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July 23, 2009 12:49 PM   Subscribe

Favorite Worst Movies by the writers and readers of The Morning News.

A pretty good collection of perversely watchable bad films. Many authors seem to have a childhood connection to the films they find aesthetically awful yet emotionally appealing and so, considering the age of the respondents, it's probably not surprising that many of the films are forgotten detritus from the 80s. Some high(low)lights: Ator, the Fighting Eagle; Flash Gordon; Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone; and the "horribly, unwatchably racist" Carbon Copy, starring a young Denzel Washington.
posted by billysumday (260 comments total) 50 users marked this as a favorite

 
way to phone it in, Heidi Parker.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 12:54 PM on July 23, 2009


...Actually, for this MST3K afficionado, those were a little on the tame side.

Now, Blood Freak is something else again. That, my friends, is a bad movie which is worthy of love.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:58 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


That article is my new shopping list.
posted by lekvar at 1:00 PM on July 23, 2009


A lot of these are guilty pleasures, sure, but Ravenous? Liquid Sky?

How are these "worst"? Meh.
posted by stinkycheese at 1:02 PM on July 23, 2009


More like favourite films where people didn't just stand around and talk.
posted by stinkycheese at 1:03 PM on July 23, 2009


There is no planet on which Hackers could be considered a bad film. Angelina Jolie has been all downhill since then.
posted by lunit at 1:04 PM on July 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


How are these "worst"? Meh.

Have you seen Liquid Sky?
posted by lekvar at 1:05 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Dirty Love, starring Jenny McCarthy, written by Jenny McCarthy.

Yes, that's right, 'written' by Jenny McCarthy. Oh, it took many, many lemoncello shots to get through that one my friends. Be warned.
posted by pixlboi at 1:05 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


I don't think alot of these count as "worst" either. I have seen movies so bad that they have literally caused breakups after a night of "Let's watch bad movies, it will be fun!". That said, a real qualifier is "Headcrusher" aka "Broken Skull".
posted by Strshan at 1:05 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'm popping in here for two reasons:

1) To make sure that everyone everywhere sees "The Room," preferably with a large group of people and some good beer. You will not be disappointed. No one ever is. Hands down the greatest bad movie ever.

2) Ravenous? Are they insane? Not only is that not a terrible movie, it's one of my favorite genre-bending horror movies with my all-time favorite musical theme.
posted by ORthey at 1:05 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


"Worst." Pffft.

Watch Manos, Hands of Fate and get back to me.
posted by zarq at 1:06 PM on July 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


“Drop that zero and get with the hero.” Some writer got paid to pen that line for Vanilla Ice. Somebody funded the creation of Cool as Ice (1991).

This movie is well worth tracking down. Ice Man and Michael Gross in a witness protection program thriller, not dissimilar to A History of Violence.
posted by porn in the woods at 1:08 PM on July 23, 2009


Not only that, porn in the woods, but it was shot by Janusz Kaminski.
posted by billysumday at 1:08 PM on July 23, 2009


For me it's a toss-up between Demolition Man and Twilight.

I made the horrible mistake of thinking Spice World would be good/bad, based on my memories of it from middle school. Turns out it's just bad.
posted by Nattie at 1:09 PM on July 23, 2009


Big Trouble in Little China? What the fuck? That's a GREAT movie!
posted by Skot at 1:11 PM on July 23, 2009 [19 favorites]


No Xanadu? I get sucked in every time, and every time, I weep a little for Gene Kelly's dignity.
posted by emjaybee at 1:11 PM on July 23, 2009 [5 favorites]


During the many fades-to-black near the end of Videodrome, some wag in the front row (not me) yells aloud "PLEASE BE OVER!"

This was during college, at the student theater. My date (now Mrs. jq) and I thought it was one of the funniest things we'd ever seen/heard and it continues to be a running joke to this day. Unfortunately, it means that Videodrome is my benchmark for bad movies. Does it hold up? Maybe I need to see it again.
posted by jquinby at 1:12 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


I loved "Choose Me" as just being a good film. Does that make me a bad person?
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 1:12 PM on July 23, 2009


Better Off Dead, Flash Gordon, Army of Darkness and Big Trouble in Little China are all unappreciated works of art.

Now if you want to talk great bad movies, Shakes the Clown is my personal favorite.

pixlboi, I may be the only person in the world who actually liked Dirty Love.
posted by JaredSeth at 1:14 PM on July 23, 2009


I watched Videodrome a few months ago. Definitely held my attention, but it's such a relic. You can tell (even without any context) that it was supposed to be super edgy and scandalous and provocative at the time (oh noes, she's cutting herself!) but today it's just very meh. So as a cultural and historical artifact it's still pretty interesting but I think it definitely loses some of its affect simply because it's not going to get a rise out of you like it may have 20 years ago.
posted by billysumday at 1:16 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Mine's Pet Semetary. I can fully recognize its ridiculousness, and yet it still scares the piss out of me. Every time.
posted by rusty at 1:17 PM on July 23, 2009


Showgirls. That is all.
posted by brain_drain at 1:18 PM on July 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


"The soundtrack by Queen is also epic."

This.
posted by GeekAnimator at 1:18 PM on July 23, 2009


Have you seen Liquid Sky?

Saw it twice. It kept popping up on weirdo double-bills in the 1980s. It didn't get any better the second time on which occasion it was followed by Eraserhead. Enough said in terms of the difference between brilliantly weird and just ... weird.

As for my personal perversely, watchable bad movie, that would have to be another 1980s standard, St Elmo's Fire. So deeply, evocatively ... something I feel compelled to watch it again right now.
posted by philip-random at 1:18 PM on July 23, 2009


Even though I know it's a bad film, I will probably watch The Last Starfighter if I see it on television.
posted by billysumday at 1:19 PM on July 23, 2009 [5 favorites]


Unfortunately, it means that Videodrome is my benchmark for bad movies.

You're wrong.
posted by philip-random at 1:19 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


OK, since we've gotten to the personal recommendations part of the thread, I'd personally recommend finding/avoiding , also known as For Hire. It is so painfully bad that you can't turn your back to the screen for fear that it might strike you from behind. I'm pretty sure that it was made from the bits that fell to the floor while other, worthwhile movies were being edited.

Slappy Ninjas!
Vaguely Pedophiliac Dialogue!
Non-Ironic Mullets!

posted by lekvar at 1:20 PM on July 23, 2009


Point Break! Yes. That too. Also, pop quiz hotshot: can we include Speed and call it a Keanu twofer? And if we include Speed we might as well throw in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure right? And at this point let's just link to Keanu's IMDB page and call it a day.
posted by rusty at 1:23 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Whoah, bad mark-up there, lekvar.
Oh well. Here's some more on the horribleness that is Lethal Ninja/For Hire
posted by lekvar at 1:23 PM on July 23, 2009


I liked the review of Love Story. “woo-woOooOOo”. If I wasn't going down to see Neko Case in 5 minutes I'd have that shit in my head all night.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 1:25 PM on July 23, 2009


Big Trouble in Little China is going to be released on Blu-ray on August 4, in an extended cut.
posted by Prospero at 1:25 PM on July 23, 2009


Unfortunately, it means that Videodrome is my benchmark for bad movies. Does it hold up? Maybe I need to see it again.

It sounds like you saw it in the worst possible likely setting, so you may need to see it again. If you still consider it your benchmark for bad movies, you probably just have very bad taste in movies.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 1:25 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


For me, it's The Ladies Man, hands down. Awful, awful concept, barely even written, ad with almost no story to speak of, let alone give a shit about. But it's carried off so well by the cast who is obviously having a ball, particularly Tim Meadows, in what will consequently be likely the only starring roll of his life (Note: this is a tragedy.)
posted by Navelgazer at 1:28 PM on July 23, 2009


...you probably just have very bad taste in movies

Could be. If I rent it again, I'll double-feature it with Santa With Muscles to reset the boundaries.
posted by jquinby at 1:30 PM on July 23, 2009


I think Nazlee Samadzadeh's snark mechanism is broken:

married to the hot mom from Spy Kids (remember her?)


Carla Gugino? Yeah, dude, we remember her.
posted by Ian A.T. at 1:34 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Also: Krull.
posted by Prospero at 1:36 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Road House.

Any time it comes on - which for a time was seemingly twice a week on TBS - I'd watch Road House from the moment I found it to the bitter, Sam-Elliot-corpsifed, whole-town-literally-aflame end. A film about a Zen ninja bouncer with a graduate degree in philosophy, his ER doctor girl, his grizzled bouncing mentor, Ben Gazzara as the cartooniest I-own-this-town villain ever, and the road house none of 'em can bring themselves to quit - how can you beat that?

I'll tell you how: by having Patrick Swayze trade Zen aphorisms with his homespun-wisdom-spoutin' heart-of-gold hillbilly farmer landlord (dressed invariably in bib overalls). By having Patrick Swayze tell the pretty ER doc: "Pain don't hurt." And mean it. And have her find it irresistible. And on and on and on.

Bonus points for just enough parallels to the incomparable Big Lebowski (Gazzara as villain and Elliot as grizzled voice of reason, in particular) that I'm convinced the Coens find it as funny as I do. Directed by Rowdy Herrington - if that's not another pseudonym for Roderick Jaynes, I don't know what is!

Calling me 'sir' is like putting an elevator in an outhouse, it don't belong. Damn right that's bad-movie gold. Fuckin' love that movie.
posted by gompa at 1:38 PM on July 23, 2009 [12 favorites]


Have you seen Liquid Sky?

Admittedly it was a long, long time ago. But there's tons of 80s sci-fi weirdness that is "worse" than Liquid Sky by any criteria.

A lot of these are just straight-up cult movies. I'd far rather read a list of 'ordinary' movies that were bad, and yet somehow deserve re-watching.
posted by stinkycheese at 1:38 PM on July 23, 2009


I mostly remember Carla Gugino from Encino Man, another fascinatingly watchable bad movie.

(and also, yes, from Sin City for all the obvious reasons.)
posted by Navelgazer at 1:39 PM on July 23, 2009


Could be. If I rent it again, I'll double-feature it with Santa With Muscles to reset the boundaries.

I love that that page has "SPOILER ALERT!" all over it. SPOILER ALERT!: This is TERRIBLE
posted by kittens for breakfast at 1:39 PM on July 23, 2009


DumdumdumdumdumdumdumdumFLASH!!!!!AAAHaaahhh!!!!!! HE SAVED EVERYONE OF US!!!!!!

Say what you will about the movie, but the soundtrack is pretty awesome.
posted by MsElaineous at 1:40 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Oh, god, Nattie, you are so right. Demolition Man is a fabulous bad movie. One of the most entertainingly terrible movies of my teen years.
posted by marginaliana at 1:40 PM on July 23, 2009


The very concept of ratedness is problematic. If everyone agrees something is underrated they are by definition wrong. Ratedness is the collision of two criteria, how much an individual or sub group likes something, and how the something is held in esteem by the rest of the world. It's this rest of the world business where this gets tricky because of course it doesn't actually mean the rest of the world. Let's take for example Arcade Fire's album The Funeral. On one hand the album was well received by the musical press, by indie fans, and by cool kids all over north america and europe. On the other hand your mom hasn't even heard of them. So how are arcade fire rated? Over? Under? It's a tough question.

