turns out not everything looks perfect from far away...

July 13, 2009 12:37 PM

Christian metalcore band Confide uses a Postal Service cover as a clever tactic to promote their god-awful music.

Previously: Crabcore

posted by azarbayejani (149 comments total)

I don't have sound (here at work), but i can only assume ben folds did it better.
posted by djduckie at 12:40 PM on July 13

From the youtube comments: "wow, they've figured out how to make shit outside of the body!"
posted by Corduroy at 12:41 PM on July 13 [25 favorites]

Sucky band is suck.
posted by Mister_A at 12:41 PM on July 13

Paradoxically, listening to Christian rock is its own form of Hell.
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:44 PM on July 13 [8 favorites]

Couldn't stop the video fast enough.
posted by gallois at 12:46 PM on July 13

You know, I started listening to the music in the 'godawful' link, and I was thinking "Oh, come on, it's not that bad." And then I got 48 seconds in and there was this weird reaction in my stomach and my mouth started producing too much saliva and OH GOD IT REALLY IS THAT BAD.
posted by mudpuppie at 12:47 PM on July 13

Breaking News! - Christian Metalcore not as Good as One Might Assume!

And that's sayin' something.
posted by Pecinpah at 12:48 PM on July 13 [4 favorites]

Five men.

All with Jennifer Aniston's haircut.

Witness -- CONFIDE.
posted by brain_drain at 12:50 PM on July 13 [15 favorites]

There's a fine line between "terrible" and "worst of the worst", and I don't think this falls squarely enough in that latter camp to justify a full post, especially when that Crabcore thread is still wide open.
posted by hermitosis at 12:50 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

You know how some things are so bad, they're good? This is so bad, it's worse. I love crabcore, it makes me feel so goddamn ALIVE. I've listened to this track a few times today and now I've got a sense of responsibility, I must RIGHT these WRONGS and create something that benefits manking, yin the yang out of this motherfucker, so to speak, because music is HOLY and there is good in us all, but no no no no no
posted by soundofsuburbia at 12:50 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

At 15s, the guy has hope tatooed on his knuckles. Badass
posted by qvantamon at 12:51 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

I've always thought that the hardest job in the world must be 'metal band vocalist.' How can you keep a straight face?
posted by verb at 12:51 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

is this meta or filter?
posted by krautland at 12:52 PM on July 13

The intro sounds like the title screen of an unreleased NES Megaman title. Then when they get around to playing, they sound like one of those awful death metal bands where the singer basically puts the microphone in his mouth. If God were real, he would not feel honored by this. He would be offended and make all the band members get crabs.
posted by Mayor Curley at 12:54 PM on July 13 [5 favorites]

Needs more Satan.
posted by Artw at 12:55 PM on July 13 [19 favorites]

Ok, so it's actually playing the original for the entirety of the intro with only the addition of some snare hits on 2 and four, then a bunch of whiny screaming - not even really angry screaming, just whiny - accompanied by...what? are the guitars doing anything more than feigning playing?

Also, those guys all look perfectly empty-headed. Is that the Crhistian part, the screamcore part, or just that these jackoffs are...well, jackoffs?
posted by notsnot at 12:55 PM on July 13 [1 favorite]

There is actually good Christian metalcore, in case you were wondering whether if it was possibly for such a thing to exist, see Zao's Liberate Te Ex Inferis and Training for Utopia's Throwing a Wrench Into the American Music Machine.
posted by The Straightener at 12:57 PM on July 13 [3 favorites]

I quite like it...
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:57 PM on July 13 [1 favorite]

I thought I was listening to a Postal Service cover this morning, but it turns out I was just in the elevator.
posted by mhoye at 12:57 PM on July 13 [12 favorites]

Every second of that scratched away at my soul.
posted by ashaw at 1:00 PM on July 13

is this meta or filter?

Sounds more like unfilter. /cranky

This is probably my favorite Such Great Heights cover [studio version]
posted by moonshine at 1:00 PM on July 13 [4 favorites]

If God were real, he would not feel honored by this. He would be offended and make all the band members get crabs.

This may have already happened. We'd never really know...
posted by generichuman at 1:00 PM on July 13

Totally didn't know Zao was Christian metalcore. I was so into Liberate Te Ex Inferis like 5 years ago.
posted by azarbayejani at 1:00 PM on July 13

Shit sandwich.
posted by mazola at 1:01 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

So, should they crouch down like crabs while playing their insturments? Would that make it better?
posted by dortmunder at 1:02 PM on July 13 [1 favorite]

At least it isn't Stryper...
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:02 PM on July 13

I gotta say, the Cookie Monster screaming layered underneath the androgynous autotuned chorus is pretty inspired. Likewise the synchronized headbanging in ultra-tight highwaters.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:03 PM on July 13

Glossy mall-punk and screamo were two of the first genres which really made it hit home that I'm now an "older" music fan who doesn't get the kids these days and their music. This video manages to combine both and further cemented that point.
posted by Adam_S at 1:04 PM on July 13 [6 favorites]

Zao dropped off pretty sharply after that, went emo, like bad mall emo not Hot Water Music emo, but I have revisited that album recently and it still rips.
posted by The Straightener at 1:11 PM on July 13

Still, better than Nickleback.
posted by bonobothegreat at 1:11 PM on July 13 [5 favorites]

Solve for X, where Metalcore=shit and Christian rock=shit.

Metalcore + Christian rock = X
------------------------------
X = Kill yourself by driving a chisel into your temple.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 1:12 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

their god-awful music

Don't you mean their awful god-music?
posted by straight at 1:13 PM on July 13 [17 favorites]

Still, better than Nickleback.

Talk about yer damning with faint praise...
posted by Mister_A at 1:13 PM on July 13

Christian rock has got me thinking that rock and roll is actually a content-driven musical form. I mean, it's not an especially complicated songwriting structure, and, like a lot of pop music, trades in some very well-established musical cliches. Christian rock bands tend to do a pretty good job of mimicking the sounds of other genres of rock. And yet they suck. They all suck, every one of them. They suck so bad you just want to cry. You just want to find whoever is making this music and beat them with a pillowcase full of oranges and bars of soap.

