A 49 year old virgin.

July 9, 2009 5:37 PM

The saddest sweetest craigslist personal you'll read today.
posted by SPUTNIK (113 comments total)

Craigslist never ceases to amaze me. Great posting.
posted by ilrozo23 at 5:37 PM on July 9, 2009

The whole time I pictured Mr Belding and I cant for the life of me figure out why.
posted by Senor Cardgage at 5:42 PM on July 9, 2009 [7 favorites]

Jesus, it' me.
posted by mattoxic at 5:43 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

it really, really is not. I see this shit on askme every week.
posted by pinky at 5:43 PM on July 9, 2009 [20 favorites]

Summary: My wife doesn't fuck me anymore, we're in too deep to divorce, and she's too scared I'm going to leave her, so she's letting YOU pity fuck me.
posted by hanoixan at 5:45 PM on July 9, 2009 [17 favorites]

Area Man Discovers Perfect Pick Up Line For the Commitment-Averse.
posted by yoink at 5:47 PM on July 9, 2009

DTMFA
posted by barnacles at 5:47 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Loveable sadsacks, is there anyone they can't charm? Or at the very least fool.

Jesus. I wouldn't even forward this to my aunt's gossipy friend if it were in email form, let alone post it here.
posted by fire&wings at 5:48 PM on July 9, 2009

Yeah, but I bet he gets laid from it.
posted by Mayor Curley at 5:48 PM on July 9, 2009

This is sad, and I do feel for the guy. But his story is (unfortunately) not terribly rare or special.
posted by applemeat at 5:48 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

"All that stuff. Our life together got better, worse, better again, worse again, etc. Just like real life."

guess what your living, fake virgin!

this is totally going to work for him though.
posted by sloe at 5:49 PM on July 9, 2009

I don't want to get all pitiful, but it's been over 10 years since I had a three-way with two hot college chicks. But please, don't contact me. But if you do, hey, free drinks on me!
posted by snofoam at 5:52 PM on July 9, 2009 [8 favorites]

I get the sad, but not the sweet.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 5:52 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Loveable sadsacks, is there anyone they can't charm?

Me!
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:52 PM on July 9, 2009 [5 favorites]

But his story is (unfortunately) not terribly rare or special.

Or, I'm willing to bet, true.
posted by yoink at 5:54 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

posted by scratch at 5:55 PM on July 9, 2009

This is sad, and I do feel for the guy.

Sure it is. Assuming it's true.


I'm not saying it couldn't be true, sure, but it also sounds like the kind of story I'd tell if I was looking for NSA sex too.
posted by graventy at 5:55 PM on July 9, 2009

I see this shit on askme every week.

It's waaaaay better written than the weekly AskMe version. Plus not everyone jumps on the guy's throat and tells him to "tough it out", which is a nice bonus.
posted by rokusan at 5:55 PM on July 9, 2009 [7 favorites]

I mean, *shrug*
posted by scratch at 5:55 PM on July 9, 2009

My wife and I have an sort of quiet, unspoken understanding.

This line (and in fact the entire ad) strikes me as pretty typical of married men trying to get laid out of wedlock. I strongly suspect his wife would tell a very different story.
posted by dersins at 5:55 PM on July 9, 2009 [27 favorites]

I lol'ed.
posted by Bageena at 5:57 PM on July 9, 2009

My wife and I have an sort of quiet, unspoken understanding.

This line (and in fact the entire ad) strikes me as pretty typical of married men trying to get laid out of wedlock. I strongly suspect his wife would tell a very different story.
posted by dersins at 5:55 PM on July 9 [+] [!]

THIS
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 5:57 PM on July 9, 2009

Am I a dick if I say, "meh"?
posted by Saxon Kane at 5:57 PM on July 9, 2009

What the heck is "sweet" about it? I'm very meh about this too. Certainly not the best of the web.
posted by agregoli at 5:58 PM on July 9, 2009

I see this shit on askme every week.

I usually find it on deletedthread.blogspot.com.
posted by sleevener at 5:58 PM on July 9, 2009 [4 favorites]

Interesting choice of tags. "Succeeds"? So is this a self link then?
posted by yohko at 5:58 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Wow, great twist: "My wife understands me."
posted by longsleeves at 5:58 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

"Yeah, baby, she's totally cool with it. You know, just so we're on the same page. It's totally okay with the wife. And hey, you get free drinks, so it's all good!"

