World's Oldest Penis

July 16, 2009 10:00 PM

Australian scientists have found the world's oldest penis. Published Monday in the online version of Nature, the discovery of the 400 million-year-old clasper in an ancient fish specimen shows that animals were gettin' it on earlier than previously thought. Says one study author, "We were surprised because it's so big. We were expecting something smaller." SFW
posted by Dilemma (34 comments total)

No, the world's oldest pen is Iranian.
posted by turgid dahlia at 10:10 PM on July 16

That's what she said!

Oh come on, you thought about it too!

posted by phrontist at 10:10 PM on July 16 [3 favorites]

If language left a fossil record, they would be hot on the heels of discovering the world's oldest penis joke.

I'm sure this thread will provide many contenders, anyway.
posted by paisley henosis at 10:18 PM on July 16 [1 favorite]

You're sitting on a gold mine, Trebeck.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:20 PM on July 16 [1 favorite]

Rock hard after 400 million years-- some would call that a testament to staying power but it can be very uncomfortable.
posted by The White Hat at 10:21 PM on July 16

It dosen't matter if your penis is 400 million-years-old or 31 years-old, it's what you do with it that counts.
posted by Effigy2000 at 10:21 PM on July 16 [1 favorite]

We were surprised because it's so big. We were expecting something smaller."

I hear that all the time.
posted by rodgerd at 10:24 PM on July 16 [1 favorite]

World's oldest penis joke: What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key.

Thank you. Thank you. I'll be performing here all week.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:28 PM on July 16 [1 favorite]

Somewhere, a Letterman staff writer opens Word and types the phrase "In other news, Keith Richards..."
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:28 PM on July 16 [1 favorite]

is it mine?
posted by sexyrobot at 10:40 PM on July 16

I remember the world's oldest penis well. Way back, when I was a young pup in the Pleistocene, I was cold chillin' at a cabana when an old cuckold approached me with an enticement of on the house gelatinous pleiosaur and a certain glimmer in his eye. His conversation was grunty, and before I knew it he whipped out a crusty and crude prototype of a winky and a handful of Benjamins. The gooey cocktails got the best of me and before I knew it I was bouncing bellies with the Creator Himself, and he faked his orgasm. He taught me a lesson about being used, that omnipotent sleaze, but I'll never forget His experimental phallus, piercing me like a Bronze Age spear, exploring my loins like an alien scientist eager to record evolution's penile thrusts forward.
posted by moonbird at 11:10 PM on July 16 [7 favorites]

An ancient fish penis might be safe to view where you work.
posted by mattoxic at 11:15 PM on July 16

You can bet, though, that shortly followed by the evolution of the world's first penis, came the evolution of the worlds first penis enlargement spam.
posted by nonspecialist at 11:22 PM on July 16

It dosen't matter if your penis is 400 million-years-old or 31 years-old, it's what you do with it that counts.

Actually, with the 400 million year version, you don't need to ask "got wood?"

Those things are permanently ossified.
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:24 PM on July 16

This is some serious prior art on the previous claim that Francis Plante was the world's oldest recorded pianist.
posted by nonspecialist at 11:24 PM on July 16

From the second link:

Earlier this year the team, led by Australian palaeontologist Dr John Long ...

Nominative determinism at its finest.
posted by nonspecialist at 11:27 PM on July 16 [4 favorites]

Explain that, fundamentalists: Petrified wood
posted by Auden at 11:41 PM on July 16 [1 favorite]

you know, i think i'm going to add this to my list of "reasons i want to be cremated"
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:42 PM on July 16

Where is Johnson that I might make an eponysterical comment or some variation thereof? Johnson? JOOOOHNSOOOOOOOOON?!
posted by Ndwright at 11:48 PM on July 16

This is what I had in mind.
posted by Ndwright at 11:56 PM on July 16

Feels good to be remembered, but thanks for causing me to accidentally, and violently, unrepress the memory of that post.
posted by Riki tiki at 12:27 AM on July 17

Dick.
posted by Riki tiki at 12:27 AM on July 17

Unfortunately, this is the first thing that came to mind when I read this:

Clasp on! Clasp off! The clasper!

Also, "clasping region"? Really? I never realized biologists had such delicate sensibilities.
posted by elfgirl at 4:31 AM on July 17 [1 favorite]

"ancient fish specimen shows that animals were gettin' it on earlier than previously thought"

Well of course they were getting it on. How could they reproduce if they didn't?
posted by Mastercheddaar at 6:24 AM on July 17

Mastercheddaar:
Well of course they were getting it on. How could they reproduce if they didn't?

Asexually?

i don't have a joke
posted by shakespeherian at 6:40 AM on July 17

It's obviously some sort of elaborate elitist hoax, since the earth's only 6000 years old.
posted by blucevalo at 7:09 AM on July 17

My understanding is that most modern fish are dickless. "Well, I have an intromittent organ!" Yeah, that'll impress the mermaids.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:49 AM on July 17 [1 favorite]

Well of course they were getting it on. How could they reproduce if they didn't?

Nowadays it's mostly a splooge-in-the-same-bit-of-ocean sort of affair.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:50 AM on July 17

Yes, it's true -- this man has no dick.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 9:18 AM on July 17

I hope the organ was not so massive as to make the poor guy's bicycle riding uncomfortable.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 9:20 AM on July 17

"We were surprised because it's so big. We were expecting something smaller."
posted by That's What She Said. at 11:07 AM on July 17

I thought Larry King was the world's oldest penis.
posted by Divine_Wino at 11:22 AM on July 17

oh, yes yes,. considered a delicacy at our local's mc'fillet burgers.
posted by petepr at 12:32 PM on July 17

Nowadays it's mostly a splooge-in-the-same-bit-of-ocean sort of affair.

Spoooooge in the water...
And fire in the sky.

Dun dun dun, dun-dun de dun.
posted by rodgerd at 9:09 PM on July 17