It sucks so bad it negates good music -- have you ever heard of the Rolling Stones album The Camden Score? Of course you haven't, and it's a pity, because it was long considered one of their absolute masterpieces. Their chart-topping single from the album "Little Miss Business" was a staple on hard rock stations all the way through the 70s and 80s. Don't remember it, do you? It's because Perta put out an album that made The Camden Score disappear. We've lost literally a dozen Beatles albums this way -- people think that they broke up in the early Seventires, forgetting their remarkable output right up until John Lennon's death. Smalltown Poets was responsible for destroying both Bob Dylan's best early album, "Wanderings with Bob Dylan," and the Velvet Underground's most popular album, "Anne and Lisa." All forgotten now, like they never existed.

So what happened? Well, with rock and roll, it's all about the message. And it's a message that contravenes that of Christian rock -- rock might be heavily commercialized, but is, at its core, about a revolutionary rejection of aparthy and boredom, and a radical call to nonconformity. It gets back to those roots every so often, too, which is why, every decade or so, rock manages to scare the hell out of people and congressional hearings are called and hands and squeezed and waved in alarm. Three chords can destroy the world. But they are the exact same three chords that Christian bands played, so obviously it's not the chords themselves that are doing the work, but the lyrical content that is wedding to the chords. And that's not even right, not exactly. Some of the most terrifying rock songs have lyrics that are just pure nonsense, such a Little Richard's early recordings. It wasn't the chords or the lyrics. It was the attitude. Rock is the perfect conveyance device for a revolutionary attitude, and it infects the listener with that attitide, and, when done poorly, does so at the service of selling band t-shirts and posters, but, when done well, does so at the service of the destruction of all that is cautious and careful and sober and a bore.

And that's what Christian rock misses, and will always miss. They are the good kids on Halloween, dressing up as the devil, but they will never be anything more than innocents in bad costumes. The bad kids didn't need costumes for Halloween. They just went out and kicked over pumpkins and egged houses, and people thought they were the devil. And maybe they were.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:14 PM on July 13 [102 favorites]

Sorry but even though I knew exactly what was coming in that cover video I still burst out laughing when the throaty screaming part came. Maybe I'm easily amused? Still not as good as that brOkEnCYDE thing though.
posted by palidor at 1:19 PM on July 13

Holy shit!

My favorite parts are the ones where, in the middle of a few stressful lines (especially in the first verse), the lead screamer gives up on the whole ferocious vocal-chord-immolating thing and sounds like a weary normal person.
posted by pokermonk at 1:24 PM on July 13 [4 favorites]

is this meta or filter?

It's tafil.
posted by Dr-Baa at 1:24 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

And...MetaFilter, with its sateless need for snark, is boring.
posted by study the living world at 1:24 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

um, astro zombie, if i may ask, and i mean no disrespect, what are you talking about?
posted by djduckie at 1:25 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

Five dollars says this was the drummer's idea. Look at that guy, he is caressing this song.
posted by padraigin at 1:25 PM on July 13 [3 favorites]

It's bad, but FPP-worthy bad? I was sorta unimpressed at its badness. I guess the internet has just spoiled me with truly spectacular, keyboard-cat-invoking failure; regular failure just doesn't compete anymore.
posted by Kadin2048 at 1:27 PM on July 13 [3 favorites]

I have to disagree, the only good Zao album is "Where Blood and Fire Bring Rest" and everything else sucks (aren't they still around? they have been resurrected more times than Jesus).

The only good Christian metal album I can bring myself to listen to on a semi-regular basis is Extol's "Undeceived", which was notably for not only being Christian metal, but Christian black metal.

With that said, pretty much everything can be improved with a healthy dose of Satan. Maybe even this godawful band.
posted by bradbane at 1:28 PM on July 13

>If God were real, he would not feel honored by this. He would be offended and make all the band members get crabs.

This may have already happened. We'd never really know...

There are ways to find out. I volunteer you to get buggered by one of those nincompoops and see if you get crabs.
posted by Mayor Curley at 1:28 PM on July 13

I've always thought that the hardest job in the world must be 'metal band vocalist.' How can you keep a straight face?

This isn't metal.
posted by vorfeed at 1:28 PM on July 13

If you have to ask, you'll never know.
posted by Mister_A at 1:28 PM on July 13

he's talking about your childhood, djduckie.
posted by Fraxas at 1:31 PM on July 13

My cats do not like this.
posted by odinsdream at 1:32 PM on July 13 [4 favorites]

At 15s, the guy has hope tatooed on his knuckles. Badass

Might as well be sharpie for all the cred I bet it fails to net him.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 1:33 PM on July 13 [1 favorite]

That, frankly, will not fly.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 1:36 PM on July 13 [8 favorites]

That was awesome.

I am imagining Ben Gibbard stumbling across this and weeping astonished tears as pure as an angel's micturate.
posted by felix betachat at 1:36 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

um, astro zombie, if i may ask, and i mean no disrespect, what are you talking about?

Rock and roll, man.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:36 PM on July 13 [5 favorites]

Astro Zombie, that is an awesomely fun paragraph, but like every single diatribe I've ever read about art or music, it takes the subjective experience of a few and elevates it to some kind of timeless truth, proclaiming: "REAL ART is THIS! THE ESSENCE OF ROCK IS X!" ignoring the multitude of exceptions and alternatives.

It's just too damn narrow. Maybe that's what you get out of "rock" (as if it were a single, unitary thing), but you don't speak for me.
posted by straight at 1:36 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

Rock and roll, man.

But how did all of this stuff just dissappear from everyone's conciousness, and how do you know about it if it did?
posted by djduckie at 1:38 PM on July 13

But how did all of this stuff just dissappear from everyone's conciousness, and how do you know about it if it did?

I had a Les Paul that got struck by lightning, and somehow that protected all my crates full of classic rock from the destructive force of Christian rock and roll.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:40 PM on July 13 [10 favorites]

I had no idea talent was such a barrier to the music industry, but now I know. Pardon me while I go catch laryngitis, autotune the shit out of my voice, get a drum machine, and have a friend who plays Rock Band on Expert play whatever those stringy things are that they play.

