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July 12, 2009 11:29 AM Subscribe

Worst Parents Ever
posted by Christ, what an asshole (133 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

meh
posted by oddman at 11:33 AM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

the ending there. it kind of turns..
posted by localhuman at 11:34 AM on July 12, 2009 [6 favorites]

Free cat and monkey!
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:35 AM on July 12, 2009

all told, not bad.
"It taught us all an important lesson about holes"
posted by Tbola at 11:37 AM on July 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

Well if you had a kid that could do that...
posted by bigmusic at 11:37 AM on July 12, 2009

Uh...
posted by djeo at 11:41 AM on July 12, 2009

Not realistic. Nobody treats their child as well as they do their dog.
posted by gman at 11:43 AM on July 12, 2009 [17 favorites]

That did not end how I expected.
posted by nooneyouknow at 11:43 AM on July 12, 2009

That was about a minute longer than it needed to be. Why I kept watching is beyond me...
posted by spiderskull at 11:47 AM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

(Although it had its moments)
posted by spiderskull at 11:47 AM on July 12, 2009

Yuck.
posted by Malor at 11:48 AM on July 12, 2009

Mildly amusing, if predictable, until the end when it became unnecessarily disturbing.
posted by Saxon Kane at 11:52 AM on July 12, 2009

Pretty well done; I was pleasantly surprised.

What sets this apart from 99% of short/sketch comedy out there, including everything on SNL, is that it actually had an ending. Rather than thinking of a premise and beating on it unmercifully until it crawls off to die, they actually went somewhere with it.
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:54 AM on July 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

ha ha the ending was like i was watching something else entirely.
posted by djduckie at 11:56 AM on July 12, 2009

they didn't pull any punches, I'll give them that much.
posted by empath at 11:57 AM on July 12, 2009

More great parenting.
posted by empath at 11:58 AM on July 12, 2009

The ending makes it good.
posted by Pendragon at 11:58 AM on July 12, 2009

Made by people without children.
posted by From Bklyn at 11:58 AM on July 12, 2009 [16 favorites]

FPPs that force us to invest 2:43 plus loading time before we get to find out whether this would be of interest are the work of lazy mefites. not much filtering there, people.
posted by krautland at 12:00 PM on July 12, 2009 [4 favorites]

This is the best of the web? Maybe I should go read a book...
posted by Blasdelb at 12:01 PM on July 12, 2009 [6 favorites]

I approve of that message.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 12:05 PM on July 12, 2009

It needs more Keyboard Cat.
posted by HumuloneRanger at 12:10 PM on July 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

Christ, what an asshole, Christ, what an asshole.
posted by Askiba at 12:14 PM on July 12, 2009

started off hilarious, then promptly became HA HA CHILD ABUSE. No.
posted by xthlc at 12:15 PM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'll admit it had me fooled for a while, but the ending was so obviously fake. C'mon people, some effort pls.
posted by naju at 12:16 PM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

I hate it when something is trying to be offensive and funny and ends up neither amusing me nor letting me get my panties in a thoroughly satisfying horrified and disgusted twist.
posted by mostlymartha at 12:18 PM on July 12, 2009 [3 favorites]

I feel unclean and deflated, like I just watched a Wayans vehicle. Amazing that they managed to pack that into two minutes.
posted by fleetmouse at 12:21 PM on July 12, 2009

Snark snark un-PC joke about infants snarky is-this-advertising? rhetorical, snark snark best-of-the-web?! swipe going out the door in a huff ...in search of more sketches from the troupe; or not.
posted by Glee at 12:25 PM on July 12, 2009

**Eponysterical
Christ, what an asshole
posted by Librarygeek at 12:25 PM on July 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

This could have been funny.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:29 PM on July 12, 2009

Well, get ready for more of this self-indulgent, over-the-top "irritainment" bullshit in the coming weeks. We have Sasha Baron Cohen to thank.
posted by jbickers at 12:29 PM on July 12, 2009 [3 favorites]

"you wanna play catch with somebody? why don't you play catch with me, tough guy!" is like a line from a Peewee Herman movie.
posted by idiopath at 12:32 PM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

FPPs that force us to invest 2:43 plus loading time before we get to find out whether this would be of interest are the work of lazy mefites. not much filtering there, people.

