Gary the Landlord

July 9, 2009 11:16 PM

Gary,I dropped off the key with Mike earlier today. Do you have any other reasons for holding on to my security deposit? Let me know, Gabe

Subject: RE: Key Drop-Off

GO FUCK YOURSELF…

Gary

via

posted by jabberjaw (78 comments total)

I love it when the bad guy shoots himself in the foot like that. And the nuts. And the foot again.
posted by smartyboots at 11:21 PM on July 9 [1 favorite has favorites]

You can almost hear the cirrhosis in Gary's voice.
posted by benzenedream at 11:28 PM on July 9 [4 favorites has favorites]

Um, wow. I don't really know how to react to this. Am I supposed to be amused by Gary's wacky antics? Really, this is pretty depressing. Is the guy gonna sell enough ads to recoup the g-note that he can't possibly ever get from Gary?
posted by solipsophistocracy at 11:39 PM on July 9

It's like reading about a slow, stupid train wreck as it happens. A train pulling huge tanker trailers of ... schadenfreude sauce! Oh no! Now the sauce is pouring out of the tankers! Ah! Ah! It's sweeping all before it!

Magic.
posted by nonspecialist at 11:41 PM on July 9 [9 favorites has favorites]

Is the guy gonna sell enough ads to recoup the g-note that he can't possibly ever get from Gary?

Well, if we work real hard, maybe we can turn "YOUR ARE EVICTED" into a new Internet meme, sort of along the lines of "all your base are belong..." and the guy could sell t-shirts. That's probably the best chance he has of recouping anything from this whole ordeal.

I'm glad the guy is (apparently) taking it well, though. I've had some crazy roommates and resulting drama, but never a crazy landlord. Doesn't sound like a good time at all.
posted by Kadin2048 at 11:46 PM on July 9 [1 favorite has favorites]

... Fermilab? That's some high-octane crazy.
posted by rkent at 11:48 PM on July 9 [3 favorites has favorites]

From the article;

"On that same note: I changed the name of the highschool in the emails so that you won’t try to find Gary. Everyone deserves their privacy."

Yeah Gabe, I can tell by your blog which reprints private e-mails and transcribes private voicemails that you're a real stickler on the internet for privacy.

Y'know, this Gary guy really does sound like a Grade-A asshole, but I think I agree with him somewhat that Gabe is a coward.
posted by Effigy2000 at 11:50 PM on July 9 [2 favorites has favorites]

Yeah Gabe, I can tell by your blog which reprints private e-mails and transcribes private voicemails on the internet that you're a real stickler for privacy.

Dagnammit pb, where's my 3 minute editing window?
posted by Effigy2000 at 11:52 PM on July 9

Ooh Gabe, so calm, so cool, so collected, so wry, so witty, so smug...

GO FOCK YOURSELF!
posted by ActingTheGoat at 12:03 AM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

I dunno, I kind of liked Gary. Seemed like a fun guy.
posted by From Bklyn at 12:17 AM on July 10

Everyone Needs a Gary!

(Coming to ABC this fall)
posted by turgid dahlia at 12:37 AM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

lolcaholics
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 12:40 AM on July 10 [9 favorites has favorites]

Man I'm glad that weed is illegal and alcohol isn't.
posted by Avenger at 12:41 AM on July 10 [7 favorites has favorites]

I don't know, if some asshole was harassing me and holding on to my money I sure as shit would do everything in my power to ruin his already ruined life. This guy brought it on himself.
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 12:46 AM on July 10 [4 favorites has favorites]

Also, something tells me that Gary's little story is going to end in a headline along the lines of "Shootout with police leaves local man, 63, dead."
posted by Avenger at 12:47 AM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

Yeah Gabe, I can tell by your blog which reprints private e-mails and transcribes private voicemails that you're a real stickler on the internet for privacy.

As someone who spent last month apartment/rental hunting in the St. Charles/Geneva area that the story takes place in, I will say that I am fascinated and morbidly curious about Gary's identity.

But it's not as if there's anything particularly private about the letters and the stories themselves, as long as personal identifying information is stripped out. Gabe seems to have realized that a larger audience merited more scrubbing on that count, and retroactively purged information that could identify Gary.