I'll make millions!
posted by qcubed at 1:40 PM on July 13

It's just too damn narrow. Maybe that's what you get out of "rock" (as if it were a single, unitary thing), but you don't speak for me.

I don't even pretend to.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:41 PM on July 13 [4 favorites]

At 15s, the guy has hope tatooed on his knuckles. Badass

Might as well be sharpie for all the cred I bet it fails to net him.

Looks to me like it is Sharpie. I can't prove this, as I couldn't make it more than seven seconds into the screaming and the flailing before I dove for the close tab button like I was ducking machine gun fire.
posted by EatTheWeak at 1:41 PM on July 13

Well, at least I stayed on the god-awful page long enough to see this link to a Daft Punk tribute played using classic video game systems. Cleared my head right out just like I needed.
posted by cgk at 1:41 PM on July 13 [3 favorites]

Your theory doesn't quite jibe with the disappearance of Foreigner 5, Astro Zombie.
posted by Mister_A at 1:45 PM on July 13

I knew I should have turned away when I saw the condition of those drumsticks.

Actually, I wish I could pre-screen more bands that way—I can't think of another case that more succinctly broadcasts "I CANNOT PLAY MY INSTRUMENT" without me having to hear so much as a note.
posted by Mr. Anthropomorphism at 1:46 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

um, astro zombie, if i may ask, and i mean no disrespect, what are you talking about?

Quick translation: Rock and Roll is the Devil's music, and it's only good if we keep it that way.
posted by deanc at 1:48 PM on July 13

The exception to all of the valid and excellent points made in this post about Christian rock and how it all sucks is, of course, King's X. They were doing incredible and amazing and genre-defining stuff when the band members were Christians; the main songwriter lost his faith, and man did they get boring.

No causality, I don't believe. It's just interesting.
posted by jbickers at 1:50 PM on July 13 [1 favorite]

I don't know what's funnier. Christians ridiculously aping the "punk aesthetic" or the fact they look exactly the same as the people who did the same thing in the 1990s.
posted by delmoi at 1:51 PM on July 13

Oh neat! A shitty Christian band doing an awful cover of an overplayed song by a shitty pretentious band! Thanks, azarbayejani!
posted by inoculatedcities at 1:52 PM on July 13

Blah. Double post fail.
posted by inoculatedcities at 1:52 PM on July 13

There's a lot of good Christian pop music - Danielson, Half-Handed Cloud, Sufjan Stevens, etc., etc. But when you name acts like that, someone inevitably comes in and says, "That's not real Christian rock. That's just music by people who happen to be Christian." Which may be true in some sense, but it has nothing to do with lyrical content. If you just count mentions of God or Jesus or whatever, those guys usually way surpass the stuff they sell at Christian bookstores. The difference isn't about how Jesus-ey your content is; it's about whether your content sounds like it was written by a person or an ad agency.
posted by roll truck roll at 1:55 PM on July 13 [5 favorites]

If you actually read the lyrics Black Sabbath was basically a Christian metal band.
posted by The Straightener at 2:04 PM on July 13 [4 favorites]

It's entirely possible to find a revolutionary message in the words of Jesus. Most self-indentified Christian rock bands are not doing that, but, rather, are gluing a reactionary and socially conservative religious message onto the backs of a popular music form. This doesn't make it rock, it makes it the musical equivalent of those Arhcie comic books in which Jughead would suddenly stop eating a hamburger to quote from the Book of Matthew.
posted by Astro Zombie at 2:04 PM on July 13 [14 favorites]

And that's what Christian rock misses, and will always miss.

Well, there's something to what you're saying, but you gotta consider it's also a far smaller pool of talent in every aspect of the music's production: the difference between Project Runway and Project Runway: Philippines.

And, of course, let's not forget that many of the Christian rock and roll masterpieces--like DC Talk's epic three-album verbal assault against science Jesus Particle Accelerator--have disappeared thanks to the likes of Riskay's "Smell Yo Dick".
posted by pokermonk at 2:05 PM on July 13 [4 favorites]

Where's the line of demarcation between "Christian Music" and music that just happens to feature Christian themes? For instance, I can't think of a Ben Harper album that doesn't mention God or Jesus at some point or another, and most of them have at least one song that actually gets pretty preachy about living right and preparing for the afterlife. But by no stretch of the imagination is Ben Harper a "Christian Musician" that one would see hawked on Steel Roots or whatever. Maybe that's on account of the weed songs inbetween the God songs.

Now, the .. ahem .. "band" in question here, Confide, seems to fit Astro Zombie's description pretty well - just kids in costumes, screaming cuz it works for the "devil music" that they're trying to emulate without really understanding. But that brush is awful broad and doesn't apply to every act w/ a heavily Christian membership or even a Christian message.

Oh, and for the record, even the "real" version of this kinda music is, to my ears, shit-awful. Screaming and thunder-drums are only effective when contrasted with quieter portions of a performance. When it's all cranked up to eleven all the time, where do you have to go from there? What's left to build up to?
posted by EatTheWeak at 2:05 PM on July 13

Is Johnny Cash considered Christian rock?
posted by Artw at 2:05 PM on July 13

Johnny Cash is punk rock.
posted by Mister_A at 2:08 PM on July 13 [8 favorites]

Dudes, quit arguing and just listen to some Trouble.
posted by The Straightener at 2:09 PM on July 13

I played moonshine's favorite version in one tab with the sound on while watching Confide's version in another tab with the sound off. I think the combination really improved both of them.
posted by thebergfather at 2:09 PM on July 13

fearfulsymmetry : At least it isn't Stryper...

As metrics go, that's a pretty rough one. Because in the long view, you can probably say that about most things you want to have seen in a more positive light;

"After the dog attack, I got gangrene and lost three fingers"

"At least it wasn't Stryper..."
--

"When the truck exploded, I was doused in toxic chemicals. I think they may have been radioactive..."

"Could have been worse; Stryper could have been playing."
--

"I'm on fire."

