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But I can open stuck jars!
July 10, 2009 12:40 AM   Subscribe

Scientists make artificial sperm. British researchers have made human sperm out of stem cells, technically making men unnecessary for the survival of the species.

If only Valerie Solanas could have lived to see this day.
posted by idiopath (106 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
We can still have sex though, right? I mean, as practice, in case this doesn't work out?
posted by From Bklyn at 12:41 AM on July 10, 2009 [5 favorites]


Except for opening the jars amirite guys?
posted by turgid dahlia at 12:46 AM on July 10, 2009 [14 favorites]


Oh man.
posted by turgid dahlia at 12:46 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


A good tip for jars in any event is to puncture the lid delicately with the point of a knife. This releases delicious gases and obviates the vacuum seal. 'Course, then you've got a jar with a hole in it so be sure to eat all the marshmallow whip in one sitting.
posted by turgid dahlia at 12:48 AM on July 10, 2009 [6 favorites]


puncture the lid delicately with the point of a knife.

I just stab it violently but of course I'm not a man.
posted by frobozz at 12:50 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


no. If you're a dude, no more sex for you. Sorry. And no more 'manly' opening the mayonnaise jars - British super-sperm have got that all under control. Time to play 'taps' on the old Wii and sadly, slowly lower the toilet seat.
posted by Auden at 12:51 AM on July 10, 2009 [13 favorites]


Also, this article was a silly way to report on non-viable sperm being created to study the causes of infertility. Why not more on how it will actually be used instead of all the jokey stuff?
posted by frobozz at 12:53 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Wasn't the point when we developed cloning the point when men became unnecessary for the survival of the species? Although, granted, semen has a certain flair when it comes to reproduction.
posted by XMLicious at 12:54 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


...making men unnecessary for the survival of the species

Well, that takes a lot of pressure off, as far as I'm concerned.
posted by wendell at 12:54 AM on July 10, 2009 [4 favorites]


...sadly, slowly lower the toilet seat.

That would be a fantastic establishing shot for a film based on Y: The Last Man - women all over the world with soft tears in their eyes, gently lowering toilet seats.
posted by turgid dahlia at 12:55 AM on July 10, 2009 [3 favorites]


We'll just put the artificial sperm in the jars. On the top shelf. Job security.

But really, what would happen in a society of only women->women genetic combination? Would certain X-chromosome traits become rampant? Moreover, what happens when someone is born with a different gender identity. Would they be ostracized? I'm just going off on a tangent here, but it's interesting to ponder.
posted by JauntyFedora at 12:57 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


XMLicious: this is a few short steps away from sexual reproduction without the involvement of Y chromosomes, for example a lesbian couple being the genetic parents of a child (which, in all seriousness, is a wonderful thing, if we can make it work, and it will certainly work well before a gay male couple will be able to be the genetic fathers of a child).

frobozz: yes, I probably approached this in a way that was a bit too silly. I blame the fact that the redundancy of my biology is a really scary concept, and I don't know how to approach it without laughing uncomfortably.
posted by idiopath at 1:03 AM on July 10, 2009


Sweet. More time for video games.
posted by scrowdid at 1:03 AM on July 10, 2009 [3 favorites]


Previously.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 1:05 AM on July 10, 2009


Great, now even the sperm banks aren't safe from devaluation of assets. Guess I'll be putting my sperm between the mattresses.
posted by crapmatic at 1:20 AM on July 10, 2009 [35 favorites]


...this is a few short steps away from sexual reproduction without the involvement of Y chromosomes, for example a lesbian couple being the genetic parents of a child

Cloning also does not (necessarily) involve Y chromosomes. A clone essentially has a single parent, who could be a woman, so men aren't necessary.
posted by XMLicious at 1:20 AM on July 10, 2009


Yeah well, I still jerk off manually.
posted by jsavimbi at 1:23 AM on July 10, 2009 [2 favorites]


reminds me of http://arthursclassicnovels.com/arthurs/wyndham/conway10.html
posted by low_horrible_immoral at 1:25 AM on July 10, 2009


Women might not need men for reproduction anymore, but they'll want em back when they need something lifted.
posted by America at 1:43 AM on July 10, 2009


Preliminary reading. (Confusing reading when you were 9 or 10 in the 1970s, too. I imagine it would seem horribly dated now.)
posted by rory at 2:00 AM on July 10, 2009


Guess I'll be putting my sperm between the mattresses.

