Moon People: Great book? Or greatest book?

July 8, 2009 6:08 AM

You will be Riveted when you read this riveting first page of the new rivetting book Moon People by Dale Courtney! If that doesn't convince you, maybe the overwhelmingly glowing Amazon reviews will.

The story feature's Dave Braymer, a 45-year-old Single man that works at the local High school as a science teacher and astrology at the 12-grade level in Daytona Beach. He is also friends with Cheral Baskel who owns a local Restaurant where everyone gather's when there is a Shuttle launch because you can see the launch real good...

I'm not sure who Dale Courtney is, but this 80-page masterwork is a triple-threat of eye-poppingly bad storytelling/ spelling/ punctuation.

posted by captnkurt (83 comments total)

In all honesty, I would probably enjoy a book (or story, anyway) written like this on purpose. It has a certain sincere energy.
posted by DU at 6:12 AM on July 8

As long as the author isn't chosen as a running mate in a Presidential election because that would not be real good. Also.
posted by DU at 6:15 AM on July 8 [4 favorites has favorites]

Whew, yuck. I hope the author hasn't quit his day job (which clearly must not require any degree of literacy). If he'd use the proceeds to go to school, I'd buy the book and use it to start my grill.
posted by jamstigator at 6:16 AM on July 8

Damn. I'm so riveted you could use me for a skyscraper!
posted by Spatch at 6:18 AM on July 8

From the Good News for People Who Love Bad News Dep't:

There's a Moon People 2! Joy!!
posted by captnkurt at 6:19 AM on July 8

It's like The Room in book form.
posted by fire&wings at 6:22 AM on July 8 [2 favorites has favorites]

Oh man, I so love things like this. If it's half as riveting as The 2007-2012 Outlook for Consumer Non-Riding Dual-Stage Snow Throwers and Snow Blowers Excluding Attachment Type in India, I'm there.
posted by Nattie at 6:23 AM on July 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

Actually Moon People isnt so new because Moon People 2 already was put out. Though but its got less pages the story is more riveting and more romantic also!!
posted by analogue at 6:24 AM on July 8

They did this on reddit a couple of days ago and the comments degenerated into a collaborative pick your own adventure story; I wonder if we can do better......
posted by primer_dimer at 6:24 AM on July 8

It's already reading better than the Eric Brown "Bengal Station" novel I picked up...

...no, I'm serious.

She's one copy editor away from getting a glowing John Ringo quote inside the dust-flap. "Intense, bold imagination... Dale Courtney may just be the most dynamic new author in Southern Gothic Astronaut Horror writing today." (If even the fanboi websites can't say anything positive about your new property, get a workhorse from your stable to do it.)

Bad authors! Let Sturgeon's Law work for you! It may be crap, but, hey, at least it's something.
posted by Slap*Happy at 6:27 AM on July 8

I wonder if we can do better...

Anyone for a round of Moon People slash fanfiction?
posted by Nattie at 6:28 AM on July 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

Man, imagine being the runner up who applied for that teaching job five years ago.

"But I have a Masters in Education!" she fought to keep her tone even, "And multiple awards and certifications!"
"I'm sorry, Miss Brown, but the school board has decided to go another way," replied the HR representative. He slid a box of tissues across his desk towards the distraught woman.
"Another way?"
"The candidate we chose has an extensive background working for the Government in UFO research."
"But, wait.."
"Which, as you can see, is pretty vital to the new curriculum being offered here in Daytona Beach. If our children are going to compete in the future of 2058, then they'll need a grounding in the astrology."
"That doesn't make any sense," said Miss Brown, her tears dried by confusion.
"YAMS YAMS YAMS," crooned the HR Rep as he ripped his face off. "ZALGOOOOOOO."
Miss Brown almost made it to the door before the first tentacle wrapped around her neck.
The HR Drone thrummed. In a mere five years, The Plan would be complete. The shuttles would fly no more.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:28 AM on July 8 [30 favorites has favorites]

80 pages - no grammar, no punctuation? Give me an hour. There's money in it, right? Or?
posted by From Bklyn at 6:29 AM on July 8

Someone please tell me this review is fake.