Get. Thee. A. Divorce.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 5:59 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

No, I'm a virtual virgin. An alternative virgin, if you will. Have you ever heard the phrase "After seven years you're a virgin again"? Something having to do with cell reproduction, and how long it takes to totally renew all the cells in the human body?

By this reasoning I've never been stung by a bee, or skinned my knee, and in six-and-a-half years I'll be a bedwetting virgin.
posted by allen.spaulding at 6:00 PM on July 9, 2009 [5 favorites]

Gotta give him props for playing it right, though. "I just want to talk. Maybe hold hands!". Out here in the real world we all know he's hoping to bang something until he breaks.
posted by Justinian at 6:02 PM on July 9, 2009

Succeeds in that it made ME want fuck him. But then again, I cried at "Up".
posted by SPUTNIK at 6:02 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Amazing, the strange contortions people will go through for sex in the absence of safe, legal prostitution.
posted by mullingitover at 6:04 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Speaking as a man getting married to a very clucky woman in just three months time... I am concerned.
posted by Effigy2000 at 6:05 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Also;

"I get the sad, but not the sweet."
posted by kuujjuarapik at 11:52 AM on July 10

Seconded.
posted by Effigy2000 at 6:06 PM on July 9, 2009

I've heard lots of versions of this story, and frankly, an honest "Oh my god, I just need a fuck!" is more appealing. Guys, women who have their heartstrings pulled over this will end up wanting something more than NSA because they have invested feelings in it. If you aren't a toad, plain honesty works.
posted by figment of my conation at 6:07 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

SPUTNIK: "Succeeds in that it made ME want fuck him. But then again, I cried at "Up"."

Well, let us know how things work out, eh?
posted by boo_radley at 6:07 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Speaking as a man getting married to a very clucky woman in just three months time... I am concerned.

Gonzo? Is that you?
posted by Senor Cardgage at 6:07 PM on July 9, 2009 [8 favorites]

I'm not seeing the sweet here.
posted by hanncoll at 6:10 PM on July 9, 2009

this sounds like it should go on this previous post.
posted by djduckie at 6:11 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Also, his account of his life doesn't sound in any respect like a Russian novel. I don't get why he thinks it does.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 6:12 PM on July 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

What's that? Monogamy sounded great until you were in a sexless marriage for ages and ages? Right. Thought so. Fuck that noise.
posted by greekphilosophy at 6:13 PM on July 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

Everybody relax. I went over and fucked them both!

It's surprising how easy that was to resolve.
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:14 PM on July 9, 2009 [23 favorites]

Dude, gross. You fucked an old guy.
posted by Mister_A at 6:15 PM on July 9, 2009

This line (and in fact the entire ad) strikes me as pretty typical of married men trying to get laid out of wedlock. I strongly suspect his wife would tell a very different story.

I dunno, dude. Depends on a number of factors - I've had a few different girlfriends tell me that it's okay if I'm not monogamous as long as I've tried my best to make sure they didn't know otherwise. The weird thing was that in every case this came completely unprompted - I'm monogamous by nature and wouldn't ask them for that, but they felt it necessary to let me know monogamy wasn't 'expected', just appreciated.

My point is: perhaps the sort of person you attract, and the sort of person the poster attracts, are very different types of people.
posted by Ryvar at 6:16 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

An understanding so quiet I've never actually manned up and broached the subject!
posted by Abiezer at 6:16 PM on July 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

I just had to assure Mr. Chesty that all our understandings are, in fact, spoken.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 6:17 PM on July 9, 2009 [12 favorites]

I'm glad to be single and I hope this guy gets laid.
posted by Afroblanco at 6:19 PM on July 9, 2009

No, dude, this one is sad and, uh, sweet.
posted by orthogonality at 6:21 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'm not seeing the sweet here.

Not that I agree, necessarily, but I think it's the self-effacement. That's not common, at least not in the AskMe universe versions.
posted by rokusan at 6:21 PM on July 9, 2009

honey, you were raped.
posted by stubby phillips at 6:22 PM on July 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

This happens in many marriages. It is not a lot of fun when your partner decides sex isn't important for the both of you.

"This line (and in fact the entire ad) strikes me as pretty typical of married men trying to get laid out of wedlock. I strongly suspect his wife would tell a very different story."

Like what? "I don't want him to have sex with anyone the rest of his life, especially me?"