Way ahead of ya good buddy!
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:18 AM on July 10, 2009


When I was a kid I wanted to be a scientist, though not necessarily an artificial sperm scientist.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:33 AM on July 10, 2009


If men could make babies on their own, the last thing I'd want is for women to disappear. The thought makes me far more scared than even the most radical feminist proclaiming stem cell technology as the beginning of the end for men.

For one thing, it's hard enough to cut through the vested interests and establish unquivocally that, you know, climate change might be happening. Think of the combined lobbying power of Gilette, Anheuser-Busch, ESPN, Porsche, Home Depot etc. Exxon ain't got nothing on them.

Rest safe, brothers. Your sperm is still sacred. Our time won't come. Er, if you catch my drift.
posted by MuffinMan at 3:13 AM on July 10, 2009


A good tip for jars in any event is to puncture the lid delicately with the point of a knife

You can also use a bottle opener (one of the open-ended kind that looks like a claw) to break the vacuum seal without puncturing the lid. Simply apply slight pressure to the side of the lid and voilà.
posted by moonbiter at 3:34 AM on July 10, 2009


Your sperm is still sacred. Our time won't come. Er, if you catch my drift.
posted by MuffinMan


(Starts to speak, thinks better of it.)
posted by maxwelton at 3:35 AM on July 10, 2009


Big deal. So we'll be kept men. As in kept around for...various good reas...guys, we need to quickly assemble a convincing list of arguments in favour of our continued existence. I for one welcome etc.
posted by Glee at 3:46 AM on July 10, 2009


The practical argument for men is simply that without us, women would become dependent on machines instead. So there'd be no more independence than now, and machines aren't available in the middle of the night to spoon and steal warmth from.
posted by explosion at 3:56 AM on July 10, 2009


Well, we'll need to perfect the technology within the next 5 million yearsor so just to keep humanity around. We'll just have to enjoy having men around until then.

[NOT MISANDRYST]
posted by Jilder at 4:11 AM on July 10, 2009


and machines aren't available in the middle of the night to spoon and steal warmth from.

no, that's what *cats* are for.
posted by Ella Fynoe at 4:12 AM on July 10, 2009 [4 favorites]


But really, what would happen in a society of only women->women genetic combination? Would certain X-chromosome traits become rampant?

Men have X chromosomes, so these traits should already be rampant. But Y traits would become unrampant.
posted by DU at 4:24 AM on July 10, 2009


Eh. We had a good run.
posted by Ritchie at 4:29 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


I wasn't under the impression that women found me all that necessary now.
posted by digsrus at 4:41 AM on July 10, 2009 [8 favorites]


Every sperm is...

Really expendable?
posted by radgardener at 4:51 AM on July 10, 2009


Time to start working on yer skillz boys. If you're best moves are putting you in second place to a lump of vibrating rubber you need to work on some sets pronto.
posted by i_cola at 4:52 AM on July 10, 2009


(your best moves. Urgh.)
posted by i_cola at 4:54 AM on July 10, 2009


If one sex disappeared, the range of behavioral traits shown by the remaining sex would expand to cover the full spectrum. This has been documented (for example, on that Greek monastery island where no females are allowed, the residents became a lot less stereotypically "manly" and a lot more feminine).
posted by acb at 4:54 AM on July 10, 2009


I'm not sure I want half my choices taken away, if it's all the same.
posted by elfgirl at 4:55 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


But men are part of the species.
posted by clockzero at 5:02 AM on July 10, 2009 [2 favorites]


and machines aren't available in the middle of the night to spoon and steal warmth from.

no, that's what *cats* are for.


Lots and lots of cats.
posted by From Bklyn at 5:14 AM on July 10, 2009


Sure, and the next thing they'll claim is that fish don't need bicycles. That is not going to go over well in Toronto.
posted by maudlin at 5:23 AM on July 10, 2009 [3 favorites]


*shrugs*

Never been needed, but always been wanted.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:41 AM on July 10, 2009 [2 favorites]


technically making men unnecessary for the survival of the species

Fabulous. Now if scientists could only figure out how to eliminate my craving for cock, I'd be good to go.
posted by orange swan at 5:49 AM on July 10, 2009 [20 favorites]


So this means I don't have to turn off the TV and get off the couch? Thanks. *burp*
posted by marxchivist at 5:56 AM on July 10, 2009


Listened to a long piece about this on R4, with the scientist himself. They have NOT MADE SPERM CELLS. They have made 'sperm-like' cells.
posted by chuckdarwin at 6:05 AM on July 10, 2009


Pshaw. Male scientists created artificial sperm. I'll start sweating when the ladies figure it out.
posted by saladin at 6:06 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


But I can open stuck jars!

