told the restaurant they shouldn't allow me in anymore!

I'm starting my screenplay now, so keep your paws off my tender coming-of-age story.
posted by the bricabrac man at 1:22 PM on July 2 [21 favorites has favorites]

I'd love to write this movie. Seriously, as a writing project, it would be amazing. You have a vague set of parameters on which to hang your plot and characterizations, and a number of visual and auditory gags you can throw in for instant audience recognition/lulz. You could do anything with this script.

Of course, I'm the kind of guy who can't play Nethack without creating an intricate plot to go along with the antics of my little anthropomorphized @, so I may be the wrong guy to opine upon this.

They'll probably just give it the usual "enormous number of treatments by increasingly-desperate teams of writers supervised by people with no artistic sensibility at all" approach, and it'll wind up being cinematic hamburger. As usual.

But there's a glorious movie in this premise somewhere, and maybe there's a studio executive brave enough, strong enough, with the vision and persistence necessary to make it all come true. Someday, the prophecies will come true, and that studio executive will walk among us, and we will know the Chosen One has come.
posted by MrVisible at 1:24 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

Universal has won a four-studio bidding war to pick up the film rights to the classic Atari video game "Asteroids."

I find difficult to believe.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen box office results are the best of the 2009 summer, helping Transformers 2 to pass $200 million in its opening weekend.

That's not really a valid comparison. I'm not a fan of the Transformers movies (I couldn't get ten minutes into the first one) and the upcoming GI Joe movie looks very much like it's going to suck, but both of these IPs had movies, cartoons and countless comic books with popular characters and story lines long before the studios decided to put them into production.

Asteroids, on the other hand, has no plot or characters. It's a video game in which a nameless, featureless spacecraft shoots down asteroids and a UFO occasionally appears to mix up the action a little. It may be video game classic, but as video game classics go it's dull as fuck.

I can just imagine the hyperspace scene.

"Navigator! Take us into hyperspace!"

"But sir, there's no way to know where we'll end up and a 25% chance we'll be destroyed!"

"With that UFO randomly firing shots that may or may not end up heading in our general direction we have no choice! HYPERSPACE ON MY MARK!"
posted by eyeballkid at 1:26 PM on July 2 [3 favorites has favorites]

Producer's got like 30 movies in the pipeline? Or is that just filler to camouflage his real projects?

The movie biz is an interesting artifact of capitalism. Even at $10/ticket, where else can you get 2 hours of entertainment for so cheap? Granted, back in the day $5 would last me two hours at the arcade, and these days $10 will pay for three weeks of WoW.

$10 is ~12 netflix movies, but not everyone has a home theatre yet.

Actor salaries are so high because there's still so much money on the table, but one wonders how the Hollywood model will survive this century against its competition.

In order to get movie prices down people have to Stop. Going.
posted by @troy at 1:27 PM on July 2

I think David Cronenberg should adapt "Centipede."

Ooh, nice idea. Can it be a double feature with David Lynch's Yars Revenge?

I don't know who should do Tempest. Maybe Luc Besson.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 1:33 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

Man, the special effects for this film would be awesome, if they stuck with the look of the original game. Ever since the Tron 2 movie project got nixxed I've been hoping someone would go all wireframe on us. Although come to think of it, Elite would make a better movie.
posted by Nelson at 1:33 PM on July 2

I'd see Joust the movie before I see Asteroids

Announced a few years ago, though I haven't heard much since. IMDB is relatively silent on the subject.

Seriously? I'll see both of them the day they come out, along with Pac-Man the movie, Attack from Mars the movie, Monopoly the movie, and Cap'n Crunch the movie. Will any of them be any good? Maybe, maybe not. But I completely understand why people get excited about them.
posted by roll truck roll at 1:35 PM on July 2

A small fleet of spacecraft have been sent by The Company into the far reaches of space in order to clear asteroids from the path for an interplanetary trade route. Things go as planned, until an alien flying saucer obliterate most of the fleet. Only Vector 3 survives. As they search for clues about the mysterious flying saucer while trying to repair their damaged communications system, they begin to notice someting strange about the asteroid field. Now, they wonder, who are their true enemies - the flying saucer, The Company, or something vicious lying hidden in the asteroids, waiting to be awoken ...
posted by jabberjaw at 1:42 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

Why the movie business is the way it is and why "Hollywood executives" are so dumb (short version):

The movie business is exactly like all other businesses. It's run by men in suits who mostly got there for some other reason besides really good at what they do. They make decisions because they get bad advice, to do favors for friends, because everyone else is doing it and they don't want to appear to be behind the curve. But most of all, they act conservatively- they go with what is known over what is unknown, because they fear being fired if they take a risk they can't justify later.