This is a sore spot for me due to my own marriage. I have a lot of sympathy for this guy.
posted by UseyurBrain at 6:24 PM on July 9, 2009 [12 favorites]

Also, his account of his life doesn't sound in any respect like a Russian novel. I don't get why he thinks it does.

Yeah. Needs more "wheat...fields of wheat..."
posted by yoink at 6:24 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

I guess it all started about fifteen years ago. My wife and I had our first child, and things were going well; we made love twice a week, we made time for romantic dinners together now and again, and we generally lived the kind of dreamy wedded bliss that's supposed to be impossible, if you believe the magazine articles about "married life."

But of course, "All Good Things Must End", right? Eventually, she stopped showing much interest in me, preferring to focus on her career instead. Now, don't get me wrong: I'm happy for her, and we still love each other very much, but I wondered if I was ever going to have sex with her again. We talked about it, and she said she would try to meet me halfway on this, but she couldn't promise anything.

So time passes. A few months go by, and still nothing. Finally, I ask her: look, is there someone else? What's going on here? And she says no, no, nothing like that, I guess I'm just not in the mood these days. I mean, we're trying to get our kid into this magnet school for gifted toddlers, and the basement keeps flooding, and you know, all the little stressors of day-to-day life keep creeping in. All right, I figure, fair enough. I tell her I just want to keep honest, open communication, and she agrees, so we keep trying to save our marriage.

This keeps going for a while, and I start to get suspicious again. I mean, a guy can only hold on to these excuses for so long before starting to think something fishy's happening, if you know what I mean. So finally, I end up hiring a private investigator, and I have him spy on the wife while I'm at work. After about a week, he calls me up, and tells me she's having an affair with another man. He says he has proof and everything, but he can't tell me the guy's name.

Naturally, I'm completely furious; I paid this PI, didn't I? So I tell him he HAS to tell me the guy's name, or he doesn't get paid. The PI sighs, goes quiet for a while, and agrees to refund me my money. So at this point, I'm thinking, What the fuck! Who the fuck could this guy be? Who does he think he is??? I want to clean his clock, you know? At the same time, I want definitive proof of the infidelity, so I decide not to say anything to my wife. I hatch a little plan.

One day, after I leave for work and kiss the wife goodbye, I wait outside in our garden shed. I hear a car drive up, and I run out just in time to see the guy's license plate -- a vanity plate, just one word. I immediately write it down, but the driver, upon seeing that I've run out there, drives off like a bat out of hell.

So I run inside, and I'm furiou, but I tell my wife the whole shebang. The PI, the spying, and the discovery. She breaks down, starts crying. Says she's sorry, she says she doesn't know why she's doing this, and she agrees to go to marriage counseling with me, maybe try to work this whole miserable thing out. And I say that it's fine, but that she needs to at least tell me who it is that she's been shtupping. She says she can't tell me. Even after lying to me for months, even after this giant argument, even after asking me to forgive her, she can't tell me the guy's name.

So I guess this whole long story boils down to this: I have the guy's license plate, but I don't know how to correlate that to his actual name. Does anyone know how I'd go about doing that? Just in case any of you have access to a DMV database or something, the plate was "CANDLEJACK", which I guess mea
posted by Greg Nog at 6:24 PM on July 9, 2009 [27 favorites]

Back when I was young(er) and cute(r) I heard this story. Every. Saturday. Night. Not new, unique, or sweet.

I hope they both find someone who makes them happy. But, sheesh.
posted by JoanArkham at 6:25 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Dude, gross. You fucked an old guy.

How do you know, it's Craigslist and most probably a scam.
posted by mattoxic at 6:26 PM on July 9, 2009

I've had a few different girlfriends tell me that it's okay if I'm not monogamous as long as I've tried my best to make sure they didn't know otherwise.

That's not an "unspoken understanding." That's a spoken understanding. There is a HUGE difference.

Mostly in that the latter is actually an understanding, whereas the former is at best a rationalization (and at worst a fiction) on the part of someone who wants to justify their unfaithfulness.
posted by dersins at 6:27 PM on July 9, 2009

CandleJack
posted by UseyurBrain at 6:32 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm not seeing the sweet here.

I suppose it relates to this part: or covered each other's bodies in
hershey's syrup and licked our initials into each other
posted by qvantamon at 6:33 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

"This line (and in fact the entire ad) strikes me as pretty typical of married men trying to get laid out of wedlock. I strongly suspect his wife would tell a very different story."