Pet octopodes will deal with those (and plenty else, too).
posted by progosk at 6:17 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'm making real sperm! Right now! And I'm not even a scientist!
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:18 AM on July 10, 2009 [12 favorites]


I'm making real sperm! Right now! And I'm not even a scientist!

And I'm guessing it's free to a good home, right?

Sadly, men are the cheapest way of making sperm, even if they have inefficient delivery methods. Plus it seems like we would need a menagerie of octopusses, cats, trained toilet seat lowering monkeys, and parrots, to replace them.
posted by Sova at 6:30 AM on July 10, 2009 [2 favorites]


I'll always trade in efficiency for entertainment.
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:40 AM on July 10, 2009


technically making men unnecessary for the survival of the species.

I suppose this is true if you'd be satisfied with mass produced, over-the-counter retail sperm. If so, then I guess your future looks bright. No more pale sweaty beer bellies struggling over you in the vain hopes that one of the sperm that dribbles forth doesn't have hoplessly mangled DNA. In stead, you can get your sperm at Walmart along with a super-size drink cup that leeches VOC's into your "fruit drink". Then, when discount sperm baby has a birthday, you can get him some some lead and melamine soaked toys uniquely tailored to challenge his lab-grown 101-IQ mind, like Milton Bradley's I Tried Real Hard.

And then when he grows up and can dress himself in a hockey shirt, cargo shorts and Teva sandals, all the other plasticine, retail-gene girls will notice his unremarkable jawline, non-threatening chin, and low-definition calves, and ask them out to Michael Bay's new movie Explodin' Shit and Tits. That's a nice lab-grown future you're setting up for yourselves.

But some of you ladies have a more refined sense of taste, don't you? You worked hard to get your MFA or your degree in German. Without even trying, your lipstick complements your walls and dishes. And your beauty and bearing are intimidating enough that the low-tone, eyeglass wearing "males" that pass you in the sidewalk or serve you water at the cafe wouldn't dare intrude upon your thoughts with an undoubtedly awkward advance.

And even though you attract only the best men, charming, bright, handsome, you've always wondered, can I do better for my children than to have a banker-Adonis father them?

Well now you can. You don't have to settle for the gummy, gluteny, as-seen-on-TV sperm of the underclass. Science has finally put an end to the days of flatulent, apology-laden impregnation.

For the discriminating woman, for the mother-to-be who wants to raise the next generation of scholar-athletes, for you there is Asperma™. Super sperm for superwomen.

Asperma is a patented DNA formula - the genetics of olympic decathaletes spliced with models and Nobel Laureates, suspended in a delictate blend of all-natural European sugars and protoglandins. Asperma literally glints in the light like whipped pearl, and had a subtle aroma of green apple. When Asperma meets your high cheek-boned, firmly toned egg, the chromosomes will wind together in harmony to forge evolution's next great leap forward.

Don't settle for the bleachy, sepia sperm of the frat houses or the pharmacy. Leave that to the animals. Asperma™ is all natural, all superior.

Asperma™ - the future is in your womb.

Asperma is only available by prescription. For more information, consult your doctor. Your white doctor. Not the bald one.
posted by Pastabagel at 6:53 AM on July 10, 2009 [17 favorites]


3 words for men to exist (well several of them):

Big, Hairy Spiders.

Lifting heavy things

Mowing the lawn

...................

Crap we can be replaced by Mexicans!!!!!!!!
posted by Mastercheddaar at 6:58 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Since I hurt my wrist (I'm not sure if it was moving a piano, cyclocross racing, or wanking that done it), I'm not even that good at opening jars. I am still good for piano-moving and bike racing though, and ladies need these things done. I'm pretty sure I won't be sent to the wheel any time soon.
posted by Mister_A at 7:01 AM on July 10, 2009


Michael Bay's new movie Explodin' Shit and Tits

I can't be the only person who would stand in line to see this.
posted by adamdschneider at 7:09 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Since I hurt my wrist [...], I'm not even that good at opening jars.