Actually, looking at her other reviews she has to be some kind of made up internet character. This line from her review of Catcher in the Rye cracked me up:

I read this one already a long time ago in high school and I think I liked it "OK". They said Jodie Foster read it and then she went INSANE and tried to kill the president. Then! I think it made her a lesbian also. I don't know. It was a long time ago.
posted by marxchivist at 6:35 AM on July 8 [4 favorites has favorites]

Nope. Did not enjoy.
posted by fuq at 6:38 AM on July 8

The amazon reviews are wolf T-shirt terrific. I don't understand the 'book'.
posted by From Bklyn at 6:39 AM on July 8

Now I have to say right here that I'm thinking perhaps this Folksy Manner of writing is some sort of Technique to appeal to those who's monthly reading is limited to there church newsletter and Reader's Digest.
posted by Dr-Baa at 6:45 AM on July 8

All that Random Capitalization Tells me this is either the Work of an Engineer or One Mister James Frey.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 6:47 AM on July 8

Although the reviews of this book are funny, the undisputed master of Amazon reviews remains Mister Quickly. His review of Unfurling the World of Music According to Starker remains the gold standard. (previously)
posted by analogue at 6:48 AM on July 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

In case you were wondering, this was self published via a vanity press.
posted by zardoz at 6:50 AM on July 8

Dale also has something to say about Iran, health care, etc.

05-13-09

Blog for Organizing for America,

Hello everyone, how are you today? Good I hope. I was wanting to write this post and show my support for the Presidents Health-care plan. We are so lucky to have the leaders we have today in both party's. I just wanted to say that I am behind any President or anyone else that wants to better our health-care system and I believe so is the American People. It will help so many people if we go for the Gold. Today in our Country we have a chance to fix just about all of our problems. Because I am a astrologer I know that we can achieve everything we want if we can use our wisdom and do more compromising.

Can't be real. please
posted by fleetmouse at 6:52 AM on July 8

Lunar Eclipse of the Heart (Dave/Krylix, PG-13, warning: character death)

The weather is Wonderful Outside on all of Earth but Dave does not think it is wonderful. Because he wants to Be on the Moon. At the moment he is Not on the Moon he is at Cheral's restaurant where She is Boarding the windows and going all out collecting Weapons to fight the moon People because They killed her father and She is real sad. About it.

Now Dave feels Real bad because he always was There for cheral but now he has To follow his Heart and his heart is all funny Right Now. This is because he Is in love with kyrlix Who is from The moon and a lunar eclipse is coming and he Knows from Krylix that Is when his People will Attack and dave is going to go back with Krylix when it is Over. Tomorrow. dave does not know How to explain. How this Happened. and he knows Cheral will be even more real sad and Will never forgive him.

So Dave does not want To say Anything but he is a teacher so he knows Sometimes it is Hard to tell people what they Do not want to hear but you have to do it Anyway, so he says Cheral I have something to tell You and she says What. And dave says this moon Guy krylix is Why I survived the last attack he Saved my life and i love him And it is over between us. cheral starts waving her Gun around all crazy and she Is screaming WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU and dave says are You homophobic or something and she says NO, do they even have Gender and dave says he does Not Know, and he Tries to joke that maybe he is just lunarsexual but cheral is just Crying. And Screaming.

Now Dave gets real mad And he says CHERAL you are Being unfair, they are People too, Moon people, but Cheral keeps on waving the gun All crazy and the whole Situation is just real crazy. Dave wants to Make her feel Better but it starts getting dark Outside and he knows it is time so he just smiles all Sad and dave says I am sorry but i have to Go now.