Like what? "I don't want him to have sex with anyone the rest of his life, especially me?"

My suspicion is that the wife's story would be either "I don't exist, except as a great reason why this guy never has to give you his phone number or address" or "What the fuck? I didn't lose interest in sex, he just started spending all his time checking for 'email' on the computer!"

That's not to say that the story isn't, in fact, a common one and that I don't have immense sympathy for anyone who finds themselves in it. It's just that this whole spiel comes accross as a little too carefully manufactured. The "unspoken" agreement clinches the deal.
posted by yoink at 6:41 PM on July 9, 2009

Totally mundane and what a loser.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 6:41 PM on July 9, 2009

In 7 years and 6 months, I'll never have heard of Candlejack or Zalg
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 6:44 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Nothing is believable on the internet. Especially the truth.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 6:47 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

I love how the internet opens us up to each other in ways which weren't possible under the previous mass media monopoly. I am also feeling a little sentimental because the blue was my first real experience of this and it's 10th birthday time.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 6:48 PM on July 9, 2009

Lies!
posted by UseyurBrain at 6:48 PM on July 9, 2009

First off, the "no sex" thing. You can't let that happen in your marriage. That is non-negotiable. Your wife may essay a few weeks of sexlessness to see how it goes over. Sort of a trial balloon. You better pop that balloon in no uncertain terms. Let her have her way in anything else. But not that. If she loves you, this will not even require a confrontation. Use all the powers of indirect communication that living intimately gives you to let her know that "no sex" is not even a possibility. She'll get it. This doesn't mean "sex whenever you want". But it does mean sex, with reasonable frequency until death do you part. This has nothing to do with who has power in the marriage. It has everything to do with marriage itself -- which includes sex. It just does.
posted by Faze at 6:49 PM on July 9, 2009

No, dude, this one is sad and, uh, sweet.

Wow, I want to find that guy a date. "Anyone besides me wants to see NBC bring back Alf?... I have all the seasons on dvd and I tell you he’s one frickin funny dude?" That is absolute gold. If he doesn't find true love then there is no hope.
posted by dammitjim at 6:50 PM on July 9, 2009

Why doesn't he just fap to internet porn like a respectable married man?
posted by brain_drain at 6:50 PM on July 9, 2009

Right, Faze, so "no" doesn't mean "no"?
posted by b33j at 6:50 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Jack off with the rest of us, asshole. Don't think you're a special sexual snowflake.
posted by yhbc at 6:51 PM on July 9, 2009 [4 favorites]

Succeeds in that it made ME want fuck him. But then again, I cried at "Up".
posted by SPUTNIK at 6:02 PM on July 9 [2 favorites +] [!]

in regards this statement and the "saddest, sweetest" way of describing the story...

1). Crying at "Up" = something that pretty much everyone did

2). Feeling sad for a guy who's pretty much clearly trying to cheat on his "understanding" wife, even though the situation is clearly bad, but he should be trying to solve the problem through other means = not so much something everyone did
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 6:55 PM on July 9, 2009

omg, I just now learned about deletedthread.blogspot.com thanks to this thread. Now, I fully expect to encounter this thread there shortly and see myself making this comment, which will totally blow my mind.

Hello future me!
posted by heathkit at 6:55 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Okay, let's take it at face value. If we don't, well, it could be some guy writing a new thesis on griefing Craigslist instead of WoW. With that in mind ...

"For better or for worse, in sickness or in health, or ... you know what, honey? I'm not going to be having sex anymore. You won't be, either."

If, after nine years, his wife doesn't have some kind of understanding, she'd either have to be deeply stupid, have an overwhelming urge to control, or a dearth of empathy. I've seen this sort of thing happen even in young couples, where one will tell the other that they're "done with that phase of their life." That's an actual quote. In some cases there's the frankly monstrous expectation that the other part will simply have to suck it up and deal.

This guy's problem isn't his Craigslist ad; it's that he waited eight years to get divorced.
posted by adipocere at 6:56 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Have you ever heard the phrase "After seven years you're a virgin again"? Something having to do with cell reproduction, and how long it takes to totally renew all the cells in the
human body?

Everyone stop saying that shit right now and go to your google. I'll wait.