That was totally not where I thought that sentence was going.
posted by elfgirl at 7:11 AM on July 10, 2009 [4 favorites]


As long as most women like to fuck men, there will be demand among womenfolk for men.

However, now that men are no longer needed to provide sperm or childrearing assistance or money or societal respectability for women who want to have children, there should be fewer crap marriages. That's good.

Also, there are tools for opening jars. Hell, an octopus can open a jar, but you don't marry an octopus because it's handy around the kitchen.

You marry it for the tentacles.
posted by pracowity at 7:11 AM on July 10, 2009 [6 favorites]


anyone else feel like having a party to celebrate our new found obsoletion.

We can do it in 3 weeks when my wheat beer is ready.
posted by djduckie at 7:14 AM on July 10, 2009


Silly. A pet octopus can't listen patiently as you tell him about your day.

Oh wait.
posted by desjardins at 7:21 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


*shoots Astro Zombie with a blow dart, tags him, releases him back into the wild*
posted by kathrineg at 7:25 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Picture the most catty, process-choked, mostly-female work environment you ever saw. Now imagine that covering the entire globe. Just sayin' imagine.
posted by rahnefan at 7:35 AM on July 10, 2009


Phew. No more awkward looks at bukkake club when I've run dry... Thanks science!
posted by greekphilosophy at 7:43 AM on July 10, 2009


From the quotes in the BBC article:

Without men, there would be no one to tell women they're pretty

Ha-ha, women we've found your weakness! Quick lads, tell a lady she's pretty before it's too late!
posted by ob at 7:47 AM on July 10, 2009


Ha! I knew taking time to develop skills such as foot massage and cooking would pay off! You guys need to get up on the learning curve - if you don't update your skillset to meet a changing market, what do you expect?

"Oh but sperm will never go out of style! It's a basic necessity for life!" - same thing said by the autoworkers, typesetters, and endless other folks, now left unemployed.

(Foresees numerous cheapass vocational schools popping up - "In this competitive market, learn to be a 'keeper'! They can make sperm, but only you can make them happy! Learn how!"... I'm sure University of Phoenix probably already has courses in the works...)
posted by yeloson at 7:57 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


It's not the product, it's the delivery method!

Overnight!

Package!

Marked "FRAGILE"!

Delivered to your place of business so that it doesn't get left on your doorstep and possibly be stolen!

Left with the receptionist and glanced at by all those who pass by and wonder who got mail?!

You did!

In your vagina!

"Mail" in this analogy is meant to stand for "penis".

I'm so lonely.
posted by ND¢ at 8:07 AM on July 10, 2009 [3 favorites]


You guys need to get up on the learning curve - if you don't update your skillset to meet a changing market, what do you expect?

There's more truth in this than you probably intended. It used to be that women needed men to protect and provide for them. Now they don't. It's become much more important for a man to be attractive and personable and to generally make a woman's life better by his presence in it. But I like it that way. I would have "settled" long ago if my only other alternative was being supported by my father or working 72 hours a week for below-subsistence wages. This way being alone is at least a viable option, and when/if I do find someone it will be equals making the choice to be together rather than based on economic and/or biological necessity. Also I like a man who sees the importance of grooming as opposed to just of feeding me.
posted by orange swan at 8:11 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Much like the creation of a viable artificial blood caused the vampires in True Blood to reveal themselves, I wonder what terrifying supernatural creatures this discovery will bring out of the darkness.

::looks around fearfully for bukkake monsters::
posted by quin at 8:14 AM on July 10, 2009


There's more truth in this than you probably intended.

Well, you know, in a world where people are still afraid that gay marriage will cause all men to stop having sex with women, or that available abortion will cause all women to cease reproducing altogether...

Male insecurity is a helluva drug.

Again, if the best thing you have to offer someone is genetic material, you're not much above a vaccine or a virus.
posted by yeloson at 8:24 AM on July 10, 2009


It's become much more important for a man to be attractive and personable and to generally make a woman's life better by his presence in it.

That's right, you ugly men are going to have to step it up, no more freebies!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:26 AM on July 10, 2009


You know what? I think women freaking rule. Yeah. You heard that right. Recently divorced, acerbically bitter guy with Rock of Gibraltar on his shoulders ...totally adores women. They make this gift of a world far better than it would be otherwise be.

Under no circumstances would I eliminate our collective half. So very barbaric in the extreme.