Gerald: Hey guys, I've got this great joke. ..so a grasshopper walks into a bar--
Howard: Wait, hold up!
Gerald: Uhh, what's wrong?
Howard: What's the punchline?
Gerald: ...what do you mean?
Howard: The punchline -- give it to me.
Gerald: I'm...getting there. Let me finish the joke.
Howard: I must deduce if this joke will be worth my time. Tell me the ending!
Gerald: Uhh, alright man. *whispers into Howard's ear* (The grasshopper is named Steve.)
Howard: Sounds promising. Proceed.
Gerald: Ok...so a grasshopper walks into a bar, saddles up by the bartender, and orders a tall drink. The bartender looks the grasshopper up and down and says, "Say, you know there's a drink named after you?" The grasshopper looks up and asks, "What? There's a drink named Steve?"
Howard: ...well that was stupid.
posted by Christ, what an asshole at 12:44 PM on July 12, 2009 [59 favorites]

irritainment

Is that from the same company that manufactured words like "staycation" and "wikipedia"? I love their stuff!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:46 PM on July 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

Hey! Keep Pee-Wee out of this. Pee-Wee Herman movies are awesome.
posted by Hoopo at 12:46 PM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

The first gag was the funniest.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:57 PM on July 12, 2009

Initially thought-provoking, then quickly turned to dumb satire, then to mean-spirited absurdist slapstick. Like a skit from MadTV, except I actually watched it.
posted by jabberjaw at 12:59 PM on July 12, 2009 [4 favorites]

I want my 2:43 back please. This is remarkably not any good.
posted by Bokononist at 1:13 PM on July 12, 2009

MetaFilter: Like a skit from MadTV, except I actually watched it
posted by crayz at 1:15 PM on July 12, 2009 [3 favorites]

I think they used a doll in that film.
posted by ericb at 1:20 PM on July 12, 2009 [4 favorites]

I don't know, from the basic premise to the SHOCK ENDING, I don't know what could fix this (other than not having made it). It seems wrong from the get-go.
posted by Auden at 1:40 PM on July 12, 2009

That video is the opposite of funny.
posted by Avenger at 1:46 PM on July 12, 2009

You people are being too hard on it. I mean, come on, it would have been funny if it were funny.
posted by Flunkie at 1:48 PM on July 12, 2009 [5 favorites]

I want your money back.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:49 PM on July 12, 2009

I watched about ten seconds worth and then said "Wait a minute here." So I went back and checked the comments and saw that they were pretty evenly divided. So I didn't go back. Now I'm going to go do something awesome with the 2:33 I saved.
posted by digsrus at 1:50 PM on July 12, 2009

Not offended, mildly amused, mostly bored.
posted by 2sheets at 2:01 PM on July 12, 2009

I laughed. It was funny.

(see the joke is that babies aren't like dogs. It's not about abuse, it's laughing at the comparison between babies and pets.)
posted by jb at 2:17 PM on July 12, 2009

This is weirdly appropriate. How many times have you heard people do the "pets are training for kids" thing? And it's off by about thirty degrees. It's not that learning the demands of pets provide some magical insight into infants, toddlers, children, and teens. Nope.

It's that if you can't take care of a dog, you really could stand to think twice about having a kid. It's a test, not training.

People actually do things like have kids drink out of bowls on the floor. People have weird, pointless standoffs with the police that end in tragedy. That's what makes this clip just a little uncomfortable underneath the easy yuks.
posted by adipocere at 2:19 PM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

OK, my initial reaction was meh, but then I got bored and bailed out half way through. After everyone commented about the ending I went back for more. Everyone one of you f*ckers who commented about that ending should be sentenced to a month of continuous dead baby jokes. The ending is surprising, yet worse than the rest of the video. Spoilers (enlarge your fonts):The parents throw the baby at the cops and it attacks, like a dog, and gets tazed of course, then one or more parents commits suicide. meh.
posted by caddis at 2:21 PM on July 12, 2009

god, it's happening...I'm becoming generous to entertainers....Funny! Very funny!!!
posted by gorgor_balabala at 2:22 PM on July 12, 2009

See, and here I thought Stephen Malkmus would make a great dad.
posted by koeselitz at 2:24 PM on July 12, 2009

The baby licking the kennel cage door was a pretty funny visual though...
posted by Windopaene at 2:26 PM on July 12, 2009

Ha ha, babies are funny.
posted by !Jim at 2:37 PM on July 12, 2009

"He probably smells your baby!"
posted by chambers at 2:39 PM on July 12, 2009

Well, I would never have called a dog-carrier (dog crate?) a 'kennel'.