I mention this because this list was occupied by bad movies that tons of people love, that are cult classics, or just plain classics like Big Trouble in Little China, or Dirty Dancing, or Love Story, or even The Rock. Lot's of people are going to think these movies are pretty good. They aren't Fellini but not every movie is going to be Fellini. And it isn't as if one can't have a legit bad movie that one likes both because of and in spite of it's badness. Has anyone seen Prehysteria 2?
posted by I Foody at 1:43 PM on July 23, 2009


ORthey: "1) To make sure that everyone everywhere sees "The Room," preferably with a large group of people and some good beer. You will not be disappointed. No one ever is. Hands down the greatest bad movie ever."

Oh hhhhi Metafilter!
Yep, came in here for the same thing; I have seen all of the movies on the list and none of them were as much fun as The Room (Rifftrax version available and recommended for lone viewings).

And while Ator is a good example of swords-and-sandals-low-budget-fantasy film, there are others even more worthy: Yor, Hunter from the Future or Hawk, the Slayer.
posted by PontifexPrimus at 1:43 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


They don't even mention the COOLEST thing about that (pre-)teen sexploitation Molly Ringwald vehicle, Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (yes, the title does go there, and yes, even as 13-year-olds we got it.), namely that it was in [[[[3-D]]]] !!!eleven!! And not that crappy "Giant-Ant" read and blue 3-D, it was the real-deal polarized light kind!

In short, it was so cool you had to wear shades to watch it.
posted by bonehead at 1:45 PM on July 23, 2009


If Flash Gordon is Bad I don't want to know what Good is.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:45 PM on July 23, 2009 [7 favorites]


No worst best movie list is credible when it overlooks the REAL worst best movie of all time: Over The Top. Sly Stallone is Lincoln Hawk, an arm-rasslin', truck-drivin' widow who just wants to get his little boy back from the clutches of Evil Grandpa, and score himself a shiny new semi in the process. It's a real tearjerker. For added awesometerribleness, throw in a vintage 80's score by Giorgio Moroder!

In a close second (and also scored by Giorgio Moroder, hardly a coincidence): Electric Dreams.
posted by the painkiller at 1:46 PM on July 23, 2009


The Crater Lake Monster beats them all. I could paint my finger brown and wiggle it across the screen, and it would be a more convincing sea monster than the monster in that film!
posted by jonp72 at 1:49 PM on July 23, 2009


Dammit, now I'm going to have to not visit that site nobody knows about and not illegally attempt to recreate my fond memories of crappy moves.

At least this time I won't not have beer.
posted by bonehead at 1:49 PM on July 23, 2009


I do not know why it is, but every time Ghost Ship comes on, I am compelled to watch it. It's gloriously dumb. I have rats in my brain, probably.
posted by Skot at 1:50 PM on July 23, 2009


Better Off Dead, Flash Gordon, Army of Darkness and Big Trouble in Little China are all unappreciated works of art.

Now if you want to talk great bad movies, Shakes the Clown is my personal favorite.


No, Shakes belongs up there with those others. Hilarious movie.

And I haven't seen The Room, but after hearing raves about it I watched some clips on YouTube. I highly recommend you watch this scene about six or seven times. It will keep getting funnier each time.

It's like it was written, directed and acted by creatures who have heard of, but not yet met, and actual human beings.
posted by Bookhouse at 1:50 PM on July 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


Urgh, stray "and" there.
posted by Bookhouse at 1:51 PM on July 23, 2009


Prospero, I had forgotten the glory that was Krull. Magical flying Clydesdales! Cyclops dude! and the five-pointed knife thing! And the vanishing evil castle!

..and that's pretty much all I can remember. Even though it was on every damn weekend in 1987, or so it seems.
posted by emjaybee at 1:53 PM on July 23, 2009


JaredSeth, I'll see your Shakes the Clown and raise you a Hot to Trot, Goldthwait's true masterpiece.
posted by rottytooth at 1:54 PM on July 23, 2009


Far as I'm concerned, Troll 2 wins this hands-down. They even made a film about it.
posted by Infinite Jest at 1:57 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Oh god Hot to Trot, how I loved that movie as a kid.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:59 PM on July 23, 2009


I have a memory of watching Point Break in my freshman Earth Sciences class toward the end of the year since it was "about surfing and waves".

Either that was a weird teacher or I have a weird brain.
posted by JoanArkham at 1:59 PM on July 23, 2009


Big Trouble in Little China is going to be released on Blu-ray on August 4, in an extended cut.

Goddamn, I have to buy a third copy?

Mr. Cereselle doesn't understand why I like this movie. But I love him anyway. Besides, he likes Baseketball.

I'm also a sucker for any stupid movie that has a bunch of crazy kids putting on a show against impossible odds. Thus, Sing, Shout (John Travolta! Jamie Walters! Heather Graham! Gwyneth Pal-- hey, what the fuck, Gwyneth Paltrow?), Step Up, and the inimitable Breakin 2: Electric Bugaloo.

Electric Bugaloo.
posted by cereselle at 2:02 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Megaforce. Deeds not words, friends, deeds not words.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:02 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Hot to Trot, Goldthwait's true masterpiece.

Not the strangest Goldthwaite/animal movie.
posted by Bookhouse at 2:02 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


No bad movie love for Mommie Dearest? It used to be on TV, miraculously, whenever my insomnia was at its worst.

Faye Dunaway gets all the bad (good) press on this one, but Diana Scarwid as Christina Crawford is a bad-acting revelation. Dull-eyed, expressionless, whiny...she almost makes you want to grab a wire hanger and take a few swings at her yourself.
posted by PlusDistance at 2:02 PM on July 23, 2009 [5 favorites]


Point Break is a bad good film not a good bad film. Point Break was the turning point for Keanu Reeves as stoner teenage time traveler to savior of the world. Johnny Utah was the turning point. There would be no Matrix without Point Break! It was so monumental to Patrick Swaze's career that no other role since could ever top the magnitude of "Bodhi" the surfer outlaw. And like Bodhi, I too have spent my entire life searching for my own perfect wave. There's so much awesomeness in Point Break that it deserves its own FPP. If it was legal in the state of New York, I would marry Point Break in a legally binding court approved civil union.
posted by cazoo at 2:03 PM on July 23, 2009 [6 favorites]


My favorite terrible movie is The Pirate Movie. It's essentially The Pirates of Penzance, but it was the 80s, so they decided to include rap, replace some of Gilbert and Sullivan's tunes with horrific pop music (including songs with titles like "Pumpin' and Blowin'" and "Give me a Happy Ending" which are so hilariously suggestive I can't believe it isn't intentional), and somehow have the whole thing start with a girl on roller skates.

Oh yeah, and the guy who played the Pirate King is apparently one of the producers, which is the only explanation I can figure for why he wears an enormous, red, jewel-encrusted codpiece for the entirety of the film.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:03 PM on July 23, 2009 [4 favorites]


Army of Darkness? Big Trouble in Little China? Deep Blue Sea? Fucking RAVENOUS?

This article is absurd.
posted by brundlefly at 2:05 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


And you can't forget the random animated interlude!
posted by ocherdraco at 2:05 PM on July 23, 2009


I'm not sure I get what they mean by "bad". Some of those movies are cool, and not in a "bad" way. And then some are straight up bad, and not in a "cool" way.
posted by Liquidwolf at 2:14 PM on July 23, 2009


> Road House.

I'm a longtime Road House fan, and a few years ago I watched it with my wife and another couple. The next time we got together with that couple we had to pick out another good/bad movie to watch and she said "How about another movie like Road House?" And I had to tell her "Well, baby, that's kind of the thing about Road House..."
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:20 PM on July 23, 2009 [5 favorites]


To make sure that everyone everywhere sees "The Room," preferably with a large group of people and some good beer. You will not be disappointed. No one ever is.

I've seen all manner of shitty movies, from bad horror/sci-fi to romantic comedies, and this is really what sets The Room apart. Manos, Troll 2 and the like are dreadful, but not everyone wants to sit through them.

It's impossible that the audience, especially in a group setting, will not love The Room. I have watched dozens of friends see it for the first time and every single person laughs and groans throughout the whole thing. Especially with the beer.
posted by Adam_S at 2:21 PM on July 23, 2009


Big Trouble in Little China is going to be released on Blu-ray on August 4, in an extended cut.

Uh-oh. Six months ago I would have been pleased as piss about this, but I keep hitting cut after cut of movies that -- well, they're not so much new cuts as unedited versions. New crap bits that no one should ever see, and more crap bookmarking the good stuff, tainting every fucking scene. I'd like to think that BTILC is safe from this but I just don't know.

So anyway, yeah, BTILC, Army of Darkness, Point Break? I don't think so. These guys are either not really trying, or have a different definition of "bad" than I'm used to.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 2:21 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Also, I love Deep Blue Sea so much I'm not even sure irony is involved. Samuel L.'s big speech. "As a cahn-sequence, the shahks got smah-tah." Carter getting harpooned in the leg. Preacher's speech about hot stoves and hot women. So much happy goodness.

Somehow, this movie gets even better if you invite a bottle of vodka to watch it with you.

That's about right.
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:25 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


I guess none of you have seen Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. With stars such as Lorenzo Lamas and Debbie Deborah Gibson.

Get some friends, a six-pack and a pizza and just count the reasons this movie blows. There was so much bad we missed debating what was just said or happened, we watched it again to catch everything else that was a complete cock-up. Mega, giant fun.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:25 PM on July 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


Big Trouble in Little China?

YOU LEAVE JACK BURTON ALONE!

posted by Dr-Baa at 2:26 PM on July 23, 2009 [5 favorites]


Watch Manos, Hands of Fate and get back to me.

Manos is child's play next to the sanity-destroying confused mess that is Red Zone Cuba.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:28 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


I keep reading the references to Liquid Sky in here and got it confused with Vanilla Sky. But perhaps I am not so confused after all.
posted by Big_B at 2:28 PM on July 23, 2009


God, I wouldn't even know where to begin with a list like this; I mean, movies like A Knight's Tale is a guilty pleasure, but I don't really think it's a bad movie, and there are dozens of films I feel the same way about.

Favorite worst movie though? Torque maybe? It has some things to recommend it, like Jamie Pressly, cool bikes, and, uh, Jamie Pressly... but it also has a motorcycle fight. I mean, they use motorcycles as weapons at one point in the film. You just sit there wondering who thought this would ever be good idea in a movie. Oh, and the jet bike that goes all rat-thing; exploding windows and leaving a trail of debris in it's wake, except for the part that they don't do that... It's all awful.

And yet... I'll watch it ever time it's on.
posted by quin at 2:28 PM on July 23, 2009


Double Team, with Jean Claude Van Damme, Dennis Rodman, Mickey Rourke, and a tiger, is a whole bunch of fun and also a pretty crappy movie.
posted by Cookiebastard at 2:30 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Krull. (See former A-list Shakespearean actors shoot lasers on horseback)
Showgirls. (I should not need to tell you how awesome this movie is)
Leprechaun. (C'mon. The villain talks in iambic pentameter and where that fails, limerick)
Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone ( with Molly Ringwald no less)
Grizzly. (a bear that knocks the head off a horse.)
Ice Pirates. (Ice. Pirates. Spaceships. Boobies.)