And Dave turns to go But Cheral screams OH NO YOU DON'T!! and shoots him in The back. Dave is dead and Cheral falls down screaming And crying HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN. And Krylix saw Everything through the Window and he Becomes a bad moon Person because he wants revenge on All earthlings because one Killed Dave. And mankind was Genocided because of one Woman's jealusy.
posted by Nattie at 7:03 AM on July 8 [7 favorites has favorites]

Funny, he didn't use the phrase "Lo!" anywhere on the whole page.
posted by jbickers at 7:10 AM on July 8

At 80 pages, I can't help but imagine the author dashing up to his computer, hammering out the story on his Compaq, then dashing away.
posted by Dr-Baa at 7:11 AM on July 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

In case you were wondering, this was self published via a vanity press.

I'M SHOCKED! SHOCKED, I SAY!
posted by zarq at 7:19 AM on July 8 [3 favorites has favorites]

I am aware of all Internet traditions. But sometimes I don't understand them.
posted by moonbiter at 7:19 AM on July 8

Lunar Eclipse of the Heart (Dave/Krylix, PG-13, warning: character death)

Gee, thanks for the spoilers there.
posted by Spatch at 7:27 AM on July 8

The author is a man by the name of Dale M. courtney a Talented Science fiction writer and politics. Its a real good book and also really twist's the Plot to where you can't put it down.

I daresay it does.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 7:32 AM on July 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

We should organize a meetup around reading this book aloud with special emphasis on the Capitalized special Emphasis the Author is so Fond of Using.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 7:41 AM on July 8

It's 2048 but we seem to start a lot of sentences in the Now.
posted by birdwatcher at 7:51 AM on July 8

I was trying so hard to be open-minded and thoughtful and think "Really, should we be mocking this man just because he's a bad writer?" and I was doing a GREAT job being kind and reasonable until I saw "This is also Oct.28 the year 2048" completely out of the blue at which point I snorted aloud trying not to laugh too hard and it turns out the answer to my questions is "Yes, yes we should".
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 7:51 AM on July 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

Yeah god this sucks how can anyone be so Stupid as to fall for this obvious Troll. And anyone who thinks their sooo funny for posting a fake review on a fake book about fake martians is literally pond scum. My trained monkey could make better jokes than this and I should know!

Negative 12 Stars.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:04 AM on July 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

The romance heats up by Chapter 9:

"Cheral said I had the best time last night and know your going to leave me. And David said I know before all I was going to just miss was my students and know I'm going to miss being with you. I haven't been with someone like you in a very long time and I had so much fun with you last night and making love to you was so beautiful I will remember it always."
posted by Houstonian at 8:13 AM on July 8

Fascinating. The charming naïveté of Philippe combined with the breathtaking prose of LaHaye and Jenkins.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 8:18 AM on July 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

Oh, dear. His website. Yes, it looks exactly as you would expect.

This is linked from his Google profile, where he also writes about his jobs and personal history. After reading his profile, I'm convinced this is a joke.
posted by Houstonian at 8:22 AM on July 8

primer_dimer: They did this on reddit a couple of days ago...

Ah, so that explains all the July 1, 2009 reviews.
posted by paisley sheep at 8:22 AM on July 8

Making fun of disabled people used to be more fun, even here. Now too many of you take it too seriously.
posted by Laotic at 8:24 AM on July 8

I'd like to put this Book in my Kindle.








Sorry, I meant Kindling. I'd like to Put it in my kindling. Every single copy.
posted by Herodios at 8:27 AM on July 8 [7 favorites has favorites]

People who bought this item also bought... "Three Wolf Moon "Official" T-Shirt 100% Cotton Short Sleeve Shirt."