That's right. That whole "We're all completely new people every seven years" shit is bullshit that some self-help asshole made up and it just gets repeated and repeated and repeated and nobody bothers to correct it but goddamn it I am doing so no.

There is shit in your body that is more than seven years old you damn idiots!

That line was dumb and it was indicative of this douche's whole shtick. He will probably get some form that post and not know how to handle an affair like an adult and end up divorced with a bitchy empty-headed girlfriend and wishing he had stayed with his wife inside a year.
posted by ND¢ at 6:59 PM on July 9, 2009 [5 favorites]

omg, I just now learned about deletedthread.blogspot.com thanks to this thread

You're going to love this.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 7:00 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Right, Faze, so "no" doesn't mean "no"?

I thought Faze pretty much explicitly exclaimed this with the whole "that doesn't mean sex whenever you want" thing.

Is there a word for somebody saying something very sensible but doing so in an assholish way? 'Cause that would apply to Faze's comment in spades.
posted by Justinian at 7:02 PM on July 9, 2009

OOPS, he disclaimed it, not exclaimed it. That sort of means the exact opposite.
posted by Justinian at 7:05 PM on July 9, 2009

Why doesn't he just fap to internet porn like a respectable married man?

I'm guessing he has a tiny sliver of life left that hasn't been completely bled out.
posted by rokusan at 7:07 PM on July 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

There is shit in your body that is more than seven years old you damn idiots!

The best evidence is tattoos. If every cell in your body is replaced after 7 years, the cells that had the tattoo ink on them would be gone, and they'd disappear. That they don't means those original cells are still around.
posted by shen1138 at 7:07 PM on July 9, 2009

Also, can we make this page blue-green? Teal, maybe?
posted by rokusan at 7:07 PM on July 9, 2009

I thought Faze pretty much explicitly exclaimed this with the whole "that doesn't mean sex whenever you want" thing.

Yeah, but he also said,
That is non-negotiable. Your wife may essay a few weeks of sexlessness to see how it goes over. Sort of a trial balloon. You better pop that balloon in no uncertain terms. Let her have her way in anything else. But not that.

So if your partner doesn't want to/isn't interested in sex, this is non-negotiable, which I took to mean You WILL have sex, whether or not you want to. (Which is also going to be pretty interesting for those couples where the man is the one with the low-libido)
posted by b33j at 7:09 PM on July 9, 2009

There is shit in your body that is more than seven years old you damn idiots!

Now I feel old.

Well, parts of me.
posted by rokusan at 7:09 PM on July 9, 2009

Also, his account of his life doesn't sound in any respect like a Russian novel.

After his wife discovers this craigslist post, she bashes his head in with a decorative pestle he bought her from a business trip to Cleveland.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 7:16 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

So if your partner doesn't want to/isn't interested in sex, this is non-negotiable, which I took to mean You WILL have sex, whether or not you want to. (Which is also going to be pretty interesting for those couples where the man is the one with the low-libido)

Yup. It's only "negotiable" if part of the negotiation is the one that wants sex gets to seek seek it out side of the relationship. Or the inevitable negotiation will end with lawyers.

Doesn't anybody read Dan Savage?

I can anecdotal confirm everything Savage has said on the matter (and I fully agree with his conclusions: Put out or accept cheating). I know at least a dozen married couples where one-sided bed death and lack of libido and the symptoms that cause them led directly to infidelity and/or divorce.

A continuing sexual relationship is one of fundamental assumptions most people make about the married relationship going in. Now with most people thing may cool a bit over time but dropping from twice a week to once in nine years? C'mon. Or even once month. That spells certain trouble.
posted by tkchrist at 7:24 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Pathetic is not sexy. Go to fucking Thailand and get a fucking prostitute, you sad little man.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 7:27 PM on July 9, 2009

Put out or accept cheating
Check out this askme where anon is soundly castigated for thinking of cheating or divorce.

I'm just saying it's not simple, and rape or enforced sex is not the answer. There's probably no one answer that will fit every situation, and sometimes situations where there's no answer at all.
posted by b33j at 7:29 PM on July 9, 2009

My wife and I have an sort of quiet, unspoken understanding.