Now those are AWESOME bad movies. I wonder if the people in the article actually go to movies at all.
posted by tkchrist at 2:30 PM on July 23, 2009


Timothy Rinehart: A.V.P. isn’t just a bad movie—it’s the love-child of a string of inbred bad movies that are sometimes memorable but never credible.

What the

Wait hold on I mean wait it seems like you're saying uh

So, like you're saying that like Aliens is uh

Whuh

Who the fuck are you?
posted by churl at 2:31 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


One word: Virus.
posted by generichuman at 2:31 PM on July 23, 2009


> Far as I'm concerned, Troll 2 wins this hands-down.

And now it's on Hulu!
posted by churl at 2:31 PM on July 23, 2009



Yes, that's right, 'written' by Jenny McCarthy. Oh, it took many, many lemoncello shots to get through that one my friends. Be warned.


Lemoncello? TWO WRONGS DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT!
posted by tkchrist at 2:33 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Ice Pirates.

Indeed.
posted by Liquidwolf at 2:34 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


And actually, while I'm on the subject of Jamie Pressly, DOA: Dead or Alive; a movie that easily should have been one of the worst movies ever made, and yet, between the locations, the cinematography, and the actors they cast, I find it as another flick that I can watch again and again.

But it now occurs that there is one that bests them all, fucking Barb Wire. A movie that I can't actually watch repeatedly, because it's too awful. But the mere fact that it exists, as a post apocalyptic remake of Casablanca ... with tits and hand cannons, is enough to let me sleep well at night knowing that all is right with the world.
posted by quin at 2:34 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Dirty Dancing gets cheesier and cheesier with every subsequent viewing, and yet I still love it. I've dreamed of putting together a "They Just Didn't Care" montage for the anachronisms in that movie, which peak in the final dance scene. ("Guy in background is wearing Ray Bans and has a fade. Folks, they just didn't care.")
posted by Ladybug Parade at 2:34 PM on July 23, 2009


What's it say about me that most of the movies in the article AND that you've all recommended are all favorites of mine. The Room, Shakes the Clown, The Rock, Army of Darkness (>!WTF?>! Not bad at all!). When I think of 'favorite bad movie' as in my most favorite awful movie ever, I'd go for Crossroads or The Notebook or Gigli or something. If it's like, bad movie that I could watch again and again, Snakes on a FUCKING PLANE. But Army of Darkness is just plain good.
posted by Bageena at 2:35 PM on July 23, 2009


Double Team!

Oh. Yes. Now THERE is some imagination, my friend. That move is the perfect time capsule of everything bad in 1990's. Poor JCVD career crashing into a 700 kilo block of cocaine addiction is actually audible in that one.
posted by tkchrist at 2:36 PM on July 23, 2009


Six months ago I would have been pleased as piss about [BTILC on Blu-ray], but I keep hitting cut after cut of movies that -- well, they're not so much new cuts as unedited versions. [...] I'd like to think that BTILC is safe from this but I just don't know.

The disc is going to have the theatrical cut as well--it's a safe buy.

Oh--since there are so many fans of that film in this thread, it's worth noting that La La Land Records still has copies of their two-disc limited edition release of the complete score: 96+ minutes worth of music.
posted by Prospero at 2:36 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


> Ice Pirates. (Ice. Pirates. Spaceships. Boobies.

Oh, sweet Jesus. I saw that one at my grandparents' house, with my grandmother sitting in the living room with me. Most of the movie, as I remember it, was a pretty standard Star Wars rip-off, but then there was the obligatory suuuuuuuuuuuuuper-long '80s-style sex scene. The two of us sat through the whole god damn thing while the most uncomfortable silence I've ever suffered through tick-tick-ticked away...
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:37 PM on July 23, 2009 [4 favorites]


is it Ghostbusters 2?

srsly, that movie is HORRIBLE.
'hi, we're here for the sequel'
"oh good, here's boatloads of money. are you ready to shoot? we're shooting now."
'wait, don't we have to learn a script or something?'
"nah...just ad lib some shit. do you want more money? here, take some. OK, big smiles, everyone, BIG SMILES"

and what, no Godzilla? Godzilla vs. Mothra has got to be one of the best/worst movies ever. god that moth can act.
posted by sexyrobot at 2:38 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Far as I'm concerned, Troll 2 wins this hands-down.

I was with you until I saw The Room, but for a double bill, those two movies have the making for an amazing evening.

YOU DON'T PISS ON HOSPITALITY!
posted by ORthey at 2:40 PM on July 23, 2009


Shakes the Clown happens to be my litmus test for if I will sleep with you or not. That and if you'll sleep with me or not.
posted by tkchrist at 2:42 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Speaking of Point Break
posted by philip-random at 2:42 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


You're TEARING ME APART, MetaFilter!
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:42 PM on July 23, 2009 [5 favorites]


Popeye - Robert Altman's underappreciated, bad masterpiece.
posted by Verdant at 2:44 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


The Ice Pirates mentions reminded me of another masterful work Space Truckers. The amount of work that went into providing a realistic zero gravity environment is astonishing (hint: I'm pretty sure they used string).

And what E-list cast of SyFy network nobodies would they use for this nothing film? Stephen Dorff and Dennis Hopper.
posted by quin at 2:50 PM on July 23, 2009


Cruel Intentions 2. Watch it... I rest my case.
posted by thehuskybride at 2:52 PM on July 23, 2009


People, please! It's all about Red Dawn!
posted by Vervain at 3:01 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Just registering my disappointment that someone thought Ravenous was a "bad" movie. It's kind of unusual, but I can't think of anything about it I find "bad" -- in fact, it's one of my all-time favorite movies, and definitely the best film I've ever seen about the ethics of eating meat. I first saw it with a friend of mine who loves cheap tawdry gore-fests, and that's what I was expecting. About half an hour in, I was like, "Wait... this is actually really fucking good."
posted by Greg Nog at 3:07 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Far as I'm concerned, Troll 2 wins this hands-down. They even made a film about it.

Hey, I would go for Boondock Saints and they made a fucking awesome movie about that.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 3:09 PM on July 23, 2009


Hexed with Claudia Christian and Arye Gross. Trailer
posted by zarq at 3:09 PM on July 23, 2009


Oh lord, Deep Blue Sea. I remember watching that with a girlfriend, and our cries of disbelief got more and more fantastical as the movie wore on, that they became a running joke on their own.. "Sharks can't cure cancer!" "Sharks can't use stoves!!" "Sharks can't open locked bulkheads!" "Sharks can't order Pay-Per-View!" "Sharks can't run for office!"

But my favorite cringe-inducingly awful movie is End of Days. A nihilistly suicidal Arnie spends most of the movie spouting the most inane aphorisms regarding religion I've ever heard, before shooting at the Devil. Arnie (as the ludicrously named JERICHO CANE): "Between your faith and my Glock nine millimeter, I'll take the Glock."
posted by FatherDagon at 3:12 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Not the strangest Goldthwaite/animal movie.

I always assumed I was the only one who ever saw that, bookhouse, to the point that I was beginning to wonder if I had hallucinated it.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 3:13 PM on July 23, 2009


I love Pet Sematary 2. There. I said it.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 3:18 PM on July 23, 2009


Ravenous... "Wait... this is actually really fucking good."

I completely agree; Ravenous is a great movie and shouldn't be anywhere near a "worst" list like this. Personally, I think a lot of people walked into it expecting it to be something else, and didn't realize that it's actually meant to be a very funny black comedy.

"He was LICKING ME!" is still shouted in the house when one is woken up by a cat wanting to be fed.
posted by quin at 3:18 PM on July 23, 2009


Point Break is a bad good film not a good bad film.

The first ~2/3 of Point Break are pretty good, up until Bodhi goes uncharacteristically violent and the movie becomes another generic cop/revenge movie. Keanu Reeves is OK as Agent Utah, and Patrick Swaze is good.

Speed is just flat-out a great movie. And the look on Jeff Daniels face just before [SPOILER!] he gets blown up at the bomber's house is a great bit of nonverbal acting.

Big Trouble in Little China is going to be released on Blu-ray on August 4, in an extended cut.

Chinese have a lot of hells.
posted by kirkaracha at 3:20 PM on July 23, 2009


Dirty Dancing is my all-time favorite "boo-hoo nobody loves me but it's ok because something totally unexpected will happen and everything will turn out wonderfully in a leather jacket" movie. I cry at "She's Like the Wind" nearly every time. Pretty bad, but I love it.
posted by Night_owl at 3:20 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Jesus Christ, Eddie Money is alive. Sorry, people on that bus a week ago. My bad.

Just to say: sadly, Victor Wong is not. Now that's an obit that should've been on Metafilter. (although passing away Sept 12, 2001, it might not have received that much attention on the blue)

The first ~2/3 of Point Break are pretty good, up until Bodhi goes uncharacteristically violent

Dude, that's why he needs Rosie. He could never do that to Tyler. She was his woman. They shared time.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 3:22 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


If you grew up in the 90s and you can't see the awesomeness of Double Dragon, you're probably not drinking enough. Ahem.
posted by obvious at 3:26 PM on July 23, 2009


This thread is incredible, loving it.

My favourite bad movie? Batman and Robin. Joel Schumacher obviously went to a meeting with Warner Bros, took one look at the script and went: "well it's about a man who fetish dresses like a BAT anyway so who cares if it's high camp and outrageous and joyous and beyond silly. At least I won't be trying to elevate it above the drivel that it blatantly is."

Mark my words, in ten years Batman and Robin will be a post-ironic classic.
posted by hnnrs at 3:29 PM on July 23, 2009


Although I clearly haven't seen enough good bad movies, the one that stands out in my mind is Gymkata, starring former Olympic gold medal gymnast Kurt Thomas in the role of a lifetime. I mean, it's set in the freakin' country of Parmistan; how cool is that? And he somehow manages to stumble upon oddly convenient pipes and sawhorses that he can use as impromptu gymnastics gear in almost every scene, which is awfully convenient, seeing how he's a gymnast and all. I don't recall if Gymkata ever got the MST3K treatment, but trust me, if you watch it in a room full of like-minded people, you'll soon find yourself yelling helpful suggestions at the screen. Just don't dwell too much on the plot...or the acting...or (especially) the directing.
posted by mosk at 3:30 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


The Mummy and The Mummy Returns are the ones I would have put my money on.
THE SECOND ONE HAS EVIL KILLING MIDGETS THAT HIDE IN THE LONG GRASS AND THE ROCK CROSSED WITH A SCORPION
posted by litleozy at 3:30 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Tarkan vs The Vikings

So Tarkan, who's recongized for being totally awesome, is rolling around the castle one day, when a bunch of vikings suddenly roll in and start killing; I mean these guys really kill. One viking picks up a child in one hand and an axe in the other, combines the two, and tosses the result aside like a used tissue. I guess the're pissed at having to wear toilet cozies as hats and whatnot (no lie).