"Dude, Stryper."
posted by quin at 2:13 PM on July 13 [11 favorites]

So now I'm wondering, if Christian rock is not true rock because it lacks the approval of Satan, how corrupted does a band need to be to classify as authentic rock? Can they be studied and proper but put out crushing riffs that turn youth into soulless hedonism machines? Or do the performers need to lead lives consumed by STDs and speedballs? Or is it the music itself, does it need some sexually suggestive bluesy swagger to be rock'n'roll? Does anyone consider Rush "rock gods"? Am I taking all the fun out of this yet?
posted by palidor at 2:21 PM on July 13

Oh, wow, I just figured it out...this is yet another example of a Cargo Cult. All the trappings of screamcore, in this case, with none of the underlying understanding.
posted by notsnot at 2:21 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

"You're not making Christianity better. You're just making rock 'n' roll worse."

--Hank Hill
posted by ignignokt at 2:23 PM on July 13 [21 favorites]

I think someone needs to sell their soul to Satan or this band is going nowhere.
posted by chairface at 2:24 PM on July 13

If you actually read the lyrics Black Sabbath was basically a Christian metal band.
posted by The Straightener at 5:04 PM on July 13 [+] [!]

Well, for Master of Reality. Apparently, Geezer was spooked by some occult stuff he tried.
posted by ignignokt at 2:26 PM on July 13

They must not sell a lot of music because that video looks like it was made in one afternoon
on the cheap.
posted by longsleeves at 2:26 PM on July 13

That's not real Christian rock. That's just music by people who happen to be Christian.

Interesting. Kinda like how science fiction ceases to be science fiction once it's viewed as good.
posted by brundlefly at 2:26 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

> Where's the line of demarcation between "Christian Music" and music that just happens to feature Christian themes?

I guess Christian Rock is like pornography: you know it when you see hear it.
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:26 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

I knew I should have turned away when I saw the condition of those drumsticks.

Actually, I wish I could pre-screen more bands that way—I can't think of another case that more succinctly broadcasts "I CANNOT PLAY MY INSTRUMENT" without me having to hear so much as a note.

I am not defending this guy, i don't play this kind of music, but I was taught to play on the rim of my snare by my drum instructor (a very talented local musician that has a masters in music from UNT if it matters) for a brighter sound off of it. It works, but it chews sticks like that.
posted by djduckie at 2:26 PM on July 13

I liked the first 47 seconds or so ... then it just ... it just ... oh, God, the noise and the ... oh no ... Z҉A҉L҉G҉O̚̕̚
posted by kcds at 2:29 PM on July 13 [5 favorites]

Christian Rock is a specific marketing category. Can we stop distracting ourselves by mentioning actual rock music that has Christian themes? We're not talking about the Danielson Family; we're talking about Bible thumpers with hair metal coiffures, sultry looks, borrowed hooks, and songs about how Jesus is like a mixture of the awesome father you didn't have and the awesome girlfriend you can't have sex with.
posted by Astro Zombie at 2:32 PM on July 13 [10 favorites]

Wow, it's one of those rare moments where YouTube comments are entertaining in a non-misanthropic way: "i wish to physically shit on top of this digital video. please wake me when this is possible."
posted by spiderskull at 2:34 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: like a mixture of the awesome father you didn't have and the awesome girlfriend you can't have sex with
posted by kcds at 2:35 PM on July 13 [1 favorite]

Evanescence are apparently not actually Christian Rock - but still fucking suck.
posted by Artw at 2:38 PM on July 13

Somebody is doing something right, because I just read all of these comments about some random Christian rock band. And then I watched the damn video.

And it absolutely made my day. I knew what was coming, but when the shrieking came on I actually laughed out loud, the kind of laughing that could be heard outside my office walls.

They're doing a lot better than if they had just played it straight.
posted by KAS at 2:41 PM on July 13

This isnt terrible, and it isnt very good. It's nothing like either crabcore or brokencyde. FORCED VIRAL IS FORCED.

It did inspire me to come with a name for this new genre tho:

Medio-core
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:45 PM on July 13 [6 favorites]

Just about the only Christian music I can stand (and dare say I love) is 16 Horsepower and maybe David Eugene Edwards' other projects, and I'm not even sure that counts. The problem with a lot of Christian rock is that it's trying (and trying too hard) to sound like something else. The entire genre is "If you like [this] you might also like [this]!" It's a Boca burger. A Zune. That Body Worlds knock-off show with the leaking bodies. No matter how hard they try, it's not the real thing, and people can tell. Sure, they make my ears bleed, but I have more respect for the bland likes of Sandy Patty than I do for these rock clones.
posted by katillathehun at 2:51 PM on July 13 [3 favorites]

Astro Zombie's goin all Johnny Fever up in this thread.

Nice.
posted by Senor Cardgage at 2:56 PM on July 13 [1 favorite]

So if it's "Sex, Drugs, and Rock'n'Roll" for REAL rockers, what is it for Christian rockers? Chastity, Vitamins and Hymns, mutha-fuckahs! They'd probably leave that last part out though.

In any case, I'm going to hell, where the people are interesting, and where they have more instruments than harps. I don't want 70 virgins anyway. I want whores! You don't find THOSE in heaven!
posted by jamstigator at 3:14 PM on July 13

Dude, all whores go to heaven.
posted by dirty lies at 3:21 PM on July 13

What is this "metalcore" thing? Is appending "-core" to an existing genre name like appending "Studies" to an academic discipline, i.e., a layer of quasi-ironic mockery, implicitly meaning "superficial replica of _"?
posted by acb at 3:21 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

DC Talk's epic three-album verbal assault against science Jesus Particle Accelerator

I so desperately want this to exist so I can listen to it and be appalled.
posted by turaho at 3:27 PM on July 13

There's a lot of good Christian pop music - Danielson, Half-Handed Cloud, Sufjan Stevens, etc., etc.

Not to mention Belle & Sebastian, Bob Dylan (recently), and such.