Translation: I wouldn't mind if my wife cheated on me, so, therefore, based on that alone, I'm pretty sure she'd probably be okay with this. Well, maybe not, but what's she gonna do, divorce me? Not bloody likely!
posted by Sys Rq at 7:31 PM on July 9, 2009

I really don't get the "sneaking around" vibe from this. Clearly you people don't troll craigslust enough. The really skanky stuff is never more than a line or two.
posted by greekphilosophy at 7:40 PM on July 9, 2009

a decorative pestle he bought her from a business trip to Cleveland.
Of everything in this thread, I find this the most offensive. I've never seen a decorative pestle (or mortar) here. And I've seen Cleveland-themed mugs at my local Starbucks. Your insensitivity to our dearth of tourist memorabilia is beyond the pale and I am filled with poignant pain.


No, it's OK. I'll take it to Craigslist.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:42 PM on July 9, 2009

Also, his account of his life doesn't sound in any respect like a Russian novel.

Actually, it is just like Stivo's story in Anna Karenina. The understanding that he imagines he has with his wife is the clearest connection.
posted by grobstein at 7:43 PM on July 9, 2009

This is a married guy looking to get laid... not sad, not sweet.. we're shilling for a horny guy...

wtf
posted by HuronBob at 7:47 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

So if your partner doesn't want to/isn't interested in sex, this is non-negotiable, which I took to mean You WILL have sex, whether or not you want to.

I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he meant that it's non-negotiable in terms of continuing the marriage rather than assuming he means you should go ahead and rape your spouse. No sex in nine years sure sounds to me like a reasonable thing to get a divorce over.
posted by Justinian at 7:49 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

If, after nine years, his wife doesn't have some kind of understanding, she'd either have to be deeply stupid, have an overwhelming urge to control, or a dearth of empathy. I've seen this sort of thing happen even in young couples, where one will tell the other that they're "done with that phase of their life." That's an actual quote. In some cases there's the frankly monstrous expectation that the other part will simply have to suck it up and deal.

And sometimes it's that the woman is sick of putting up with a selfish sex partner. Some men treat sex with their girlfriend or wife like going to the bathroom--there's no love, no concern for HER pleasure, he's just fulfilling a bodily function--especially after many years of being together. Maybe she got tired of being taken for granted. Maybe she got tired of having unfulfilling sex, not just sex per se. Maybe if this guy had learned to eat pussy, or had held his wife tenderly after sex instead of rolling over and snoring, he'd be getting some right now.
posted by parrot_person at 7:49 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

and, you know there IS a best of craig's list... do we need to duplicate it here?
posted by HuronBob at 7:49 PM on July 9, 2009

I like the way he slips in his weasly pete, with ...a couple of drinks, just talk, have fun, intelligent conversation and I come in your face, but no obligation, and I pay for the drinks. Classy!
posted by VikingSword at 7:55 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Yeesh, lots of assumptions and nastiness out there, peppered with a little self-righteousness. Assuming the guy is being honest and not leaving out many important details, which is possible, then his plea is very understandable. But is he being forthright? Your answer to that question says more about you than him. Personally, I haven't got a goddamn clue.
posted by Edgewise at 7:57 PM on July 9, 2009

The "quiet, unspoken understanding" smacked of bullshit to me, too. You can have a quiet, unspoken understanding about things like how toasty you like your bread, but it's pretty impossible to come to a mutual unspoken agreement about how monogamous your relationship is.

I mean, what, did they play charades?
posted by Solon and Thanks at 7:58 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'll tell you the saddest, sweetest thing I've seen on the internet today: There is this just heartbreakingly gorgeous girl and her boyfriend takes all these pics of her in various stages of undress as they act out a game of strip poker. You can tell from the pics that she's playful about it, maybe a little modest but not at all bashful -- no good reason why she should be -- and just basically she's happy to be there, young and happy and very probably in love with this dude and a pure knockout...really, all of us should get the opportunity to experience life as this person for like five minutes, because it's gotta be awesome. But here's the sad part: I bet she never thought he'd actually post those pictures on the internet. I mean, they're free, just up there on flickr, he didn't trick her into appearing on his porn site or anything -- why would she think he would do that? Why the fuck would he do that, y'know? If she finds out, she'll be devastated, or at least deeply embarrassed. If she never finds out, she'll be dating a guy who'd post naked pictures of her for the whole world to see simply for the hell of doing it. Like I said: Sad. The Craigslist guy is like one of those people, but not the one I feel sorry for.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 7:58 PM on July 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

Some men treat sex with their girlfriend or wife like going to the bathroom

Hey, don't knock it till you've tried it!