Having just spent six months in a slightly less bizarre scenario (our downstairs neighbors complained that my wife and I walk too loud, but entertained their three five year olds by screwing a basketball hoop to the wall in the room underneath my home office), I can say that the urge to document is strong.
posted by verb at 1:03 AM on July 10

Phhhhpppptt....anyone who thinks there is anything private about insulting and vulgar emails and voice mails from an insane drunk....well you don't have a clue about the issue. He has every right to put this stuff up. It wasn't that interesting though. I'm sure stuff like this occurs pretty often all over the place.
posted by GavinR at 1:06 AM on July 10 [2 favorites has favorites]

It wasn't that interesting though. I'm sure stuff like this occurs pretty often all over the place.

Yes, of course this kind of thing happens pretty often. It's rarely so thoroughly documented, though, and that's why it's interesting.
posted by robcorr at 1:22 AM on July 10 [3 favorites has favorites]

I suspect that Gary is mentally ill.
posted by Happy Dave at 1:27 AM on July 10 [2 favorites has favorites]

My friend had a similar long standout with a crazy neighbour. Yelling through walls and on the corridor when they met, threat notes, complaints about noise when he wasn't home. Then, one summer when the friend returned from a long vacation, he learned that the guy had shot himself in the back yard of the apartment. Unsettling to learn that all along the crazy rage guy had a gun.
posted by Free word order! at 1:49 AM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

When Iwas a kid, my folks had a crazy drunkien landlady in Houston who used to come into our house when we weren't home, and leave rambling notes for us concerning cleanliness, and general instructions for use of her house. When my parents protested that she was breaking the law by entering the home without our permission, she left us a scrawled note on the door which read "Please vacate the prememsis immediately."

Prememsis suck in the family lexicon.
posted by Devils Rancher at 3:36 AM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

Everyone Needs a Gary! (Coming to ABC this fall)

Ray Romano found another gig?
posted by maxwelton at 3:38 AM on July 10

If you look carefully, you will notice that the handwritten note from Gary to the tenant literally does the exclamation points turning into the numeral 1 thing. "GABE: I AM NOT IN JAIL!!1"
posted by tepidmonkey at 4:00 AM on July 10 [9 favorites has favorites]

Wait, someone already noticed that. OK. Well. I hope everyone in this story gets the help they need.
posted by tepidmonkey at 4:05 AM on July 10

Fock you Gabe, for giving us bipolar queers a bad name to Chicago-area landlords!
posted by xingcat at 4:21 AM on July 10 [2 favorites has favorites]

too funny
posted by caddis at 4:29 AM on July 10

Y'know, this Gary guy really does sound like a Grade-A asshole, but I think I agree with him somewhat that Gabe is a coward.

Wha? I'd say he's been pretty brave (perhaps stupidly brave) confronting a guy with obvious mental instabilities.
posted by DU at 4:34 AM on July 10

I think the MeFI mods could learn a lot from Gary:

MeMail from Jess:

Stop posting inane comments to AskMe now. Stronger message to follow.

Stronger follow-up message:

Stop posting inane commnets to AskMe, asshat.
posted by Pollomacho at 4:42 AM on July 10 [24 favorites has favorites]

Will someone let me know when this shows up on Judge Judy?
posted by Raymond Marble at 5:10 AM on July 10 [2 favorites has favorites]

Devils Rancher: have you sold the film rights? I can just see Ray Liotta or Michael Keaton in drag as the drunken landlady. Nemesis on the Prememsis: They knew they had to vacate immediately.
posted by MuffinMan at 5:10 AM on July 10 [6 favorites has favorites]

This was oddly un-engaging for a blog about such craziness.
posted by OmieWise at 5:14 AM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

As another 23 year old moving out of a similar - but not quite as wacky - situation, this resonates pretty well with me.

Thanks, dude.
posted by radgardener at 5:20 AM on July 10

Why do I get the feeling that Gabe rides a fixed-gear bike?
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:24 AM on July 10

Metafilter: Everytime it starts to get a little creepy, someone uses the term "FOCK" and then it gets kind of cute again.
posted by BigLankyBastard at 5:44 AM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

Gary is a typical prick name so no surprise there. Every Gary I know is a twat.
Reading through these posts, one almost expects the last one to be about how Gary's bound and gagged body was found hanging from a tree just off some dirt road. Gary needs to read The Secret. Gabe, on the other hand, grow a pair dude.