But when you name acts like that, someone inevitably comes in and says, "That's not real Christian rock. That's just music by people who happen to be Christian." Which may be true in some sense, but it has nothing to do with lyrical content. If you just count mentions of God or Jesus or whatever, those guys usually way surpass the stuff they sell at Christian bookstores. The difference isn't about how Jesus-ey your content is; it's about whether your content sounds like it was written by a person or an ad agency.


AFAIK, "Christian Rock" (and "Christian Metal" and "Christian Hardcore Punk" and "Christian (insert genre here)") specifically mean not "(genre) made by Christians" but "(genre) carrying a "Christian" agenda". Where (if, as usually, the definition is from an American cultural context), a Christian agenda refers to the bundle of values and ideological positions that constitute American Christianity, which includes things like a "pro-life" agenda, traditional family values, a culture-war stance against feminism, gay rights and the other trends emerging from "the 1960s", and a vaguely authoritarian, paternalist point of view that would sit comfortably in a small town somewhere in the reddest of the red states, only set to a carefully styled "countercultural" rock/metal/punk soundtrack like some kind of Trojan horse.
posted by acb at 3:27 PM on July 13 [1 favorite]

poop from above.
posted by pianomover at 3:31 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

I was the honorary unsaved hellbound athiest in a band filled with other Christians for several years. The leader singer was finishing up his studies to be a Minister.

And we rocked pretty hard, and legitimately. I think I found it bearable, because the lyrics were pretty metaphorical. I knew the songs (not all, but a lot) were all about God and Salvation and Forgiveness and stuff, but outsiders unfamiliar with the future career path of our singer would probably just interpret them as typical senseless rock songs.

We played a few churches. We played a lot of bars and pubs. And when we played the pubs, we all enjoyed our free beer rider (some more moderately than others), then the unmarried members of the band returned home to not shag their girlfriends.

I'd do it again, mainly because the Jesus-freaks had a bit more discipline and stability than the members of more decidedly hell-bound bands I've played in, where "rehersals" could quickly deteriorate into competitions to build the biggest hookah bongs out of common household implements.
posted by Jimbob at 3:42 PM on July 13 [3 favorites]

Why "Christian Contemporary" Music Sucks:

In one sentence: making good music is simply not their top priority.

Below, Slacktivist's explanation

"Christianity has traditionally held a high view of vocation. Christians believe that the artisan, tradesman or professional has the opportunity and obligation to glorify God by striving for excellence at his or her craft. The primary duty of a Christian plumber, in other words, is to be a good plumber. And the primary duty of a Christian artist is to be a good artist...

This teaching goes way back -- at least to Aristotle (as rechristened and adopted by Aquinas). But a competing understanding has arisen in American evangelical Christianity. From this perspective, the primary duty of every Christian regardless of vocation is evangelism. Everything else is just a means to this end.

According to this view, then, the primary duty of the Christian plumber is to spread the gospel. After all, what doth it profit a customer if a Christian plumber fixes their sink, but leaves their immortal soul in disrepair? This doesn't necessarily mean that such an evangelist-plumber will be incompetent at his trade. It's possible he could still be an excellent, if somewhat annoying, plumber. But excellence -- or even basic competence -- is no longer his priority. And he certainly does not believe, as craftsmen of the Aquinastotelian tradition did, that incompetence is a sin.

In this view vocation is unimportant. The standards of your craft become secondary to your duties as a member of the Congregation for the Propagation of the Faith. This is particularly problematic for the Christian artist, whose art is now made a means to an end, i.e., propaganda."
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 3:46 PM on July 13 [13 favorites]

No no no no no no no no no.
posted by spitefulcrow at 3:49 PM on July 13

Back in the day, I needed some quick money, so I picked up a gig playing bass in a friend of a friend's Christian rock band. It was just a short tour- a couple of weeks, but tons of shows, a gig nearly every single night, and some days where there were shows in the early afternoon, and then later in the evening. The money was pretty great, too. I didn't recognize any of the clubs we were playing at, because it turned out we were playing a bunch of Midwestern mega churches. But on the tour agenda, the "clubs" looked like they were called "The Light" and "Prince." They sounded like rock clubs to me.

The band was actually some pretty great musicians- guys I knew from town but never got the chance to work with. I went in with the attitude that if these guys, who I'd jammed with and heard play with other bands were in, it couldn't be that bad, right?

This was back in the late 90's, so the music was hardly as "hard core." To be honest, it was really innocuous pop music. A lot of the ambiguous "you" that you hear in Christian rock lyrics, but poppy hooks and turnarounds and whatnot. Not difficult. Frankly, we were just backing the lead guitarist/singer/preacher guy, so it didn't really matter what I was doing.

Rehearsals went well, and the hang ended up being okay. We hit the road in a van and I started putting the pieces together pretty quick. So did the rest of the band. Play the show, keep out of trouble, keep your head down, get back in the van and get to the hotel as quickly as possible.

Every night, there was an "altar call" during the show, where the lead singer would call audience members forward to be saved. It was awkward, because that's when the band would slip off stage and grab a smoke or drink from a flask or a cooler. I'm a pretty devout Catholic, so it was always uncomfortable to me when they talked about "followers of false leaders," which I think meant the Pope. I never asked.

I guess what I'm getting at is that, for some of these musicians, it's a job. It's not rock, it's not even Christian. It's just work. Astro Zombie's analysis of music that sucks so bad it sucks the good music out of our consciousness might be (and probably is) true. But then again, there are those of us who just got caught in the vortex. My hope is that's the case with these young lads.
posted by elmer benson at 3:57 PM on July 13 [15 favorites]

...but probably not.
posted by elmer benson at 4:01 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

And a GOD said " This sucketh!"


Wow. The lows keep getting lower. It doesn't end, how shitty can teen/pop music get?
posted by Liquidwolf at 4:04 PM on July 13

i think the other contenders to the Daily Swarms worst of 2009 are even better: Brokencyde - Freaxx and Attack Attack! - Stick Stickly.
I have seen the last one somewhere before, but managed to forget all about it. I fear that won't be possible this time...