The only difference is that, instead of their follies being buried in paperwork no one outside the company will ever see, they get shown around the world on fifty foot screens.
posted by drjimmy11 at 1:44 PM on July 2 [3 favorites has favorites]

Cap'n Crunch the movie

I would pay to see that film, as long as it was about old school phone phreaking and blue boxes.
posted by burnmp3s at 1:45 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

You mean... Mars Attacks, roll truck roll?
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 1:46 PM on July 2

Mars Attacks is great, but what I actually meant was this.
posted by roll truck roll at 1:53 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

Why the movie business is the way it is and why "Hollywood executives" are so dumb (short version)....

Despite the desperate dearth of creativity in doing things like adapting Asteroids and Battleship, these people are generally pretty smart, and they do their jobs quite well. Remember, they're supposed to make money for the studios. And stuff like this makes money. They call it a "formula" for a reason. Generic, high-recognition name brands go in, shitloads of money come out.

I mean, seriously, $200m for the Transformers sequel after two weeks? Holy crap.

That said, there's still a time (autumn) and place for creativity, and you even see it in some of these formula-ready projects. I mean, look at what Nolan is doing with the Batman franchise, a generic high-recognition brand name if ever there was one.
posted by mr_roboto at 2:07 PM on July 2

(puts quarter down in glass display to reserve next round)
posted by porn in the woods at 2:10 PM on July 2

"As opposed to today's games, there is no story line or fancy world-building mythology, so the studio would be creating a plot from scratch. Universal, however, is used to that development process, as it's in the middle of doing just that for several of the Hasbro board game properties it is translating to the big screen, such as "Battleship" and "Candyland."

If you need me, I shall be in the library with a bottle of gin and this revolver.
posted by Naberius at 2:10 PM on July 2

Even at $10/ticket, where else can you get 2 hours of entertainment for so cheap?

Seriously?

I would like to introduce you to the latest optimization in entertainment-hours per dollar. It is called Book. Though lacking in interactive 3d graphics, most Books can provide many, many hours of entertainment. If one doesn't mind reading old Books, one can pick up a copy of any Dickens novel for a mere $5-10, and probably spend a good week reading it. (Admittedly, the actual entertainment value of Dickens is impossibly low, but luckily PublicDomainReallyLongBook comes in many other flavors such as Dumas, for the short of attention span.) If you are willing to forgo the pleasure of being the first person to crack the spine, you can optimize even further, by picking up the even cheaper Used Book. Thanks to the marvels of Book Technology, the great majority of Used Books contain 100% of the content of their New Book counterparts. And if you have no scruples and/or are a filthy communist, you can visit the Book-equivalent of thepiratebay.org, a massively decentralized pirate network whose constituent pieces usually go by the name 'Library.' In this case, you can enjoy Book at a rate of $0 per entertainment-hour, which is cost-optimized far beyond the wildest dreams of those capitalist pigs at Netflix.

Now, before you go running off to enjoy this new technology, I should give you a warning. Be careful not to confuse Book with the notoriously suboptimal eBook, which has been carefully designed to cripple many of the best features and optimizations of Book. While proponents of eBook will point to its many features (margins one can 'write' in, long battery-life, and portability come to mind), these are mostly extremely expensive suboptimal approximations of the inherent properties of Book. eBook is additionally crippled by terrible 'Digital Rights Management', which keeps you from sharing eBook with friends, and completely removes the possibility of Used Book pricing.