And God and the bible.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 5:59 AM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

> Why do I get the feeling that Gabe rides a fixed-gear bike?

Overthink. It's the essential lubricant of any good snark engine.
posted by stepheno at 6:02 AM on July 10 [5 favorites has favorites]

Why do I get the feeling that Gabe rides a fixed-gear bike?

Because you find people who ride fixed-gear bikes smug and irritating? Just a guess...
posted by nosila at 6:08 AM on July 10

Am I really the only one who found Gabe's low-key responses to his lunatic landlord hilarious?

“Remember…. Well, you don’t remember because you’re fucking queer. And you’re bipolar.” This part hit a little home because often times my queerness and bipolar disorder to cause me to forget things.
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:38 AM on July 10 [12 favorites has favorites]

Lesson: Don't have a crack-addicted lunatic landlord. okay.
posted by theora55 at 7:01 AM on July 10

Those queers, so forgetful!
posted by mrstrotsky at 7:04 AM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

Did anybody but me wonder whether Gary used to be in Pavement?
posted by escabeche at 7:18 AM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

Fermilab!
posted by notsnot at 7:35 AM on July 10

Hey wait my name is Gary, and this guy is a focking coward thin dick!

YOUR ARE EVICTED!!1
posted by shakespeherian at 7:36 AM on July 10

I think that it says something disturbing about me that I really, really love these kinds of crazy-ass internet dust ups.

There is such fun in poking the insane. All the drama and none of the personal investment.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:36 AM on July 10

This is the MeFi equivalent of reality TV. And by that I mean it's a shit post.
posted by rocket88 at 7:42 AM on July 10

Gary: GO FUCK YOURSELF! YOU COWARD MOTHERFUCKER!
Gary: And you’re never going to get it, YOU COWARD CUNT MOTHERFUCKER!

Gary's dialogue gets a lot more awesome if you imagine it read by Harry Dean Stanton in Repo Man.
posted by Nelson at 7:45 AM on July 10

Reminds me of that Beck song

Whiskey-stained buck-toothed
Backwards creep
Grizzly bear motherfucker
Never goes to sleep

It's just the shit-kicking', speed-taking'
Truck-driving' neighbors downstairs
Oh, yeah...yeah

Belly flopping' naked
In a pool of yellow sweat
Screaming' jackass with a wet cigarette

It's just the shit-kicking', speed-taking'
Truck-driving' neighbors downstairs
posted by Sailormom at 8:01 AM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

I can tell by your blog which reprints private e-mails and transcribes private voicemails...

Don't confuse MetaFilter's ironclad (and dumb, IMO) policies with general netiquette. Many, possibly most, people see no problem with reproducing e-mails in order to tell a story, assuming the identifying information has been stripped. There's a legitimate conversation to be had about whether what's left can even be described fairly as "private."
posted by cribcage at 8:34 AM on July 10

Yeah Gabe, I can tell by your blog which reprints private e-mails and transcribes private voicemails on the internet that you're a real stickler for privacy.

I don't know, dude. I think you're taking metafilter policy and applying it universally. If I sent you drunken threatening voicemails and emails and notes, you'd have every right to post it wherever the hell you want. If I called you on the phone, and called you a little dicked queer, it would somehow be... wrong for you tell people about it? I don't follow.
posted by shmegegge at 8:47 AM on July 10 [5 favorites has favorites]

fuckin' cribcage, you little dick bipolar queer from fermilab.
posted by shmegegge at 8:47 AM on July 10 [8 favorites has favorites]

I have a few anecdotal observations on the behavior of alcoholics I am actively applying to the subject of this post.

Repetition is always an import fixture of the alcoholics argumentative style. My Masters in Pop Psychology from Donahue University makes me believe that this is the alcoholic's attempt to reconcile childhood abuses through the repetition of a particular incident. The key difference between the present moment and the moment of the abuse is a reversed power dynamic. In the remake, Gary gets to wield the power of the hurtful words.