Tarkan really doesn't take to this, and in return does some killing of his own. It seems to be just another day in the life of Tarkan till the vikings cross the line. One of those silly scandinavian bastards kills one of his dogs. Now Tarkan must kill, sex, and kill his way from Turkey to Viking Town and get revenge.

It's like they gave a 'Conan the Barbarian' fan club some speed and let them raid a Bed, Bath and Beyond. Brings a smile to my face everytime.

Oh, and if you're lucky, you can pick up the DVD with Tarkan and The Deathless Devil. Giant cardboard robots and a Villan Named 'Dr Satan'.
posted by The Power Nap at 3:31 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


If anyone hasn't totally disregarded me for my last post; I remember reading somewhere that Joel Schumacher, Paul Verhoeven and Renny Harlin signed a pact upon coming to Hollywood that they would make the worst movies possible, and still make money off them. I think it was a joke on the journalist's part, but it still rang true.
posted by hnnrs at 3:34 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


See also, Sean Connery wearing a two piece ladies swimsuit with hooker boots over the bafflingly awesome Zardoz.
posted by dobie at 3:35 PM on July 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


"EVIL KILLING MIDGETS THAT HIDE IN THE LONG GRASS AND THE ROCK CROSSED WITH A SCORPION"

win
posted by hnnrs at 3:35 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


hnnrs : Mark my words, in ten years Batman and Robin will be a post-ironic classic.

I don't think so. I believe that it will continue to be the worst movie ever made. Not in a "worst favorite" way, just a worst-worst way.

I firmly believe that the only reason this movie should ever be watched is in a film history class, as an example of how to very nearly destroy a franchise with copious amounts of money and no fucking sense.
posted by quin at 3:40 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


But my favorite cringe-inducingly awful movie is End of Days. A nihilistly suicidal Arnie spends most of the movie spouting the most inane aphorisms regarding religion I've ever heard, before shooting at the Devil.

I saw that in a packed house in Boston, and it was one of the most fun times I've had in a theater.

Ahnold (to Satan): "You ah a choirboy compared to me! A choirboy!"
posted by Prospero at 3:41 PM on July 23, 2009


What? No Killer Klowns from Outer Space?! And we mustn't forget Frogs.
posted by litterateur at 3:42 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Your favorite bad movie sucks, but not as much as mine!
posted by JT at 3:44 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Cannibal Holocaust. It just did not live up to the feverish expectations of our 11-year-old minds. (But in hindsight it's good-bad for a number of reasons.)
posted by Dumsnill at 4:12 PM on July 23, 2009


This thread is a lot more fun than the article. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (that clip is just amazing) and Sleeping Dogs Lie are first on my list to see.
posted by rottytooth at 4:15 PM on July 23, 2009


I always felt that Legends of the Fall was one of those "bad" movies that were irresistable to watch and make fun of. Preferably with beer.
posted by daq at 4:35 PM on July 23, 2009


> Cannibal Holocaust. It just did not live up to the feverish expectations of our 11-year-old minds. (But in hindsight it's good-bad for a number of reasons.)

Hell of a title, though. Back when I was in school my housemates and I were looking through the old Video Hound Guide and decided Cannibal Holocaust, Hillbilly Blitzkrieg and Viking Massacre would be a great Triple Bill Of Violence.
posted by The Card Cheat at 4:43 PM on July 23, 2009


Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Ice Pirates the movie with "Space Herpes"?

We may have a winner...er...loser.
posted by JaredSeth at 4:45 PM on July 23, 2009


SPACE HERPES!!!

Sorry, I couldn't resist.
posted by JaredSeth at 4:47 PM on July 23, 2009


No one's mentioned the Star Wars Holiday Special? ... Oh, wait, films that we love, not films that are abandoned-in-the-wilderness-with-the-clothes-on-your-back-and-a-small-knife-style endurance tests.

After a while you sort of start liking it, though.
posted by bettafish at 4:48 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh how I love Deep Blue Sea...I'm also a huge fan of Anaconda. By FAR J. Lo's best work in any genre. In that same family of films is the rarely mentioned (and totally awesome) Night of the Lepus, about giant killer rabbits. They were clearly strapped for special effects cash (can't imagine why), so the "giant rabbis" are regular bunnies filmed way up close and slowed down with a glaaargh/snarrrggghh voiceover track. And when a rabbit attacks, it's a guy in a bunny suit jumping on people. Now that's movie magic!
posted by Go Banana at 4:50 PM on July 23, 2009


Once my boyfriend and I were channel surfing when we stopped on Deep Blue Sea, which neither of us had ever seen before.

"Oh hey, Samuel L. Jacks-OH MY GOD WHAT JUST HAPPENED?"

We then immediately flipped to something else. I mean, if Samuel L. Jackson's part is obviously over, what's the point?
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 4:51 PM on July 23, 2009


Yeah yeah yeah.

Manos and Plan 9 are really bad.
This isnt 1988 anymore.

Yes they are bad movies, they are also boring as shit.

Check out The Apple

The 1970s best ever other decade for sheer ballsy ambition trumping any kind of common sense.
posted by Senor Cardgage at 4:56 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Never Too Young to Die is pretty high on my bad-movie list. John Stamos as a secret agent, Gene Simmons as a hermaphrodite supervillain. Also Vanity's in it.
posted by box at 5:14 PM on July 23, 2009


I'm also partial to the period tits-and-gore no budget extravaganza, The Haunting of Morella, rented for me by two separate girlfriends because "it looked like something you would like." (The subsequent real-life murder of Lana Clarkson does cast, however, a bit of a pall over it in retrospect.)
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:16 PM on July 23, 2009


I have one word to say to you all. Just one word.

Shakma.
posted by cereselle at 5:21 PM on July 23, 2009


Metafilter: Also Vanity's in it.
posted by cereselle at 5:21 PM on July 23, 2009


Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Ice Pirates the movie with "Space Herpes"?

My childhood memories of it are dim, but I'm pretty sure it features a robot taking a dump as well.
posted by Bookhouse at 5:31 PM on July 23, 2009


C'mon now, how can this conversation be complete without mention of Gymkata and Starcrash?

Gymnastics and karate, people!!! And how could you not love a bikini-clad space pirate and The Hoff fighting Amazons, cavemen, and stop motion robots?!
posted by Diagonalize at 5:33 PM on July 23, 2009


so the "giant rabbis" are regular bunnies

Oy.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:41 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


No bad movie love for Mommie Dearest? It used to be on TV, miraculously, whenever my insomnia was at its worst.

There's a huge difference between bad and so bad it's perfection. This is what "Mommie Dearest" is. Faye Dunaway must love the fact that this screeching overmade-up scenery-chewing-and-spitting part obliterated every other single acting role she ever had, including Bonnie Parker.

Also, can't believe nobody's mentioned "Death to Smoochy." Edward Norton in a hippo suit. Non-earnest insane Robin Williams. Directed by Danny De Vito. Pure awful. Unfunny as hell.
posted by blucevalo at 5:55 PM on July 23, 2009


rusty: Pet Sematary

Oh my. You do realize there is a story behind his movie, don't you? *pulls up chair*

You see, Pet Sematary is based on a novel by this obscure novelist named Stephan Klang or something like that who lives in some godforsaken wilderness called Maine. When Stephan wrote PS he passed it on to his adoring kitten Tabby to vet it as he always did, and Tabby got mightily squicked. So Stephan put the MS in a drawer and forgot about it.

Until, some years later, he got in a contract dispute with his publisher and was told that he absolutely had to produce another novel for them, no ifs ands or buts. So he said fine, publish THIS. And they did, and much dinero was collected in the process. (Incidentally, SK would revisit this whole idea of publishing old trunk novels later in the novel Bag of Bones.)

Now, SK was a well known and beloved source of material for Hollywood, and few of the movies made from his stories resembled the source stories much. The Shining didn't have the garden maze, Christine had a totally different ending, and so on. SK always worked with the scriptwriters to help them "optimize" his stuff for the screen. But when the producers of Pet Sematary came calling SK wouldn't take their calls. He was done with it. Finito. The cat peed on it and that was that.

So they simply transcribed the story to film exactly as he wrote it. Turns out SK is a pretty damn cinematic teller of stories, and it worked better than anyone really expected. Sure you know from about the third frame of film that of course the kid is gonna snuff it and of course Dad is gonna bury him in the bad place and of course the result is going to be an outtake from Stargate: SG1. But it's like watching a train wreck frame by frame, just when you think you can't stand to look any more holy fuck is that a tank car flying through the air and you keep watching.

Anyway it worked so well that that's pretty much been the model for all SK novel to movie adaptations since, and people have even gone back to do his older works like The Shining again, lovingly doing it scene-by-scene as written with bold new actors instead of the Improved Hollywood Version with forgotten has-beens like Jack Nicholson.

But meanwhile, SK wrote a novel called IT which was about 1,200 pages long and pretty much said everything SK needed to say about life. And after that, pretty much all he could come up with is rehashes of his old stuff expanded to 4,000 pages in the service of New Improved Non-Cardboard Character Building.

And that, friends and neighbors, is how Dreamcatcher came to be.
posted by localroger at 6:07 PM on July 23, 2009 [15 favorites]


I'm surprised no one has mentioned the Whoopie Goldberg vehicle "Theodore Rex"

Whoopie and a dinosaur team up, to fight crime, what more could you want?
posted by hellojed at 6:07 PM on July 23, 2009


A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell.
posted by OverlappingElvis at 6:16 PM on July 23, 2009


Since Zardoz was already mentioned, I'll go ahead and say that the Underworld movies can be insanely fun to watch. I think it's because, these days, one would expect any movie that's about werewolves fighting vampires to have at least a few campy or ironic moments. You keep expecting one of those scenes where the movie winks to the audience and says, "hey I know this is all so silly, but we're having fun, aren't we?" Or you keep expecting some postmodern reference to famous earlier vampire/werewolf films.

But Underworld has no time for such things. It takes the idea of werewolves fighting vampires so seriously. There is nothing funny going on here. Which makes the entire series utterly hilarious.

Although I could be wrong about that. Maybe there were a few moments of comedic relief. I didn't catch them; I don't think I've seen any of those movies sober.
posted by Kronoss at 6:18 PM on July 23, 2009


I'm surprised no one has mentioned the Whoopie Goldberg vehicle "Theodore Rex"

Whoopie and a dinosaur team up, to fight crime, what more could you want?


Documentaries are ineligible, dude.
posted by Senor Cardgage at 6:20 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Solarbabies

Kingdom Of The Spiders

Bloody Pit of Horror
posted by nola at 6:22 PM on July 23, 2009


FAVORITE Worst movies?

I think John Carpenter owned the 1980's.

My personal favorite is They Live with the world's longest fight scene.

But there's also The Fog, Escape from New York, Christine, Prince of Darkness and the aforementioned Big Trouble in Little China.
posted by cjets at 6:28 PM on July 23, 2009


Oh and don't forget Gay Niggers from Outer Space. You can watch that on google video.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 6:31 PM on July 23, 2009


Megaforce. Deeds not words, friends, deeds not words.