For roughly 90% of the male population, there simply is no substitute for everything that womankind brings to bare. I know that I could never switch to the alternative should womankind disappear... I'm not wired that way. I'd just become a hermit somewhere... keeping the machines and computers running... until I dropped offline.

Hell, I don't even like to joke about it.

Oh and one more thing, just because one can give foot messages, back massages, be patient and understanding and be totally satisfying as a lover... doesn't mean that you won't find yourself displaced or replaced.

I thought I was being a pretty damned good husband... now I know that I was clinically depressed... for all that was lost during that last three years...

She probably should have just shot me in the head... it would have been more forgiving than these past six months... did wonders for the depression.

But she is much happier now...

... and my suicidal tendencies are under control...

...mostly.
posted by PROD_TPSL at 8:37 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


This thread makes me feel like I've travelled back in time and am now trapped in some 1960s weak mash-up of Mad Magazine and Reader's Digest humour.

Seriously, this is gender relations in 2009? 1969 would make more sense.
posted by jb at 8:43 AM on July 10, 2009 [4 favorites]


Presumably they could make eggs out of stem cells too. In which case, sex can be reduced to simply a fun activity.
posted by kldickson at 9:14 AM on July 10, 2009


The Rudner is strong in this thread.
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:19 AM on July 10, 2009


"flatulent, apology-laden impregnation"

I am going to make a point of using that phrase anytime it's even remotely related to the conversation at hand.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 9:23 AM on July 10, 2009


Related clip from Roger Dodger (2002)
posted by churl at 9:25 AM on July 10, 2009


PROD_TPSL: For roughly 90% of the male population, there simply is no substitute for everything that womankind brings to bare.
Oh, I see what you did there...
jb: This thread makes me feel like I've travelled back in time and am now trapped in some 1960s weak mash-up of Mad Magazine and Reader's Digest humour.

Seriously, this is gender relations in 2009? 1969 would make more sense.
Yeah, no fucking shit. Girlzone! If this thread were gender reversed, it'd be met with howls of protest. What the hell?
posted by hincandenza at 9:36 AM on July 10, 2009


So now porno scenes will end with a guy in a labcoat dispensing a single serving of artificial sperm onto the artificial tits?

Eh. I'll probably still watch it.
posted by orme at 9:43 AM on July 10, 2009


I have to agree. This is distressingly girlzone.
posted by kldickson at 9:44 AM on July 10, 2009


Oddly enough, most of the comments are from men.
posted by kathrineg at 9:46 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Yeah, no fucking shit. Girlzone! If this thread were gender reversed, it'd be met with howls of protest. What the hell?

I think we've been pretty clear over the years that this whole "what if you reversed this and said this about ______ instead of _________" isn't a great way to make an argument.

Almost every single comment in this thread is made by a guy and even the jokes-by-women are pretty tame. You're welcome to take it to MeTa, but really the thing about the boyzone callout is not that "oh hey there's a thread on guy topics with guys participating" it's "hey this thread is turning into a locker room lulzy atmosphere that is making people uncomfortable and when they say anything about it, they're met with ridicule not understanding and it makes this place feel like less of a community" It's also something that pretty rarely happens on MeFi anymore. If that's what you're saying, then certainly that's worth paying attention to, but I'm nto sure if that is what you're saying.

And yeah the Solanis link was unfortunate because it's the functional equivalent of posting a link to Ann Coulter (with accompanying "OMG that lady's crazy" backlash) but heck, the science part of this post is pretty interesting, even if framed in a somewhat lulzy manner.
posted by jessamyn at 9:47 AM on July 10, 2009 [2 favorites]


But men are part of the species.

I liked this in that it brings up what is it that we want to preserve. Humans can be 'replaced' by robots in the perceivable future too. Humans could go extinct altogether while life goes on. Would we be okay with either scenario? I think my concern is that the information we've uncovered and our creations and contributions to understanding the universe carry on whether it be a woman/man-only human race, a robot army, an energy cloud, zerg. In addition I'd hope that whatever remained carried on maintained a concern for humanism in it's new form, in that the current species continued to make life a better and happier place for it's members and that in the changeover, suffering did not occur to the outmoded model.

So if men dwindled off, so long as the new form of women could continue these traditions alone and were not cruel to the men on their way out, then so what?
posted by kigpig at 9:51 AM on July 10, 2009


An argument for the value or necessity of men must presume knowledge of what is valuable or necessary to women; something neither sex seems able to clearly identify.
posted by rahnefan at 10:01 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Yeah, no fucking shit. Girlzone! If this thread were gender reversed, it'd be met with howls of protest. What the hell?