The alcoholic, hereafter referred to as "The Gary", chooses insults not arbitrarily nor through anger. The Gary chooses insults by picking words that have wounded it's own psyche at some point in the past. Leading me to believe that this particular Gary has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

This leads to an interesting turn in the patter of The Gary. The Gary takes the opportunity to "unnerve" his opponent by "playing psychologist". The Gary's statement about knowing Gabe also suffers from bipolar disorder is a self-effacing sword. It is still an attempt to "rewrite the moment" and reverse the perceived power paradigm. But, it is also a strange kind of reaching out. The Gary is, in a drunken and aggressive way, seeking commonality. The Gary will attempt to bond with the opponent by visiting their deepest hurts on the opponent. If The Gary breaks the opponent the same way, they can be broken together. It's simple reproduction. Booze addled mitosis.

The Gary has its own logic. Alcohol is a hell of a drug and taken in extraordinarily large doses, I believe, has this way of limiting The Gary's ability to imagine possibilities beyond their experience. Whatever they have experienced is the truth. This is why objective logic only antagonizes The Gary further. In effect, using objective logic sounds as much like gibberish to The Gary as his ramblings sound to us.

This blog seems to fancy itself as a light-hearted reportage and examination of an amusing subject. I see it as something wholly else.
posted by SinisterPurpose at 8:49 AM on July 10 [8 favorites has favorites]

Those queers, so forgetful!

Well, to be fair, bipolar disorder is associated with memory troubles.

The queerness, probably not so much.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 8:54 AM on July 10

Yeah Gabe, I can tell by your blog which reprints private e-mails and transcribes private voicemails on the internet that you're a real stickler for privacy.

Also, dude, by including "blog" in your sentence, you already indicated an online Web site. You didn't need the "on the internet" edit.
posted by mrgrimm at 8:55 AM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

A-haha. Aha. That was a joke.

I get it now
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 9:07 AM on July 10

There is a sort of sublime beauty here:

Subect: WHERE ARE THE KEYS TO MY HOME, YOU QUEER, TINY, BIPOLAR, GABE?????

Part of it is the randomness of the combination; homophobic slur? Sure, but "tiny"? That's fantastic, and "bipolar"? Let me tell you, when you want to really push someone's buttons, just assign them a previously undiagnosed medical condition and watch the sparks fly.

But the very best part? When he uses the person's name as a sort of pejorative;

"Steve, Why didn't you take out the trash, you gay, short, gastroesophageal reflux afflicted... Steve????"

Masterful work, this.
posted by quin at 9:19 AM on July 10 [8 favorites has favorites]

You know what Gary? I like you. You're not like the other people here in suburbia. Oh no, don't get me wrong, they're fine people, good Americans. But they're content to sit back, maybe hide the stolen iPhone in the desk. Maybe ride around a bit on their fixed-gear bikes. They're good fine people, Gary. But they don't know what the bipolar queers are doing with the Fermilab.

You know that Gabe Dunn kid - the kid who's car leaks oil like a sieve? He's a lying Indiana coward. Some of the neighbors say his old man went to Cathedral, but I don't believe it. Anyway, for his 23rd birthday, all he wanted was his security deposit back, just like his old man. "Mat, help me move my desk and chair. I'll never ask for anything else as long as I live." So the guy breaks down and helps him move his desk and chair. Anyway at 1:00 the other night I go out into my yard and there's the Dunn kid talking to the cops. I
said, "GABE, IF YOU DON’T SLAM THAT DOOR AND LOCK IT, YOU WON’T HAVE A PLACE TO SLEEP TOMORROW." He said, "That’s insane. It is ridiculous for you to ask me to do that. I’ll have a place to sleep, it just won’t be here." I say, "FOCK YOU!!!1"

Now Gary, do you think a kid like that is gonna know what the bipolar queers are doing to with the Fermilab?
posted by Dr-Baa at 9:27 AM on July 10 [7 favorites has favorites]

who's whose hoose.
posted by Dr-Baa at 9:30 AM on July 10

For those of you who truly want to get no work done today, I present: the Crazy Neighbour.
(probably NSFW at some point)
posted by mek at 9:35 AM on July 10

Yeah Gabe, I can tell by your blog which reprints private e-mails and transcribes private voicemails on the internet that you're a real stickler for privacy.

Not sure why Gary should have any expectation of privacy, here. Am I missing something?
posted by steambadger at 9:39 AM on July 10

Gary needs the trucker hat, Keds and t-shirt to go with that foCK.
posted by liza at 9:42 AM on July 10

Am I really the only one who found Gabe's low-key responses to his lunatic landlord hilarious?