I think we may have been separated at birth. I love you.
posted by Fleebnork at 6:43 PM on July 23, 2009


I've never seen The Demon Wet Nurse, but on the basis of the title alone, it's got to be in the running.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:48 PM on July 23, 2009


Dangerous Men
posted by ducky l'orange at 6:48 PM on July 23, 2009


Also, what about Mandingo? Gay Niggers from Outer Space fails as it's obviously ironic. Mandingo is pure win from start to finish.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:52 PM on July 23, 2009


No bad movie love for Stuart Gordon's 80's Lovecraft adaptions? Re-animator and From Beyond?
posted by octothorpe at 6:52 PM on July 23, 2009


Gotta be The Fast and the Furious. "I live my life a quarter-mile at a time!" And, oh god, the bit where the genius kid attempts to explain that he has ADD but can't remember the disorder's name, because of his ADD... [shudder]
posted by equalpants at 6:54 PM on July 23, 2009


localroger, you just made me realize how voraciously I will one day read a book about Stephen King's career. Does anyone know if a good one has been written yet?
posted by Bookhouse at 7:00 PM on July 23, 2009


The New Barbarians ( aka Warriors of the Wastelands.)

A car that allows the driver to shoot the doors off in order to kill enemies. The car of the future, of course, is an old Camaro with vacuum hoses coming out of the hood, and a bubble top added for looks. Lots of car crashes involving a silly looking forklift type funky future car - and a stack of beer kegs. lots of kegs. A male rape scene. Men who scream AFTER their heads have been severed. Transparent body armor of the future. Sexy woen who like to get down and dirty with large men who know how to use a bow.

This movie is awesome. It's an Italian Mad Max Western of the Future. With beer kegs.
posted by bradth27 at 7:08 PM on July 23, 2009


Am I the only person to ever see Firestorm? Smoke jumping firefighter saves kidnapped bird watcher from William Forsythe, who in the climax, basically dies twice? Oh, and did I mention that the lead is played by Howie Long?

Seriously.
posted by axiom at 7:20 PM on July 23, 2009


What, this many comments in and no mention of Glitter?
posted by orange swan at 7:43 PM on July 23, 2009


Octothorpe: I'll give you From Beyond; Barbara Crampton in fetish gear and all sorts of outlandish gore and Jeffrey Combs' phallic pineal gland protruding from his forehead and a consistent sadistic sexual vibe mixed with horrible dialogue and lousy pacing makes it a good bad movie.

Re-Animator, though, is simply a good movie. Classic splatter comedy.
posted by aldurtregi at 7:51 PM on July 23, 2009


Popeye - Robert Altman's underappreciated, bad masterpiece.

Dude, 1941.
posted by Chrischris at 8:14 PM on July 23, 2009


Re-Animator, though, is simply a good movie. Classic splatter comedy.

Yea, but the "giving head" scene?
posted by octothorpe at 8:16 PM on July 23, 2009


Octothorpe, are you seriously trying to come off like that's a bad scene? Like...like what the hell? "Oh, Alien was okay except for that part where the monster bursts out of the guy's chest, amirite?" "Apocalypse Now was going so well until that endless 'Ride of the Valkyrie' scene. What was that all about?" "Enter the Dragon would be awesome if not for all the fighting. Who wants to watch that?" "Taxi Driver. WHY all the scenes with that fucking TAXI?!" And so on.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 8:23 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Hey, I would go for Boondock Saints and they made a fucking awesome movie about that.

So I watched Overnight on ricochet biscuit's recommendation -- man, Troy Duffy is a huge douche. Wow. Such incredible opportunity completely wasted.

I didn't really like Boondock Saints before this, but now I want to watch it again and see if I can see the desperation seeping in.
posted by graventy at 8:42 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Since some wise soul has beaten me to Zardoz (starring Sean Connery's loins and a floating stone head that spits guns), I submit The Beautician and the Beast, which I am ashamed to adore. Depending on how much of Fran Drescher's voice you can stand, it's absolutely awful and quite entertaining.
posted by ninotchka at 8:42 PM on July 23, 2009


I haven't actually contributed to this list, have I? Ok, bad good (great) movie: Tremors. (the sequels, simply bad bad)

From Beyond definitely belongs here. And Gymkata, omg.

But seriously, not Carpenter. Well, ok, Ghosts of Mars and The Fog, but those are just painful. The rest are grade A, baby.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 8:59 PM on July 23, 2009


Argh. Ok, the one Carpenter piece that probably belongs here: Escape From L.A..
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 8:59 PM on July 23, 2009


Shakma.

I'm sold. In fact, I'm going to make it my mission in life to see any movie where (by implication) a character thinks "You know what the problem with baboons is? Insufficient aggression."
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:00 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Okay, I must step in and defend Zardoz again.

Zardoz is, admittedly, a creature of the late 60s and early 70s. The wardrobes are atrociously time-bound, and it's riddled with awful psychedelic hippy-dippy-ness.

But the story it's telling is really good. An after-the-singularity story about posthumans being trapped by their support systems (that seem to be slowly failing) and how they try to get around it and how they (accidentally?) create a new set of posthumans through their breeding program.

I mean, shit, if you stripped off the veneer of 1968-1974 goofy appearances, you'd be left with something that Ken MacLeod or Charlie Stross might have come up with.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:05 PM on July 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


Choose Me and nothing else on their list holds a candle to Alan Rudolph's Trixie.

How on earth did he get Nick Nolte, Emily Watson, Dermot Mulroney, Lesley Anne Warren, Will Patton, and Nathan Lane? The film is truly an abomination.

Also, can't believe nobody's mentioned "Death to Smoochy." Edward Norton in a hippo suit. Non-earnest insane Robin Williams. Directed by Danny De Vito. Pure awful. Unfunny as hell.

You're out of your mind. That movie's fuckin' hilarious.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 9:07 PM on July 23, 2009


Whoever mentioned Death To Smoochy as a bad film - you are a horrible, horrible human being and I hope the government investigates you.
posted by cerulgalactus at 9:17 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Terribly awesome movie: The Return of Captain Invincible. Alan Arkin, Christopher Lee, and Christopher Lee singing a song about alcohol. It's ridiculously hard not to watch the trainwreckage.

And I'll also admit to loving Drumline. God knows why, but I seem to be physically incapable of not watching this movie every single time it's on cable.
posted by evilbeck at 9:25 PM on July 23, 2009


All my favorite bad movies featured Rosie Holotik, for I had a crush on her.
posted by metagnathous at 9:28 PM on July 23, 2009


(This was before she became a real estate agent in Dallas.)
posted by metagnathous at 9:32 PM on July 23, 2009


I love this post. Not much more to add though. Maybe Malibu High?
posted by PHINC at 9:40 PM on July 23, 2009


Also, can't believe nobody's mentioned "Death to Smoochy." Edward Norton in a hippo suit. Non-earnest insane Robin Williams. Directed by Danny De Vito. Pure awful. Unfunny as hell.

You're out of your mind. That movie's fuckin' hilarious.

Whoever mentioned Death To Smoochy as a bad film - you are a horrible, horrible human being and I hope the government investigates you.


Death to Smoochy is indeed awful. Sorry, guys. It just is. The best performance in the film comes from Jon Stewart, and Jon Stewart can't even act, y'all! That said, it's not Plan 9 form Outer Space awful; it's just not very good.

P.S. Fuck you all, Demolition Man is great.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:41 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


I took my first date to see Mannequin. I was 12, it was the summer. All life's grandeur, etc. Camp for the "gifted". My mother drove me in our blue Volare, with its tattered celing strips aflutter, to pick up the girls, my date, and her friend, from the dorms on Forest Ave (we lived less than a mile from the University, and room and board added considerably to the cost of the program, which I was attending on scholarship anyway).

An hour later, my mother would sit in the back of the theater as I experienced first, conflicted lust. The girl's hair was soft and wheaten, a dry fragrance when she leaned against me lightly, to whisper something unrelated to the action on-screen--the hero and his gal (frozen again in the guise of a simple, department store mannequin) aboard a Honda scooter, scarves streaming through metropolitan, Friday night bustle. But of course, in reality I was the frozen one, the wooden dancer, helpless, led.

And that was the best worst movie I've ever seen.

The second best worst movie I've ever seen was also that summer, a rare outing with the stylish, hypersocial kids, who were mostly enrolled in the theater workshop. They chose License to Drive, starring Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, aka the Two Coreys.
posted by flotson at 9:55 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Lots of ZARDOZ shout-outs here. Once upon a time it was my favourite good/bad movie, to the point where I put together a Geocities page about it (back in '98, when there wasn't a whole lot of ZARDOZ-related information on the web). The page is long gone, but I never deleted the guestbook. My favourite entry:

Favourite ZARDOZ Character: The Flying Head
Favourite Line: Whatever it is that the flying head says when it is flying.
Favourite Scene: When the flying head flies.
Least Favourite Character: The Flying Head
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:06 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


There's different levels of great bad movies...

There's the obvious so bad it's good category. The one you can re-watch over and over with a few beers and some good friends, and quote endlessly. Road house is probably the epitome of this category, but for me it's Ford Fairlane

Then you have the "what do you mean bad? I love this movie!" These usually sneak in on your love of a certain genre, trojan horse style, just by hitting enough of the expected cliches. You know it's not good, but while you're watching it, you kind of forget a little. Sports movies are my weakness in this regard, and Varsity Blues never fails to disappoint.

The Final category is the "WTF?" Category. Movies that you're not sure if they're good or bad. You just sit and watch in slack-jawed astonishment that such a thing even exists. Were they trying to make a comedy? Why is everyone shushing me? I'm going to hell, aren't I? Let's watch it again!" If I was giving out Oscars, the award for this category would go to The Other Sister.

And of course, There's the category defying, best in show, all time favorite crappy movie...Rocky III Lest we forget, this is the movie that introduced the world to Mr. T. Thereby altering the course of human history forever.
posted by billyfleetwood at 10:23 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Ach. Being reminded of Gymkata and Mannequin...I may not sleep tonight. For sheer corporate shill-ness, though, I have to throw in Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man. Which included a character named Jack Daniels played by an actor named Big John Studd. Who looked at this and said, "Oh yeah, green-light this puppy"?
posted by sapere aude at 10:25 PM on July 23, 2009


The scene I love most in Big Trouble in Little China, for reasons not entirely clear to me, is right at the end, when everyone expects Kurt Russell and Kim Cattrall to kiss, and instead he just shrugs and walks out the door.
posted by Ritchie at 10:27 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Perhaps more of a cult movie, but I love 2+5 Mission Hydra (AKA Star Pilot). Crazy 60's Italian space fashion and Ed-Wood-worthy dubbing - I don't need anything else.
posted by gamera at 10:34 PM on July 23, 2009


"...many of the film's lines are intentionally tongue-in-cheek, and this knowing sense of humor contributes to the collective affection with which the picture is remembered by its fans...." Flash Gordon was written and performed as high camp. I hope.
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 10:38 PM on July 23, 2009


whoopi's made a bunch of goodbads...jumpin jack flash is tons of fun...the cop drama 'fatal beauty' (dont call me bitch!)

love 'dont tell mom the babysitter's dead'...good stuff...total shit.
posted by sexyrobot at 10:40 PM on July 23, 2009


No one wants to admit to loving Clash of the Titans?