You're taking it too seriously. Unclench and let the finger slide in.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:08 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Unclench and let the finger slide in? WTF? Again, this just shows that men are encouraged to laugh at themselves or be self-deprecating, but if you said that on a Very Special Thread about say rape education and prevention, it'd be MeTa'ed so fast your head would spin.

And that's kind of what I meant by 'girlzone'- the Mefi equivalent of a tv commercial or sitcom where the husband is always stupid and helpless without his infinitely patient saint of a wife.
posted by hincandenza at 10:18 AM on July 10, 2009


Yeah, no fucking shit. Girlzone! If this thread were gender reversed, it'd be met with howls of protest. What the hell?
posted by hincandenza at 12:36 PM on July 10 [+] [!]


No, I was talking about the terrible stereotyping of both men and women by men and women - like insulting women by claiming that they can't open jars or get things from high shelves (as if stools are alien), or implying that that is all men are good for. It's just depressing.

Do most straight couples not see each other as people? When dating, do people really see the other gender as a true Other, and not just as the people who happen to have the gonads and secondary sex characteristics they find physically attractive?

I've always grown up thinking that ideas like women need men to open jars, or that men justify their existence by the said jar-opening (rather than as unique individuals) were quaint and obsolete - that the ideas themselves were worthy of laughter. But, like I said, I feel like I've been transplanted back into a past I never really wanted to go to.
posted by jb at 10:19 AM on July 10, 2009 [4 favorites]


In other words, I didn't marry a man to get someone to open jars or get things from high shelves; I married a man because the person I loved happens to be a man, and I wanted to share my life with him. I do ask him to do things he's better at (like playing with computers, also sewing), and he asks me to do things that I'm better at (like cooking, and opening jars). It's convenient that, being a heterosexual couple, we also produce the complementary ingredients for reproduction, so that we don't have to hit up a sperm bank or a surrogate mother or deal with adoption agencies, but seriously, that is not why I have him around. He's around because I want HIM around.

That said, it sounds like the science is a long way from actually viable reproduction from two women but, as said above, if it happens that will be quite nice for lesbian couples.
posted by jb at 10:24 AM on July 10, 2009 [2 favorites]


i don't use my man for his sperm. or his footrubs. or his beauty. or his ability to open jars or mow the lawn. (those last two are sorta a lie.)

and yet, he's indispensable.

(i'm not heterosexual, either.)
posted by RedEmma at 10:27 AM on July 10, 2009


Do most straight couples not see each other as people?

Yes, imo. Most people in relationships do not on any fundamental level understand, want to understand, or care about eachother at all. It is simply by habit and needs that they are together. And the whole love thing is just a ruse for control. Romance is itself is a form of lying after all and it is, I'd guess, the most common form of meeting a heterosexual partner. Eventually almost everyone seems to fall prey to expectations of their partner whether it's expectation of their behavior or resentment that they behave in said manner. Even on the fringes where the gender lines are blurred, those people just seem to be tricksters of a sort and once stuck in a more gender rigid community, they regress into the stereotpye. Perhaps opening jars is a bad example because a most people by that point in life should have figured out a way to open a jar. And toddlers figure out the tricks to getting things off of high shelves even if it involves the cookie jar smashed on the floor.
posted by kigpig at 10:37 AM on July 10, 2009


They also said the invention of the vibrator would eliminate the need for men, not counting on our ability to adapt, and now almost every man is capable of vibrating in bed.

No? Just me?
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:39 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Call me sheltered, but is there some big journalists' conference every Friday morning where they sit down with all the press releases on the latest scientific research, pick findings at random and figure out the dumbest way they could possibly spin them? ZOMG LARGE HADRON COLLIDER MAY DESTROY UNIVERSE LOL
posted by stuck on an island at 10:39 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


A large hardon collidor would potentially elimate the need for women.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:48 AM on July 10, 2009 [7 favorites]


Yes, imo. Most people in relationships do not on any fundamental level understand, want to understand, or care about eachother at all. It is simply by habit and needs that they are together. And the whole love thing is just a ruse for control

That's a really depressing outlook. And doesn't mesh with my experience of reality (in my relationship, those of my friends and family) at all. Yes, there are relationships which have problems, but even in most of these the people involved are sincere in their emotions, even if there are other reasons that the relationship does not work.