Which proves that even from the dumbest video, I can pick up some new odd-sounding regional language. Nifty.
posted by rokusan at 2:51 PM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

What sets this apart from 99% of short/sketch comedy out there, including everything on SNL, is that it actually had an ending. Rather than thinking of a premise and beating on it unmercifully until it crawls off to die, they actually went somewhere with it.

Well, no, they didn't. I mean, what's the premise? That if they're psycho enough to treat their kid like a dog, they're psycho enough to... no, sorry. The original SNL cast (or, more accurately, the writers for that cast) did something they called "dropping the cow" a few times, where when they'd written a sketch they couldn't think of any sort of an ending for, they literally dropped a life-size cow onto the stage (a tribute to the catapulted cow from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) as a way of ending. They completely dropped the cow here.
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:51 PM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

That wasn't an ending. That was a cop-out because they couldn't think of a funny ending.
posted by rokusan at 3:12 PM on July 12, 2009

The baby face-plant at about :58 made me laugh.
posted by JT at 3:15 PM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

Holy shit that was boring.
posted by tastydonuts at 3:15 PM on July 12, 2009

The part where they hit the baby on the couch and knocked the baby brutally to the ground. Ha ha, that was hilarious. (Er, creepy).
posted by Nelson at 3:16 PM on July 12, 2009

This would have been much funnier if it had visibly involved hipsters. I didn't see any hipsters, and I only praise things that have hipsters in them.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 3:18 PM on July 12, 2009

This was funny - I am right about this and everyone above is wrong. Fact.
Or perhaps humour is kind of a subjective thing.
One of the two.
posted by chill at 3:22 PM on July 12, 2009

Wow, that was kinda awful. I think it became awful for me when the woman who was going to babysit for two weeks started shouting "I am not comfortable with this!" I mean, that's what the audience is supposed to be feeling right at that moment, so it kinda spoils things to have a character on-screen yelling the same thing. It was way too on-the-nose. Somehow this made it the opposite of comedy.
posted by otherthings_ at 3:28 PM on July 12, 2009

That baby looked perfectly happy to me.
posted by king walnut at 3:28 PM on July 12, 2009

rokusan: That was a cop-out because they couldn't think of a funny ending.

I see what you did there.
posted by otherthings_ at 3:31 PM on July 12, 2009

No, these are the worst parents in the world.
posted by zardoz at 3:33 PM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

It would've been better with Samantha Bee in the mom role. But not Amy Poehler or Maya Rudolph.
posted by blucevalo at 3:37 PM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

Where was the alcoholism, verbal abuse, screaming fights at 3am? No hate, racism, filth?

You call that the worst parents ever?
posted by pianomover at 3:39 PM on July 12, 2009

I think it captured a day in the life of being a parent really well.
posted by nola at 3:46 PM on July 12, 2009

Christ, what a bunch of assholes.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 4:00 PM on July 12, 2009

My wife sometimes accuses me of being the worst dad ever.
posted by ColdChef at 4:04 PM on July 12, 2009 [31 favorites]

I didn't quite lol, but I still appreciate anything that shits on Orange County.
posted by EatTheWeak at 4:22 PM on July 12, 2009

Breeders! Sheesh.
posted by dhartung at 4:27 PM on July 12, 2009

Coldchef, this post was worth your comment.
posted by jabberjaw at 4:31 PM on July 12, 2009

Made by people without children.

For people without children.

Can I have my 3 minutes back please?
posted by zarq at 5:30 PM on July 12, 2009

In comedy, frequently, less is more.
posted by Xoebe at 5:55 PM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

For people without children.

Can I have my 3 minutes back please?

No, because people without children don't have the proper experience to fathom life. Spend your three minutes on that. ;)
posted by caddis at 6:12 PM on July 12, 2009

Where is the joke? Why does it turn into an art film at the end?
posted by johngoren at 6:17 PM on July 12, 2009

I mean, it was funny as a three-line throwaway joke in an Erma Bombeck book, but that took me all of two seconds to read and smile at. It would have been funny as a one-panel cartoon. Maybe even mildly funny as a three-panel strip. I think a six-panel Sunday strip would have been too long, though.