In any case, I am very proud to have been able to acquaint you with the incredible Book technology. Now, if you have a few more minutes, I happen to have a bridge for sale...
posted by kaibutsu at 2:11 PM on July 2 [15 favorites has favorites]

(additionally, I'm holding out for the Q-Bert movie.)
posted by kaibutsu at 2:11 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

This Goes All The Way To The Top
Jerry Bruckheimer Presents Q*BERT A Michael Bay Film
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:12 PM on July 2

gah
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:12 PM on July 2

What if the greatest romance of your life...
...lasted for only one orbit?
..(8721) AMOS..
..(85) Io..
..Asteroids - Before Supernova
posted by doobiedoo at 2:25 PM on July 2

Not a gawddayum one, since all video game movies suck.


Me and my love of that acid-trip mess that is Super Mario Brothers disagree.
posted by The Whelk at 2:36 PM on July 2 [2 favorites has favorites]

This sounds like a horrible idea, and it's got Michael Bay written all over it.
posted by elder18 at 2:58 PM on July 2

Announced a few years ago, though I haven't heard much since. IMDB is relatively silent on the subject.

Awesome! *flapflapflap!*
posted by zerokey at 3:03 PM on July 2

I've got a lock on a hollywood script treatment for Pong: the movie. Just two words: Anna Kournikova.

Although I'd like to see a Tempest movie. No plot. No subtext. Little dialogue. Every scene is a spinning hyperspace door breach of constant action and gunfire with short little respites.
"Ready? Go Go Go!"
PEW! PEW! PEW! (spin) PEW!PEW!PEW!PEW!!PPPPPPEW! (spin)
ZOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Ready? Go Go Go!"
Etc.

I'd like to see a Punch Out movie. If only for the back story on Glass Joe.
Jho-zef mon amour, you cannot fight tonight! Non!
But I must cheri, mon Coeur. Le bébé, he needs the milk! Non?
Non! I nursed you through months of drinking soup and raw eggs through your shattered mouth. You have lost every one of your hundred fights. Mon Dieu! Why don’t you vendez the siding aluminium like your frère?
But cheri, mon adversaire, he is a young man, under 5, uh, feet tall, eh? He is un homme minuscule.
*baby crying in the background *
Joe, joe, I don’t care how petit he is, he will destroy vos dents. And then it’s the soup and eggs…
Cheri, he has only un quart d'franc. And I must go. To be a man, eh? Un vrai homme!
But Joe, you’re not le bovin qui est chauve!
*Angry, Joe swings at her, she ducks and knocks him out*
posted by Smedleyman at 3:06 PM on July 2 [9 favorites has favorites]

Ever since the Tron 2 movie project got nixxed I've been hoping someone would go all wireframe on us.

I don't believe Tron 2.0 has been nixxed.
posted by hippybear at 3:13 PM on July 2

"As opposed to today's games, there is no story line or fancy world-building mythology, so the studio would be creating a plot from scratch. Universal, however, is used to that development process, as it's in the middle of doing just that for several of the Hasbro board game properties it is translating to the big screen, such as "Battleship" and "Candyland."

If you need me, I shall be in the library with a bottle of gin and this revolver.
posted by Naberius at 2:10 PM on July 2 [+] [!]

You've been scooped.
posted by Lemurrhea at 3:16 PM on July 2

The movie adaptation of the Atari 2600 game "E.T." is going to stink on ice.
posted by GuyZero at 3:18 PM on July 2

My favorite video game movie was Tetris. Milla Jovovich and Angelina Jolie were drop dead as J and L. Although Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was totally flat as I.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:21 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

Mon Dieu! Why don’t you vendez the siding aluminium like your frère?

That is goddam comedy gold, right there.
posted by lumpenprole at 3:37 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

But you have to admit that Dwayne as the PRINT function was the lone good part of Atari 2600 BASIC Programming: The Motion Picture.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:38 PM on July 2

Yeah, he totally rocked that one.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:55 PM on July 2

Asteroids? Pffft. Why bother? It'll be no STRETCH ARMSTRONG!
posted by Ron Thanagar at 4:07 PM on July 2

BTW, I'm shopping around TAG: THE MOVIE if anyone wants to take a look-see.
posted by Ron Thanagar at 4:09 PM on July 2

I'm surprised none of the big studios have been working on an Oozinator flick. Seems like the kids would be, uh, excited about that.
posted by eyeballkid at 4:30 PM on July 2

BTW, I'm shopping around TAG: THE MOVIE if anyone wants to take a look-see.