Certainly, their amalgam of Auto-Tuned emo vocals, synchronised headbanging, puzzlingly bad miming, haircuts that would cause even Josh from the Horrors to raise an eyebrow and chart-trance interludes is one of the most baffling things I have seen in music in a long time. Even the wistful blonde girl in the band’s Evanescence-go-rural-in-the-midwest video loses her cool near the end and has to cover her ears.

heh...

But Brokencyde, I'm really at a loss for words there. How on earth is that supposed to work, screamo eurotrash techno without guitars?
I first felt that I officially lost any contact with youth culture when I saw this "Jumpstyle" thing, and now this...
posted by kolophon at 4:10 PM on July 13

Where's the line of demarcation between "Christian Music" and music that just happens to feature Christian themes?

Having dipped my toes in these scenes when I was young and knowing people who are now promoters and organizers now, it has strikingly little to do with musical style or even lyrical content. There is, as acb notes, an assumption of an agenda and absolutely no room for deviation in it. There are plenty of stories of artists - Steve Taylor and Leslie/Sam Philips are probably two of the more noteworthy ones - who said anything even remotely critical of socially conservative evangelical protestant Christianity and very quickly found themselves on the outs with those circles. Everything about it is very firmly committed to confirming the larger set of themes (again, see acb above) that animate its audience. If you made Sarah Palin the manager of the third worst band in your local scene - and style really makes no difference whatsoever - and slapped a few mentions of Jesus in there, you;d have Christian rock.

Where I think people (even the people who make it) misunderstand it is in thinking that it is ministry of some sort, i.e. that it reaches out to people who would no otherwise hear Christian messages. In practice, nothing could be further from the truth. It is far more insular and exclusive than the usual array of music scenes and no one in it seriously hopes or expects otherwise. It is a product for an audience that is built in, and in those ways, it reminds me more of the very calculated, very controlled world of boy bands. There you have an audience that wants a very specific thing - carefully controlled tropes of emerging sexuality, but delivered in a way that doesn't demand actual sex or threaten the audience. Deviate a nanometer from the track and your boy band is roadkill. Same thing for Christian rock, but what its audience seeks is affirmation and what the acts provide is a type of consolation. Devout Christian teens are about as far from cool as you could be, and feel cut out from many of their peers, who are breaking the taboos that they were raised with and asserting themselves, while the devout Christian kids are all about submission. What Christian rock gives them is a sort of parallel social world in which they ARE cool - they listen to the right kind of music, they go to shows, they can play dress up in various styles like all teenagers do - but since that world is self-contained and rigidly controlled, they and their families can feel secure that nothing will actually unseat what they're committed to. It's sort of kabuki theater with teenage tropes, and Christian rock tracks the new tropes relentlessly. It can be that bloodless because it doesn't have to actually be interesting music - it's there as part of an elaborate social ritual to console its audience in a certain way. And if it's not bloodless - if it's actually provocative art that asks questions and the artists earn their faith rather than simply announcing it - then it doesn't fit that ritual and it puts off most of its audience. So Sufjan Stevens, U2, Nick Cave, Johnny Cash, and lots of others write good rock music that is loaded with Christian themes, but by writing things that actually prod their audience and move them in ways they might not have expected, they fit poorly with Christian rock. Again, it sort of parallels the ways that openly sexual R&B acts can't be boy bands, even if the mechanics of the music are very similar. The audience doesn't want to be moved by the music, it wants to buy a certain affirmation from the music.

imho.
posted by el_lupino at 4:13 PM on July 13 [38 favorites]

I'm still hung up on Astro Zombie's rant... I did a search for that Rolling Stones album "The Camden Score" and the only result I got back was this post... I'm fascinated by what you wrote, but perplexed as to what Perta is and how it could make a Rolling Stones album dissapear. I mean, are you taking the piss and I'm just not getting the joke...?
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 4:19 PM on July 13

Well, I'm converted.
posted by Ron Thanagar at 4:23 PM on July 13

How did such a thin FPP of such a horrific event spark such profound postings as AZ's and el_lupino's.
I love you, Metafizzle!
posted by Senor Cardgage at 4:25 PM on July 13 [1 favorite]

I'm still hung up on Astro Zombie's rant... I did a search for that Rolling Stones album "The Camden Score" and the only result I got back was this post... I'm fascinated by what you wrote, but perplexed as to what Perta is and how it could make a Rolling Stones album dissapear. I mean, are you taking the piss and I'm just not getting the joke...?

Petra at Wikipedia.

Remember in Back to the Future how Marty McFly's siblings started fading out of the photograph? It's like that.

"Taking the piss" is one of my favorite Britishisms that I think Americans should take up. That and "fuck-all."
posted by not that girl at 4:27 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

United Church Breaks Guitars
posted by anthill at 4:27 PM on July 13

So I was all set to flag this for axe-grinding and HURF DURF JESUS BELIEVER but figured I'd watch the video this to be sure.

The original poster was correct. It is god-awful. Wow. It's like a joke that no one understands.
posted by dw at 4:28 PM on July 13

God is unhappy with his children. They will be sent to purgatory to listen to "A Taste of Honey" for next to eternity for this.
posted by Chuffy at 4:29 PM on July 13

That 16 Horsepower track is killer, katilla. Thanks!
posted by Kwine at 4:36 PM on July 13

So what happened? Well, with rock and roll, it's all about the message. And it's a message that contravenes that of Christian rock -- rock might be heavily commercialized, but is, at its core, about a revolutionary rejection of aparthy and boredom, and a radical call to nonconformity.

Uh, there are plenty of Christian rock bands who, at their core, reject apathy and boredom and embrace a radical call to nonconformity. And they do so by espousing Jesus' radical call to non-conformity while rejecting the apathy and boredom that comes out of the contemporary Christian music machine.

The problem is, those bands are bands like the Danielson Familie, which are thrown aside as "not Christian rock."
posted by dw at 4:37 PM on July 13 [1 favorite]

The singer sounds like he's having a tantrum, after watching his parents tossing his Back in Black album into a fire, complaining that he's going to ditch Sunday school after services on Sunday, just to show them...
posted by Chuffy at 4:37 PM on July 13 [1 favorite]

1000 you-suck-points for combining not-aggro screaming with auto-tune, two of the most pernicious trends in modern music. When they're screaming, they sound whiny and when they're whining they make Postal Service sound like not-losers, which is in and of itself impressive.