Oh, now I get it.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 8:29 AM on July 8

Click here to start typing your text.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:29 AM on July 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

I met my future wife to be at a party in Miami that I went to. Well it wasn’t long before we became an Item and got married. I was 20 and she was 18. To this date we are still married and we are going on our thirty-second year. Her name was Cheral Yvonne Courtney. It wasn’t long after our marriage that our first-born came along. It was a beautiful little girl and we named her Crystal Yvonne Courtney. Then two years latter my only son was born. He was a strutting buck. We named him Charles Earl Courtney. Well then we migrated to the Ormond Beach, Florida were I had a hobby of making Global Economic Equality and foreign policies for years but I never thought I would be able to use it for anything, but low and behold we went to war with Iraq and Afghanistan because of 9-11. I remember it was April 1, 2007 when President Bush came on the airway and was asking for Ideas on the Iraq and Iran problem at the time Iran had 15 British Solders hostages. Well One thing for sure I’ve always have an Idea. I’m a firm believer that a simple Idea can solve everything. Well I was lucky because my Idea worked and from there on I gave about 50 more Ideas and I’m still going. And many of the Ideas are still working today. Then I wrote a couple of books. I always wanted to write but I never really got the chance to write one until recently. Well I hope you like my book Moon People 1 and Moon People 2 will be out in January 2009 Sub Title:Mars Reborn. I really enjoyed writing it for you. Thank you for your Time and God Bless. Sincerely Dale M. Courtney

Serious Business: I love this dude.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:32 AM on July 8

you know what's fucked up? I can never write more than 15 pages before something shiny comes along and distracts me and I forget all about it.

This guy wrote and finished this thing. At this point I'm starting to wonder if I should write more like him.
posted by shmegegge at 8:47 AM on July 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

Great link! The amazon reviews had me laughing so loud that coworkers peeked in to see what was going on.
posted by jasper411 at 8:50 AM on July 8

Now, now
posted by sloe at 8:58 AM on July 8

Wow. Was this vanity published?
posted by asfuller at 8:59 AM on July 8

In all honesty, I would probably enjoy a book (or story, anyway) written like this on purpose. It has a certain sincere energy.

Then you may enjoy Russell Hoban's Riddley Walker. It's set in a world many centuries after a nuclear holocaust, and as you can imagine, the written word's suffered a bit. This is the title character describing someone tending his fires while making charcoal:

Them chard coal harts kep him on the hop he wer all ways hanging over them doing 1 thing and a nother hewd be shovveling earf on them or hewd be shiffing his wind screans a bout. He wer all ways scortching his self and his cloes his red jumper wer bernt ful of hoals and the sleaves of it all blackent.

(Disclaimer: I haven't read it, but Mrs. Example has, and recommends it.)
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 9:11 AM on July 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

If you liked Moon People, why not try a stint as an intern at a publishing house with a 4-foot-tall slush pile? You get to read stuff like this 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, at absolutely no cost.*




*To the publishing house.
posted by stuck on an island at 9:13 AM on July 8 [5 favorites has favorites]

The Intern looked at the large pile of manuscrips next to her. This was called the Slush Pile because the authors who had wrote them were not solicited, so the pile collected the scrips. It was her Job that required her to read them all, also. She did not mind the Work, per say, but rather the long hours that required her to stay late, when she'd rather go out with her friends for a space drink. Because it was the future of 2048, and everyone was living in space. This was hard for Her not just because one of her Spacefriends was a guy she was Interested in, but because, by and large, these manuscrips were, note good. Sometimes they'd made her Sad, but most of the Time it was just her job. She dreamed of the day when she could lie down on the grass of the Space Station she lived next to with George, who was the friend she was interested in and look at the stars together but unfortunately that did not look possible because they were just Spacefriends and nothing more.

Lauren, which was the interns name, turned back to her work reading manuscrips. It was going to be a long day, which they still Measured the same way as they did on Earth, even though they were in space.
posted by indiebass at 9:24 AM on July 8 [4 favorites has favorites]

This is like "The Eye of Argon" without the snap and verve.

However, it's no Latawnya, the Naughty Horse, Learns to Say No to Drugs.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:26 AM on July 8 [6 favorites has favorites]

I'm thinking English as a second language here.
posted by HumanComplex at 9:27 AM on July 8

Metafilter: making love to you was so beautiful I will remember it always.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 9:30 AM on July 8

All of the Sudden her eye was rivetted by one of the manuscrips from the stack. It was by a man name Dale Courtney III. Lauren knew that name which was the name of a famous writer from the early part of the 2000s. His writtings were famous almost 50 years ago which was half a Century. Lauren picked the paper out of the pile and began reading and once she had began she could not stop.