You're going to try to touch me at the read-through, aren't you...
posted by hippybear at 4:42 PM on July 2

Stretch Armstrong??!?
Are you kidding me?

When I was a kid, I loved my Suckerman. He would sleep with me every night while Stretch stayed on the floor. During playtime, Suckerman would always suck Stretch to death. Because Stretch was a wimp and Suckerman could, well, suck really, really well. So where's his movie, huh?

I would say, "stop tainting my childhood, Hollywood!", but I think I've already said too much.
posted by zerokey at 5:23 PM on July 2

Strange tidbit from my childhood: Suckerman had won a particularly brutal battle against Stretch Armstrong. It was such a beatdown that Stretch's body was torn open. Inside was a pinkish jelly. That was really sweet. So I sucked out the rest of his insides and was sick for two days.
posted by zerokey at 5:26 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

For what it's worth, Asteroids did have a story, though it was nothing much to speak of. You played a fresh recruit in the Cosmic Space Patrol going out to keep clear the intergalactic shipping lanes. The presence of hostile alien UFOs was an unexpected danger. This was all described in detail on the Asteroids LP disc.

There was also the Yar's Revenge story. Now that is some untapped potential right there.
posted by Durhey at 6:05 PM on July 2

In a world with reptile danger miles above the earth...

One man is determined to make it to the top...

Pulsepounding action!

Nail biting suspense!

Timeless romance!

"Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes by these motherfucking ladders!"

Starring -
Samuel Jackson
Angelina Jolie

with Jack Black as Lord Reptilius

Soundtrack by Danny Elfman

Directed byTim Burton, based on a screenplay by American McGee

Coming soon to a theatre near you -

Snakes - N - Ladders

You will never see a ladder the same way again.
posted by Samizdata at 6:28 PM on July 2

(Currently unrated.)
posted by Samizdata at 6:28 PM on July 2

You could make a pretty wicked film out of Joust
posted by Flashman at 6:33 PM on July 2

You're going to try to touch me at the read-through, aren't you...
posted by hippybear

(SPOILER ALERT!)



You're it!
posted by Ron Thanagar at 6:37 PM on July 2

The June 2056 edition of The Onion called it will call it.
posted by Rhaomi at 7:09 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

Although I can't imagine Nintendo doing it, I still hope that one day we'll see Peter Jackson or someone like that do a great Zelda movie.
posted by feloniousmonk at 7:11 PM on July 2

Hollywood must be destroyed.
posted by felch at 7:23 PM on July 2

I still hope that one day we'll see Peter Jackson or someone like that do a great Zelda movie.

Dude. I've been thinking about a Zelda movie since I was 10.

It's totally doable, use A Link To The Past as a basis, hell, use this as your storyboard and jumping off point. I don't like how generic it is or the passivity of the characters, but all that could be cleaned up. You've got a solid 2 hour adventure tale there, and you could be clever with the touches.

But in the back of my mind, it' s all this. The trailer. Open on a black background. Closeup of tall grass in the breeze.

The theme starts, Dum dah dum, dum dah dum dah dum, dum dum dum dah dum!

Shot of feet running in the grass! Dum dah dum! dum dah dum dah dum dah dum! Dah dum! Slow pan up on the figure running. The music moves toward a climax.

Pan up to a young man/teen in green peasant clothes and hat, carrying a huge sword, pull back, he's atop a hill overlooking Hyrule Castle.

BUM BOM DAH DUH DUM! DOO DOO DOO DAH RUM!

In my ideal script treatment, Link is still a smart, if backward and kinda stupid farm boy. He does not, infact, have a great destiny awaiting him. I'd have another character, a more obvious hero from properly heroic background be the main focus for like the first 20 minutes, we the audience think HE'S the hero of Legend and Link is the Xander/Zeppo/Sidekick. Then he dies. Comically. Horribly. Like from an arrow to the behind cause he was too busy boosting. The Destined Hero is dead and is farm boy sidekick is all that's left, carrying around his magical doodads and trying to pass as him. There can be a climx when it's revealed he's NOT the figure of Powerful Destiny but it doesn't matter, he's allready proved himself better than just someone born in the right bloodline or with the right magical scar or some such. And besides, Zelda thinks he's funny and smarter than the oaf who was supposed to save her anyway. Streamline the mythology a bit and have a few fan favorite characters and it writes itself. How is that not doable?