Nearly three minutes... yeah.
posted by Scattercat at 6:49 PM on July 12, 2009

Like a skit from MadTV, except I actually watched it.

This skit from MadTV is actually worth it. It's the only one funny enough to ever watch more than once.
posted by Deathalicious at 6:53 PM on July 12, 2009

This is the best of the web? Maybe I should go read a book...

Ok, can't resist. May I suggest my book, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog?

And yes, it's nonfiction.
posted by Maias at 6:55 PM on July 12, 2009

No, because people without children don't have the proper experience to fathom life. Spend your three minutes on that. ;)

Some of the folks commenting in this thread certainly don't seem to.

My personal suspicion is that parents are unlikely to be receptive to portrayals of infant abuse. At least, I'd like to believe that's so.
posted by zarq at 6:56 PM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

see the joke is that babies aren't like dogs

Yeah, they're more like cats. We replaced our daughter with a cat when she went to college, and it was just about the same.
posted by Peach at 6:57 PM on July 12, 2009

Sorry, guess I need to preview the movie next time, I had no idea they kept milking this Steven Seagal bit.
posted by Deathalicious at 6:57 PM on July 12, 2009

I saw David Carradine and now I am sad.
posted by Astro Zombie at 8:01 PM on July 12, 2009

Why did Best Buy employees want the child?
posted by mccarty.tim at 8:07 PM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

Having kids turns normal people into humourless idiots. This thread is proof.
posted by benzo8 at 9:14 PM on July 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

I have kids, and my wife and I thought it was fucking hilarious.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 9:25 PM on July 12, 2009

I thought we were finally doing a Jon and Kate +8 thread. But nooooooo....
posted by paulsc at 9:53 PM on July 12, 2009

Is there anyway to filter out crap SLYT posts? Maybe have a button where if enough people flag the post it'll send them to a different subfilter like slyt.metafilter.com? Anecdotally, less than 2% of the "HAY GUYZ CHECK OUT THIS FUNNY VID LOL" are actually funny.
posted by Talez at 9:53 PM on July 12, 2009

I don't know if this guy qualifies as worst Dad ever, but he should win some kind of bad parenting award.
posted by BrotherCaine at 12:07 AM on July 13, 2009

Ok...so a grasshopper walks into a bar, saddles up by the bartender, and orders a tall drink.

I think you mean sidles, not saddles.

(Yeah, I'm correcting someone's grammar 12 hours after the fact. A bit obsessive, I know. Shame on the rest of you for not catching it sooner.)
posted by ryanrs at 12:25 AM on July 13, 2009

It was funny.
posted by grubi at 5:42 AM on July 13, 2009

What a great way to start off a very long and dull week.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 5:55 AM on July 13, 2009

I love Summer of Tears.

TEEN WOLF is pretty much the BEST video on the internet.
posted by hissing sissing at 6:56 AM on July 13, 2009

Having kids turns normal people into humourless idiots. This thread is proof.

Yay LOLBreeders! That never gets old!

Here are much funnier child abuse videos. Be patient through the intro.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 7:21 AM on July 13, 2009

LittleMissCranky: "Yay LOLBreeders! That never gets old!"

Giving something a cutesy tag and claiming it's commonly said doesn't affect its veracity.

(While there are always exceptions) in my experience, becoming parents focuses people incredibly tightly on a world that contains only themselves and their offspring. They become incredibly selfish (within the constraints of that nuclear group) and completely humourless towards those outside of the group. Logic goes out of the window in deference to "protect at all costs" and any little thing that may be inferred as a threat is treated as such.

Worse, parents find it impossible to understand why other people don't feel the same way about their children even though they would never countenance allowing someone enough access to have the opportunity to do so.

Parents believe the world owes them something because they are procreating and yet, in my lifetime, the population of the world has more than doubled. We don't need your kids, they're not special to me, and if I want to imagine blending one into a smoothie then that's my prerogative...
posted by benzo8 at 7:57 AM on July 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

I mean, it was funny as a three-line throwaway joke in an Erma Bombeck book, but that took me all of two seconds to read and smile at. It would have been funny as a one-panel cartoon. Maybe even mildly funny as a three-panel strip. I think a six-panel Sunday strip would have been too long, though.