The book was full of many interesting Events and Characters and it was extremely long almost 80 pages in length. Lauren knew that a book that long would never be published today in 2048 which was the year because people no longer had the attention span to read such long and complex works of literature. Lauren decided that if her bosses at the space publishing house would not publish this book by Dale Courtney III grandson of the great writer and his lovely wife Cheral that she would take all of her space savings and go into business as a space Subsidy Publisher.

Many people think that Subsidy Publishing is the same as Vanity Publishing but it is not at all. Lauren knew that the great Dale Courtney had published his imortal Moon People trilogy with a Subsidy Publisher and that should show anyone who cared that it was not the same as vanity publishing.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:32 AM on July 8 [5 favorites has favorites]

The difference, Mr. Bad Example, between this piece of poo and Riddley Walker is, Riddley Walker was written that way deliberately to point up the lack of education of the post-Apocalyptic narrator. It's a chilling read. This thing is just incompetent. Sure, the guy finished it, but I finished things at age 16 that were longer and better written. And this dude is in his fifties, apparently. So... you know, clueless. And the POD / vanity press he is dealing with just takes his money without providing editing services. (Or cover art!) So he ends up looks like a jerk, and yet another inept piece of garbage is promulgated on an unsuspecting public. And POD gets yet another black mark. Good times.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 9:39 AM on July 8

I love the cover. It has the space Shuttle, an astroNaut, and some manner of Solar-cell bedecked satellite orbiting earth as the command module from Discovery menaces the whole kit And kaboodle from the corner.

All it needs is to replace earth with the giant glaring face of John Hodgman.

Also there is lens flare.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:41 AM on July 8

Then you may enjoy Russell Hoban's Riddley Walker.

Did you just compare this cack to Riddley Walker?

Come, let us inform Mrs. Example and we shall thrash you with mattock-handles.
posted by fleetmouse at 9:44 AM on July 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

The difference, Mr. Bad Example, between this piece of poo and Riddley Walker is, Riddley Walker was written that way deliberately to point up the lack of education of the post-Apocalyptic narrator. It's a chilling read. This thing is just incompetent.

Yes. Also, Mr. Bad Example--eponysterical!
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:45 AM on July 8

However, it's no Latawnya, the Naughty Horse, Learns to Say No to Drugs.

See, now those reviews are truly creative:

A solid read right out of the gait! While most reviewers may feel as if they were mercilessly pommeled by the message of this book (adapted from the Canter-bury Tales), I found the story a great starting point for discussion. Sure to stirrup controversy, 'Latawnya' has her blinders removed by the harsher truths of life. Neighsayers, doubtlessly, feel it may be too 'adult' for youngsters, however, parents saddled with the responsibility of educating their kids may disagree. The unbridled truths revealed herein can only serve to corral the impetuous spirits of today's youth by presenting the dangers of today's world as they are. Stable homes are built on open relationships created thusly. Ms. Gibson doesn't trot around the moral to be learned, and, as such the reader is not reined in by obfuscations. I can only hope that others help to make this spread like Wildfire, the more the farrier. It behooves you to buy this book!

Truly, she's harnessed my imagination.
posted by zarq at 9:47 AM on July 8

A friend is a slush pile reader for a literary agent here in NY. She claims "patience in the face of egomaniacal delusion" is a job requirement.
posted by zarq at 9:50 AM on July 8

MetaFilter: patience in the face of egomaniacal delusion.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 9:52 AM on July 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

You guys looked at the customer images too, right?
posted by OHenryPacey at 10:38 AM on July 8 [2 favorites has favorites]

I totally thought it was going to be a book about riveting.
posted by Bobby Bittman at 10:43 AM on July 8

OHenryPacey: I had not. Now I'm glad I did.
posted by indiebass at 11:00 AM on July 8

Sorry, I never read. I'm waiting for Michael Bay to direct the film version.
posted by Mcable at 11:10 AM on July 8

Mcable: Only a matter of time!

god i love it when the internet gets jokes. we're entering a truly wonderful era of subtle comedy folks.
XANADU.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:36 AM on July 8

Did you just compare this cack to Riddley Walker?