(Actually, yeah, knock it.)
posted by Sys Rq at 8:00 PM on July 9, 2009

Monogamy means taking responsibility for your partner's needs. "You mean I have to do you?" is -- I dont't know, just a totally self-centered way to look at it. If you're a couple, you should care about your partner and want to find a way to make them happy. Beyond which, it's not a good thing to lose all your sex drive. Even self-centered people should worry what's going on.

You WILL have sex, whether or not you want to. (Which is also going to be pretty interesting for those couples where the man is the one with the low-libido)

Why would this be any different if the guy has the lower libido?
posted by msalt at 8:05 PM on July 9, 2009

Hey! I could say this is my marriage to some degree, but I wont be posting on Craigslist. I'm surviving and even prospering depending on the day.

I keep running into this persistent theme: Selfishness good, compassion bad. I better get what I want or I'm outta here. Fuck that commitment I made. I didn't know I wasn't gonna get laid when I made it. Fuck that.

This is a journey, might be in the desert now, but I move toward the horizon, sometimes close to her sometimes not. Metafilter is helpful in framing the issues. This commitment I made is not a day to day thing. I'm not expecting it to get to so bad I can't stand it, at least not today.

Through MeFi, I accidently found a simple tumblr site with just amateur images of people doing it, no spam. It gets helpful at the worst moments. I only go there once in awhile but I actually find it boring.

Unlike the Craigslist guy, I want no pity. This is not a sad life and there is no where else I should/want to be. I just want to explore life as it shows up, a little deeper, a little more. With sex or without.
posted by Xurando at 8:07 PM on July 9, 2009

"No, I'm a virtual virgin. An alternative virgin, if you will."

He's only had anal?
posted by klangklangston at 8:12 PM on July 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

Also, his account of his life doesn't sound in any respect like a Russian novel

Maybe he meant a Russian play -- you know, once a dick enters a marriage, by the last act, it has to go off?
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 8:12 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

No, dude, this one is sad and, uh, sweet.

Oh, god! Abilio was on the Philly CL personals a lot awhile back! What a bizarre ad.

Also, in regard to this post: do not, ladies, under any circumstances, go down on this guy under the auspices that he's going to do the same for you at a later date. I can smell those Nigerian cunnilingus scammers a mile away, and I caught a whiff.
posted by nosila at 8:13 PM on July 9, 2009

orthogonality: "No, dude, this one is sad and, uh, sweet."

It's not sad when you realize he's rapping the whole ad.

Really though, I think that guy is just sweet and cute and just a little silly. Were I so inclined, I might have been interested.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 8:14 PM on July 9, 2009

I can't believe this post is still here.

Guy uses online people-meeting-service to attempt adultery. FPP at 11.
posted by paisley henosis at 8:23 PM on July 9, 2009

Why would this be any different if the guy has the lower libido?
Well, I guess it depends how you have sex. If it's missionary, and the woman is not interested but chooses to participate, lube is her friend. If it's missionary and the man is not interested, well, lube's not going to help much.

Monogamy means taking responsibility for your partner's needs. "You mean I have to do you?" is -- I dont't know, just a totally self-centered way to look at it. If you're a couple, you should care about your partner and want to find a way to make them happy. Beyond which, it's not a good thing to lose all your sex drive. Even self-centered people should worry what's going on.

Yeah, no, I don't totally agree with you. What if your partner's needs are weird? Do you still owe them that? Where's the line? What if one person prefers vanilla and the other, kinky? Who wins? I think as soon as the word "should" is used in reference to a relationship, you're on shaky ground. It depends on the people, the relationship, their culture, a whole bunch of things.

Supposing one partner has a medically unfixable libido of zero and never wants sex but is prepared to service their spouse. Supposing the other partner would like sex, but only mutually satisfying sex. What do you have there? Who's "should" wins? It's a complex issue.
posted by b33j at 8:29 PM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

It's not about "winning." Sounds like the partnership isn't working out. It needs to be worked on or abandoned. And if there's going to be other partners brought into the equation, it should be freaking discussed first. It's not THAT complex of an issue. This online post about how he's sooooo deprived and is too chicken to really deal with it with the one person he pledged his life to is really pathetic, not sweet. Just sad.
posted by agregoli at 8:41 PM on July 9, 2009

This guy can't be a virgin. He's plainly and clearly fucked!
posted by loquacious at 8:50 PM on July 9, 2009

Translation: I wouldn't mind if my wife cheated on me, so, therefore, based on that alone, I'm pretty sure she'd probably be okay with this.