I also liked

Having lived in the house for just about 2 weeks, I didn’t feel that me and Gary were at that “posting bail” level of our relationship.

and

What can I say? As much as I would like to slight you for it, your grammar is impeccable in response to THERE A GREAT DEAL YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT ME, BOY
posted by peep at 9:52 AM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

THERE A GREAT DEAL YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT ME, BOY

See, if this were a movie, this would be around the time when the reveal kicks in - under the gruff, insane exterior, Gary is actually quite an intelligent, sensitive, bruised man with a fascinating and troubling past. A past which Gabe and his father are inextricably bound up in. The unlikely friendship which emerges between Gabe and Gary is unlike anything you've seen before. The final scene, staged at Fermilab's underground particle accelerator? I won't spoil it for you, but a certain "asshole" landlord you've grown to love dies a shocking, tragic death. Bring your tissues. Landlord of the Flies, the indie-quirk sensation of 2009.
posted by naju at 10:20 AM on July 10 [2 favorites has favorites]

I think Gabe is doing a good jof of riding along with this. I am sure losing the money is not a small thing but he seems to be taking the approach I attempt every Thanksgiving- Dinner Theatre!
posted by pointilist at 10:28 AM on July 10

Metafilter: I know you're bi-polar
posted by localhuman at 10:38 AM on July 10 [2 favorites has favorites]

Personally, I just assumed that Gary confused "bisexual" and "bipolar"... I mean, insulting someone by calling them bi is odd enough, but bipolar?
posted by Squid Voltaire at 10:52 AM on July 10

THERE A GREAT DEAL YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT ME, BOY
THERE A GREAT DEAL YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOUR FATHER, BOY

Did anybody else think Gary was trying to intimate that he was Gabe's father?
posted by queensissy at 10:54 AM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

YES!

Dead Milkmen reference!

What do I win?
posted by MeatLightning at 10:56 AM on July 10

All things being equal, however, this is no Shut Up, Little Man. That's epic.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:09 AM on July 10 [5 favorites has favorites]

Ahhh Astro Zombie, thank you for reminding me of that. I had come across that site years ago and could never remember the name of it!
posted by Dr-Baa at 11:29 AM on July 10

I've spent most of my life vicinity in which the event described in this post occurred, so I took a certain amount of pride while reading, knowing that not all batshit insanity in this country comes from one of the coasts or Texas.
posted by hwestiii at 11:39 AM on July 10

GO FUCK YOURSELF MR. LEAHY!
posted by not_on_display at 1:21 PM on July 10 [2 favorites has favorites]

Was I the only one that imagined Gary as Gary Busey?
posted by Evilspork at 3:21 PM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

I dunno, I think landlords is a pretty cool guy, spouts homophobic vitriol and doesn't afraid of anything.
posted by spatula at 4:42 PM on July 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

I know Gabe's a fixie-riding smugmobile and all, but, wow, that Gary guy is kinda... terrifying. If I were Gabe, I'd be a little bit afraid that Gary's blase attitude toward the small courts claim is indicative of Gary's intent to physically assault him.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 11:34 AM on July 11

if some asshole was harassing me and holding on to my money I sure as shit would do everything in my power to ruin his already ruined life. This guy brought it on himself.

In New York, Gary would have "30 to 60 days" to return the deposit. It takes some time to assess the condition of the space, and you may need to wait for bills to arrive, etc., in case the tenant racked up some crazy expenses that the landlord is responsible for.
posted by StickyCarpet at 12:57 PM on July 11

Exactly not_on_display, I thought of Mr. Leahy. Gabe would be...well, Randy, kind of.
posted by saysthis at 9:20 PM on July 11

In New York, Gary would have "30 to 60 days" to return the deposit.

Pretty much in any jurisdiction that is the rule. However, if you were not reading closely, Gary is likely judgment proof. You can sue him and all you will win is a moral victory. Likely.
posted by caddis at 9:46 PM on July 11

Enjoying a bit of schadenfreude here, but this is completely hilarious. Love Gabe's dry responses. Ah, human nature - pass the popcorn!
posted by mnb64 at 6:49 AM on July 12