Also, everyone knows that the whole love thing is just a ruse to get your loved one to go fetch you things, and take care of you when you're sick.
posted by jb at 10:52 AM on July 10, 2009


Unclench and let the finger slide in? WTF?

I'm yanking your chain because you seem wildly bent out shape about this. The idea that men, flesh and blood, will be replaced by a few ounces of sperm is patently silly, hence the light hearted approach to the story.

There probably are threads on Metafilter where you could argue are or became a girlzone, in a negative way. This ain't it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:55 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


hincandenza.... damn. I should have proofread. Bear. All that womankind brings to BEAR.

BEAR. - 3. To conduct; to bring; -- said of persons. [Obs.] [1913 Webster]

(So much for just making sure words are spelled correctly... must be more careful of contextual meanings.)

You see....Bare and Bear..... it's like flipping bits.

I'll go away now
posted by PROD_TPSL at 11:05 AM on July 10, 2009


That's a really depressing outlook. And doesn't mesh with my experience of reality (in my relationship, those of my friends and family) at all.

Purely referring to significant other relations. In fact, I agree that friends and family is usually not this way.
posted by kigpig at 11:16 AM on July 10, 2009


Purely referring to significant other relations. In fact, I agree that friends and family is usually not this way.
posted by kigpig at 2:16 PM on July 10 [+] [!]


I was talking about significant other relationships. And the significant other relationships of my family and friends. My own and theirs are nothing like what you described.
posted by jb at 11:37 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


So, could the stem cells be from the woman being impregnated? Using this method, wouldn't it be possible for women to give birth to genetically identical clones?

Also, I'm all for replacing humanity with sentient machines. Bodies are gross.
posted by heathkit at 11:45 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Women might not need men for reproduction anymore, but they'll want em back when they need something lifted.
posted by America at 4:43 AM on July 10 [+] [!]


Eponydepressing.
posted by odinsdream at 11:51 AM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


they'll want em back when they need something lifted.

Like my standard of living, IYKWIM!

Seriously America, are you interested in participating here or just being a one-off joke account?
posted by jessamyn at 12:03 PM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Brandon Blatcher: I'm yanking your chain because you seem wildly bent out shape about this. The idea that men, flesh and blood, will be replaced by a few ounces of sperm is patently silly, hence the light hearted approach to the story.

There probably are threads on Metafilter where you could argue are or became a girlzone, in a negative way. This ain't it.
Eh, you're probably right. Went out and had my morning latte, and I'm feeling much mellowed now. :)
posted by hincandenza at 12:24 PM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Latte makes you mellow? I had one and I spent the past three minutes alternating between screaming and chewing on my keyboard.

Not a coffee drinker.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:47 PM on July 10, 2009


Latte makes you mellow? I had one and I spent the past three minutes alternating between screaming and chewing on my keyboard.

Not a coffee drinker.


And yet, you vibrate in bed?

Curiouser and curiouser.
posted by hippybear at 12:49 PM on July 10, 2009


Went out and had my morning latte, and I'm feeling much mellowed now

That's 'cause I put crushed Valium in it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:18 PM on July 10, 2009


I think it's a light conversation because getting deeper about this could get really uncomfortable really quickly.
posted by Pronoiac at 1:46 PM on July 10, 2009


turgid dahlia: A good tip for jars in any event is to puncture the lid delicately with the point of a knife. This releases delicious gases and obviates the vacuum seal. 'Course, then you've got a jar with a hole in it so be sure to eat all the marshmallow whip in one sitting.

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TELLING THEM!?!?

THEY'RE JUST GONNA GET RID OF US!

FUCK
posted by koeselitz at 8:55 PM on July 10, 2009 [2 favorites]


Also, it's much less destructive to just tap on the edge of the jar lid with a the back of a table knife, causing a minor dent that breaks the seal but still allows one to close the jar again.

Doesn't everyone over the age of 6 know how to do this?
posted by jb at 9:28 AM on July 11, 2009


Butter knife up between the jar and side of lid, apply slight outward pressure until pop, open, enjoy.

There's more where that came from, ladies. Lots more. I'll trade it for sex and childrearing.

/what, did I say something?
posted by saysthis at 9:56 PM on July 11, 2009


I have never been necessary, but I've always considered this part of my charm.
posted by Eideteker at 1:16 AM on July 12, 2009


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