Like Photoshop without a computer

August 11, 2009 11:24 AM

The King of Crayons
posted by jtron (27 comments total)

I concur.
posted by HumanComplex at 11:27 AM on August 11

I laughed so hard.
posted by hifiparasol at 11:32 AM on August 11 [5 favorites]

Thumbs up.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:32 AM on August 11

What coloring book directs kids to color a man getting shot in the head?
posted by DU at 11:35 AM on August 11 [2 favorites]

Brilliant.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 11:35 AM on August 11

These are great, this one is by far my favorite. Also who makes a color book about Lincoln getting assassinated?
posted by lilkeith07 at 11:38 AM on August 11

Funny, and too few.
posted by everichon at 11:41 AM on August 11

Awesome. Want more.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:42 AM on August 11

What coloring book directs kids to color a man getting shot in the head?

I'm willing to bet that's a Dover coloring book.
posted by Dr-Baa at 11:49 AM on August 11

Oh man I have been doing this type of thing for years! I never though to make a blog about it though. You'd be surprised at the level of sexual innuendo that Dollar Store EXTRA JUMBO FUNTIME coloring books conceal inside their crappy newsprint pages.
posted by d13t_p3ps1 at 11:55 AM on August 11 [1 favorite]

I'm willing to bet that's a Dover coloring book.

Yep
posted by DU at 11:59 AM on August 11

This should be in a tutorial for Tumblerites about how to caption shit to make it funny.

This is a good joke.
Paired with a witty, unexpected direction in the post title and you've got massive comedy.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:03 PM on August 11 [4 favorites]

Is there a "Paint-by-Numbers" man (or woman) too? If so, I want to know.

And the Joker sure is making the rounds these days . . .
posted by emhutchinson at 12:05 PM on August 11

I can't tell what he added and what is original from the coloring book. Or is this actually from a coloring book?? Anyway, good find.
posted by like_neon at 12:08 PM on August 11

Oh, and to think that in elementary school classrooms it the markers that are considered potentially subversive tools of detournement.

Let's hear it for the humble crayon.
posted by emhutchinson at 12:09 PM on August 11

The only king is the king of crayons.
posted by scratch at 12:12 PM on August 11 [1 favorite]

Let Dwayne be eldest of Wayans.
The only king is the king of crayons.
posted by e.e. coli at 12:32 PM on August 11 [3 favorites]

Pretty ossum. Great find.
posted by sidereal at 1:05 PM on August 11

e.e. coli owes me 1 keyboard.
posted by steambadger at 1:19 PM on August 11

Better to be king of crayons than an art schmuck for a lifetime
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:24 PM on August 11

reminds me of the stuff we did while coloring saints in catholic school
posted by sentinel chicken at 1:40 PM on August 11

Love it...need more now!
posted by Shfishp at 1:53 PM on August 11

Love it...looove it!
posted by Betty Tyranny at 1:55 PM on August 11

What coloring book directs kids to color a man getting shot in the head?

True story: when I was working at a used book/comic book store in high school, the owner frequently had to both take care of his kids (his wife was a real estate agent, IIRC) and make frequent runs up to our Markham store to shift stock around. As a result, on slow days (Thursday evenings and Sundays), I'd often be left with five-year-old Greggy while he drove hell-bent for leather to make a 90-minute round trip in 60 minutes or less.

Which was generally awesome: Greggy's idea of a good time was running around in a circle or spinning in place until one of us fell down or threw up (me and him, respectively), then laughing like a maniac and falling asleep on a blanket we kept in the storeroom.

One day, though, Greggy decided to show me this book he'd made himself. All crayon drawings. It was called The Bloodiest Blood Ever.

It was terrifying.

Mainly it involved people fighting with swords, and there was a black scribbly guy getting hacked to fucking pieces, page after page, just massacred, limb from limb. And I'm reading this thing and looking at the young auteur running around and laughing and wondering if somehow I'm to blame for letting the kid nap in the middle of a room full of 25-cent Len Deighton novels; maybe a pile of unsold Lawrence Sanders or James Michener novels fell on him when I wasn't looking, maybe he's been getting into the back issue bins of miscellaneous Caliber comics while I've been racking Spider-Man.

So I'm wondering where the hell he got all this from; my boss is a bit kooky but he's not a sadist or anything; if anything he's even geekier than me and not prone to show his kid Hallowe'en movies or whatnot. I'm working my way through The Bloodiest Blood Ever and wondering if I can ever turn my back on this child again, or if I'll get my throat slit with a Revised Dark Ritual from our burgeoning Magic: The Gathering counter. Greggy keeps running around and laughing with manic glee, and I start realizing there is a lot of sharp shit lying around this store -- scissors, Xacto knives for cutting comics ship boxes open, lunch utensils.

"Bloodiest... Blood... Evvaaarrrr!!!" Greggy sings, spinning in place next to a rack of lightly read Babysitters Club.

And then I get to the part where there's more Bloodiest Blood Ever, but this time it's like a lump of something grey tearing a guy's throat out.

And then there's a hand grenade being thrown at the grey lumpy thing.

And then it all comes together.

I'm sure Greggy's dad thought it was all just a fantastic comedy; nothing wrong with a little British humour in front of the kids.

But you never really know where they're going to get their inspiration from.

granted this is more a "drawing" story than a "colouring book" story but y'know crayons.

...and I wish I'd kept the book.
posted by Shepherd at 2:00 PM on August 11 [23 favorites]

Wow. I spend a lot of time with coloring books and this is... wow. Just. Awesome.

If any of the kids I've nannied for ever produce Anarchy Bear, I will consider my job a success.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:47 PM on August 11

Or, as they say in the South, The King of Crowns.
posted by jeremias at 4:57 PM on August 11 [1 favorite]

Yup. Finest kind.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:45 PM on August 11