You just reviewed every sitcom currently on American TV.
posted by Zambrano at 9:03 AM on July 13, 2009

Is there anyway to filter out crap SLYT posts?

posted by Talez at 9:53 PM on July 12 [+] [!]
posted by Pantengliopoli at 9:15 AM on July 13, 2009

First of all, regarding this thread derail I see all the time from non-parents about how obsessed we are with our children and how we think we are so superior because we are devoting our lives to raising our little bundle of sunshine instead of wanking off or whatever it is you non-parents do...
1) Yes, we are obsessed with our little mini-humans. That is our job as parents. 2) We really do not care at all about what non-parents think of us. We like non-parents just as much as we do parents. Why would we want everyone else to be a parent? Could there be a little projection going on here? (Almost half the time it was an accident, anyway!)

Secondly, regarding the alleged humor of this piece - and, boy, do the reactions here prove the subjectivity of humor. I'd like to see a Venn diagram of those who think the kitten on the keyboard videos are funny and those who think this one is funny. I bet there is not a lot of overlap.
posted by kozad at 9:30 AM on July 13, 2009

Some people clearly don't understand how precious babies are. They are God's most precious gift, and you don't joke about gifts from God. Even if you don't believe in God, you don't joke about babies. Some people can't have children. You wouldn't think watching other people mistreat a baby was so funny if you couldn't have one of your own, I bet. Also, many many babies in this world are actually mistreated and abused by their parents, so it's not funny to show parents abusing a child, even in a patently absurd situation. If you had been an abused child, you'd know that being fed dog food isn't funny, it's horrible. I think that some people clearly need to spend some time at a children's shelter or hospital in order to get a real idea of what it's like for babies, so that they don't make terrible jokes like this that aren't funny and offend decent people and are stupid anyway so that's why nobody thinks they're funny. babies aren't something you joke about. ever.
posted by shmegegge at 9:32 AM on July 13, 2009 [7 favorites]

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!
posted by naju at 9:39 AM on July 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

Secondly, regarding the alleged humor of this piece

I did not find it ha-ha funny, but I did appreciate the boundary pushing. Sometimes comedy should push at the boundaries of what's acceptable.
posted by empath at 9:43 AM on July 13, 2009

/me looks at shmegegge for a moment, concerned. Just a moment. It passes. A broad smile crosses my face, and breaks into laughter. Nice one... Nice one indeed.

kozad: "2) We really do not care at all about what non-parents think of us. We like non-parents just as much as we do parents. Why would we want everyone else to be a parent? Could there be a little projection going on here? (Almost half the time it was an accident, anyway!)"

Projection? Lost me there I'm afraid...

Why would you want everyone else to be a parent? So you're not suffering alone, plainly. Every parent tells you how it'll be different when it's you own child, as if making an 18-year-old commitment is the way to find out for yourself. It's bullshit - you all fucking hate your kids, your lives and your (lack of futures) and (particularly that half for whom it was an accident), you want everyone else to suffer the way you're suffering - it eases your pain somewhat, if only by reducing the incidence of you seeing happy, non-child-lumbered people.

Get over it. Put the kid in a blender and go to a club. You know it makes sense.
posted by benzo8 at 9:46 AM on July 13, 2009

Oh, and for the record, put me down as a non-abusive parent who thought this was funny. (I also like cats and I play the piano, but cats playing the piano are only funny when it happens in real life, in my opinion. On YouTube: annoying.)
posted by kozad at 9:49 AM on July 13, 2009

benzo8...I, for one, have never once told a non-parent how it will all be different when they have a child. I assume it's pretty fucking obvious. Also, my first 17 years of child-rearing has been a hell of a lot of fun, and it hasn't stopped me from having a future (or a present, or a past, although I'm sure you've done a lot more club-hopping than I have.) I can't claim to have enjoyed every moment of parenting (Daddy needs to go lie down for fifteen minutes now), but I do love my child unreservedly. I really doubt many parents hate their kids. And if you want to live a child-free life, really, go ahead, it doesn't make any difference to me. I don't care if you have a dog or believe in Jesus, either. None of those decisions affect my life.
posted by kozad at 10:31 AM on July 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

Having kids turns normal people into humourless idiots. This thread is proof.

It's true. Some people, when confronted with kids and parents, turn into complete jerks who can do nothing but bitch about people who have kids, and go on ad nauseum how superior they are for not procreating.

I didn't particularly find the skit funny, but I figured that was just because it was so insanely slow and obvious until the end when it became violent and stupid.
posted by papercake at 10:32 AM on July 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

As someone who has surrounded themselves with pets and guns, but refuses to have kids, I don't understand what is wrong here.