I watched that movie so often than my mom purposefully taped over it. The effects are awful, and I'm pretty sure my cousins had the same Godzilla toy they used for the Kraken, but still I love it.
posted by Kimothy at 10:51 PM on July 23, 2009 [5 favorites]


I can't believe that Buffy The Vampire Slayer hasn't been mentioned! I love that movie almost as much as Showgirls.

Or The Wraith. That is one terrible movie.
posted by fshgrl at 10:57 PM on July 23, 2009


I did not know that there already was a comic version of Lord of the Rings ... weird
posted by SamsFoster at 11:18 PM on July 23, 2009


My God, Showgirls.

There was a small movie theater in an apartment complex where I used to live, and a bunch of us organized a (drunken) viewing party.

One unfortunate guy clearly had no idea what he was in for - two minutes into the movie, he clutched my arm in horror and said, "This is the worst movie I've ever seen in my life!"

Good times.

(Unrelatedly, I can't possibly be the only one who would prefer an ice pick to the brain over Johnny Dangerously. The horror. Oh, the horror.)
posted by Space Kitty at 11:24 PM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Dragonslayer. I could watch it over and over, despite Peter MacNicol. And while am at it, you know what? Willow. Yeah, fuck you. Dark Crystal and Labyrinth and The Last fuckin' Unicorn too, asshole. Want some more? Ladyhawke, chew on that with the taste of Krull still in your mouth. American Werewolf in London. See what I did there? Yeah I can mix good shit in too. Circle of Iron. What? I couldn't hear you over my own awesome. You're nothin man. Now beat it, chump, I gotta watch The Cell again to watch Detective Goren prancing and mincing and looming like it was Vaughn's career that was ending.

And it's not mayonnaise. It's "ma-yo-NASE".
posted by fleacircus at 11:35 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh please, bad films? What about Johhny Menmonic.

Oh you mean good-bad films, not bad-bad films.
posted by Neale at 11:39 PM on July 23, 2009


From:
the 1950's: Ed Wood's "Beast of Yucca Flats" and "Plan 9 from Outer Space"

the 1960's: "Paint Your Wagon" (when, after "Sound of Music," Big Musicals nearly sunk the major studios) Lee Marvin and Clint Eastwood sing!
"Can Hieronymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness?" an Anthony Newley vanity picture. Critic Richard Von Busack calls Merkin "what I've sometimes thought was the worst film ever made by a human being in world history.
Yet such a too-simple view must be swept away on further study...."

the 1970s: "Night of the Lepus" to paraphrase Monty Python, these giant mutant bunnies indeed had mean streaks a mile wide. Not even DeForest Kelly can help.

the 1980s: from the worst decade ever for films:
"Can't Stop the Music" Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner, Valerie Perrine and the Village People in an unholy alliance directed by Nancy (Rhoda's mother) Walker.
"The Apple,"a thinly-veiled biblical allegory (Satan has one horn!) with an abundance of disco dance numbers. See critic Richard Von Busack's explication at Cinematical.

the 1990s: "My Boyfriend's Back" from the dead. Before zombies were trendy.

the 00's: "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" a headache at 24 frames per second.
posted by doncoyote at 12:05 AM on July 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


If we are just talking about shit films then we might as well throw Gigli and I Know Who Killed Me.
But if we're talking about shitty watchable films I'm going to throw Starship Troopers in the mix
posted by P.o.B. at 12:16 AM on July 24, 2009


Yeah, yeah, It's subversive and smart and blahdy blah blah aaaand it sucks.
posted by P.o.B. at 12:20 AM on July 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh I'm way late to this, but Liquid Sky is just fucking shit. It's not good-bad at all. It's shit. Crap. Shit. Did I say I disliked it? Shit, that film is. Crap. Utter utter shit crap.
posted by pompomtom at 1:13 AM on July 24, 2009


What, no mention of Skidoo? Where's the Arnold Stang love, people?
posted by maryh at 1:18 AM on July 24, 2009


My room-mate suggested Logan's Run. He will be surprised when he tries using his house key tomorrow.
posted by qinn at 1:27 AM on July 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


I'm sort of into bad movies. I tried not to duplicate any previously mentioned. Some of these are just plain awful, and some are so incredibly awful that they are awesome. I tried to link to trailers where possible. Some may contain NSFW language/scenery, I didn't go through and check every link. Enjoy, and mefimail me if you are interested in a particular one, these are all movies I own and have watched (some more times than I care to admit).

Merc Force
Despiser
Conversation With An Alien
Time Changer
See We Poe
Wilding: The Children of Violence
Copper Mountain
Rapid Fire
Mandroid
Twisted Justice
Escape 2000
Lady Terminator
Armstrong
Firehead
Murdercycle
Hard Rock Zombies
Splat
Piñata: Survival Island
Star Crash
Syngenor
Nukie
The Killing of Satan
Knights
Supervan
The Double O Kid
Skatetwon USA
Disco Dancer
Rambu: The Intruder
Phantom Raiders
Night of the Kickfighters
Ankle Biters
The Amazing Mr. No Legs
Deadly Reactor
Desert Kickboxer
Shredder Orpheus
Antibody
Blastfighter
Cocaine Wars
Bailout
The Final Alliance
The Final Sanction
Cold Harvest
Cybermutt
Slumber Party Massacre 2
Zone Troopers
Digital Man
The Dungeon Master
Groom Lake
Mean Guns
Kindergarten Ninja
Voyage of the Rock Aliens
Cutaway
The Star Wars Holiday Special
Rocktober Blood
Eliminators
posted by woj at 1:30 AM on July 24, 2009 [7 favorites]


Obvious, perhaps, but two as-yet overlooked (in this thread) gems from the Early Works of Hugh Grant: sex n' snakes romp The Lair of the White Worm (NSFW for the first few seconds) and Remando al Viento (trailer dubbed in Spanish, which actually seems to improve it) or Rowing with the Wind, an earnest, rather nice-looking Byron picture that wouldn't be so worthy a bad movie if it weren't for the pesky presence of Frankenstein's monster.
posted by notquitemaryann at 1:51 AM on July 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oops, that second link was supposed to actually go to the trailer.
posted by notquitemaryann at 1:55 AM on July 24, 2009


What about American Ninja
Cherry 2000

Any movie by Dolph Lundgren or even Tim Thomerson who stars in one of the best B action movies ever
Nemesis
Or one of the most cliched action movies in recent history Shooter
Or a video game movie that probably would've been better if they followed the original storyline because then you wouldn't have been able to drive trucks through the plot holes - Max Payne
posted by P.o.B. at 2:53 AM on July 24, 2009


By the way there is a scene in Nemesis where he's trapped inside a small bathroom inside a hotel. So he decides his best option is to shoot his way through the floor. That's right, that movie is so bad ass, other big budget movies were copying it ten years later.
posted by P.o.B. at 2:57 AM on July 24, 2009


Australia is responsible for some really, really bad movies that somehow my brother continues to insist are actually *good* movies. Examples: "Stone"and "Melvin, Son of Alvin" (I looked for links to a trailer but alas, youtube has deleted them; just read this synopsis and then picture the opening sequence which is that of a baby being born and all the nurses exposing their breasts to the newborn baby because he's just like so hot and stuff and you'll get an idea of how bad this movie is).

Personally my favourite bad movie, and yes it's Australian, is "Puberty Blues" because it's just like... um bad but watchable if you were like 14 when you first saw it and wished you lived somewhere near a beach (gooday, Gidget! You chicks are bent, fucking bent!)
posted by h00py at 4:43 AM on July 24, 2009


What, no mention of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon? It start off just plain awful bad, but becomes awesome bad.
posted by jzed at 4:56 AM on July 24, 2009


Pet Sematary bad? Sure. But the biggest Stephen King dog: Cujo.
posted by digsrus at 5:02 AM on July 24, 2009


What, no mention of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon? It start off just plain awful bad, but becomes awesome bad.

Indeed. So incredibly worth seeing. "WHAT did he just say?"
posted by biscotti at 5:12 AM on July 24, 2009


when I ran out of other VHS tapes to watch
... this is the same reason I ended up watching so much Jumping Jack Flash.
posted by fightorflight at 5:38 AM on July 24, 2009


Well, most people have already mentioned my top choices (also, what? Death to Smoochy, bad?).

Netflix's Watch It Now section is a surprisingly fertile place for movies like this. I think a recent favorite for me would have to be Ironmaster, where characters have names like Tog, Rag, and Vood, and you can see their white tennis shoes under the mops of fur they wear so that they can look like pre-iron age people. I highly recommend it.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 5:46 AM on July 24, 2009


Seconding, thirding, and fourthing The Apple. I saw it at a midnight showing in a crowded theater full of sci-fi fans (we were 12 hours in to a marathon and had 12 to go.) Oh, it was gloriously awful. It made Can't Stop The Music look like West Side Story. If you've ever wanted to know what a dance number looks like without a choreographer, you'll have plenty of chances to see that here. If you've ever wondered what exactly a literal deus ex machina ending looks like, you will come away with a better knowledge of the device. And if you really want to know what the last days of disco looked like (defiantly in its presumption that it would continue on to the far-flung future of 1994, where The Apple is set) then you are in for a real treat.

The movie was so bad that when the film broke in the projector with about 10 minutes to go, the audience stood as one and cheered. And we still find ourselves talking about it several years after the fact.



On the other hand, don't you say a single bad thing about The Phantom of the Paradise or brother, we're gonna hafta have Words.
posted by Spatch at 5:49 AM on July 24, 2009


Time Bandits
Starship Troopers
Real Genius
Dune (David Lynch's version)

And I second Point Break, Road House and Red Dawn. Who picks Swazye's scripts? Brilliant!
posted by LakesideOrion at 6:02 AM on July 24, 2009


Ha.. and Varsity Blues. Might be the worst movie ever...
posted by LakesideOrion at 6:06 AM on July 24, 2009


Woj I had to favorite your list for nights when I can't sleep.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 6:16 AM on July 24, 2009


No love for Waterworld? It's be my favorite "let go of your 'oh, come on!' instinct and just enjoy the spectacle" movie. (Though Apocalypto is now in the running, I suppose.)
posted by bigbigdog at 6:17 AM on July 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


I did not know that there already was a comic version of Lord of the Rings ... weird

If you were ten-year-old geek in 1978, you would have known about it. Peter Jackson saw it then, and one of the shots ("ProudFEET!") in Fellowship, twenty-plus years later, is a direct copy of the Bakshi composition. One of the things I might do with a time machine is go to a cinema in New Zealand some thirty years ago and sit a few seats over from a teenaged Peter Jackson as he sees a Lord of the Rings movie for the first time.

By the way, I had a chance to see Bakshi's version again a couple of years ago, and was astonished at the briskness. It comes across like a precis, covering more or less the same territory that the first two Jackson films did, in about one-third the aggregate running time. So it is lousy, but at least it is relatively quick.


By the way, this is all assuming that you mean "comic" to signify "animated" (which it is, barely). If you mean "comic" in the snese of "droll" -- boy, oh boy, is Bakshi ever an un-fun journey. There are a couple of entertaining post-mortems online, though.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:25 AM on July 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Time Bandits
Starship Troopers
Real Genius
Dune (David Lynch's version)



Just so I'm clear, you're nominating these for BAD movies? We....uh. We're going to have to take this outside.