Wow, they stole Maroon 5's practice space too!

This just keeps finding new ways to suck!
posted by lumpenprole at 4:58 PM on July 13

Plus, I wanted to point out that most Metal is de facto christian since taking the side of the adversary validates that odd narrative.

In other words, if Norwegian Black Metal is right, Jesus is Lord. Funny old world.
posted by lumpenprole at 4:59 PM on July 13 [5 favorites]

www.isitstryper.com
posted by Artw at 5:07 PM on July 13

Where's the line of demarcation between "Christian Music" and music that just happens to feature Christian themes?

Most of you are overthinking this plate of beans.

The line of demarcation is just when the band says "We're a Christian rock band." Or "We do Christian metal." That declaration is just about all you need to know that they suck, and that all their songs will boil down to particularly insipid, glurgy hymns set to popular rhythms. Because glurgy, awful hymns set to popular rhythms is what that marketing category means.

When I'm God-Emperor of America, I'm going to include two or three really good black gospel or bluegrass gospel or similar songs on every "Christian X" disc so that the kids get a taste of what they're missing. And they'll be unskippable. But there will be frogurt.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:08 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]

Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian
posted by Flunkie at 5:21 PM on July 13 [4 favorites]

In other words, if Norwegian Black Metal is right, Jesus is Lord. Funny old world.

Apparently, after a while, various Norwegian Black Metallers realised that they were reinforcing Christianity, and quietly buried all that Satan stuff, replacing it with the old Norse gods.

But yes, Satanism does seem to boil down to "You know that guy you like? Well, I like his mortal enemy. Nyah!" It's like critiquing Star Wars by going on about how awesome Darth Vader is. Well, they do hang various bits of philosophy off it (apparently the meat of LaVey's Satanism is mostly lifted from Nietzsche and Ayn Rand), but dressing it up in Halloween costume doesn't do it any favours.
posted by acb at 5:26 PM on July 13 [3 favorites]

What is this "metalcore" thing?

It's a subgenre of metal that incorporates a lot angular and dissonant tones along with off kilter rhythms more akin to punk and the breakdowns of hardcore. Don't worry, it's been dead for almost 10 years, you're not missing anything new.

Try either some Botch or some Converge.

You're going to hate it, though, it's pretty harsh.
posted by The Straightener at 5:30 PM on July 13

This sucks worse than... I'm not even sure. Something really bad. I love TPS, so maybe that colors my opinion. Even Ben Fold's version isn't something I get excited about. Just, you know... the original. I love covers, but I do not love this cover.
posted by Bageena at 5:35 PM on July 13

Back in the day, I needed some quick money, so I picked up a gig playing bass in a friend of a friend's Christian rock band.

elmer benson, your storry starts off so well, but it doesn't end with 'it turns out all the guys in the band including the lead singer/preacher did a lot of drugs and hookers after every show'. I'm sorry but I therefore cannot favourite this comment.
posted by Midnight Rambler at 6:22 PM on July 13

I am not defending this guy, i don't play this kind of music, but I was taught to play on the rim of my snare by my drum instructor (a very talented local musician that has a masters in music from UNT if it matters) for a brighter sound off of it. It works, but it chews sticks like that.

You certainly can play a rimshot¹ by hitting the head and rim of the drum simultaneously. It's a nice way to get a bright, loud accented note that stands out from a standard snare hit. The thing is, it's brighter and louder because of how you hit it, not how hard (because striking it right creates piercing harmonic overtones).

Now, obviously a metal rim is less forgiving on a stick than a bouncy, thin plastic head, so over time, a lot of rimshots will start to shred a stick. Usually this means it's time for new sticks. A stick with a sizable enough chunk missing will feel different, bounce different, and sound different.

What we see here is someone who, instead, just rotates the stick and starts wailing² on a fresh side. And then does it again when that side breaks off... until he's left with that nice collar of skinny, shredded stick all the way around the equator.

And yet, he keeps using them because they show off just how hard he plays, bro, and—hey—they still perform the job adequately. Because the job is not to play the drums, it's to beat the ever-living fuck out of them.

¹ What most people call as a "rimshot" is better described as a "sting," and best described as something no self respecting drummer would play without a heavy dose of irony.

² Look, I understand that this is some HEAVY SHIT and all, and that a certain amount of theatrics are necessary, but watch him in between any given 2 or 4 beat as he has to literally grab the snare drum to steady himself from all his thrashing around. I think it's fair to criticize this individual as someone who is not best described as a technically sound percussionist.
posted by Mr. Anthropomorphism at 6:36 PM on July 13 [1 favorite]

Man, Christian rock sounds exactly like it did ten years ago. There's a surprise. Telling fans of late-90's rock-rap fusion groups that DC talk did it first is still funny, though.
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:39 PM on July 13 [1 favorite]

I should mention, though, the excellence that is Five Irony Frenzy. Christian music trends have a tendency to lag about five to ten years behind secular music, so being a Christian ska-punk band in the late 90's put them ever so slightly ahead of the curve. I still have a fair bit of respect for them for their general willingness, as Christians, to rather fearlessly say things that they knew would piss off, well, Christians. I remember being at Icthus Festival back in 2000 and listening the lead singer talk about how homophobia was bullshit and it needed to be run out of the church... leading into a song about confronting one's own homophobia.

They're also highly listenable, which is usually secondary for Christian bands.
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:47 PM on July 13 [4 favorites]

Camden Score (seems inconsistent in editorially advised or presumed slurring and articulations) - gone but not forgotten.
posted by tellurian at 6:58 PM on July 13

The problem with Christian rock is that the best song has already been done, it was done by a Jewish guy, and apparently he didn't have any particularly religious intention in its creation.

Probably a lot like Christianity itself now that I think about it.
posted by quin at 7:09 PM on July 13

Thanks for mentioning Five Iron Frenzy, Pope Guilty. They're one of the handful of bands that my 16-year-old self and my 28-year-old self can agree on. Here's one of my favorite songs of theirs, which is also a pretty good example of them touching subjects that most Christian bands wouldn't.