The kid in the carrier should have had water, I suppose. Is that what made them bad parents?
posted by quin at 10:33 AM on July 13, 2009

I didn't watch the video, so I guess I win. (I don't laugh at keyboard cat, but I can semi appreciate it.) ... But then I read the comments. Oops.

Why would you want everyone else to be a parent? So you're not suffering alone, plainly. Every parent tells you how it'll be different when it's you own child, as if making an 18-year-old commitment is the way to find out for yourself. It's bullshit - you all fucking hate your kids, your lives and your (lack of futures) and (particularly that half for whom it was an accident), you want everyone else to suffer the way you're suffering - it eases your pain somewhat...

I think you've got it wrong. Yes, I'm sure there are a lot of regretful parents, accidents or not, and that's a horrible life for a kid, but that's life, and a lot of kids have survived it and thrived as adults.

However, there are tons of wonderful parents out there who love their children like themselves, and most importantly, made an educated decision to raise a child or multiple children.

It's not an 18-year commitment, it's a lifetime commitment. And one that many of us made after very careful consideration. There's no doubt (to me) that it's one of the toughest jobs in the world (mostly for the emotions involved), but it's worth it (again, to me) to see the first smile on your child's face, or his first laugh, or her first steps. On and on it goes...

That may be why some parents encourage non-parents to raise a child. How terrible!

I realize that non-parents are fairly sensitive about the subject, and I almost never bring it up with those friends who have opted out.
posted by mrgrimm at 10:43 AM on July 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

in my experience, becoming parents focuses people incredibly tightly on a world that contains only themselves and their offspring. They become incredibly selfish (within the constraints of that nuclear group) and completely humourless towards those outside of the group. Logic goes out of the window in deference to "protect at all costs" and any little thing that may be inferred as a threat is treated as such.

Hm. A little harsh, but I kind of see your point. I don't think it's entirely accurate however. In my own experience, parents who get this way were trending towards it long before the kid arrived, and the offspring just gives them the excuse to fully indulge in this kind of behaviour. I think becoming a parent just intensifies who you really were all along. I also find that other people tend to treat us breeders differently post-baby based on their own assumptions. For instance, if I want a night out on the town, I usually have to call my friends and suggest it myself.

To get back to the post, I thought the clip was mildly entertaining, but I think they could have done way more with the concept. Promising start, disappointing finish.
posted by Go Banana at 11:02 AM on July 13, 2009

I also find that other people tend to treat us breeders differently post-baby based on their own assumptions. For instance, if I want a night out on the town, I usually have to call my friends and suggest it myself.

as a non-baby-having friend of a baby-having couple, yes this is true. marriage also results in this. frankly, having a steady girlfriend also tends to result in this, as I now have to call other people up to let them know my girlfriend and I are going out if they care to join. it just makes sense. it's not a form of prejudice or anything, it's just common sense. and as with all other forms of common sense, it has its moments where it isn't really all that accurate. but still, i'm not going to call up my newly be-childed friend every friday through wednesday and be like "hey, you coming out or are you lame again?" it gets tiresome for both of us.
posted by shmegegge at 11:20 AM on July 13, 2009

Whatever your stance is on child-rearing, child-having and the humor level of child abuse sketches is, can we please, Please, PLEASE agree once and for all to retire the term "breeder?"
posted by EatTheWeak at 11:32 AM on July 13, 2009

Is that from the same company that manufactured words like "staycation" and "wikipedia"? I love their stuff!

There newest product is "webinar" - but clearly they didn't spend much on R&D for it.
posted by Nabubrush at 11:59 AM on July 13, 2009

Dammit.
posted by Nabubrush at 11:59 AM on July 13, 2009

can we please, Please, PLEASE agree once and for all to retire the term "breeder?"

Why? What's the alternative? "Parent" is not unique to those who biologically reproduce, in common cultural parlance. If you choose to breed, you bred and are a breeder. Own it. It can be used derisively, as can anything.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:02 PM on July 13, 2009

i'm not going to call up my newly be-childed friend every friday through wednesday and be like "hey, you coming out or are you lame again?" it gets tiresome for both of us.