I would have the false hero be a jackass and say "Excuuuuse me Princess!" but that's just me being a huge fucking nerd.
posted by The Whelk at 7:39 PM on July 2 [2 favorites has favorites]

I think this is about an hour or less into the 2 hour adventure.

EXT. SHOT

A FOGGY AND DARK FORREST. THE LOST WOODS.

WE SEE THE MASTER SWORD IN ITS STONE. FROM A DISTANCE WE SEE LINK RUN UP TO IT, HE'S STAGGERING, LIMP, BLOODY FROM TRYING TO REACH THE HEART OF THE FORREST. HE HAS THE THREE PENDANTS IN HIS HAND.

LINK REACHES THE MASTER SWORD IN ITS ERODED AND FADED STONE SETTING. HE CAREFULLY PLACES THE PENDANTS OF POWER, WISDOM, AND COURAGE CAREFULLY INTO THE TRI-FORCE HOLDERS AT THE BASE. HE GETS READY, RUBS HIS HANDS, AND PULLS ON THE MASTER SWORD.

AND NOTHING HAPPENS.

HE PULLS AGAIN. NOTHING. HE KEEPS PULLING. NOTHING. THIS REALLY ISN'T HOW IT SHOULD GO. THE MAYBE HE ISN'T THE HERO AFTER ALL? HE PULLS AGAIN. NOTHING. HE TAKES THE PENDANTS OUT, MOVES THEM OTHER POSITIONS. NOTHING. TAKES THEM OUT AGAIN, PUTS THEM IN ANOTHER SETTING. STILL NOTHING. HE'S PULLING HARD UNTIL HE FALLS ON HIS ASS. THE SWORD WONT BUDGE.

A BEAT. THE FORREST IS VERY STILL. THE FOG IS GETTING THICKER.

LINK GETS UP AND PULLS AGAIN. AGAIN NOTHING. HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR, HIS BACK AGAINST THE UNMOVABLE SWORD. HE STARTS TO CRY.

BIG SHOT, LINK IS CRYING IN THE LONELINESS OF THE WOOD. EVERYTHING HE TRIED TO DO WAS FOR NOTHING. HE'S NOT THE CHOSEN ONE, NO MATTER WHAT. HE'S FAILED. HE WEEPS.

A BEAT.

TIGHT CLOSE-UP ON LINK. HE PULLS OUT SOMETHING TO DRY HIS EYES. IT'S THE HANDKERCHIEF ZELDA GAVE HIM, TO SHOW TO PEOPLE THAT HE WAS ACTING FOR HER, HAD HER WORD, HER TELEPATHIC LINK TO HIM. IT HAS A LITTLE TRI-FORCE ON IT. HE STOPS AND THEN DRYS HIS EYES WITH HIS SLEEVE. HE'S REALLY BAWLING NOW. HE LOOKS UP.

LINK:

I Know you can't hear me, and I know you don't care cause I'm not the Chosen One or anything, but I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry I couldn't - I'm really sorry I couldn't save you. I just wanted to help. I don't know where you are or what's going on or what I'm supposed to do. I just want my life back. I just wanna be Link again, not that I didn't like meeting you or anything, I just-I'm not good at this stuff. I wanna be normal again, not something people can move around for fun. I'm really sorry I put you through this and and made you think I could help you. I'm really sorry I can't be the Chosen One. I'm really-

HE SOBS, GOD IT'S UNCONTROLLABLE NOW. HE'S RACKED. HE LEANS BACK

I'm sorry I can't save you.

THE SWORD FALLS BACK AGAINST HIS WEIGHT.