Christian music trends have a tendency to lag about five to ten years behind secular music

Is this really true? It's probably true of many of the most heavily-entrenched Christian labels, but I'd say that there are many labels of whom just the opposite is true. It comes back to the fact that the pool for Christian music is so much smaller than that of general music. Unusual acts get a disproportionately large share of the pot. Long before Napster, Tooth and Nail Records pretty much singlehandedly introduced me to underground music.
posted by roll truck roll at 7:13 PM on July 13

Christian rock has got me thinking that rock and roll is actually a content-driven musical form.

sister rosetta tharpe has got me thinking you're just wrong

bonus track - don't take everybody to be your friend - in which she does chuck berry years before chuck berry thought of it
posted by pyramid termite at 7:18 PM on July 13 [1 favorite]

> I first felt that I officially lost any contact with youth culture when I saw this "Jumpstyle " thing, and now this.

I have actually never seen that before (never been a participater in any of this stuff), but that's actually kinda cool. It's like... celtic stepdancing + Dance Dance Revolution.
posted by Decimask at 8:46 PM on July 13 [1 favorite]

Christianity ruined one of my favorite musical artists, and I'll eternally hate it for that.
posted by Huck500 at 9:04 PM on July 13

Holy crap, Basehead has a new album out... and it doesn't sound bad... still Christian, though. Stupid Jesus.
posted by Huck500 at 9:11 PM on July 13

I'm still hung up on Astro Zombie's rant... I did a search for that Rolling Stones album "The Camden Score" and the only result I got back was this post...

Petra fucking destroyed it, man. It has ceased to exist. That's why you can't find it on Wikipedia. It's like the fact that Transformers 2 destroyed Orson Wells' Towers of The City, the only film that ever won him an Academy Award.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:52 PM on July 13 [11 favorites]

Like the time Homer Simpson took a wine tasting class then forgot how to drive? No wait. He was drunk. Nevermind.
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 11:35 PM on July 13

That is NOT a joyful noise.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 12:01 AM on July 14

Christian rock has got me thinking that rock and roll is actually a content-driven musical form.

But the blues managed to be both sacred and profane. Rock isn't that big a leap. Why does it fail at the sacred?
posted by Leon at 12:02 AM on July 14

kolophon: I first felt that I officially lost any contact with youth culture when I saw this "Jumpstyle" thing, and now this...

Jumpstyle...it's like aerobics on meth...at a rave. Yeah...I'm too old. I don't get it either.



Astro Zombie: Petra fucking destroyed it, man. It has ceased to exist. That's why you can't find it on Wikipedia. It's like the fact that Transformers 2 destroyed Orson Wells' Towers of The City, the only film that ever won him an Academy Award.

Which is really too bad. It was such good album. Even now, I find myself trying to hum a bit...but it's just lost. Fucking Petra. Those bastards. And don't even get me started on the loss of Wells' Towers....the pain is so new, I haven't had time to adjust.
posted by dejah420 at 12:15 AM on July 14

I love you guys.
posted by Jimbob at 5:22 AM on July 14

And don't even get me started on the loss of Wells' Towers....the pain is so new, I haven't had time to adjust.

dejah, don't feel too bad about it. Towers of the City was one of those apology/recognition Oscars. The film itself wasn't that great.
posted by graventy at 7:18 AM on July 14

What is this "metalcore" thing? Is appending "-core" to an existing genre name like appending "Studies" to an academic discipline, i.e., a layer of quasi-ironic mockery, implicitly meaning "superficial replica of _"?
posted by acb at 6:21 PM on July 13

The -core thing originally meant that the genre was derived in part from hardcore (punk). Eventually, it became a thing you just throw on the name of a genre, the way you throw an apostrophe into a word to let you know that an S is coming.
posted by ignignokt at 9:09 AM on July 14 [2 favorites]

Christian Rock is a specific marketing category. Can we stop distracting ourselves by mentioning actual rock music that has Christian themes?

Yes. Exactly. In specific, it is a business that sells "safe" versions of popular music to kids whose parents don't let them listen to the real thing.

It's not so much that Christian Rock(TM) lacks some mystical True Essence of Rock (I mean, some of these acts are Christian(TM) versions of Britney Spears or N-Sync) as it is hacks turning out generic knock-offs of someone else's art. It's the equivalent of the straight-to-DVD dinosaur cartoon that tries to piggy-back on the summer's big dinosaur movie from Pixar or Dreamworks.

I had a friend who worked in a Christian Bookstore who says he had a big list behind the counter of suggested Christian(TM) versions of popular bands so that if a parent comes in and says "My son likes Abraham Lincoln Park or something," you look on the list and sell them a Falling Up album.
posted by straight at 10:03 AM on July 14 [1 favorite]

If I ever try to launch a music career I'm going to adopt the stage name "Christian Screamo."
posted by nanojath at 10:36 AM on July 14

Candlemass were an amazing Christian doom metal band. So were Trouble. But they also did an asston of drugs, which I think worked in their music's favor more than the light of Jesus did.
posted by medeine at 12:29 PM on July 14

Candlemass were an amazing Christian doom metal band. So were Trouble. But they also did an asston of drugs, which I think worked in their music's favor more than the light of Jesus did.

I see absolutely no evidence that Candlemass was a Christian band, in fact there is evidence to the contrary, as I'm pretty sure that no Christian band would have a vocalist named Messiah; and while Trouble touched on Christian themes occasionally, I don't think they qualify either.
posted by Huck500 at 3:33 PM on July 14

Wow. The term "God-awful" was invented for this. Props to them for the 45-second intro that sounds like the original song followed by a sloppy edit into the screamfest.

I need to email this to a bunch of Postal Service fans with a title like "surprisingly good cover version". Being Rickrolled never hurt this bad.

Obligatory Iron and Wine soul-restoring link

Also, Astro Zombie's philosophy of bad art causing good art to evaporate from history is the basis of an amazingly good science fiction story and I wish someone who isn't me would write it.
posted by mmoncur at 4:46 AM on July 15