Sorry--I should have clarified that all my friends (like me) are older and lamer and sadly no longer have the stamina (or metabolic liver function) for this. I meant that they often don't call when they go out once every couple of weeks or so. Dang, do I ever miss those days though....
posted by Go Banana at 12:26 PM on July 13, 2009

Those who would react to the term "breeder" are "breeder reactors". One measure of a reactor's performance is the "breeding ratio" (the average number of babies created per breeder). Historically, attention has focused upon reactors with low breeding ratios (at or slightly above a breakeven value of 1.0), so that they produce only slightly more babies than they consume. It is therefore possible to infer that breeder reactors who react negatively to the term "breeder" must either be consuming or producing an odd number of negative babies. So, to those negative breeder reactors out there, stop eating odd babies.
posted by ooga_booga at 1:04 PM on July 13, 2009 [4 favorites]

CaseyB: "I'm sorry that your friends can't come out and play with you as often as they used to. Perhaps you should try to make some new friends?"

Nice try, but nope - missed that mark with that one... I have a foolproof system for replacing each pair of friends who fall foul of childbirth with new, clean friends within the hour. No mess, no fuss, no kids...

Still, if I had a euro for every time my girlfriend (of ten years) and I have been called selfish because we choose not to have kids, I'd... well, I'd probably have a fiver by now (as long as you didn't count my mother, who'd have bankrupted herself twice over already). I admitted when I opened my comment that I was aware it was a generalisation, and that there were exceptions. And I can only talk from my experience. But that experience is, as I approach 40, people's inability to deal with my own life decisions gives lie to the "breeders don't care about non-breeders" assertion - for some reason, they surely do...
posted by benzo8 at 1:49 PM on July 13, 2009

I always hear this from non-breeders, and my reaction is "Jesus Christ, who are these assholes to judge someone - out loud! - for not having children?" This is no different than my saying to a friend, "What a self-centered lout you are for not having given up an hour or two a day to practice violin for ten or twenty years! You could be making a contribution to the world of music, but, no, you had to fritter your life away dancing and blogging and who knows what."

Also, it should not come as a surprise to anyone that some of us breeders have had certain selfish reasons for having children.
posted by kozad at 3:18 PM on July 13, 2009

Coldchef, this post was worth your comment.

Seconded.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:36 PM on July 13, 2009

Coldchef, this post was worth your comment.

Seconded.

My Flickr stats jumped through the roof today. Looks like that tacky pic got picked up by Reddit. Man. I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do to her when she's a teenager.
posted by ColdChef at 4:05 PM on July 13, 2009

I hate this word as a comment, but there really is no better-suited word for my reaction: Meh.
posted by WCityMike at 5:46 PM on July 13, 2009

kozad: "I always hear this from non-breeders, and my reaction is "Jesus Christ, who are these assholes to judge someone - out loud! - for not having children?""

Well kozad, you seem like one of the less annoying parents who fall outside of my generalisation, so we're cool... I'm still not babysitting for you though!
posted by benzo8 at 11:46 PM on July 13, 2009

What was designed to offend concerned citizenry obviously has. I'm sure they're delighted. I thought it was great - being more over-the-top-in-your-face-gore graphic would have helped - but it was great. More please.
posted by felch at 3:18 AM on July 14, 2009

Also, it should not come as a surprise to anyone that some of us breeders have had certain selfish reasons for having children.

Organ farming?
posted by contraption at 10:47 AM on July 14, 2009

contraception.
posted by From Bklyn at 2:08 PM on July 14, 2009

contraception.

"Je vais le bonbon!" : Use Condoms
posted by ericb at 10:50 PM on July 14, 2009

Just a note. That would be "I am going the candy." Pretty sure it's Je veux des bonbons
posted by Deathalicious at 11:52 PM on July 14, 2009

My mistake. My 12th. Grade French finally failed me!

"Je veux des bonbons" (or, "Je veux les bonbons" --as, some have suggested) -- you are indeed right.
posted by ericb at 12:01 AM on July 15, 2009

Damn ... I fucked up, didn't I, when I asked him: 'Do you cough with me tonight" and he replied "Mais, non?!"
posted by ericb at 12:07 AM on July 15, 2009

"Je vais le bonbon"

To be charitable, I tried to think of it as,

"Je vais a le bonbon": I'm going to the candy

which is still non-sensical, contextually, but maybe tending more in the right way. Kinda.
posted by From Bklyn at 12:25 AM on July 15, 2009

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