LINKS STOPS. A BEAT. THE SWORD MOVED. HE GETS UP. A BEAT. HE PULLS AT IT AGAIN. IT SEEMS TO GIVE. HE PULLS HARDER. IT GIVES. HE PULLS HARDER. IT GIVES AND GIVES AND GIVES AND AND AND AND


BAM! THE FEET RUNNING THROUGH THE BRIGHT GRASS, THE MAIN THEME STARTS, THE FIRST TIME WE'VE HEARD IT FULL, LINK RUNS ACROSS THE MEADOW, DISPATCHING FOES HE GRABBLED WITH HARD WITH EASE NOW. HE'S GOT THE MASTER SWORD NOW. HE'S GONNA GO TO THE CASTLE AND SAVE THE PRINCESS. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.

Of course it's not cause like within 15 minutes he'll be sent to the Dark World and his sword will be useless but I liked the idea.
posted by The Whelk at 8:35 PM on July 2 [3 favorites has favorites]

Also, I'd like to express my seething fanboy rage that, as plotless material like Monopoly, The Sims, and Stretch Armstrong gets the big-screen treatment, movie plans for the richly detailed Halo universe fell through. People talk about how video game movies are uniformly awful, but this one looked promising.

It would have been produced by Peter Jackson, whose award-winning Weta Workshop turned out flawless props like this working full-sized Warthog. And Jackson had already collaborated successfully with the film's would-be director Neill Blomkamp, whose projects -- the short film Alive in Joburg, feature film District 9, and Halo-based series Arms Race/Landfall -- betray a gritty, realistic, and darkly evocative science fiction vision.

It seemed like the perfect recipe for a mature and serious treatment of a worthy storyline, yet the whole thing fell apart due to financial bickering. It remains one of the most successful franchises of any kind without some sort of movie made or at least in the works.

Sadness. Also, anger.
posted by Rhaomi at 8:37 PM on July 2

I Know! We'll Make A Board Game Into A Movie by John Ridley

I thought NPR was kidding. If only.
posted by unmake at 10:08 PM on July 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

Down one row and reverse direction!!!
posted by evilcolonel at 10:30 PM on July 2 [2 favorites has favorites]

DIG DUG
A Cohen Brothers Film

Starring
Billy Bob Thorton as Dig Dug

John Goodman as Pooka

John Turturro as Fygar

and

Michael Cera as Mr Driller
posted by Dr-Baa at 4:25 AM on July 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

errrr Coen.

See, it's fake. That's why I can spell stuff wrongish
posted by Dr-Baa at 4:26 AM on July 3

What about Leisure Suit Larry written by Neil LaBute and directed by Lars Von Trier? With Aaron Eckhardt as Larry and Bjork as Passionate Patti.
posted by crossoverman at 4:33 AM on July 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

I Know! We'll Make A Board Game Into A Movie by John Ridley

I thought NPR was kidding. If only.


His argument falls a part cause Clue is awesome.
posted by The Whelk at 7:10 AM on July 3

You Are Likely To Be Eaten by a Grue
The quirky adventures of a young man living in his mother's mysterious and labyrinthine basement.
posted by effwerd at 8:12 AM on July 3

SPOILERS INSIDE
posted by robot at 9:18 AM on July 3

roll truck roll: "Mars Attacks is great, but what I actually meant was this."

Attack From Mars (the pinball machine) was actually released in the wake of Mars Attacks (the movie). Williams did a lot of license-tie-in games around the time, why they didn't go all the way and get the Mars Attacks license is unknown.

The fact they didn't, however, gives us a bit of hope for the fate of the property in video game recreations. Because Mars Attacks tanked, but Attack From Mars is one of the best machines Williams ever made, and isn't as burdened with rights issues like Addams Family and Twlight Zone (arguably the two best tables to come out of Williams) are.

A Zelda movie could work well if it were Wind Waker. The other Zeldas, for their gameplay qualities, are fairly by-the-numbers story-wise, but Wind Waker... wow.
posted by JHarris at 1:21 PM on July 3

My local bar had an Addams Family Machine. It was so. much. fun. I spent more on that than on drinks some nights.

Then they replaced it with a NASCAR machine cause we all know aging gay guys like NASCAR.
posted by The Whelk at 2:08 PM on July 3

I would like to introduce you to the latest optimization in entertainment-hours per dollar. It is called Book...

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2009/03/09/
posted by tybeet at 11:30 AM on July 25