Doubt he 'wouldn't mind' his wife cheating. That would destroy his ability to believe that she just wasn't into sex, and make it personal about not wanting to fuck specifically him. Could there be anything more insulting?
posted by ctmf at 9:06 PM on July 9, 2009

I'm just saying it's not simple, and rape or enforced sex is not the answer.
[...]
So if your partner doesn't want to/isn't interested in sex, this is non-negotiable, which I took to mean You WILL have sex, whether or not you want to.

I didn't see enforced sex in what he was suggesting at all, who knows maybe you're right, but the way I read it he meant that if the sex leaves the relationship, so will he.

Maybe if this guy had learned to eat pussy, or had held his wife tenderly after sex instead of rolling over and snoring, he'd be getting some right now.

I'm the goddamn clit commander over here. You'll get the pussy out of my mouth when I'm dead and cold. It's better than fucking. It's not about the quality of the sex, or everyone getting held. Some women (I say some, but I've actually only had the bad fortune to be in a relationship with one of them, thus far - knock on wood) just lose interest in the sex.

I wish I'd known, when it first started to go wrong with that relationship, that no matter what I did it would never be fixed, because it seems that some relationships are just doomed to go like that. As it went on, I got more an more dispirited, and it turned into the blackest relationship I've ever had. At the end it was horrible. Our mutual friends were so relieved when we finally broke up.

The only way to solve some relationships' problems is to change all the people involved, then everyone can get back to being happy, with other people. It would have saved a hell of a lot of heartache and wasted time if I'd known that sooner (I foolishly and stubbornly thought it was worth fighting for, a mistake I'll gladly make again, but never over and over and over in one relationship again).

I pray that my hypothetical future marriage doesn't become one, because my plan is only to marry once. And if it does happen, well who knows, maybe I will marry once, but I'll also divorce once. There's more than sex to an intimate, loving relationship, but if the sex is gone, you've got to know that other things are gone too.

Some men might not care, good for them, but I'm not one of them.
posted by The Monkey at 9:07 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

I apologise for not refreshing b33j, clearly your views here are more nuanced than you were intially letting on.

Yeah, no, I don't totally agree with you. What if your partner's needs are weird? Do you still owe them that? Where's the line? What if one person prefers vanilla and the other, kinky? Who wins? I think as soon as the word "should" is used in reference to a relationship, you're on shaky ground. It depends on the people, the relationship, their culture, a whole bunch of things.

I geuss this gets down to the GGG thing, which seems like a reasonable rule of thumb.

Supposing one partner has a medically unfixable libido of zero and never wants sex but is prepared to service their spouse. Supposing the other partner would like sex, but only mutually satisfying sex. What do you have there? Who's "should" wins? It's a complex issue.

A good point, and probably revealing, but thankfully still an edge case.
posted by The Monkey at 9:09 PM on July 9, 2009

Unspoken agreement my ass. Not only do I seriously doubt his wife is cool with him getting some strange off the internet, I'd bet real money that if he came home early and found his wife humping the pool boy he wouldn't be all "Oh hi honey, glad to see the unspoken agreement is working out, I'll go to Starbucks and buy lattes for all three of us."

A sexless marriage can be a really sad place. And I'm not going to categorically denounce cheating -- I think that in some situations, it can be the healthiest and (paradoxically) most honest choice possible. But the schmooziness, for lack of a better term, of the tone of this piece really rubs me the wrong way. He is so convinced that his shtick is cute and funny and attractive, when really it reeks of dishonesty and manipulativeness.

My guess is that this will work well for him, and he'll get all kinds of dates out of it. Good for him, I guess, though I hate to see this kind of thing rewarded.
posted by Forktine at 9:11 PM on July 9, 2009

"The best evidence is tattoos. If every cell in your body is replaced after 7 years, the cells that had the tattoo ink on them would be gone, and they'd disappear. That they don't means those original cells are still around."

Not to defend this notion but this doesn't follow as tattoo ink goes in you not on you. I can replace all the pickets in my fence a board at a time and once I'm done I've got a brand new fence but my lawn is still there.
posted by Mitheral at 9:11 PM on July 9, 2009