Seriously, real genius? What exactly about that movie is anything less than glorious? Smart people on ice, for god's sake!
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 6:32 AM on July 24, 2009


But if we're talking about shitty watchable films I'm going to throw Starship Troopers in the mix


For me, this movie captures the essence of good bad movies. Even as you're watching it, you're thinking, "This is terrible. OMG, this is a bad, bad movie." But you watch to the end, and at some point, inexplicably, you find yourself wanting to watch it again. The book Starship Troopers falls into this category for me, too, and Connie Willis co-wrote a terrible sci-fi romance novel called Promised Land that I can't help reading from time to time.
posted by not that girl at 6:53 AM on July 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. A film in which Jesus comes back to Earth for the second coming, but before judgement day has time to save a town of lesbians from vampires. Did I mention it's a kung-fu film....and a musical. The theme song alone makes it an classic.

The first testament says "an eye for an eye." The second testament says "love thy neighbour." The third testament KICKS ASS!
posted by bap98189 at 7:14 AM on July 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


I think Time Bandits / Ice Pirates is a fairly unbeatable double-bill.
posted by mikepop at 7:14 AM on July 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


One of the joys of Showgirls was the self-importance it claimed when it was released. Joe Eszterhas was the most full-of-himself, over-the-top, emote with a banshee wielding a knife, misogynist writers. Paul Verhoeven was his equal as a director. And when the film came out they were claiming it as some sort of civil rights crusade. Lo! the discrimination in giving it an NC-17 rating. Children should skip school to watch it the way Spike Lee suggested they should skip school to watch Malcolm X (because, like, these films were equal).
At least Bruckheimer gives us explosions to drown out the stupidity.

Then there was the ripoff of the Stano poster. And watching Saved by the Bell and somehow coming to the conclusion Elizabeth Berkley could act. (Although this was so bad people felt sorry for her and gave her another chance, and she has redeemed herself.) And who better to make up for the lack of emoting than Kyle McClachlan! A genius stroke of casting!

Showgirls is the great American bad movie because it is so ultimately Hollywood. It doesn't have the excuse some of these others have being independent, low budget, or untested talent. It wallowed so deeply in its excesses. It was the AIG of American cinema. It may have singlehandedly ruined our economy and destroyed America. It was that bad.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 7:57 AM on July 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


Anytime ever, I would rewatch The Wizard and Bad Attitudes. I might get both of these plots wrong...

The Wizard, starring Fred Savage and Jenny Lewis (who went on to front Rilo Kiley), involved some runaway kids trying to get their autistic little brother to the International Nintendo Super Ultimate Championship in California. It was one giant product placement for Nintendo. When we first meet the evil kid he's gonna have to face - in some random truck stop that just happens to have a television and Nintendo set up - you know he's bad because he likes to play using the PowerGlove. He does that slowly-crinkling-your-fingers-into-a-scary-fist thing like maybe he thinks that he could use the Glove's Power to short-circuit our hero's mind.

The championship round is played on Super Mario Bros 3: a game no one has ever seen! And the autistic kid's such a savant that he knows to duck on that white block to enter the warp zone! It's like he can SEE the CODE!

Two lines still stand out: "And that's how I learned about craps." and "California.... CaliFORNia..." (said while rocking back and forth holding a keepsake lunchbox.

Bad Attitudes was some made-for-tv thing (I think) that my little brother and I taped back when pirating a movie still took some work. Six or so delinquents steal a plane, microwave some spaghettios and explode some stuff, find a couple of hijackers on board, and intimidate said hijackers with a Doberman who can be mysteriously controlled by a Silent-Bob type that they take to calling "the Beastmaster."

My childhood was so good.
posted by lauranesson at 8:04 AM on July 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


JCVH is awesome. You forgot that Our Lord enlists the help of his lucha-libre pal Santos.

The power of Christ impales you!

isn't Ice Pirates the movie with "Space Herpes"?

IIRC, it has only a single Space Herpie. Again IIRC, referred to as such.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:06 AM on July 24, 2009


Because no-one has mentioned it so far - Mutant Chronicles. Probably the most beautiful awful movie I've seen - some of the design is lovely (though my bf's justification "it has great design, so I must own it on Blu-Ray" is something of a stretch) . Great fun in predicting who's going to die when, and how they're going to die.
posted by Coobeastie at 8:06 AM on July 24, 2009


It may have singlehandedly ruined our economy and destroyed America.

That was the French. The treacherous French, who crippled our once-great national economy and wrecked our telephone system.

Which is to say that Death Race 2000 is also a totally awesome piece of dreck. Sly is really good-campy in it too.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:09 AM on July 24, 2009


I just watched Ice Pirates a few weeks ago, and it is indeed a single Space Herpe (sp?).

Hell Comes to Frogtown is sheer gold. On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, Howard the Duck is compulsively turn-offable -- it takes real effort to watch all the way through.
posted by cog_nate at 8:16 AM on July 24, 2009


I have to second Go Banana's comment about "Anaconda". Ice Cube? J-Lo? Jon Voight?

Voight chews so much scenery in that flick I'm surprised the Rainforest Alliance didn't come out against it.

The scene where he is regurgitated by the snake long enough to get in a quick *wink* at the camera is priceless.

Love it.
posted by Anizev at 8:20 AM on July 24, 2009


Oh, and it's strange that Samurai Cop hasn't been mentioned yet.

So, Samurai Cop.
posted by cog_nate at 8:30 AM on July 24, 2009


There should be a word (maybe the Germans have one) for "a film so bad you are immediately compelled to watch the Director's commentary to find out what the hell they were thinking".

Prime example: Bulletproof Monk.
posted by JoanArkham at 8:35 AM on July 24, 2009


The Happening-- so tragically bad that you just... can't... look... away.
Little know fact—most of the deaths in the film are actual suicides by the actors due to the realization of what they’ve done to their careers and released upon the world. The cameras just happened to be rolling at the time.
*watches a leaf blow across the lawn*
posted by Static Vagabond at 8:37 AM on July 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


With all the mention of Patrick Swayze's ability to do bad movies that are somewhat watchable, I'm suprised no one's mentioned Next of Kin.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 8:38 AM on July 24, 2009


Why is this even up for debate? The answer is, "The Beastmaster". Marc Singer and Midge (from that 70s show) and Chief Zed are all together in this unstoppably watchable train wreck, along with super cute ferrets.
posted by parilous at 8:55 AM on July 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Static Vagabond, it's so funny that you bring up The Happening. My wife and I just watched it a couple weeks ago and we're still not sure if it was intentionally bad or just wound up that way.

Although it is just plain bad, not "good bad", like a lot of the movies mentioned in this thread.
posted by JaredSeth at 8:59 AM on July 24, 2009


The answer is, "The Beastmaster".

If you think that's the answer, you need to watch Deathstalker pronto. Also, The Sword and the Sorcerer.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:14 AM on July 24, 2009


Red Dawn and Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.

Done.
posted by imalaowai at 9:16 AM on July 24, 2009


Turns out the main chickie-boo in Deathstalker is who Phil Spector killed. So there's that, too.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:17 AM on July 24, 2009


localroger: Yeah, the book is one of very few that I find genuinely scary too. Despite the inevitability of it all. My only theory on this is that the scariness of it all hinges on what is the last scene in the movie -- Louis carrying his dead wife off into the woods, to bury her in the sour ground, even though he knows perfectly fucking well what will happen. That right there wraps up the whole thing. And can you, or I, say that we wouldn't do the same? I don't know that I can. That's why it's so damn scary. Um, also the flashback scene with the dead Vietnam vet carrying a leg or something down into the cellar bulkhead. And all the stuff about Zelda. Christ, just remembering that movie creeps me the hell out.

I think SK's second most effectively scary thing he ever wrote was the story about the finger that comes up out of the guy's sink drain. Jesus does that ever give me the willies too.

Bookhouse: I've never read a good King bio, but he's put down a lot of the more interesting stories about his career here and there in various places already. One of the best is the fact that he cannot remember writing a single word of The Tommyknockers, because he was in the grips of a truly dire drug and alcohol addiction at the time. It really shows, as this book makes no sense at all. But on the bright side, if there was one earlyish-era King book that it would be a blessing to not recall having written, it's gotta be that one. Buried flying saucer? Psychic-powered IBM Selectric? WTF? I remember reading that and putting it down at the end and just sort of thinking, "Well, ok then."
posted by rusty at 9:17 AM on July 24, 2009


ROU_Xenophobe, re Zardoz: I mean, shit, if you stripped off the veneer of 1968-1974 goofy appearances, you'd be left with something that Ken MacLeod or Charlie Stross might have come up with.

It's really a shame that nobody has ever thought of taking out the bits of Zardoz that worked and telling the same story with a bit more focus. A crying shame. Really. Somebody should do something about that one day.
posted by localroger at 9:21 AM on July 24, 2009


rusty -- oh man, in the so bad it's good department, The Tommyknockers is one of my favorite SK novels precisely because that sense of manic detachment from reality comes flying off the pages. King wrote in On Writing that it was a perfect allegory for his own addiction, but he's wrong; it's actually a perfect allegory for what technology does to people. The Tommyknockers are just an accelerated version of our own creative impulse, turning junk into magic but also changing ourselves in the process, ultimately into something cruel and selfish and no longer recognizably human.

Unfortunately, the lack of author participation was less kind to the movie adaptation than it was to Pet Sematary.
posted by localroger at 9:34 AM on July 24, 2009


Time Bandits
Starship Troopers
Real Genius
Dune (David Lynch's version)

Just so I'm clear, you're nominating these for BAD movies? We....uh. We're going to have to take this outside.


Dune, maybe. Starship Troopers, only if you don't get the joke. Real Genius, saw it so long ago I don't have an opinion. But Time Bandits!?!?!? There is no bad in Time Bandits. And now I shall submit this spoiler.

As for all the Zardoz talk. I stumbled into Zardoz the first time I dropped LSD. It was a megadose, the Nth dimensional meltdown portion of which I experienced while attending a certain rock concert, but LSD being LSD, I was still good and high many hours later when I finally got dropped off at home ... with nothing to keep my ongoing expanding mind company but whatever happened to be on TV at 2AM. I turned the strange contraption on and ...

Well, let's just say, proof that God exists and he wants us to eat LSD.
posted by philip-random at 9:37 AM on July 24, 2009


No discussion of bad-film is complete without a shout-out to one of my favorites, the unbelievably inept Bruce Lee biopic/murder exposé Fist of Fear, Touch of Death. (click to see the whole film!)