....yeah, I... sort of see what you were getting at there, but I might still have to put your head on a pike for even suggesting any kind of similarity between the two.

Oh, sorry. I mean I might have to go front spear and put your head on a poal.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 11:42 AM on July 8

from his Biography:

"...After the Army I went to Collage for two and a half years from 6pm 12pm"

Reminds me of the intro to Zach Galifianakis's acting seminar for children.

:)
posted by bradly at 11:47 AM on July 8

Did you just compare this cack to Riddley Walker?

That comparison made my day.
posted by everichon at 12:17 PM on July 8

From Amazon:

10 new from $13.32, 1 used from $26.22, 1 collectible from $1,000.00
posted by memebake at 12:27 PM on July 8

The meme has not yet spread to the amazon uk listing for the book (0 reviews at the time of writing) ... go on uk-mefites ... get in there and make me proud ...
posted by memebake at 12:32 PM on July 8

The difference, Mr. Bad Example, between this piece of poo and Riddley Walker is, Riddley Walker was written that way deliberately to point up the lack of education of the post-Apocalyptic narrator. It's a chilling read. This thing is just incompetent.

I didn't say it wasn't. =P I was responding to someone who said they'd like to see something written to sound uneducated on purpose, as opposed to the Fisher-Price My First Novel in the original link.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 12:34 PM on July 8

sucko
/that is all
posted by Drasher at 1:35 PM on July 8

from his Biography:


Ow! My mind is boggled!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:49 PM on July 8

It's 2048 but we seem to start a lot of sentences in the Now.

Was there lens flare? I'm led to believe there will be issues with lens flare in the future.

I have one word for you, son. Optics.
posted by elfgirl at 2:12 PM on July 8

It has been said that too many books are published. This proves it.
posted by Cranberry at 2:17 PM on July 8

Silly Hobbitses, it's hardly new. But the sequel is.
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:33 PM on July 8

Ahh, analogue got it already. Still, don't we all like to Moon People?
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:49 PM on July 8

This hilarity pales in comparison to the Atlanta Nights debacle.
posted by zardoz at 5:19 PM on July 8

The chapter "Hot Shot City" is particularly good.
posted by Countess Elena at 5:25 PM on July 8

But, wait! There's more!

If you haven't slaked your thirst for riveting and unique prose, feast your eyes on Night Travels of the Elven Vampire. If you're not convince by the author-written well-written review on buy.com, here's a more in-depth and reasoned review:

Yes, Alaric is a vampire. And he shapeshifts into a wolf. Alaric is also an Elf. It also turns out that Elves are aliens from the planet Telvron, where there are also sentient trees and unicorns. And he's telepathic too, because he talks to his brother Marti'el that way. So that makes Alaric an alien vampire werewolf psychic writer. Got that? Good. That way you won't get confuzzled when he becomes a pirate.

Enjoy!
posted by elfgirl at 5:56 PM on July 8

^convinced, even. Doh.
posted by elfgirl at 5:57 PM on July 8

Your tearing me apart, Dale Courtney!
posted by munchingzombie at 6:33 PM on July 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

This review of Latawnya, the Naughty Horse just sent a spray of Gin and Tonic out my nose:

Thank you Latawna!
By Monsieur Monsieur "Monsieur Monsieur"

I used to be an alcoholic, drud-addicted AND naughty horse.
But thanks to this inspired work ( thank you God ),
I am not a horse anymore.
posted by gamera at 11:19 PM on July 8

Dan Brown has a pseudonym?
posted by obiwanwasabi at 3:49 AM on July 10