Although it's ostensibly about Bruce Lee and the mysterious circumstances surrounding his death, it's less than 1/4 Bruce Lee by volume. Mostly it's unrelated martial arts tournament footage with a bunch of also-ran fighters supposedly vying to become Bruce's "successor." This is broken up with a series of grindingly bad pseudo-documentary skits starring Fred Williamson (who people keep mistaking for Harry Belafonte, for some reason) and Adolph Caesar. There's another thread where Bruce's rebellious teen years are represented by horribly redubbed stock footage from a soapy-looking black & white melodrama, wherein the characters flash back to the life story of Bruce's samurai(?!?!?!?) ancestor, represented by color footage from a multiple Shaw Bros. films. Yes, people in a black and white film have color flashbacks. That's the sort of movie this is.
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:02 AM on July 24, 2009


I don't have any new ones to add, although Transformers 2 was freaking terrible in the "bad-bad" way. But I'd like to add that I love Zardoz and agree that the underlying premise is really cool. I think of it as a lot like Logan's Run in that it has cool ideas but is just incredibly dated stylistically because it was from the 70s and most sci-fi movies from then have that same cheesy veneer if you watch them now. Connery's outfit is unbelievably bad but it seems normal after a while.

Also a lot of people mentioned Point Break but no one mentioned that the director, Kathryn Bigelow, also directed the new Iraq war film The Hurt Locker which is getting rave reviews as a gritty, real, and tight action movie. Has anyone seen it?
posted by freecellwizard at 10:18 AM on July 24, 2009


I will one day read a book about Stephen King's career.

There are two, they're called DT VI and VII. You can thank me later.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 10:36 AM on July 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh man, I can't believe I forgot to mention, one of my other favorite awfulsome movies - LASER MISSION. An action movie where Brandon Lee is a mercenary hired by the CIA(?) to track down Ernest Borgnine - the LASER MASTER(!). The LASER MASTER(!!!) has been kidnapped by Cubans, or something like Cubans, so that they can force him to use the world's biggest diamond to make a space laser, to do terrible Cuban deeds with. It's amazingly badtastic. Like, it was on a two-movies-one-disc that my friend found for a dollar, and I payed him FIVE just to have it in my hands. SO GREAT.

Also, motherfucking LASER MASTER. Best job title ever.
posted by FatherDagon at 10:38 AM on July 24, 2009


Unfortunately Brandon Lee didn't live to the point where he was able to do a good movie. Even his last, and best, movie The Crow has some really bad parts to it.

The Hurt Locker which is getting rave reviews as a gritty, real, and tight action movie. Has anyone seen it?

Yep, it's pretty good and worth a watch.

I totally forgot about the movie I always refer to people while giggling - White Chicks
posted by P.o.B. at 11:22 AM on July 24, 2009


I will one day read a book about Stephen King's career.

There are two, they're called DT VI and VII. You can thank me later.


Gah. Screw that. On Writing is Stephen King's autobiography/writer's manual. DT VI and VII were just crap.
posted by Night_owl at 11:26 AM on July 24, 2009


Don't forget the dream team of Jay Leno and Pat Morita in Collision Course.

Death To Smoochy is one of the least funny comedies you will ever see, populated with people I usually dig (Ed Norton, Catherine Keener). Total garbage.

Ebert's take: It uses four-letter language as if being paid by the word. In all the annals of the movies, few films have been this odd, inexplicable and unpleasant.
posted by porn in the woods at 11:43 AM on July 24, 2009


That....was what I was getting at. Sorry, I guess that needed that sarcasm tilde thing.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 11:43 AM on July 24, 2009


Showgirls is the great American bad movie because it is so ultimately Hollywood etc

Not so, Paul Verhoeven is too European in sensibility. I would have thought that something like The Postman is a better fit, if we're talking the 90s.

Also lots of movies should be mentioned in this thread: Fatal Flying Guillotine, Van Damme's Double Impact... and what about Horror Hospital? That one stars Robin Askwith (of Confessions of a Window Cleaner fame).
posted by Mocata at 11:43 AM on July 24, 2009


Sorry bout that, then, DG. My ire caused by those two books has not lessened in the two years since I finished the series, even though novels like It made me respect King.
posted by Night_owl at 11:54 AM on July 24, 2009


Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. A film in which Jesus comes back to Earth for the second coming, but before judgement day has time to save a town of lesbians from vampires. Did I mention it's a kung-fu film....and a musical. The theme song alone makes it an classic.

So say we all. I saw a midnight screening over the Easter weekend. The filmmakers were in attendance (as was Jesus, come to think of it) and there was a Q & A afterwards. Someone asked about sequels: the director said yes, there was one on the drawing board which involved time travel as well, so 20th-century Jesus and his posse would go back to 1st-century Judea and [SPOILERS] help 1st century Jesus from behind the scenes. Unbeknownst to 1CJ, 20CJ is killed by the vampires, so 20CJ's team collect the body and swap it out for that of Lazarus, allowing 1CJ to raise 20CJ.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:51 PM on July 24, 2009


I flubbed a couple of links in my previous post. In case anyone wanted to subject themselves to them:

Copper Mountain (Jim Carrey and Alan Thicke chasing ski resort tail. Cringe inducing.)
Wilding: The Children of Violence (Wings Hauser and the decline of western civilization)

I also wanted to join the chorus of voices that love Zardoz. Any movie where a giant stone god floats around ans shoots guns out of his mouth is ok in my book.

A bit of Zardoz trivia: Burt Reynolds was originally cast to play Zed.
posted by woj at 1:21 PM on July 24, 2009


...The Crow has some really bad parts to it.

Perhaps they'll try to fix those in the remake.

(Disclosure: I was horrified when I first heard about this, then I saw the attached director and now I'm only moderately terrified that they will destroy it.)
posted by quin at 1:24 PM on July 24, 2009


(Disclosure: I was horrified when I first heard about this, then I saw the attached director and now I'm only moderately terrified that they will destroy it.)

God, it's not like the original (which only came out fifteen! years! ago!...I mean, seriously, I think a movie needs to be at least twenty years old before a remake is, if not eagerly anticipated, borderline acceptable) was really that good, either. But this doesn't work for me at all. What could the guy who made Blade bring to it that wasn't already there? It's gonna be the same movie, only with...like...worse music. Pass.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 1:41 PM on July 24, 2009


Does no one here remember the awful glory of Tom Cruise's debut in Legend? Starring Tim Curry as Teh Devil? And "unicorns" whose horns bounced when they ran?

If it comes on TV, I am done for. MUST WATCH. Yet, a great deal of its charm is how it would pop up randomly on TV late nights or weekends. If I actually Netflixed it, I don't think I'd enjoy it near as much.

Oh, Tim Curry. You wore those giant horns so well.
posted by emjaybee at 2:00 PM on July 24, 2009


Does no one here remember the awful glory of Tom Cruise's debut in Legend?

I saw it in the theatres in 1985 and saw it again when it came out on DVD in maybe 2001-2002. My friend Greg and I were so excited to see the DVD and we had made plans to watch the thing and, then immediately afterwards watch the thing again again listening to Ridley Scott's commentary. We barely made it through the first viewing. What had struck me in 1985 as a magical, evocative tale appeared to me fifteen years later to be Krull II.

And for what it's worth, it was not Tom Cruise's debut by a long shot*. IMDB has it as his sixth flick. He got pretty famous for dancing in his underwear two years earlier.

*Not that I am a Tom Cruise expert or anything. I did see him in Valkyrie a few months ago, though, and thought he acquitted himself fairly well and that it was a passable film. It was the third Tom Cruise movie I had seen in a year, after watching Minority Report (which I mostly enjoyed) and The Last Samurai (which I did not) on DVD. It then struck me that in Valkyrie, his character loses an eye in combat; in Minority Report, he has both eyes surgically removed and replaced with new ones, but in The Last Samurai, he suffers no ocular trauma. I then formulated Ricochet Biscuit's First Law of Tom Cruise movies: the more eyes Tom Cruise loses, the better the movie is.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:57 PM on July 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


I love Tim Curry. Tim Curry and Jeff Bridges. Both of them in anything, really. And Johnny Depp and Robert Downey Jr.

Any bad movie that they're in, I'll watch.
posted by h00py at 5:03 AM on July 25, 2009


I wrote the Cool as Ice piece in that article. That movie is really something special.
posted by ph00dz at 11:06 AM on July 25, 2009


A 720p rip of Cool as Ice was floating around the Usenet newsgroups around Christmas of last year. It looks and sounds as amazing as you'd imagine.

Robbie Van Winkle is probably upset with me -- where's my royalties, punk? -- but he needs to quit beating his wife.
posted by porn in the woods at 11:49 AM on July 25, 2009


Shake Hands With Danger, surely. Grisly, groovy soundtrack and its over before it bores.
posted by yegga at 12:03 PM on July 25, 2009


No kidding, PitW? Uhh... I don't suppose you know where one could find such a thing, do you?
posted by ph00dz at 12:07 PM on July 25, 2009


I'm surprised no one has mentioned the Whoopie Goldberg vehicle "Theodore Rex"

Theodore Rex is quite baffling and amazing. It features the exact dinosaurs from, well, Dinosaurs. The Toymaker is the best part.

Someone already mentioned Johnny Mnemonic, which prominently features a PSYCHIC DOLPHIN.
posted by haveanicesummer at 1:02 PM on July 25, 2009


I also have to mention the glorious Mean Guns, starring Christopher Lambert and Ice T. Directed by the illustrious Albert Pyun (studied under Kurosawa, made The Sword and the Sorcerer). This is a classic call "100 killers together and pit them against each other for money" yarn.

"I wanna be mama bear!"
posted by haveanicesummer at 1:21 PM on July 25, 2009


I saw Best Worst Movie, which Infinite Jest referenced above, yesterday and highly recommend it. It's about how Troll 2 is becoming a cult phenomenon. It tracks down the actors, director, etc. from the movie, but focuses primarily on George Hardy, who played the father, and is quite a character in his own right. Most of the actors recognize just how bad the movie is, but the director, Claudio Fragasso, seems to take it seriously and seems a bit dismayed that its current fandom appreciates it in a so-bad-it's-good way. The documentary was made by Michael Stephenson, who played the boy in Troll 2.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 6:21 AM on July 26, 2009


Does no one here remember the awful glory of Tom Cruise's debut in Legend?

I saw it in the theatres in 1985 and saw it again when it came out on DVD in maybe 2001-2002.


Aha. That, my friend, may have been the extended version. I'd put Legend at the top of any list of movies that suffer from the extra footage. I mean, I like Legend, and on extended I think we made it through three scenes. Because they just let Cruise go. He stares wide-eyed at a sparrow. He stares at the sky. He stares at a tree branch. It's fucking dreadful.

Now Legend is on the list of movies I have to remember to ask about when someone reports their view -- theatrical or extended? It's like talking to someone who's only seen the extended version of Apocalypse Now -- "Oh, that's the one where they spend half the movie on a French plantation, isn't it?"

Also: I have not been able to sit through all of Johnny Mnemonic. I suppose I will try yet again.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 8:31 AM on July 27, 2009


There is one scene that makes it almost worth watching; it's when an about to be tortured Henry Rollins screams "Jones? He's that guy who fucks your mother!" at the crazy street preacher that is Dolph Lundgren.

It's like a collision of "what the hell?" and "awesome" right in front of you.
posted by quin at 9:50 AM on July 27, 2009


> A 720p rip of Cool as Ice was floating around the Usenet newsgroups around Christmas of last year. It looks and sounds as amazing as you'd imagine.

True fact: the guy who shot Cool As Ice also did Schindler's List and most of Spielberg's other '90s flicks.
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:47 PM on July 27, 2009


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